1. Who can't be beat?Copy !req
2. A dead horse!Copy !req
3. Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!Copy !req
4. Who can't be beat?Copy !req
5. A dead horse!Copy !req
6. - Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!Copy !req
7. "School spirit" is a curious term.Copy !req
8. The phrase might sound as if it refers
to a ghost or other undead phantasmCopy !req
9. haunting an educational establishment like
very old gum clinging to a trophy case.Copy !req
10. What "school spirit" actually refers toCopy !req
11. is the belief one particular school
is better than another.Copy !req
12. Our particular school
is better than others!Copy !req
13. Though, as the Baudelaires
were about to learn,Copy !req
14. there are worse things
that can haunt a school.Copy !req
15. - I love the energy. I love it!Copy !req
16. - Okay, everyone, settle down.
- Settle down?Copy !req
17. Do you hear
what Vice Principal Shapiro just said?Copy !req
18. - Nero.
- "Settle down."Copy !req
19. How often I hear those words come out
of people's ears and into my mouth.Copy !req
20. "Settle," a word which here means
"settling for less,"Copy !req
21. and "down,"
my personal least favorite direction.Copy !req
22. Let me tell you a story.Copy !req
23. Some years ago, a woman came to me.
She needed my help.Copy !req
24. "Coach Genghis," she said to me,Copy !req
25. "I'm a failure. I have no job.
My love life is in the pits.Copy !req
26. I can't seem to lose
these last 20 pounds."Copy !req
27. I bet that describes
just about every one of you, am I right?Copy !req
28. - Um, they're schoolchildren.
- Exactly.Copy !req
29. And what did I say to her?
Do you think I told her to settle down?Copy !req
30. Answer me, pippity-squeaks!Copy !req
31. Do you think I told her to...Copy !req
32. settle down?Copy !req
33. - Probably not!
Probably not!Copy !req
34. Probably not, indeed.Copy !req
35. I told her to stand up.Copy !req
36. I told her to actualize and incentivize.Copy !req
37. I told her to keep her eyes in the clouds
and her feet on the stars.Copy !req
38. Do you know what happened?Copy !req
39. She died in a mysterious fire.Copy !req
40. Wait, what?Copy !req
41. Settling down is what losers do.Copy !req
42. - But the woman you were talking about—
- Settling down started World War I.Copy !req
43. Okay, but the story you were telling—Copy !req
44. Settling down is what happens
when you bite your lip,Copy !req
45. and your lip gets swollen,
so you bite your lip again,Copy !req
46. and then you keep biting your lip
over and over.Copy !req
47. I don't want that.Copy !req
48. Do you want that, Prufrock Prep?Copy !req
49. No!
- Let's bring in the violin!Copy !req
50. The whole school is falling
for the treachery of an unhinged villain.Copy !req
51. That always happens at pep rallies.Copy !req
52. This might be our only chance to stop him.
Sunny, stay here.Copy !req
53. - Everyone, listen, please!
- How dare you interrupt a genius!Copy !req
54. And his guest violinist.Copy !req
55. This man is not a genius.
This man is an impostor.Copy !req
56. The term is "improviser."Copy !req
57. This so-called gym teacher
is the notorious villain Count Olaf.Copy !req
58. As long as he's at Prufrock Preparatory,
nobody is safe.Copy !req
59. That's not true. You're jealous.Copy !req
60. Throw them off the stage, and I'll start
my dance over with extra twirls.Copy !req
61. Well said, adorable cheerleader.Copy !req
62. This man is Count Olaf. We can prove it.Copy !req
63. The Baudelaires seem like honest
and decent people.Copy !req
64. We should listen to what they have to say.Copy !req
65. Down in back.Copy !req
66. Count Olaf, who is wanted
by the authoritiesCopy !req
67. for suspicion of fraud, theft, murder
and child endangerment.Copy !req
68. - And arson.
- Who has one eyebrow instead of two.Copy !req
69. Why, there's nothing wrong
with being bushy.Copy !req
70. If I open my shirt now, you—Copy !req
71. - If Count Olaf took off his turban—
- Isn't she marvelous, everybody?Copy !req
72. I'm afraid my two glorious eyebrows
will remain hiddenCopy !req
73. underneath this turban,
which I wear for religious reasons.Copy !req
74. - And what religion might that be?Copy !req
75. Reconstructionist Judaism.Copy !req
76. Reconst... ism. Yes, that.Copy !req
77. I would never ask you
to remove your turban.Copy !req
78. I'm against religious persecution,
but I can't speak for the orphans.Copy !req
79. Olaf can also be identified
by the tattoo of an eye on his ankle.Copy !req
80. My body is a temple, young man.Copy !req
81. I would never sully my skin the way
so many young people do nowadaysCopy !req
82. with their hedonistic lifestyle
of loud music and abstinence.Copy !req
83. Why don't you take off your shoes
and prove it?Copy !req
84. - Absolutely not.
- Is that for religious reasons, too?Copy !req
85. No, it's because taking
your shoes and socks off is gross.Copy !req
86. We can compare Genghis to the photograph
of Olaf in The Daily Punctilio.Copy !req
87. You sound like a boring librarian.Copy !req
88. Plus, we don't need newspapersCopy !req
89. now that we have
our advanced computer system.Copy !req
90. Oh. Uh, you mean that computer.Copy !req
91. He's sweating. He's nervous.Copy !req
92. No, I'm not.
I have naturally leaky pores.Copy !req
93. Will you and your pores please standCopy !req
94. in front of this very expensive
electronic deviceCopy !req
95. and just clear this matter up,
once and for all?Copy !req
96. I, uh...Copy !req
97. Mmm, this reminds me of a story.Copy !req
98. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
99. - See?
- Yeah, see?Copy !req
100. I think this calls for a little democracy,
my second favorite style of government.Copy !req
101. How many of you want to hear
more tiresome accusationsCopy !req
102. hurled at an innocent man from orphans?Copy !req
103. Investigate further!Copy !req
104. We demand that this issue
get further scrutiny!Copy !req
105. And who here wants to hear
about an exciting new programCopy !req
106. that is sure to blast your school spirit
right out your blowhole?Copy !req
107. Students! Faculty!Copy !req
108. Don't worry if every exercise program
you have tried has failed you,Copy !req
109. because I am here to fail you moreCopy !req
110. by putting the "whip"
back into "whip you into shape."Copy !req
111. Everyone, get on your feet,
and let's try somethingCopy !req
112. that I invented one lonely night
at a truck stop, called jumping jacks.Copy !req
113. Here we go. Ready?Copy !req
114. One! Two! Okay. All right. All right.
Let's cool it down. Let's cool it down.Copy !req
115. We don't want to ham up
the old hamstrings. Whoa!Copy !req
116. Oh, God, can someone say, "Class dismissedCopy !req
117. - for ice water and some deep breaths"?
- Um...Copy !req
118. I know. I'll be okay.
I just need a second.Copy !req
119. - But the...
What?Copy !req
120. What?Copy !req
121. Yeah. Oh.Copy !req
122. Yes! Yes!
One last thing, everybody.Copy !req
123. As anyone who has been
to junior college knows,Copy !req
124. orphans tend to have unsound bodies,Copy !req
125. which leads to paranoia, delusion
and untapped wealth.Copy !req
126. That's why I have developed
the Special Orphans Running Exercises,Copy !req
127. or S.O.R.E. for short,Copy !req
128. which I will be offering
to a few select students.Copy !req
129. Will the orphans in the house
please stand?Copy !req
130. Okay, okay.Copy !req
131. I choose...Copy !req
132. you.Copy !req
133. And...Copy !req
134. oh, you.Copy !req
135. And little baby secretary
I've heard so much about.Copy !req
136. The three of you will report
to the athletics field at sundownCopy !req
137. and every night until further notice.Copy !req
138. This does not excuse you
from missing my nightly violin recital.Copy !req
139. You're going to owe me candy.Copy !req
140. That's the sort of leadership
I was talking about.Copy !req
141. You are a genius.Copy !req
142. - You're a genius for noticing.
- You're the genius for saying so.Copy !req
143. - You're a genius for agreeing.
- All right, I'm the genius.Copy !req
144. Drat! Everybody is dismissed!
This pep rally is over.Copy !req
145. Whatever you're up to, Count Olaf,
we will put a stop to it.Copy !req
146. Really?Copy !req
147. Because it seems to me
if you had the skills to stop me,Copy !req
148. we wouldn't be having
this batch of episodes in your new lives.Copy !req
149. Oh, orphans, your parents
really taught you nothing at all.Copy !req
150. They taught us to survive.Copy !req
151. Well, I guess those who can't do, teach.Copy !req
152. See you at sundown.Copy !req
153. He found us again. Everywhere we go,
he shows up to steal our fortune.Copy !req
154. How can he get our fortune
as a gym teacher?Copy !req
155. There's treachery
lurking in most exercise programs.Copy !req
156. I can't believe he fooled everyone again.Copy !req
157. Not everyone.Copy !req
158. Don't worry, Baudelaires.
Don't feel disgrace.Copy !req
159. The Quagmire triplets are on the case.Copy !req
160. You're kind and generous,
but we can't let you get involved.Copy !req
161. Violet's right. Olaf is too dangerous.Copy !req
162. He's too dangerous for you to face alone.Copy !req
163. We can run away. All of us.Copy !req
164. Our parents own
the famous Quagmire Sapphires,Copy !req
165. so when we come of age,
we can live on our own.Copy !req
166. We're not of age yet.
Besides, we tried running awayCopy !req
167. and ended up working in a lumber mill.
Count Olaf still found us there.Copy !req
168. That's a picture of our parents.Copy !req
169. - Our parents, too.
- They did know each other.Copy !req
170. We had this photo in our library.
We never paid attention to it.Copy !req
171. I bet there were other mysteries
we never noticed.Copy !req
172. - Like a spyglass.
- Or a book.Copy !req
173. We need to survive long enough to find it.Copy !req
174. The librarian said to check back
in a day or so.Copy !req
175. We don't have a day or so.
It's almost sundown.Copy !req
176. I'm here to deliver a special message
to the Baudelaires.Copy !req
177. That doesn't rhyme.Copy !req
178. Only cake-sniffers care about poetic form.Copy !req
179. "He laughed
at his own foolishness.Copy !req
180. Ha-ha-ha.Copy !req
181. As he laughed, he noted the numbness
in his bare fingers.Copy !req
182. Also, he noted the feeling which had come
to his toes when he sat downCopy !req
183. was already fading away.Copy !req
184. He wondered whether the toes
were warm or numb.Copy !req
185. He moved them inside the moccasins."Copy !req
186. Jack London,
if I'm not mistaken.Copy !req
187. What?Copy !req
188. The story you were just reciting
is by Jack London.Copy !req
189. Snicket?Copy !req
190. Jacques Snicket.
Did somebody call for a taxi?Copy !req
191. Punctuation, orphans.
Punctuation.Copy !req
192. - Punctuation?
- The art of arriving not late.Copy !req
193. That's punctuality.Copy !req
194. You said to be here at sundown.
We're not late.Copy !req
195. That's curious.Copy !req
196. Someone just referred to you
as the late Baudelaires.Copy !req
197. Maybe they were talking
about your parents.Copy !req
198. That reminds me of a story
that I'm gonna tell you.Copy !req
199. Some years ago, a set of wealthy children
came to me, needing my help.Copy !req
200. There were three of them, one of each.
Girl, boy and baby.Copy !req
201. "Coach Genghis," they said to me,
"we're failures.Copy !req
202. Our parents have abandoned us
for careers as burnt-up skeletons.Copy !req
203. We have nothing in our lives
but all these bags of money,Copy !req
204. and they're making us failures
who read books and stuff."Copy !req
205. And do you know what I told them?Copy !req
206. I know this one.
Did you tell them to stand up?Copy !req
207. They were already standing.Copy !req
208. To actualize and incentivize?Copy !req
209. That doesn't mean anything.Copy !req
210. I told them to put on
some very expensive running shoesCopy !req
211. and then to take
this bucket of luminous paint.Copy !req
212. "Luminous" is a word I invented
for things that glow in the dark.Copy !req
213. We know what "luminous" means.Copy !req
214. And then they are to drag this bucket
around and aroundCopy !req
215. until they have made
a luminous circle on the ground.Copy !req
216. That's it?Copy !req
217. Yes, that's my exercise program.Copy !req
218. Genius ideas are simple,
like the wheel or neurosurgery.Copy !req
219. The orphans will run around
and around and around in a circleCopy !req
220. to exercise their
mother- and father-less legs.Copy !req
221. Um, okay, but what are you going to tell
the Baudelaires to do?Copy !req
222. - What am I...
- Yeah.Copy !req
223. - It's the same.
- What's the same?Copy !req
224. Isn't it time
for your little light to shine?Copy !req
225. Oh, I need a few minutes to rosin my bow.Copy !req
226. Don't say that in front of the children.Copy !req
227. - Whatever you're up to, Olaf, we will—Copy !req
228. I've got to get the book
to the Baudelaires.Copy !req
229. Try not to speak until
we get some hot chocolate in you.Copy !req
230. Well, well, if it isn't a cake-sniffer
and his cake-sniffing friend.Copy !req
231. You must be Carmelita Spats.Copy !req
232. How do you know?Copy !req
233. I work for an organization that keeps tabs
on young people of interest.Copy !req
234. Well, obviously. I'm interesting.Copy !req
235. Interesting can mean
a few different things.Copy !req
236. A polka-dot suit is interesting,
but no one looks good in one.Copy !req
237. This man here is my friend,Copy !req
238. and I don't appreciate
anyone mistreating my friends,Copy !req
239. no matter what age they are.Copy !req
240. Oh, and by the way,
I believe it takes one to know one.Copy !req
241. Cake-sniffer.Copy !req
242. - You stood up for me.
- Going back to school can be traumatic.Copy !req
243. That's why I keep
a trauma blanket in my cab.Copy !req
244. My hero.Copy !req
245. Quagmires! What can I do
for you two triplets?Copy !req
246. We know it's after hours,
but did you find that book?Copy !req
247. I'm sorry.
I know you're desperate to get it.Copy !req
248. It's not just the book.
There's a whole mystery.Copy !req
249. There certainly is.Copy !req
250. I couldn't find the book,
so I poked around.Copy !req
251. It's not in any system.
It's like it doesn't exist.Copy !req
252. Who dares not be in the auditorium
for my recital?Copy !req
253. The children had
a question about the library.Copy !req
254. The library is closed until further notice
by order of the gym teacher.Copy !req
255. He can't close the library.Copy !req
256. I should have looked over
his contract more closely. Or at all.Copy !req
257. He's also designated
the freezer as off-limits,Copy !req
258. so there go all my Popsicles.Copy !req
259. It's only temporary, though,Copy !req
260. until he gets his
Special Orphans Running ExercisesCopy !req
261. and what he wants, something,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.Copy !req
262. Now get moving, twins.Copy !req
263. - We're not twins.
- Our brother Quigley—Copy !req
264. "Our brother Quigley died in a fire."
I know.Copy !req
265. Try to work up some pleasant small talk
for a change.Copy !req
266. Keep running, orphans. Run for your lives.Copy !req
267. - What are we doing?
- Uh, running in circles.Copy !req
268. How does that help Olaf
steal our fortune?Copy !req
269. - I don't know.
- Something else has to happen.Copy !req
270. There's no way he'll make us
run laps all night.Copy !req
271. I brought you a quintuple macchiato
so you can make them run all night.Copy !req
272. You want me to keep you company?Copy !req
273. - I know I get lonely sometimes.
- Why don't you check out the concert?Copy !req
274. Oh. Okay.Copy !req
275. That's what I'm saying. Olaf is here.
My disguise was discovered.Copy !req
276. The library is closed,
and there's a girl who keeps tap dancing.Copy !req
277. - Jacquelyn.
- You can't leave the Baudelaires alone.Copy !req
278. They've made friends.Copy !req
279. There's a stunningly skillful librarian
who's keeping an eye on them.Copy !req
280. You should see her shelve books.Copy !req
281. There's one book I'm worried about.
Did you give it to the Baudelaires?Copy !req
282. I'm sorry. I'll go right back now and—Copy !req
283. Jacquelyn.Copy !req
284. I need to get Larry into the city
to be treated for frostbiteCopy !req
285. and overexposure
to off-brand dishwashing liquid.Copy !req
286. I'll leave the meter running
and be back at Prufrock soon.Copy !req
287. I'm leaving for the day,
and I'll be buying some candy.Copy !req
288. Hurry. These are dark days.Copy !req
289. That night was indeed a dark day.Copy !req
290. All nights are dark days,Copy !req
291. because night
is simply a badly-lit version of day.Copy !req
292. But a dark day also refers to a time
when something terrible is going on.Copy !req
293. It was a dark day for Count Olaf's troupe,Copy !req
294. who were not good enough actors
to pretend to be awake.Copy !req
295. It was a dark day in the history of music,Copy !req
296. as Vice Principal Nero,
who could not play violin,Copy !req
297. insisted for several hours
on doing so anyway.Copy !req
298. It was a dark day for the Quagmires,Copy !req
299. who hoped to help the Baudelaires
any way they could.Copy !req
300. And it was a dark day for the faculty,Copy !req
301. including Mr. Remora,
who was developing a sore on his lip,Copy !req
302. and Mrs. Bass, who would be arrested
shortly for bank robbery.Copy !req
303. Not to mention the school librarian,
whose own fate...Copy !req
304. would be even worse.Copy !req
305. But, of course, the night
was the darkest day for the Baudelaires,Copy !req
306. as they ran lap after lap
after lap after lap...Copy !req
307. night after nightCopy !req
308. - after night after night...Copy !req
309. - ... knowing nothing of Count Olaf's plan.Copy !req
310. Nothing of how they
could defeat his treachery.Copy !req
311. Nothing but their own
desperate exhaustion...Copy !req
312. - ... acute boredom,Copy !req
313. and the terrifying knowledge that
always approaching was another dark day,Copy !req
314. a phrase which here meansCopy !req
315. - "more time at school."Copy !req
316. Pop quiz.Copy !req
317. Everybody grab a piece of paper
and write down everything they rememberCopy !req
318. about the time I spilled soup
on my sweater,Copy !req
319. including the vegetables in the soup,
the washing instructions for the sweaterCopy !req
320. and the number of geese on the farmCopy !req
321. where my in-laws
opened their bed and breakfast.Copy !req
322. Pop quiz! Question number one.Copy !req
323. What is the circumference
of yesterday's pomegranate?Copy !req
324. Question two.Copy !req
325. What are the dimensions of the vault
at Mulctuary Money Management?Copy !req
326. Question three. How far apart
in decimeters are the security cameras?Copy !req
327. I need you to really pay attention
to these numbersCopy !req
328. - and give me exactly what I'm asking for.Copy !req
329. Dear Mr. Mozart,
I have now written you six timesCopy !req
330. and I can think of no possible reason
why you've not replied.Copy !req
331. Perhaps you're afraidCopy !req
332. - of a little competition?Copy !req
333. If I'm not mistaken,
you've written 41 symphonies.Copy !req
334. I've written over 4,000.
I'm writing one right now.Copy !req
335. It's called,
"Why Won't You Write Me Back?"Copy !req
336. You must be on your last leg.Copy !req
337. I haven't been this exhaustedCopy !req
338. since I stayed up all night
with my first Tesla coil.Copy !req
339. At least you weren't late to class.Copy !req
340. I've never flunked a test,
but I got every measurement wrong.Copy !req
341. Of course you flunked.Copy !req
342. Olaf has been making you run laps
every night.Copy !req
343. We're no closer
to figuring out his scheme.Copy !req
344. It's like that luminous circle
he made us paint is a giant glowing zero.Copy !req
345. We know zero about it.Copy !req
346. He's hoping
you'll be so sick of running,Copy !req
347. you'll hand over your fortune?Copy !req
348. He's had stranger plans.
If only the library weren't closed—Copy !req
349. - Cake-sniffers talking about a library.Copy !req
350. Is there anything less adorable?Copy !req
351. Go away, Carmelita. We're not in the mood.Copy !req
352. But I'm here to deliver
a special message to the Baudelaires.Copy !req
353. It doesn't rhyme.Copy !req
354. None of this rhymes! Songs have to rhyme.Copy !req
355. - There's 12 more verses!
- We get the message.Copy !req
356. Coach Genghis tells me that even after
running laps for nine hours,Copy !req
357. you remain out of shape and winded.Copy !req
358. Your teachers say you've flunked
quizzes in personal anecdotesCopy !req
359. and measuring random objects.Copy !req
360. And finally, don't even get me started
on Sunny's employee evaluation.Copy !req
361. I couldn't be more disgusted
if I'd written it myself.Copy !req
362. - You did write it yourself.
"You did write it yourself."Copy !req
363. Luckily, your new gym teacher
has a solution. Jim.Copy !req
364. Let me tell you a story.Copy !req
365. - Homeschooling.
- What?Copy !req
366. Homeschooling. It means staying at home,
sitting at your kitchen table,Copy !req
367. instead of clogging up a classroom.Copy !req
368. Vice Principal Nero, Mr. Poe specifically
placed us at Prufrock.Copy !req
369. Mr. Poe wants us to stay here
at least a trimester.Copy !req
370. Keep your grades up,
or I'll toss you three out on your ears.Copy !req
371. Your wealthy ears.Copy !req
372. Tomorrow morning,
your teachers will give you bothCopy !req
373. more-or-less comprehensive exams
in front of the whole school.Copy !req
374. And for Sunny, a professional reappraisalCopy !req
375. featuring a special sequence
of demeaning menial tasks.Copy !req
376. If you fail,Copy !req
377. it's off to Coach Genghis'Copy !req
378. Ultra-Dynamic Life-Ending Workshop.Copy !req
379. - We'll pass those exams.
- Of course we will.Copy !req
380. If you'll excuse us,
we're going to study in our shack.Copy !req
381. You don't have much time.
You're due at the athletic fieldCopy !req
382. for Special Orphan Running Exercises
in a matter of hours.Copy !req
383. - We still have to run laps?
- Of course.Copy !req
384. And it doesn't mean you'll be excused
from the violin recital.Copy !req
385. - Looks like more candy for me.Copy !req
386. We can't study for comprehensive exams
and run laps all night.Copy !req
387. We'd have to be two places at once.Copy !req
388. Consider this a learning experience,
orphans.Copy !req
389. It's important you figure outCopy !req
390. the balance between academics
and extracurricular activities.Copy !req
391. Listen to us! This man is—Copy !req
392. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
393. Oh, goodness, how careless of me.Copy !req
394. Now, what is it you were saying?Copy !req
395. Violet,
Olaf is waiting for us at sundown.Copy !req
396. We don't have much time.Copy !req
397. - I said we don't have—
- I've got it.Copy !req
398. We're listening.Copy !req
399. Coast is clear.Copy !req
400. Find some glasses.Copy !req
401. This'll work.Copy !req
402. These'll come in handy.
- We need something for the body.Copy !req
403. - Flour.
- Perfect.Copy !req
404. I'm impressed you know how to pick a lock.Copy !req
405. You'd be surprised
how often it comes in handy.Copy !req
406. This knot's called the Devil's Tongue.Copy !req
407. It was invented by female Finnish pirates
in the 15th century.Copy !req
408. How do I look?Copy !req
409. Different. Which is good.Copy !req
410. Not that you didn't look good before.
I mean, you do, you did, do look...Copy !req
411. Sunny, how are those glasses coming?Copy !req
412. You guys can still back out now.
We can find another way to pass the test.Copy !req
413. - My sister and I won't sit—Copy !req
414. We'd better hurry.
Us, too.Copy !req
415. I have this feeling
we're never going to see you again.Copy !req
416. You could go back to your broom closet
and forget about this.Copy !req
417. - Is that what your parents would do?
- Our parents aren't here.Copy !req
418. I bet they taught you the same thing
our parents taught us.Copy !req
419. - What?
- What friends are for.Copy !req
420. We have to be careful sneaking out.Copy !req
421. You guys go first,
and we'll wait till it's clear.Copy !req
422. Duncan... you'll need these.Copy !req
423. Perfect.Copy !req
424. And Isadora, take this. Keep it.Copy !req
425. If anything goes wrong,
you might need a spyglass.Copy !req
426. I don't think anything will go wrong.
We'll see you Baudelaires before long.Copy !req
427. - What was that?
- A couplet.Copy !req
428. Sitting with friends,
talking about something importantCopy !req
429. is one of the most powerful
and necessary forces in the world.Copy !req
430. It is the way
so many noble organizations begin,Copy !req
431. with a conversation between associatesCopy !req
432. - or even brothers.Copy !req
433. People gathered together
to fight treachery,Copy !req
434. as the Baudelaires and Quagmires
gathered together at Prufrock,Copy !req
435. is the reason
that so much wickedness is defeated.Copy !req
436. My brother told me that.Copy !req
437. I'd give anything to sit and...Copy !req
438. talk with him again.Copy !req
439. You're late!
Sorry, boss.Copy !req
440. Not you. Them.Copy !req
441. That waiter is long gone.
We searched everywhere.Copy !req
442. Mysterious!Copy !req
443. Somebody broke him out
by smashing the door.Copy !req
444. - Dastardly!
- And then they left in a taxi.Copy !req
445. Expensive.Copy !req
446. Enough! Leave me alone
so I can finish my plan.Copy !req
447. Me, too?Copy !req
448. I can't believe I'm here.Copy !req
449. Staying up all night in the athletic field
waiting for things to go my way,Copy !req
450. just like when I was in school.Copy !req
451. My whole life is going
around and around in circles.Copy !req
452. Like those things a hamster plays on
before you put it in the oven.Copy !req
453. - Aw.
- Well, it ends here.Copy !req
454. All right, orphans,
start going around and around in circles.Copy !req
455. What did Mr. Remora have
for dessert last Tuesday?Copy !req
456. - A pudding.
- What kind of pudding?Copy !req
457. - I don't know. Butterscotch?
- Rice.Copy !req
458. Rice pudding, rice pudding.
I have to remember that.Copy !req
459. How's the staple remover going?Copy !req
460. I know we're doing this
for serious reasons, but it's exciting.Copy !req
461. It may not be particularly wise,
but it's a thrill to be in disguise.Copy !req
462. I was young. I was finding myself.Copy !req
463. Trying out new fashion, new music,
playing with matches, that sort of thing.Copy !req
464. - His collar! It dribbled on his collar.
- Correct.Copy !req
465. I had it tough at school.Copy !req
466. Did I tell you what my nickname was?Copy !req
467. Did you tell me your name?Copy !req
468. - Wait...
- What?Copy !req
469. - Wait.
- What?Copy !req
470. The baby's pooped out.Copy !req
471. She's stopped running.
She's standing there like a bag of flour.Copy !req
472. Run, baby, run!Copy !req
473. Uh-oh.Copy !req
474. Maybe she needs a good kick to get moving.Copy !req
475. - Get moving, baby.Copy !req
476. - What do we do?
- Keep running.Copy !req
477. Can we make it
to the broom closet?Copy !req
478. There's a better place.Copy !req
479. Oh, baby, baby...Copy !req
480. Are you okay? Huh?Copy !req
481. Stay here.Copy !req
482. Blast you, crumbling infrastructure.Copy !req
483. Boss.Copy !req
484. - You scared me.
- Sorry.Copy !req
485. I looked for them,
but it was dark and creepy.Copy !req
486. All right. Stay and guard the library.
All smarty-pants kids end up there.Copy !req
487. - Did baldy get the car?
- Yeah, but you have a little, uh...Copy !req
488. - What?
- On your face.Copy !req
489. - I do?
- Yeah.Copy !req
490. Did I get it?Copy !req
491. There's still a bit on the other side.Copy !req
492. On the...Copy !req
493. I...Copy !req
494. Thumbs up.Copy !req
495. Oh.Copy !req
496. Right, 'cause you don't have...Copy !req
497. We have to warn them.Copy !req
498. We can't go anywhere
with him guarding the door.Copy !req
499. The Baudelaires can pass that test.Copy !req
500. Look.Copy !req
501. The spyglass.Copy !req
502. Let's do some studying of our own.Copy !req
503. What color were the cows
on the dairy farm?Copy !req
504. Brown and...Copy !req
505. That explains the fire.Copy !req
506. We've seen that man.
- It's all connected.Copy !req
507. How long was the navy blue scarf?Copy !req
508. Klaus?Copy !req
509. VFD?
- What do you think it could mean?Copy !req
510. What's so important about a sugar bowl?Copy !req
511. Baudelaires, are you ready
for the worst morning of your—Copy !req
512. - Good morning!
- Ahh! What are you doing here?Copy !req
513. I'm Arthur Poe
from Mulctuary Money Management.Copy !req
514. I know who you are.Copy !req
515. Really? You do?Copy !req
516. Uh, it's my job to know.
I'm a gym teacher.Copy !req
517. Obviously. You're a grown man
wearing athletic shoes.Copy !req
518. I'm looking for the Baudelaires.Copy !req
519. I understand they've missed
several violin recitals,Copy !req
520. and that Vice Principal Nero is thereby
entitled to several bags of candy.Copy !req
521. So am I.Copy !req
522. And who are you, little girl,
besides adorable?Copy !req
523. My name is Carmelita Spats,Copy !req
524. and I deserve candy
for bringing the Baudelaires to you.Copy !req
525. I suppose that more or less follows.
Here you go.Copy !req
526. Hmm. They're in that shack.Copy !req
527. - "Shack"?
- Nobody said "Orphan Shack."Copy !req
528. The auditorium is this way.Copy !req
529. Tell me, would you ever be interested
in a self-actualization workshopCopy !req
530. - held in the vault of your bank?
- I'd consider it.Copy !req
531. Maybe I'm just tired,
but I think she's improving.Copy !req
532. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
533. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
534. Who can't be beat?Copy !req
535. A dead horse!Copy !req
536. - Who can't be beat?
- A dead horse!Copy !req
537. Who can't be beat?Copy !req
538. A dead horse!Copy !req
539. Who can't be beat?Copy !req
540. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
541. Who can't be beat?
A dead horse!Copy !req
542. Baudelaires!Copy !req
543. Mr. Poe, what are you doing here?Copy !req
544. Well, I'm giving you
a very disappointed look.Copy !req
545. You've been spending too much time
with extracurricular activities.Copy !req
546. I don't think homeschooling is the answer,Copy !req
547. but I brought along
the necessary paperwork,Copy !req
548. as suggested by Vice Principal NeroCopy !req
549. and by a gym teacher
who I met wandering around outside.Copy !req
550. That gym teacher is Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
551. He tracked us down and is in the middle
of a scheme to steal our fortune.Copy !req
552. Olaf? But... what about the
computer system Nero told me about?Copy !req
553. It hasn't worked.Copy !req
554. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
555. - It certainly appears to be working.
- There you are.Copy !req
556. - You must be Vice Principal Nero.
- Is that candy?Copy !req
557. The computer system didn't recognize Olaf,
because he's in disguise.Copy !req
558. What sane man would disguise himself
four times in a row?Copy !req
559. Believe me, Poe,
I've seen this sort of thing before.Copy !req
560. Children will say anything
to explain getting bad gradesCopy !req
561. and failing at their work
as administrative assistants.Copy !req
562. - Assistants?
- Sunny's been working as a secretary.Copy !req
563. Sunny should be in preschool.
That doesn't seem suitable.Copy !req
564. If they flunk these exams,
the Baudelaires will be expelled,Copy !req
565. so it hardly matters now.Copy !req
566. This is not Count Olaf.Copy !req
567. Oh! Coach Genghis, come on in.Copy !req
568. Good morning! Today is the first day
of the life of your rest.Copy !req
569. First life of the rest of your day.Copy !req
570. Mmm-mmm. No. No.
- Today—Copy !req
571. Why on the candy?Copy !req
572. Today is the first day
of the life of your rest.Copy !req
573. That's what I said.
I said it the right way the first time.Copy !req
574. This so-called Coach Genghis
is Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
575. Klaus, you can't argue with technology.Copy !req
576. - Well said, Hat Stevens.Copy !req
577. You must be a very self-actualized person.Copy !req
578. - Well, I do eat a lot of yogurt.
- Delicious!Copy !req
579. Showtime. So let's go... time.Copy !req
580. Remember, you will die!Copy !req
581. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!Copy !req
582. Remember, you will die!Copy !req
583. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!Copy !req
584. Remember, you will die!Copy !req
585. Remember, you will die!
Remember, you will die!Copy !req
586. Remember, you will die!Copy !req
587. - Remember, you will die!
- Yes! Yes, let's hear it.Copy !req
588. I want your energy dumped on my head
so it can run down my face like lotion.Copy !req
589. - Yes! Yes!Copy !req
590. Whoo!Copy !req
591. - I feel it. Can you feel it, Caligula?
- Nero.Copy !req
592. This school has
a new kind of spirit energy.Copy !req
593. A sense of unity and joy
which you usually cannot findCopy !req
594. unless you are at a birthday party
or a public hanging.Copy !req
595. I must admit,
I'm a little excited to see this.Copy !req
596. I think the flunking
of the Baudelaire childrenCopy !req
597. out of this school is
bringing out the best of all of us.Copy !req
598. And so, without further ado—Copy !req
599. A violin cadenza
in the style of the Human League!Copy !req
600. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
- What? No?Copy !req
601. Let's not get ahead of ourselves.Copy !req
602. Hey, Gomorrah! Sass!Copy !req
603. It's Mrs. Bass, and my name is Remora.Copy !req
604. We'll find out who's full
of remora soon enough.Copy !req
605. Test them! Test them! Test them!Copy !req
606. Test them! Test them!Copy !req
607. Test them! Test them! Test them!
Test them!Copy !req
608. Violet, in the story about my pet donkey,Copy !req
609. - how many miles did the donkey run?
- Six.Copy !req
610. "Six."Copy !req
611. Yes, that's correct.Copy !req
612. - Rats!Copy !req
613. Klaus, how long was the book
with the yellow cover?Copy !req
614. Correct!Copy !req
615. - Sunny Baudelaire, I need you to organizeCopy !req
616. these file cards of students
who owe me candy.Copy !req
617. But not by name! No!Copy !req
618. But by the color of candy I want.Copy !req
619. - Oh, that's very impressive, I must admit.Copy !req
620. Klaus, how long was
chicken breast number seven?Copy !req
621. Uh, ten centimeters.Copy !req
622. I take pride in how well
the Baudelaires are doing.Copy !req
623. It reflects well
on Mulctuary Money ManagementCopy !req
624. that they can recite facts from anecdotes,
remember certain metric measurements,Copy !req
625. and perform
secretarial duties competently,Copy !req
626. relatively soon
after the loss of their parents.Copy !req
627. Will you excuse me, please?
- Oh, yes.Copy !req
628. How long was
hot water bottle number 53?Copy !req
629. Uh, 45 centimeters.Copy !req
630. In a world governed by corruption
and arrogance,Copy !req
631. it can be difficult to stay trueCopy !req
632. to one's philosophical
and literary principles.Copy !req
633. In a world governed by corruption
and arrogance,Copy !req
634. it can be difficult to stay true
to one's philosophicalCopy !req
635. and literary principles.Copy !req
636. It's something
you don't need to hear twice,Copy !req
637. because you already know that it is so.Copy !req
638. It can sometimes be
overwhelming to witnessCopy !req
639. the series of unfortunate events
that rumble through one's lifeCopy !req
640. like a mysterious automobile
with its engine running.Copy !req
641. Which is why some people need to
excuse themselves from time to timeCopy !req
642. to a place where the world is quiet.Copy !req
643. Like a crystal ball ready for anyone
who has an important question.Copy !req
644. I urge you to do the same.Copy !req
645. Look away from this austere academy
before it is too late.Copy !req
646. This episode in the lives
of the Baudelaires is nearly over,Copy !req
647. but there is still time
for it to get much worse.Copy !req
648. We've come to the end
of the comprehensive examsCopy !req
649. and the professional reappraisal
for the Baudelaires.Copy !req
650. Violet is a fine student
and passes language arts with high marks.Copy !req
651. I've never encountered anyoneCopy !req
652. more fluent in the metric system
than Klaus.Copy !req
653. He gets an A-plus,
two centimeters by one centimeter.Copy !req
654. I hate to admit it, but Sunny
is a fantastic administrative assistant.Copy !req
655. Look...Copy !req
656. She edited my résumé,
highlighting my musicianship...Copy !req
657. without drawing attention to the fact
I never graduated middle school.Copy !req
658. What my sister means is, did we all pass?Copy !req
659. No. You're not adorable enough to pass.
You flunked!Copy !req
660. You flunked!Copy !req
661. You flunked! You flunked! You flunked!Copy !req
662. No, no. No, no, no.Copy !req
663. I share your discomfort
with orphans, Carmelita.Copy !req
664. I have to admit
the Baudelaires pass with flying colors.Copy !req
665. Mr. Poe, I will allow them
to stay the remaining trimester,Copy !req
666. and you may leave
after giving me the candy.Copy !req
667. Thank you, Vice Principal Nero.
And Baudelaires,Copy !req
668. the, uh, disappointment I expressed
earlier has been lifted by the factCopy !req
669. you clearly memorized facts and anecdotes
to the best of your abilities.Copy !req
670. Sunny, I may consult with you later
about the bank's latest quarterly report,Copy !req
671. which could use a more dynamic layout.Copy !req
672. Not yet you won't.Copy !req
673. This is a comprehensive exam, isn't it?Copy !req
674. I'm the gym teacher,
and I haven't given my test.Copy !req
675. According to
the Prufrock Preparatory Handbook,Copy !req
676. gym teacher evaluations are worth
a full 51% of their grade.Copy !req
677. That is actually correct.
But how did you know?Copy !req
678. A long time ago,Copy !req
679. a handsome young man
was expelled from this very school,Copy !req
680. on this very stage, for that very reason.Copy !req
681. So, one last challenge, Baudelaires.Copy !req
682. And this one will determine
your entire future.Copy !req
683. - We'd be happy to run laps.
- We're in extremely good shape.Copy !req
684. There's a better way
to test your physical princess.Copy !req
685. - You mean "prowess."
- I think I mean "arms."Copy !req
686. Arm wrestling. No holds barred.Copy !req
687. Against an opponent who is as heavy
and as slow as a bag of flour.Copy !req
688. Sunny Baudelaire.Copy !req
689. Nerds, arm wrestling furniture!Copy !req
690. - Five bucks on Genghis!
- This isn't fair!Copy !req
691. You're a full-grown adult.
Sunny's a baby.Copy !req
692. - That hardly seems sporting.
- Fine, I'll take on the bookworm.Copy !req
693. - That seems fair.
- You can take the both of us.Copy !req
694. Uh, I'll pass.Copy !req
695. What's wrong?
Afraid you're not strong enough?Copy !req
696. A real gym teacher could do it.Copy !req
697. Yes, Coach Genghis, surely you're stronger
than two simpering schoolchildren.Copy !req
698. Of course I am!Copy !req
699. This reminds me of a story.Copy !req
700. Some time ago, three orphans came to me
needing my help.Copy !req
701. "Coach," they said to me,
"we're complete failures.Copy !req
702. We have an enormous fortune,Copy !req
703. and we're keeping it all to ourselves
out of our own selfishness.Copy !req
704. How do we learn to share?Copy !req
705. How do we learn to give up
in the face of all-powerful,Copy !req
706. very good-looking physical strength?"Copy !req
707. And do you know what I told them?Copy !req
708. - You can never give up.Copy !req
709. You can never give up if you find yourself
in terrible circumstances.Copy !req
710. You must keep struggling.Copy !req
711. You must struggle
until you find a safe place to live.Copy !req
712. You must struggle until you find
noble and reliable friends.Copy !req
713. - Struggle...
- And struggle...Copy !req
714. Until the world can see
who you really are.Copy !req
715. That kid came out of nowhere!Copy !req
716. Holy Beethoven,
I see what you mean, Baudelaires!Copy !req
717. - Finally!
- What you mean...Copy !req
718. is that I should keep on struggling,Copy !req
719. and then perhaps I'll be invited
to join a legitimate orchestra.Copy !req
720. No, that's not what we mean at all.Copy !req
721. - Your shoe, sir.
- Look at the tattoo on his ankle!Copy !req
722. Egad! I'd know that ankle anywhere!Copy !req
723. You flatter me, kind sir.Copy !req
724. Don't call me "kind sir," kind sir.Copy !req
725. You're Count Olaf. That tattoo proves it.Copy !req
726. It's too late to cover it up
with a probably overpriced running shoe.Copy !req
727. I am not covering up anything.
I need to wear these.Copy !req
728. Don't be ridiculous!Copy !req
729. Why would a notorious criminal
need running shoes?Copy !req
730. Boss.Copy !req
731. For running.Copy !req
732. Go after him! Mr. Poe!Copy !req
733. Sunny...Copy !req
734. Wow! They're fast!Copy !req
735. They have been running laps
for a couple weeks.Copy !req
736. Go, horsey, go!Copy !req
737. Klaus! We found the answers!Copy !req
738. - Isadora!
- Duncan!Copy !req
739. - What can we do?
- Keep running.Copy !req
740. VFD! You have to remember!Copy !req
741. VFD!Copy !req
742. - Isadora!
- Duncan!Copy !req
743. We found the book!Copy !req
744. VFD!Copy !req
745. Violet! Klaus!
Help!Copy !req
746. Could someone please shut those kids up?Copy !req
747. Klaus, Baudelaires!
- Shh!Copy !req
748. - Please help us! We found the book!
- VFD!Copy !req
749. - Isadora.
- Duncan.Copy !req
750. If you have lost a friend,Copy !req
751. you know it makes
your world feel incomplete,Copy !req
752. like a puzzle with a piece missing,
or one half of a broken spyglass.Copy !req
753. I'm sorry to tell you
that this story does not endCopy !req
754. with the rescue
of two brave and noble triplets.Copy !req
755. This story ends the way all stories end.Copy !req
756. With the motto
of Prufrock Preparatory School.Copy !req
757. That motto is "memento mori,"
and it means...Copy !req
758. Remember, you will die.Copy !req