A Series of Unfortunate Events 2x7

1. My name is Lemony Snicket and I am on the lam,

2. a phrase which here means

3. "conveying this information to you while being relentlessly pursued by the law."

4. Being on the lam is a disheartening and an uncomfortable way to live,

5. not unlike being squeezed into a tight, dark box...

6. tossed at high speed from a moving vehicle...

7. and abandoned on a dusty patch of road,

8. tormented by doubt and unsure of where you are going,

9. which, if you are on the lam, is often the only way to travel.

10. Baudelaires, too, found themselves on the lam.

11. Tormented by doubt and unsure of where they were going.

12. Especially when their fire truck ran out of gas deep in the Hinterlands,

13. a term which here means

14. "a desolate place unlikely to bring their troubles to an end."

15. Oh.

16. But your own troubles could be over this instant

17. if you are sensible enough to halt this dire programming

18. by pressing any nearby button marked "stop."

19. I beg you, look away from this sorry tale now.

20. This may be your last chance.

21. "Last Chance General Store." An ominous name.

22. It probably means it's the only building around for miles.

23. I guess a last chance is better than no chance.

24. Let's see what we can find.

25. "Out of gas"?

26. Out of order.

27. Should we go inside?

28. If anyone read the paper, they'll know we're on the lam.

29. If we keep wandering, we'll die of thirst and/or exposure.

30. And/or Count Olaf.

31. This store has a telegraph machine.

32. Is that you, Lou?

33. - No. - Be right with you.

34. I'm stacking day-old pastries.

35. We were hoping to send a telegram.

36. See the porcelain kittens there?

37. It's not that aisle.

38. Turn right at the brooms, left at the fishing poles.

39. You look familiar. Have I seen you kids before?

40. - We're child actors. - No, that's not it.

41. Oh, well. It'll come to me.

42. That shopkeeper recognized us.

43. We need to hurry. Who should we telegraph?

44. I was thinking Mr. Poe's office.

45. Mr. Poe thinks we're murderers.

46. His wife's the one writing those stories about us.

47. Lou, is that you? Oh, sorry. I'll be right with you, mister.

48. Mr. Poe might not be much help, but his secretary might be.

49. You tap out the words while I dictate.

50. Sunny, you listen to make sure the message goes through.

51. Remember to say "stop" after every sentence.

52. What do we say?

53. To Mulctuary Money Management. Stop. Attention, Mr. Poe. Stop.

54. Stop.

55. Hello, hello, hello.

56. Sir! Sir, we need help!

57. Hold on. My hands are full of pastries.

58. Hiya, Lou.

59. Milt, put down those scones and look at the headline.

60. "Murderous orphans spotted in the Hinterlands."

61. Murderers? Oh, dear.

62. I know those kids. They're in my store right now.

63. What do they look like?

64. They look like innocent children, but they're vicious killers.

65. - You scared us, mister. - Thank you.

66. Excuse us. We're trying to catch some murderer kids.

67. So am I.

68. And when I was 14, I was crowned False Spring Queen.

69. We had this ceremony with my Snow Scout troupe

70. at the top of a mountain.

71. They did a dance around a pole.

72. It's where I discovered my love of pole dancing.

73. Klaus, look.

74. We don't know what it stands for. - We can't go back in.

75. What choice do we have?

76. Then, on the way down the mountain,

77. we stayed in a cave full of hibernating bears,

78. which, incidentally, is when I discovered my great love of fur.

79. Ah, volunteers?

80. Hop on in.

81. - Are you okay, mister?

82. They blindsided me with beads.

83. They also stole some snacks and a visor.

84. Where'd they go?

85. There's only one place that road leads to.

86. Heimlich Hospital.

87. That's where the sugar bowl is. The librarian told me.

88. Exactly, my pet.

89. Those brats are obviously after the sugar bowl, too.

90. What does that mean?

91. We can grab them and the sugar bowl in one fell swoop.

92. How, darling? You're on the lam.

93. Au contrary. I'm dead.

94. How delicious.

95. You're dead.

96. And the Baudelaires are wanted for your murder.

97. Thanks to those idiots at the Daily Punctilio,

98. I'm a free man.

99. I thought we were officially dating.

100. Yeah, I don't really like labels. Follow that van!

101. Um...

102. Oh!

103. Hiya.

104. - Are you VFD? - We certainly are.

105. Can you tell us what VFD stands for?

106. We certainly can.

107. Gosh, I love that song.

108. So VFD stands for Volunteers Fighting Disease?

109. Yes. We're on our way to fight disease at Heimlich Hospital down the road.

110. You're welcome to join us, brothers and sisters.

111. I called you "brother" and "sister"

112. because we believe that all people are brothers and sisters.

113. Usually, brothers and sisters share the same parents.

114. Not always, brother.

115. We're looking for a group called VFD, we just don't think you're the one.

116. You need the Library of Records.

117. The Library of Records?

118. It's a huge room in the hospital with files from all over the world,

119. containing answers to any question you could possibly have.

120. Or so I've heard. Never been in the place myself.

121. - This hospital does seem safe. I hope so.

122. I heard there were murderers around these parts.

123. Did you read that in the newspaper?

124. No. We never read the newspaper. It's too depressing.

125. - Our motto is... No news is good news.

126. - We're here! We're here! - Now we get to help people...

127. Let's go, let's go.

128. I've never liked hospitals.

129. It's half a hospital.

130. [in high-pitched voice] No frowny faces, okay?

131. Being cheerful is the point of Volunteers Fighting Disease.

132. What exactly will we be doing?

133. Mostly, we wander the halls, singing songs

134. and handing out heart-shaped balloons to each person on our list.

135. Like the song says. - How does that help fight diseases?

136. Hey, everyone.

137. Our new sister wants to know how singing songs fights diseases.

138. Well, because...

139. Because when you're laughing, you're...

140. When you're laughing, you're taking in oxygen or whatever,

141. and that oxygen goes, um...

142. A cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness.

143. I thought antibiotics were.

144. - Come on, everybody!

145. - We have to find that Library of Records. - Before Olaf finds us.

146. Baudelaires, Baudelaires.

147. Wherever you go, I'm always one step behind you.

148. Not to be melodramatic, but if those brats get the sugar bowl before I do,

149. I'm going to gouge my own eyes out

150. and yours and yours and yours, and all eight of yours.

151. Oi.

152. It'll be a breeze, my sweet.

153. The Baudelaires and the sugar bowl are hiding in the same hospital.

154. Hmm...

155. I think it's time for a game of "doctors and nurses."

156. That game makes me uncomfortable.

157. [white-faced women] Hmm...

158. Man with beard, check.

159. Other volunteers, check.

160. Here's today's patient list, which, as you know,

161. is a complete list of patients at Heimlich.

162. - Thanks, sister. - My name is Babs.

163. How will we find the Library of Records?

164. Oh.

165. How are we gonna get inside? I'll talk our way in.

166. Sunny's right. Everyone's read the Daily Punctilio.

167. We're bound to be recognized.

168. Is someone there?

169. My eyesight isn't what it used to be, but you appear to be children.

170. Maybe not everyone. We're volunteers.

171. Ooh, well, you have come to the right place.

172. My name is Hal and I have been working here at the Library of Records

173. for more years than I'd care to count.

174. Someone should count for me before my eyesight completely goes.

175. Did Babs send you?

176. - We're happy to be of assistance. Excellent.

177. Then come right in and I'll explain everything.

178. Leave the talking to me.

179. We can both talk. We're a team of big-deal, snazzy doctors.

180. You're a nurse. Plus, no one'll believe you went to medical school.

181. I could have gone to medical school. I love cadavers.

182. You got your master's in theater and you picked the wrong costume.

183. They'll believe you went to medical school?

184. Medical school?

185. Dr. Medical School.

186. Hello, I'm Dr. Mattathias Medical School,

187. and these are my nurses, interns or whatever.

188. - Hello. - Dr. Medical School, you say?

189. I don't have you on my list.

190. Goodness. Oh, dear.

191. Oh, goodness me.

192. What's wrong with this one?

193. I have lists for visitors and staff on my very important clipboard.

194. If you're not on the list, you can't come in.

195. - Sounds like a paperwork mistake. - Oh...

196. A paperwork mistake?

197. Yeah. Okay. Yes. That does make sense. Okay.

198. Of course it is. Here's my medical ID pass badge.

199. Yes. Yes, that seems credible.

200. Well, with the hospital only half-finished,

201. we have to be vigilant about keeping out intruders

202. like raccoons or murderers.

203. I completely understand. I'm a doctor.

204. Well, I guess it's okay to say, "Welcome to Heimlich Hospital."

205. I'm Babs, head of human resources and hospital administration.

206. I'm also head of party planning, so...

207. Nice to meet you, Babs.

208. I'm Dr. Thing That I Said Before.

209. See you around the operating theater.

210. You can't go yet.

211. You'll need to sign and initial this form in triplicate...

212. - and the next 15 in quadruplicate. - Quadru...

213. How about I don't sign them and you let me wander around anyway?

214. Well, then I'd need to call the authorities on you, mister.

215. Of course.

216. Paperwork makes the world go round.

217. I thought money did that.

218. Oh!

219. You.

220. Paperwork is the cornerstone of what we do here at Heimlich Hospital.

221. Not diagnosing? Or alleviating pain?

222. You couldn't do those things

223. without first typing the details on specialized forms,

224. which must be on clipboards

225. until it's time to file them in special folders.

226. Here is where the paperwork comes to live forever

227. and thus is the hospital's beating heart.

228. I wouldn't show this to just anyone,

229. but you look like people I feel I can trust.

230. - Well, it's very impressive. - Thank you.

231. I organized everything myself.

232. Now, not only does Heimlich Hospital store their information here,

233. but people send me files from all over the world.

234. Why send it to a hospital?

235. There's no safer place to store information than at Heimlich Hospital.

236. Why, you can find information on everything

237. from picture frames to pills,

238. puddings to pyramids, and that's just the "P" aisle.

239. Think of everything we could learn from these files.

240. No, no, no.

241. We file information, not read it.

242. I don't wanna see you touching a file unless you're putting it away.

243. The information we hold here is of the utmost importance.

244. That's why I keep these cabinets locked with my special keys.

245. "Library of Records."

246. I bet those brats are hiding there, with their dumb noses in books.

247. They're drawn to libraries like a cat to catnip

248. or a hobo to a dying possum.

249. - Then the sugar bowl might be there too. - We—

250. It's very, very, very important to me.

251. Yes, dear. I know. You've mentioned it several times.

252. Beatrice stole it from me. I won't rest until it's stolen back.

253. And if I don't get my hands on the sugar bowl...

254. I don't know what I'll do.

255. - She's beautiful. - And terrifying.

256. This chute is where files go out, but you won't use it much.

257. Once paperwork comes into the library, it rarely goes out.

258. It hasn't been used in years. It's probably full of spiders.

259. Now, most of your work will involve that chute over there,

260. where the files come in.

261. You may glance at the file,

262. but remember to read as little information as possible.

263. For instance...

264. I can tell you this file has something to do with

265. weather last week at Damocles Dock, on the shore of a lake somewhere.

266. So, I would unlock the cabinet for

267. "D,"Damocles," or "W,"weather," or "L,"last week."

268. Wouldn't it be difficult for people to find the information?

269. They wouldn't know whether to look in "D,"W" or "L."

270. They'd have to look in all three.

271. The Library of Records has very strict rules against checking out files.

272. I'd like to check out a child.

273. I mean "file."

274. And you are?

275. Dr. Mattathias Medical School, at your service.

276. - Do you have credentials? - Here's my medical ID pass badge.

277. I'm doing important research on botulism and I would like to consult some folders.

278. What sub-department are you with?

279. Did I say "botulism"? I meant annoying little pimples.

280. That sounds like a bona fide request.

281. - A "bony" what? - "Fide."

282. I'd be more than happy to show you our files.

283. You would?

284. File an application for folder clearance to the hospital administration

285. and wait seven to ten business days for approval.

286. - Oh, really? - Yes, really. Now, goodbye.

287. He's obviously hiding them. He could barely look me in the eyes.

288. Maybe he has poor eyesight.

289. Their filthy hands are all over my sugar bowl.

290. - What are we going to do? - Plan number B.

291. "Dr. Medical School." I've never heard of anything so preposterous.

292. Neither have we.

293. Did you see his badge? It looked hand-laminated.

294. Listen, children.

295. The Library of Records must be protected at all costs.

296. We cannot allow anyone unsavory near our precious files.

297. Do you understand? Of course you do.

298. You're just like me.

299. I never liked wandering down the halls singing about diseases.

300. That's why I wound up here, happy with my files, my paperwork.

301. And you're just the same, aren't you?

302. No wonder I trust you completely.

303. I'm going to file you under "M..."

304. for "my friends."

305. There's nothing like the sound of a file coming down that chute.

306. It looks like a film. - Yes, a lot of our files are films.

307. We have projectors along the south wall for anyone who wants to view them,

308. but no one does because no one's allowed.

309. Could you excuse me?

310. There're very specific instructions about where to file anything labeled "Snicket."

311. Wait here.

312. Snicket, as in Jacques Snicket.

313. - The man who was trying to help us. - Who Count Olaf murdered.

314. - Hal. - Yes?

315. We need to look at a file.

316. Our job is to file files, not examine them.

317. - This particular file is very important. - It's a matter of life and death.

318. Life and death? That does sound important.

319. But rules are important too. I'm sorry, children.

320. Attention. This is Babs,

321. head of human resources, hospital administration

322. and the party planning committee.

323. Due to budget cuts,

324. the cafeteria will be closing in nine minutes,

325. the gift shop in three minutes

326. and the Library of Records right this very second.

327. Looks like you can't see that file after all.

328. - Ahh!

329. Oh! You scared us.

330. I was practicing.

331. Everyone, it's showtime.

332. Take your positions at the X-ray Alcove in Colon Corridor.

333. That will force her into the Leprosy Elevator Bank.

334. Places, people, places!

335. It's great you haven't given up on theater.

336. - Even though you can't audition... - Seeing that you're dead.

337. I said places!

338. Tonight's production of Let's Scare Babs to Death is about to begin.

339. What am I supposed to do with this?

340. How odd and oddly frightening.

341. Hmm.

342. Oh, my.

343. Hello? Who's there?

344. - Hello, Babs. Come and play with us.

345. Excuse me. I just need to go the other way.

346. I forgot my paperwork.

347. Get a hold of yourself.

348. You're head of human resources and hospital administration,

349. for goodness' sake.

350. And also party planning.

351. Thunder, go.

352. Lightning, go.

353. - More thunder.

354. Oh, that's my cue.

355. Oh! Dr. Medical School, it's you.

356. Please, Babs.

357. Dr. Medical School was my mother. Call me Mattathias.

358. Yes, Mattathias.

359. Are you quite all right, Babs?

360. Sorry, I'm afraid I gave myself a bit of a scare.

361. Yes, well, hospitals can be scary places, can't they?

362. We've got to find a way to see the Snicket file.

363. We'll try Hal again in the morning.

364. At least this place has beds we can sleep in tonight.

365. This is Babs,

366. head of human resources, hospital administration

367. and the party planning committee.

368. I'd just like to announce my unexpected, super early retirement.

369. My replacement will begin immediately.

370. I'll take these, thank you.

371. You'll never get away with this.

372. The paperwork alone is beyond your abilities.

373. Thank you, Babs.

374. You certainly appreciate all my hard work over these years.

375. Greetings, Heimlich Hospital.

376. This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School with an emergency news bulletin.

377. Some murderers have been spotted in the hospital,

378. so we will be conducting a thorough check of each and every bed

379. until they've been caught.

380. After all, no one wants to be murdered to death in their sleep.

381. Good night and sweet dreams.

382. He's taking over the hospital.

383. We'll find somewhere in the hospital they won't look.

384. Can they still hear me? Is there a button...

385. Oh, here's the button.

386. The unfinished wing.

387. If there are no walls, there can't be any security cameras.

388. - Find those orphans. - Find the sugar bowl.

389. - We'd better split up. - Uh-huh.

390. Come on, orphans, where are you?

391. This way's clear.

392. This hospital gives me the creeps.

393. I don't care if it's dark and scary. You are not coming back here

394. until you've searched each and every ward from acne to zinc deficiency.

395. And stop waving into the camera.

396. [hook-handed man] Baudelaires. Baudelaires.

397. Baudelaires.

398. Oh, Baudelaires.

399. Baudelaires.

400. I hate boring television.

401. I see movement. Turn left.

402. Your other left. Your other, other left.

403. - You didn't find anything? - No, and I looked really hard.

404. No vending machine in this hospital has parsley soda.

405. They did have this hot brown stuff.

406. It burns my insides, but I've had three cupsful.

407. It makes me feel alive.

408. You should be looking for the orphans.

409. I'm not one of your hench-people. You don't pay me, so you can't yell at me.

410. Actually, I don't pay them either.

411. I would like to find the sugar bowl and get out of here.

412. The smell of hospitals depresses me.

413. We're not leaving until we find the Baudelaires.

414. Careful. Good thing we're at a hospital.

415. Watch your step, Sunny.

416. Will this be the worst place we've ever slept?

417. At this point, it's hard to say.

418. I did all the heavy lifting in Crow Town,

419. I caught Babs, I'm the one who looks great in a hat,

420. so I'm going to retrieve that sugar bowl

421. while you stand around staring at hallways.

422. If you think you can do any better, then be my guest.

423. Fine. I'll just slip into something more frightening

424. and I'll have that sugar bowl.

425. That's easier said than done.

426. You haven't seen my outfit. Move it, losers.

427. I liked it so much better before Yoko showed up.

428. Just about everything in this world is easier said than done,

429. with the exception of

430. "assisting Sisyphus's cyst-susceptible sister,"

431. which is easier done than said.

432. Finding a safe place is easier said than done.

433. That's exactly what the Baudelaires managed to do.

434. Still, they knew by now that safety is only temporary.

435. We can't stay here all night. Olaf is looking for us.

436. We can't keep wandering hoping things will get better.

437. We're part of a mystery. We'll never be free till we figure it out.

438. Did you find anything in Duncan and Isadora's notes?

439. Just codes and poems.

440. The damage from the harpoon gun made them hard to decipher.

441. We need to see that file.

442. How can we get it?

443. We can't. Hal trusts us.

444. And I studied the locks.

445. They'd be difficult to pick without equipment.

446. We could steal his keys.

447. Our parents would be disappointed.

448. They'd know we were doing what's necessary.

449. Or they'd think we were criminals. Like the newspaper says.

450. It's a moral dilemma.

451. Attention. This is Dr. Mattathias Medical School.

452. Bed searches will continue until the murderers have been found.

453. Also, if anyone in the hospital has any valuables of any kind...

454. Please bring them to the human resources office immediately.

455. Thank you. - Thank you.

456. What nonsense.

457. Murderers don't sleep at night. They're wracked with guilt.

458. Hal! Please be careful.

459. Don't worry about me, child. I have the balance of a blind cat.

460. I can see that.

461. I made you children some chicken soup from an old family recipe.

462. - Just the thing for a night like this. - That's very kind of you.

463. Let me take that. How did you know we were here?

464. You're just like me.

465. I used to love to sleep under the stars when I was a boy.

466. We put up tents in our backyard.

467. Mother and Father would help us make s'mores over an open fire.

468. Where are your parents now?

469. They're dead.

470. I'm sorry, children.

471. I know how dark and lonely the world must feel.

472. But you can always find a kind person

473. who's willing to shine a light on you when you need it.

474. Eventually, you'll learn to shine a light on others in need.

475. This is not a show about me.

476. But if it were, instead of telling you how the Baudelaires

477. were about to have an incident in the library

478. that gives me the heebie-jeebies when I think of it at night,

479. I might pause and tell you about something I did

480. many years ago that still troubles me.

481. It was necessary, but not nice

482. and even now, I get a pang of guilt.

483. This doesn't feel right.

484. Even now, I ask myself, "Was it really necessary?"

485. - Was it absolutely necessary

486. to steal that sugar bowl from Esmé Squalor?

487. What choice do we have?

488. The Baudelaires were experiencing similar pangs that evening

489. as they were about to double-cross a man who almost certainly didn't deserve it.

490. What? Who? Yes, I may have slipped off there for a sec.

491. I suggest we all get some sleep.

492. Paperwork awaits us in the morning. Wait, where are my keys?

493. Here. I'll put them in your pocket.

494. So happy I found trustworthy and loyal assistants.

495. Never in my life did I think

496. I would trust anyone as much as I trust you three.

497. Good night, children. I shall file you under "P,"

498. for "people I trust most in this world."

499. - Good night, Hal. - Good night, Hal.

500. - I feel terrible about this. - One day, we'll apologize and explain.

501. Yeah.

502. But until then?

503. We better hurry. Olaf could be watching right now.

504. Hal had specific instructions about where to file something labeled "Snicket."

505. We'll start with "S."

506. "Secretary to sediment."

507. "Shed to sheepshank."

508. "Shellac to sherbet."

509. "Sludge to smoke."

510. "Snack to snifter."

511. That's the one.

512. No Snicket.

513. It's worth a try.

514. "Hackneyed to Haystack."

515. "Index to Irony."

516. "Jabberwocky to Jazzercize."

517. That's the one.

518. Nothing.

519. I'm tired of not understanding what's going on.

520. - Missing files. - Mysterious guardians.

521. That tunnel that led to our house.

522. Do you think that could be it?

523. We may not know what it stands for, but it's important.

524. How's your brother?

525. Dead or on the lam. Either way, he doesn't mind.

526. Jacques. - I never thought we'd see him again.

527. - Are we rolling? - We're rolling.

528. This is the debriefing of Jacques Snicket.

529. Mr. Snicket, I need you to lay out, in excruciating detail,

530. what you know about Olaf, this rash of fires,

531. and anything we need to know about the orphans.

532. I should start at the beginning.

533. But before I do, I have an important update.

534. There may have been a survivor of the fire.

535. Did he say...

536. - Did you say— - That's right.

537. One of our parents could still be alive.

538. I'm wild about movies. Now, who wants popcorn?

539. Go!

540. Dang these stiletto heels!

541. - We've gotta get out of here. - Not without that film.

542. Then we have to get it.

543. I'm filing you under "S" for "smashed flat!"

544. You and Sunny head for the door. I'll get the film and catch up.

545. Peek-a-boo, I see you.

546. These shoes!

547. The door's blocked. There's no way out.

548. But you don't have to hide from me, children.

549. Maybe we can help each other.

550. You see, I'm looking for something.

551. Small, round...

552. Full of secrets.

553. Jacques Snicket thought he could hide it from me.

554. But now he's dead.

555. We can make it to the mail chute.

556. And I want it!

557. I was thinking the same.

558. - Did you get it? - I got it.

559. Look out!

560. - Violet? - I'm okay.

561. Esmé wants this. We can't let her have it.

562. - I'll find you. - I knew you had it!

563. You're all alone, Violet. How does it feel?

564. The hardest part of life on the lam is to keep moving,

565. often in a direction that seems wrong, dangerous

566. or an agonizing combination of both.

567. Sometimes, as in this moment in the life of Violet,

568. there simply isn't any other choice to make,

569. even if you end up regretting your actions for the rest of your life,

570. however short that may be.

571. Give it to me!

572. I will let you go. I promise!

573. You're a terrible actress.

574. Come to Mother.

575. Hello, hello, hello.

576. Isn't it wonderful when we work together?