1. Hmm. Let's see what else
the cards say.Copy !req
2. This card means
you're a man.Copy !req
3. Okay.Copy !req
4. No, I'm kidding.Copy !req
5. It means you're nice.Copy !req
6. I'm learning truth
about myself.Copy !req
7. Hey, Dad, what if
I called you "Papa"?Copy !req
8. "I love the sea,
Papa!"Copy !req
9. How are your card fingers
feeling?Copy !req
10. That's a weird thing
to say, Papa.Copy !req
11. Have you seen cards
like... this?Copy !req
12. What?Copy !req
13. No! Not today!Copy !req
14. No Card Wars!Copy !req
15. She sunk like a stone!Copy !req
16. Ah, there's no time
to go back!Copy !req
17. The tourney starts
in an hour!Copy !req
18. BMO is always fine.Copy !req
19. I don't understand.Copy !req
20. Card Wars... the great
and venerable game of old.Copy !req
21. It is the king and queen
of tabletop games.Copy !req
22. It combines the mechanics
of simulated combat,Copy !req
23. hand management,Copy !req
24. commodity speculation,Copy !req
25. worker placement,Copy !req
26. blind auctioning,Copy !req
27. and set collection.Copy !req
28. Battle happens
in one of four combat lanes,Copy !req
29. each deriving its power from one
of the 16 themed elements...Copy !req
30. Corn, wheat, blue, crystals,Copy !req
31. acumen, torpor, frozen lakes,
lizard holes, learning...Copy !req
32. That's too many rules.Copy !req
33. I don't do cards
to follow rules.Copy !req
34. But you could be
so good!Copy !req
35. Daddy's pro-tege!Copy !req
36. Of course I'd be good at it,
but I'm not into it.Copy !req
37. Look, I lost track
of how old I am.Copy !req
38. Maybe I'm almost 40.
I don't know.Copy !req
39. I at least need
to unpack my last decadeCopy !req
40. before embarking
on my next decade.Copy !req
41. I've got to win
and be dignified.Copy !req
42. 20s are for regretting,
30s are for being dignified,Copy !req
43. and 40s are older
than I ever want to be.Copy !req
44. Hmm.Copy !req
45. O... kay.Copy !req
46. You give me
one of your...Copy !req
47. bones...Copy !req
48. and I'll play
one of your games.Copy !req
49. I activate the Barrel.Copy !req
50. I floop the Cooper.Copy !req
51. Mmmwah! Mmmwah!Copy !req
52. Cute!Copy !req
53. Welcome, Charlie, to the 59th
Card Wars Doubles Classic!Copy !req
54. That's Todd and Jennings
signing in.Copy !req
55. And over there,
Benton and Mike R.Copy !req
56. Luke and Captain Majesty.Copy !req
57. Mr. Outrageous
and Mr. International.Copy !req
58. Who's that, Papa?Copy !req
59. That's... uh...
the reigning champs.Copy !req
60. Jake?Copy !req
61. Grand Prix.Copy !req
62. Man, I thought
you swore off tourney play...Copy !req
63. Like,
angrily swore it off.Copy !req
64. Oh. Uh, pardon.Copy !req
65. Hello, Jake.Copy !req
66. Is that you,
Moniker?Copy !req
67. How are you?Copy !req
68. - We've been just grea...
- Her?Copy !req
69. Oh, this is my daughter/
Card Wars partner, Charlie!Copy !req
70. 'Sup?Copy !req
71. That's fantastic, Jake.Copy !req
72. You always wanted kids.Copy !req
73. Well, she's a chip
off the old block, I'll bet.Copy !req
74. Us, we're running the local
after-school C.W. program...Copy !req
75. Just like where you and me
first met.Copy !req
76. Most days, we're busy running
the screen-printing shop,Copy !req
77. but, uh, we still make time
for the tourney...Copy !req
78. just for fun, you know.Copy !req
79. Yes! We're all here
to have fun!Copy !req
80. Well,
got to sign in.Copy !req
81. Come, Charlie!Copy !req
82. Nice meeting you.Copy !req
83. That's your ex, huh?Copy !req
84. - What?
- Nothing.Copy !req
85. You've definitely got
a type.Copy !req
86. Round 1!Copy !req
87. Jake and Charlie...
A.K.A. Team Dignified...Copy !req
88. Versus Reggie
and Pete the punk.Copy !req
89. - Ohhhh!
- Blah, blah, blah!Copy !req
90. Commence Card Wars!Copy !req
91. I floop the Hay Barn,
and I attack with Feed Man!Copy !req
92. A solid move
from the veteran Jake.Copy !req
93. I cast Bean Ball Bomba.Copy !req
94. Bean Ball!Copy !req
95. Bean Ball?Copy !req
96. Feed Man's power source
is gone!Copy !req
97. No, no, no!Copy !req
98. No... big deal.Copy !req
99. Your turn, sweetie.Copy !req
100. Okay.Copy !req
101. I'll play...Copy !req
102. this one.Copy !req
103. "Floop."Copy !req
104. Granary Weevil...
On your first draw?Copy !req
105. Unprecedented.Copy !req
106. And combined
with a downed Feed Man,Copy !req
107. that means...Copy !req
108. He's right...
It's Infinite Haymaker!Copy !req
109. That's game!Copy !req
110. A stunning move
from the newcomer Charlie.Copy !req
111. She's a real pro-tege.Copy !req
112. We win!Copy !req
113. Whoo!Copy !req
114. Yeah, I'm out.Copy !req
115. What?Copy !req
116. One bone, one game.Copy !req
117. But I'm not done
burying my 20s.Copy !req
118. Do you want more bones?
Is that it?Copy !req
119. Nah.
I only need one.Copy !req
120. Catch ya on the flip,
Papa.Copy !req
121. Round 2 starts in five minutes.Copy !req
122. Still dignified.Copy !req
123. Psst.Copy !req
124. Lost your partner,
huh?Copy !req
125. Hey, don't worry...
We won't tattle.Copy !req
126. I will crush you,
Grand Prix.Copy !req
127. I'm ho-o-me!Copy !req
128. Hey, you two been kissing?Copy !req
129. What-what?Copy !req
130. Me hungy.Copy !req
131. Gomp!Copy !req
132. All y'all keep quiet!
Charlie's flexin'!Copy !req
133. Let's see.Copy !req
134. Finally, I've got
the hair of the motherCopy !req
135. and a bone of the father.Copy !req
136. Time to do a rare turbo-boosted
personal reading.Copy !req
137. Self-care mega-blow.Copy !req
138. It's the semi-final round,Copy !req
139. and Mr. Outrageous has Jake
on the ropes.Copy !req
140. I can still play my Ultra Dog
and force a draw.Copy !req
141. And while technically
a legal move,Copy !req
142. it's considered
a low-class maneuverCopy !req
143. this late in the tourney.Copy !req
144. Jake.Copy !req
145. Do it!Copy !req
146. I play... Ultra Dog!Copy !req
147. A shocking move!Copy !req
148. Ultra Dog attacks the
Tilled Field with "Cold Nose"!Copy !req
149. Which means... cat's game!Copy !req
150. But by tourney rules,Copy !req
151. the slight point lead gives
the win to Team Dignified!Copy !req
152. They advance to the finals
versus Grand Prix and Moniker.Copy !req
153. Just a garbage, garbage win.Copy !req
154. What am I doing?Copy !req
155. All right.
The deck is ripe.Copy !req
156. Let's see what the cards say.Copy !req
157. Dad!
Why are you here?Copy !req
158. This one's about me!Copy !req
159. That's too much sandwich!
You got to chew!Copy !req
160. Gah!Copy !req
161. Is this my 20s?Copy !req
162. Dad was right.Copy !req
163. I've got to fix
these "faults of youth."Copy !req
164. My 30s?Copy !req
165. I look lost.Copy !req
166. My 40s.Copy !req
167. I'm afraid.Copy !req
168. Also,
I'm naming you "Gibbon."Copy !req
169. My 50s.Copy !req
170. Midlife crisis.Copy !req
171. Good luck, Gibbon!Copy !req
172. My 60s.Copy !req
173. I'm unfamiliar
with my changing body.Copy !req
174. My 70s.Copy !req
175. I begin
to lose people around me.Copy !req
176. My 80s.Copy !req
177. I'm afraid again.Copy !req
178. My 90s.Copy !req
179. I'm content and wise!Copy !req
180. Yeah!Copy !req
181. Wrinkles!Copy !req
182. Oh, no!Copy !req
183. I've been a total wand
to my dad!Copy !req
184. I've got to go help him!Copy !req
185. Come on, Jakey.
Pull it together.Copy !req
186. Blah! Win!
Win at all costs!Copy !req
187. No! I bury you!Copy !req
188. Feel your 20s!Copy !req
189. No, no, no!Copy !req
190. Be cool.Copy !req
191. Mom?Copy !req
192. No, Papa.
It's your 90-year-old daughter.Copy !req
193. You flake!Copy !req
194. Be content.Copy !req
195. Whoa!Copy !req
196. Whoo! Whoo!Copy !req
197. Whoop! Whoop!
Whoop! Whoop!Copy !req
198. Ka-pow!Copy !req
199. - Whoop!
- Yeah!Copy !req
200. - Whoop!
- What-what?Copy !req
201. Dignified!Copy !req
202. Yeah!Copy !req
203. Winners... Grand Prix
and Moniker Des Louise.Copy !req
204. Good game,
Grand Prix, Moniker.Copy !req
205. Okay.Copy !req
206. This party is so crazy!Copy !req