1. Who can't be beat?
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2. A dead horse!
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3. Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!
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4. Who can't be beat?
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5. A dead horse!
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6. - Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!
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7. "School spirit" is a curious term.
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8. The phrase might sound as if it refers
to a ghost or other undead phantasm
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9. haunting an educational establishment like
very old gum clinging to a trophy case.
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10. What "school spirit" actually refers to
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11. is the belief one particular school
is better than another.
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12. Our particular school
is better than others!
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13. Though, as the Baudelaires
were about to learn,
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14. there are worse things
that can haunt a school.
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15. - I love the energy. I love it!
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16. - Okay, everyone, settle down.
- Settle down?
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17. Do you hear
what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?
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18. - Nero.
- "Settle down."
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19. How often I hear those words come out
of people's ears and into my mouth.
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20. "Settle," a word which here means
"settling for less,"
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21. and "down,"
my personal least favorite direction.
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22. Let me tell you a story.
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23. Some years ago, a woman came to me.
She needed my help.
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24. "Coach Genghis," she said to me,
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25. "I'm a failure. I have no job.
My love life is in the pits.
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26. I can't seem to lose
these last 20 pounds."
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27. I bet that describes
just about every one of you, am I right?
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28. - Um, they're schoolchildren.
- Exactly.
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29. And what did I say to her?
Do you think I told her to settle down?
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30. Answer me, pippity-squeaks!
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31. Do you think I told her to...
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32. settle down?
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33. - Probably not!
Probably not!
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34. Probably not, indeed.
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35. I told her to stand up.
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36. I told her to actualize and incentivize.
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37. I told her to keep her eyes in the clouds
and her feet on the stars.
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38. Do you know what happened?
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39. She died in a mysterious fire.
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40. Wait, what?
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41. Settling down is what losers do.
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42. - But the woman you were talking about—
- Settling down started World War I.
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43. Okay, but the story you were telling—
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44. Settling down is what happens
when you bite your lip,
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45. and your lip gets swollen,
so you bite your lip again,
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46. and then you keep biting your lip
over and over.
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47. I don't want that.
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48. Do you want that, Prufrock Prep?
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49. No!
- Let's bring in the violin!
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50. The whole school is falling
for the treachery of an unhinged villain.
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51. That always happens at pep rallies.
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52. This might be our only chance to stop him.
Sunny, stay here.
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53. - Everyone, listen, please!
- How dare you interrupt a genius!
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54. And his guest violinist.
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55. This man is not a genius.
This man is an impostor.
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56. The term is "improviser."
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57. This so-called gym teacher
is the notorious villain Count Olaf.
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58. As long as he's at Prufrock Preparatory,
nobody is safe.
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59. That's not true. You're jealous.
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60. Throw them off the stage, and I'll start
my dance over with extra twirls.
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61. Well said, adorable cheerleader.
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62. This man is Count Olaf. We can prove it.
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63. The Baudelaires seem like honest
and decent people.
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64. We should listen to what they have to say.
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65. Down in back.
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66. Count Olaf, who is wanted
by the authorities
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67. for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder
and child endangerment.
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68. - And arson.
- Who has one eyebrow instead of two.
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69. Why, there's nothing wrong
with being bushy.
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70. If I open my shirt now, you—
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71. - If Count Olaf took off his turban—
- Isn't she marvelous, everybody?
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72. I'm afraid my two glorious eyebrows
will remain hidden
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73. underneath this turban,
which I wear for religious reasons.
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74. - And what religion might that be?
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75. Reconstructionist Judaism.
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76. Reconst... ism. Yes, that.
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77. I would never ask you
to remove your turban.
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78. I'm against religious persecution,
but I can't speak for the orphans.
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79. Olaf can also be identified
by the tattoo of an eye on his ankle.
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80. My body is a temple, young man.
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81. I would never sully my skin the way
so many young people do nowadays
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82. with their hedonistic lifestyle
of loud music and abstinence.
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83. Why don't you take off your shoes
and prove it?
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84. - Absolutely not.
- Is that for religious reasons, too?
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85. No, it's because taking
your shoes and socks off is gross.
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86. We can compare Genghis to the photograph
of Olaf in The Daily Punctilio.
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87. You sound like a boring librarian.
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88. Plus, we don't need newspapers
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89. now that we have
our advanced computer system.
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90. Oh. Uh, you mean that computer.
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91. He's sweating. He's nervous.
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92. No, I'm not.
I have naturally leaky pores.
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93. Will you and your pores please stand
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94. in front of this very expensive
electronic device
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95. and just clear this matter up,
once and for all?
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96. I, uh...
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97. Mmm, this reminds me of a story.
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98. This is not Count Olaf.
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99. - See?
- Yeah, see?
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100. I think this calls for a little democracy,
my second favorite style of government.
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101. How many of you want to hear
more tiresome accusations
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102. hurled at an innocent man from orphans?
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103. Investigate further!
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104. We demand that this issue
get further scrutiny!
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105. And who here wants to hear
about an exciting new program
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106. that is sure to blast your school spirit
right out your blowhole?
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107. Students! Faculty!
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108. Don't worry if every exercise program
you have tried has failed you,
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109. because I am here to fail you more
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110. by putting the "whip"
back into "whip you into shape."
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111. Everyone, get on your feet,
and let's try something
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112. that I invented one lonely night
at a truck stop, called jumping jacks.
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113. Here we go. Ready?
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114. One! Two! Okay. All right. All right.
Let's cool it down. Let's cool it down.
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115. We don't want to ham up
the old hamstrings. Whoa!
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116. Oh, God, can someone say, "Class dismissed
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117. - for ice water and some deep breaths"?
- Um...
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118. I know. I'll be okay.
I just need a second.
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119. - But the...
What?
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120. What?
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121. Yeah. Oh.
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122. Yes! Yes!
One last thing, everybody.
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123. As anyone who has been
to junior college knows,
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124. orphans tend to have unsound bodies,
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125. which leads to paranoia, delusion
and untapped wealth.
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126. That's why I have developed
the Special Orphans Running Exercises,
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127. or S.O.R.E. for short,
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128. which I will be offering
to a few select students.
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129. Will the orphans in the house
please stand?
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130. Okay, okay.
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131. I choose...
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132. you.
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133. And...
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134. oh, you.
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135. And little baby secretary
I've heard so much about.
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136. The three of you will report
to the athletics field at sundown
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137. and every night until further notice.
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138. This does not excuse you
from missing my nightly violin recital.
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139. You're going to owe me candy.
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140. That's the sort of leadership
I was talking about.
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141. You are a genius.
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142. - You're a genius for noticing.
- You're the genius for saying so.
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143. - You're a genius for agreeing.
- All right, I'm the genius.
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144. Drat! Everybody is dismissed!
This pep rally is over.
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145. Whatever you're up to, Count Olaf,
we will put a stop to it.
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146. Really?
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147. Because it seems to me
if you had the skills to stop me,
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148. we wouldn't be having
this batch of episodes in your new lives.
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149. Oh, orphans, your parents
really taught you nothing at all.
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150. They taught us to survive.
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151. Well, I guess those who can't do, teach.
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152. See you at sundown.
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153. He found us again. Everywhere we go,
he shows up to steal our fortune.
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154. How can he get our fortune
as a gym teacher?
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155. There's treachery
lurking in most exercise programs.
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156. I can't believe he fooled everyone again.
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157. Not everyone.
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158. Don't worry, Baudelaires.
Don't feel disgrace.
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159. The Quagmire triplets are on the case.
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160. You're kind and generous,
but we can't let you get involved.
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161. Violet's right. Olaf is too dangerous.
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162. He's too dangerous for you to face alone.
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163. We can run away. All of us.
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164. Our parents own
the famous Quagmire Sapphires,
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165. so when we come of age,
we can live on our own.
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166. We're not of age yet.
Besides, we tried running away
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167. and ended up working in a lumber mill.
Count Olaf still found us there.
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168. That's a picture of our parents.
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169. - Our parents, too.
- They did know each other.
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170. We had this photo in our library.
We never paid attention to it.
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171. I bet there were other mysteries
we never noticed.
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172. - Like a spyglass.
- Or a book.
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173. We need to survive long enough to find it.
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174. The librarian said to check back
in a day or so.
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175. We don't have a day or so.
It's almost sundown.
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176. I'm here to deliver a special message
to the Baudelaires.
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177. That doesn't rhyme.
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178. Only cake-sniffers care about poetic form.
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179. "He laughed
at his own foolishness.
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180. Ha-ha-ha.
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181. As he laughed, he noted the numbness
in his bare fingers.
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182. Also, he noted the feeling which had come
to his toes when he sat down
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183. was already fading away.
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184. He wondered whether the toes
were warm or numb.
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185. He moved them inside the moccasins."
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186. Jack London,
if I'm not mistaken.
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187. What?
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188. The story you were just reciting
is by Jack London.
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189. Snicket?
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190. Jacques Snicket.
Did somebody call for a taxi?
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191. Punctuation, orphans.
Punctuation.
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192. - Punctuation?
- The art of arriving not late.
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193. That's punctuality.
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194. You said to be here at sundown.
We're not late.
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195. That's curious.
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196. Someone just referred to you
as the late Baudelaires.
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197. Maybe they were talking
about your parents.
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198. That reminds me of a story
that I'm gonna tell you.
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199. Some years ago, a set of wealthy children
came to me, needing my help.
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200. There were three of them, one of each.
Girl, boy and baby.
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201. "Coach Genghis," they said to me,
"we're failures.
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202. Our parents have abandoned us
for careers as burnt-up skeletons.
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203. We have nothing in our lives
but all these bags of money,
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204. and they're making us failures
who read books and stuff."
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205. And do you know what I told them?
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206. I know this one.
Did you tell them to stand up?
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207. They were already standing.
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208. To actualize and incentivize?
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209. That doesn't mean anything.
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210. I told them to put on
some very expensive running shoes
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211. and then to take
this bucket of luminous paint.
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212. "Luminous" is a word I invented
for things that glow in the dark.
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213. We know what "luminous" means.
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214. And then they are to drag this bucket
around and around
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215. until they have made
a luminous circle on the ground.
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216. That's it?
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217. Yes, that's my exercise program.
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218. Genius ideas are simple,
like the wheel or neurosurgery.
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219. The orphans will run around
and around and around in a circle
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220. to exercise their
mother- and father-less legs.
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221. Um, okay, but what are you going to tell
the Baudelaires to do?
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222. - What am I...
- Yeah.
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223. - It's the same.
- What's the same?
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224. Isn't it time
for your little light to shine?
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225. Oh, I need a few minutes to rosin my bow.
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226. Don't say that in front of the children.
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227. - Whatever you're up to, Olaf, we will—
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228. I've got to get the book
to the Baudelaires.
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229. Try not to speak until
we get some hot chocolate in you.
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230. Well, well, if it isn't a cake-sniffer
and his cake-sniffing friend.
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231. You must be Carmelita Spats.
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232. How do you know?
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233. I work for an organization that keeps tabs
on young people of interest.
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234. Well, obviously. I'm interesting.
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235. Interesting can mean
a few different things.
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236. A polka-dot suit is interesting,
but no one looks good in one.
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237. This man here is my friend,
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238. and I don't appreciate
anyone mistreating my friends,
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239. no matter what age they are.
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240. Oh, and by the way,
I believe it takes one to know one.
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241. Cake-sniffer.
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242. - You stood up for me.
- Going back to school can be traumatic.
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243. That's why I keep
a trauma blanket in my cab.
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244. My hero.
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245. Quagmires! What can I do
for you two triplets?
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246. We know it's after hours,
but did you find that book?
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247. I'm sorry.
I know you're desperate to get it.
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248. It's not just the book.
There's a whole mystery.
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249. There certainly is.
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250. I couldn't find the book,
so I poked around.
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251. It's not in any system.
It's like it doesn't exist.
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252. Who dares not be in the auditorium
for my recital?
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253. The children had
a question about the library.
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254. The library is closed until further notice
by order of the gym teacher.
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255. He can't close the library.
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256. I should have looked over
his contract more closely. Or at all.
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257. He's also designated
the freezer as off-limits,
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258. so there go all my Popsicles.
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259. It's only temporary, though,
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260. until he gets his
Special Orphans Running Exercises
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261. and what he wants, something,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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262. Now get moving, twins.
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263. - We're not twins.
- Our brother Quigley—
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264. "Our brother Quigley died in a fire."
I know.
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265. Try to work up some pleasant small talk
for a change.
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266. Keep running, orphans. Run for your lives.
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267. - What are we doing?
- Uh, running in circles.
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268. How does that help Olaf
steal our fortune?
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269. - I don't know.
- Something else has to happen.
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270. There's no way he'll make us
run laps all night.
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271. I brought you a quintuple macchiato
so you can make them run all night.
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272. You want me to keep you company?
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273. - I know I get lonely sometimes.
- Why don't you check out the concert?
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274. Oh. Okay.
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275. That's what I'm saying. Olaf is here.
My disguise was discovered.
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276. The library is closed,
and there's a girl who keeps tap dancing.
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277. - Jacquelyn.
- You can't leave the Baudelaires alone.
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278. They've made friends.
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279. There's a stunningly skillful librarian
who's keeping an eye on them.
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280. You should see her shelve books.
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281. There's one book I'm worried about.
Did you give it to the Baudelaires?
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282. I'm sorry. I'll go right back now and—
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283. Jacquelyn.
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284. I need to get Larry into the city
to be treated for frostbite
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285. and overexposure
to off-brand dishwashing liquid.
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286. I'll leave the meter running
and be back at Prufrock soon.
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287. I'm leaving for the day,
and I'll be buying some candy.
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288. Hurry. These are dark days.
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289. That night was indeed a dark day.
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290. All nights are dark days,
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291. because night
is simply a badly-lit version of day.
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292. But a dark day also refers to a time
when something terrible is going on.
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293. It was a dark day for Count Olaf's troupe,
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294. who were not good enough actors
to pretend to be awake.
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295. It was a dark day in the history of music,
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296. as Vice Principal Nero,
who could not play violin,
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297. insisted for several hours
on doing so anyway.
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298. It was a dark day for the Quagmires,
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299. who hoped to help the Baudelaires
any way they could.
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300. And it was a dark day for the faculty,
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301. including Mr. Remora,
who was developing a sore on his lip,
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302. and Mrs. Bass, who would be arrested
shortly for bank robbery.
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303. Not to mention the school librarian,
whose own fate...
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304. would be even worse.
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305. But, of course, the night
was the darkest day for the Baudelaires,
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306. as they ran lap after lap
after lap after lap...
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307. night after night
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308. - after night after night...
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309. - ... knowing nothing of Count Olaf's plan.
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310. Nothing of how they
could defeat his treachery.
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311. Nothing but their own
desperate exhaustion...
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312. - ... acute boredom,
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313. and the terrifying knowledge that
always approaching was another dark day,
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314. a phrase which here means
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315. - "more time at school."
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316. Pop quiz.
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317. Everybody grab a piece of paper
and write down everything they remember
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318. about the time I spilled soup
on my sweater,
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319. including the vegetables in the soup,
the washing instructions for the sweater
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320. and the number of geese on the farm
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321. where my in-laws
opened their bed and breakfast.
Copy !req
322. Pop quiz! Question number one.
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323. What is the circumference
of yesterday's pomegranate?
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324. Question two.
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325. What are the dimensions of the vault
at Mulctuary Money Management?
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326. Question three. How far apart
in decimeters are the security cameras?
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327. I need you to really pay attention
to these numbers
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328. - and give me exactly what I'm asking for.
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329. Dear Mr. Mozart,
I have now written you six times
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330. and I can think of no possible reason
why you've not replied.
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331. Perhaps you're afraid
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332. - of a little competition?
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333. If I'm not mistaken,
you've written 41 symphonies.
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334. I've written over 4,000.
I'm writing one right now.
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335. It's called,
"Why Won't You Write Me Back?"
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336. You must be on your last leg.
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337. I haven't been this exhausted
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338. since I stayed up all night
with my first Tesla coil.
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339. At least you weren't late to class.
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340. I've never flunked a test,
but I got every measurement wrong.
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341. Of course you flunked.
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342. Olaf has been making you run laps
every night.
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343. We're no closer
to figuring out his scheme.
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344. It's like that luminous circle
he made us paint is a giant glowing zero.
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345. We know zero about it.
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346. He's hoping
you'll be so sick of running,
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347. you'll hand over your fortune?
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348. He's had stranger plans.
If only the library weren't closed—
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349. - Cake-sniffers talking about a library.
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350. Is there anything less adorable?
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351. Go away, Carmelita. We're not in the mood.
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352. But I'm here to deliver
a special message to the Baudelaires.
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353. It doesn't rhyme.
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354. None of this rhymes! Songs have to rhyme.
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355. - There's 12 more verses!
- We get the message.
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356. Coach Genghis tells me that even after
running laps for nine hours,
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357. you remain out of shape and winded.
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358. Your teachers say you've flunked
quizzes in personal anecdotes
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359. and measuring random objects.
Copy !req
360. And finally, don't even get me started
on Sunny's employee evaluation.
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361. I couldn't be more disgusted
if I'd written it myself.
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362. - You did write it yourself.
"You did write it yourself."
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363. Luckily, your new gym teacher
has a solution. Jim.
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364. Let me tell you a story.
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365. - Homeschooling.
- What?
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366. Homeschooling. It means staying at home,
sitting at your kitchen table,
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367. instead of clogging up a classroom.
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368. Vice Principal Nero, Mr. Poe specifically
placed us at Prufrock.
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369. Mr. Poe wants us to stay here
at least a trimester.
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370. Keep your grades up,
or I'll toss you three out on your ears.
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371. Your wealthy ears.
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372. Tomorrow morning,
your teachers will give you both
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373. more-or-less comprehensive exams
in front of the whole school.
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374. And for Sunny, a professional reappraisal
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375. featuring a special sequence
of demeaning menial tasks.
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376. If you fail,
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377. it's off to Coach Genghis'
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378. Ultra-Dynamic Life-Ending Workshop.
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379. - We'll pass those exams.
- Of course we will.
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380. If you'll excuse us,
we're going to study in our shack.
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381. You don't have much time.
You're due at the athletic field
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382. for Special Orphan Running Exercises
in a matter of hours.
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383. - We still have to run laps?
- Of course.
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384. And it doesn't mean you'll be excused
from the violin recital.
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385. - Looks like more candy for me.
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386. We can't study for comprehensive exams
and run laps all night.
Copy !req
387. We'd have to be two places at once.
Copy !req
388. Consider this a learning experience,
orphans.
Copy !req
389. It's important you figure out
Copy !req
390. the balance between academics
and extracurricular activities.
Copy !req
391. Listen to us! This man is—
Copy !req
392. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
393. Oh, goodness, how careless of me.
Copy !req
394. Now, what is it you were saying?
Copy !req
395. Violet,
Olaf is waiting for us at sundown.
Copy !req
396. We don't have much time.
Copy !req
397. - I said we don't have—
- I've got it.
Copy !req
398. We're listening.
Copy !req
399. Coast is clear.
Copy !req
400. Find some glasses.
Copy !req
401. This'll work.
Copy !req
402. These'll come in handy.
- We need something for the body.
Copy !req
403. - Flour.
- Perfect.
Copy !req
404. I'm impressed you know how to pick a lock.
Copy !req
405. You'd be surprised
how often it comes in handy.
Copy !req
406. This knot's called the Devil's Tongue.
Copy !req
407. It was invented by female Finnish pirates
in the 15th century.
Copy !req
408. How do I look?
Copy !req
409. Different. Which is good.
Copy !req
410. Not that you didn't look good before.
I mean, you do, you did, do look...
Copy !req
411. Sunny, how are those glasses coming?
Copy !req
412. You guys can still back out now.
We can find another way to pass the test.
Copy !req
413. - My sister and I won't sit—
Copy !req
414. We'd better hurry.
Us, too.
Copy !req
415. I have this feeling
we're never going to see you again.
Copy !req
416. You could go back to your broom closet
and forget about this.
Copy !req
417. - Is that what your parents would do?
- Our parents aren't here.
Copy !req
418. I bet they taught you the same thing
our parents taught us.
Copy !req
419. - What?
- What friends are for.
Copy !req
420. We have to be careful sneaking out.
Copy !req
421. You guys go first,
and we'll wait till it's clear.
Copy !req
422. Duncan... you'll need these.
Copy !req
423. Perfect.
Copy !req
424. And Isadora, take this. Keep it.
Copy !req
425. If anything goes wrong,
you might need a spyglass.
Copy !req
426. I don't think anything will go wrong.
We'll see you Baudelaires before long.
Copy !req
427. - What was that?
- A couplet.
Copy !req
428. Sitting with friends,
talking about something important
Copy !req
429. is one of the most powerful
and necessary forces in the world.
Copy !req
430. It is the way
so many noble organizations begin,
Copy !req
431. with a conversation between associates
Copy !req
432. - or even brothers.
Copy !req
433. People gathered together
to fight treachery,
Copy !req
434. as the Baudelaires and Quagmires
gathered together at Prufrock,
Copy !req
435. is the reason
that so much wickedness is defeated.
Copy !req
436. My brother told me that.
Copy !req
437. I'd give anything to sit and...
Copy !req
438. talk with him again.
Copy !req
439. You're late!
Sorry, boss.
Copy !req
440. Not you. Them.
Copy !req
441. That waiter is long gone.
We searched everywhere.
Copy !req
442. Mysterious!
Copy !req
443. Somebody broke him out
by smashing the door.
Copy !req
444. - Dastardly!
- And then they left in a taxi.
Copy !req
445. Expensive.
Copy !req
446. Enough! Leave me alone
so I can finish my plan.
Copy !req
447. Me, too?
Copy !req
448. I can't believe I'm here.
Copy !req
449. Staying up all night in the athletic field
waiting for things to go my way,
Copy !req
450. just like when I was in school.
Copy !req
451. My whole life is going
around and around in circles.
Copy !req
452. Like those things a hamster plays on
before you put it in the oven.
Copy !req
453. - Aw.
- Well, it ends here.
Copy !req
454. All right, orphans,
start going around and around in circles.
Copy !req
455. What did Mr. Remora have
for dessert last Tuesday?
Copy !req
456. - A pudding.
- What kind of pudding?
Copy !req
457. - I don't know. Butterscotch?
- Rice.
Copy !req
458. Rice pudding, rice pudding.
I have to remember that.
Copy !req
459. How's the staple remover going?
Copy !req
460. I know we're doing this
for serious reasons, but it's exciting.
Copy !req
461. It may not be particularly wise,
but it's a thrill to be in disguise.
Copy !req
462. I was young. I was finding myself.
Copy !req
463. Trying out new fashion, new music,
playing with matches, that sort of thing.
Copy !req
464. - His collar! It dribbled on his collar.
- Correct.
Copy !req
465. I had it tough at school.
Copy !req
466. Did I tell you what my nickname was?
Copy !req
467. Did you tell me your name?
Copy !req
468. - Wait...
- What?
Copy !req
469. - Wait.
- What?
Copy !req
470. The baby's pooped out.
Copy !req
471. She's stopped running.
She's standing there like a bag of flour.
Copy !req
472. Run, baby, run!
Copy !req
473. Uh-oh.
Copy !req
474. Maybe she needs a good kick to get moving.
Copy !req
475. - Get moving, baby.
Copy !req
476. - What do we do?
- Keep running.
Copy !req
477. Can we make it
to the broom closet?
Copy !req
478. There's a better place.
Copy !req
479. Oh, baby, baby...
Copy !req
480. Are you okay? Huh?
Copy !req
481. Stay here.
Copy !req
482. Blast you, crumbling infrastructure.
Copy !req
483. Boss.
Copy !req
484. - You scared me.
- Sorry.
Copy !req
485. I looked for them,
but it was dark and creepy.
Copy !req
486. All right. Stay and guard the library.
All smarty-pants kids end up there.
Copy !req
487. - Did baldy get the car?
- Yeah, but you have a little, uh...
Copy !req
488. - What?
- On your face.
Copy !req
489. - I do?
- Yeah.
Copy !req
490. Did I get it?
Copy !req
491. There's still a bit on the other side.
Copy !req
492. On the...
Copy !req
493. I...
Copy !req
494. Thumbs up.
Copy !req
495. Oh.
Copy !req
496. Right, 'cause you don't have...
Copy !req
497. We have to warn them.
Copy !req
498. We can't go anywhere
with him guarding the door.
Copy !req
499. The Baudelaires can pass that test.
Copy !req
500. Look.
Copy !req
501. The spyglass.
Copy !req
502. Let's do some studying of our own.
Copy !req
503. What color were the cows
on the dairy farm?
Copy !req
504. Brown and...
Copy !req
505. That explains the fire.
Copy !req
506. We've seen that man.
- It's all connected.
Copy !req
507. How long was the navy blue scarf?
Copy !req
508. Klaus?
Copy !req
509. VFD?
- What do you think it could mean?
Copy !req
510. What's so important about a sugar bowl?
Copy !req
511. Baudelaires, are you ready
for the worst morning of your—
Copy !req
512. - Good morning!
- Ahh! What are you doing here?
Copy !req
513. I'm Arthur Poe
from Mulctuary Money Management.
Copy !req
514. I know who you are.
Copy !req
515. Really? You do?
Copy !req
516. Uh, it's my job to know.
I'm a gym teacher.
Copy !req
517. Obviously. You're a grown man
wearing athletic shoes.
Copy !req
518. I'm looking for the Baudelaires.
Copy !req
519. I understand they've missed
several violin recitals,
Copy !req
520. and that Vice Principal Nero is thereby
entitled to several bags of candy.
Copy !req
521. So am I.
Copy !req
522. And who are you, little girl,
besides adorable?
Copy !req
523. My name is Carmelita Spats,
Copy !req
524. and I deserve candy
for bringing the Baudelaires to you.
Copy !req
525. I suppose that more or less follows.
Here you go.
Copy !req
526. Hmm. They're in that shack.
Copy !req
527. - "Shack"?
- Nobody said "Orphan Shack."
Copy !req
528. The auditorium is this way.
Copy !req
529. Tell me, would you ever be interested
in a self-actualization workshop
Copy !req
530. - held in the vault of your bank?
- I'd consider it.
Copy !req
531. Maybe I'm just tired,
but I think she's improving.
Copy !req
532. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
533. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
534. Who can't be beat?
Copy !req
535. A dead horse!
Copy !req
536. - Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!
Copy !req
537. Who can't be beat?
Copy !req
538. A dead horse!
Copy !req
539. Who can't be beat?
Copy !req
540. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
541. Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!
Copy !req
542. Baudelaires!
Copy !req
543. Mr. Poe, what are you doing here?
Copy !req
544. Well, I'm giving you
a very disappointed look.
Copy !req
545. You've been spending too much time
with extracurricular activities.
Copy !req
546. I don't think homeschooling is the answer,
Copy !req
547. but I brought along
the necessary paperwork,
Copy !req
548. as suggested by Vice Principal Nero
Copy !req
549. and by a gym teacher
who I met wandering around outside.
Copy !req
550. That gym teacher is Olaf in disguise.
Copy !req
551. He tracked us down and is in the middle
of a scheme to steal our fortune.
Copy !req
552. Olaf? But... what about the
computer system Nero told me about?
Copy !req
553. It hasn't worked.
Copy !req
554. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
555. - It certainly appears to be working.
- There you are.
Copy !req
556. - You must be Vice Principal Nero.
- Is that candy?
Copy !req
557. The computer system didn't recognize Olaf,
because he's in disguise.
Copy !req
558. What sane man would disguise himself
four times in a row?
Copy !req
559. Believe me, Poe,
I've seen this sort of thing before.
Copy !req
560. Children will say anything
to explain getting bad grades
Copy !req
561. and failing at their work
as administrative assistants.
Copy !req
562. - Assistants?
- Sunny's been working as a secretary.
Copy !req
563. Sunny should be in preschool.
That doesn't seem suitable.
Copy !req
564. If they flunk these exams,
the Baudelaires will be expelled,
Copy !req
565. so it hardly matters now.
Copy !req
566. This is not Count Olaf.
Copy !req
567. Oh! Coach Genghis, come on in.
Copy !req
568. Good morning! Today is the first day
of the life of your rest.
Copy !req
569. First life of the rest of your day.
Copy !req
570. Mmm-mmm. No. No.
- Today—
Copy !req
571. Why on the candy?
Copy !req
572. Today is the first day
of the life of your rest.
Copy !req
573. That's what I said.
I said it the right way the first time.
Copy !req
574. This so-called Coach Genghis
is Olaf in disguise.
Copy !req
575. Klaus, you can't argue with technology.
Copy !req
576. - Well said, Hat Stevens.
Copy !req
577. You must be a very self-actualized person.
Copy !req
578. - Well, I do eat a lot of yogurt.
- Delicious!
Copy !req
579. Showtime. So let's go... time.
Copy !req
580. Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
581. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
582. Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
583. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
584. Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
585. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
586. Remember, you will die!
Copy !req
587. - Remember, you will die!
- Yes! Yes, let's hear it.
Copy !req
588. I want your energy dumped on my head
so it can run down my face like lotion.
Copy !req
589. - Yes! Yes!
Copy !req
590. Whoo!
Copy !req
591. - I feel it. Can you feel it, Caligula?
- Nero.
Copy !req
592. This school has
a new kind of spirit energy.
Copy !req
593. A sense of unity and joy
which you usually cannot find
Copy !req
594. unless you are at a birthday party
or a public hanging.
Copy !req
595. I must admit,
I'm a little excited to see this.
Copy !req
596. I think the flunking
of the Baudelaire children
Copy !req
597. out of this school is
bringing out the best of all of us.
Copy !req
598. And so, without further ado—
Copy !req
599. A violin cadenza
in the style of the Human League!
Copy !req
600. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
- What? No?
Copy !req
601. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.
Copy !req
602. Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!
Copy !req
603. It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.
Copy !req
604. We'll find out who's full
of remora soon enough.
Copy !req
605. Test them! Test them! Test them!
Copy !req
606. Test them! Test them!
Copy !req
607. Test them! Test them! Test them!
Test them!
Copy !req
608. Violet, in the story about my pet donkey,
Copy !req
609. - how many miles did the donkey run?
- Six.
Copy !req
610. "Six."
Copy !req
611. Yes, that's correct.
Copy !req
612. - Rats!
Copy !req
613. Klaus, how long was the book
with the yellow cover?
Copy !req
614. Correct!
Copy !req
615. - Sunny Baudelaire, I need you to organize
Copy !req
616. these file cards of students
who owe me candy.
Copy !req
617. But not by name! No!
Copy !req
618. But by the color of candy I want.
Copy !req
619. - Oh, that's very impressive, I must admit.
Copy !req
620. Klaus, how long was
chicken breast number seven?
Copy !req
621. Uh, ten centimeters.
Copy !req
622. I take pride in how well
the Baudelaires are doing.
Copy !req
623. It reflects well
on Mulctuary Money Management
Copy !req
624. that they can recite facts from anecdotes,
remember certain metric measurements,
Copy !req
625. and perform
secretarial duties competently,
Copy !req
626. relatively soon
after the loss of their parents.
Copy !req
627. Will you excuse me, please?
- Oh, yes.
Copy !req
628. How long was
hot water bottle number 53?
Copy !req
629. Uh, 45 centimeters.
Copy !req
630. In a world governed by corruption
and arrogance,
Copy !req
631. it can be difficult to stay true
Copy !req
632. to one's philosophical
and literary principles.
Copy !req
633. In a world governed by corruption
and arrogance,
Copy !req
634. it can be difficult to stay true
to one's philosophical
Copy !req
635. and literary principles.
Copy !req
636. It's something
you don't need to hear twice,
Copy !req
637. because you already know that it is so.
Copy !req
638. It can sometimes be
overwhelming to witness
Copy !req
639. the series of unfortunate events
that rumble through one's life
Copy !req
640. like a mysterious automobile
with its engine running.
Copy !req
641. Which is why some people need to
excuse themselves from time to time
Copy !req
642. to a place where the world is quiet.
Copy !req
643. Like a crystal ball ready for anyone
who has an important question.
Copy !req
644. I urge you to do the same.
Copy !req
645. Look away from this austere academy
before it is too late.
Copy !req
646. This episode in the lives
of the Baudelaires is nearly over,
Copy !req
647. but there is still time
for it to get much worse.
Copy !req
648. We've come to the end
of the comprehensive exams
Copy !req
649. and the professional reappraisal
for the Baudelaires.
Copy !req
650. Violet is a fine student
and passes language arts with high marks.
Copy !req
651. I've never encountered anyone
Copy !req
652. more fluent in the metric system
than Klaus.
Copy !req
653. He gets an A-plus,
two centimeters by one centimeter.
Copy !req
654. I hate to admit it, but Sunny
is a fantastic administrative assistant.
Copy !req
655. Look...
Copy !req
656. She edited my résumé,
highlighting my musicianship...
Copy !req
657. without drawing attention to the fact
I never graduated middle school.
Copy !req
658. What my sister means is, did we all pass?
Copy !req
659. No. You're not adorable enough to pass.
You flunked!
Copy !req
660. You flunked!
Copy !req
661. You flunked! You flunked! You flunked!
Copy !req
662. No, no. No, no, no.
Copy !req
663. I share your discomfort
with orphans, Carmelita.
Copy !req
664. I have to admit
the Baudelaires pass with flying colors.
Copy !req
665. Mr. Poe, I will allow them
to stay the remaining trimester,
Copy !req
666. and you may leave
after giving me the candy.
Copy !req
667. Thank you, Vice Principal Nero.
And Baudelaires,
Copy !req
668. the, uh, disappointment I expressed
earlier has been lifted by the fact
Copy !req
669. you clearly memorized facts and anecdotes
to the best of your abilities.
Copy !req
670. Sunny, I may consult with you later
about the bank's latest quarterly report,
Copy !req
671. which could use a more dynamic layout.
Copy !req
672. Not yet you won't.
Copy !req
673. This is a comprehensive exam, isn't it?
Copy !req
674. I'm the gym teacher,
and I haven't given my test.
Copy !req
675. According to
the Prufrock Preparatory Handbook,
Copy !req
676. gym teacher evaluations are worth
a full 51% of their grade.
Copy !req
677. That is actually correct.
But how did you know?
Copy !req
678. A long time ago,
Copy !req
679. a handsome young man
was expelled from this very school,
Copy !req
680. on this very stage, for that very reason.
Copy !req
681. So, one last challenge, Baudelaires.
Copy !req
682. And this one will determine
your entire future.
Copy !req
683. - We'd be happy to run laps.
- We're in extremely good shape.
Copy !req
684. There's a better way
to test your physical princess.
Copy !req
685. - You mean "prowess."
- I think I mean "arms."
Copy !req
686. Arm wrestling. No holds barred.
Copy !req
687. Against an opponent who is as heavy
and as slow as a bag of flour.
Copy !req
688. Sunny Baudelaire.
Copy !req
689. Nerds, arm wrestling furniture!
Copy !req
690. - Five bucks on Genghis!
- This isn't fair!
Copy !req
691. You're a full-grown adult.
Sunny's a baby.
Copy !req
692. - That hardly seems sporting.
- Fine, I'll take on the bookworm.
Copy !req
693. - That seems fair.
- You can take the both of us.
Copy !req
694. Uh, I'll pass.
Copy !req
695. What's wrong?
Afraid you're not strong enough?
Copy !req
696. A real gym teacher could do it.
Copy !req
697. Yes, Coach Genghis, surely you're stronger
than two simpering schoolchildren.
Copy !req
698. Of course I am!
Copy !req
699. This reminds me of a story.
Copy !req
700. Some time ago, three orphans came to me
needing my help.
Copy !req
701. "Coach," they said to me,
"we're complete failures.
Copy !req
702. We have an enormous fortune,
Copy !req
703. and we're keeping it all to ourselves
out of our own selfishness.
Copy !req
704. How do we learn to share?
Copy !req
705. How do we learn to give up
in the face of all-powerful,
Copy !req
706. very good-looking physical strength?"
Copy !req
707. And do you know what I told them?
Copy !req
708. - You can never give up.
Copy !req
709. You can never give up if you find yourself
in terrible circumstances.
Copy !req
710. You must keep struggling.
Copy !req
711. You must struggle
until you find a safe place to live.
Copy !req
712. You must struggle until you find
noble and reliable friends.
Copy !req
713. - Struggle...
- And struggle...
Copy !req
714. Until the world can see
who you really are.
Copy !req
715. That kid came out of nowhere!
Copy !req
716. Holy Beethoven,
I see what you mean, Baudelaires!
Copy !req
717. - Finally!
- What you mean...
Copy !req
718. is that I should keep on struggling,
Copy !req
719. and then perhaps I'll be invited
to join a legitimate orchestra.
Copy !req
720. No, that's not what we mean at all.
Copy !req
721. - Your shoe, sir.
- Look at the tattoo on his ankle!
Copy !req
722. Egad! I'd know that ankle anywhere!
Copy !req
723. You flatter me, kind sir.
Copy !req
724. Don't call me "kind sir," kind sir.
Copy !req
725. You're Count Olaf. That tattoo proves it.
Copy !req
726. It's too late to cover it up
with a probably overpriced running shoe.
Copy !req
727. I am not covering up anything.
I need to wear these.
Copy !req
728. Don't be ridiculous!
Copy !req
729. Why would a notorious criminal
need running shoes?
Copy !req
730. Boss.
Copy !req
731. For running.
Copy !req
732. Go after him! Mr. Poe!
Copy !req
733. Sunny...
Copy !req
734. Wow! They're fast!
Copy !req
735. They have been running laps
for a couple weeks.
Copy !req
736. Go, horsey, go!
Copy !req
737. Klaus! We found the answers!
Copy !req
738. - Isadora!
- Duncan!
Copy !req
739. - What can we do?
- Keep running.
Copy !req
740. VFD! You have to remember!
Copy !req
741. VFD!
Copy !req
742. - Isadora!
- Duncan!
Copy !req
743. We found the book!
Copy !req
744. VFD!
Copy !req
745. Violet! Klaus!
Help!
Copy !req
746. Could someone please shut those kids up?
Copy !req
747. Klaus, Baudelaires!
- Shh!
Copy !req
748. - Please help us! We found the book!
- VFD!
Copy !req
749. - Isadora.
- Duncan.
Copy !req
750. If you have lost a friend,
Copy !req
751. you know it makes
your world feel incomplete,
Copy !req
752. like a puzzle with a piece missing,
or one half of a broken spyglass.
Copy !req
753. I'm sorry to tell you
that this story does not end
Copy !req
754. with the rescue
of two brave and noble triplets.
Copy !req
755. This story ends the way all stories end.
Copy !req
756. With the motto
of Prufrock Preparatory School.
Copy !req
757. That motto is "memento mori,"
and it means...
Copy !req
758. Remember, you will die.
Copy !req