1. If you're watching this,
then I'm not around anymore.Copy !req
2. I couldn't say any of this to your face.
It's too embarrassing.Copy !req
3. For you, not for me, obviously.Copy !req
4. You're never very good
at hearing how lovely you are.Copy !req
5. But you are.Copy !req
6. You are. You're lovely.Copy !req
7. But you're absolutely fucking useless.Copy !req
8. So I thought I'd leave you
a little guide to life without me.Copy !req
9. You've gotta turn the alarm off
in the morning, yeah?Copy !req
10. If you open the door, it'll set it off,Copy !req
11. then the alarm company
think we're getting broken into.Copy !req
12. If you do set it off,
you've gotta ring 'em.Copy !req
13. The number's in your phone under "alarm."
The alarm code is 8645.Copy !req
14. That's your PIN code.Copy !req
15. You know this.Copy !req
16. And... put it on "perimeter,"
otherwise the dog will set it off.Copy !req
17. And feed the dog, yeah?Copy !req
18. First thing in the morning
and when you get in from work.Copy !req
19. - And what else?Copy !req
20. Gotta put the bins out Tuesday evenings.Copy !req
21. Black bin is household waste,Copy !req
22. green bin is recy-Copy !req
23. Where's your bowl?Copy !req
24. There it is.Copy !req
25. Oh, fuck!Copy !req
26. - No dog food.Copy !req
27. Baked beans or vegetable curry?Copy !req
28. Thought so.Copy !req
29. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
30. - I'll get you some real food later.Copy !req
31. Fuckin' hell.Copy !req
32. Vegetable curry for me then.Copy !req
33. Oh!Copy !req
34. . Hello.
- Hello.Copy !req
35. I'm starting here today.Copy !req
36. I'm starting work here today.Copy !req
37. Okay. Do you have a name?Copy !req
38. Yes. Sandy.Copy !req
39. No, I mean,
who are you meant to meet here?Copy !req
40. Who hired you?Copy !req
41. Oh. Mr. Braden.Copy !req
42. Come here. Good girl.Copy !req
43. Your dog should be on a lead.Copy !req
44. - What?
- Dogs should be on a lead.Copy !req
45. Can't you read? The park's for everyone.Copy !req
46. Oh, right. Oh, sorry.Copy !req
47. Thank you. Come here, girl.Copy !req
48. Come here.Copy !req
49. What? He is not a fat, hairy,
nosy cocksucker.Copy !req
50. Bad girl, Brandy.Copy !req
51. Sorry about that.Copy !req
52. - Disgusting.
- See you later.Copy !req
53. Good girl.Copy !req
54. Right.Copy !req
55. I've gotta go to work.Copy !req
56. See you later.Copy !req
57. I'll bring you some food.Copy !req
58. Good girl. Good girl.Copy !req
59. Good girl.
Here you go.Copy !req
60. What?
It's your post.Copy !req
61. Put it through the door.Copy !req
62. Well, you're here, so it saves me a trip.Copy !req
63. - I don't wanna walk with it, do I?
- Why not?Copy !req
64. You're new, aren't you?Copy !req
65. Yeah, I was transferred—Copy !req
66. No, I don't care.Copy !req
67. Presumably in your old round, you put
things through the door, didn't you?Copy !req
68. Mate, there's no need to get all lairy.Copy !req
69. - Why are you talking to me like this?
- Will you report me?Copy !req
70. Yeah. What's your name?Copy !req
71. You'll laugh.
Trust me.Copy !req
72. It's Pat.Copy !req
73. Postman Pat?Copy !req
74. Yeah.Copy !req
75. Put it through the door.Copy !req
76. That was easy, wasn't it?Copy !req
77. - You could've done that.
- No, I couldn't.Copy !req
78. - Why not?
- I'm not a postman.Copy !req
79. Go on.Copy !req
80. Hi, George.Copy !req
81. Hi.Copy !req
82. Who's that?Copy !req
83. He's my uncle.Copy !req
84. Pedo!Copy !req
85. What?Copy !req
86. Pedo!Copy !req
87. I'm not a pedo.Copy !req
88. And if I was, you'd be safe,
you tubby, little ginger cunt.Copy !req
89. Welcome.Copy !req
90. Great to have you.Copy !req
91. I remember my first day,
and it is exciting, isn't it?Copy !req
92. - Yeah.
- Yeah. Great place to work, this.Copy !req
93. Very dynamic, lots of people
in and out all the time.Copy !req
94. Really excellent bunch of people.Copy !req
95. Hard working.Copy !req
96. It's very rewarding as well.
You get to go out into the community.Copy !req
97. And that can be anything
from local stories, you know,Copy !req
98. erm... entertainment, finance.Copy !req
99. So, yeah.Copy !req
100. Kath does the advertising.Copy !req
101. Be nice to her, and she might take you
to the opening of a new restaurant,Copy !req
102. give you a free meal.Copy !req
103. Lenny does all the photography,Copy !req
104. so if you're interested in that...Copy !req
105. Everyone chips in on everything, really.Copy !req
106. So what kind of thing are you
interested in, would you say?Copy !req
107. Writing features.Copy !req
108. Perfect. That's great.Copy !req
109. You'll definitely do that here.Copy !req
110. Lots of features. Sky's the limit.Copy !req
111. Erm...Copy !req
112. Tony's the head of features.Copy !req
113. He's not here.Copy !req
114. He's a very good writer.Copy !req
115. Very smart, very experienced,
good guy. Erm...Copy !req
116. He's not himself at the minute,
to be honest.Copy !req
117. He's had a bit of bad news. Erm...Copy !req
118. His... err... Tony's my brother-in-law.Copy !req
119. Erm. He was married to my sister, Lisa,Copy !req
120. who died.Copy !req
121. Cancer.Copy !req
122. - Sorry.
- Yeah.Copy !req
123. And he was obviously devastated.Copy !req
124. Err... suicidal.Copy !req
125. Right.Copy !req
126. I should warn you, he might...Copy !req
127. say a few things that are a bit...Copy !req
128. err...Copy !req
129. brutal...Copy !req
130. at times, so, you know,
don't take it personally.Copy !req
131. I mean, you will be
working closely with him.Copy !req
132. Anyway, err...Copy !req
133. - have fun.Copy !req
134. Thanks.Copy !req
135. So, how are you?Copy !req
136. Same.Copy !req
137. Bad then?Copy !req
138. I've honestly nothing
to compare it to anymore.Copy !req
139. But I guess a good dayCopy !req
140. is when I don't go aroundCopy !req
141. wanting to shoot random strangers
in the faceCopy !req
142. and then turn the gun on myself.Copy !req
143. One of my clientsCopy !req
144. fantasizes about killing his ex-wife...Copy !req
145. when he's masturbating.Copy !req
146. Why are you telling me that?Copy !req
147. I didn't say his name.Copy !req
148. No, I know, but...Copy !req
149. how does that help me?Copy !req
150. I dunno.Copy !req
151. I guess to let you know
you're not the only one.Copy !req
152. Only what?Copy !req
153. Well, the only mental case out there.Copy !req
154. I mean, y'know...Copy !req
155. the only guy with mental problems.Copy !req
156. - I've got problems.
- Go on.Copy !req
157. God, man, where do I start?Copy !req
158. Maybe start with me, as I'm paying, but...Copy !req
159. - Morning.
- Morning.Copy !req
160. Terrible, isn't it? Scarred for life.Copy !req
161. Hardly scarred for life.Copy !req
162. She's 93.Copy !req
163. If she lives to 100, she's only been
scarred for seven percent of her life.Copy !req
164. You're late.Copy !req
165. You're boring.Copy !req
166. You're joking, aren't you?Copy !req
167. I wasn't, but go on. What have you got?Copy !req
168. It's distribution day.Copy !req
169. No, I mean, why would you think
I was joking about you being boring?Copy !req
170. Have you got a... counterargument or...Copy !req
171. - Why do you let him get away with this?
- I don't.Copy !req
172. Tony, come on. What's going on?Copy !req
173. We're putting out a free local newspaper
that no one cares about.Copy !req
174. No, that's not true.Copy !req
175. And that's not wh—
Can you come in my office?Copy !req
176. Sure.Copy !req
177. A lot of people rely on our paper.
Not everyone's on Twitter, are they?Copy !req
178. Back to work, everyone.Copy !req
179. What do you want me to say?Copy !req
180. That I'm sorry, and I'll buck my ideas up?
'Cause I won't. 'Cause there's no point.Copy !req
181. Look, Tony, I know that you've had issues,Copy !req
182. - okay, since you lost Lisa.
- Do you reckon...Copy !req
183. my wife dying affected me a bit?Copy !req
184. Of course, and you know I get that.
I even told Sandy about it.Copy !req
185. - Who's Sandy?
- The new girl.Copy !req
186. I didn't want her thinking
this is a madhouse.Copy !req
187. I had to say something.Copy !req
188. Look, I just need a bit of professionalism
around here, okay, Tony.Copy !req
189. - Please?
- No.Copy !req
190. I shouldn't have to explain this to you.Copy !req
191. You can't just go around
being rude to people.Copy !req
192. You can, though.Copy !req
193. That's the beauty of it.Copy !req
194. There's no advantage
to being nice and thoughtfulCopy !req
195. and caring and having integrity.Copy !req
196. It's a disadvantage, if anything.Copy !req
197. Well, if you carry on like this,
I might have to let you go.Copy !req
198. No, you won't.Copy !req
199. You won't, that's what I'm saying,
'cause you're a nice bloke.Copy !req
200. So I'll take advantage of you,Copy !req
201. like everyone else does here.Copy !req
202. - You'll warn me. I'll ignore it.
- What?Copy !req
203. You'll give me another warning.
I'll ignore it.Copy !req
204. I'll carry on doing what the fuck I want.Copy !req
205. Eventually you'll give up, and I'll win.Copy !req
206. The girls here have discoveredCopy !req
207. that you won't even question
"women's problems."Copy !req
208. Kath's had three periods this month.Copy !req
209. She likes Fridays off. You do nothing.Copy !req
210. She gets away with it
'cause she's an arsehole.Copy !req
211. So, I thought, right,
let's have a bit of that.Copy !req
212. Why would you wanna do that?Copy !req
213. Why wouldn't you just rather
get better and be happy?Copy !req
214. There's only one thing
that'd make me better and happy,Copy !req
215. and that's Lisa being around,
and that can't happen.Copy !req
216. So that's why I nearly killed myself
straight away.Copy !req
217. Right, okay, but you didn't
kill yourself, did you?Copy !req
218. So, clearly, you know,
something made you stop.Copy !req
219. The look on the dog's face.Copy !req
220. She was hungry,
so I thought I'd better feed her.Copy !req
221. It gave me time to think,Copy !req
222. "I should be dead now."Copy !req
223. I didn't care.Copy !req
224. So, everything's a bonus.Copy !req
225. If I become an arsehole,Copy !req
226. and I do and say what the fuck I wantCopy !req
227. for as long as I want,Copy !req
228. and then when it all gets too much,Copy !req
229. I can always kill myself.Copy !req
230. It's like a superpower.Copy !req
231. That's the worst superhero
I've ever heard of.Copy !req
232. That's the way it is now.Copy !req
233. So what? So...Copy !req
234. My job now is to make you happy
before you kill yourself?Copy !req
235. That's like a constant ticking clock
for me now, is it?Copy !req
236. If you like.Copy !req
237. Well, I don't like.Copy !req
238. Anyway, that's the way it is.Copy !req
239. Okay, well,
I'm glad we had this chat.Copy !req
240. Yeah, very constructive.Copy !req
241. All right, erm...Copy !req
242. So this is... This is Sandy.Copy !req
243. She's just started today.
It's her first day, erm, so, Tony,Copy !req
244. she's gonna be working under you.
If you could...Copy !req
245. show her the ropes, tell her what's what.Copy !req
246. Here's what's what...Copy !req
247. humanity is a plague.Copy !req
248. We're a disgusting, narcissistic,
selfish parasite,Copy !req
249. and the world would be
a better place without us.Copy !req
250. It should be everyone's moral duty
to kill themselves.Copy !req
251. I could do it now.
Quite happily just go upstairs,Copy !req
252. jump off the roof,Copy !req
253. and make sure I landed
on some cunt from accounts.Copy !req
254. That the sort of thing...Copy !req
255. you meant?Copy !req
256. No.Copy !req
257. Just, erm... ignore that.Copy !req
258. Lenny, can you show Sandy the ropes?Copy !req
259. Sure thing.Copy !req
260. Gotta get the papers out.
Thank you.Copy !req
261. - You showing her the ropes, yeah?
- Big time.Copy !req
262. Can I guess the bullet points?Copy !req
263. Get in.Copy !req
264. Eat in front of the computer.Copy !req
265. Go to the pub.Copy !req
266. Eat in front of the quiz machine.Copy !req
267. Go home.Copy !req
268. Eat in front of the telly.Copy !req
269. Go to bed. I assume you eat in bed?Copy !req
270. I have emergency snacks nearby, yeah.Copy !req
271. I've gotta go.Copy !req
272. Want me to bring you
more doughnuts, fat boy?Copy !req
273. Yes, please.Copy !req
274. Do you mind him talking to you like that?Copy !req
275. Nah, he's a mate.Copy !req
276. It distracts him.Copy !req
277. You don't take any shit off him,
all right?Copy !req
278. I don't, 'cause I'm not weak like him.Copy !req
279. - Julian?
- Yeah.Copy !req
280. We've had a few calls
from peopleCopy !req
281. saying that their building didn't get
any papers delivered.Copy !req
282. Ah.Copy !req
283. Okay, look, that's weird
'cause I definitelyCopy !req
284. delivered them all.Copy !req
285. You know you've got to ring a buzzer
to get into the actual building?Copy !req
286. You can't just leave them outside.Copy !req
287. A lot of the old people can't get
up and down the stairs or go out.Copy !req
288. Yeah, I know that, boss.Copy !req
289. I will be extra careful with these.Copy !req
290. Okay.Copy !req
291. Can I get paid now?Copy !req
292. You will do a good job, won't you?
You can trust me, yeah.Copy !req
293. - Thirty-five pounds, right?
- Yeah.Copy !req
294. All right. Cheers.Copy !req
295. Okay.Copy !req
296. Hot date?Copy !req
297. Sorry, what?Copy !req
298. Just saw you washingCopy !req
299. in a puddle from a drain,Copy !req
300. and I wondered
if it was a special occasion.Copy !req
301. Not really, no.Copy !req
302. Gonna buy drugs with that
and dump the papers in the skip?Copy !req
303. Well,Copy !req
304. I should probably dump them first,
then buy the drugs.Copy !req
305. I'll forget otherwise, won't I?Copy !req
306. Where's Lisa?Copy !req
307. She's dead, Dad.Copy !req
308. Remember?Copy !req
309. She died earlier this year.Copy !req
310. She was here this morning.Copy !req
311. No, she wasn't.Copy !req
312. Hi.
Hi.Copy !req
313. Right.Copy !req
314. Let's get you sorted, Ray, hey?Copy !req
315. If it was a dog, you'd put it down.Copy !req
316. It?Copy !req
317. I was sort of being nice, that...Copy !req
318. I feel sorry for him.Copy !req
319. Well, don't you ever feel sorry for them?Copy !req
320. I worry when they cry.Copy !req
321. We say there's nothing going on inside
to make ourselves feel better,Copy !req
322. but there's definitely something going on.Copy !req
323. Hey?Copy !req
324. You married?Copy !req
325. No time for that.Copy !req
326. I'll give you a good seeing to.Copy !req
327. I'm sorry.
It's all right.Copy !req
328. Never heard any complaints.Copy !req
329. Kept the wife happy.Copy !req
330. I've gotta go.Copy !req
331. See you later.Copy !req
332. See you, Dad.Copy !req
333. Bring Lisa with you.Copy !req
334. Fuck me!Copy !req
335. Yeah, all right.Copy !req
336. Jesus Christ!Copy !req
337. Good girl.Copy !req
338. Ah, fuckin' hell.Copy !req
339. No bowls.Copy !req
340. Fuck's sake.Copy !req
341. No fuckin' milk!Copy !req
342. Don't wallow, hey?Copy !req
343. Stay active.Copy !req
344. And keep our house tidy.Copy !req
345. Our lovely house.Copy !req
346. And don't get drunk all the time,
all right?Copy !req
347. 'Cause it'll only make you feel worse
in the long run.Copy !req
348. I'm not a doctor,Copy !req
349. but I have spoken to loads of 'em
over the last few months,Copy !req
350. and they all reckon it's not ideal
to be a fat, lazy, self-pitying lump.Copy !req
351. If you put the dishes
straight in the dishwasher,Copy !req
352. it don't build up.Copy !req
353. And change the salt every now and then.Copy !req
354. The salt's in the garage.Copy !req
355. The garage is that massive thing
on the side of the 'ouse.Copy !req
356. Oh, fuck's sake.Copy !req
357. You all right, yeah?
I was worried about you.Copy !req
358. Also, you should be at work,
but you know I'll let that slide.Copy !req
359. Come to the pub.
Me and Len are going for lunch.Copy !req
360. No, I've had lunch.Copy !req
361. Come on.Copy !req
362. - We used to go to the pub all the time.
- No!Copy !req
363. Someone will make me angry,
and that's the day ruined.Copy !req
364. Yeah, I'll take that chance, Bruce Banner.Copy !req
365. It'll do you good.Copy !req
366. Come on, please.
All journalists go to the pub for lunch.Copy !req
367. We're not journalists.Copy !req
368. We are journalists.
We work for a newspaper.Copy !req
369. Yeah, and that newspaper
is used to line cat litter traysCopy !req
370. by old ladies, once a week.Copy !req
371. And they read it before they do that.Copy !req
372. - We're not journalists.
- We are.Copy !req
373. - We're journalists.
- No, we're not.Copy !req
374. - Yes, we are.
- Not.Copy !req
375. - Stop saying that. We are.
- Not.Copy !req
376. - Fuckin' hell!Copy !req
377. Can you hear that?Copy !req
378. Fuckin' fat cunt
eating like a fuckin' slug.Copy !req
379. - Doing my fuckin' head in.
- All right.Copy !req
380. Why don't you throw yourself
into your work?Copy !req
381. - I can't concentrate with that—Copy !req
382. They're crisps. They're crunchy.Copy !req
383. But why does he have to do all that
"mm mmm"?Copy !req
384. Well, this is fun.Copy !req
385. Told you.Copy !req
386. You told me? Great.Copy !req
387. Always someone who spoils it, ain't there?Copy !req
388. And do you think that might be you
on this occasion?Copy !req
389. - No.Copy !req
390. - Look, just ignore him, okay.Copy !req
391. As I was saying, why don't you
throw yourself into your work?Copy !req
392. It's what depressed people do.Copy !req
393. Sometimes.Copy !req
394. It's hard for me to throw myself
into my work, when my workCopy !req
395. is often talking to a plumber
on the estateCopy !req
396. who's grown a potato
that looks like Lionel Richie.Copy !req
397. That made the front cover.Copy !req
398. It did look like him, though.
Actually, this is a good time.Copy !req
399. We've got some exciting leads
at the moment.Copy !req
400. - Leads?
- Yeah.Copy !req
401. Like we're Woodward and Bernstein?Copy !req
402. - They are leads.
- Go on. What leads?Copy !req
403. - What "leads" do we have?
- All right.Copy !req
404. A woman called us,
when she drags her dustbinCopy !req
405. it sounds like Chewbacca.Copy !req
406. - No.
- No? All right.Copy !req
407. Woman on Blagden Road woke up Chinese.Copy !req
408. And she wasn't before.Copy !req
409. No, I get the angle.Copy !req
410. Man who got sent
the same birthday card five times.Copy !req
411. - Really?
- Really?Copy !req
412. - Yeah.
- Right, let's get to the bottom of thatCopy !req
413. ASAP.Copy !req
414. Well, yes. Why don't you?
'Cause that is your job.Copy !req
415. - I know.
- Yeah.Copy !req
416. Ring the doorbell.Copy !req
417. You disgusting—Copy !req
418. I didn't wanna do it
in his house.Copy !req
419. Go to the doctor.
You've got bowel cancer.Copy !req
420. - Hello.
- Don't come out. This fat cunt'sCopy !req
421. - shat himself.
- Are you from the paper?Copy !req
422. Yeah. Leave him there for a while.Copy !req
423. You fuckin' pig.Copy !req
424. When I got the first one,
I thought,Copy !req
425. "That's a nice card."Copy !req
426. And then I got the second, and I thought,
"Oh, that's funny. Two the same!"Copy !req
427. But then when I got the third,Copy !req
428. I thought,
"Well, what are the chances of that?"Copy !req
429. Astronomical.Copy !req
430. And then the fourth...Copy !req
431. Wow!Copy !req
432. Wow.Copy !req
433. But then, five... I mean,Copy !req
434. I bet that's never 'appened before.Copy !req
435. Not on record anyway.Copy !req
436. - Are you taking notes?
- Yeah, all in there.Copy !req
437. Is this going to be
in next week's newspaper?Copy !req
438. Yeah, we'll rush this through.Copy !req
439. Quite a scoop.Copy !req
440. My Denise would be tickled by this.Copy !req
441. It's my wife.Copy !req
442. She passed away last year.Copy !req
443. Light of my life.Copy !req
444. Anything that happens,Copy !req
445. I go to tell her.Copy !req
446. Then I remember.Copy !req
447. Nothing's as good if you don't share it.Copy !req
448. Still have my downs,Copy !req
449. but then life throws you these
interesting little things, doesn't it?Copy !req
450. You can't feel sorry for yourself.Copy !req
451. Got to keep going.Copy !req
452. Happy birthday.Copy !req
453. Oh. Thanks.Copy !req
454. Fuck's sake.Copy !req
455. Excuse me. Where's the dog food?Copy !req
456. It's by the cat food.Copy !req
457. Right, well...Copy !req
458. I've got another question then.Copy !req
459. Where's the cat food?Copy !req
460. Tinned products, aisle two.Copy !req
461. Cheers. Don't get up.Copy !req
462. Okay.Copy !req
463. - That everything?
- Yeah.Copy !req
464. - Oh.Copy !req
465. All right, mate. You got any money?Copy !req
466. - Yeah.
- What?Copy !req
467. Yes, I've got money.Copy !req
468. Give it to me then.Copy !req
469. Why?Copy !req
470. 'Cause I'll fuckin' kill you if you don't.Copy !req
471. Does that usually work, does it?Copy !req
472. To most people,Copy !req
473. the threat of death
is worse than giving you money,Copy !req
474. but...Copy !req
475. Or they're worried
you'll hurt their family or...Copy !req
476. I haven't got any family.Copy !req
477. I'm not gonna go into it,
but I don't care about anything anymore.Copy !req
478. I'm not giving you any money.Copy !req
479. Are you mental?Copy !req
480. No, I'm just tired of doing things
I don't wanna do,Copy !req
481. and we always have a choice.Copy !req
482. And if I've read this right,Copy !req
483. my choiceCopy !req
484. is either violenceCopy !req
485. or hand over my money peacefullyCopy !req
486. to two useless little cunts.Copy !req
487. - Are you mad?
- No.Copy !req
488. - Fuck off! Okay?Copy !req
489. Just fuck off.Copy !req
490. There you go.Copy !req
491. It's no one's fault
what's happened.Copy !req
492. Don't go blaming the world.Copy !req
493. You know how grumpy you get
when things don't go your way.Copy !req
494. But you've got such a good heart.Copy !req
495. You're born like it.
You can't contrive it. You're just decent.Copy !req
496. I knew it, first time I met you.Copy !req
497. Hit me like a bolt of lightning.Copy !req
498. And I've loved you ever since.Copy !req
499. You fat twat!Copy !req
500. Oh, it's Sunday, you cuuunt!Copy !req
501. You're not a real vicar,
I can tell.Copy !req
502. Oh, Tony!Copy !req
503. Ah!Copy !req
504. Oh my God!Copy !req
505. - What?
- Why'd you do this to me?Copy !req
506. It's good for you.
It gets your heart going.Copy !req
507. - It gets your metabolism up.
- No! You—Copy !req