Abbott Elementary 1x5

1. Gooooood morning, Mrs. Howard.

2. I mean "good morning." I know you told me

3. not to elongate my vowels before we're in school.

4. - Good morning, Janine. - Good morning. So —

5. - Ms. Howard? - Yes?

6. Ms. Howard! It is you! Yo!

7. I would have thought you would have retired by now!

8. Yo, I just dropped off my nephew and —

9. Yo, you was always my favorite teacher,

10. and I never got a chance to thank you

11. for everything you did for me back in kindergarten.

12. Aw, sweetheart, you don't have to thank me for that.

13. You did this.

14. Of course I need to thank you!

15. Before I was in your class, everyone would have been like,

16. "Oh, he's gon' be the one that needs to be secured."

17. But thanks to you, I'm out here securing.

18. Well, I am very proud of you.

19. By the way, how is your mother?

20. Well, that's complicated, but it's gon' mean so much

21. to my moms that Ms. Howard asked after her.

22. Well, sweetheart, it was so good to see you,

23. and have a great rest of your day.

24. - You, too, Ms. Howard. - All right.

25. - You too. - Bye.

26. Bye.

27. See, Mrs. Howard? That is why we do this.

28. Mold those young minds.

29. Just create new lives, make those connections. That —

30. Sweetheart, I have no idea who that young man was.

31. Morning.

32. Well, it looks like a classic Schemmenti good mood day.

33. You know it! I got my favorite parking spot,

34. my macchiato is on point,

35. and my neighbor finally found her cat,

36. so no more hearing her cry through the walls.

37. Jacob, are you ready?

38. I am not just ready,

39. - I am set and go. - Yes.

40. Ready for what? What's going on?

41. We have this little tradition where we read

42. our Grades for Teachers reviews out loud

43. when a new one comes in.

44. Mine are always just incredibly flattering.

45. There's a Yelp for teachers?

46. Yeah. Do you want me to help you set up a page?

47. Because as it says here,

48. I am excellent at explaining complicated ideas.

49. Oh, no, thanks. That just sounds bad.

50. Hmm.

51. Oh — Oh, dang. Found a new one.

52. - Okay, okay. - Mm-hmm.

53. What's wrong?

54. Uh, it's — it's nothing.

55. I just got a C-minus review,

56. which will bring down my overall average

57. and tarnish my reputation forever.

58. You know? It's like — It's no big deal, though.

59. Well, if traditions were always easy,

60. everyone would have them.

61. Everyone does.

62. "Nice but lacks experience

63. compared to the other second-grade teacher at Abbott."

64. Hey! That's me. The other second-grade teacher at Abbott.

65. This isn't that bad. One of my reviews was so rude,

66. the superintendent had to come check on me at home.

67. Yeah, well, that's you, though. I don't get bad reviews.

68. You just did.

69. Girl, please, stop.

70. You're gonna make me spit my coffee out.

71. Okay, look, ignore this. Reviews on a poorly designed website

72. do not determine what kind of teacher you are.

73. Yeah, no. No, I just can't believe

74. the entire world can read that I'm a bad teacher.

75. Hey, kid, listen. There's nothing wrong

76. with having some room for improvement.

77. Just take it from me...

78. the other, better, more experienced teacher at Abbott.

79. Melissa plays a lot. She jokes.

80. You know? She's good at it.

81. Just another thing she's better at than me,

82. according to the reviews.

83. She's a regular Lucille Ball.

84. Oh, hey, man. Can you tell me where I can find the mailboxes?

85. - Oh, I'll show you. - No, you can just tell me.

86. No, no, it's good. It's fine. We can walk together.

87. Ooh, speaking of mail, can we talk USPS?

88. Have you heard of informed delivery?

89. What up, ol' curly head Arthur from PBS looking boy?

90. And good morning to you, Raheem.

91. You let them talk to you like that?

92. Well, correct me if I'm wrong, but the boys and I are bonding

93. in the tradition of playing the dozens.

94. It's also called roasting.

95. Also called, uh, blazing, frying.

96. Hmm. Lot of cooking terminology.

97. Look, man. I'm from Baltimore, okay?

98. All I know is when somebody roasts you,

99. you got to roast them back.

100. Our teachers used to roast us.

101. If they didn't, we wouldn't have respected them.

102. You're just getting clowned.

103. Of course I'm being clowned, okay?

104. I don't know how to roast.

105. It's not that hard.

106. You just kind of have to take what people give you, like...

107. you ol' mothball- sweater-vest-looking boy.

108. Hmm. Simple yet cutting.

109. - Mm-hmm. - Okay. Thank you.

110. I thought you had to bring way more to the table.

111. In the Dean Martin celebrity roasts —

112. Where are the mailboxes?

113. Oh. Yeah. Come on.

114. All right. Attendance time.

115. So, raise your hand if you're not here.

116. All right. So Nicole's not here.

117. Janine, come to my office.

118. - Ooh! - Ooh!

119. All right, everybody, uh, settle down.

120. Okay, everyone's who's not here, please be good, all right?

121. I'll be right back.

122. Mm-hmm. She'll be right back.

123. Can she see me?

124. Hey, girl.

125. Hey, Ava.

126. You know I can't just leave my classroom

127. unattended like this, right?

128. It's five minutes. It's not like something

129. could go wrong in five minutes.

130. A lot can go wrong, actually.

131. If you say so. Anyway, one of Melissa's students

132. will be transferring into your class.

133. Really? Why?

134. Girl, I don't know. Things happen all day.

135. Maybe she wants to be closer to the bathroom.

136. Maybe she like you more.

137. Maybe she got some kind of Meek Mill-Drake feud

138. going on with one of her classmates. I don't know.

139. Maybe she likes me better.

140. If you really want to know, you should read her file.

141. I have them arranged by sexiest dad.

142. Her name is Courtney Pierce, and her daddy is "foine."

143. No, that's okay.

144. I don't really like to read the file.

145. I like to get to know the child

146. so I don't have any preconceived notions.

147. That's an adorable spin on choosing to be unprepared.

148. I wonder how Melissa's doing.

149. Hope she's not taking this too hard.

150. Find out right now.

151. Melissa, Janine is on her way.

152. You do know that that's coming out of all the speakers,

153. not just a specific classroom, right?

154. I said you're on your way.

155. Looking like Ron Weasley if he was a pick-up artist.

156. This man look like he dream in podcasts.

157. Well, look at you...

158. ol' blue shirt...

159. tan pants wearing guy.

160. With your bright white shoes

161. and the laces all tied up into a little bow?

162. Yeah. No way those are accidentally falling off.

163. Mr. Vampire Weekend, that really hurt my feelings.

164. Oh, God.

165. Raheem, I am — I am so sorry.

166. You should be.

167. With that Twilight-shaped mouth!

168. Ha ha! Got 'im!

169. That's what we're all wearing. It's a uniform.

170. You ain't even observant, dawg.

171. They say the first year of teaching is the hardest.

172. But...

173. What about the second year?

174. - Minus $1 equals — - Hey, Melissa. Hey.

175. - What? - Uh, sorry.

176. I know you talked to Ava, so this is awkward.

177. W-Why would it be awkward?

178. Oh, just the whole your student preferring me thing.

179. Oh, yeah, no. Not awkward at all. Just...

180. there's a couple things that you should know about Courtney

181. before you take her into your class.

182. I know you're more experienced than I am,

183. but this transfer kind of proves

184. I've got something special in my classroom

185. that's got the kids a-talkin'.

186. Courtney, come over here, hon.

187. It's time for you to go with

188. your very confident new teacher, Ms. Teagues.

189. Why don't you go get your stuff?

190. I'm like the Allen Iverson of teachers,

191. and you're like that guy he stepped over once.

192. You mean three-time NBA champion Tyronn Lue?

193. - That guy? - Yes, you know basketball,

194. but my point is, maybe I'm not a bad teacher.

195. Maybe you are.

196. Okay.

197. Courtney...

198. I want you to go and be your wonderful self

199. with Ms. Teagues, okay?

200. I have no doubt that you're gonna have

201. a great time in her class.

202. All right.

203. Have fun.

204. All right.

205. Oh, look at you all, being so well-behaved.

206. Setting a great example for our new student.

207. Hi. I'm Janine.

208. - Hi, Janine! - Hi, Janine!

209. Uh, no. She's not Janine. Her name is —

210. My name is Janine Teagues.

211. - Hi, Janine Teagues! - Hi, Janine Teagues!

212. It's not Janine.

213. Yes, it is.

214. Courtney?

215. One of the toughest students I've ever had.

216. She's gonna eat Janine alive.

217. Okay, everyone, please stand for the Pledge of Allegiance.

218. Except for Andrew, who is taking a principled stand

219. against nationalism.

220. Yes. All right.

221. Everyone else? I...

222. I pledge allegiance to the flag

223. of the United States of Courtney.

224. And to the Courtney for which it stands,

225. one nation under Courtney, indivisible,

226. with Courtney and Courtney for all!

227. That's right! Nice job.

228. That's right. Nice job.

229. Courtney, go back to your seat.

230. But I'm done with all my work.

231. Go.

232. Your next word is "smooth." Go, go, go.

233. Done!

234. - "Rebble"? - It's "ra-bell."

235. Courtney?

236. Courtney, please stop.

237. Courtney.

238. Just —

239. Hey. Hi. Can I help you?

240. Yeah, I just stopped by to see how Courtney's doing.

241. Oh, yeah, Courtney is thriving.

242. Whole class is, actually.

243. She was the missing piece to our little puzzle of learning.

244. Oh. That's great to hear.

245. I'm surprised you're not having any problems.

246. Took me a couple of months to figure out how to keep her

247. from disrupting the class.

248. Look at you doing it in a couple of hours.

249. I guess you really are

250. the superior teacher.

251. I'm teaching a lesson on gravity.

252. Here's a little secret.

253. Courtney didn't get transferred out of my class

254. 'cause I couldn't handle her.

255. She got her parents to transfer her

256. because I'd already caught on to all her little tricks.

257. Most of them.

258. Nobody could have seen that macaroni thing coming.

259. So I said, "I'm not giving you a ride.

260. I'm 'bout to drop you off at the airport of life."

261. Oh, I know that's right.

262. Hey, ladies. Sorry to interrupt.

263. Uh, you mentioned earlier

264. that there was a file on Courtney Pierce?

265. Yeah. Thicker than a Snicker. Heavy like a Chevy.

266. - Ooh. - Okay.

267. Are you having issues with Courtney?

268. Ah, I wouldn't say —

269. She need help. Look at her.

270. With that "I need help" face.

271. Okay, this is not an "I need help" face.

272. It is an "I have it under control" face

273. and arm and leg and —

274. And that is good, because I cannot help you.

275. You see, Ava and I have placed a modest wager

276. on your success with the whole Courtney situation,

277. and I will not affect the outcome.

278. Wait. Hold on. You bet on me?

279. - Well, yeah. - You guys are using

280. my performance as a teacher for entertainment?

281. - Mm-hmm. - Mm.

282. Okay. That's it. You know what? I'm taking everybody's money.

283. Janine, you do know

284. that that is not how bets work, right?

285. Ava, I'm gonna need to see that file.

286. Okay. You don't have to say it all determined.

287. Nobody's stopping you from seeing the file.

288. I offered it to you yesterday. Just go in the office and look.

289. Okay.

290. Hey. How's it going?

291. It's — Yeah.

292. "Psychological warfare"?

293. "Could make a good cult leader someday.

294. Melissa Schemmenti."

295. Well, I found Courtney's file, and it is substantial.

296. Cannot believe Melissa didn't tell me any of this.

297. But now that I'm informed, I can handle it.

298. I'm just gonna have to communicate to Courtney

299. that this behavior isn't okay.

300. I bet no one's ever really tried to talk to her, you know?

301. Meet her where she's at.

302. Juice?

303. Apple juice? Really?

304. Okay. Um...

305. Courtney, did you know the emotional center

306. isn't actually in the heart but in the brain?

307. - Pass. - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

308. Okay. Sit down. Hold on. All right.

309. You're a leader, Courtney, and maybe that's something

310. your other teachers didn't see about you, but I do.

311. I know that when you tie your classmates' shoelaces together

312. and tell them to dance,

313. you're just looking for affirmation.

314. And, Courtney, I will affirm you.

315. We will sit down together, maybe do a puzzle —

316. I bet you love puzzles as much as I do —

317. and just work through some of those feelings together.

318. Okay.

319. I mean...

320. So I reached out to her. You know? Sat her down.

321. Because at the end of the day,

322. teaching is just about communicating,

323. and that's something I live by.

324. I don't want to compare, but, like...

325. Barbara, have you ever been roasted by your students?

326. One, they're 5.

327. Two, they respect me.

328. Three, what would they even say?

329. Mm.

330. Hey. I need to talk. Like to a friend.

331. You know how sometimes when you're being chased by a dog

332. and you can't tell if it's playing

333. or if it's trying to bite you?

334. - No. - But at the same time,

335. you don't want to stop running,

336. because if it isn't playing, you're gonna get bit?

337. Look, I tried roasting my students back,

338. and it didn't work.

339. It got way worse and oddly specific.

340. Come on. It couldn't have been that bad.

341. They called me "HuffPo-reading gay Pete Buttigieg,"

342. which is repetitive and insulting.

343. As if I would read a word of Huffington Post

344. after Arianna stepped down.

345. You may just have to take the I on this one, man.

346. I mean, you can't really beat them at their own game.

347. It's like them challenging you to...

348. Dungeons & Dragons.

349. You can't really challenge someone to D&D.

350. It's more like a cooperative game that's all about

351. the shared experience rather than winning.

352. Thank you, you ol' good friendship having man.

353. Is everything okay?

354. Oh, you tell me.

355. You got a little sleepyhead over there.

356. Do you want to know what I do

357. when a kid falls asleep in my class?

358. - Sure. - Nothing.

359. 'Cause it doesn't happen.

360. I keep my kids engaged.

361. Anyway, do you have a second

362. for me to show you something regarding Courtney?

363. All right, my little eagles.

364. We're gonna take quiet time a bit early, okay?

365. Yes, Ms. Schemmenti.

366. I know you didn't pull me out of class

367. just so you could brag.

368. No, of course not.

369. Courtney's teaching us a new word.

370. Courtney!

371. Look away, y'all.

372. All right, guys, we're gonna go into

373. Ms. Schemmenti's class for a little bit

374. while Mr. Johnson cleans the board

375. because Courtney decided to use permanent marker

376. even though dry-erase was right there.

377. But she knew that. She knew that.

378. I heard there's a bet going.

379. Is it too late for me to get in on the action?

380. I went from having one teacher to two.

381. Ain't that some

382. - Courtney! - Courtney!

383. You know, I'm glad she's in your class now

384. so you two can throw your little tantrums together.

385. I'm sorry. Was it not a tantrum

386. when you sent Courtney to my class

387. without warning me about her behavioral issues?

388. Yes, I saw your notes in her file.

389. I did try to warn you, ya gabbadost,

390. but you got too big for your britches

391. and you didn't want to listen.

392. Well, maybe if you hadn't been making fun of me yesterday,

393. I wouldn't have gotten defensive.

394. Janine, I was goofing.

395. Unlike when you called me a bad teacher,

396. something I would never call you.

397. You know, I-I know that review hit you hard,

398. but I didn't deserve that.

399. Okay.

400. I'm sorry. You're right. You're right.

401. That review really, really hurt my feelings,

402. and I took it out on you.

403. It wasn't even that bad.

404. It just said you were less experienced.

405. Listen, if you go look at the Facebook reviews

406. of my cousin Rocco's hoagie shop, you would think

407. the man sold food poisoning.

408. But he's gonna keep making hoagies.

409. You know why? Most people love them.

410. You got to keep making hoagies.

411. Now, what are we gonna do about this one?

412. Thank you for your business.

413. Ol' I should have been a hooper,

414. but basketball didn't exist lookin' boy.

415. 1800s Slenderman in the face.

416. Okay, while these are hilarious,

417. let's try and incorporate some of the lessons into the roast.

418. Ol' bullet in the head at Ford's Theatre lookin' boy.

419. My mans got ain't been sleeping four score and seven years ago

420. bags all up under his eyes.

421. Abe Lincoln. I'm Abe Lincoln, Mr. Hill.

422. Yes, yes! Good work, team!

423. Yeah, I guess, like, thumbs up is kind of our thing now.

424. Bye. Don't forget your homework.

425. - Ms. Schemmenti. - Yes?

426. Courtney called me stupid.

427. No, I didn't. I called you "stupendous," you idiot!

428. - Courtney! - You know what?

429. I'm just gonna go home and take a nap,

430. 'cause I'm utterly depleted.

431. What'd she say?

432. One thing I will say —

433. that girl has a fairly advanced vocabulary.

434. She corrected my math last week.

435. She threw a stapler first,

436. but she was right about the math.

437. You know, when I was going through Part 2

438. of Courtney's file earlier,

439. I realized her grades have never dropped.

440. - Mnh-mnh. - And usually when a kid

441. is acting out like that, you see it in their performance.

442. Yeah. That's what makes it tough.

443. Hard to discipline a kid who's getting straight A's.

444. All right.

445. So, what if we rewarded her?

446. You might be onto something there, rookie.

447. Okay, so if B makes it block,

448. then C makes it what?

449. Uh, not quite. Try again.

450. There you go. Good job.

451. Wow. You think you know someone.

452. And then they cheat on you with their thumb.

453. Ol' Siskel & Ebert two thumbs up lookin' ass boy.

454. Okay.

455. You want to bump the Puzzles kid up a grade?

456. Yes. After talking to Melissa

457. about how she was able to keep Courtney in line,

458. we realized the only thing that works

459. is when she feels challenged.

460. Are you sure you're not just trying

461. to dump Courtney on another teacher?

462. No, no, no. I feel that with a more challenging workload,

463. Courtney will be much, much easier to handle,

464. and she won't have time to distract her classmates.

465. Mm-hmm.

466. Why does that sound so familiar?

467. Oh. Hold up.

468. Part 3?

469. My bad, y'all. She was supposed to skip second grade,

470. but they told me during Essence Fest.

471. I missed a lot of paperwork during that month.

472. Isn't Essence Fest just a weekend?

473. Maybe for y'all.

474. Oh, hey, Barbara! Nothing to see here.

475. Just Janine going on and on about what a handful Courtney is

476. and how she can't handle the situation at all.

477. Is that so?

478. Fine.

479. I guess technically Janine succeeded.

480. She figured out that Courtney needs to be bumped up a grade.

481. Guess you win the bet.

482. Hmm.

483. Barbara?

484. You believed in me?

485. Janine, why don't you go handle this transfer

486. so that your class isn't any more disrupted

487. than it already has been?

488. Okay.

489. Mm.

490. It's a heart.

491. I learned that from Courtney.

492. I thought Barbara bet against me, but she didn't.

493. She actually thinks I'm a great teacher.

494. Maybe even better than —

495. Courtney! Hey, Courtney! What, get —

496. How'd you get back in the building? Courtney!

497. It's barely wet. What you, the CDC?

498. I will expect some non-brassiere money from you by tomorrow

499. because, Ava...

500. Huh?

501. You do not want to owe me money.

502. Hmm.

503. Ohh. Damn!

504. Mm.

505. What?

506. Captions by VITAC —