1. - We didn't find the Quagmires.
- Not yet.Copy !req
2. They could be anywhere.Copy !req
3. Anywhere but 667 Dark Avenue,
so we learned something.Copy !req
4. Not enough.Copy !req
5. Those poor children,
they must be so scared right now,Copy !req
6. and all alone.Copy !req
7. You found us.Copy !req
8. This story is not about a happy reunion.Copy !req
9. I'm so happy to see you.Copy !req
10. I've never been so happy to see anyone.Copy !req
11. I've read hundreds of newspaper articles,
diaries,Copy !req
12. and more than one
lavishly illustrated catalogCopy !req
13. in an attempt to understand the sad story
of the Baudelaire orphans.Copy !req
14. The horrors I have found
are best expressed not with wordsCopy !req
15. but with a sound you'll hear
later in this episode.Copy !req
16. It's the sound
of a long scream in the dark.Copy !req
17. As the Baudelaires rejoiced
at finding their friends...Copy !req
18. - How did you find us?
- It was Klaus' idea.Copy !req
19. It was Violet's invention.Copy !req
20. They had no inkling of the terror...Copy !req
21. the horror...Copy !req
22. and the dramatic fall
they would experienceCopy !req
23. in this elevator shaftCopy !req
24. before this episode
in their lives was over.Copy !req
25. If you continue to watch,
you may find yourself screaming as well.Copy !req
26. Can you pick this lock?Copy !req
27. Not without any tools.
I wish I could see what's down here.Copy !req
28. Try this.Copy !req
29. See the markings? If you line them up...Copy !req
30. And give it
a half-turn counterclockwise.Copy !req
31. We learned that in The Incomplete
History of Secret Organizations.Copy !req
32. You found it?Copy !req
33. Right before we were kidnapped.
We took as many notes as we could.Copy !req
34. We may be kidnap victims,
but I'm still a journalist.Copy !req
35. - We've learned many haunting secrets.
- About our parents. And your parents, too.Copy !req
36. We were right. Everything is connected.Copy !req
37. - Well, what did you learn?Copy !req
38. Tell us when you're safe.Copy !req
39. We heard Olaf's plan.Copy !req
40. He'll hide us in an item at the In Auction
and sneak us out of the city tomorrow.Copy !req
41. No, he's not.
You're coming with us, right now.Copy !req
42. I think it's an electromagnetic circuit.
It's not just light, it's heat.Copy !req
43. I wonder...Copy !req
44. The Incomplete History
of Secret OrganizationsCopy !req
45. said it can be used
for all sorts of things.Copy !req
46. Maybe it can melt the lock.Copy !req
47. - Did it melt?
No. It just got hotter.Copy !req
48. It's not gonna work.
I can feel it overheating.Copy !req
49. There must be something else you can use.Copy !req
50. Can you hand me that newspaper?Copy !req
51. Heat rises.Copy !req
52. What?Copy !req
53. - We have to go back to that penthouse.
- You're leaving?Copy !req
54. We're gonna find something there
to get you out.Copy !req
55. Gather the handkerchief
as tight as you can.Copy !req
56. - I see what you mean. Heat rises.
- And so will we.Copy !req
57. Sunny and I should stay here.Copy !req
58. No, Klaus. Help your sister.
Just come back soon.Copy !req
59. - We will.
- We promise.Copy !req
60. You saved us at Prufrock.
We'd be in Olaf's clutches if not for you.Copy !req
61. - So I'm sure you know.
- What?Copy !req
62. What friends are for.Copy !req
63. Hey! You!
Is just handsome foreign manCopy !req
64. and pretty lady dragging
someone unconscious, please.Copy !req
65. I thought it might be
something suspicious.Copy !req
66. There's still a citywide manhunt.
Did you have a nice evening, Mrs. Squalor?Copy !req
67. Oh, my, yes.Copy !req
68. There's nothing quite like
a luxurious 46-course lunchCopy !req
69. followed by hot pickled fish
and lengthy musical numbers.Copy !req
70. - You flatter me, please.Copy !req
71. Now drag the snoring husband upstairs,
pretty lady.Copy !req
72. - I must make arrangements here.
- Righto.Copy !req
73. - Come on, Jerome. Up, up!Copy !req
74. Sorry for being suspicious.Copy !req
75. You can't be too careful
with an actor on the loose.Copy !req
76. I couldn't agree more.Copy !req
77. Let's hope we make it to the top
before the Squalors and Olaf get home.Copy !req
78. Can you smell smoke?Copy !req
79. The handkerchief!Copy !req
80. The fabric is burning.
The heat is too intense.Copy !req
81. - What do we do?
- I need to moderate the temperature.Copy !req
82. It has to be hot enough to rise
but not so hot that it burns.Copy !req
83. That sounds very specific.Copy !req
84. How far from the top are we?
- Not close enough.Copy !req
85. How high up are we?Copy !req
86. I'm gonna fix this.Copy !req
87. Come on.Copy !req
88. If I turn it on and off,
it might stabilize.Copy !req
89. Okay, okay. It's... it's working.Copy !req
90. If we maintain a consistent heat level,
we should make it.Copy !req
91. For a second, I thought we—Copy !req
92. Sunny.Copy !req
93. I saw a circular saw in the penthouse.
We can use it to cut the bars.Copy !req
94. - Olaf.
- He can't know we've found them.Copy !req
95. Jerome!
- What happened to him?Copy !req
96. Nothing to worry about, darlings.
He just collapsed in the middle of dinner.Copy !req
97. - Collapsed?
- Fell sound asleep.Copy !req
98. You should be asleep, too.
It's whatever time it is.Copy !req
99. - Is Gunther here?
- Who? No, no.Copy !req
100. Do you smell something? Like a...Copy !req
101. school librarian smell?Copy !req
102. - Jerome, wake up.
- Let him rest.Copy !req
103. Sleep is natural,
like cosmetics or frivolous lawsuits.Copy !req
104. - We need to tell him something important.
- Tell me. I'm important.Copy !req
105. And you're important to me.Copy !req
106. I know I seem
like an insanely powerful womanCopy !req
107. who spends too much time at work
and too much money on earrings.Copy !req
108. But I'm also your guardian.
You can tell me anything.Copy !req
109. Well, you might not believe us.Copy !req
110. Try me.Copy !req
111. "Opening night at Herring Houdini was
a success the size of the Hindenburg."Copy !req
112. "This fishy, very in restaurant
attracted a crowd rangingCopy !req
113. from the city's most prominent bankers
to the most prominent financial advisors."Copy !req
114. - Herring Houdini.
It's me, idiot.Copy !req
115. - Oh, hey!
- Something's fishy.Copy !req
116. Why are you hanging
around that restaurant?Copy !req
117. - I'm sorry.
- There's a new plan.Copy !req
118. - Get a big net. And fast. Goodbye.
- The biggest net we can find. Okay. Bye.Copy !req
119. He already hung up. Okay.Copy !req
120. Hey! Get the net!Copy !req
121. This is terrible. Let me understand.
Gunther is Olaf in disguise?Copy !req
122. His boot covers his tattoo,
and his sunglasses hide his eyebrow.Copy !req
123. He's hidden your friends in a cage
at the bottom of my elevator.Copy !req
124. There's no elevator
behind those doors. It's ersatz.Copy !req
125. Gesundheit.Copy !req
126. He plans to sneak them
out of town at the In AuctionCopy !req
127. by hiding them inside an item
in this glossy, classy catalog?Copy !req
128. This is the least in thing
I have ever heard.Copy !req
129. This is a complicated plot.Copy !req
130. I'm surprised children
like yourselves figured it out.Copy !req
131. Your bravery and smarts are remarkable.
I need a drink.Copy !req
132. Parsley soda.Copy !req
133. The Daily Punctilio says it's
the innest thing since aqueous martinis.Copy !req
134. - Try it.
- No, thank—Copy !req
135. Try it.Copy !req
136. - What do you think?
- It tastes like parsley.Copy !req
137. Isn't it remarkable?
I taste the same thing.Copy !req
138. - Mrs. Squalor—
- Esmé.Copy !req
139. - Esmé.
- I know what you're going to say.Copy !req
140. There isn't time
to drink savory beverages.Copy !req
141. We must end this terrible scheme.Copy !req
142. We will have Gunther arrested
and the Quagmires set free.Copy !req
143. Put down your drinks.
There's no time to waste.Copy !req
144. We've got to tell the police
as quickly as possible.Copy !req
145. Luckily,
the nearest police station isn't far away.Copy !req
146. It's too bad we've got to
take all those stairs again.Copy !req
147. We could slide down the banister,Copy !req
148. which would be quicker,
though less dignified.Copy !req
149. Oh! I know! We'll take the elevator.Copy !req
150. In times of dire circumstance,Copy !req
151. I have to remind myself that whatever
distress or heartbreak I might experience,Copy !req
152. I can take some comfort that I am not,
as the Baudelaires once were,Copy !req
153. falling down an elevator shaft
for an interminable amount of time...Copy !req
154. only to land
with a sort of panicky relief into a net.Copy !req
155. - We're okay.
- What?Copy !req
156. We're okay. We landed in a net.Copy !req
157. We're not okay. We're not half-okay.Copy !req
158. We're not even 1/27th okay.Copy !req
159. Our friends are kidnappedCopy !req
160. and our guardian threw us
down an elevator shaft!Copy !req
161. We're alive.Copy !req
162. You are alive, Baudelaires,
but you are definitely not okay.Copy !req
163. You and the Quagmires
are going to be smuggled out of town,Copy !req
164. and I can guarantee
that you orphans will never be okay again!Copy !req
165. What...Copy !req
166. Line?Copy !req
167. "What a wonderful—"
- Yes, yes, yes.Copy !req
168. What a wonderful and profitable day!Copy !req
169. Count Olaf, my former acting coach,Copy !req
170. will finally get his hands on not one
but two enormous fortunes!Copy !req
171. - Your former acting coach?Copy !req
172. You knew Gunther's identity
the entire time?Copy !req
173. Course I did. I'm an actor.Copy !req
174. I was acting.Copy !req
175. I had to fool you
and my dim-witted husbandCopy !req
176. into thinking he was an auctioneer.Copy !req
177. You really are starting
to grow as a thesbian.Copy !req
178. Thesbian?Copy !req
179. Well, I do love horses.Copy !req
180. You are our guardian!Copy !req
181. You're supposed to keep us safe,
not throw us down elevator shafts,Copy !req
182. work with villains
and try to steal our fortune!Copy !req
183. But I want to steal from you.Copy !req
184. I want to steal from you
the way Beatrice stole from me!Copy !req
185. What did you say?Copy !req
186. - I barely know anything about any of this.
- Let me bring you up to speed.Copy !req
187. The Quagmire kidnapping
is the result of a murderCopy !req
188. which is the result of an arson,
a moving violation,Copy !req
189. a misdemeanor, two poison darts,
three civil suits and a stolen object.Copy !req
190. The world is complicated.Copy !req
191. - That's usually the case.
- Maybe I'm not cut out for this.Copy !req
192. Maybe I should go back to my library,
where things are safe and organized,Copy !req
193. if also lonely and unfulfilled.Copy !req
194. As a cab driver, I have to take you
where you want to go.Copy !req
195. But as a volunteer,
I don't want to take you back to Prufrock.Copy !req
196. - You're needed, Olivia Caliban.
- Why?Copy !req
197. I can show you, but once you see it,
it'll be hard to turn back.Copy !req
198. Is it far?Copy !req
199. I'll have to turn back.
Hang on to something sturdy.Copy !req
200. A story that began with a stolen object,
a moving violation, a misdemeanor,Copy !req
201. two poison darts and three civil suits,
settled out of court...Copy !req
202. Ends with three orphans in a netCopy !req
203. and two more being dragged
to the auction house.Copy !req
204. I love a happy ending.Copy !req
205. It's like Wuthering Heights,
which I never read.Copy !req
206. Olaf, darling, it's been
so lonely living in a penthouseCopy !req
207. with nothing but insane wealth and luxury,Copy !req
208. and a husband I married
for complicated reasonsCopy !req
209. and also an elevator.Copy !req
210. If I knew adopting the Baudelaires
would bring you back,Copy !req
211. I would've orphaned them myself.Copy !req
212. - To the star of a citywide manhuntCopy !req
213. and the incredibly stylish woman
who found him again after all this time.Copy !req
214. To us, my darling,
and to the taste of victory.Copy !req
215. What's in this?Copy !req
216. - It's parsley, darling. Parsley soda.
- Parsley? Why would...Copy !req
217. Hmm...Copy !req
218. Have you never heard of banana daiquiris?Copy !req
219. - Bananas aren't in.
- We'll see about that.Copy !req
220. Now that we've fooled the city
and knocked your husband unconscious,Copy !req
221. I think it's time...Copy !req
222. Oh.Copy !req
223. for a little...Copy !req
224. celebratory dancing.Copy !req
225. - What?
- If you're up for it.Copy !req
226. - Oh.Copy !req
227. Okay, yes. Dancing sounds fun.Copy !req
228. Why? What did you...Copy !req
229. Dancing, yes!
Dancing. That's what I was...Copy !req
230. An evening of dancing.Copy !req
231. - Duncan?
- Isadora?Copy !req
232. Why aren't they answering?Copy !req
233. Maybe Olaf took them
when he set up this net.Copy !req
234. We won't know unless we go down.Copy !req
235. - We could use this net as a climbing rope.
- It might not be long enough.Copy !req
236. - Or strong enough.
- If we can't go down, can we go up?Copy !req
237. The piping is too small to grip.
Unless you had...Copy !req
238. Very small hands.Copy !req
239. - Sunny, no!
- Sunny, it's too dangerous.Copy !req
240. - Sunny, no!
- Sunny!Copy !req
241. I can't believe it.Copy !req
242. That our baby sister
is climbing up an elevator shaftCopy !req
243. - with the help of her teeth?
- I can't believe any of it.Copy !req
244. It may be difficult to believe,
but at any moment,Copy !req
245. someone somewhere is
in a dangerous situationCopy !req
246. and other people in some other place
are dancing and having a good time.Copy !req
247. The world is often like this.Copy !req
248. A celebration here,
terrible trouble just outside the door,Copy !req
249. but elsewhere,
a chance to end a villain's treachery.Copy !req
250. - Let's do some reading.
- A kidnapping underground...Copy !req
251. - It's this way.
- Are you sure? Let me see the map.Copy !req
252. Let us out.
You won't get away with this.Copy !req
253. And in a penthouse...Copy !req
254. a daring escape.Copy !req
255. The management regrets
it cannot allow orphans to escape.Copy !req
256. What does "perfidy" mean?Copy !req
257. Oh.Copy !req
258. You're clever,
and you're good with your teeth.Copy !req
259. Play your cards right, you could join usCopy !req
260. instead of surrendering your fortune
and your life.Copy !req
261. Where do you think you're going? Hey!Copy !req
262. We've been dancing a while.
Maybe we could...Copy !req
263. Twirl? Absolutely.Copy !req
264. Darling, these boots must be killing you.Copy !req
265. - Why don't you unlace them and—
- High kick? I couldn't agree more!Copy !req
266. I'm coming for you, baby!Copy !req
267. - Do you hear something?
- Probably the maracas.Copy !req
268. You are in big trouble!Copy !req
269. What am I supposed to do with this?Copy !req
270. Oh.Copy !req
271. Oh, no!
You're not bribing your way out of this.Copy !req
272. How will I explain
why you're not in that shaft?Copy !req
273. Oh, well, that worked out.Copy !req
274. - I think I found something.
"VFD."Copy !req
275. The Quagmires said it
when they were kidnapped.Copy !req
276. - It must be important.
- Olaf must be using Lot 49Copy !req
277. to smuggle them out of town.Copy !req
278. - What does VFD stand for?
- I wish I knew.Copy !req
279. - You're safe.
- Did you get help?Copy !req
280. - The Devil's Tongue knot?
- The Devil's Tongue knot.Copy !req
281. They're gone. We left them alone,
and we've lost them again.Copy !req
282. We haven't lost them yet.Copy !req
283. We don't know where it goes.
We know where he's taking them.Copy !req
284. Veblen Hall.Copy !req
285. I hope there's a way up soon.
It's almost morning.Copy !req
286. Why would there be a secret passage here?
Do you think Jerome knows?Copy !req
287. I bet Esmé does.
That's probably why Count Olaf knows.Copy !req
288. - What do you think Esmé meant—
- Look.Copy !req
289. Ashes?Copy !req
290. - That was Olaf.
- Are you sure?Copy !req
291. You saw the tattoo. Who else could it be?Copy !req
292. - Now I know.
- Now you know.Copy !req
293. - But a sugar bowl?
- A sugar bowl.Copy !req
294. It's hard to believe something so small
could cause so much devastation.Copy !req
295. Or the loss of so many lives.Copy !req
296. I'm not gonna lie.
What we do is dangerous.Copy !req
297. I've lost friends, associates...Copy !req
298. - Even a brother.
- Then why do it?Copy !req
299. Someone has to take up the torch.Copy !req
300. There are fires all over, Olivia,Copy !req
301. and we need people
who know how to put them out.Copy !req
302. I believe you are one of those people.Copy !req
303. This started with a sugar bowl
stolen from Esmé Squalor,Copy !req
304. but it can end with Count Olaf.Copy !req
305. - You're with us?
- I'm with you.Copy !req
306. - To the bitter end?
- Will it be bitter?Copy !req
307. - We won't know until we get there.
- How fast?Copy !req
308. How fast can you drive?Copy !req
309. Maybe the Quagmires are up there.Copy !req
310. - What?
- How?Copy !req
311. - It's our home.
- Why would there be a secret tunnelCopy !req
312. from an elevator shaft
at 667 Dark Avenue...Copy !req
313. to our home?Copy !req
314. "What does it mean?"Copy !req
315. I wish I could answer
Sunny Baudelaire's important question.Copy !req
316. Opening a secret hatch
into the remains of the Baudelaire homeCopy !req
317. is like opening a mysterious boxCopy !req
318. that I have had in my possession
for many years.Copy !req
319. Inside the box is a map.Copy !req
320. I have spent many hours
going over the dotted linesCopy !req
321. indicating the underground tunnelCopy !req
322. that begins at the ersatz elevator shaft
of 667 Dark AvenueCopy !req
323. and leads to the Baudelaire home.Copy !req
324. - Our parents couldn't have known.
- Could they?Copy !req
325. Sunny's right. We'd better hurry.
The auction already started.Copy !req
326. The auction,
please, has started.Copy !req
327. As you can see, Lot Número One-oCopy !req
328. is a wanted poster for notorious
good-looking villain named Count Olaf.Copy !req
329. Let's start it at five. Do we hear five?Copy !req
330. Five?Copy !req
331. Is that a... No.Copy !req
332. Four and a half? It's beautiful poster.Copy !req
333. We could add a pack of gum.Copy !req
334. Out of the way!
I'm trying to get somewhere quickly.Copy !req
335. Mr. Poe?Copy !req
336. Baudelaires?
Why are you here and so dusty?Copy !req
337. "Baudelaire Orphans
Covered in Ashes!"Copy !req
338. Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!Copy !req
339. There's no time to explain.
You need to give us a ride.Copy !req
340. I can't possibly give you a ride.Copy !req
341. - I'm running late to the In Auction.
- That's where we need to go.Copy !req
342. I don't know, dear.
It says the auction is invitation only.Copy !req
343. Oh, no. It's a charitable function,
so let's be charitable.Copy !req
344. I'll try and get you in as my guests.Copy !req
345. Don't get ashes on the upholstery.Copy !req
346. This red herring fish
will be a lovely addition to any homeCopy !req
347. or place of business or,
how do you say, dentist office lobby.Copy !req
348. - In old country, fish is called seafood.
Good point, Gunther.Copy !req
349. The catalog lists a solid gold salmon,Copy !req
350. but we threw that in the garbage
now that herring is in.Copy !req
351. We need to bid on an item.Copy !req
352. Oh... I don't think so.Copy !req
353. I'm glad you're showing interest
in activities of the upper-middle class,Copy !req
354. but I can't condone spending
large sums of money on frivolous items.Copy !req
355. Look, dear,
a wooden spoon with googly eyes!Copy !req
356. We'll bid high.Copy !req
357. Enjoy the show.Copy !req
358. Halt there. You're not on the list.Copy !req
359. Olaf wants us captured.
If you let us in...Copy !req
360. - That's like capturing us.
- I need to think about this.Copy !req
361. Excuse me, but we're wealthy
and don't like to wait.Copy !req
362. I hear eight and a half.Copy !req
363. Eight and a half from Mr. Fellini.Copy !req
364. I'd like to bid on that red herring
for Herring Houdini, where I work.Copy !req
365. Sold! To restaurant person
for unknown amount to be paid later.Copy !req
366. Next item is Lot 48.Copy !req
367. A vase adorned with flower things.
Very fragile, very in.Copy !req
368. I bid 20!Copy !req
369. We proceed as normal, please,
to the crying of Lot 49.Copy !req
370. - Lot 49. That's VFD.
- We're not too late.Copy !req
371. Can we use our fortune to bid?Copy !req
372. Your parents' will has
no provision for public sales.Copy !req
373. Can't you bid on it for us?
Our friends' lives depend on it.Copy !req
374. You shouldn't use hyperbole.
But I could make a modest bid.Copy !req
375. I did receive that promotion.Copy !req
376. - Yes, you did.
- What in the world is VFD?Copy !req
377. Larry Your-Waiter.
Did you get past the bouncer?Copy !req
378. Not yet. He has to let me in.
I'm on the list.Copy !req
379. Yessica Haircut.Copy !req
380. Our agents infiltrated the auction.Copy !req
381. If we hurry, we can help.Copy !req
382. - I'm going 60 in a 55 zone.
- Floor it.Copy !req
383. This lengthy chronicle of woe
and unpleasantness ends today.Copy !req
384. VFD, of course, needs no introduction,
as is known all over the worldCopy !req
385. in countries that are foreign
and not so foreign.Copy !req
386. - Parsley soda?Copy !req
387. As you see, is prime specimen, this VFD.Copy !req
388. Very large with a few air holes
poked in the top at the last minute.Copy !req
389. Ladies, please turn
the box around on all sidesCopy !req
390. so everyone can see all of the angles.Copy !req
391. Actually, I identify as a man.Copy !req
392. Where is women of advanced age, please?
And the other guy?Copy !req
393. One with, how do you say,
alternative fingers?Copy !req
394. Let's start the bidding.Copy !req
395. Yes, Gunther. That's what
any legitimate auctioneer would do.Copy !req
396. Very well, please.
What is first bid, please?Copy !req
397. I bid 20.Copy !req
398. - Fifty.
- Fifty-five.Copy !req
399. We have a bid of 55 from unhelpful banker.Copy !req
400. Sixty!Copy !req
401. - You're bidding against me.
- It'd look nice in the powder room.Copy !req
402. - Seventy.
- Eighty.Copy !req
403. - Ninety.
- Oh, goodness.Copy !req
404. It's getting expensive.
Are you sure you want it?Copy !req
405. - Please, Mr. Poe.
- Very well, then.Copy !req
406. One hundred. And that's my final offer!Copy !req
407. - 112.
- 113.Copy !req
408. - 119.
- 121.Copy !req
409. 120.Copy !req
410. Darling, 120 is less than 121.Copy !req
411. - It is?
- Yes!Copy !req
412. Okay, sorry. I bid 200.Copy !req
413. - What do I care? It's not my money.Copy !req
414. I'm sorry, but I cannot
let you bid any higher.Copy !req
415. - I don't want to spoil you.
- Let someone else have a turn.Copy !req
416. I have bid of 200, please,
from someone who will be yelled at later.Copy !req
417. - Pack it up and take it away, please.
Not so fast.Copy !req
418. - Jerome?
- Yes, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.Copy !req
419. I could not get off the sofa.
It must have been something I ate.Copy !req
420. I've had pickled herring problems myself.Copy !req
421. Hello, everyone. I'm Jerome,Copy !req
422. and I am proudly a legal guardian
of Violet, Klaus and Sunny Baudelaire.Copy !req
423. In the short time
they have been under my care,Copy !req
424. I have been impressed
with their intelligence,Copy !req
425. their fortitude and their charm.Copy !req
426. At least while I was awake.Copy !req
427. They're noble children,
like their parents.Copy !req
428. Therefore, if they're interested in
a cardboard box with air holes in it,Copy !req
429. I'm going to make sure they get it.Copy !req
430. 204!Copy !req
431. Love of my life, don't be an idiot.Copy !req
432. You don't know what is going on. 205.Copy !req
433. Esmé, love of my life, I am tired
of being treated this way. 206.Copy !req
434. Well, maybe I'm tired of you! 207!Copy !req
435. Maybe I'm tired of both of you! 208.Copy !req
436. I'm tired of failure and hopelessness
in the face of treachery and doom! 209!Copy !req
437. I'm tired of self-indulgent
existential crisesCopy !req
438. and an overabundance
of hardcover books! 210.Copy !req
439. 212!Copy !req
440. Snicket.Copy !req
441. You're not on the list. 213!Copy !req
442. I have a splitting headache.
214 and a half!Copy !req
443. I have a degree
in welterweight boxing. 215!Copy !req
444. So do we! 216!Copy !req
445. I don't know why my secretary
is fighting those two old ladies! 217!Copy !req
446. 218 that I took from my husband's wallet!Copy !req
447. 219!Copy !req
448. A quarter past 11:00.Copy !req
449. I got quarter past 11:00
from person I no longer have to yell at!Copy !req
450. Going once, going twice—Copy !req
451. What did she say?Copy !req
452. She said 1,000.Copy !req
453. Oh!Copy !req
454. Where did Sunny get that kind of money?Copy !req
455. She was a receptionist in boarding school,Copy !req
456. but I had no idea
her salary was that high.Copy !req
457. The bid is 1,000.Copy !req
458. Please. Let the little baby
give the big money to the pretty lady,Copy !req
459. and the auction is over.Copy !req
460. The only thing that's over
is your horrible plan.Copy !req
461. How dare you?Copy !req
462. Ah-ah-ah.Copy !req
463. You can't open this box until
you give me the money. That's illegal.Copy !req
464. - What's illegal is auctioning children.
- Not everywhere.Copy !req
465. The room will see you've broken the law
and our friends are in this box.Copy !req
466. The Quagmires? Wait till the readers
of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!Copy !req
467. - Baudelaires!
- Duncan!Copy !req
468. - Isadora!
- Quagmires! Quagmires!Copy !req
469. - Doilies?
- Inside the box were... doilies?Copy !req
470. Of course! "Very fancy doilies."
What else could VFD stand for?Copy !req
471. Yes. What in the world, please,
could VFD stand for, dusty orphans?Copy !req
472. Someone put these children
in a long black automobile.Copy !req
473. They're dirty
and their clothes are frayed.Copy !req
474. - So are his!
- Frayed? I'm afraid not.Copy !req
475. - Whoa! I'm a... Oh!Copy !req
476. He has an eye tattoo on his ankle!Copy !req
477. He's not Gunther!
He's not a foreigner at all!Copy !req
478. Arrest this man!Copy !req
479. Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio read about this!Copy !req
480. Calm down, everyone!
Don't blame foreigners for your problems.Copy !req
481. He's not a foreigner! He's from
the same country as we're in right now!Copy !req
482. That's no reason to arrest someone.Copy !req
483. He's a criminal. That's enough.Copy !req
484. Klaus is right!
He's the subject of a citywide manhunt!Copy !req
485. He's a source of pain and suffering,Copy !req
486. not to mention hours of negotiations
at Mulctuary Money Management.Copy !req
487. Wait! Before you rush to judgment,
there's something I need to share.Copy !req
488. All my life,
I've climbed the ladder of successCopy !req
489. armed only with ruthless ambition
and a large inheritance.Copy !req
490. I've paid my dues for weeksCopy !req
491. to become the city's
sixth most important financial advisor,Copy !req
492. to become this statuesque powerhouse
that stands gorgeously before you.Copy !req
493. I had the whole world
at my remarkably small feet. And yet...Copy !req
494. I had a feeling
there was something missing.Copy !req
495. It wasn't until I opened my home
to three orphansCopy !req
496. that I realized just exactly what it was.Copy !req
497. Aw!Copy !req
498. It was Count Olaf! He's a genius!
He's a wonderful acting coach!Copy !req
499. He's back in my life
after many lonely and successful years,Copy !req
500. helping me pursue single-minded,
cold-hearted,Copy !req
501. perhaps slightly overzealous revenge.Copy !req
502. My boyfriend, Count Olaf.Copy !req
503. The handsomest, innest man in town.Copy !req
504. How could you say something like that?
You're my wife!Copy !req
505. And besides,
ruthless kidnappers aren't in!Copy !req
506. How right you are. We're not in.Copy !req
507. We're out. Out of the city, that is!
Come on, Esmé!Copy !req
508. Don't let the despicable man
escape for a sixth time!Copy !req
509. - It's all over.
- Veblen Hall is the end of the line.Copy !req
510. "Veblen Hall Out,
Milton Friedman Hall In!"Copy !req
511. No. No!Copy !req
512. We better clear out
before we're swimming upstream.Copy !req
513. What about Olaf?
I know where to find him.Copy !req
514. Veblen Hall might be the end of the line,
but it's the start of a tunnel.Copy !req
515. They have our friends.Copy !req
516. But you said the Quagmires
were inside that box of doilies.Copy !req
517. - I guess that wasn't his plan.
- That wasn't his plan.Copy !req
518. - It was a red herring.
- It was a red herring.Copy !req
519. Red herring.Copy !req
520. Red herring!Copy !req
521. The words "red herring" do not only refer
to a type of foraging fishCopy !req
522. that may have a crimson hueCopy !req
523. due to being smoked or painted
with excessive nail polish.Copy !req
524. They can also refer to a distracting
or misleading clue,Copy !req
525. such as a box marked VFD that had
nothing to do with a secret organizationCopy !req
526. or a pair of kidnapped triplets.Copy !req
527. For instance, if I told you
that two brave and noble volunteersCopy !req
528. were giving chase to Count Olaf
and his kidnapping victims...Copy !req
529. - By George!
- Heavens to Betsy!Copy !req
530. That's not my name either.Copy !req
531. That would be a red herring,Copy !req
532. because it would imply
that Olaf was about to be captured,Copy !req
533. which, I'm sorry to say, was not the case.Copy !req
534. If I told you the city's
most prominent journalistsCopy !req
535. and banking vice presidents
were also giving chase...Copy !req
536. Wait until the readers
of the Daily PunctilioCopy !req
537. hear about whatever just happened.Copy !req
538. that would be a red herring.Copy !req
539. It would imply the Quagmires
were about to be rescued,Copy !req
540. which I'm sorrier to say
was also not the case.Copy !req
541. - Duncan!
- Isadora!Copy !req
542. If I told you the Baudelaires
were about to be offered a safe home,Copy !req
543. that would be a red herring, too.Copy !req
544. Baudelaires! Baudelaires,Copy !req
545. it's not safe for you to chase
a dangerous villain or her boyfriend.Copy !req
546. We need to rescue our friends.Copy !req
547. Let the authorities.
It's a citywide manhunt.Copy !req
548. Olaf was here
and the authorities didn't notice.Copy !req
549. Don't be hard on them.Copy !req
550. You didn't recognize Olaf
until it was too late.Copy !req
551. But I'm awake now, from Esmé's treachery
and after a very long nap,Copy !req
552. and I'm still your guardian.Copy !req
553. And from now on, I promise
you can forget all about Count Olaf.Copy !req
554. We'll never forget about him.Copy !req
555. We'll never forget our friends.
We have to rescue them.Copy !req
556. And find the truth about the tunnel
between your elevator and our house.Copy !req
557. You are in far too much danger,
Baudelaires.Copy !req
558. I know you're worried about your friends.
I know.Copy !req
559. But let other people
track down Count Olaf.Copy !req
560. - Let me keep you safe.
- Nowhere is safe with Olaf at large.Copy !req
561. We'll never be happy
if our friends are in danger.Copy !req
562. We are going to find them.
You can help us.Copy !req
563. Please?Copy !req
564. I wish I had your courage.Copy !req
565. Your mother always said
I wasn't brave enough.Copy !req
566. I guess she was right.Copy !req
567. She was also right about Esmé,Copy !req
568. who only married me
for my underground tunnel.Copy !req
569. I wish you luck.
I think you're going to need it.Copy !req
570. - Where is Mr. Squalor going?
- It doesn't matter.Copy !req
571. I don't think he wants
to be our guardian anymore.Copy !req
572. Normally, that would be cause for alarm,Copy !req
573. but we at Mulctuary Money Management
are exploring guardian optionsCopy !req
574. after an uptick in mysterious fires
destroying people's homes.Copy !req
575. There's a town far, far from here offering
to care for our orphaned clientele.Copy !req
576. A town with a name that I find
both curious and somewhat familiar,Copy !req
577. VFD.Copy !req
578. - So what do you think?
Yes.Copy !req
579. Lovely.Copy !req
580. If I told you that the next destination
for the Baudelaires was labeled VFD,Copy !req
581. that too might be
something of a red herring,Copy !req
582. because it would imply
that at the conclusionCopy !req
583. of this fraught
and frightening episode in their lives,Copy !req
584. they were the only ones
heading that direction.Copy !req
585. Because while the Baudelaire orphans
would soon be far, far away from here,Copy !req
586. they would also be far, far from alone.Copy !req
587. Where do you think he'd head?Copy !req
588. Somewhere far from here.
But he'd be far from alone.Copy !req
589. - And the Baudelaires?
- Their story's not over.Copy !req
590. Then what are we waiting for?Copy !req
591. A red herring.Copy !req