Abbott Elementary 1x4

1. Okay, let's move on to "ard." Ard.

2. Right, which means "all right."

3. So, the kids here use a lot of Philadelphia slang,

4. or as we call it, "Philly slang."

5. So I like to incorporate it as sight words,

6. which are words that kids recognize

7. without sounding them out.

8. For instance, "boul" means "boy,"

9. so I'd say like,

10. "Ooh, I have a crush on boul."

11. Or, Boul Meets World is my favorite show.

12. "Cheesesteak." Cheesesteak.

13. And let's go to "boul."

14. Boul.

15. Right. Sometimes it's spelled B-U-L, which is interesting.

16. What is going on in this classroom?

17. Hey, Mrs. Howard.

18. I'm just teaching the kids some sight words.

19. It's a helpful teaching tool, because these kids use these —

20. Jawns. - ... jawns all the time.

21. You're abandoning the phonics principle

22. that these children need.

23. This is a classroom, not a hoagie stand.

24. Oh, boom. Hoagie.

25. Hoagie.

26. We had it on the board, so...

27. Hm.

28. Okay, kids.

29. Let us move on to "oldhead," one word.

30. Oldhead.

31. Young bouls are so disrespectful.

32. Mm.

33. They said that — Oh, they do. Look.

34. Excuse me. Excuse me.

35. What it do, Abbott teaching crew?

36. Damn, the last time I was up this early

37. was to cuss out the mailman.

38. I don't need all them bills coming.

39. Uh, I thought breakfast was being provided.

40. Don't act like you don't see these little boxes of cereal

41. right here.

42. So, listen up.

43. Your favorite HBIC, AKA me,

44. has acquired some new learning technology

45. that will help our little ones with their reading.

46. Well, the school district mandated it.

47. It's a city-wide push.

48. What are you doing here?

49. This isn't for 6th through 8th grade teachers.

50. I'm just here for the camaraderie,

51. and this tasty breakfast.

52. You guys, I have been reading up on this,

53. and our students are gonna get a huge boost

54. from this software.

55. I mean, our kids are gonna be reading

56. at the speed of light.

57. Well, I, for one, prefer the tried and true methods

58. over whatever the latest doohickey is.

59. I mean, I have yet to see the program

60. that can do what I do by, you know, teaching.

61. Well, old-school teaching is great,

62. but the latest doohickey can be a helpful addition.

63. Yeah, tech has its place.

64. Like when you haven't been with a man for a few years.

65. Um, are subs gonna have to do this?

66. I thought I'd mainly be showing Pixar movies.

67. You guys, all I'm saying is, we should keep an open mind.

68. There was a great website called AtoZOneTwoThree

69. that taught me how to read when I was a kid.

70. My parents certainly weren't around to do it.

71. I had to potty-train myself.

72. Overshare.

73. Well, I do not need some young Zuckerburn —

74. Zuckerberg.

75. Pimple-faced kid fresh from the Smart Bar —

76. - Genius Bar. - ... telling me how to teach!

77. Good morning.

78. You're the tech teacher?

79. Sure am.

80. Can't keep us old folks down, right?

81. All right, what I'm providing you with today

82. will revolutionize your classrooms.

83. It not only helps in teaching students how to read,

84. it delivers up-to-the-minute data on their progress

85. that will be analyzed at the end of each day.

86. And the better the results, the more funding we get,

87. - so this is good, y'all. - Mm-hmm.

88. Each of you will get one of these.

89. New tablets!

90. Yeah!

91. Okay, who do you got to bang to get into the analytics annex?

92. It's really very easy.

93. Just use the highlight tool

94. to pinpoint the pronunciation mistakes,

95. create a word cloud, output a ranks list,

96. see the percentage of your students that missed that word,

97. and that'll determine whether it becomes a "TAI,"

98. or "Targeted Area for Improvement."

99. - Easy-peasy, keep it breezy! - Oh.

100. Hey. How's it going, Barb?

101. - Oh. Easy-peasy. - Mm-hmm.

102. Yeah, sure.

103. I am so excited that Barbara is so confused,

104. because it means I get to help her with something.

105. I need her help every day,

106. so if I can return the favor just once,

107. it means I'm no longer a newbie —

108. I'm her peer.

109. Gregory. Broseph. Brotato.

110. Yeah, I'm still, uh — still finding that.

111. What's up, man? I'm just looking for some creamer.

112. Listen, you're the new guy here.

113. I've been here a month.

114. I am the second-year vet. I figured I would, you know,

115. show you a few things around here.

116. No, I'm just, uh, looking for —

117. So, we've got Ms. Cooper over there.

118. I've been here a year and a half.

119. She's been pregnant the whole time.

120. I don't ask questions.

121. I'll even take powdered creamer.

122. That's Mrs. Robertson.

123. Watch out, she will talk your ear off.

124. And, uh, oh, you know Melissa, of course.

125. She's, uh — you know, the Southern Philly type.

126. 'Scuse me?

127. You talking about me?

128. Yeah, uh — I was —

129. I was saying you are a, uh —

130. a — a Southern Philly Type.

131. - South Philly. - Right. Right.

132. That's what I said. Right.

133. Honestly, it's like — it's like the best part

134. of our beautiful city.

135. I love how you guys will just, like, park anywhere.

136. Yeah, okay.

137. You know, I'm actually teaching a lesson right now

138. about the unions in the city

139. and how many of them started in South Philly.

140. Oh, no way.

141. I know some guys that were part of that.

142. I'm glad you're teaching that to the kids.

143. Good job.

144. Just like I said...

145. she is a shady lady. Mm.

146. That's why you and me, we got to stick together, man.

147. You know? Like coffee and creamer.

148. All right, in.

149. Ugh. Teach the children to read with this?

150. I can hardly read this.

151. Now, who took that picture of me?

152. Barbara.

153. Oh, sorry.

154. Hey, how's it going with the new program?

155. Oh, it's, uh, a little hard to understand,

156. but I'm getting the hang of it.

157. Okay, yeah.

158. Just wanted to check in in case this was tricky for you.

159. You know, I grew up with this stuff

160. - and it gets me sometimes. - Okay.

161. I somehow lost my crypto wallet.

162. But you come from a different generation,

163. and so it would be totally understandable

164. if you were having trouble with it.

165. Are you kidding me?

166. I'm Miss Tech, you know. I love tech.

167. Shop at the App Store. Got a Hotmail.

168. I once even rode in a Tesla.

169. I'm already ahead on the first couple of lessons.

170. - Wow. - Yeah.

171. Well, that's great. Can I see?

172. - No. - Oh.

173. Janine, you're disturbing my students.

174. I'm — I'm whispering.

175. It's just your...

176. overall presence,

177. so if you wouldn't mind just excusing yourself?

178. I'm a little behind on my Hotmail correspondences.

179. Okay.

180. Barbara says she's doing well, but this program is really hard.

181. She just has a ton of pride,

182. so I'm gonna wait for her to come and ask me for help.

183. Oh, I can't wait.

184. And that is how union and non-union workers

185. came together and worked as one

186. to help solve the labor crisis in South Philly, okay?

187. All right, we are going to have to

188. grab a noun from the Noun Pool —

189. I don't get this.

190. Sweetheart, neither do I.

191. Okay, so here's what I'm going to do.

192. I'm going to continue teaching my students how to read

193. like I have been for 30 years.

194. I'll input whatever information I need to into that program,

195. and then I'll just keep doing what I have been doing,

196. and everybody else will just have to back off.

197. Hey, Hill.

198. That lesson, that was garbage.

199. - That's not what happened. - Okay, well,

200. I've read several books on the subject.

201. I think I know the history of the lesson.

202. Well, me and my family lived it, so I think we know the history.

203. I've also listened to several podcasts.

204. Look, how about this?

205. I know a guy who was actually a captain back in the day.

206. How about I hook you up, he can come to the class

207. and do like an eyewitness account for the kids?

208. Unexpected, but I am so happy

209. Melissa's bringing in a police captain.

210. He's gonna be able to talk to the kids

211. about how this is done peacefully.

212. I'm just really happy Vinny, the strike captain,

213. is out of jail so he can do this.

214. It's also gonna count towards his community service.

215. Just 100 more hours, and his record's cleared.

216. Good morning.

217. Come on down.

218. You ready for a good day?

219. That's what I'm talking about.

220. Morning, Abbott Elementarians!

221. It turns out one of our teachers is just too good!

222. According to our new reading program,

223. Mrs. Howard's kindergartners are reading

224. - at a 4th grade level! - No.

225. Mrs. Howard, you are, once again, that girl.

226. Barbara?

227. No. No. No. Okay. Thank you.

228. No. Okay, that's enough.

229. When I say "Mrs.," you say "Howard."

230. Mrs... Howard!

231. - Mrs... - Howard!

232. - Mrs... - Howard!

233. Hey, Barbara.

234. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry.

235. You clearly knew what you were doing,

236. and I arrogantly assumed — or hoped, rather —

237. that you would need my help, but once again, I need yours.

238. You are officially Yoda with better edges.

239. Okay, which one of you Young Sheldons

240. is gonna get me to Mars

241. witcha little smart reading selves?

242. There's actually no need for all of this.

243. I'm just doing my job.

244. But don't forget, it was your girl

245. that brought in that dope program.

246. Oh, my God. Look at me, not even taking credit

247. for something I had so much to do with.

248. Barbara, you know what? Since so many of us need help,

249. what if you put on, like, a little presentation

250. for the rest of us?

251. You're thinking too small, Janine.

252. We should have an assembly and have

253. one of Barbara's students read to the whole school.

254. Show these little illiterate fools how to literate.

255. Yes! Not the second part. Yes!

256. Okay.

257. We can have Khalil read.

258. No, not Khalil.

259. Everybody knows that little dork can read.

260. I was thinking him. Whoo-hoo!

261. 5 years old, reading at a 4th grade level?

262. You performed a damn miracle on that boy.

263. That was a pretty tough time for me —

264. Hey. He's here. He's on his way in.

265. Oh. Oh. That's fantastic, Melissa.

266. Okay, let me, um, set him up for the —

267. Uh, students.

268. We are about to hear from a heroic, upstanding

269. citizen of this city, okay, who helped to peacefully end

270. one of —

271. Kids, meet Vinny Romano.

272. Call me The Tire Iron.

273. Uh, hello, Mr. Iron.

274. Um, is there anything else we could call you?

275. Nope.

276. Okay, come on now. Here we go.

277. I don't think Will is ready to read just yet,

278. but I have read from this book so many times,

279. he practically has it memorized.

280. I'm sure he'll have no problem.

281. - "Jack... and... Jill..." - Yes.

282. - "... went up the..." - The.

283. Okay, Will, it's your name with an "H."

284. Hilliam!

285. No.

286. Barbara, can I borrow some gold stars?

287. I gave all mine out this morning.

288. My kids are amazing. Uh, I'll even take red.

289. Oh, sure.

290. Thank you.

291. Oh, well, if it isn't Abbott's brightest little reader.

292. Are you excited to show the school your skills?

293. Yeah?

294. - Here you go. - Hmm.

295. - Is he okay? - Oh, he's fine.

296. This child has just gained entry

297. into the magical world of books,

298. so please, Janine, allow him time to celebrate.

299. Okay. Yeah.

300. Good morning, kids.

301. Good morning to you all, as well.

302. Subbing here has been...

303. fine.

304. I haven't even gotten past teaching the kids my name,

305. let alone that confusing reading program.

306. I'm hoping once they learn those things,

307. then we can just start watching movies.

308. - Hey, Gregory. - Hey.

309. Hi.

310. Um, how are you settling in?

311. - It's going well. - Yeah?

312. I'm figuring out where everything is,

313. - who everyone is. - Yeah. Well, I'm Janine.

314. That I know.

315. Hmm...

316. Uh, my gosh. How are you doing

317. with this new reading program?

318. Oh. I'm not gonna lie.

319. It's got me even more confused

320. than I already was teaching here.

321. I cannot get past a single lesson without an error message.

322. - It's really annoying. - Why don't we get together

323. - after school... - Mm-hmm.

324. and we can figure it out?

325. Um, I would love that.

326. You kidding me?

327. Oh, my God, but, shoot. My boyfriend

328. is picking me up after school today.

329. - Oh. - You know what?

330. You can come hang with us.

331. I mean, we're just going to IKEA.

332. You can help us pick out a bed.

333. Oh, okay. Yeah, um...

334. Oh, God. Um...

335. I actually have somebody picking me up after school.

336. - Oh. - She's a girl...

337. - Oh. - She's a woman, I mean.

338. Like, it's a car full of women and...

339. What?

340. Nothing.

341. Oh. Okay, well, see you later. I'll see you around school.

342. Yeah, yeah. All right, you, too.

343. Hey, enjoy the bed.

344. - Oh, we will. - Ha!

345. Uh, I was just kidding. But see you later!

346. - Uh-huh. - Bye.

347. So hundreds of us come piling off this bus, right?

348. And the punk firefighters,

349. they didn't even show their pretty little faces, you know?

350. And the pigs, they were mad 'cause we were throwing rocks.

351. It's like, hey, just relax.

352. They're just freakin' rocks, you know?

353. So, anyway, we tell that, uh, lousy, stinkin'...

354. He's great, right?

355. Why did you bring him here?

356. - Uh, didn't we agree to this? - I thought you were bringing

357. a police captain.

358. Someone to talk about how the union worked together in peace?

359. That's not the real story. This is the truth.

360. He's giving them an eyewitness account to history.

361. Eyewitness? I think the term is "accomplice."

362. This is the problem I have with people like you.

363. You want to romanticize this city,

364. but you won't acknowledge the truth.

365. Like, you want to run up the Rocky steps,

366. but you can't take a punch in the face.

367. I can take a punch in the face.

368. What — What — What are you saying?

369. I'm some kind of, like, hipster poseur?

370. Look, I care, okay? I am here, teaching, every day.

371. No, I'm saying you can't teach the kids right

372. if you don't respect where they're from.

373. It's about respect.

374. Me and the rest of the class are going on strike

375. until there are no more pop quizzes.

376. Lights.

377. We are here to celebrate Barbara's genius kindergartners.

378. This is a tremendous opportunity for this school.

379. Before we begin, I would like to detail all the ways

380. that I personally made this happen.

381. It all started when I was watching Coach Carter

382. for the 17th time. Now... Jack fell down

383. and broke his crown, and Jill came tumbling after.

384. Perfect!

385. Now, when we get up on stage,

386. you're gonna do it just like that, okay?

387. No. And no dancing.

388. But that's what I do, Ms. Howard!

389. Hey, Mrs. Howard.

390. Hey, after the assembly,

391. do you think you can come help me with the program?

392. My kids are struggling,

393. and I know I ask you for help all the time,

394. but what can I say?

395. You're the best.

396. - Janine — - Sometimes I wonder

397. if I put you on too high a pedestal,

398. but then I think it's not high enough.

399. I say, "Janine, she's just a person like you —"

400. Anyway... - You know what?

401. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. You make —

402. I'm sorry.

403. You make me want to be a better teacher.

404. Okay.

405. I'm starting to forget the words.

406. Oh, gotta go!

407. Like, look at this guy get a whole movie about him.

408. I've done more for this school in one year

409. than he did for the whole movie, so I —

410. Okay, thank you. Oh, I guess it's time to go.

411. That kid's a reading fool.

412. Good afternoon, Abbott.

413. My student, William, will be reading Jack and Jill.

414. Oh! Change of plans.

415. My copy of Michelle Obama's book just came in,

416. and since Will reads at a 4th grade level,

417. - that shouldn't be a problem. - Oh, no. I really think

418. that Will would prefer to read —

419. Don't nobody want to hear about pails and water and whatnot.

420. We want to hear what "Michelle O" got to say.

421. I hope there's a section in there

422. about her meet cute with my man, Barry Hussein.

423. All right.

424. Okay. Here goes.

425. Okay, that's enough.

426. Everybody, um, my student, Will,

427. is a wonderful student and dancer,

428. but he cannot read this book just yet.

429. The truth is, I was actually able to log into the program,

430. but, um, I was just pushing buttons.

431. I did not mean to say

432. that they could read at a 4th grade level.

433. I know how to teach these kids how to read.

434. I just can't use that program.

435. So I lied.

436. I can't believe Barbara lied to me.

437. Normally, I encourage cheating, but, girl,

438. you gots to let me know.

439. Barbara. Who would have thought?

440. Hey, Barbara. Another great Abbott Elementary assembly.

441. Um...

442. Why wouldn't you let me help you?

443. I was handling it the best way I could.

444. By lying instead of letting me help you?

445. That is not what this is about.

446. Then what is it about? Because I don't get it.

447. I am good at this job, and I know how to do it well,

448. but admitting that I couldn't figure this program out,

449. it was like I was saying, "I am getting too old."

450. And you don't know what that feels like —

451. all these new people and this new tech.

452. It just made me feel like

453. I was being pushed out to sea.

454. Okay, well, if you're being pushed out,

455. then I'm being pushed out, too, because it's hard for me.

456. It's hard for all of us, even the kids,

457. and they come out of the womb selling NFTs.

458. See? I don't even know what that is.

459. So I guess I'm just an oldface.

460. - Oldhead. - And that, too.

461. I don't know what NFT means, either.

462. Hm.

463. What if we figured out this stuff together?

464. I'd like that.

465. Okay.

466. Are we having a moment right now?

467. Are those jelly beans on your belt?

468. I wanted to teach Barbara something so bad

469. that I never considered what she might be going through.

470. But we did have a little bonding moment back there.

471. I ruined it, but it happened.

472. You got that, right?

473. Hey.

474. I brought you some lasagna as a peace offering.

475. You know, I don't just eat Italian,

476. or am I a stereotype to you?

477. Oh, my God, no. Of course not. I'll — I'll throw it out.

478. Hey, hey. What am I, an idiot? Give it to me.

479. - Oh! - Um.

480. Melissa, I...

481. I made some dumb assumptions about you, about South Philly.

482. I was condescending. Basically, I was a jerk.

483. I wish my ex-husband could ever admit that much.

484. Well, I'm really sorry.

485. Listen, you're trying to sanitize this place

486. and its history — it doesn't need it.

487. This is who we are, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

488. Tire Iron, of course, representing the ugly.

489. Well, I wouldn't say that... to his face.

490. Hey, I know you mean well, hon.

491. You want the best for your kids.

492. Just next time, have a more open mind, that's all.

493. I will. And — And thank you.

494. My students got a lot out of what Vinny had to say.

495. - Oh, good. - They collectively bargained,

496. and they all have pensions now.

497. Solid.

498. - But... - There you go!

499. - Yes! - Yes!

500. It can be daunting when a new technology is introduced

501. and it's changing the way you do things,

502. but this is the future.

503. - I got in. - I've mastered it.

504. Girrrrllls...

505. and Young Idris.

506. Turns out the software we've been using

507. was invented by the Pennsylvania Penal System

508. to collect data for prisons.

509. Prisons?

510. Something about the correlation

511. between lower reading levels

512. and the amount of prison beds they're supposed to build?

513. Oh, my God.

514. Apparently, it's illegal.

515. I am just as disgusted as you all are.

516. Disgraceful.

517. You're gonna sell those, aren't you?

518. And what would you rather I do, Melissa?

519. That's a shame. I really liked that feature

520. where I could teach a whole class on just one letter.

521. You know what?

522. I think I might know something we can use instead.

523. - It's pretty simple. And then... - Very.

524. the fun thing about this is...

525. "At 54, I'm still in progress,

526. and I hope I always will be."

527. - Did he just — - Oh, my God.

528. - You — You just read! - You just read!

529. He just read!

530. - You're a baby genius! - Yes!

531. - Wow. - Ooh, yes!

532. Oh, my goodness!

533. Yes, yes!

534. "Failure is a feeling

535. long before it becomes an actual result."

536. Mm. I know that's right.

537. Can I have a break?

538. No, keep reading. It's just getting good.

539. Mnh-mnh-mnh.

540. Absolutely not. Let's go.

541. - Come on, Barbara! - Come on.

542. You owe me an Audible membership!

543. Captioned by VITAC —