After Life 1x3

1. When did you... first notice it?

2. Ah, well, the pipe started leaking

3. and the wallpaper started to get wet,

4. and then it started to form this image.

5. And when did you think, "Oh...

6. that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh"?

7. Oh, well, it was when the shading started to form around this bit here.

8. And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?

9. - Just a line. - Yeah.

10. It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.

11. Yeah. Err...

12. - Take a picture. - Yeah.

13. There you go.

14. Err... Okay?

15. - Yeah.

16. - This'll cheer the wife up no end. - Will it?

17. - Been a bit down lately. - Ahh.

18. - Got hit in the head with a hammer. - She got hit in the head with a hammer?

19. Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag, hit her on the head and she let go.

20. And the police don't like to chase 'em because the kids take their helmets off,

21. and then it's dangerous, and the police might get sued, so...

22. - PC gone mad, innit?

23. Yep.

24. So... his wife gets mugged by a motorcycle gang,

25. hit in the head with a hammer,

26. he goes home, sees a stain that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,

27. and that's what he calls the local paper about.

28. Also, any stain looks like Kenneth Branagh.

29. He's got no distinguishing features.

30. You couldn't do a caricature of him

31. because there's no features to exaggerate.

32. He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.

33. If I was him, I'd wear glasses,

34. big, red glasses.

35. So when people said, "Who's Kenneth Branagh?"

36. "You know, big, red glasses."

37. "Oh!"

38. I think he's quite handsome. I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.

39. Course you would. 'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.

40. Be an upgrade for you. At least you'd be human, then.

41. Birds love it.

42. Talking of birds, I went on a date with the fat kid's mom the other night.

43. I'll see you back at the office.

44. It's about 40 quid, and then, you know. What you gonna—

45. - Where's my money? - Okay, calm down.

46. - Who the fuck are you? - I'll be whoever you want me to be.

47. You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?

48. No, she's a friend of mine.

49. I'm not gonna charge him 60 quid, am I?

50. And less of the prostitute. I'm a sex worker.

51. Oh, my bad.

52. - Gimme my money! - Be careful with him.

53. Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking someone off?

54. My next appointment's not till three o'clock, actually.

55. What'd you do with the money? As if I didn't know.

56. - Bought some drugs. - Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.

57. We could share them.

58. Why would we share them? They're mine.

59. What did you buy?

60. - Smack, a bit of hash. - Right.

61. I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.

62. - Ahh. - I haven't got it on me, have I?

63. - I could bring it over later, though. Right.

64. Do you live here?

65. Err... Yeah.

66. Why?

67. I got kicked out of the last garage, didn't I?

68. I don't mean why do you live in this particular garage.

69. Why do you live in a garage at all?

70. Oh, this happens. People like you just don't see it from your ivory tower.

71. I'm a little princess 'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.

72. Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?

73. 'Cause I need a new piss-stained mattress.

74. Fucking maggot.

75. Don't be so hard on him. His girlfriend died.

76. He had a girlfriend?

77. Overdose. She got him into it, I think.

78. We all do things we'd rather not do.

79. Mmm.

80. D'you need anything while you're 'ere?

81. Like what?

82. Anything. Anything?

83. Anything. For 50 quid.

84. This is the worst.

85. I think I'm gonna puke.

86. I mean, why don't you soak everything straightaway?

87. You said, "Anything for 50 quid."

88. How many times did you have fish fingers and beans?

89. Doesn't matter.

90. You've done it now anyway. Just in time.

91. A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.

92. How much do they charge? About a tenner an hour.

93. - So I could have got five hours for that? - Yeah.

94. Anyway...

95. it's been nice chatting.

96. How about a cup of tea before you go?

97. - Okay. - No, I meant I'd make you one, but...

98. No, I'm all right.

99. What's your name?

100. Roxy. Your real name.

101. What are you, the Inland Revenue?

102. It's Daphne.

103. - What? What's that face? - It's a nice name.

104. Exactly. Don't suit me.

105. - What, 'cause you're not nice? - I dunno.

106. It suits you.

107. Deep down, you're a Daphne.

108. You never know what's around the corner. One minute you're...

109. happy and safe and smug about it,

110. the next minute, everything's taken away from you.

111. You need a plan B.

112. I...

113. I know about your wife.

114. Julian told me.

115. Julian?

116. That skinny little fucker.

117. I invite him in and he robs me.

118. Yeah, but you know, he can't help it, though, can he?

119. Yeah, of course he can.

120. "It's not my fault. I'm addicted."

121. Everything's an addiction these days.

122. "Oh, I couldn't help running over someone in my car when I was pissed.

123. I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"

124. Oh... a food addiction.

125. Addicted to food. We're all addicted to food.

126. Worst one: sex addiction.

127. Literally invented by someone who got caught cheating.

128. Hey, those guys are some of my best clients.

129. Why do you do what you do?

130. Money.

131. No, I know, but why... that?

132. You're only asking me that 'cause of what I do.

133. But I mean, how do you get into that in the first place?

134. - Do you remember that film Pretty Woman? - Yep.

135. I just thought it looked really glamorous.

136. Really?

137. No, course not.

138. - Oh, right. I dunno.

139. You would be surprised

140. the amount of people that still expect all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts

141. and then I show up.

142. But...

143. I do have these.

144. - What's that? - Tiny little hands.

145. - Why is that good? - Oh mate, clients love 'em.

146. Why?

147. Makes their cocks look massive.

148. Well, I've learned a lot.

149. - I'm honored. - Good.

150. Anyway... Err...

151. Here you go.

152. Is this really all you want me to do?

153. Yeah.

154. Okay.

155. See ya later.

156. I absolutely love your dog.

157. Me too.

158. I was gonna put it in for a wash. I wonder what I've done with it.

159. All right. Well, we'll find it. It's all right.

160. - Hi. - Oh, hi.

161. - You all right? - Yeah.

162. You all right, Dad?

163. How's Lisa?

164. Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.

165. Remember that, all right?

166. 'Cause every time you ask me about it, it really fucking hurts, okay?

167. Why don't you just go along with it?

168. Why?

169. Because it might make him feel better.

170. All right, okay. Once again, no one cares about my feelings.

171. I just had a prostitute lecturing me

172. about how I should care about the feelings of a smackhead who robbed me.

173. That sounds...

174. He works for me, and she was doing the washing up.

175. All right, it's...

176. - complicated. - Well, none of my business, I'm sure.

177. Interesting.

178. Argh. What is?

179. No, it's the way you said, "None of my business, I'm sure,"

180. - like you thought it was your business. - No, I didn't.

181. - Well, you did. - What's wrong with you?

182. - What— - Why can't you just be normal?

183. I mean, I know you're not normal.

184. You're bitter, and angry,

185. and depressed,

186. and you're upset with the world,

187. but for God's sake, this is your dad.

188. - No, I know. - You know, can you not just maybe

189. pretend to be normal for the ten minutes that you're with him?

190. Oh, is that a dig? That I see him for ten minutes?

191. I didn't mean to upset you.

192. I was just saying that maybe for the ten minutes—

193. Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions for something that isn't your business.

194. He can still feel hurt.

195. - Right. No, I get that. - Everybody can.

196. No, I get that.

197. It's just a bit weird from someone who's looking after my dad as their job.

198. It's a bit unprofessional giving me all this attitude, don't you think?

199. You're like a troll on Twitter.

200. Just because you're all upset, everybody else has to feel upset.

201. At first I thought, "I'll give him the benefit of the doubt,"

202. because I just assumed you were always having a bad day,

203. but maybe it's just because you're a cunt.

204. That went well.

205. Cunt.

206. Cunt. Yep.

207. I couldn't believe it.

208. I mean, she's a nurse looking after my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,

209. and then she's giving me grief for getting upset about stuff.

210. - I wouldn't worry about it. - No, I know.

211. - But you do. - Yeah.

212. 'Cause you know she's right.

213. No. What?

214. Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?

215. D'you think the women are ganging up on me?

216. He agrees with me.

217. - There's a surprise. - Apologize to her.

218. - For what? - It doesn't matter.

219. It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.

220. I can't just go and apologize for nothing.

221. But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?

222. You'd be apologizing for arguing with someone you like, someone who's nice.

223. She's nice, right?

224. - She's— - There you are. Ahhh!

225. - What?

226. Thought so.

227. Well, why don't you look at it as your first lovers' tiff?

228. That's ridiculous.

229. Okay, good. Well done.

230. Right, I'll see you later.

231. - See you later, Stan.

232. Good week?

233. No, course not.

234. How could I possibly have had a good week?

235. Only you know that, really. Why am I paying you, then?

236. That's a good question.

237. And?

238. Well, why are you paying me?

239. What, so I've got to know that... too?

240. Tony, we're here to ask and answer difficult questions about yourself.

241. Now, maybe you don't wanna know the answer.

242. Maybe the easy way out for you is to think there isn't an answer.

243. Well, there is an answer, but you seem...

244. happier to just accept your unhappiness.

245. No, I do accept my unhappiness. I know exactly why I'm unhappy,

246. and I also know the only thing that would stop me being unhappy

247. is impossible.

248. What I don't know is why I pay someone who doesn't care about me.

249. Well...

250. there are people in your life who care about you,

251. but do they actually do what's good for you?

252. I don't think anyone knows what's good for me.

253. Well I think it's in there somewhere.

254. I just wanna stop feeling sad.

255. Do that, then.

256. Just... stop feeling sad.

257. So, I make some notes at the time,

258. if I can be bothered and stay awake.

259. I get the gist of it. Their name and age,

260. what street they live in. People love that.

261. And then I try and make...

262. the fucking banal seem mildly interesting.

263. Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,

264. and a stain appeared on his wallpaper

265. that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.

266. - Do you know who that is? - No.

267. He's an old actor, director.

268. Erm...

269. - Have you heard of Emma Thompson? - Yeah.

270. He'd hate that... Um... anyway,

271. it was a stain on a wall.

272. Have you got the photos from the—

273. Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,

274. I've got some pictures of the date I had with the fat kid's mom the other—

275. Everyone, listen up.

276. Work's outing.

277. No.

278. Yeah.

279. Yes.

280. It's gonna be good for team-building.

281. There's a new comedy club in town, just opened. They're advertising with us,

282. so I thought, show willing, bought us all tickets.

283. I said I could have got 'em for free.

284. Yeah, I know, but you've gotta support the arts.

285. It's good. All proper comedians.

286. There is a woman on.

287. Right?

288. Well, I'm just saying. Just checking, you're all right.

289. Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.

290. - It won't. - Tony, it will. Give it a chance.

291. Talking of fun,

292. I had a lot of fun on that date the other night—

293. - Tony. - Ohh.

294. - Who's that? - Local nutter.

295. Always trying to get in the paper, ain't you, Brian?

296. She's new. Yep.

297. - You stink. - Never mind that.

298. Got something for your front cover,

299. - if you're interested. - No. Freddie Mercury's tooth.

300. - Where d'you get that? - Up the park, by the swings.

301. And what makes you think it's his?

302. Look at the size of it, mate.

303. - He's disgusting.

304. Huh? Why don't you stick a knob down your throat, blabbermouth.

305. Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?

306. 'Cause I want to show the world what I've got, what I can do,

307. what diseases I've had.

308. - No one's interested in your diseases. - Oh, aren't they?

309. - No. - Sexual exploits?

310. - No. - No?

311. - I'm a member of a swingers' club. - Urgh.

312. You know the assistant manager of Tambury FC?

313. I've given him a blowjob.

314. Stick that on your sports page.

315. We're not gonna put it on the sports page.

316. It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth. We're not gonna put your diseases—

317. This is a local paper about old ladies, their big fat cat,

318. or someone finding a hat in a tree. We're not gonna go with,

319. "Oh, here's Brian Gittens, local man done proud,

320. sucking off some fuckin' nonce at the football." Think!

321. Have you got a jokes page?

322. - No. - Then you're missing a trick

323. 'cause I write my own jokes. D'you wanna hear one?

324. What do you get if you cross a disabled octopus with my ex-wife?

325. A five-legged slut.

326. Brian, not everyone can get in the paper. Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.

327. - Have you? - No.

328. When's that bothered the press before?

329. Am I right?

330. Brilliant. Okay, cheers.

331. - Okay. - See you again.

332. I've got a good feature for you.

333. - No, you haven't. - Rude.

334. - You haven't even heard it yet. - No need.

335. - Crystals. - Told you.

336. Their healing power.

337. They're bullshit.

338. - You're so narrow-minded. - No.

339. - You don't believe in anything. - Yes, I do.

340. Thought you were atheist.

341. Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything. It means I don't believe in any god.

342. - How can you not believe in God? - Which one?

343. What do you mean?

344. Well... Zeus?

345. - Who? - Greek god.

346. Or Ra, or Ganesh?

347. No, not those ones, the real one in the Bible.

348. Yahweh.

349. Just God!

350. Well, you know how you don't believe in all those other gods I mentioned?

351. That's how I don't believe in yours.

352. How can you not believe that someone created all this, though?

353. Why do you believe that someone created it all?

354. Because it's so good.

355. It can't just be chance, can it?

356. What, the Big Bang?

357. Everything came from nothing? That's impossible.

358. You're right. God did it.

359. Right.

360. So, where did God come from?

361. He's always been around.

362. There you go. Easy, innit?

363. Mm.

364. You always found so much joy in everything, all the little things.

365. Sitting on the sofa with the dog.

366. With that look on your face, like,

367. "I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog. I'm loving it."

368. Give the dog a kiss from me,

369. and take her to the beach. She loves it there.

370. - You both do.

371. Do you wanna go to the beach?

372. Yeah?

373. Come on, then.

374. Come on. Good girl.

375. - Oh, my God! What did you do that for?

376. You looked hot!

377. - I was asleep. I'm soaked.

378. - Look, you've freaked the dog out.

379. - Oh, you're such a twat.

380. Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.

381. Come on! You come in the sea with me! You come in.

382. - No. - You come in. Tony, come in!

383. - No. - Come on!

384. Come on!

385. Come in, Tony!

386. That's why they call them sports socks!

387. Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd, you really are.

388. I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.

389. I've had some bad news this week, I have to say.

390. - Ah. - Come on, sadder than that.

391. Ahhh!

392. Yeah, it was.

393. A friend of mine actually committed suicide last week.

394. Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything in the bathroom cabinet.

395. Choked on a tampon.

396. - Oh yeah.

397. Choked on a tampon.

398. So you've got this guy, absolutely fucking hated that joke.

399. I tell ya, his face fell like my nan. Oh no!

400. Fucking cheer up, mate. Might not ever happen.

401. Come on. Instead of, like, "I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.

402. What's your name then, man?

403. What's your name?

404. - Tony. - Tony. There we go. Not so hard.

405. What's your story, Tony?

406. - What's my story? - Yeah.

407. Sitting here, front row. What's your story?

408. My wife died...

409. earlier this year.

410. Breast cancer.

411. And it broke me.

412. Not a day goes by when I don't...

413. think of killing myself.

414. I just don't see any point in living.

415. Well...

416. Umbrellas are weird, aren't they? Do you ever...

417. As if an umbrella...

418. He asked.

419. Yeah.

420. He did. He asked me a question, so I told him the truth.

421. - The truth's important to you. - Yeah.

422. Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony. I'm tired, mate.

423. Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day worrying about you

424. and about what you're gonna do next,

425. and trying to come up with reasons you shouldn't kill yourself,

426. and finding tickets for things to try and cheer you up.

427. Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be home with my wife and son,

428. dealing with my own problems.

429. Right. So he's allowed to joke about suicide, but I'm not allowed to—

430. It wasn't about you, though, Tony. The joke wasn't about you.

431. It didn't happen. He made it up.

432. His friend didn't really commit suicide by choking on a tampon, obviously.

433. - No, I get that. - I mean, he doesn't know your situation.

434. Well—

435. He doesn't. If he'd said,

436. "Hands up, anyone whose wife has died and is thinking about killing themselves,"

437. you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like, "Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."

438. Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.

439. Great.

440. He was trying to make people laugh.

441. That's all I'm doing here, okay?

442. I'm just— I'm doing my best trying...

443. to make you happy.

444. Okay. Well, cheers.

445. - All right? - Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.

446. See you tomorrow.

447. Look...

448. Audrey Hepburn.

449. Doesn't she look beautiful?

450. - Brandy, you look so glamorous! - Oh...

451. - She's a laughing stock.

452. It was her idea.

453. - How long did that take? - I'd say...

454. - ten minutes. - Brilliant.

455. Happy with that.

456. Bought you a little present. With the money you stole from me?

457. - Yeah— - Thoughtful.

458. You... erm... sure you don't want a bit of this in it?

459. Yeah, go on. Sure?

460. What's the worst that can happen?

461. Well... this.

462. Look, I'm sorry about the whole...

463. robbing money thing. It's not really me.

464. It's the disease, right?

465. We've all got excuses.

466. I still can't believe we've got stuff in common.

467. Both lost our partners,

468. both trying to numb the pain,

469. both losers.

470. No offense,

471. but I look at you, and I think,

472. "Fuck me.

473. I'm like that."

474. No, you're not.

475. Don't rob me!