Abbott Elementary 1x12

1. Ms. Teagues, are you chewing gum?

2. Yeah.

3. Where does gum go when you enter this classroom?

4. Wanda the Waste Basket!

5. Okay. All right, come on,

6. my future little Odd Futures.

7. Time to go back to our classroom.

8. Uh, come on, guys.

9. You'll see Ms. Davis next week.

10. Hey, guys.

11. I know music class is fun,

12. but that's why we have to let someone else have a turn.

13. All right, guys, you know what?

14. Don't make me collect the recorders,

15. 'cause if I collect them,

16. who knows when you're gonna see them again.

17. So sorry I'm late.

18. Oh, glad you guys started without me.

19. We weren't waiting.

20. This isn't a restaurant.

21. Uh, why are you late? Is everything okay?

22. Yeah, everything's fine.

23. The kids just love Ms. Davis' class,

24. so it takes a while to get them back,

25. and then everything runs a little late.

26. You know, normally, I'd be bothered by my kids

27. being obsessed with another teacher, but I get it.

28. - My class? Also Davis devotees. - Mm.

29. Only way she could be cooler is if she were related to Angela.

30. Not that I think all black people are related.

31. Well, maybe you do.

32. Maybe that was your subconscious speaking.

33. What would Angela Davis think?

34. Well, my suggestion to all of you

35. is to enjoy your free periods while you can.

36. Because music class will be going bye-bye-bye

37. like Blackstreet Boyz II Men.

38. Mm, mnh, no. Wrong in like three ways.

39. Whoa. What's happening to music class?

40. Well, the school pays for the music class

41. out of discretionary funds.

42. And since Ava lost her dirt on Superintendent Collins

43. when he married the goomah,

44. there's no way he's gonna fork over the cash

45. like he has for the last three years.

46. No more of the glitz and glam you lot have become used to.

47. It's gonna go right back to the lean years.

48. Mm-hmm.

49. Then what are these?

50. There has to be a way to convince Superintendent Collins

51. that we still need that discretionary money.

52. Well, all the principals have to present their cases for funding

53. to the school board at the end of the week.

54. How do you always know this stuff?

55. I told you all this many times —

56. I trained to be a principal.

57. - Mm, it's not ringing a bell. - Mm.

58. I interned at the Baltimore School Board for two summers.

59. I got my Master's in Educational Leadership,

60. and I went through a program specifically meant

61. to encourage young black men to become principals.

62. So do I think that Ava can learn

63. everything that she needs to know by Friday?

64. No.

65. Out of curiosity, what was her presentation like last year?

66. She played a chopped and screwed version of Tom Cruise saying,

67. "Show me the money," on repeat.

68. And no one asked any questions when that worked?

69. I'm sure she is preparing,

70. given the circumstances have changed.

71. "They keep telling me I've aged out of The Bachelor,

72. so that's why I need to borrow your birth certificate, Ava,

73. exclamation mark."

74. Even in a world where Ava could put together

75. - a competent presentation... - Mm-hmm.

76. it still does not change the fact

77. that the Superintendent can't stand her

78. and, by extension, us.

79. The nerve on that guy.

80. Yeah, well, maybe this will be the year

81. where the school board finally awards me

82. that Advancement Grant that I have been applying to

83. for 10 years.

84. They will if we make them.

85. Just, like, a little... gentle arm-twisting.

86. A little arm twist never hurt.

87. This is so exciting. Oh, my God.

88. I'm gonna go to the mall right after school

89. and get a new shakedown sweater.

90. Do I even wanna know?

91. I don't know. Do you?

92. You know you have a presentation

93. to the school board coming up, right?

94. Yeah, I do it annually.

95. Right, but you're ready for the one this year?

96. This girl doesn't know what "annually" means.

97. No, I know what it means.

98. It's just that this time is a little different.

99. Yeah, my job is on the line.

100. More importantly, discretionary funds for the entire school.

101. Yeah, but those two things kinda go hand in hand

102. - if you really think about it. - Great.

103. So you're taking it seriously, then.

104. As a heart attack.

105. I haven't watched Love After Lockup in like a month.

106. Free Puppy.

107. Can I see the presentation?

108. You don't have a lawyer, do you?

109. No. Oh, not unless you count that guy

110. that represented me in that hit-and-run.

111. I was clipped by a delirious jogger.

112. Then I'll show you the presentation tomorrow.

113. There's a lot of proprietary technology involved.

114. Sign this NDA

115. and bring it back in the morning.

116. Don't look at them. They've already signed.

117. Oh. Okay.

118. I found a connection at the school board.

119. Ooh, you got a guy there?

120. No, you do.

121. Delisha Sloss. She goes to your church.

122. My guy says she's on the finance committee or something.

123. I know her.

124. - One of our shadier members. - Mm-hmm.

125. But God's light finds even the shadows.

126. Yeah, she's up to something.

127. Being able to spot ops runs in the family.

128. That's how we Schemmentis got so successful in... business.

129. I don't think so.

130. Oh, come on! It's an easy squeeze.

131. She's been skimming cash off the top for years.

132. It's not that I can't handle it.

133. It's just that...

134. I'm not used to playing in the mud.

135. I leave that to people like you.

136. People like me, huh?

137. Your signed NDA.

138. - That's a cute shirt. - Oh, thank you.

139. I got it from Old Navy.

140. It would look much better on me.

141. You know what? Give it to me.

142. No. What?

143. Look, can we just start already?

144. I wanna finish this before the kids get here at 7:30 —

145. 6:00 — 7:30.

146. This presentation is about to blow your mind.

147. Let's get started. Ava 2, Ava 3.

148. Oh! What?

149. What the hell?

150. - Success. - Greatness.

151. Passion.

152. And what do all those words have in common?

153. - Ava Coleman. - Ava Coleman.

154. So, in conclusion, a school with such an amazing leader

155. is an obvious choice for discretionary funds.

156. And what school is that?

157. A.

158. B. - B.

159. Okay. - O.

160. That's enough. - T.

161. L. Janine, you're throwing off my timing.

162. - E. - Enough.

163. M — M — M — M — M — M —

164. - What? - You couldn't let me finish?

165. No —

166. Ow!

167. So, what do you think?

168. I think...

169. I don't think this is what the school board is looking for.

170. Damn it!

171. I knew it.

172. I thought I could just hit 'em

173. with the ol' razzle-dazzle.

174. These are the parts about being a principal that I'm not good at.

175. Interesting. What parts would you say you are good at?

176. This isn't the time for jokes, Janine.

177. This is the first time in my life that I won't be able to

178. charisma my way out of the situation.

179. This is the first job that I've liked in my life.

180. I don't wanna lose it.

181. Okay. Well, what if we find a way to combine your charisma

182. with what the school board is actually looking for?

183. That's the point — I don't know.

184. I'm not some nerd,

185. got somebody showing me the ropes and giving me advice

186. and putting up with my near-constant hijinks.

187. Okay. You're right.

188. We need to find someone who knows

189. what presentations like this should look like.

190. I know how you feel about Ava

191. and the whole principal situation,

192. but this is for the kids.

193. It feels like it's for Ava.

194. Yeah. But it'd be for all of us, too.

195. I mean, say they fire Ava. Then what?

196. They bring in some micromanaging control freak

197. who won't let us do our jobs?

198. Yeah, we wouldn't want that.

199. Look, I know she may not be our best option,

200. but she certainly isn't the worst.

201. Fine. But if she refers to me as a food item, I'm out.

202. Great. Meet me in the library at lunch.

203. Did he say yes?

204. 'Cause otherwise, I found a livestream

205. of some other school board's presentation that might help.

206. Never mind. It's an SNL skit.

207. Since I've been here, Ava's biggest improvements

208. to the school include renaming - the Wi- - Fi network

209. Bad Bitches Only

210. and using field-trip money to put 26-inch rims

211. on one of the buses.

212. Is it how I'd do the job? No.

213. But the school does deserve to have this money.

214. Very good.

215. Oh, I like that.

216. Repo's here.

217. Hey, Melissa.

218. You need something?

219. Yeah, I'm just here to repo this rug

220. since you got it from a mud person.

221. Wait.

222. Is this because I won't extort a church member?

223. You are overreacting.

224. No, I'm just trying to protect you.

225. I wouldn't want you involved in any of my immoral activities.

226. You need some help?

227. Nah, I got it.

228. Okay. So, she should start by showing them

229. our student retention rates.

230. They've been steady since the appeal

231. for a student recount was filed.

232. Yes, Ava counted twins as one student

233. because she said they share the same soul.

234. That's true. And this is so boring!

235. And I don't like this shift

236. in the power dynamic where you're in charge.

237. You've never been less attractive.

238. Look, we have to build a case

239. to get the discretionary funding with data and facts.

240. Well, then this is pointless.

241. I've spent my whole life avoiding those two things.

242. Look, what if we just write down exactly what she needs to say,

243. and then she can just read it?

244. I wish I could just read something,

245. but this superintendent is out to get me.

246. He's gonna be throwing curves like that lady gym.

247. Okay. Then we have to keep trying.

248. This is our only option.

249. Unless you want to catch Superintendent Collins

250. cheating again.

251. Yes! Let's focus on that.

252. That's got to be easier.

253. Maybe the best thing for the school in the long run

254. is for her to fail and they get a new principal.

255. Not necessarily me. Just a new one.

256. Who... is like me.

257. And that is one of the many ways that My Octopus Teacher

258. made me, well, believe in love again.

259. Is everything okay?

260. The only time I saw you two sit apart

261. is when Melissa said you should put sugar on grits.

262. There's nothing to talk about.

263. Yeah, 'cause it's very straightforward.

264. We're under attack, and she's got her head buried in the sand.

265. Better the sand than the mud.

266. Okay. You refusing to cooperate

267. doesn't stop bad things from happening.

268. We should be using people doing bad stuff

269. to do good stuff for our kids.

270. Mm. "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil

271. is for good men to do nothing."

272. You know, usually when you quote stuff, it's annoying

273. and I want you to shut up, but in this case, very relevant.

274. Oh, thank you. I have another.

275. - No, you don't. - No, I don't.

276. What are y'all doing here?

277. You didn't think we would give up that easy, did you?

278. That's exactly what I thought.

279. I'm genuinely surprised to see you.

280. Okay. So, you know how your presentation

281. used those robotablets?

282. My assistants, yes.

283. Well, what if we were your assistants?

284. That way, we can handle all the data and graphs,

285. and you can handle the showmanship.

286. I love it!

287. This is like a group project at school

288. where I bring the energy, and you guys bring

289. whatever doesn't require a personality.

290. This is a good idea.

291. Okay. I know you said that you're okay,

292. but I can tell that you're not by the way that you're gardening.

293. I don't know what you're talking about.

294. Oh!

295. Oh, J-J-Jacob, I'm sorry.

296. I'm — I'm — I'm fine, really.

297. - Oh, I'm sorry. - No, I'm good.

298. Oh.

299. Tsk. Oh.

300. I know we need the money.

301. And I have applied for that Advancement Grant

302. for 10 years now.

303. I just don't want to compromise my morals to get it.

304. Look, while I admire that you've applied 10 years in a row,

305. have you heard that saying

306. about the definition of insanity?

307. Have you ever heard the saying

308. that I will pop you upside your head

309. if you imply that I am insane?

310. I'm just saying...

311. you did something you wouldn't normally do

312. by starting this garden with me.

313. That didn't turn out so bad, huh?

314. - Hey. - Thought I was early.

315. You are. I'm just earlier.

316. Ava here yet?

317. She's probably somewhere doing power poses.

318. Actually, it's been a minute.

319. Let me check and make sure she hasn't bolted.

320. Mm-hmm.

321. Gregory Eddie, right?

322. Yeah.

323. It's good to see you again.

324. You know, I'm sorry I couldn't hire you as principal, but...

325. my hands were tied.

326. - To the bed? - Pardon?

327. Nothing.

328. Look, if you're still interested in being principal,

329. I think maybe some positions might be opening up,

330. even at Abbott.

331. So...

332. if you're interested...

333. e-mail me.

334. - Hey. - Hey.

335. Look, there's Delisha Sloss — if anybody cares.

336. Excuse me.

337. Okay. So, after Gregory talks math competency,

338. I'll handle the attendance graph,

339. and then I'll kick it to you for testing numbers.

340. So, I'm the grand finale. But what if they want an encore?

341. That's okay. We'll handle all surprises,

342. and all you have to do is take care of the lobs.

343. Oh, perfect! I'll go into a power pose.

344. And remember, you don't wanna show too much improvement

345. because then they think we won't need the money.

346. But then, also, you don't want to show

347. that we haven't gotten any better,

348. because then they think we're not capable of improvement.

349. Wow. And this is the job you really want?

350. - Sounds gross. - Yeah.

351. Ah, Principal Coleman.

352. Superintendent Collins.

353. I'm really looking forward to showing you our presentation.

354. W-What do you mean "our"?

355. I've enlisted two of Abbott's best teachers

356. to help me with the presentation —

357. our shortest and our finest.

358. No, you're not slick.

359. You'll be giving today's presentation alone.

360. Uh, oh, my God. What did he just say to you?

361. That if you don't do well, you're gonna get fired?

362. Worse.

363. He mumbled and I didn't hear it.

364. - Oh. - Oh.

365. Mrs. Sloss.

366. I'm a teacher at Abbott Elementary.

367. I believe we go to the same church.

368. Oh, how lovely.

369. I think I've seen you around.

370. Of course you've seen Deacon Wiley's new hairstyle.

371. Oh, he's got it dyed, fried, and laid to the side.

372. Yes, it's funny when people look bad.

373. Um, uh...

374. Sister Sloss, God is good, is he not?

375. - He is. - And He knows in our hearts

376. whether we are good people or not.

377. I imagine he does. You have a good day, now.

378. Well, while I have your attention,

379. you are on the Church Finance Committee, aren't you?

380. Our test scores have been good.

381. But not too good.

382. And definitely not bad.

383. Uh, the same goes for our attendance rates.

384. They have been exactly where they should be

385. to inspire confidence while also leaving room for improvement.

386. Any questions?

387. Never mind. There's no time for questions.

388. I still have, uh, 13 more slides.

389. I can't really hear anything.

390. Okay, get away from the door. Let me try.

391. Yeah, I can't hear anything, either.

392. Who's got the biggest ears?

393. I — I'm-a just...

394. I'll get a glass.

395. When I'm overwhelmed, I get on my phone, too.

396. I like to read the news.

397. You know, seeing something way worse

398. than what's happening to me really puts things in perspective.

399. Yeah, I was just sending an e-mail, but...

400. I can do that later.

401. By the way, thank you so much for helping.

402. I know it isn't easy to coach someone

403. who has the job you should've gotten.

404. Yeah, well, it's a lot easier to say yes to things

405. when you're the one asking.

406. Oh. Well, in that case,

407. can I get a burger and a Nintendo Switch?

408. How do you think it's going in there?

409. Oh, I think it's probably going well.

410. I think it's going w—

411. I think it's probably going well.

412. Hmm.

413. And that brings me to my last chart...

414. What are we looking at here?

415. Well, there's no words on it, but... it's going up!

416. That can't be too bad.

417. Or too good!

418. Based on what you've shown us so far,

419. what metrics are your funding targets keyed to?

420. Thank God you brought that up.

421. I was like, "I hope he asks about Target and whatnot,"

422. - 'cause I have another slide — - You know what?

423. I thi— I think we've seen all we need to see here today.

424. Thanks for coming in.

425. - But I — I — - Look, that's your time,

426. not even including the five minutes you took

427. when you got a paper cut.

428. Look, I know you all want me to talk

429. about pie charts and cake graphs,

430. but that's not the entire story.

431. Yeah, discretionary funds can be used to nurture students

432. artistically so they can grow up and do that graffiti

433. that bougie people don't get mad at.

434. You mean a mural?

435. That's it.

436. But what you don't see is how I make sure

437. that forgetful students get supplies.

438. Or how I help students with broke parents

439. get uniforms that fit so they don't get roasted all day.

440. Or how I have barrels of lotion stashed all around the school

441. so these kids don't start a commotion with their crusty ankles.

442. My unique approach to these funds betters the school.

443. Yes, we all understand the importance of moisturization,

444. but your time is up.

445. No.

446. Y'all not about to rush me out of here

447. like I'm Lil Mama at the VMAs.

448. Psst! Hey. It's open.

449. Because you know what?

450. No matter what happens to me, Abbott will be fine.

451. Because the teachers that work there

452. are some of the most dedicated, hardworking,

453. and creative teachers in this entire city.

454. You tell 'em, Ava!

455. And it's not like y'all been making it rain up in here.

456. We've been taking appetizer money

457. and giving these kids a charcuterie experience.

458. Don't give us the money because we need it.

459. Give it to us because everyone at Abbott deserves it.

460. - Hmm. - Hmm.

461. Well, thank you, Principal Coleman.

462. Uh, that was a very... passionate plea.

463. Well?

464. Okay, sis!

465. - I did that! - And that's on what?

466. Period!

467. Okay, what's happening?

468. I mean, good job, Ava.

469. Thank you, subordinate.

470. So, our girl really did a good job, huh?

471. Surprisingly, yes.

472. Ooh! So we get the funding we need?

473. No, of course not.

474. As long as Ava's at Abbott and I'm the superintendent,

475. you never will.

476. She blackmailed me.

477. It's kind of hard to get over being blackmailed.

478. You know, he's not wrong.

479. I haven't spoken to my blackmailer in two years.

480. Do I miss my sister? Yeah, every day.

481. Look, if it wasn't your school suffering, it'd just be another.

482. Don't be mad at me, be mad at the system.

483. I am mad. I'm really mad.

484. I'm glad I caught you before you left.

485. I talked to my office, and I have good news.

486. - Oh, really? - Mm.

487. Regarding?

488. Regarding the fact that Abbott will be a recipient

489. of the Advancement Grant this year.

490. What a surprise.

491. After 10 years of impeccable applications,

492. we suddenly find ourselves worthy.

493. How wonderful.

494. Yes, it is... wonderful.

495. Ah. See you in church on Sunday.

496. And every Sunday after that.

497. Hmm.

498. Barbara, this is great!

499. What are we gonna use the grant for?

500. I mean, which programs go? Which ones stay?

501. This could get very stressful.

502. Okay, you need to stop thinking about this,

503. because you're gonna break out in hives.

504. Because this is a decision for our principal.

505. Stop looking at me like that.

506. If anybody hugs me, I'm turning down the grant.

507. Did you...

508. Did you shake someone down for me?

509. I shook someone down for us, ya big gabootz.

510. Guboonza? Garbanzo.

511. Yeah, that's a bean, but thank you for trying.

512. Sometimes you try something new

513. for the people you care about.

514. The Lord helps those who help themselves.

515. And he punishes those who have been helping themselves

516. to the church's petty cash.

517. Mnh-mnh-mnh.

518. I saw your little e-mail.

519. I know. That's why I'm sitting here.

520. Are you sure you wanna do this?

521. This job requires you to be cool and level-headed,

522. and you ain't exactly known for keeping your composure.

523. I'm sure.

524. This job means more responsibility.

525. Commitment. Emotional availability.

526. I understand.

527. Well, welcome to teaching full-time at Abbott, Mr. Eddie.

528. Thank you.

529. What I'm looking forward to the most

530. is having access to the H.R. department.

531. What's H.R.?

532. Captioned by VITAC —