Abbott Elementary 1x10

1. All right, all right.

2. Let me show you girls how it's really done, okay?

3. Go ahead.

4. Will you go?

5. Uh, you messed up my concentration,

6. so let me start over.

7. Recess is almost over.

8. School is almost over.

9. Okay, maybe if you guys weren't double-handed.

10. Maybe it's not me. Maybe it's you.

11. All right, here we go.

12. Ah!

13. Jacob, that was my turn.

14. Down by the river where the green grass grows,

15. there sat Janine sweet as a rose.

16. Along came Jacob, doing double dutch.

17. Janine's on the sidelines. Jealous much?

18. Wow. I'm good. Huh.

19. Okay, we're all set. The food's been ordered.

20. It's gonna get here right in time for the Open House.

21. All right. And if we really

22. want to get crazy, I've got my travel Scrabble.

23. I always keep it on my person.

24. Are we gonna have to spend time

25. talking to the parents at the Open House?

26. I forgot — this is your first Open House.

27. Oh!

28. Oh, he's so young. It's adorable.

29. I mean, old and dignified.

30. Today, after school, we have our annual Open House.

31. Parents and anyone in the neighborhood

32. are invited to attend.

33. But people in this community are busy working,

34. or they just don't show up.

35. You taking the bar?

36. What's with all the studying?

37. Oh, this is a make-or-break Open House for me.

38. If you don't make yourself relax, you will break.

39. Hardly anybody ever comes.

40. No, I know. I just have this student, Nina,

41. and she's been struggling,

42. and I haven't been able to connect with her mom,

43. and this is my one chance to talk to her

44. because she promised she'll be here tonight,

45. so it has to go perfect.

46. What's your resting heart rate?

47. - Around 75. - Mm.

48. What are you, a hummingbird?

49. No, it's just — I know what it's like to be a child

50. at one of those pivotal moments, and, uh...

51. You know, parents should be involved.

52. But what are you afraid she's gonna end up like?

53. I'm DJ'ing the Open House!

54. DJ A-V-A!

55. Whatever.

56. The superintendent is coming.

57. Don't you think you should act more like...

58. you know, a... principal?

59. Yeah, well, if the superintendent

60. has notes for me, I got a note for him —

61. don't let me catch you cheating on your wife.

62. What are you talking about?

63. Oh, you don't know?

64. I caught him with the Deaconess. That's how I got this job.

65. He thought he could get away with a thot,

66. but he thought wrong.

67. That's a tongue twister.

68. Wait. Are you saying —

69. That that man is in my pocket

70. - like Jay- - Z after the elevator.

71. I'ma go set up.

72. Y'all got any requests,

73. ask your mama, 'cause I don't take requests.

74. I applied for the principal job here.

75. I studied for it. I majored in it.

76. I did everything right,

77. but I didn't get the job because Ava...

78. blackmailed the superintendent!

79. I'm not sure when Nina's mom is coming, uh,

80. but I'm starting to get a little anxious.

81. This has to go well.

82. So, just in case, I'm gonna go see Barbara

83. to rehearse what I have to say.

84. Barbara is my mentor.

85. And you know what? She's kind of like my mom.

86. She's my momtor.

87. Hey, Barbara.

88. There you are.

89. I have been looking forward to seeing you all day.

90. Wow. This is my dream.

91. Oh.

92. Mm!

93. - Nope. Hugs — parties of two. - Oh!

94. Um, Janine, I'd like you to meet my daughter.

95. Hi. I'm Taylor.

96. Oh, Janine teaches the second grade,

97. and the kids absolutely love her.

98. Mm. Yeah, wow.

99. It's so nice to meet you. You're so lucky.

100. Your mom is a saint.

101. So I've heard.

102. Taylor's visiting from New York,

103. and since Open House is usually so long and sparsely attended,

104. I invited her to keep me company.

105. Oh, wow! New York.

106. You know, last time I was there,

107. I was shopping on Canal Street, and I see this huge rat.

108. So I pull out my phone to take a picture of it,

109. but then this flying piece of garbage

110. just smacks me in the face,

111. so dropped my phone, went in the gutter,

112. never saw it again.

113. Wow. That story had everything.

114. Man, this is so cool 'cause, you know,

115. you're Barbara's blood daughter, and I'm her work daughter.

116. - Uh, her work daughter? - Yep.

117. Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. You're not jealous, are you?

118. Because you got all the perks.

119. - So many perks. - Yeah, shopping trips,

120. boy talks, period talks.

121. Those must have been moving.

122. I wish I could've gotten one from my mom or even Barbara.

123. So why don't we just take a look at some of the children's art?

124. - Yeah. - Oh, I can't even imagine having

125. a mom like Barbara.

126. I used to do this thing with my mom

127. where I would say to her exactly what I wanted to hear,

128. hoping she would just say it back,

129. and she'd just keep playing my Game Boy, so...

130. Hey, Jacob.

131. What are you doing?

132. Oh, me? I'm... just admiring Mr. Dewey

133. and his undefeated decimal system.

134. Come over here. Play some poker.

135. I've never really played.

136. Even better. You got 20 bucks?

137. Well, you know what?

138. Might be worth it to lose a little money

139. for the conversation and camaraderie.

140. Yeah, whatever. Mr. J!

141. Come on. It's time.

142. Hey, it's me, Mr. Johnson.

143. I look different in my after-work clothes.

144. - You got him to play? - Mm-hmm.

145. I think I'll be okay.

146. You know, I — I've dabbled in Uno.

147. Yeah, see? He dabbled in Uno.

148. Listen, this is a nice, friendly game.

149. You got nothing to worry about.

150. - Well, wonderful. - Sit your ass down.

151. Papa's getting a new set of brooms!

152. Principal A-A-Ava, son!

153. Another one!

154. Check out this oldie but goodie by my guy Ginuwine!

155. It's called "Pony," y'all!

156. And he ain't talking about a horse!

157. Superintendent Collins, you showed.

158. Just stopping by for a quick tour.

159. Well, if you want to waste your time, fine by me.

160. But you know if you got a problem,

161. there's nothing you can do about it.

162. It's my job to be here.

163. Well, I wouldn't want to cheat you out of a tour.

164. I say that 'cause you cheated on your wife.

165. I got it the first time.

166. Let me put on some Toni Braxton.

167. You'll like this one. It's called...

168. "Love Shoulda Brought You Home"!

169. How about I take you to dinner after this?

170. Take me? I'm taking you.

171. Where do you want to go?

172. - I heard — - I heard Burrata's really good.

173. Yeah. Tariq always says he's gonna take me there

174. when he signs a record deal,

175. but he hasn't been offered one yet,

176. so I'm just holding off on reservations.

177. Okay.

178. Well, we'll take that under consideration.

179. - Maybe we could — - You know, I know lots of

180. special places I haven't been to yet,

181. so don't be afraid to ask.

182. And, Taylor, I don't know how long you're gonna be here,

183. but I would love to show you around Philly.

184. Oh, that's okay.

185. - I grew up here. - Oh.

186. I'm really just here to see my mom.

187. She's also here for work.

188. I'm here to see you.

189. But you're also here for work.

190. I mean, that's usually when you visit, right?

191. Well, your mom is amazing.

192. In fact, the reason I'm here is to, you know,

193. ask you about a conversation I have to have later

194. - with a parent — - Mom, I'm here.

195. What difference does it make if I also have to work?

196. But, sweetheart, there is a difference.

197. Well, so what do you do, Taylor?

198. I represent a global brand. We promote friendship and fun —

199. She sells booze.

200. I'm a rep for a high-end alcohol company.

201. Oh! Oh, I love high-end alcohol.

202. I don't drink it, but I do love the commercials.

203. The Most Interesting Man in the World —

204. he seems interesting to me.

205. That's for beer. But wait until you see our spokesman.

206. - So you know Machine Gun Kelly? - Oh, my God, yes!

207. Our guy sounds just like him.

208. And we just did a deal where if

209. the Sixers win the NBA Finals,

210. they're gonna pour our spirits on themselves.

211. - Oh, wow! That is huge. - Mm-hmm.

212. The only spirit I recognize is the Spirit of the Lord.

213. Here we go again.

214. I'm just saying, with your gifts,

215. you could be helping people.

216. You don't need to "just say" that, Mom.

217. Well, I feel like I do.

218. See, this is the kind of open dialogue

219. that I'm hoping to have with this parent later —

220. Well, I'm sorry we can't all be Saint Barbara.

221. Well, I wasn't saying she was like a saint, saint.

222. She hasn't been recognized by the church, I don't think.

223. All that education. You could be doing so much more.

224. Like teaching, right?

225. Well... yes.

226. There it is!

227. Just because I didn't make the same life choices you made,

228. you can't support me.

229. - That is not true. - Well, that's not true.

230. It is true. You wanted me to be someone

231. who dedicates their life to children

232. and can't afford a nice car or a mortgage

233. and dresses like Mr. Rogers.

234. - Oh! Dig on me. - Yes.

235. Because, ultimately, she just wants me to be someone like you.

236. to talk about the parent-teacher con—

237. - No. - Okay. Right.

238. Barbara...

239. It's okay, Janine.

240. Taylor and I have had that conversation...

241. many times.

242. Oh.

243. Well, I hope it works out.

244. Um... although I am flattered

245. that you wanted your daughter to be like me.

246. Janine, this is none of your concern.

247. I know that you have a very important conversation

248. coming up with a parent,

249. so why don't you go and prepare for that, huh?

250. - Good idea. - Yes.

251. But if you did want me to make that reservation at Burrata,

252. I could do that for the three of us.

253. Or just the two of us?

254. I'm leaving.

255. Okay, I'm back. Had to show a couple of parents...

256. how to get to another school.

257. They were in the wrong place.

258. Oh, sorry, Mr. Johnson, I gotta do that.

259. Last time I trusted someone else to shuffle,

260. I lost a kidney.

261. I am all-in.

262. She hasn't even dealt the cards yet.

263. Yeah, I meant emotionally.

264. I fold.

265. I don't want to get my hopes up.

266. Is that Gregory?

267. Did he look, like, disheveled?

268. Normally, I do these standing up,

269. but I realized something — nothing matters.

270. Okay? Why try?

271. I mean, I tried for the principal job, and for what?

272. You know, what was the point?

273. I mean, what's the point of anything, really?

274. Oh, yeah, I loosened my tie, yeah.

275. I mean, why even sit up straight, you know?

276. I like this. It feels better.

277. Why do people sit like that?

278. Oh, hey! Are you Nina's mom?

279. No, I'm Jamar's mom.

280. - Oh, dang it. - What?

281. Why? Is Jamar doing okay?

282. - Is he falling behind? - Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

283. He's perfect. Um...

284. Why don't you take a look at the art wall,

285. and I'll be with you in a second.

286. Have a cookie — they're homemade

287. from the grocery store.

288. If you're calling about it,

289. I probably don't have time for it.

290. - Leave one.

291. Hey, Mrs. Williams.

292. This is Ms. Teagues, Nina's teacher.

293. Um, you said that you would be at the Open House tonight,

294. and FYI, we close at 8:00 sharp.

295. So, see ya soon!

296. Okay.

297. Uh... hi?

298. Sup?

299. I'm Taylor.

300. Greg.

301. I'm the not principal of Abbott Elementary.

302. What a coincidence.

303. I'm not the principal, either.

304. Well, we have that in common.

305. - You a parent? - No. My parent works here.

306. And she never lets you forget it.

307. Oh. Yeah, you're Barbara's daughter.

308. From New York, right?

309. Yep. It's the best.

310. I mean, it can be stressful, but —

311. I don't know anything about stress.

312. Nickname's Easy Going Greg.

313. What's up, Barb?

314. Hello, Mrs. Howard.

315. Taylor, can I talk with you, please?

316. Mother-daughter relationships can be tricky.

317. No one knows that more than me.

318. There isn't anything I can do about Nina's mom not showing up,

319. but there is something I can do about Barbara and Taylor.

320. I can help them fix things.

321. I'm probably the only one that can.

322. Oh.

323. I love you, and I am proud of you,

324. and I will always be there for you.

325. Oh!

326. Oh. Oh.

327. Oh!

328. Oops! Power surge.

329. Uh, I was trying to leave quietly without you seeing me,

330. but then you couldn't see anything,

331. and now you can.

332. So... I am going to go.

333. You guys keep hugging.

334. Okay.

335. Thinking about turning that into my wo-man cave.

336. My Lady Lair.

337. Somewhere I can take naps and watch Housewives.

338. Do you think I could fit a Jacuzzi in there?

339. Do you think you should be doing that on school grounds?

340. Do you think you should be doing what you did on church grounds?

341. Hey! Superintendent Collins. You remember me?

342. - Gregory Eddie. - Mm.

343. Of course.

344. You gave a really good interview.

345. I thought so, yeah.

346. You interviewed for this job?

347. Oh, damn! What happened?

348. It's hard to say.

349. But you made the right choice here with Ava.

350. I don't even know how to DJ, so...

351. Why you being all weird?

352. I like you better when you're stoic.

353. Keep the mystery, boo.

354. Great hire. Well-deserved.

355. Really, really well-deserved.

356. Another Ava super-fan.

357. - Hey, I'm — - Nina's mom, yeah.

358. The Open House closed at 8:00.

359. It's 8:30, so, no, sorry, you missed it.

360. - I know, but — - No buts.

361. I've been trying to get you in this classroom all year.

362. You had plenty of time to get here.

363. - If you'll let me exp— - I'm tired of excuses.

364. You weren't here when you said you would be.

365. Your kid's having trouble, and are you there for them?

366. No. You're doing whatever you want

367. because the whole world revolves around you.

368. - But — - Just be there for your kid.

369. It's not fair that they have to be

370. more of a grown-up than you are,

371. and the only time you reach out

372. is when you ask for a Disney+ login.

373. Um, I have my own login.

374. And I was stuck in the E.R.

375. There was a guy with a bullet in his groin,

376. and I thought it'd be a good idea to stick around

377. and help him get it out.

378. Is that okay with you?

379. Yeah, yeah. No, that's okay. That's fine with me.

380. I'm just, again, really sorry for what I said.

381. It wasn't about you. It was about me.

382. - I understand. - Just had some

383. experience with parents who aren't really there

384. when their kids need them to be.

385. But, obviously, that isn't you.

386. It isn't. I love Nina.

387. And I'll do whatever it takes to figure this out.

388. Okay! Just wait. I can't let you do this, kid.

389. Why don't we just say we're playing for these chips

390. and not real money?

391. A bet is a bet.

392. I gambled away my house, my car,

393. and my subscription to Horse Fancy.

394. No one ever said, "That's okay, Mr. Johnson.

395. It was an honest mistake."

396. You don't have to treat me like a kid.

397. Okay, kid.

398. But you shoulda listened to me.

399. Read 'em and weep!

400. Not surprised. My cards are trash.

401. - Whoo! - Oh. Darn it!

402. I just have the same four cards.

403. Are you frickin' kidding me?

404. Does that mean I get all the chips?

405. - What was that? - What was what?

406. That right there — that — that smirk.

407. Yeah, he's definitely besmirked.

408. You've played poker before, haven't you?

409. All right, you hustled me.

410. Sorry. Yeah.

411. I'm actually really good at poker.

412. When I did Teachers Without Borders,

413. we had a lot of free time,

414. so we basically would just play cards...

415. and have sex with each other.

416. What's the name of that organization again?

417. You know what? I'm not even mad.

418. I'm impressed.

419. I mean, I will get revenge on you,

420. and you should look over your shoulder

421. for the rest of your life, but... well done.

422. Not getting multiplication tables,

423. difficulty telling time —

424. they're things that can be worked on at home

425. while we continue to work on them here.

426. And I won't leave anyone behind,

427. but I just need it to be a group effort.

428. - I want to work together. - That's all I'm asking.

429. You know, Nina's a smart kid.

430. Like her mom.

431. She just needs some extra attention

432. from all of us at this stage,

433. and once she gets that, she's gonna thrive.

434. She's so lucky to have you. Thank you.

435. Oh. Oh.

436. I hugged you, but...

437. now it feels like you're hugging me.

438. Yeah. I think I need it.

439. Victory lap!

440. Um, you're in a good mood.

441. Ah, yes!

442. The mom I was waiting for finally showed up,

443. and we had this amazing talk, and we're gonna work together,

444. and I really think it's gonna help.

445. Hmm. Well, I'm happy for you.

446. Thank you.

447. Why is your posture not perfect?

448. You okay? Something happen to your core?

449. - My core's fine. - Oh.

450. I'm just... processing some things.

451. Well, we're going out tonight,

452. to celebrate my big teacher win.

453. You know, I forgot for a second,

454. but caring really pays off.

455. So let's get a drink.

456. Ah, Janine, I'm sorry. I can't tonight.

457. Why not?

458. You ready, Greg?

459. - Greg? - This is, uh, Taylor.

460. - She's — - Yeah. Yeah, we met.

461. Uh, but maybe another time.

462. - Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

463. We should go to Burrata. I hear it's amazing.

464. All right.

465. And that concludes the Total Waste of Time Tour.

466. So I guess I'll be seeing you in a couple of weeks

467. at the school board meeting.

468. Yes, you will, and I'll be asking

469. for extra funding for next year,

470. and you will, of course, give it to me.

471. Well, I'm not so sure about that,

472. because, Ava, that's my wife come to pick me up.

473. That's not your wife. That's the woman that you —

474. Married?

475. Yeah, I got divorced and remarried to the Deaconess.

476. So all you saw me doing was kissing my future wife.

477. But if your presentation to the school board

478. is anything like that tour,

479. you're in a lot of trouble.

480. You ready, baby?

481. Hey, Ava!

482. Do you want to go celebrate with me?

483. Girl, you know I can't be seen in public with you.

484. Okay, a simple "no" would be fine.

485. Damn. I'm gonna miss being annoyed by you.

486. Does that mean I'm getting less annoying, or...?

487. No, it means I'm about to get fired.

488. Maybe they won't be. Who knows.

489. I mean, I know, but I'm hungry.

490. Have a good night, and be safe.

491. Well, looks like your work mom is free.

492. How about dinner?

493. Is this really happening?

494. Okay, sorry.

495. Play it cool, Janine.

496. I would love that.

497. - Come on. - Okay.

498. So, how did the conversation go with the parent?

499. Oh, you know what? Surprisingly well.

500. I — I was shocked. Uh...

501. - Wonderful. - Yeah.

502. DJ A-V-A.

503. A-A-A-A-A-A!

504. Gotta turn the lights off, Mary J.

505. Captions by VITAC —