Abbott Elementary 1x3

1. Pencils, erasers, left-handed scissors —

2. Oh, you got some southpaws in your class.

3. You know, there's actually

4. - a lot of data — - Jacob.

5. Please. I'm just trying to inventory my needs.

6. So, it's wishlist week here at Abbott Elementary.

7. The city doesn't always give us

8. the funding we need for our supplies.

9. I know I keep saying that, but it keeps being true.

10. It's not like we have nothing.

11. We, uh, clip old pictures out of magazines

12. from the barbershop down the street.

13. Uh, the whole wishlist thing makes it very easy

14. for the community to help.

15. - Hello. - Hi.

16. I heard about

17. your needs over here, so I would like

18. to donate this to the school.

19. Oh, um, thank you, but we actually put specific items

20. on our online wishlist, which you can find —

21. I don't know what that is. Here.

22. Top of the line. Enjoy.

23. Okay. Um, you know what?

24. It's actually very nice, now that I look at it.

25. Yeah. I love it.

26. Sometimes you need to unplug it, then plug it back in.

27. Couldn't find the cord.

28. Okay.

29. It also smokes.

30. Okay.

31. - The trash? - Yeah.

32. Hi, y'all. My name is Miss Kerman.

33. I'm a third grade teacher here at Marshall Elementary

34. in Louisville, Kentucky, and here are some of the things

35. we need for our classroom.

36. So I didn't get a lot from our wishlist last year,

37. but this year is gonna be different,

38. because I'm gonna make a video.

39. Crayons and staplers... Hey.

40. You gonna ask for a pair of headphones

41. on that little wishlist of yours?

42. 'Cause I cannot listen to one more squeaky voice

43. begging for pencils.

44. Well, if you saw how much stuff these teachers got,

45. - you would make one, too. - Yeah, no. I'm good.

46. I got plenty of classroom supply plugs

47. to keep me stocked up on whatever I need.

48. It's not my fault yous didn't want into the deal.

49. Okay, to be fair, none of us said no.

50. We simply had a few questions.

51. And I said that's a few too many questions.

52. Hey, Barbara, you know,

53. you should make one of these videos.

54. I know your class is short on resources.

55. - This could really help. - You know, I actually

56. - submitted a list. - Mm-hmm.

57. Typed it up myself, and I left it with the young man

58. at the front desk with the earring in his cheek.

59. Yeah, well, I mean, it could be really easy, though.

60. It only takes 10 seconds, and it's so effective.

61. All you have to do is go, "Hi. I'm a teacher,

62. and I need pens and paper and..."

63. It looks like you might need a new stapler?

64. We make do in my classroom, and my kids are just fine,

65. and there's nothing wrong with my stapler.

66. Borrowing the teachers' granola, y'all.

67. Trying to give y'all space to talk about

68. your little Hondas or whatever,

69. but I ran out of oats in my earthquake kit.

70. We don't have earthquakes.

71. That's what everybody says, until they wake up

72. and their kitchen is across the street.

73. Some of you need to open your eyes to the very real

74. and constant threat of global catastrophe.

75. - Ooh, are you on TikTok? - Uh, yeah.

76. Did you see my video that I did

77. - about softening elbows? - Mnh-mnh.

78. I did it to the tune of "Black and Yellow."

79. It blew up.

80. Pretty clever.

81. I'm just looking at teachers' wishlist videos from all over.

82. - Some of them are really cute. - Mm.

83. Oh. Whoa. That's not —

84. You're not throwing that away, are you?

85. The bloody paper towel or the Hustler magazine?

86. Oh, Lordy. Boy is in the trash.

87. This is not trash.

88. Yes, it is.

89. We are so quick to throw things away,

90. you know, always looking for, or —

91. or asking for new, new, new, new, new.

92. Well, I'm gonna get this thing working

93. and show you that, like our students,

94. you can't give up on something just because it's easy.

95. I mean, this is a perfectly good...

96. Well, I can't find a brand name, but —

97. Oh, I know what it's called.

98. It's called trash.

99. Don't put that up there.

100. Knock, knock.

101. I don't know why I said that.

102. It's weird when you think about it.

103. You don't say "pull" when you open a door.

104. Um, I just wanted to know if I could borrow your projector

105. for a little pro-ject that I'm doing.

106. Making a wishlist video for my classroom supplies,

107. which, by the looks of things, you could use.

108. What happened to your walls?

109. Oh, I took all the old teacher's stuff down.

110. It just didn't feel like me, you know?

111. I know that if this feels like you,

112. you might be a serial killer.

113. I think it looks good.

114. It's clean. I like clean.

115. Yeah, no, clean is good.

116. It's just, you know, the walls are the soul of the classroom.

117. You gotta put something up there.

118. - You know? - Yeah. Okay.

119. I'll, um — I'll think about that.

120. - Okay. - Yeah.

121. Remember the walls.

122. Let them speak from you to your kids.

123. What kind of teacher are you?

124. Who is Gregory?

125. Gregory is a Baltimore Ravens fan,

126. a Grape Nuts fan — although, they can get a bit sugary —

127. and a temporary teacher.

128. I made this for you, Mr. Eddie.

129. Thank you.

130. That trash?

131. Uh, no. No.

132. Thanks.

133. I got out all the old cords from the computer room.

134. I mean, one of them's gotta fit this thing.

135. Hey, can I show you what I've made so far?

136. My video?

137. I know you have ethical objections to,

138. well, everything,

139. but you're more Internet-y than I am, so...

140. - Um, yeah. - Okay.

141. All right. Let me start from the beginning.

142. Hi. I'm Janine Teagues, and I teach...

143. See how I spelled my name out in the back

144. on the projector on the wall?

145. - Hmm. Mm-hmm. - Mm-hmm.

146. needs school supplies. What do we need?

147. Tape, right-handed scissors...

148. So, I'm going to, like, put the items over my head —

149. pictures — and, um, as soon as I learn how to do that.

150. And you get the idea.

151. It's easy as one, two, three, so thank you, from me.

152. Did you notice that last part?

153. - That it rhymed? - Yeah. That was fun, right?

154. I like it. I just — I'm not sure

155. it's going to, you know, break through the noise.

156. The Internet is very busy.

157. You know, you're competing with alien conspiracies

158. and animals that can sing, and it just —

159. it — it — it's missing that — that thing.

160. Huh. What thing?

161. You know, that thing, where you look at something

162. and you're like, "That's good."

163. Well, I'm adding a filter that's gonna rain glitter, so —

164. That's not gonna compete with singing parrots.

165. It just needs a little showmanship.

166. Well, I'm not a showman.

167. Yes! Yes! Yes!

168. I-Is that European, or...?

169. Oh, yeah,

170. I can help you make your video.

171. - Really? - Yes. This is what I do.

172. Well, you're also a principal, so...

173. Yeah, but this is my art.

174. I write, I edit, I direct, I do the music, I lip-sync.

175. Because of me, when people say that their favorite director

176. is that Ava lady, somebody else gotta be like, "Which one?"

177. Well, maybe you can just give me a few tips.

178. You know, maybe help build upon what I already have?

179. Let me see your phone.

180. What is this? An iPhone 9?

181. It's like a Walkman.

182. I don't know nothing about this.

183. That's before my time.

184. Hi. I'm Janine Teagues, and I teach second grade...

185. Ugh.

186. Well, I'm not on social media like that,

187. so I don't have a lot of experience with —

188. Quality control?

189. I'm kidding. She know I'm playin'.

190. And that's why I, or more importantly, we...

191. I can get you a lot of views,

192. and that's gonna mean a lot of supplies.

193. But I'm gonna need complete creative control.

194. Mm, what does that mean?

195. I'm gonna take some photos, do a little video,

196. and then I'll do my thing in post.

197. Can you twerk?

198. You don't look like you can, but I could be wrong.

199. With your help, I can become the hero

200. Abbott Elementary deserves!

201. Okay, that's actually really good.

202. - Right? - It looks like a Marvel movie.

203. Yeah, it's cool.

204. Wait. How many views do you have?

205. 20,000, and it just went up yesterday.

206. My wishlist is almost totally full.

207. Ooh, Janine, I'm happy for you.

208. Thank you. Also, Taye Diggs shared it.

209. And I'm sure that's a good thing.

210. Very good.

211. - Hey, Barbara. - Mm-hmm?

212. Have you gotten anything on your list yet?

213. - I don't think so. - Mm.

214. And yet, the day moves on.

215. Sometimes the Lord gives a lot, and then sometimes, He does not.

216. Yeah.

217. Well, you know, I'm gonna have a bunch of extra stuff,

218. if you need anything, in case the Lord cheaps out.

219. Also, it's not too late to make a video.

220. - It's just — - Janine, I am just fine.

221. - Okay. - And if you'll excuse me,

222. I have shapes to grade.

223. Look. I drew a picture of you.

224. Oh, wow.

225. Okay, what am I? I'm a cowboy?

226. No. It's a picture of you playing baseball.

227. Oh, right.

228. Yeah, I can see him running the bases.

229. No, you're hitting a home run.

230. Of course. Yes.

231. Well, thank you.

232. - Oh, hey, Janine. - Hey.

233. I decorated my room. You wanna come see?

234. Oh. Yes.

235. Excuse me. I love a reveal.

236. Let me see this.

237. What? You don't like it?

238. No. It's — It's great. It's great.

239. It's just — It feels a little like

240. you went into an office supply store

241. and bought the first five or six posters you saw.

242. Those are really good stores.

243. I, um — I-I got a whole tub of licorice.

244. Would you like one?

245. No. Look, Gregory, this is a classroom, not an office.

246. It's just missing a certain warmth.

247. Those stores are great for, like, ink cartridges

248. or whatever, but I wouldn't rely on them

249. to represent me as a teacher.

250. You know, is this really a reflection of you?

251. Maybe the giraffe.

252. Yeah. M-Maybe so.

253. Okay. Yep.

254. Last one. Oh, my, my, my, my.

255. Okay.

256. Barbara makes do with so little.

257. It's pride, I think.

258. My psych professor used to say

259. that pride and stubbornness share a fence.

260. Barbara's sitting on that fence.

261. I'm gonna help her off.

262. Sometimes Robin has to look out for Batman.

263. Too many metaphors.

264. And I know she comes from that generation

265. that doesn't ask for what they need,

266. so I want to ask for her,

267. and that is why I'm here.

268. Sorry, am I hearing, like, splashing or bubbles?

269. Oh, yeah.

270. Soaking my toesies in my new foot bath.

271. Where'd you get this stuff?

272. I put it on your list.

273. For the kids.

274. How does having a principal with muscle tension serve them?

275. Ooh, that's a knot! Ooh, that's a knot! Whoo!

276. You know what? I'm gonna go.

277. That's a knot.

278. Okay, okay. Okay, you were right.

279. Mrs. Howard is an amazing teacher,

280. and we should look out for our own.

281. So, does that mean you'll make her a video?

282. Oh, yeah. I'm gonna make it rain glue sticks in that room.

283. Well, thank you.

284. You don't need to thank me.

285. I'mma thank myself by getting an accessory for this massage gun.

286. I want the little part that gets in between the bones.

287. Okay.

288. Wait, what kind of video were you gonna make...?

289. I will find another use for you.

290. What could you be? What could you be?

291. Could be trash.

292. Good. Good, y'all. So, now, if you take away two stars,

293. how many do you have after that?

294. Yes, Isaiah?

295. - 18. - 18. Very good.

296. You get a sticker. And which sticker do you want?

297. We have some dinosaurs, kitty stickers, panda stickers.

298. We are stickers rich, y'all.

299. Ms. Teagues. - Can I get stars?

300. It's me, Ava.

301. I was gonna text you, but then I didn't.

302. This might be my best work yet.

303. - Hey. - I went in a new direction.

304. Hello,

305. I am Barbara Howard,

306. the oldest teacher at the poorest school in America.

307. I do good voices, huh?

308. I should pursue that more, like cartoons or something.

309. Please help me fill my wishlist,

310. if not for me, Barbara Howard,

311. the oldest teacher at the poorest school in America,

312. then for little Johnny.

313. - His name is Amir. - Shh.

314. People like "Johnny." It makes 'em sad.

315. Or little Mia.

316. Now, she can act. She couldn't do it,

317. and then I pulled out a dollar,

318. that little girl was Viola Davis.

319. Ava, no. Delete. Stop.

320. This cannot go out.

321. Oh, girl, it's out. It's up and out.

322. - What? - And it's hot.

323. These are OnlyFans numbers.

324. I usually gotta show feet to go this viral.

325. Barbara's gonna get everything she needs.

326. Ava, this is the grossest, most emotionally manipulative,

327. exploitative thing I've ever seen in my life.

328. Thank you.

329. I followed how they make the Pixar movies.

330. It's a trick how they make you cry, but it works.

331. If Barbara sees this, I am gonna have to quit,

332. completely start over, move to a small town,

333. and then right when my tomato stand takes off,

334. she's gonna be there — Barbara —

335. trying to buy one, and it'll all be over!

336. Girl, tomatoes suck.

337. Why are you worried about Barbara Howard seeing this?

338. She's the most aggressively offline person I've ever met.

339. She responded to my Paperless Post

340. with her ATM code.

341. But you know who will see it?

342. Everybody else.

343. Man, how does this have so many views already?

344. - This is crazy. - I said this is what I do.

345. I feel like you went to the plastic surgeon for a nose job

346. and woke up like, "Why do I look different?"

347. Why does it say #BelieveScience,

348. You said you wanted eyes on it.

349. - "Luke 14:13"? - Ooh, what he say?

350. It's a comment about helping the poor and sad

351. and lame and crippled, sent by...

352. - @Gimme10 - Inches.

353. Now, she got a huge following.

354. This is great.

355. Hey. Sorry.

356. I got a package for a Barbara Howard.

357. I'm Barbara Howard.

358. You can leave it right... there.

359. - What'd you get? - I don't know.

360. Wait a minute. Is all of this for me?

361. Yes, ma'am. From my list?

362. No! Holy crap.

363. Oh, wow. That's neat.

364. So much unnecessary packaging.

365. Would you just enjoy something?

366. - You're gonna get an ulcer. - Wait a minute.

367. There is a tiny, little printed note.

368. Oh, why don't you let me read that for you, Barbara?

369. "I know you only requested one,

370. but I wanted to get enough for the whole class.

371. You deserve it."

372. - So many aprons. - Yes!

373. You know the Lord works in mysterious ways,

374. - and He is good! - Yes. He is good!

375. - I think He's great... - Yes!

376. and this school's great, and this box is great.

377. Barbara, you're great, and most importantly,

378. it's great for the kids, so we got everything we need.

379. Yay! Whoo!

380. Yeah.

381. - You okay? - Yeah, I'm good.

382. Oh, hey, Ava. Hey, hey, hey. So, it worked.

383. Mrs. Howard got everything on her wishlist.

384. We can take the video down now.

385. You want me to delete the most liked video I've ever created?

386. If you don't take the video down, I will quit.

387. Okay. Fine.

388. I won't quit. I love this job.

389. But could you please take the video down?

390. This is like Beyoncé deleting "Lemonade."

391. Hey, how's it going with the...

392. same stuff that was here before?

393. Even the penguins.

394. Yeah, I just kinda stopped trying.

395. Do you mean, like,

396. you're taking a break before you keep going?

397. I don't know what that means.

398. I-I'm a substitute, Janine.

399. I just figured, why spend my time trying to decorate a class

400. for another teacher to come in here

401. and just take it all down anyway?

402. Oh.

403. Did your kids make this for you?

404. Yeah. I got a bunch.

405. Oh, my God.

406. You might even have more than I do.

407. Not that I keep count. 27.

408. How many are in here?

409. 26?

410. Gregory...

411. these drawings are all of you.

412. These kids have a real connection to you.

413. - They do? - Yes.

414. Look, here you are hitting a home run.

415. How did you —

416. There you are buying a donut at Dunkin' Donuts.

417. There you are in a durag.

418. And here you are teaching... on the moon.

419. - Yeah. - In a space durag.

420. Okay, so kids draw stuff.

421. So what?

422. So, they like you.

423. Yes. Painting in silence.

424. After all of that panic and guilt,

425. I'm so happy Barbara got everything she needs.

426. That could have been bad, so —

427. Make way! Free loot coming through!

428. What's up, everybody?

429. We are live at an inner-city school

430. with gifts for underprivileged kids.

431. They are being taught in that classroom right there

432. by Mrs. Howard, the oldest teacher here.

433. - Let's go change some lives. - Come on. Let's go.

434. Excuse me. Excuse me. What are you doing in here?

435. Because you really should not be in here.

436. We saw your video, Mrs. Howard,

437. so we wanted to come down here in person

438. and see the look on your face when we —

439. Fulfill your wishlist!

440. Thank you, but the list has already —

441. - That one looks really sad. - What video?

442. Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Hey!

443. - Should we get a happy one, too? - Get out of here!

444. - Let's get both. Let's get both. - Hey. Get out.

445. - What? - Oh, no, no.

446. We're gonna do something super respectful.

447. Yeah. "Oh, no, no, no. I was just" — No!

448. You need to get out, okay? Do you want me to take off

449. - my other earring? - No. Definitely not.

450. Get out. Get out!

451. Shameful. Shameful.

452. Who even let y'all in here?

453. What was that all about?

454. Can I talk to you for a second?

455. Ava made...

456. I asked Ava to make a video to promote your wishlist

457. because it worked for me,

458. and I knew your class needed stuff.

459. And it got a lot of attention, clearly,

460. because it was a bit over-the-top.

461. How far over-the-top?

462. Really, really over-the-top.

463. Like, if you went to the top, you wouldn't be able to find it,

464. 'cause it was way up there.

465. I'm sorry. I just wanted you to have all the tools you deserve

466. and that your kids deserve.

467. My kids don't have half the supplies they need

468. most of the time, but they don't need to know that.

469. Yeah, but I saw your kids

470. painting with empty water colors.

471. - It's our job — - Our job is to build them up,

472. make them confident.

473. Is it nice to have stuff? Sure.

474. But my students do not need to feel less than

475. because they do not have stuff.

476. So, we talk about what they do have,

477. not about what they don't.

478. That was a painfully well-said reality check.

479. So, um, are you gonna give the stuff back?

480. Oh, hell no.

481. I'm keeping all of that.

482. Besides, do you know how expensive those staplers are?

483. - They're so expensive. - Mm.

484. And thank you for trying.

485. Your hyperactive little heart was in the right place.

486. Hey, Gregory, um, I just wanted to apologize

487. for inserting... myself...

488. Wha...

489. This looks amazing.

490. I think it looks good, too.

491. Yeah, I still don't know what kind of teacher I want to be,

492. but I think I want to stay around and figure it out.

493. Plus, the kids probably want to see their art on the wall.

494. This is a, um, interesting piece.

495. That is you as a businessman.

496. - Really? - Yes.

497. Okay, 'cause I thought I was a building.

498. - I'm — I'm really bad at this. - Mm. No.

499. Um, the trick is if you see, like, a really big circle,

500. that's usually the head.

501. And if you see bananas, those are usually fingers.

502. - So, yeah. - Oh, yeah!

503. Yeah. Okay. Yes.

504. I'm really, really good at deciphering this stuff,

505. so I'll help you.

506. Well, all right. So, I'm at a, um, construction site here.

507. No, you're at a playground. Those are the kids.

508. But this is a caution sign.

509. That's the sun.

510. Square sun. Okay.

511. Don Cheadle.

512. - No. - Um...

513. That's you.

514. - Hmm. - Yeah.

515. Okay, and, uh, this is, uh, a fireman.

516. San— Santa.

517. Ooh! We're gonna have to take this really slow.

518. Uh, where are you seeing Santa?

519. In the belly. In the beard.

520. In the presents. In the red suit.

521. And if it's getting too much sunlight,

522. I just lift this up here,

523. use a common number-two pencil to prop up the shade...

524. distribution mechanism,

525. and...

526. It's trash.

527. Yeah, it's trash.

528. Water all over my trash.

529. Captioned by VITAC —