1. Donkin' princess!Copy !req
2. Okay, okay.Copy !req
3. How about I give you a big
cowboy hat?Copy !req
4. Then will you let
the hostages go?Copy !req
5. No! No!Copy !req
6. Don't play games with me,
Princess!Copy !req
7. I want that crown!
No crown, no hostages!Copy !req
8. Well, obviously,
that's going to be a problemCopy !req
9. because I'm the princess,
and I need my crown.Copy !req
10. So...Copy !req
11. No, Princess!
You are problem —Copy !req
12. The problem princess!Copy !req
13. Just give me that crown!Copy !req
14. Why does he want your crown,
anyway, Princess?Copy !req
15. Yeah. What's his beef?Copy !req
16. I don't know, guys.
He's crazy.Copy !req
17. He's left me no choice.Copy !req
18. I'm sending in the banana guards.Copy !req
19. It's about to turn
crazy-nasty.Copy !req
20. Hello.
Captain Banana Guard?Copy !req
21. Wait a second, Princess.Copy !req
22. Why don't me and Finn just
sneak in there incognitoCopy !req
23. and neutralize the threat
old-fashioned spy-guy style?Copy !req
24. Hmm...Copy !req
25. Okay, but if you guys aren't
out of there by 4:00,Copy !req
26. I'm sending in the guards.Copy !req
27. Okay. I was thinking I could
dress up like a mailman!Copy !req
28. Yeah! Yeah!
And I could wear all black!Copy !req
29. And I could be like,
you know,Copy !req
30. like... your shadow!Copy !req
31. Hmm... I can't really
see that working.Copy !req
32. Yeah, the shadow thing
might be pushing it.Copy !req
33. Oh, no, no, no.
That part's fine.Copy !req
34. I was talking about you
dressing up like a mailman.Copy !req
35. What?Copy !req
36. But I always wanted to be a mailman!Copy !req
37. Nah, you don't
look like a mailman.Copy !req
38. You look like a milk/nan.Copy !req
39. Let's get you a proper
milkman outfit.Copy !req
40. Hmm... You ready?Copy !req
41. Yeah! Let's bust it!Copy !req
42. Hello!Copy !req
43. Hello?
Who the heck are you?Copy !req
44. I'm gonna smash your face!Copy !req
45. Uh, milkman, sir.Copy !req
46. I brought the milk...
for the hostages, sir.Copy !req
47. Huh? Oh.Copy !req
48. I thought maybe you were
a spy guy or something.Copy !req
49. Go ahead.
Give everyone some milk,Copy !req
50. then get the math outta here!Copy !req
51. Yes, sir.Copy !req
52. - Milk, sir?
- Thanks.Copy !req
53. - Milk?
- Thanks.Copy !req
54. - Milk?
- Thank you.Copy !req
55. Some milk?Copy !req
56. Psst! Get ready, Jake.Copy !req
57. When we get to the cookie,Copy !req
58. you throw some milk in his faceCopy !req
59. and yell,
"Alvin's Hot Juice Box.Copy !req
60. Alvin's Hot Juice Box."Copy !req
61. He'll be really confused.Copy !req
62. And that's when we grab him
and tie him up style.Copy !req
63. Come in, Cookie. This is Chipper. Over.Copy !req
64. Go ahead, Chipper. Over.Copy !req
65. I'm too short to lock the backdoor. Over.Copy !req
66. Hold tight, Chipper.
Chipler's on his way.Copy !req
67. - You got that, Chipler?
- Affirmative.Copy !req
68. Did you hear that?Copy !req
69. Yeah. Change of plans.Copy !req
70. I'll go take care of those chips.Copy !req
71. You keep the cookie distracted.Copy !req
72. Yeah, I can do that.Copy !req
73. Okay, awesome.Copy !req
74. Milk? Milk?Copy !req
75. Milk?Copy !req
76. Some milk?Copy !req
77. What?
Oh. Look.Copy !req
78. You should probably split, buddy.Copy !req
79. Things are about to get pretty
flipped-out in here.Copy !req
80. Oh. Sure.
Sorry, man.Copy !req
81. I was just trying
to get away from thatCopy !req
82. rotten Princess Bubblegum
for a while, you know?Copy !req
83. Isn't she just the worst?Copy !req
84. Wait, you hate
Princess Bubblegum, too'?Copy !req
85. Get outta here!Copy !req
86. Oh, yeah, man!
She's the worst —Copy !req
87. sitting out there all safe and cozyCopy !req
88. while I'm risking my life
tootin' around in hereCopy !req
89. in a stupid milkman costume.Copy !req
90. Wait, costume?Copy !req
91. Oh. Um...Copy !req
92. I just mean it feels like
a costume.Copy !req
93. 'Cause I wanted to be
a mailman so bad, you see?Copy !req
94. But the princess made me be
a milkman, anyway.Copy !req
95. Boy, I hear you, brother.Copy !req
96. Cookie? You there? Over.Copy !req
97. Yeah.
Go ahead, Chipolina. Over.Copy !req
98. I just saw a light go on in the stock room.Copy !req
99. Probably nothing.
I'll check it out. Over.Copy !req
100. Okay. Over.Copy !req
101. Hmm...Copy !req
102. Looks like a false alarm, Cookie.Copy !req
103. It's just some kid's
Baby Snuggleghost night-light.Copy !req
104. Hes-yangCopy !req
105. Alvin's Hot Juice Box!
Alvin's Hot Juice...Copy !req
106. So, what's your story, man?Copy !req
107. How'd she doodie on you?Copy !req
108. I was just a kid, man —
just a little kidCopy !req
109. when I got doodied on.Copy !req
110. I was the new guy
at the candy orphanage.Copy !req
111. They called me Baby Snaps.Copy !req
112. I tried to make friends
with the other kids.Copy !req
113. Come on, guys!
Let's dance it up!Copy !req
114. They were always
too depressed to play.Copy !req
115. No, no.
We're too depressed.Copy !req
116. Things went on like that for a while,Copy !req
117. then one day...Copy !req
118. She showed up.Copy !req
119. Everything was different.Copy !req
120. a thunderous cheer,
as Baby Whoozlefut...Copy !req
121. Everything was — was
better with her around.Copy !req
122. And something inside me changed
that day, too.Copy !req
123. And then later, she told me
I could be anything I wanted.Copy !req
124. Anything your sweet heart desires!Copy !req
125. I told her I wanted
to be a princess like her,Copy !req
126. so I could make
all the children happy.Copy !req
127. I want to be a princess, like you!Copy !req
128. And she laughed in my face, man!Copy !req
129. It really messed me up.Copy !req
130. Holy schmow, man!
That's terrible!Copy !req
131. That's really terrible.Copy !req
132. Listen, I —Copy !req
133. She lied to me!Copy !req
134. Yeah, but maybe she didn't realizeCopy !req
135. how much it meant to you.Copy !req
136. No, she just wants to hog all
the princessin' for herself!Copy !req
137. All chips, report in!Copy !req
138. It's time to get real!
Over.Copy !req
139. Chips? Chips?
Over.Copy !req
140. Chips?
Where are my chips?Copy !req
141. Chipolina! Chipler!
Chipton! Chipper?Copy !req
142. Is anyone there?
Chipface?Copy !req
143. Something happened to my chips!Copy !req
144. Aaaah!Copy !req
145. I'm about to flip out, man...Copy !req
146. and take that crown!
- Whoa, whoa. Wait.Copy !req
147. It doesn't have to be like this!Copy !req
148. You don't need that crown!Copy !req
149. You can start over, man.Copy !req
150. You can start a new kingdom —
your own kingdom,Copy !req
151. where everyone can be
whatever they want to be.Copy !req
152. I can be the mailman, and you —Copy !req
153. you can be the princess.Copy !req
154. - My own kingdom?
- Yeah, man.Copy !req
155. I... I'd like that.Copy !req
156. Okay, then.
Just sit tight, Princess.Copy !req
157. I'll get us out of here.Copy !req
158. Hey! Hey!Copy !req
159. I'm coming out!Copy !req
160. What?Copy !req
161. Jake!Copy !req
162. Jake, what's going on?
Where's Finn?Copy !req
163. Where are the hostages?Copy !req
164. Don't worry, Princess.
It's okay now.Copy !req
165. Princess Cookie's gonna go away.Copy !req
166. You just got to give him
a horse to escape with,Copy !req
167. and he'll go.Copy !req
168. Right.Copy !req
169. And then you and Finn
hunt him downCopy !req
170. and put him in the dungeon.Copy !req
171. No, wait. He said
he'd go away forever.Copy !req
172. Can't we just let him go?Copy !req
173. No. That cookie is a menace.Copy !req
174. Once the hostages are safe,
Cookie goes in my dungeon...Copy !req
175. in my dungeon for his life.Copy !req
176. Oh, boy!Copy !req
177. Would you look at that!Copy !req
178. Dang!Copy !req
179. Okay, well, she's all yours.Copy !req
180. Hot diggity!Copy !req
181. Ah-ah-ah. Man, that horse
ain't no good.Copy !req
182. That's a trap horse!
- What are we gonna do?Copy !req
183. It's okay, man.
I'm Jake.Copy !req
184. J-J-J-Jingo-Jango!Copy !req
185. Whoa! Ha-ha!
You're magic!Copy !req
186. Yeah!Copy !req
187. Yee-hoo!Copy !req
188. After them!Copy !req
189. We're really doing it!Copy !req
190. Jake! What are you doing?
What happened to the plan?Copy !req
191. New plan. I'm gonna
help Princess Cookie escape.Copy !req
192. What?
But — but he's a criminal.Copy !req
193. No, man.
Princess Cookie's a good guy.Copy !req
194. He just got dealt a bad hand.Copy !req
195. He's only trying to be whatCopy !req
196. following how his dreams
make you want to be, man.Copy !req
197. Whaaaat?Copy !req
198. You're either with us
or against us.Copy !req
199. Um...
against?Copy !req
200. Aah! Ohh!Copy !req
201. Hold on tight, Cookie!Copy !req
202. I'm gonna jump the gorge!Copy !req
203. No, Jake.
Stop the horse.Copy !req
204. I can make it!Copy !req
205. Ohh! Aah!Copy !req
206. Princess Cookie!Copy !req
207. Are you all right?Copy !req
208. I'm done for, Jake.Copy !req
209. No!
Everythings gonna be fine!Copy !req
210. I won't let them
put you in the dungeon!Copy !req
211. Just let me talk to them!Copy !req
212. No, Jake.Copy !req
213. Thank you for your help, but
it's too late for me.Copy !req
214. I'll never be a princess.Copy !req
215. At least for a moment,Copy !req
216. you helped me feel like a princess.Copy !req
217. It was wonderful.Copy !req
218. Thank you, Jake.Copy !req
219. Careful, Princess!Copy !req
220. You know what —
it's funny,Copy !req
221. but you sort of remind me
of a mailman I used to know.Copy !req
222. I do?Copy !req
223. Yep.Copy !req
224. Princess!Copy !req
225. I glubbed up!Copy !req
226. Knight to E5.Copy !req
227. Where's Baby Snaps?Copy !req
228. Excuse me, your highness?Copy !req
229. Jake!Copy !req
230. Oh, hey.
Check it out.Copy !req
231. Special delivery
from the Grass Kingdom.Copy !req
232. He's a princess?Copy !req
233. - I had no idea.
- Royalty!Copy !req
234. Ahh!Copy !req
235. Aaah!Copy !req
236. Hey, Jake.
What's wrong?Copy !req
237. You look dumpy.
How come?Copy !req
238. I-Is it because
of that metal box?Copy !req
239. Is something sad inside?Copy !req
240. No. It's nothing.Copy !req
241. There's lots of boxes
that have nothing in them.Copy !req
242. But also, you could put
something in the box.Copy !req
243. And then it won't be empty!Copy !req
244. Does that make you feel better?Copy !req
245. You're a charmer,
Finn human.Copy !req
246. No.
It's... well...Copy !req
247. Lady Rainicorn doesn't want to playCopy !req
248. the game Card Wars with me.Copy !req
249. I always beat her.Copy !req
250. So she says, "no more
card warring."Copy !req
251. What's Card Wars?Copy !req
252. It's a fantasy card gameCopy !req
253. that's super-complicated and awesome,Copy !req
254. but, well...
oh, it's kinda stupid.Copy !req
255. Never mind.Copy !req
256. How come you never
talked about it before?Copy !req
257. It sounds cool.
- Really?Copy !req
258. Well, I thought you'd say
it was for nerdsCopy !req
259. who do not know how life isCopy !req
260. outside of the nerd universe.Copy !req
261. I-it is, man.Copy !req
262. But I still totally
want to play it.Copy !req
263. So no more moping, okay?Copy !req
264. Thanks, Finn.Copy !req
265. Oh, hey, Beemo.
You want to play, too'?Copy !req
266. No! I do not play
such games... with Jake!Copy !req
267. - What's that mean?
Ah, whatever.Copy !req
268. Let's play the game!Copy !req
269. So, what kind of stakes
do we play for?Copy !req
270. How about the loser...Copy !req
271. is a dweeb,Copy !req
272. and the winner is a cool guy?Copy !req
273. Those are good stakes.Copy !req
274. Coffee grounds, beetle butter,Copy !req
275. grape jelly, kimchi,Copy !req
276. aaand this stuff.Copy !req
277. Hey! You're ruining that pop
with weird taste!Copy !req
278. We drink when the game is over.Copy !req
279. Oh, gross.Copy !req
280. Now, let me explain the rules.Copy !req
281. That's basically the basics.Copy !req
282. So once we have
our kingdom setup...Copy !req
283. it's time to start to play...Copy !req
284. for the gloryyyy!Copy !req
285. Huh?Copy !req
286. Hey, were you asleep?Copy !req
287. I'll have to explain it
all over again!Copy !req
288. Doesn't matter.
Let's just play.Copy !req
289. But if you don't know the rules,Copy !req
290. then you're gonna lose
in the first couple rounds,Copy !req
291. like Lady always does.Copy !req
292. And then you'll hate the game.
And then you'll hate max'Copy !req
293. And then, and then —Copy !req
294. Pfft!
You think you're gonna win?Copy !req
295. I'm gonna crush you —
party-dance style, dweeb!Copy !req
296. Bring it!Copy !req
297. So, how do I get
my land on the map'?Copy !req
298. Oh.Copy !req
299. You, uh, floop your land cards.Copy !req
300. Uh...Copy !req
301. Keep those honeys hidden,Copy !req
302. or I'll get a strategic advantage!Copy !req
303. Oh!
Hmm...Copy !req
304. Okay, I go first.Copy !req
305. I floop the Silo of Truth!Copy !req
306. Hey!Copy !req
307. Pfft!
You got really lame cards.Copy !req
308. Hmm...Copy !req
309. I'll take the Cerebral Blood
Storm, though.Copy !req
310. Huh?Copy !req
311. Okay, now it's the battle phase.Copy !req
312. I'm attacking your schoolhouse
with my Husker Knights.Copy !req
313. And, I'm casting Cerebral Blood Storm.Copy !req
314. So, what do you use to defend?Copy !req
315. Uh...
can my Cool DogCopy !req
316. and Ancient Scholar
defeat your Husker Knights?Copy !req
317. Of course not!Copy !req
318. Hmm.
Then I floop the pig...Copy !req
319. What?Copy !req
320. - What?
- Okay, okay.Copy !req
321. First of all, you don't floop
a creature to make it fight.Copy !req
322. You activate a creature.Copy !req
323. Hmm. No!Copy !req
324. It says I can
floop the pig. See?Copy !req
325. No!Copy !req
326. He's eating all my cornfields!Copy !req
327. My Husker Knights
draw energy from corn!Copy !req
328. And since I'm not
actually attacking,Copy !req
329. your Cerebral Blood Storm
only does damageCopy !req
330. to your own kingdom's troops.Copy !req
331. You just wiped out
my entire attack!Copy !req
332. What do you expect if all your
power units come from corn?Copy !req
333. Pigs eat corn, dude.
Cornfields stink.Copy !req
334. Cornfields are awesome!Copy !req
335. What makes you think you know
so much about Card Wars?Copy !req
336. - It's just logic.
- Your turn.Copy !req
337. Hmm...Copy !req
338. You're supposed
to discard a cardCopy !req
339. and pick up a new one first.Copy !req
340. Oh, right.Copy !req
341. Look at you.
You're a babe in the woods.Copy !req
342. Your beginner's luck
ends this round!Copy !req
343. Hmm.Copy !req
344. Spirit Tower!
And the Cave of Solitude?Copy !req
345. Now my battle phase
begins.Copy !req
346. I activate my ancient scholar
to begin studying.Copy !req
347. And I also move my pig
to the Cave of SolitudeCopy !req
348. so he can take a nap.Copy !req
349. That's it?
You're not attacking?Copy !req
350. I'll attack on a different turn.Copy !req
351. Ha!
Then the seas have alignedCopy !req
352. and the five winds
waft the smell of victoryCopy !req
353. to my palace doors!Copy !req
354. I cast
"Field of Nightmares"Copy !req
355. and activate my legion of ear-lingsCopy !req
356. to scare your pig to death!Copy !req
357. My pig's in the Cave of Solitude.Copy !req
358. Um...
I cast "Teleport"Copy !req
359. to move your
pig to the empty fieldCopy !req
360. so I can attack him!Copy !req
361. Uh... wouldn't "Teleport"
only workCopy !req
362. on your own creatures?
- You're right.Copy !req
363. I'm gonna slay that pig, though.Copy !req
364. How? You don't have any
creatures that can touch him.Copy !req
365. Ugh!Copy !req
366. Face it, man.
I'm the cool guy.Copy !req
367. Hmm...Copy !req
368. You're the cool guy, huh?Copy !req
369. Well, let me make it a little
hot for you, then.Copy !req
370. I floop the volcano.Copy !req
371. What?Copy !req
372. That'll destroy your kingdom,
too, won't it'?Copy !req
373. Hmph! Maybe
Oh!Copy !req
374. Aah!Copy !req
375. My Pig!Copy !req
376. Aah!Copy !req
377. The pig is dead.Copy !req
378. Now I reconstitute my cornfieldsCopy !req
379. using the "Reclaim Landscape" spell.Copy !req
380. My Husker Knights, revive!Copy !req
381. And I still have
my battle phase.Copy !req
382. Hiding in the useless swamp,
the Immortal Maize Walker!Copy !req
383. I love corn!Copy !req
384. Ah!Copy !req
385. Cornfields give the immortal
maize walker triple damage.Copy !req
386. Uh...Copy !req
387. I told you cornfields
are awesome!Copy !req
388. Your Ancient Scholar
and Cool DogCopy !req
389. won't survive this time.Copy !req
390. Actually, my Ancient
Scholar's been studyingCopy !req
391. the "Raise the Dead" ability.Copy !req
392. - So what?
- So...Copy !req
393. My Ancient Scholar
raises the dead.Copy !req
394. I floop the pig.Copy !req
395. No-o-o-o-o-o!Copy !req
396. Look.
My towefls doing a thing.Copy !req
397. Hominy-hominy-hominy!Copy !req
398. You ganked
my Spirit Walker!Copy !req
399. Ah!Copy !req
400. Uh, maybe we should
take a break?Copy !req
401. Your turn.Copy !req
402. Huh?Copy !req
403. You Play!Copy !req
404. You Play!Copy !req
405. Oh, zang.Copy !req
406. I do not play such games...Copy !req
407. with Jake.Copy !req
408. Sorry! I gotta
use the boy style room.Copy !req
409. Beemo! Beemo!Copy !req
410. Beemo chop!Copy !req
411. If this were a real attack,
you'd be dead.Copy !req
412. Beemo! Jake's acting
boonoonoonoos!Copy !req
413. Oh, no! Are you winning
the game of Card Wars?Copy !req
414. - Yeah!
- That's terrible!Copy !req
415. If Jake loses that game,
he gets super depressed!Copy !req
416. When I beat him, he wouldn't
talk to me for a month!Copy !req
417. What?Copy !req
418. I only played
so he wouldn't be bummed!Copy !req
419. Finn, you must take a dive.Copy !req
420. Okay, I'll try.Copy !req
421. But I'm a Card Wars
super Amadeus.Copy !req
422. Whoop!Copy !req
423. Play... the... game.Copy !req
424. Grob. Better make this look good.Copy !req
425. All right, Jake.
Prepare for my ultimo-attack!Copy !req
426. Well, I've still got
my Wandering Bald Man.Copy !req
427. Oh, no.Copy !req
428. I need to get rid of my pigCopy !req
429. so Jake can reconstitute
his cornfields.Copy !req
430. I activate the pigCopy !req
431. to attack your Wandering Bald Man.Copy !req
432. That's stupid.Copy !req
433. Just attack
with Immortal Maize WalkerCopy !req
434. and get the game over with!Copy !req
435. No way!Copy !req
436. You've underestimated me
and my pig all day.Copy !req
437. Please lose. Please lose.Copy !req
438. No-o-o-o!Copy !req
439. Oh-ho!
Oh! Oh, yeah!Copy !req
440. Pigs can't leave mud landscapes
once they're on them!Copy !req
441. Ha ha ha!
The pig is mine!Copy !req
442. First, I'll play Reclaim Landscape.Copy !req
443. Then I cast "Summon Archer Dan."Copy !req
444. Whoa, math...Copy !req
445. M'boys!Copy !req
446. You have no creatures left.Copy !req
447. That's the game, boy!Copy !req
448. The five winds blow through
cornfields once againCopy !req
449. for the glory of Jakoria!Copy !req
450. Heh. You got me.Copy !req
451. In your face!Copy !req
452. It's time to drink up!Copy !req
453. It looks like
you are the dweebCopy !req
454. and Mn the cool guy.Copy !req
455. Is it too gross for you, man?Copy !req
456. No, no.Copy !req
457. I got to take what's coming to me.Copy !req
458. Hey, it's not that bad!
I like it!Copy !req
459. - What?
- You want a taste?Copy !req
460. Ah, it's gross!Copy !req
461. In your face, dweeb!Copy !req