1. "Violet, Klaus and Sunny:Copy !req
2. By the time you read this note,
my life will be at it's end.Copy !req
3. My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find my life inbearable.Copy !req
4. I know your children may not understand
the sad life of a dowadger,Copy !req
5. or what would have lead...Copy !req
6. leadled me to this desperate akt...Copy !req
7. but please know
that I am much happier this way.Copy !req
8. As my last will and testament,Copy !req
9. I leave you three in the care
of Captain Sham,Copy !req
10. a kind and honorable men.Copy !req
11. Please think of me kindly,
even though I'd done this terrible thing.Copy !req
12. Josephine Anwhistle."Copy !req
13. It can't be.
- Can't be.Copy !req
14. When you lose someone important to you,Copy !req
15. "it can't be" are often the words
that run through your saddened head.Copy !req
16. It can't be that I've lost
someone so important.Copy !req
17. It can't be that I will never
see them again.Copy !req
18. It can't be, it can't be...Copy !req
19. it can't be.Copy !req
20. My name is Lemony Snicket,Copy !req
21. and it is my job to report the history
of the Baudelaire orphans,Copy !req
22. but it can't be that you have
nothing better to do.Copy !req
23. The Baudelaires believed, incorrectly,Copy !req
24. that they would never see
their Aunt Josephine again,Copy !req
25. but it can't be that you are interested
in watching them sufferCopy !req
26. as her last words echo again and again
throughout her empty and doomed house.Copy !req
27. It can't be.Copy !req
28. "As my last will and testament,Copy !req
29. I leave you three in the care
of Captain Sham,Copy !req
30. a kind and honorable men.Copy !req
31. Please think of me kindly
even though I'd done this terrible thing."Copy !req
32. Yes, yes.
I understand. I'll tell them.Copy !req
33. Of course, I'll tell them.
I promise I'll tell them.Copy !req
34. Goodbye.Copy !req
35. Mr. Poe says we can always rely
on Mulctuary Money Management.Copy !req
36. I just can't believe it.Copy !req
37. It's all there in ink
and shaky handwriting.Copy !req
38. Aunt Josephine is dead and she's left us
in the care of Count Olaf.Copy !req
39. It's not right.
There's something funny about this note.Copy !req
40. There's nothing funny about
a woman throwing herself out a window.Copy !req
41. Not funny as in a funny joke.
Funny as in a funny... smell.Copy !req
42. Let me show you.Copy !req
43. In the very first sentence, she says,
"My life will be at it's end."Copy !req
44. - And now it is.
- That's not what I mean.Copy !req
45. She says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S,
meaning "it is."Copy !req
46. She means I-T-S.
That's a sizable grammatical error.Copy !req
47. Who cares about grammatical errors
when she jumped out a window?Copy !req
48. Aunt Josephine would've cared.Copy !req
49. She said grammar
was the greatest joy in life.Copy !req
50. That's not enough.Copy !req
51. No matter how much she liked grammar,
she says she found her life unbearable.Copy !req
52. That's another error. She didn't say she
found her life unbearable, with a U.Copy !req
53. She said she found her life inbearable,
with an I.Copy !req
54. That's not a word.Copy !req
55. Our situation isn't inbearable.
It's unbearable.Copy !req
56. Aunt Josephine left us
in the care of Captain Sham,Copy !req
57. and I don't know what we can do about it.Copy !req
58. I wish we'd never read Mr. Poe that note.Copy !req
59. Then we could've torn it up
and forged a new one in her handwritingCopy !req
60. that didn't mention... Captain Sham.Copy !req
61. Wouldn't it be difficult
to imitate her handwriting?Copy !req
62. Maybe it's not her handwriting at all.Copy !req
63. Forgery? That's a very serious charge.Copy !req
64. - Not as serious as murder.
- Which is what Count Olaf did.Copy !req
65. He murdered Aunt Josephine
and forged a note.Copy !req
66. Again with Count Olaf. I must say,Copy !req
67. other than a gaping, middle-aged
woman-shaped hole in the window,Copy !req
68. I can see no sign of a struggle
or a break-in.Copy !req
69. We told you. Count Olaf didn't have
to break into Aunt Josephine's house.Copy !req
70. He was in disguise and Aunt Josephine
fell for it, hook, line and sinker.Copy !req
71. Please, there's no time for fishing jokes.Copy !req
72. There's a very simple way
to tell who wrote this note.Copy !req
73. We simply have to compare it
to your Aunt Josephine's handwriting.Copy !req
74. That's... actually an excellent idea.Copy !req
75. You are very intelligent children,Copy !req
76. but even the most intelligent people
sometimes need the help of a banker.Copy !req
77. Wait right here.Copy !req
78. Here's Aunt Josephine's shopping list.
We can use this to compare.Copy !req
79. Oh, look here.Copy !req
80. Look at the V
in "Several gallons of Vinegar,"Copy !req
81. and how it matches the V in "Violet"
she wrote in the note.Copy !req
82. And look at the C
in "Cold Soup Ingredients,"Copy !req
83. and how it matches
the C in "Captain Sham."Copy !req
84. And look where she writes "I think
shopping is terribly dangerous"Copy !req
85. and how it matches "think of me kindly,
even though I'd done this terrible thing."Copy !req
86. It should be
"I've done this terrible thing."Copy !req
87. Yes, it is a terrible thing,
and I'm sure it's very upsetting to read.Copy !req
88. But once and for all,
we can see the note is not a forgery.Copy !req
89. You're right.Copy !req
90. But why would this Captain Sham personCopy !req
91. go through so much trouble
just to place you under his care?Copy !req
92. We've already told you,
Captain Sham is Count Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
93. Now then, I know you three
have had some terrible experiences,Copy !req
94. but you mustn't start letting
your imaginations get the best of you.Copy !req
95. Remember when you were staying
with Uncle Monty?Copy !req
96. You were convinced
that his assistant, Stephano,Copy !req
97. was actually Count Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
98. Stephano was actually
Count Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
99. The point is that you can't
just start jumping to conclusions.Copy !req
100. You've jumped to the conclusion
that this note was a forgery,Copy !req
101. and now you're jumping to the conclusionCopy !req
102. that a villainous man
who swore he'd stop at nothingCopy !req
103. until he got ahold
of your parents' enormous fortuneCopy !req
104. is involved in some plot to get ahold
of your parents' enormous fortune.Copy !req
105. You don't have to believe us.
See for yourself.Copy !req
106. His troupe has been camped outside
all night keeping an eye on us.Copy !req
107. Ah, I see an approaching hurricane,
but no theatrical troupe.Copy !req
108. It's like I said, Baudelaires.Copy !req
109. You're letting your imagination
get the best of you.Copy !req
110. Imagination's all well and goodCopy !req
111. for children's books
or digital entertainment,Copy !req
112. but this is real life.Copy !req
113. Mr. Poe, you have to believe usCopy !req
114. when we tell you that Captain Sham
is really Count Olaf.Copy !req
115. Aunt Josephine's note
might not have been forged,Copy !req
116. but there's something suspicious going on.Copy !req
117. It's full of grammatical errors.Copy !req
118. Children, disguises
and grammatical errors,Copy !req
119. these are dire accusations,
but they're easily investigated.Copy !req
120. We can settle the whole matter
over brunch.Copy !req
121. Brunch?Copy !req
122. Yes, it's a word for the combination
of breakfast and lunch.Copy !req
123. We know what brunch means.Copy !req
124. Oh, good, then you'll have
an easy time with the menu.Copy !req
125. Captain Sham's invited us all
to a restaurant to talk this over.Copy !req
126. You've already spoken with Captain Sham?Copy !req
127. Yes, by some strange coincidence,
he called me accidentally,Copy !req
128. trying to reach a knife store to buy
a surprise for some children he knows.Copy !req
129. He was shocked to hear
about Josephine's death,Copy !req
130. but overjoyed at the prospect
of raising you children.Copy !req
131. What sailor wouldn't be?Copy !req
132. We're not going to brunch
with that villain.Copy !req
133. - We'll stay here and examine the note.
- Oh, no, no, Baudelaires.Copy !req
134. I want to settle this matter
once and for all.Copy !req
135. They tell me Hurricane Herman
is going to be so enormous and menacingCopy !req
136. it'll most likely shut down
all electric power in the city.Copy !req
137. So I want to settle this quickly,Copy !req
138. put you in the hands of a sailor
I just met on the phone,Copy !req
139. before returning safe and sound
to the city.Copy !req
140. Children, I promise to investigate
this man Captain ShamCopy !req
141. to the fullest extent
of my ability as a banker.Copy !req
142. If he's in disguise as you claim,
the eyes of Poe will catch it immediately.Copy !req
143. You probably know of a plant
called the Venus flytrapCopy !req
144. which grows in the tropicsCopy !req
145. and in the apartments
of certain lonely people.Copy !req
146. The top of the plant is shaped
like an open mouthCopy !req
147. with toothlike spines around the edges.Copy !req
148. When a fly
attracted to the smell of the flowerCopy !req
149. lands on the Venus flytrap,Copy !req
150. the mouth of the plant begins to close,
trapping the terrified flyCopy !req
151. who slowly, slowly, slowly...Copy !req
152. dissolves into nothing.Copy !req
153. As Violet, Klaus and Sunny arrived
at their brunch with Count Olaf,Copy !req
154. a few minutes late
because Mr. Poe missed the turn...Copy !req
155. they felt as helpless as a flyCopy !req
156. as Count Olaf's evil scheme
closed around them.Copy !req
157. Sadly, they would not learn
for a long timeCopy !req
158. that someone was there,
desperately trying to help them.Copy !req
159. Uh, hello, I'm Larry, your waiter.
Welcome to the Anxious Clown Restaurant,Copy !req
160. where everybody has a good time
whether they like it or not.Copy !req
161. I can see we have a whole family
lunching together,Copy !req
162. so allow me to recommend
the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer.Copy !req
163. It's a bunch of things fried up together
and served with a sauce.Copy !req
164. Well, that sounds wonderful!Copy !req
165. Extra Special Family Fun Appetizer
for an extra special family.Copy !req
166. Mine.Copy !req
167. I'll just have a glass of water,
thank you.Copy !req
168. Same for me. And a glass of ice cubes
for my baby sister, please.Copy !req
169. I'll have a cup of coffee
with nondairy creamer, please.Copy !req
170. Oh, no, Poe. Let's, uh, share
a nice bottle of red wine.Copy !req
171. Oh, no, thanks, Captain Sham.
I don't drink during banking hours.Copy !req
172. Yeah, but it's a celebratory brunch.
We should drink a toast.Copy !req
173. After all, it's not every day that
a man becomes a father of three children.Copy !req
174. Please, Sham.
It's heartening to know thatCopy !req
175. you're glad to raise the children,
but you must understand,Copy !req
176. the children lost their Aunt Josephine.
They're rather upset.Copy !req
177. I'm upset, too. I'm...Copy !req
178. I'm probably more upset.Copy !req
179. Josephine was my, uh...Copy !req
180. uh...Copy !req
181. Josephine was my oldest
and dearest friend. Thank you.Copy !req
182. You met her yesterday
at the town market and petting zoo.Copy !req
183. It really does seem like yesterday,
but actually it was many years ago.Copy !req
184. She and I met at cooking school.Copy !req
185. We were oven partners
in the Advanced Baking Course.Copy !req
186. You weren't oven partners.Copy !req
187. Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid
of turning on an oven.Copy !req
188. Soon we became fast friends,
and then one day she said to me,Copy !req
189. "If I ever adopt some orphans
and then meet an untimely death,Copy !req
190. promise me that you will raise them
as if they were your own."Copy !req
191. Of course, I agreed, but I had no idea
I would have to keep that promise.Copy !req
192. Josephine is dead?Copy !req
193. Yes.Copy !req
194. Josephine Anwhistle jumped
out of the windowCopy !req
195. of her own home late last night.Copy !req
196. Didn't you hear?Copy !req
197. I didn't realize this was a sad occasion.
In that case,Copy !req
198. allow me to recommend
the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers.Copy !req
199. The pickles, mustard and ketchup make
a little smiley face on top of the burger,Copy !req
200. which is guaranteed
to get ya smilin', too.Copy !req
201. So make sure you look inside
before you eat it.Copy !req
202. Well, that's a wonderful idea.Copy !req
203. Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers
for everyone, Larry!Copy !req
204. - Odd service, here.Copy !req
205. - It's the off-season.
- Ah.Copy !req
206. Nice performance out there.Copy !req
207. Stick to the script and we won't
throw you to the leeches.Copy !req
208. Yeah, no funny business, clown.Copy !req
209. It's Larry.
I told you my name is Larry.Copy !req
210. - We don't care what your name is.
- Or what gender you are.Copy !req
211. Or whether that hair is real.Copy !req
212. - It's a clown wig.
- [hook-handed man] We don't care!Copy !req
213. [white-faced women]
Make sure you don't blow this.Copy !req
214. - So if you want to make it out of here...
- Alive.Copy !req
215. - With both hands.
- you better do exactly what we say.Copy !req
216. You're gonna fix a nice lunch
for everybody.Copy !req
217. - With no tricks.
- No knockout drugs.Copy !req
218. - No poison.
- And no secret messages written in...Copy !req
219. - Ketchup.
- Mustard.Copy !req
220. Or wasabi mayo
in the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!Copy !req
221. You'll never defeat us.Copy !req
222. You can surround us.
You can throw us out of windows.Copy !req
223. You can threaten us
and make us cook for you—Copy !req
224. Sorry to interrupt,
but what's the soup of the day?Copy !req
225. I want to emphasize straightaway
that the Baudelaire fortuneCopy !req
226. will still be under my supervision
until Violet comes of age.Copy !req
227. What fortune?
I don't know about any fortune.Copy !req
228. The Baudelaire parents, uh,Copy !req
229. have left behind an enormous fortuneCopy !req
230. that the children will inherit
when Violet comes of age.Copy !req
231. Oh, I have no interest in a fortune.Copy !req
232. - I've got my sailboats.Copy !req
233. Mr. Poe, Sunny's right.
Surely you can finally see that this man—Copy !req
234. Beverages!Copy !req
235. - Coffee for the gentleman.
- Thank you.Copy !req
236. A Fuzzy Navel for the sailor.Copy !req
237. - What?
- A gift from someone in the kitchen.Copy !req
238. - And water and ice for the Baudelaires.
- You know our names?Copy !req
239. Of course I don't know your names.Copy !req
240. I've completely forgotten what
we were saying. Don't you hate that?Copy !req
241. We were saying that is Count Olaf.Copy !req
242. - What, the waiter? He did seem odd.
- No, not the waiter. You!Copy !req
243. You've done something terrible
to Aunt JosephineCopy !req
244. and you're scheming to get our fortune.Copy !req
245. Why would Captain ShamCopy !req
246. do something terrible
to his closest friend?Copy !req
247. Good point, Poe.Copy !req
248. - He isn't Captain Sham.
He's Count Olaf.Copy !req
249. Baudelaires, I've been
more than patient with you.Copy !req
250. I understand that losing your parents
and your home has had an emotional effect,Copy !req
251. as I imagine it would have on many people.Copy !req
252. I've done the best I can
to find a suitable home for you,Copy !req
253. but nothing I do seems to be good enough.Copy !req
254. And now, faced with a perfectly legal
last will and testamentCopy !req
255. that will place you in the care
of a sailor you met yesterday,Copy !req
256. you start to spout these wild,
McCarthyesque accusations.Copy !req
257. What he said.Copy !req
258. But if you insist...Copy !req
259. I will prove to you
that Captain Sham and Count OlafCopy !req
260. are two completely different people,
step by step,Copy !req
261. as if you were babies.Copy !req
262. Here are your Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers!Copy !req
263. - Count Olaf has one long eyebrow.
- I meant to ask...Copy !req
264. - While Captain Sham has one eyepatch.
- During damp weather, I can hardly wink.Copy !req
265. if any of you had any food allergies...Copy !req
266. Count Olaf has a tattoo
of an eye on his left ankle.Copy !req
267. so I might've informed the chef...Copy !req
268. While Captain Sham has half a broomstick
where his left ankle should've been.Copy !req
269. We prefer the term "peg leg."Copy !req
270. who certainly would not want anyone
to have an allergic reaction...Copy !req
271. Count Olaf would have
just met Josephine...Copy !req
272. that would force them
to leave the restaurant.Copy !req
273. while Captain Sham
has known her for many years.Copy !req
274. Along with her husband, what's-his-name.Copy !req
275. Count Olaf is a murderous man who's only
interested in your parents' money,Copy !req
276. while Captain Sham has expressed
great interest in raising you childrenCopy !req
277. - without touching a single penny.
- We'll see.Copy !req
278. - We're allergic to peppermints.
What?Copy !req
279. We'll see. Get me another navel!Copy !req
280. So, can we all agree that Captain Sham
has none of the hallmarks,Copy !req
281. - earmarks or benchmarks of Count Olaf?
- Agreed.Copy !req
282. If we could just go back
to Aunt Josephine's house.Copy !req
283. There's something strange about that note.Copy !req
284. We've already been over the note,
Baudelaires. It's not a forgery.Copy !req
285. And the grammatical mistakes
are merely the nervousnessCopy !req
286. of any woman who was
about to throw herself out a window.Copy !req
287. Hear, hear.Copy !req
288. Now, Captain Sham,
I have some papers in my briefcaseCopy !req
289. that I need you to sign.Copy !req
290. - And then the children will be mine?Copy !req
291. You'll be caring for them, yes.Copy !req
292. And there's nothing in the world
that can stop me?Copy !req
293. Well, that...
A peculiar way of saying it, but, yes.Copy !req
294. I brought the bill. Take your time.Copy !req
295. I'm sure none of you are
in any particular hurry.Copy !req
296. The banker's buying.Copy !req
297. Oh, oh!
Well, okay, that... that's fine.Copy !req
298. Uh, Sham, I need to have a few words
with you about the children's education.Copy !req
299. Oh, I've always been a big supporter
of the school voucher system.Copy !req
300. - Have you indeed? Tell me more.
- Yeah.Copy !req
301. Everyone is allergic to something.Copy !req
302. Whether it is gluten, injustice,
dark chocolate,Copy !req
303. corruption, pollen... or common decency.Copy !req
304. - And you'll do all the dishes.Copy !req
305. The Baudelaire orphans
were allergic to peppermint.Copy !req
306. Their allergies were notoriously
quick-acting and powerful.Copy !req
307. Of course, if you are allergic to a thing,Copy !req
308. it is best not to put that thing
in your mouth,Copy !req
309. particularly if the thing is cats.Copy !req
310. But Violet, Klaus and Sunny
knew that this was an emergency.Copy !req
311. The strange message they had received
seemed to indicateCopy !req
312. there was more for the Baudelaires
to investigate,Copy !req
313. but not until after they got away
from Count Olaf and his miserable lunch.Copy !req
314. So while Mr. Poe began to tell
a very boring story...Copy !req
315. That reminds me of a time
I bought a carton of milk.Copy !req
316. Well, the clerk asked me
what kind of milk...Copy !req
317. the children unwrapped
their peppermints...Copy !req
318. and placed them into their mouths.Copy !req
319. almond milk, whole milk.
And so I said, "Low fat, please."Copy !req
320. And then the clerk leads me
to the dairy sectionCopy !req
321. where the milk is kept,
and then he said to me, proud as can be...Copy !req
322. You look terrible!Copy !req
323. We're having allergic reactions.Copy !req
324. I feel... I feel quite terrible.Copy !req
325. Goodness gracious, Violet, you have
huge, ugly, red patches on your skin.Copy !req
326. Klaus, your tongue is swelling.Copy !req
327. Sunny, both things are happening to you.Copy !req
328. - I'm sure it's nothing.
- Nothing?Copy !req
329. Violet has a hive on her face
the size of a hard-boiled egg.Copy !req
330. They just need to take some deep breaths.Copy !req
331. - I think we should go home and rest.
- An excellent idea.Copy !req
332. Poe, it's in the middle of brunch.
Just lean back in your seat.Copy !req
333. Captain Sham, the children are quite ill.Copy !req
334. Let's pay the bill
and take the children home.Copy !req
335. No, no. We can go home by ourselves.Copy !req
336. I wouldn't dream of leaving you alone.Copy !req
337. Well, there is the matter
of the paperwork to go overCopy !req
338. to make the, uh, adoption official,Copy !req
339. and, frankly, I would like
to take advantageCopy !req
340. of the Fickle Ferry's, uh, prehurricane
special reduced ticket prices.Copy !req
341. Yes, finish the paperworkCopy !req
342. and have a relaxing lunch.Copy !req
343. Captain Sham can come fetch us
at Aunt Josephine's house.Copy !req
344. I'll see you very soon.Copy !req
345. Save the fish heads!Copy !req
346. I can't understand what you're saying,Copy !req
347. but I assume that you think
we ought to decode Aunt Josephine's noteCopy !req
348. before Count Olaf and Mr. Poe
finish the paperwork.Copy !req
349. But how are we gonna get all the way
back up to Aunt Josephine's house?Copy !req
350. Does anybody need a ride someplace
for a reasonable fee?Copy !req
351. Believe me, I've had
this conversation a million times.Copy !req
352. If you look at the white whale
in terms of postcolonialism—Copy !req
353. Thank you, sir.Copy !req
354. Call me Ishmael.Copy !req
355. We don't have much time
before Hurricane Herman arrives.Copy !req
356. The library.
- Good idea. The library.Copy !req
357. Got it. Sunny and I will take
baking soda baths to treat our hives,Copy !req
358. while you begin your research.Copy !req
359. Exactly. Nouns and verbs.Copy !req
360. And those moneys
are locked into the tuition fund.Copy !req
361. So the tuition fund cannot be spent,
for example,Copy !req
362. on a pair of diamond cufflinks?Copy !req
363. Just asking.Copy !req
364. All you do is sauté
garlic and onions in a pot,Copy !req
365. then add onions, capers, anchovies,
diced parsley and tomatoes—Copy !req
366. Stop being friendly to him!Copy !req
367. Anxious Clown Restaurant.
This is Larry, your waiter.Copy !req
368. Alive? Where?Copy !req
369. Peru?Copy !req
370. Secure for the moment,
but you need to know—Copy !req
371. Who is this?Copy !req
372. Hello?Copy !req
373. Hello?Copy !req
374. How does it work? Hello?Copy !req
375. - The restaurant's been compromised.
- We can't wait for the weather to clear.Copy !req
376. It's gonna take more than a hurricane
to keep us from our children.Copy !req
377. - Hurricane?
- Buckle up, darling.Copy !req
378. It's gonna be a bumpy flight.Copy !req
379. You were right, Klaus. A baking soda bath
did wonders for our hives.Copy !req
380. How's your swollen tongue?
And how's your research?Copy !req
381. My tongue is improving.Copy !req
382. - As for my research, see for yourselves.
- What is all this?Copy !req
383. It's Aunt Josephine's note.Copy !req
384. - Look, I-T-apostrophe-S.
- I remember.Copy !req
385. Aunt Josephine wrote "it's" as in "it is,"Copy !req
386. when she meant "its"
as in "belonging to it."Copy !req
387. That was just to get our attention.
But look at the second sentence.Copy !req
388. "My heart is as cold as Ike."Copy !req
389. But Aunt Josephine said she liked
to think of her husband someplace hot.Copy !req
390. "As cold as ice"
would make a lot more sense.Copy !req
391. Exactly! Unless these aren't
grammatical mistakes at all.Copy !req
392. They're a message. Aunt Josephine said
she and Ike developed secret codes.Copy !req
393. C for "ice" instead of "Ike."Copy !req
394. U for "unbearable"
instead of "inbearable."Copy !req
395. - R-D...
- L-E-D.Copy !req
396. Curdled Cave.Copy !req
397. That's where I got, too.Copy !req
398. But why would her last words
be about some cave?Copy !req
399. Maybe they're not her last words.Copy !req
400. What if she only wants
people to think that she's dead?Copy !req
401. People who don't care about
grammatical errors.Copy !req
402. - Like Count Olaf.
- Exactly.Copy !req
403. What if she's alive
and wants us to know where she's hiding?Copy !req
404. Curdled Cave.Copy !req
405. We have to find her.Copy !req
406. - How are we gonna get to the Curdled Cave?
- Look at the dotted line.Copy !req
407. It looks like the Fickle Ferry
goes to the Lavender Lighthouse,Copy !req
408. which is right next to the cave.Copy !req
409. I saw the schedule
when we arrived at Damocles Dock.Copy !req
410. The Fickle Ferry leaves every 17 minutes.Copy !req
411. Let's gather everything we might need.Copy !req
412. - Klaus!Copy !req
413. Klaus!Copy !req
414. Klaus!Copy !req
415. And, finally, there is still the matter
of Aunt Josephine's house to take care of.Copy !req
416. - Right.
- Those formsCopy !req
417. - need to be filled out in quintuplicate.Copy !req
418. Mmm!Copy !req
419. And then we can treat ourselvesCopy !req
420. to my second favorite candy
when I was a boy, peppermints.Copy !req
421. During tourist season at Lake Lachrymose,Copy !req
422. the Fickle Ferry brings visitors
from all over the worldCopy !req
423. to enjoy sunshine...Copy !req
424. fresh air...Copy !req
425. smoked mackerel. Mmm.Copy !req
426. The ferry leaves every 17 minutes
to the Lavender Lighthouse,Copy !req
427. where tourists can walk to Curdled CaveCopy !req
428. or they could bask in the lighthouse's
pale purple glow.Copy !req
429. But that's only when the weather is warm.Copy !req
430. During the off-season,
Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors,Copy !req
431. which is why the ferry company
has added two wordsCopy !req
432. to the bottom of their schedule
in fine print,Copy !req
433. a phrase which here meansCopy !req
434. "you might miss reading it
until it was too late."Copy !req
435. "Weather permitting."
- What does that mean?Copy !req
436. It means the Fickle Ferry isn't
running at all.Copy !req
437. Then how are we gonna get to Curdled Cave?Copy !req
438. There is also fine print attached
to this sad tale.Copy !req
439. A number of concerned people are worriedCopy !req
440. that if you watch the Baudelaire orphans
steal a sailboatCopy !req
441. and sail across Lake Lachrymose
in the middle of Hurricane Herman...Copy !req
442. We're gonna steal a sailboat,Copy !req
443. sail across Lake Lachrymose
in the middle of Hurricane Herman.Copy !req
444. you might be tempted
to do such a thing yourself.Copy !req
445. We're stealing these, too.Copy !req
446. So allow me to offer you
a piece of advice,Copy !req
447. even though
I don't know anything about you.Copy !req
448. Do not take a sailboat
that does not belong to you.Copy !req
449. We're just borrowing it.
We'll bring it back.Copy !req
450. And nobody will even know
what we're doing.Copy !req
451. And do not attempt to sail that sailboat
during a hurricane.Copy !req
452. Especially if, like the Baudelaires,Copy !req
453. you only have a vague idea
of how a sailboat works.Copy !req
454. I've read some aquatic literature.Copy !req
455. All we've got to do is use the sail
to catch the wind.Copy !req
456. I've seen this lever in naval blueprints.Copy !req
457. It's called the tiller.
It steers the ship.Copy !req
458. Now all we have to do
is sail across Lake LachrymoseCopy !req
459. in the middle of a hurricane.Copy !req
460. Sailing across Lake Lachrymose
in a hurricaneCopy !req
461. offers a plethora of challenges.Copy !req
462. "Plethora" is a word which here means
"too many to list," but I will try.Copy !req
463. Your boat might be tossed
into the Wicked Whirlpool...Copy !req
464. Mind the whirlpool!Copy !req
465. or dashed to bits
on the Rancorous Rocks.Copy !req
466. - Watch out for the rocks!Copy !req
467. And even if you were lucky enoughCopy !req
468. to spy the faint purple beam
of the Lavender Lighthouse...Copy !req
469. It's the Lavender Lighthouse.Copy !req
470. it would be an outright miracle
if your boat were not destroyedCopy !req
471. at the craggy entrance of Curdled Cave.Copy !req
472. Fortunately, the Baudelaires
were about to learnCopy !req
473. what any local weatherperson can tell you.Copy !req
474. All storms eventually break.Copy !req
475. Even Hurricane Herman.Copy !req
476. Lake Lachrymose is actually very pretty.Copy !req
477. I never noticed it before.Copy !req
478. I guess we got used to looking at it
through Aunt Josephine's eyes.Copy !req
479. Curdled Cave is for sale.Copy !req
480. Who would want to live
in such a phantasmagorical place?Copy !req
481. - What is that sound?Copy !req
482. Just the wind... probably.Copy !req
483. I read that when wind passes
through small spaces, like caves,Copy !req
484. it can make strange noises.
It's nothing to be afraid of.Copy !req
485. I'm afraid of it anyway.Copy !req
486. Me, too.Copy !req
487. - Are you...Copy !req
488. okay?Copy !req
489. You figured it out!
I knew you could figure it out.Copy !req
490. I knew you would decode my message.Copy !req
491. - Klaus really did it.
- But Violet knew how to work the sailboat.Copy !req
492. Without Violet,
we never would've made it here.Copy !req
493. Sunny spotted the lighthouse.Copy !req
494. Well, I am so glad to see all of you.Copy !req
495. Just let me catch my breath
and I'll help you bring in your things.Copy !req
496. - What things?
- Your luggage, of course.Copy !req
497. I hope you brought food. I'm out.Copy !req
498. - We didn't bring any food.
No food?Copy !req
499. How in the world did you expect
to live with me in this caveCopy !req
500. if you didn't bring any food?Copy !req
501. We didn't come here to live with you.Copy !req
502. Then why did you come?Copy !req
503. Whatever word that was, Sunny,
it was grammatically incorrect.Copy !req
504. But maybe one of your siblingsCopy !req
505. will explain in correct English
why you're here.Copy !req
506. Because Captain Sham
almost had us in his clutches.Copy !req
507. Everyone thought you were dead,
and in your will and testament,Copy !req
508. you wrote that we should be placed
in the care of Captain Sham.Copy !req
509. He forced me to do that.Copy !req
510. We were only halfway through
our fried-egg sandwichesCopy !req
511. when Captain Sham told me
that he was really...Copy !req
512. - Count Olaf.
- Count Olaf.Copy !req
513. He said I had to write out a will saying
you children would be left in his care,Copy !req
514. or he would drown me in the lake.Copy !req
515. I was so frightened
that I agreed immediately,Copy !req
516. but hid a secret message
I hoped you children would find.Copy !req
517. Of course,
then I knew my life was truly in danger.Copy !req
518. I waited for my opportunity...Copy !req
519. [sighs, mutters] Come on.Copy !req
520. Here's Shammy!Copy !req
521. And faked my own death.Copy !req
522. Well, that... worked out.Copy !req
523. It's a good thing
I remembered to put gasCopy !req
524. in my recreational watercraft.Copy !req
525. - Aunt Josephine?
- Aunt Josephine?Copy !req
526. Why didn't you take us with you?Copy !req
527. Why did you leave us
all alone by ourselves?Copy !req
528. Why didn't you protect us
from Count Olaf?Copy !req
529. Oh, Violet...Copy !req
530. it is not grammatically correct
to say "leave us all alone by ourselves."Copy !req
531. You can say "leave us all alone,"
or "leave us by ourselves,"Copy !req
532. but not both. Do you understand?Copy !req
533. That didn't sound grammatical either,
but we'll say no more about it.Copy !req
534. We have all had a very trying day,Copy !req
535. but I don't think Captain Sham
will ever find us here.Copy !req
536. We can share Curdled Cave
for the rest of our lives.Copy !req
537. We're not staying here.Copy !req
538. We're taking the sailboat
back to the town,Copy !req
539. and we're taking you with us.Copy !req
540. No way, José.Copy !req
541. I am too frightened of Count Olaf
to face him.Copy !req
542. But if you tell Mr. Poe what happened,Copy !req
543. then Count Olaf will be locked away
and we'll be safe, all of us.Copy !req
544. You can tell him that if you want.
I am staying here.Copy !req
545. He won't believe us unless you come along
and prove you're alive.Copy !req
546. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
547. I am too afraid.Copy !req
548. We're all afraid.Copy !req
549. We were afraid
when you brought home Count Olaf.Copy !req
550. We were afraid when we thought
you had jumped out a window.Copy !req
551. We were afraid to give ourselves
allergic reactions,Copy !req
552. we were afraid to steal a sailboat,Copy !req
553. and we were afraid to make our way
across Lake LachrymoseCopy !req
554. in the middle of a hurricane.Copy !req
555. But that didn't stop us!Copy !req
556. I can't help it
if you are braver than I am.Copy !req
557. I can't do it.Copy !req
558. I am going to live here
for the rest of my life,Copy !req
559. and there is nothing you can say
that will change my mind.Copy !req
560. You know Curdled Cave is for sale.Copy !req
561. So what?Copy !req
562. Well, that just means that before long,Copy !req
563. certain people are going to want
to look at it.Copy !req
564. And some of those people...Copy !req
565. will be real estate agents.Copy !req
566. Okay, let's go.Copy !req
567. Uh-oh.Copy !req
568. Uh-oh.Copy !req
569. Uh-oh.Copy !req
570. Aunt Josephine, I really do wish
you'd stop saying that.Copy !req
571. Hurricane Herman is over,
the sailboat is working perfectlyCopy !req
572. and we'll be back to Damocles Dock
by morning.Copy !req
573. We're as safe as can possibly be expected.Copy !req
574. Maybe...Copy !req
575. maybe you could think back to a timeCopy !req
576. when you were a little more
fierce and formidable.Copy !req
577. - Where did you find this?
In the library.Copy !req
578. I haven't seen this photograph in years.Copy !req
579. Lucky Smells Lumbermill.
Ah, it's not far from here.Copy !req
580. Oh, look at Ike.Copy !req
581. Look how handsome he looks in that hat.Copy !req
582. Oh, and look at Monty!Copy !req
583. And our parents.
Yes.Copy !req
584. And your parents.Copy !req
585. Such brave and noble people.Copy !req
586. Oh, how I miss them.
We miss them, too.Copy !req
587. But we have questions about them.Copy !req
588. They never told us about you.
They never told us about Uncle Monty.Copy !req
589. I have a feeling there's lots of things
they never told us about.Copy !req
590. Your parents, Baudelaires,
wanted to raise you in a quiet world,Copy !req
591. far away from the fiery injustices
that were threatening all of us.Copy !req
592. They were trying to keep you safe.Copy !req
593. - It didn't work.
- No. No, it didn't.Copy !req
594. Not long after this photograph was taken,Copy !req
595. your parents and I had to make
a vastly frightening decision.Copy !req
596. I remember that day so well, Klaus.Copy !req
597. Your mother had just wrestled
one of our enemies to the ground,Copy !req
598. when she turned to me and said...Copy !req
599. - Uh-oh.
- What?Copy !req
600. - Uh-oh. And I mean it this time.
- What's wrong?Copy !req
601. We are now entering the territory
of the Lachrymose Leeches.Copy !req
602. Oh, my poor Ike!Copy !req
603. He always loved shredded beef tamales,
and they ended up sealing his doom.Copy !req
604. I'm sure we'll be all right.Copy !req
605. You said that the leeches
were usually harmless.Copy !req
606. Unless you have recently eaten.Copy !req
607. We haven't eaten anything since those
peppermints at the Anxious Clown.Copy !req
608. That was brunch,
and it's almost morning now.Copy !req
609. You didn't eat anything recently,
did you, Aunt Josephine?Copy !req
610. Aunt Josephine?Copy !req
611. Banana.Copy !req
612. I ate a banana
just before you arrived.Copy !req
613. - Uh-oh.
- I'm sure there's nothing to worry about.Copy !req
614. Leeches are very small animals.Copy !req
615. If we were in the water,
we might have reason to fear,Copy !req
616. but I doubt they'd attack a sailboat.Copy !req
617. Hurricane Herman might have even
scared them out of the territory.Copy !req
618. Uh-oh.Copy !req
619. You see? We're perfectly safe.Copy !req
620. Yeah. Perfectly safe.
See? They're leaving.Copy !req
621. - Whoa!Copy !req
622. We're gonna need to sail
much, much faster,Copy !req
623. or this boat will be in pieces in no time.Copy !req
624. But sailing relies on wind.
We can't make the wind go any faster.Copy !req
625. Please don't throw me overboard!
I'm too frightened!Copy !req
626. Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.Copy !req
627. - Well, rowing's not gonna work.
- Rowing won't help anyway.Copy !req
628. This boat is sinking. We need help.Copy !req
629. How are we gonna get help
in the middle of a lake?Copy !req
630. We just need a signal.Copy !req
631. That's right, darling.
Close your eyes.Copy !req
632. That's what I do when I'm afraid.Copy !req
633. It always makes me feel better
to block out the fear.Copy !req
634. Let's all close our eyes,Copy !req
635. as if we're watching
some on-screen entertainmentCopy !req
636. that's too scary for people our age.Copy !req
637. Violet's not blocking out anything.Copy !req
638. That's how she concentrates.Copy !req
639. Fire alarms.Copy !req
640. - What?
- Fire alarms.Copy !req
641. Oh, please don't say
any more scary things.Copy !req
642. I'm frightened enough.Copy !req
643. Fire alarms are an excellent way
to signal for assistance.Copy !req
644. - We need noise, we need light.Copy !req
645. - We need to start a fire.
- Won't that get us in more danger?Copy !req
646. If we start a fire for light
and hit the bucket for noise,Copy !req
647. we can attract attention.Copy !req
648. It'll be hard to start a fire.
Everything here is...Copy !req
649. wet from the storm!Copy !req
650. Not everything.
Aunt Josephine, I need your scarf.Copy !req
651. No! I need it more.
I need it to protect my neck.Copy !req
652. I don't have time to argue with you.
I'm trying to save each of our lives!Copy !req
653. The expression is
"saving all of our lives"Copy !req
654. not "saving each of our—"Copy !req
655. - Sit down!Copy !req
656. Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!Copy !req
657. How do we light this?Copy !req
658. Well, there's friction, but that requires
technique, patience and dry conditions.Copy !req
659. There has to be another way.Copy !req
660. The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light.Copy !req
661. The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light?Copy !req
662. The scientific principle of the divergence
and refraction of light.Copy !req
663. You know, when horrible people
use a magnifying glass to burn ants.Copy !req
664. Olaf used to do that.Copy !req
665. Theoretically, if I can catch
enough light from the lighthouse beam...Copy !req
666. - That seems unlikely.
- Just try your best.Copy !req
667. It doesn't matter if I try my best.
What matters is what happens.Copy !req
668. It won't work! The angle's wrong.Copy !req
669. The light just needs to refract off
of something else to reach us.Copy !req
670. There is nothing else. We're all alone.Copy !req
671. - I think I see something down there!
- If only we brought the spyglass.Copy !req
672. These will have to do.Copy !req
673. - You did it.
- We did it.Copy !req
674. It's a plane.Copy !req
675. Klaus, lower the sail.Copy !req
676. Help!Copy !req
677. Save me!Copy !req
678. Save me!Copy !req
679. - Help! Help!
- Save me!Copy !req
680. It's a small boat in distress.Copy !req
681. Why would anybody be on the lake
so soon after a hurricane?Copy !req
682. Maybe they're trying
to reach their family, too.Copy !req
683. - They'll never make it.
- Unless we help them.Copy !req
684. I could fly low,
reduce our speed to 80 knots.Copy !req
685. We need to find a way to extract them.Copy !req
686. - I wish we had that grappling hook.
- Wait, ferry approaching.Copy !req
687. - Can it make it?
- Pulling up now!Copy !req
688. - They'll be okay.Copy !req
689. Which might be
more than I can say about us.Copy !req
690. This might be a bit of a rough landing.
Brace yourself.Copy !req
691. I always do.Copy !req
692. We're saved!Copy !req
693. We are saved!Copy !req
694. Oh, my! Oh!Copy !req
695. Oh, my goodness.
What a relief.Copy !req
696. Oh!Copy !req
697. We don't know how to thank you.Copy !req
698. I can think of a way.Copy !req
699. Oh, no!Copy !req
700. You can stop faking your death
and running away and rescuing each otherCopy !req
701. and making me ferry around
this godforsaken lake searching for you.Copy !req
702. Parenting is exhausting.Copy !req
703. You're not our parent
and you never will be.Copy !req
704. On the contrary,Copy !req
705. Mr. Poe is putting the finishing touches
on your adoption papers this very moment.Copy !req
706. In a few hours, you will be Violet,
Klaus and Sunny Sham.Copy !req
707. When we explain that you forced
Aunt Josephine to write that note,Copy !req
708. Mr. Poe will tear those adoption papers
into a thousand pieces.Copy !req
709. And who is Mr. Poe going to believe?Copy !req
710. The owner of a respectable
lakeside rental agency,Copy !req
711. or three runaway pip-squeaks
who go around stealing boats?Copy !req
712. We only stole that boat to retrieve
Aunt Josephine from her hiding spotCopy !req
713. so she could tell everybody
about your terrible plan.Copy !req
714. Is this true?Copy !req
715. Uh-huh.Copy !req
716. You were going to betray me?Copy !req
717. - Mmm.
- After all the years we spent together?Copy !req
718. After all of those picnics by the shore?Copy !req
719. After all of those shredded beef tamales
I served to your husband?Copy !req
720. After all the secrets we had shared?Copy !req
721. Yes! I was going to betray you,Copy !req
722. and these three children
gave me the courage to do so.Copy !req
723. Ever since their parents were killed,
they have been so fierce and formidable,Copy !req
724. again and again
escaping from your clutches.Copy !req
725. And what have I done all these years?Copy !req
726. Nothing but hide in my house.
Well, enough of that.Copy !req
727. My house can topple off a cliff
for all I care.Copy !req
728. Later.Copy !req
729. I am ready to be fierce
and formidable again myself,Copy !req
730. and to face you, Count Olaf!Copy !req
731. I have had enough of your schemes!
I have had enough of your plots!Copy !req
732. I have had enough
of your greed and your betrayal.Copy !req
733. Listen to me, Olaf,
you villain, you wretch,Copy !req
734. you vastly untalented actor!Copy !req
735. Ooh.Copy !req
736. I'm going to tell you something
I should've told you a long time ago.Copy !req
737. And what might that be?Copy !req
738. It's "have"!Copy !req
739. What?Copy !req
740. You said,
"After all the secrets we had shared."Copy !req
741. You should have said,
"After all the secrets we have shared."Copy !req
742. You made a serious grammatical error!Copy !req
743. Let me make sure I understand.Copy !req
744. You would not say,Copy !req
745. "Josephine Anwhistle had been
thrown overboard to the leeches,"Copy !req
746. because that would be incorrect.Copy !req
747. But if you said, "Josephine Anwhistle
has been thrown overboard to the leeches,"Copy !req
748. you would be all right with that?Copy !req
749. Yes.Copy !req
750. I mean...Copy !req
751. No!Copy !req
752. - I mean...
- I think I finally understand the lesson.Copy !req
753. Aunt Josephine!Copy !req
754. Fiends! All of you!Copy !req
755. - Aunt Josephine!Copy !req
756. This does actually seem, like, a little—Copy !req
757. Take the boat to Damocles Dock!
Our work here is done.Copy !req
758. But Josephine?Copy !req
759. Josephine, Schmosephine.Copy !req
760. As I'm sure you know,
one way to demonstrateCopy !req
761. you don't care about something
is to say the wordCopy !req
762. and then repeat the word
with the letters S-C-H-MCopy !req
763. replacing the real first letters.Copy !req
764. If you didn't care about
truth and justice, for example,Copy !req
765. you might say "truth, schmuth"
or "justice, schmustice."Copy !req
766. But as Count Olaf steered the Baudelaire
orphans away from the Lachrymose Leeches,Copy !req
767. their feelings about Aunt Josephine
were far more complicated.Copy !req
768. She had given them a home, even if it was
cold and not hurricane-proof.Copy !req
769. She had tried to teach them, even if
it wasn't what they wanted to learn.Copy !req
770. And like the Baudelaires,
she had experienced great loss.Copy !req
771. And while that doesn't make
a good guardian,Copy !req
772. it didn't make her a bad person.Copy !req
773. For this reason, the Baudelaires
did not think, "Josephine, Schmosephine."Copy !req
774. They thought...
"We hope Aunt Josephine is safe."Copy !req
775. Everybody off!Copy !req
776. - Klaus?
- Look.Copy !req
777. Lucky Smells Lumbermill.Copy !req
778. Aunt Josephine said it wasn't far.Copy !req
779. Come on. We don't have all day.Copy !req
780. What am I supposed to do with you?Copy !req
781. You said you were going
to go home and rest,Copy !req
782. but instead you steal a sailboat
and push Josephine's house down a hill?Copy !req
783. I missed the prehurricane discount
tickets and had to spend the nightCopy !req
784. in a bed and breakfast
that uses powdered eggs!Copy !req
785. I wouldn't be surprised if Captain ShamCopy !req
786. was no longer interested
in serving as your guardian,Copy !req
787. even though I filled out
these forms in triplicateCopy !req
788. while he boated around Lake Lachrymose
looking for you on a hunch.Copy !req
789. I don't have a hunch.Copy !req
790. Well, I'll admit the children's behavior
did make me have second thoughts.Copy !req
791. But then I also had third thoughts,Copy !req
792. which are how empty
my wallet and my heart are.Copy !req
793. I truly think that the Baudelaires can beCopy !req
794. an enormous, enormous fortune in my life.Copy !req
795. And so...
as I used to say to my dearest friend,Copy !req
796. the late Josephine What's-her-name...Copy !req
797. - get in the car.
- We're not going anywhere with you.Copy !req
798. Mr. Poe, this man is really
Count Olaf in disguise.Copy !req
799. He murdered Aunt Josephine in cold blood.Copy !req
800. Uh, actually, cold water.Copy !req
801. Klaus, we've been through this.
There's absolutely nothing at this pointCopy !req
802. that will convince me
that this man is actually Count Olaf.Copy !req
803. And you have no evidence
to support these wild accusations,Copy !req
804. and I cannot, on behalf
of Mulctuary Money Management,Copy !req
805. merely take the word of a single child.Copy !req
806. You don't have to take the word
of a single child.Copy !req
807. You can take the word of all three of us.Copy !req
808. Uh, actually, it's more like two.
The baby doesn't really count. I mean...Copy !req
809. My leg!Copy !req
810. My leg has grown back! It's amazing!Copy !req
811. It's incredible!Copy !req
812. It's wonderful! It's a medical miracle!Copy !req
813. It's a mitzvah!Copy !req
814. Oh, come now, that won't work.Copy !req
815. Even a child can see
that peg leg was false.Copy !req
816. A child did see
that the peg leg was false.Copy !req
817. - Three children, in fact.
- But you didn't listen.Copy !req
818. You never listen.Copy !req
819. Well, perhaps the peg leg was false.Copy !req
820. But I have never seen
this tattoo in my life.Copy !req
821. Oh, come now, that won't work either.Copy !req
822. You tried to hide the tattoo
with the peg leg.Copy !req
823. Maybe the tattoo is real.Copy !req
824. - But I am not this Count Olaf person.
Look.Copy !req
825. Lucky Smells Lumbermill.Copy !req
826. - Let's go.
- My name is Captain Sham.Copy !req
827. It says so on my business card.Copy !req
828. Oh, oh, come now,
that won't work either again.Copy !req
829. Business cards don't prove anything.Copy !req
830. Anyone can go to a print shop and have
cards made up that say anything they like.Copy !req
831. Well, maybe I'm not Captain Sham,
but the children still belong to me.Copy !req
832. Josephine told me so.Copy !req
833. Oh, come now,
that won't work for the final time.Copy !req
834. Josephine left the children
to Captain Sham, not Count Olaf.Copy !req
835. You are Count Olaf and not Captain Sham.Copy !req
836. You are going to jail,Copy !req
837. and the children will come with me and
we'll settle this once and for...Copy !req
838. Baudelaires?Copy !req
839. Baudelaires?Copy !req
840. Baudelaire...Copy !req
841. Baudelaires!Copy !req
842. Baudelaires?Copy !req
843. Baudelaire...Copy !req
844. Baudelaires?
Well, I'll find them in a minute.Copy !req
845. You will stay here, Count Olaf,
and I'll finally contact the...Copy !req
846. Count Olaf!Copy !req
847. - Count Olaf!Copy !req
848. I'm all alone.Copy !req
849. What's that thing Haruki Murakami said?Copy !req
850. "When you come out of the storm,Copy !req
851. you won't be the same person
who walked in."Copy !req
852. Before that part.Copy !req
853. "You won't even be sure, in fact...Copy !req
854. whether the storm is really over."Copy !req
855. Do you think we made the right choice?Copy !req
856. Doesn't matter
if we made the right choice.Copy !req
857. What matters is what happens.Copy !req