- 1. I don't want you to grieve forever.
- 2. I mean, grieve a bit.
- 3. I want everyone in floods
at the funeral.
- 4. But don't spiral, don't obsess.
- 5. Keep going.
- 6. Get up. Don't mope about in bed all day.
- 7. Get out. Open the curtains.
- 8. Enjoy the sun
- 9. while you can.
- 10. Hungry?
- 11. If you could open a tin, I'd be dead now.
- 12. But you can't, can ya?
- 13. 'Cause you're useless.
- 14. Who's useless? Who's useless?
- 15. You are!
- 16. You are.
- 17. You're useless.
- 18. Good girl.
- 19. Do you still want me
to put it through the door?
- 20. No, you can give it to me.
- 21. Just a postcard from Mike and Beth,
whoever they are.
- 22. Friends.
- 23. What's it say?
- 24. Just says, "Having a great time, and...
- 25. Mike's had diarrhea."
- 26. Good.
- 27. Well, let's hope you're still my postman
when I'm blind.
- 28. Go on.
- 29. Well, we went to that nice
Greek restaurant that we usually go to.
- 30. You know that one at the top of the road?
- 31. Well, Sheila was in a terrible mood again.
- 32. I'm going mad.
- 33. You're only mad if they answer back.
- 34. He does answer back.
- 35. What's he say?
- 36. Depends what I ask him.
- 37. 'Course.
- 38. My wife.
- 39. Sorry.
- 40. Stan was my husband.
- 41. I'm Anne.
- 42. Nice to meet you.
- 43. He seems nice.
- 44. - Does he agree?
- Of course.
- 45. Never disagreed with me once.
- 46. Not in 48 years.
- 47. I didn't get that long.
- 48. I met a nice lady in the graveyard, Dad.
- 49. Don't tell Lisa.
- 50. Fuck me.
- 51. She's more your age.
- 52. A bit of Viagra...
- 53. Bob's your uncle.
- 54. Is he?
- 55. Always nice to chat.
- 56. Right, here we go at last.
- 57. - Hi.
- Sorry about that. Hi.
- 58. Right, cuppa tea.
- 59. Two sugars.
- 60. Right, let's get you sorted,
give you a wee comb.
- 61. Doesn't look too bad, actually, does it?
- 62. It's nice out there today.
We'll get out in the garden later on, eh?
- 63. I don't know how you do it.
- 64. What?
- 65. Stay sane.
- 66. He doesn't know what you're on about,
He doesn't remember you, I bet.
- 67. He doesn't know he's alive.
- 68. What is the point?
- 69. What do you mean, "What's the point?"
They helped us when they could,
- 70. now they can't.
He can't even help himself, so I do.
- 71. No, I know. But is it for the best?
- 72. We don't know what they're feeling.
- 73. They don't know.
- 74. So just in case,
- 75. be nice to them, eh?
- 76. My dad's completely gone now.
- 77. I feel bad that I resent
- 78. having to visit him every day,
- 79. but I know I'd feel bad
if I didn't visit every day.
- 80. And then when I do visit him every day,
- 81. I feel bad when I leave
'cause it was so depressing.
- 82. I know I'm not thinking straight,
but I don't wanna think straight
- 83. 'cause when I do, I get even more
fucking depressed because...
- 84. I just wanna sleep.
- 85. You know, I haven't...
- 86. Sorry, am I boring you?
- 87. I just got into an argument on Twitter
with some absolute moron medical student.
- 88. Now he's decided to block me
'cause he couldn't take it.
- 89. It's pathetic.
- 90. It is, yeah.
- 91. I'd love to meet him.
- 92. Yeah?
- 93. And fucking give him a good hiding.
- 94. Off to buy some smack?
- 95. Yep.
- 96. How much do you get for that then?
- 97. Err, just, um...
- 98. It's like a little bag.
- 99. I might join you one day.
- 100. Yeah, anytime.
- 101. Tonight?
- 102. Err...
- 103. How do you mean?
- 104. I wanna try heroin tonight.
- 105. What, you? Really?
- 106. Yeah.
- 107. Why not? Fuck it.
- 108. How much for one try?
- 109. Erm...
- 110. One try, one hit.
- 111. What do you want exactly?
- 112. Not injecting it.
- 113. I can't stand needles.
Also AIDS. I don't wanna die of that.
- 114. You only get AIDS if you share needles.
- 115. Anyway, these days,
you don't really die of it, so—
- 116. So, everything moves on, dunnit?
- 117. Even AIDS.
- 118. Yeah, it's probably best
if you smoke a bit in a joint.
- 119. It's no big deal.
- 120. Chasing the dragon.
- 121. Yeah.
- 122. Get me, err...
- 123. twenty quids' worth.
- 124. Just want a little taster.
- 125. Okay.
- 126. Bring it around at seven,
- 127. - yeah?
- 128. - D'you know where I live?
- 129. And keep it...
- 130. - All right?
- 131. - You ready, Jabba?
- One minute.
- 132. You get a lovely little handful
of his neck.
- 133. Like a pug.
- 134. You all right?
- 135. How's it going?
- 136. I'm still alone, angry, in pain.
I can't wait to end it all. You?
- 137. I'm fine, thanks.
- 138. If you're not killing yourself tonight,
still okay to look after George?
- 139. Yeah. What time did we say?
- 140. About five.
- 141. I've got a thing with Jill. Only be a
couple of hours. We'll be back by seven.
- 142. Seven? By seven?
- 143. I need to... I've got a thing at seven.
- 144. Yeah.
- 145. - Okay.
- What were you doing with his neck?
- 146. Just showing Sandy the ropes.
- 147. The consistency,
- 148. which is not like neck at all.
- 149. - It's more like breast or scrotum.
- Well, you're not touching them.
- 150. - You all right with that?
- Yeah, fine.
- 151. He's nodding.
- 152. - You all right with that?
- 153. Why wouldn't she be all right
with me grabbing his neck?
- 154. These days, it's a minefield.
- 155. - Are you gonna do that story?
- Yeah, we're off to do it now. Come on.
- 156. Is that how you were carried around
when you were young?
- 157. - See ya later.
- See ya.
- 158. See ya.
- 159. Wow.
- 160. Lost for words. It's just...
- 161. Um...
- 162. Err...
- 163. How long did it take you to master the...
- 164. double-nostril recorder?
- 165. Few hours a day
for a few weeks, wasn't it?
- 166. Yeah. Blimey. Did me head in.
- 167. All worth it now, though.
- 168. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Cool.
- 169. 'Cause I haven't got a job.
- 170. No?
- 171. So I've got lots of time.
- 172. Use it wisely.
- 173. Funny, 'cause it was only
this morning, I was thinking
- 174. my life was worthless, and I should
definitely kill myself, and then...
- 175. Makes you think, dunnit?
- 176. Yeah.
- 177. Get a picture?
- 178. Recorders in.
- 179. - Stick em up. There ya go.
- 180. - Fuck me.
- 181. - Cheers.
- 182. Thank you.
- 183. Oh, fuck.
- 184. That was funny.
- 185. Was it though?
- 186. Why would people rather be famous
for being shit than not famous at all?
- 187. When did that start?
- 188. It's just a bit of a laugh.
We do these stories
- 189. so people read them and go,
"Oh, that's interesting."
- 190. Like a road accident.
- 191. When you slow down
on the motorway you go,
- 192. "Oh, that's interesting.
Oh, I wish I hadn't looked."
- 193. Good how he played two at the same time.
- 194. - What did you say to the mother?
- Asked if I could call her.
- 195. - Why?
- What do you mean, "why?"
- 196. - Why would you need to call her?
- For a date.
- 197. You asked the fat kid's mom out on a date?
- 198. Yeah.
- 199. - Unbelievable.
- 200. Unprofessional. Embarrassing.
- 201. For who?
- 202. For me, for her, probably.
- 203. Well, she said yes.
- 204. Seems odd. You meet a woman
who wants to get a fat kid in the paper,
- 205. and you hit on her immediately.
- 206. I've got a very high sex drive.
- 207. Okay, well never say those words again.
- 208. Oh.
- 209. It's coming this way.
- 210. Be very still and it might not see us.
- 211. Nah, we're done for.
- 212. It's stopping.
- 213. - All right?
- 214. Do you have weird dreams?
- 215. Erm...
- 216. - Sometimes.
- 217. Yeah.
- 218. What about you?
- 219. because there is nothing more boring
than someone telling you a dream they had.
- 220. See what you think of this then.
- 221. - She's gonna tell us anyway-.
- I was looking in the mirror,
- 222. and I looked really weird
- 223. and I could pull my hair out—
- 224. I know how you feel.
- 225. And...
- 226. So I tried my teeth,
and my teeth were loose,
- 227. but then, it wasn't me, it was a baby.
- 228. What the hell does that mean?
- 229. Wow. You had that dream with the baby
and the teeth and the hair?
- 230. - Mmm.
- Wow, I don't know if it was Freud or Jung
- 231. that said if you have that dream
and tell other people about it,
- 232. you're really fucking boring.
- 233. Rude.
- 234. Make a good column, though,
wouldn't it, dreams?
- 235. No. I tell you what would be good.
I haven't been sleeping,
- 236. so if you could come around every night
and talk to me for five minutes,
- 237. and then sneak out as I slip into a coma,
- 238. that'd be really good.
- 239. Thought of another feature
for the paper, actually.
- 240. Fantasy dinner-party guests.
- 241. Brilliant, hey? Pick your top five
favorite people, and why.
- 242. Why, indeed.
- 243. Who would yours be?
Five people, dead or alive.
- 244. Dead.
- 245. - Who, though?
- Doesn't matter, as long as they're dead.
- 246. I know mine.
- 247. - Of course you do.
- Number one, James Corden.
- 248. - Fuck me.
- We could do that Carpool Karaoke.
- 249. Could you do Carpool Kamikaze?
- 250. That man can do anything.
- 251. - And does.
- I know the cool kids don't like him,
- 252. but he never stops working.
- 253. - As a chauffeur mainly.
- He's a grafter, like me.
- 254. Princess Diana.
- 255. She'd know how she died.
You know, what happened.
- 256. So we'd be able to sort that out,
once and for all.
- 257. So you've brought this poor woman
back to life
- 258. so you can quiz her about how she died?
- 259. The dead always want to tell their story
so they can be at peace.
- 260. She's not at peace. She's in a room
with you and James fuckin' Corden.
- 261. - Mr. Bean.
- 262. Hilarious, more like.
- 263. You've invited multimillionaire
Rowan Atkinson, right,
- 264. along to a dinner party with you,
a dead woman, and James Corden,
- 265. and you expect him to stay in character
- 266. for three hours as Mr. fuckin' Bean?
- 267. It's up to me who I invite.
- 268. Kevin Hart,
- 269. funniest man in the world.
- 270. - That's four, innit?
- 271. - Michael Jackson.
- 272. James Corden would come
if Jacko walked in.
- 273. Just fuckin' drench everyone.
- 274. You need to grow up.
- 275. Worst dinner party ever.
- 276. Oh, good.
- 277. Trying to be.
- 278. It doesn't look like you are.
- 279. Watching her bothering us
while we're trying to work?
- 280. Can you do what I asked you to do, please?
- 281. You're meant to be teaching Sandy—
- 282. She's learning a lot.
- 283. Please.
- 284. Right, it's going. Come on.
- 285. - No, come on.
- 286. - This is stupid. You're gonna get hurt.
- 287. - Because you're old!
- I'm not old.
- 288. - I'm old. Look, I'm drunk.
- Come on.
- 289. - I know, but that's good if you're drunk.
- No, it's stupid.
- 290. Drunk people, they sort of bounce.
All right, come on.
- 291. If I fall on you,
I'm not taking you to A&E.
- 292. - No. Okay.
- Right, go. Go.
- 293. Stupid thing!
- 294. - I'm flying!
- 295. Yes!
- 296. Let go, sweetie. Let go.
- 297. - Whoa! Argh!
- 298. So what sort of journalism
are you interested in?
- 299. You don't have to babysit me.
- 300. I'm happy to just sit here.
- 301. I like peace and quiet.
- 302. I live at home with my mum,
dad, brother and sister, so...
- 303. the house can be quite full of life.
- 304. - What?
- 305. I'm sorry.
- 306. What? What's the matter?
- 307. You're sad.
- 308. It's fine, seriously.
- 309. I was married for 25 years.
It was brilliant.
- 310. Now it's over. It's not your problem.
- 311. - Did you not want any kids?
- 312. - Annoying little fuckers.
- 313. You can still be happy.
- 314. I'll try, but stop crying
- 315. because people will think
I said summat awful.
- 316. - Okay.
- Okay. Shhhh.
- 317. See, this is why I don't want kids.
They're too snotty and pathetic.
- 318. Oh!
- 319. I think he's gonna eat. Watch this.
- 320. He told you to watch me eat, didn't he?
- 321. Yeah.
- 322. - Thoughts?
- It's fine.
- 323. No, exactly. I put the food in my gob,
- 324. I chew it, I swallow it,
just like everyone else.
- 325. But from here,
it looks like that super photography
- 326. when they sort of magnify a snail,
like one thousand times, eating a cabbage.
- 327. No, nothing like that.
You'd never catch me eating cabbages.
- 328. My granddad never used to eat cabbages.
- 329. Did he die of diabetes like he's gonna?
- 330. No, bowel cancer.
- 331. Do you get any fiber in your diet?
- 332. Yeah, loads.
- 333. - Potatoes don't count.
- None, then.
- 334. - Oh, my God, Tony!
- 335. - You're such a dick!
- 336. - That's really good.
- 337. I like to think that I helped—
- 338. - Yeah, that bit.
- 339. - You can sign that bit.
- 340. Yeah, where I jumped.
- 341. - Hey. You all right?
- Good. All right, George?
- 342. - So I'll be back about seven.
- Make sure it is. I've got that thing.
- 343. - Okay, no worries. See you then.
- 344. Be a good boy for Uncle Tony, George!
- 345. Um, maybe don't bring up
the wanting to kill yourself thing.
- 346. As if I would.
- 347. Sorry. Yeah, I know. Okay.
- 348. What if he brings it up?
- 349. Why would he bring it up?
- 350. He wouldn't.
- 351. It was a joke.
- 352. Oh.
- 353. - All right, see ya later.
- See ya later.
- 354. Do you want a drink?
- 355. Yes, please.
- 356. - Whiskey?
- 357. And we've got— Oh.
- 358. Coke?
- 359. Daddy says you're sad
since Auntie Lisa died.
- 360. Yep.
- 361. I'm sad, too.
- 362. I dream about her sometimes.
- 363. Me too.
- 364. Why didn't the doctors make her better?
- 365. They tried.
- 366. Why didn't Jesus save her?
- 367. 'Cause he's an arsehole.
- 368. - Don't tell your mum and dad I said that.
- I won't.
- 369. - You had your tea?
- 370. - Hungry?
- 371. Shall we go to the cafe?
- 372. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Come on then.
- 373. - You got any money?
- 374. Loser.
- 375. What d'you fancy?
- 376. Fish fingers and beans.
- 377. Good choice.
- 378. Think I'll have that.
- 379. - What can I get for ya?
- We're having the fish fingers and beans.
- 380. That's only on the children's menu,
- 381. Yeah, I'm not very hungry.
- 382. I can't let you order that.
- 383. What do you mean?
- 384. It's for children.
- 385. But... I can eat what children eat,
- 386. Yeah, but it's only £4.99.
- 387. Yeah, I know,
'cause it's a smaller portion.
- 388. I'm paying child's prices,
- 389. but I'm getting a children's portion.
- 390. Yeah, but we made it cheaper
'cause it's for kids.
- 391. I know, 'cause they're smaller.
- 392. It's smaller 'cause they're smaller.
It's not a concession.
- 393. It's not 'cause they're unemployed, is it?
And also, an adult's paying, so—
- 394. It's the rules.
- 395. - Is it?
- 396. Right.
- 397. Well, he'll have fish fingers and beans...
- 398. twice.
- 399. - You'll just eat one of them, won't ya?
- 400. So what are you ordering?
- 401. As I say, I'm not very hungry,
so I'll just get a coffee.
- 402. Both for him, are they?
- 403. - That good?
- 404. Mmm.
- 405. Fuckin' 'ell.
- 406. Where's your fuckin' dad?
- 407. - Oh. Oh, no.
- 408. Please don't be Julian.
Please don't be Julian.
- 409. Yes!
- 410. - George!
- I'm sorry, erm...
It's all right. See ya later.
- 411. - Cheers.
There he is. All right?
- 412. - See you tomorrow.
- All right?
- 413. - Yeah, good.
- 414. - Had a good time?
- Yeah, good. Off you— Fuck.
- 415. - Hey, what are you doing here?
- 416. he's come around to talk about
getting started on the paper.
- 417. - Not this.
- Oh, right.
- 418. - Great.
- 419. - Right—
- Got a takeaway?
- 420. It's drugs.
- 421. - You don't need to answer—
- 422. And it's seven, so go.
- 423. - Okay.
- Come in.
- 424. Was that all right?
- 425. Why would you say drugs?