- 1. If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.
- 2. I couldn't say any of this to your face.
It's too embarrassing.
- 3. For you, not for me, obviously.
- 4. You're never very good
at hearing how lovely you are.
- 5. But you are.
- 6. You are. You're lovely.
- 7. But you're absolutely fucking useless.
- 8. So I thought I'd leave you
a little guide to life without me.
- 9. You've gotta turn the alarm off
in the morning, yeah?
- 10. If you open the door, it'll set it off,
- 11. then the alarm company
think we're getting broken into.
- 12. If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.
- 13. The number's in your phone under "alarm."
The alarm code is 8645.
- 14. That's your PIN code.
- 15. You know this.
- 16. And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.
- 17. And feed the dog, yeah?
- 18. First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.
- 19. - And what else?
- 20. Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.
- 21. Black bin is household waste,
- 22. green bin is recy-
- 23. Where's your bowl?
- 24. There it is.
- 25. Oh, fuck!
- 26. - No dog food.
- 27. Baked beans or vegetable curry?
- 28. Thought so.
- 29. Oh, sorry.
- 30. - I'll get you some real food later.
- 31. Fuckin' hell.
- 32. Vegetable curry for me then.
- 33. Oh!
- 34. . Hello.
- 35. I'm starting here today.
- 36. I'm starting work here today.
- 37. Okay. Do you have a name?
- 38. Yes. Sandy.
- 39. No, I mean,
who are you meant to meet here?
- 40. Who hired you?
- 41. Oh. Mr. Braden.
- 42. Come here. Good girl.
- 43. Your dog should be on a lead.
- 44. - What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.
- 45. Can't you read? The park's for everyone.
- 46. Oh, right. Oh, sorry.
- 47. Thank you. Come here, girl.
- 48. Come here.
- 49. What? He is not a fat, hairy,
- 50. Bad girl, Brandy.
- 51. Sorry about that.
- 52. - Disgusting.
- See you later.
- 53. Good girl.
- 54. Right.
- 55. I've gotta go to work.
- 56. See you later.
- 57. I'll bring you some food.
- 58. Good girl. Good girl.
- 59. Good girl.
Here you go.
- 60. What?
It's your post.
- 61. Put it through the door.
- 62. Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.
- 63. - I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?
- 64. You're new, aren't you?
- 65. Yeah, I was transferred—
- 66. No, I don't care.
- 67. Presumably in your old round, you put
things through the door, didn't you?
- 68. Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.
- 69. - Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?
- 70. Yeah. What's your name?
- 71. You'll laugh.
- 72. It's Pat.
- 73. Postman Pat?
- 74. Yeah.
- 75. Put it through the door.
- 76. That was easy, wasn't it?
- 77. - You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.
- 78. - Why not?
- I'm not a postman.
- 79. Go on.
- 80. Hi, George.
- 81. Hi.
- 82. Who's that?
- 83. He's my uncle.
- 84. Pedo!
- 85. What?
- 86. Pedo!
- 87. I'm not a pedo.
- 88. And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.
- 89. Welcome.
- 90. Great to have you.
- 91. I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?
- 92. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.
- 93. Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.
- 94. Really excellent bunch of people.
- 95. Hard working.
- 96. It's very rewarding as well.
You get to go out into the community.
- 97. And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,
- 98. erm... entertainment, finance.
- 99. So, yeah.
- 100. Kath does the advertising.
- 101. Be nice to her, and she might take you
to the opening of a new restaurant,
- 102. give you a free meal.
- 103. Lenny does all the photography,
- 104. so if you're interested in that...
- 105. Everyone chips in on everything, really.
- 106. So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?
- 107. Writing features.
- 108. Perfect. That's great.
- 109. You'll definitely do that here.
- 110. Lots of features. Sky's the limit.
- 111. Erm...
- 112. Tony's the head of features.
- 113. He's not here.
- 114. He's a very good writer.
- 115. Very smart, very experienced,
good guy. Erm...
- 116. He's not himself at the minute,
to be honest.
- 117. He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...
- 118. His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.
- 119. Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,
- 120. who died.
- 121. Cancer.
- 122. - Sorry.
- 123. And he was obviously devastated.
- 124. Err... suicidal.
- 125. Right.
- 126. I should warn you, he might...
- 127. say a few things that are a bit...
- 128. err...
- 129. brutal...
- 130. at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.
- 131. I mean, you will be
working closely with him.
- 132. Anyway, err...
- 133. - have fun.
- 134. Thanks.
- 135. So, how are you?
- 136. Same.
- 137. Bad then?
- 138. I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.
- 139. But I guess a good day
- 140. is when I don't go around
- 141. wanting to shoot random strangers
in the face
- 142. and then turn the gun on myself.
- 143. One of my clients
- 144. fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...
- 145. when he's masturbating.
- 146. Why are you telling me that?
- 147. I didn't say his name.
- 148. No, I know, but...
- 149. how does that help me?
- 150. I dunno.
- 151. I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.
- 152. Only what?
- 153. Well, the only mental case out there.
- 154. I mean, y'know...
- 155. the only guy with mental problems.
- 156. - I've got problems.
- Go on.
- 157. God, man, where do I start?
- 158. Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...
- 159. - Morning.
- 160. Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.
- 161. Hardly scarred for life.
- 162. She's 93.
- 163. If she lives to 100, she's only been
scarred for seven percent of her life.
- 164. You're late.
- 165. You're boring.
- 166. You're joking, aren't you?
- 167. I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?
- 168. It's distribution day.
- 169. No, I mean, why would you think
I was joking about you being boring?
- 170. Have you got a... counterargument or...
- 171. - Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.
- 172. Tony, come on. What's going on?
- 173. We're putting out a free local newspaper
that no one cares about.
- 174. No, that's not true.
- 175. And that's not wh—
Can you come in my office?
- 176. Sure.
- 177. A lot of people rely on our paper.
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?
- 178. Back to work, everyone.
- 179. What do you want me to say?
- 180. That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up?
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.
- 181. Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,
- 182. - okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...
- 183. my wife dying affected me a bit?
- 184. Of course, and you know I get that.
I even told Sandy about it.
- 185. - Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.
- 186. I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.
- 187. I had to say something.
- 188. Look, I just need a bit of professionalism
around here, okay, Tony.
- 189. - Please?
- 190. I shouldn't have to explain this to you.
- 191. You can't just go around
being rude to people.
- 192. You can, though.
- 193. That's the beauty of it.
- 194. There's no advantage
to being nice and thoughtful
- 195. and caring and having integrity.
- 196. It's a disadvantage, if anything.
- 197. Well, if you carry on like this,
I might have to let you go.
- 198. No, you won't.
- 199. You won't, that's what I'm saying,
'cause you're a nice bloke.
- 200. So I'll take advantage of you,
- 201. like everyone else does here.
- 202. - You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- 203. You'll give me another warning.
I'll ignore it.
- 204. I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.
- 205. Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.
- 206. The girls here have discovered
- 207. that you won't even question
- 208. Kath's had three periods this month.
- 209. She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.
- 210. She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.
- 211. So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.
- 212. Why would you wanna do that?
- 213. Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?
- 214. There's only one thing
that'd make me better and happy,
- 215. and that's Lisa being around,
and that can't happen.
- 216. So that's why I nearly killed myself
- 217. Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?
- 218. So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.
- 219. The look on the dog's face.
- 220. She was hungry,
so I thought I'd better feed her.
- 221. It gave me time to think,
- 222. "I should be dead now."
- 223. I didn't care.
- 224. So, everything's a bonus.
- 225. If I become an arsehole,
- 226. and I do and say what the fuck I want
- 227. for as long as I want,
- 228. and then when it all gets too much,
- 229. I can always kill myself.
- 230. It's like a superpower.
- 231. That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.
- 232. That's the way it is now.
- 233. So what? So...
- 234. My job now is to make you happy
before you kill yourself?
- 235. That's like a constant ticking clock
for me now, is it?
- 236. If you like.
- 237. Well, I don't like.
- 238. Anyway, that's the way it is.
- 239. Okay, well,
I'm glad we had this chat.
- 240. Yeah, very constructive.
- 241. All right, erm...
- 242. So this is... This is Sandy.
- 243. She's just started today.
It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,
- 244. she's gonna be working under you.
If you could...
- 245. show her the ropes, tell her what's what.
- 246. Here's what's what...
- 247. humanity is a plague.
- 248. We're a disgusting, narcissistic,
- 249. and the world would be
a better place without us.
- 250. It should be everyone's moral duty
to kill themselves.
- 251. I could do it now.
Quite happily just go upstairs,
- 252. jump off the roof,
- 253. and make sure I landed
on some cunt from accounts.
- 254. That the sort of thing...
- 255. you meant?
- 256. No.
- 257. Just, erm... ignore that.
- 258. Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?
- 259. Sure thing.
- 260. Gotta get the papers out.
- 261. - You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.
- 262. Can I guess the bullet points?
- 263. Get in.
- 264. Eat in front of the computer.
- 265. Go to the pub.
- 266. Eat in front of the quiz machine.
- 267. Go home.
- 268. Eat in front of the telly.
- 269. Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?
- 270. I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.
- 271. I've gotta go.
- 272. Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?
- 273. Yes, please.
- 274. Do you mind him talking to you like that?
- 275. Nah, he's a mate.
- 276. It distracts him.
- 277. You don't take any shit off him,
- 278. I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.
- 279. - Julian?
- 280. We've had a few calls
- 281. saying that their building didn't get
any papers delivered.
- 282. Ah.
- 283. Okay, look, that's weird
'cause I definitely
- 284. delivered them all.
- 285. You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?
- 286. You can't just leave them outside.
- 287. A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.
- 288. Yeah, I know that, boss.
- 289. I will be extra careful with these.
- 290. Okay.
- 291. Can I get paid now?
- 292. You will do a good job, won't you?
You can trust me, yeah.
- 293. - Thirty-five pounds, right?
- 294. All right. Cheers.
- 295. Okay.
- 296. Hot date?
- 297. Sorry, what?
- 298. Just saw you washing
- 299. in a puddle from a drain,
- 300. and I wondered
if it was a special occasion.
- 301. Not really, no.
- 302. Gonna buy drugs with that
and dump the papers in the skip?
- 303. Well,
- 304. I should probably dump them first,
then buy the drugs.
- 305. I'll forget otherwise, won't I?
- 306. Where's Lisa?
- 307. She's dead, Dad.
- 308. Remember?
- 309. She died earlier this year.
- 310. She was here this morning.
- 311. No, she wasn't.
- 312. Hi.
- 313. Right.
- 314. Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?
- 315. If it was a dog, you'd put it down.
- 316. It?
- 317. I was sort of being nice, that...
- 318. I feel sorry for him.
- 319. Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?
- 320. I worry when they cry.
- 321. We say there's nothing going on inside
to make ourselves feel better,
- 322. but there's definitely something going on.
- 323. Hey?
- 324. You married?
- 325. No time for that.
- 326. I'll give you a good seeing to.
- 327. I'm sorry.
It's all right.
- 328. Never heard any complaints.
- 329. Kept the wife happy.
- 330. I've gotta go.
- 331. See you later.
- 332. See you, Dad.
- 333. Bring Lisa with you.
- 334. Fuck me!
- 335. Yeah, all right.
- 336. Jesus Christ!
- 337. Good girl.
- 338. Ah, fuckin' hell.
- 339. No bowls.
- 340. Fuck's sake.
- 341. No fuckin' milk!
- 342. Don't wallow, hey?
- 343. Stay active.
- 344. And keep our house tidy.
- 345. Our lovely house.
- 346. And don't get drunk all the time,
- 347. 'Cause it'll only make you feel worse
in the long run.
- 348. I'm not a doctor,
- 349. but I have spoken to loads of 'em
over the last few months,
- 350. and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.
- 351. If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,
- 352. it don't build up.
- 353. And change the salt every now and then.
- 354. The salt's in the garage.
- 355. The garage is that massive thing
on the side of the 'ouse.
- 356. Oh, fuck's sake.
- 357. You all right, yeah?
I was worried about you.
- 358. Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.
- 359. Come to the pub.
Me and Len are going for lunch.
- 360. No, I've had lunch.
- 361. Come on.
- 362. - We used to go to the pub all the time.
- 363. Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.
- 364. Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.
- 365. It'll do you good.
- 366. Come on, please.
All journalists go to the pub for lunch.
- 367. We're not journalists.
- 368. We are journalists.
We work for a newspaper.
- 369. Yeah, and that newspaper
is used to line cat litter trays
- 370. by old ladies, once a week.
- 371. And they read it before they do that.
- 372. - We're not journalists.
- We are.
- 373. - We're journalists.
- No, we're not.
- 374. - Yes, we are.
- 375. - Stop saying that. We are.
- 376. - Fuckin' hell!
- 377. Can you hear that?
- 378. Fuckin' fat cunt
eating like a fuckin' slug.
- 379. - Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.
- 380. Why don't you throw yourself
into your work?
- 381. - I can't concentrate with that—
- 382. They're crisps. They're crunchy.
- 383. But why does he have to do all that
- 384. Well, this is fun.
- 385. Told you.
- 386. You told me? Great.
- 387. Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?
- 388. And do you think that might be you
on this occasion?
- 389. - No.
- 390. - Look, just ignore him, okay.
- 391. As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?
- 392. It's what depressed people do.
- 393. Sometimes.
- 394. It's hard for me to throw myself
into my work, when my work
- 395. is often talking to a plumber
on the estate
- 396. who's grown a potato
that looks like Lionel Richie.
- 397. That made the front cover.
- 398. It did look like him, though.
Actually, this is a good time.
- 399. We've got some exciting leads
at the moment.
- 400. - Leads?
- 401. Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?
- 402. - They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?
- 403. - What "leads" do we have?
- All right.
- 404. A woman called us,
when she drags her dustbin
- 405. it sounds like Chewbacca.
- 406. - No.
- No? All right.
- 407. Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.
- 408. And she wasn't before.
- 409. No, I get the angle.
- 410. Man who got sent
the same birthday card five times.
- 411. - Really?
- 412. - Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of that
- 413. ASAP.
- 414. Well, yes. Why don't you?
'Cause that is your job.
- 415. - I know.
- 416. Ring the doorbell.
- 417. You disgusting—
- 418. I didn't wanna do it
in his house.
- 419. Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.
- 420. - Hello.
- Don't come out. This fat cunt's
- 421. - shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?
- 422. Yeah. Leave him there for a while.
- 423. You fuckin' pig.
- 424. When I got the first one,
- 425. "That's a nice card."
- 426. And then I got the second, and I thought,
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"
- 427. But then when I got the third,
- 428. I thought,
"Well, what are the chances of that?"
- 429. Astronomical.
- 430. And then the fourth...
- 431. Wow!
- 432. Wow.
- 433. But then, five... I mean,
- 434. I bet that's never 'appened before.
- 435. Not on record anyway.
- 436. - Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.
- 437. Is this going to be
in next week's newspaper?
- 438. Yeah, we'll rush this through.
- 439. Quite a scoop.
- 440. My Denise would be tickled by this.
- 441. It's my wife.
- 442. She passed away last year.
- 443. Light of my life.
- 444. Anything that happens,
- 445. I go to tell her.
- 446. Then I remember.
- 447. Nothing's as good if you don't share it.
- 448. Still have my downs,
- 449. but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?
- 450. You can't feel sorry for yourself.
- 451. Got to keep going.
- 452. Happy birthday.
- 453. Oh. Thanks.
- 454. Fuck's sake.
- 455. Excuse me. Where's the dog food?
- 456. It's by the cat food.
- 457. Right, well...
- 458. I've got another question then.
- 459. Where's the cat food?
- 460. Tinned products, aisle two.
- 461. Cheers. Don't get up.
- 462. Okay.
- 463. - That everything?
- 464. - Oh.
- 465. All right, mate. You got any money?
- 466. - Yeah.
- 467. Yes, I've got money.
- 468. Give it to me then.
- 469. Why?
- 470. 'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.
- 471. Does that usually work, does it?
- 472. To most people,
- 473. the threat of death
is worse than giving you money,
- 474. but...
- 475. Or they're worried
you'll hurt their family or...
- 476. I haven't got any family.
- 477. I'm not gonna go into it,
but I don't care about anything anymore.
- 478. I'm not giving you any money.
- 479. Are you mental?
- 480. No, I'm just tired of doing things
I don't wanna do,
- 481. and we always have a choice.
- 482. And if I've read this right,
- 483. my choice
- 484. is either violence
- 485. or hand over my money peacefully
- 486. to two useless little cunts.
- 487. - Are you mad?
- 488. - Fuck off! Okay?
- 489. Just fuck off.
- 490. There you go.
- 491. It's no one's fault
- 492. Don't go blaming the world.
- 493. You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.
- 494. But you've got such a good heart.
- 495. You're born like it.
You can't contrive it. You're just decent.
- 496. I knew it, first time I met you.
- 497. Hit me like a bolt of lightning.
- 498. And I've loved you ever since.
- 499. You fat twat!
- 500. Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!
- 501. You're not a real vicar,
I can tell.
- 502. Oh, Tony!
- 503. Ah!
- 504. Oh my God!
- 505. - What?
- Why'd you do this to me?
- 506. It's good for you.
It gets your heart going.
- 507. - It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You—