- 1. When did you... first notice it?
- 2. Ah, well, the pipe started leaking
- 3. and the wallpaper started to get wet,
- 4. and then it started to form this image.
- 5. And when did you think, "Oh...
- 6. that looks a bit like
Sir Kenneth Branagh"?
- 7. Oh, well, it was when the shading started
to form around this bit here.
- 8. And, well, it's got his mouth, hasn't it?
- 9. - Just a line.
- 10. It's amazing, innit? Makes you think.
- 11. Yeah.
- 12. - Take a picture.
- 13. There you go.
- 14. Err... Okay?
- 15. - Yeah.
- 16. - This'll cheer the wife up no end.
- Will it?
- 17. - Been a bit down lately.
- 18. - Got hit in the head with a hammer.
- She got hit in the head with a hammer?
- 19. Two blokes on a moped grabbed her handbag,
hit her on the head and she let go.
- 20. And the police don't like to chase 'em
because the kids take their helmets off,
- 21. and then it's dangerous,
and the police might get sued, so...
- 22. - PC gone mad, innit?
- 23. Yep.
- 24. So... his wife gets mugged
by a motorcycle gang,
- 25. hit in the head with a hammer,
- 26. he goes home, sees a stain
that looks a bit like Sir Kenneth Branagh,
- 27. and that's what he calls
the local paper about.
- 28. Also, any stain
looks like Kenneth Branagh.
- 29. He's got no distinguishing features.
- 30. You couldn't do a caricature of him
- 31. because there's no features to exaggerate.
- 32. He's just got a face, a vague, beige face.
- 33. If I was him, I'd wear glasses,
- 34. big, red glasses.
- 35. So when people said,
"Who's Kenneth Branagh?"
- 36. "You know, big, red glasses."
- 37. "Oh!"
- 38. I think he's quite handsome.
I'd love to look like Kenneth Branagh.
- 39. Course you would.
'Cause you look like fuckin' Shrek.
- 40. Be an upgrade for you.
At least you'd be human, then.
- 41. Birds love it.
- 42. Talking of birds, I went on a date
with the fat kid's mom the other night.
- 43. I'll see you back at the office.
- 44. It's about 40 quid,
and then, you know. What you gonna—
- 45. - Where's my money?
- Okay, calm down.
- 46. - Who the fuck are you?
- I'll be whoever you want me to be.
- 47. You spent my 60 quid on a prostitute?
- 48. No, she's a friend of mine.
- 49. I'm not gonna charge him
60 quid, am I?
- 50. And less of the prostitute.
I'm a sex worker.
- 51. Oh, my bad.
- 52. - Gimme my money!
- Be careful with him.
- 53. Sorry, shouldn't you be wanking
- 54. My next appointment's
not till three o'clock, actually.
- 55. What'd you do with the money?
As if I didn't know.
- 56. - Bought some drugs.
- Bought some drugs. They're my drugs.
- 57. We could share them.
- 58. Why would we share them? They're mine.
- 59. What did you buy?
- 60. - Smack, a bit of hash.
- 61. I'll have the hash. Keep the smack.
- 62. - Ahh.
- I haven't got it on me, have I?
- 63. - I could bring it over later, though.
- 64. Do you live here?
- 65. Err...
- 66. Why?
- 67. I got kicked out
of the last garage, didn't I?
- 68. I don't mean
why do you live in this particular garage.
- 69. Why do you live in a garage at all?
- 70. Oh, this happens. People like you
just don't see it from your ivory tower.
- 71. I'm a little princess
'cause I don't live in a hole in the wall.
- 72. Don't let him go through my stuff, okay?
- 73. 'Cause I need a new
- 74. Fucking maggot.
- 75. Don't be so hard on him.
His girlfriend died.
- 76. He had a girlfriend?
- 77. Overdose. She got him into it, I think.
- 78. We all do things we'd rather not do.
- 79. Mmm.
- 80. D'you need anything while you're 'ere?
- 81. Like what?
- 82. Anything.
- 83. Anything.
For 50 quid.
- 84. This is the worst.
- 85. I think I'm gonna puke.
- 86. I mean, why don't you soak everything
- 87. You said, "Anything for 50 quid."
- 88. How many times did you have
fish fingers and beans?
- 89. Doesn't matter.
- 90. You've done it now anyway.
Just in time.
- 91. A cleaner'd be way cheaper than this.
- 92. How much do they charge?
About a tenner an hour.
- 93. - So I could have got five hours for that?
- 94. Anyway...
- 95. it's been nice chatting.
- 96. How about a cup of tea before you go?
- 97. - Okay.
- No, I meant I'd make you one, but...
- 98. No, I'm all right.
- 99. What's your name?
- 100. Roxy.
Your real name.
- 101. What are you, the Inland Revenue?
- 102. It's Daphne.
- 103. - What? What's that face?
- It's a nice name.
- 104. Exactly. Don't suit me.
- 105. - What, 'cause you're not nice?
- I dunno.
- 106. It suits you.
- 107. Deep down, you're a Daphne.
- 108. You never know what's around the corner.
One minute you're...
- 109. happy and safe and smug about it,
- 110. the next minute,
everything's taken away from you.
- 111. You need a plan B.
- 112. I...
- 113. I know about your wife.
- 114. Julian told me.
- 115. Julian?
- 116. That skinny little fucker.
- 117. I invite him in and he robs me.
- 118. Yeah, but you know,
he can't help it, though, can he?
- 119. Yeah, of course he can.
- 120. "It's not my fault. I'm addicted."
- 121. Everything's an addiction these days.
- 122. "Oh, I couldn't help running over someone
in my car when I was pissed.
- 123. I'm an alcoholic. Will you let me off?"
- 124. Oh... a food addiction.
- 125. Addicted to food.
We're all addicted to food.
- 126. Worst one: sex addiction.
- 127. Literally invented by someone
who got caught cheating.
- 128. Hey, those guys
are some of my best clients.
- 129. Why do you do what you do?
- 130. Money.
- 131. No, I know, but why... that?
- 132. You're only asking me that
'cause of what I do.
- 133. But I mean, how do you get into that
in the first place?
- 134. - Do you remember that film Pretty Woman?
- 135. I just thought it looked really glamorous.
- 136. Really?
- 137. No, course not.
- 138. - Oh, right. I dunno.
- 139. You would be surprised
- 140. the amount of people that still expect
all sex workers to look like Julia Roberts
- 141. and then I show up.
- 142. But...
- 143. I do have these.
- 144. - What's that?
- Tiny little hands.
- 145. - Why is that good?
- Oh mate, clients love 'em.
- 146. Why?
- 147. Makes their cocks look massive.
- 148. Well, I've learned a lot.
- 149. - I'm honored.
- 150. Anyway...
- 151. Here you go.
- 152. Is this really all you want me to do?
- 153. Yeah.
- 154. Okay.
- 155. See ya later.
- 156. I absolutely love your dog.
- 157. Me too.
- 158. I was gonna put it in for a wash.
I wonder what I've done with it.
- 159. All right. Well, we'll find it.
It's all right.
- 160. - Hi.
- Oh, hi.
- 161. - You all right?
- 162. You all right, Dad?
- 163. How's Lisa?
- 164. Oh, Jesus. She's dead, Dad.
- 165. Remember that, all right?
- 166. 'Cause every time you ask me about it,
it really fucking hurts, okay?
- 167. Why don't you just go along with it?
- 168. Why?
- 169. Because it might make him feel better.
- 170. All right, okay. Once again,
no one cares about my feelings.
- 171. I just had a prostitute lecturing me
- 172. about how I should care about the feelings
of a smackhead who robbed me.
- 173. That sounds...
- 174. He works for me,
and she was doing the washing up.
- 175. All right, it's...
- 176. - complicated.
- Well, none of my business, I'm sure.
- 177. Interesting.
- 178. Argh. What is?
- 179. No, it's the way you said,
"None of my business, I'm sure,"
- 180. - like you thought it was your business.
- No, I didn't.
- 181. - Well, you did.
- What's wrong with you?
- 182. - What—
- Why can't you just be normal?
- 183. I mean, I know you're not normal.
- 184. You're bitter, and angry,
- 185. and depressed,
- 186. and you're upset with the world,
- 187. but for God's sake, this is your dad.
- 188. - No, I know.
- You know, can you not just maybe
- 189. pretend to be normal
for the ten minutes that you're with him?
- 190. Oh, is that a dig?
That I see him for ten minutes?
- 191. I didn't mean to upset you.
- 192. I was just saying
that maybe for the ten minutes—
- 193. Yeah, it's just a lot of opinions
for something that isn't your business.
- 194. He can still feel hurt.
- 195. - Right. No, I get that.
- Everybody can.
- 196. No, I get that.
- 197. It's just a bit weird from someone
who's looking after my dad as their job.
- 198. It's a bit unprofessional giving me
all this attitude, don't you think?
- 199. You're like a troll on Twitter.
- 200. Just because you're all upset,
everybody else has to feel upset.
- 201. At first I thought, "I'll give him
the benefit of the doubt,"
- 202. because I just assumed
you were always having a bad day,
- 203. but maybe it's just because you're a cunt.
- 204. That went well.
- 205. Cunt.
- 206. Cunt.
- 207. I couldn't believe it.
- 208. I mean, she's a nurse looking after
my dad, who's got Alzheimer's,
- 209. and then she's giving me grief
for getting upset about stuff.
- 210. - I wouldn't worry about it.
- No, I know.
- 211. - But you do.
- 212. 'Cause you know she's right.
- 213. No. What?
- 214. Unbelievable. Stan, what d'you reckon?
- 215. D'you think the women
are ganging up on me?
- 216. He agrees with me.
- 217. - There's a surprise.
- Apologize to her.
- 218. - For what?
- It doesn't matter.
- 219. It shows strength, not weakness. Trust me.
- 220. I can't just go and apologize for nothing.
- 221. But it wouldn't be for nothing, would it?
- 222. You'd be apologizing for arguing
with someone you like, someone who's nice.
- 223. She's nice, right?
- 224. - She's—
- There you are. Ahhh!
- 225. - What?
- 226. Thought so.
- 227. Well, why don't you look at it
as your first lovers' tiff?
- 228. That's ridiculous.
- 229. Okay, good. Well done.
- 230. Right, I'll see you later.
- 231. - See you later, Stan.
- 232. Good week?
- 233. No, course not.
- 234. How could I possibly have had a good week?
- 235. Only you know that, really.
Why am I paying you, then?
- 236. That's a good question.
- 237. And?
- 238. Well, why are you paying me?
- 239. What, so I've got to know that... too?
- 240. Tony, we're here to ask and answer
difficult questions about yourself.
- 241. Now, maybe you don't wanna know
- 242. Maybe the easy way out for you
is to think there isn't an answer.
- 243. Well, there is an answer, but you seem...
- 244. happier to just accept your unhappiness.
- 245. No, I do accept my unhappiness.
I know exactly why I'm unhappy,
- 246. and I also know the only thing
that would stop me being unhappy
- 247. is impossible.
- 248. What I don't know is why I pay someone
who doesn't care about me.
- 249. Well...
- 250. there are people in your life
who care about you,
- 251. but do they actually do
what's good for you?
- 252. I don't think anyone knows
what's good for me.
- 253. Well I think it's in there somewhere.
- 254. I just wanna stop feeling sad.
- 255. Do that, then.
- 256. Just... stop feeling sad.
- 257. So, I make some notes at the time,
- 258. if I can be bothered and stay awake.
- 259. I get the gist of it. Their name and age,
- 260. what street they live in.
People love that.
- 261. And then I try and make...
- 262. the fucking banal seem mildly interesting.
- 263. Erm, this guy, his pipes leaked,
- 264. and a stain appeared on his wallpaper
- 265. that he said looks like Kenneth Branagh.
- 266. - Do you know who that is?
- 267. He's an old actor, director.
- 268. Erm...
- 269. - Have you heard of Emma Thompson?
- 270. He'd hate that... Um... anyway,
- 271. it was a stain on a wall.
- 272. Have you got the photos from the—
- 273. Oh, yeah. Talking of photos,
- 274. I've got some pictures of the date I had
with the fat kid's mom the other—
- 275. Everyone, listen up.
- 276. Work's outing.
- 277. No.
- 278. Yeah.
- 279. Yes.
- 280. It's gonna be good for team-building.
- 281. There's a new comedy club in town,
just opened. They're advertising with us,
- 282. so I thought, show willing,
bought us all tickets.
- 283. I said I could have got 'em for free.
- 284. Yeah, I know,
but you've gotta support the arts.
- 285. It's good. All proper comedians.
- 286. There is a woman on.
- 287. Right?
- 288. Well, I'm just saying.
Just checking, you're all right.
- 289. Good. So, yeah, come. It'll be fun.
- 290. - It won't.
- Tony, it will. Give it a chance.
- 291. Talking of fun,
- 292. I had a lot of fun
on that date the other night—
- 293. - Tony.
- 294. - Who's that?
- Local nutter.
- 295. Always trying to get in the paper,
ain't you, Brian?
- 296. She's new.
- 297. - You stink.
- Never mind that.
- 298. Got something for your front cover,
- 299. - if you're interested.
Freddie Mercury's tooth.
- 300. - Where d'you get that?
- Up the park, by the swings.
- 301. And what makes you think it's his?
- 302. Look at the size of it, mate.
- 303. - He's disgusting.
- 304. Huh? Why don't you stick a knob
down your throat, blabbermouth.
- 305. Why do you want to be in the paper, Brian?
- 306. 'Cause I want to show the world
what I've got, what I can do,
- 307. what diseases I've had.
- 308. - No one's interested in your diseases.
- Oh, aren't they?
- 309. - No.
- Sexual exploits?
- 310. - No.
- 311. - I'm a member of a swingers' club.
- 312. You know the assistant manager
of Tambury FC?
- 313. I've given him a blowjob.
- 314. Stick that on your sports page.
- 315. We're not gonna put it
on the sports page.
- 316. It's not Freddie Mercury's tooth.
We're not gonna put your diseases—
- 317. This is a local paper about old ladies,
their big fat cat,
- 318. or someone finding a hat in a tree.
We're not gonna go with,
- 319. "Oh, here's Brian Gittens,
local man done proud,
- 320. sucking off some fuckin' nonce
at the football." Think!
- 321. Have you got a jokes page?
- 322. - No.
- Then you're missing a trick
- 323. 'cause I write my own jokes.
D'you wanna hear one?
- 324. What do you get if you cross
a disabled octopus with my ex-wife?
- 325. A five-legged slut.
- 326. Brian, not everyone can get in the paper.
Not everyone's fingered Jackie Collins.
- 327. - Have you?
- 328. When's that bothered the press before?
- 329. Am I right?
- 330. Brilliant. Okay, cheers.
- 331. - Okay.
- See you again.
- 332. I've got a good feature for you.
- 333. - No, you haven't.
- 334. - You haven't even heard it yet.
- No need.
- 335. - Crystals.
- Told you.
- 336. Their healing power.
- 337. They're bullshit.
- 338. - You're so narrow-minded.
- 339. - You don't believe in anything.
- Yes, I do.
- 340. Thought you were atheist.
- 341. Doesn't mean I don't believe in anything.
It means I don't believe in any god.
- 342. - How can you not believe in God?
- Which one?
- 343. What do you mean?
- 344. Well... Zeus?
- 345. - Who?
- Greek god.
- 346. Or Ra, or Ganesh?
- 347. No, not those ones,
the real one in the Bible.
- 348. Yahweh.
- 349. Just God!
- 350. Well, you know how you don't believe
in all those other gods I mentioned?
- 351. That's how I don't believe in yours.
- 352. How can you not believe
that someone created all this, though?
- 353. Why do you believe
that someone created it all?
- 354. Because it's so good.
- 355. It can't just be chance, can it?
- 356. What, the Big Bang?
- 357. Everything came from nothing?
- 358. You're right. God did it.
- 359. Right.
- 360. So, where did God come from?
- 361. He's always been around.
- 362. There you go. Easy, innit?
- 363. Mm.
- 364. You always found so much joy
in everything, all the little things.
- 365. Sitting on the sofa with the dog.
- 366. With that look on your face, like,
- 367. "I'm just sat on the sofa with the dog.
I'm loving it."
- 368. Give the dog a kiss from me,
- 369. and take her to the beach.
She loves it there.
- 370. - You both do.
- 371. Do you wanna go to the beach?
- 372. Yeah?
- 373. Come on, then.
- 374. Come on. Good girl.
- 375. - Oh, my God! What did you do that for?
- 376. You looked hot!
- 377. - I was asleep. I'm soaked.
- 378. - Look, you've freaked the dog out.
- 379. - Oh, you're such a twat.
- 380. Ahh, I might as well go in the sea now.
- 381. Come on! You come in the sea
with me! You come in.
- 382. - No.
- You come in. Tony, come in!
- 383. - No.
- Come on!
- 384. Come on!
- 385. Come in, Tony!
- 386. That's why they call them sports socks!
- 387. Thank you. You're a wonderful crowd,
you really are.
- 388. I'm glad you're a wonderful crowd.
- 389. I've had some bad news this week,
I have to say.
- 390. - Ah.
- Come on, sadder than that.
- 391. Ahhh!
- 392. Yeah, it was.
- 393. A friend of mine
actually committed suicide last week.
- 394. Yeah, went upstairs, swallowed everything
in the bathroom cabinet.
- 395. Choked on a tampon.
- 396. - Oh yeah.
- 397. Choked on a tampon.
- 398. So you've got this guy,
absolutely fucking hated that joke.
- 399. I tell ya, his face fell like my nan.
- 400. Fucking cheer up, mate.
Might not ever happen.
- 401. Come on. Instead of, like,
"I'm not gonna laugh at this." Come on.
- 402. What's your name then, man?
- 403. What's your name?
- 404. - Tony.
- Tony. There we go. Not so hard.
- 405. What's your story, Tony?
- 406. - What's my story?
- 407. Sitting here, front row.
What's your story?
- 408. My wife died...
- 409. earlier this year.
- 410. Breast cancer.
- 411. And it broke me.
- 412. Not a day goes by when I don't...
- 413. think of killing myself.
- 414. I just don't see any point in living.
- 415. Well...
- 416. Umbrellas are weird,
aren't they? Do you ever...
- 417. As if an umbrella...
- 418. He asked.
- 419. Yeah.
- 420. He did. He asked me a question,
so I told him the truth.
- 421. - The truth's important to you.
- 422. Okay, well here's the truth for you, Tony.
I'm tired, mate.
- 423. Okay, I'm tired of spending my working day
worrying about you
- 424. and about what you're gonna do next,
- 425. and trying to come up with reasons
you shouldn't kill yourself,
- 426. and finding tickets for things
to try and cheer you up.
- 427. Okay? Midweek, as well, when I should be
home with my wife and son,
- 428. dealing with my own problems.
- 429. Right. So he's allowed to joke
about suicide, but I'm not allowed to—
- 430. It wasn't about you, though, Tony.
The joke wasn't about you.
- 431. It didn't happen. He made it up.
- 432. His friend didn't really commit suicide
by choking on a tampon, obviously.
- 433. - No, I get that.
- I mean, he doesn't know your situation.
- 434. Well—
- 435. He doesn't. If he'd said,
- 436. "Hands up, anyone whose wife has died
and is thinking about killing themselves,"
- 437. you go, "Yeah, over here." He's like,
"Okay, mate, here's a joke for you."
- 438. Right. Well, maybe I wasn't in the mood.
- 439. Great.
- 440. He was trying to make people laugh.
- 441. That's all I'm doing here, okay?
- 442. I'm just— I'm doing my best trying...
- 443. to make you happy.
- 444. Okay.
- 445. - All right?
- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
- 446. See you tomorrow.
- 447. Look...
- 448. Audrey Hepburn.
- 449. Doesn't she look beautiful?
- 450. - Brandy, you look so glamorous!
- 451. - She's a laughing stock.
- 452. It was her idea.
- 453. - How long did that take?
- I'd say...
- 454. - ten minutes.
- 455. Happy with that.
- 456. Bought you a little present.
With the money you stole from me?
- 457. - Yeah—
- 458. You... erm...
sure you don't want a bit of this in it?
- 459. Yeah, go on.
- 460. What's the worst that can happen?
- 461. Well... this.
- 462. Look, I'm sorry about the whole...
- 463. robbing money thing. It's not really me.
- 464. It's the disease, right?
- 465. We've all got excuses.
- 466. I still can't believe
we've got stuff in common.
- 467. Both lost our partners,
- 468. both trying to numb the pain,
- 469. both losers.
- 470. No offense,
- 471. but I look at you, and I think,
- 472. "Fuck me.
- 473. I'm like that."
- 474. No, you're not.
- 475. Don't rob me!