1. Good evening,
and welcome to Lachrymose News,Copy !req
2. where things that are happening
keep happening until they stop.Copy !req
3. Not unlike the plight
of the Baudelaire orphans,Copy !req
4. whom, viewers will recall,
lost their parentsCopy !req
5. and their home in a terrible fire.Copy !req
6. With the latest update
on their dire plightCopy !req
7. is our co-anchor Vincent Fig Demetrios.Copy !req
8. - Vincent?
- Thanks, Veronica.Copy !req
9. Viewers will recall
that following the fire,Copy !req
10. the Baudelaires were sent
to live with Count Olaf,Copy !req
11. a villainous actor and an active villain
who has vowed repeatedlyCopy !req
12. that he will stop at nothing
to get his hands on the enormous fortuneCopy !req
13. the Baudelaire parents left behind.Copy !req
14. Let's hope so, Vincent.Copy !req
15. Coming up next,
some very nice people were poisoned.Copy !req
16. But first, the weather.Copy !req
17. If the story of the Baudelaire orphans
were a weather report,Copy !req
18. there would be hardly any sunshine
to be seen.Copy !req
19. Instead, there would be
cloudbursts of unhappiness.Copy !req
20. Blizzards of despair.Copy !req
21. Misery in the form of sleet storms.Copy !req
22. Various cold fronts of terror.Copy !req
23. Horror.Copy !req
24. Attacks of allergies.Copy !req
25. Not to mention the threat of a devastating
hurricane lurking just off the map.Copy !req
26. If you didn't know about the Baudelaire
orphans' unfortunate historyCopy !req
27. and you saw them disembark
from the Fickle FerryCopy !req
28. and arrive at Damocles Dock,Copy !req
29. you might think
they were bound for an exciting adventure.Copy !req
30. Here we are, Baudelaires. Deemo...Copy !req
31. - But you would be dead wrong.
- Dimmo...Copy !req
32. - My name is Lemony Snicket.
- Dudy Damo...Copy !req
33. - It's my sad duty...
- Democlay...Copy !req
34. to tell the tale
of the Baudelaires' tragic lives.Copy !req
35. Dimoclath...Copy !req
36. But you likely have
no such responsibilities...Copy !req
37. - Dimoclat...
- And should escape from this sad story...Copy !req
38. - Demcaca...
- before another storm of melancholyCopy !req
39. - engulfs you in dampness and misery.
- Dock.Copy !req
40. It's pronounced Damocles.Copy !req
41. After the probably apocryphal figure
in Sicilian mythology.Copy !req
42. Well, I don't have time to learn things.
The banking day has already begun.Copy !req
43. In any case, I'm sure you'll be off
on some exciting adventureCopy !req
44. with your new guardian.Copy !req
45. Remember, you can always rely on us
at Mulctuary Money Management.Copy !req
46. Now, if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
47. I will leave you alone
on this mostly deserted dockCopy !req
48. to await for your taxi
to your Aunt Josephine's house.Copy !req
49. She's not meeting us here?Copy !req
50. Strangely, she said
she'd be unable to come to the dock,Copy !req
51. and I didn't think it polite to ask why.Copy !req
52. Perhaps she's planning
a surprise party for you children.Copy !req
53. Which reminds me,Copy !req
54. I know you've had
a frightening and mystifying timeCopy !req
55. with that horrible man, what, um, Count...Copy !req
56. - What's his name? Um...
- Olaf.Copy !req
57. Olaf. Who knows where he came from?Copy !req
58. You put us in his care.Copy !req
59. I wouldn't exactly call it care.Copy !req
60. He's a thief and a murderer,
and so far has completely escaped capture.Copy !req
61. But I have the thing
that just might turn things around.Copy !req
62. Peppermints!Copy !req
63. Delicious peppermints!
My second favorite candy when I was a boy.Copy !req
64. You can eat them in the taxi
on the way to meet your dowager aunt.Copy !req
65. - What's that?
- Oh, Violet, I'm surprised at you.Copy !req
66. A girl your age should know
that a taxi is a carCopy !req
67. that takes you someplace
for a reasonable fee.Copy !req
68. - And this should just about cover it.Copy !req
69. Cheers, Baudelaires!Copy !req
70. Good luck.Copy !req
71. - "Dowager" is a fancy word for widow.
Thank you.Copy !req
72. Should we have told him
we're allergic to peppermints?Copy !req
73. - It didn't seem worth mentioning.Copy !req
74. We have a lot more important things
on our minds.Copy !req
75. Like asking Aunt Josephine
if she can help explainCopy !req
76. all the strange and mysterious things
that keep happening to us.Copy !req
77. And how to get a taxi.Copy !req
78. Does anyone need a ride somewhere
for a reasonable fee?Copy !req
79. - This town doesn't seem very crowded.
- It's the off-season.Copy !req
80. When the weather's nice,
this town is as crowded as can be.Copy !req
81. But around now, things are as dead
as the cat I ran over this morning.Copy !req
82. - Hold on.Copy !req
83. I hope your Aunt Josephine
has enough food and suppliesCopy !req
84. when Hurricane Herman arrives.
It's supposed to be a doozy.Copy !req
85. I'm gonna sit it out in a cabin
with the works of Herman MelvilleCopy !req
86. and a large pot of vegetarian chili.Copy !req
87. I thought hurricanes only occurred
near oceans.Copy !req
88. With a body of water as large
as Lake Lachrymose, anything can happen.Copy !req
89. You know, what's interesting is
the storms in Herman Melville's workCopy !req
90. are more metaphorical,
or even allegorical,Copy !req
91. rather than the naturalistic style
of someone like Thoreau,Copy !req
92. if you know what I mean.Copy !req
93. The shore represents our tenuous hold
on the earthly nature of mortal existence,Copy !req
94. and the turbulent waters representCopy !req
95. the villainy and troubles
in our own lives.Copy !req
96. Like a threatening rowboat getting closer
and closer with each passing moment.Copy !req
97. Solitude.Copy !req
98. Blissful contemplation of my inward eye.Copy !req
99. Only when I am alone can I court the museCopy !req
100. and dream up the next step in my...Copy !req
101. glorious scheme.Copy !req
102. And what is
the next step, boss?Copy !req
103. Brute force?Copy !req
104. No, no. I need something
worthy of this grandiose locale.Copy !req
105. Something dashing, something romantic.Copy !req
106. You know, in many ways,
I am married to the sea.Copy !req
107. This is actually a large lake.Copy !req
108. I am married to the sea,
but my girlfriend is a large lake.Copy !req
109. - Land ho!
- I told you to stop calling me that.Copy !req
110. I'd say to him, "Lay off
the big white whale for a few days.Copy !req
111. See how you feel.
Take a vacation. Rest your leg."Copy !req
112. Wow!Copy !req
113. Your aunt must be a remarkable lady
to live all the way up here by herself.Copy !req
114. We've been told
Aunt Josephine is fierce and formidable.Copy !req
115. She must be.Copy !req
116. - Good luck!
- Thank you.Copy !req
117. I hope she really can answer
all of our questions.Copy !req
118. There's so much we don't know.Copy !req
119. It's like we're standing
on the edge of a precipiceCopy !req
120. with no idea what lies below.Copy !req
121. In fact, it was exactly like that.Copy !req
122. Although I do know what lies below,Copy !req
123. which is a 300-foot drop into
the freezing waters of Lake Lachrymose.Copy !req
124. Still, standing on a precipice is better
than slipping on a precipice,Copy !req
125. or falling over a precipice.Copy !req
126. So, before things get worse,Copy !req
127. I would advise that you take note
of the three wordsCopy !req
128. the Baudelaires were about to find
on Aunt Josephine's front door.Copy !req
129. "Please go away."Copy !req
130. Don't knock. You might get splinters.Copy !req
131. This door is made of wood,
which is teeming with tiny shards,Copy !req
132. which in turn is teeming with infection.
You must never knock.Copy !req
133. I'm sorry.
I'm sure you're right about all of that.Copy !req
134. We're looking for our Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
135. I'm Violet Baudelaire,
and these are my siblings—Copy !req
136. Klaus and Sunny, of course, of course.
Come in. Come in!Copy !req
137. - The doorbell didn't appear to be working.
- It's disconnected.Copy !req
138. There is the danger of electrocution.Copy !req
139. And be careful
not to bump into the phone.Copy !req
140. I've read quite a bit about electricity,Copy !req
141. and I'm reasonably certain
that doorbells and telephones are safe.Copy !req
142. Not if you have a faulty pacemaker.Copy !req
143. Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?Copy !req
144. No, but you can never be too careful.Copy !req
145. Do you live with our Aunt Josephine?Copy !req
146. I am your Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
147. - You are?
- Yes, of course.Copy !req
148. - Are you sure?
- Of course I'm sure.Copy !req
149. Although, I prefer the word "certain."
Follow me.Copy !req
150. But mind the rug.
You might trip and break your necks.Copy !req
151. Fierce Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
152. Formidable Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
153. "Delmo"?
What do you mean by "delmo"?Copy !req
154. I consider myself an expert
on the English language,Copy !req
155. and I have no idea
what the word "delmo" means.Copy !req
156. Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet.
Just baby talk, mostly.Copy !req
157. Well, you have arrived just in time.Copy !req
158. I know you've seen many unusual things.Copy !req
159. - Yes, we have.
- And you must have many questions.Copy !req
160. - Yes, we do.
- In my library,Copy !req
161. you will find all the answers
that you need.Copy !req
162. - Are you ready?
- We're ready.Copy !req
163. Then open the door.Copy !req
164. Ah! Just... just push on the wood.Copy !req
165. The knob could shatter
into a million pieces and hit your eyes!Copy !req
166. Lake Lachrymose.Copy !req
167. I know every island in its waters
and every cave along its shores.Copy !req
168. But now I can only stand to look at it
from far away.Copy !req
169. That's why I couldn't meet you
on the docks.Copy !req
170. I'm too haunted by the past.Copy !req
171. Does this have anything to do
with our parents?Copy !req
172. Certainly not.
It has to do with my husband...Copy !req
173. Ike. He was my best friend, my partner,Copy !req
174. and one of the few people I knew who could
whistle with crackers in his mouth.Copy !req
175. His specialty was
Beethoven's fourth string quartet.Copy !req
176. - Our mother could do that.
- Her specialtyCopy !req
177. was Mozart's 14th symphony.Copy !req
178. Yeah, that's right.Copy !req
179. We were all friends,
your parents and Ike and me.Copy !req
180. We used to gather
on these shores for picnicsCopy !req
181. and to develop our own secret codes.Copy !req
182. - Our parents developed secret codes?
- I'll never forget our last picnic.Copy !req
183. I warned Ike to wait an hour after eating
before going into the lake,Copy !req
184. - but he only waited 45 minutes.
Did he get cramps?Copy !req
185. That's what's supposed to happen
if you don't wait an hour before you swim.Copy !req
186. Cramps are one reason,
but in Lake Lachrymose, there's another.Copy !req
187. Part of the lake is a breeding ground
for the Lachrymose Leeches,Copy !req
188. which are quite different
from regular leeches.Copy !req
189. They each have six rows
of very sharp teethCopy !req
190. and one very sharp noseCopy !req
191. that can smell the tiniest bit of food
from far, far away.Copy !req
192. The Lachrymose Leeches
are usually quite harmless,Copy !req
193. but if they smell food on a human,Copy !req
194. they will start to swarm around him and...Copy !req
195. I apologize, children.Copy !req
196. It is grammatically incorrect
to end a sentence with the word "and,"Copy !req
197. but I get so upset when I think about Ike.Copy !req
198. - We're sorry we asked about him.
- We didn't mean to upset you.Copy !req
199. Aunt Josephine,
you said you had answers for us.Copy !req
200. Yes! Thank you for reminding me.Copy !req
201. As soon as Sunny said what she said,Copy !req
202. I knew you were missing
some crucial information.Copy !req
203. Sunny? What did she say?Copy !req
204. Don't you remember, Klaus?
She said "delmo,"Copy !req
205. and that's when I knew
what I had to impart.Copy !req
206. The key to making sense to this...
this confusing and terrifying world.Copy !req
207. Perhaps you're too young.Copy !req
208. - We can handle it.
- We can handle anything.Copy !req
209. Grammar.Copy !req
210. - Grammar?
- Grammar.Copy !req
211. Since I lost Ike,
I have devoted my life to the study of it.Copy !req
212. Here is a complete history of nouns.Copy !req
213. Oh! And there is an explicitly illustrated
encyclopedia of verbs.Copy !req
214. I am so happy to haveCopy !req
215. three young new charges
to learn everything,Copy !req
216. from the Oxford comma
to the Wesleyan semicolon.Copy !req
217. - Grammar.
- Grammar!Copy !req
218. It's the greatest joy in life,
don't you find?Copy !req
219. Aunt Josephine, what does grammar
have to do with developing secret codes?Copy !req
220. Uh, you used the wrong tense, Klaus.
It's a common grammatical error.Copy !req
221. You should have said,Copy !req
222. "What did grammar have to do
with developing secret codes?"Copy !req
223. - What did grammar have to do—
- Absolutely nothing.Copy !req
224. It's the clock.Copy !req
225. Lunch time.Copy !req
226. How does soup sound?Copy !req
227. Soup sounds wonderful.Copy !req
228. - Uh, cold soup.
- Oh, yes. I never cook anything hot.Copy !req
229. I'm afraid to turn on the stove.
It... it might burst into flames.Copy !req
230. This is chilled cucumber soup.
It's a recipe that I learned in Egypt,Copy !req
231. where I was briefly employed
as a snake charmer.Copy !req
232. Our father lived in Egypt
before we were born.Copy !req
233. - Is that when you—
- I don't talk about that.Copy !req
234. - When we were living with Uncle Monty—
- I said I don't talk about that.Copy !req
235. - But there was a statue—
- Klaus, I said I don't talk about that.Copy !req
236. You don't talk about that?
Or you won't?Copy !req
237. This is one of those
rare grammatical instancesCopy !req
238. where "don't" and "won't"
mean the same thing.Copy !req
239. I knew your parents a long time ago,
when things were very different.Copy !req
240. Those were fierce and formidable days.Copy !req
241. But I don't talk about that,
and you won't hear about that.Copy !req
242. I shouldn't have to tell you orphansCopy !req
243. there are many, many things
to be afraid of in this world.Copy !req
244. The safest strategy
is to be afraid of them all.Copy !req
245. I like to think of happier things.Copy !req
246. The joys of grammar
and how much Ike loved the sunshine.Copy !req
247. I like to imagine that where he is now,Copy !req
248. the weather is just as lovely
and sunny as can be.Copy !req
249. Of course, nobody knows
what happens to you when you die,Copy !req
250. but I like to think
that my husband is somewhere hot.Copy !req
251. Aunt Josephine, have you ever thought
about moving somewhere else?Copy !req
252. Maybe if you lived far away
from Lake Lachrymose,Copy !req
253. - you might feel better.
- We'd go with you.Copy !req
254. Maybe then you'd feel comfortable enoughCopy !req
255. to discuss some of the things
you don't and won't discuss.Copy !req
256. I could never sell this house.Copy !req
257. I'm afraid of real estate agents.Copy !req
258. I'm sure you know
there are two kinds of fears:Copy !req
259. rational and irrational.Copy !req
260. Or, in simpler terms,Copy !req
261. fears that make sense
and fears that don't.Copy !req
262. For instance, the Baudelaire orphans
had a fear of Count Olaf,Copy !req
263. which makes perfect sense
because he is an evil manCopy !req
264. who wants to destroy them.Copy !req
265. But if they were afraid
of lemon meringue pie,Copy !req
266. that would be an irrational fear
because lemon meringue pie is deliciousCopy !req
267. and has never hurt a soul.Copy !req
268. Being afraid of hurricanes
is perfectly rationalCopy !req
269. because they can be quite sinister
and destructive.Copy !req
270. But a fear of real estate agents,
a term which here meansCopy !req
271. "people who assist in the buying
and selling of houses,"Copy !req
272. would be an irrational fearCopy !req
273. because nothing sinister has ever come
from the real estate market.Copy !req
274. Count Olaf.
I didn't think I'd see you againCopy !req
275. after all that unpleasantness
with Mr. Snicket.Copy !req
276. What are you doing here?
It's the off-season.Copy !req
277. Thanks to a helpful real estate agent,
this restaurant is under new management.Copy !req
278. New management?
Don't make me laugh.Copy !req
279. You're not laughing.Copy !req
280. Neither are you.Copy !req
281. The Baudelaires are safe and sound
and learning everything they need to knowCopy !req
282. - about our secret organization.
- Oh?Copy !req
283. They should've begun their training
years ago, but it's not too late.Copy !req
284. Rats!Copy !req
285. Their new guardian is the most fierce
and formidable member of our organization.Copy !req
286. Wait, not Snicket?Copy !req
287. What? No. Isn't he dead?Copy !req
288. Is he?Copy !req
289. It doesn't matter.Copy !req
290. All your silly codes
and obscure literary referencesCopy !req
291. - can't save you.
- Oh?Copy !req
292. The Baudelaire children will be destroyed,Copy !req
293. - and their fortune will be mine.
- Rats!Copy !req
294. You and your ridiculous comrades
will be swept away.Copy !req
295. - We'll see about that.
- Yes, we will.Copy !req
296. That's what I'm saying.
You can push me around all you want—Copy !req
297. - Thank you.
- But Josephine will stop you.Copy !req
298. The children will stop you.Copy !req
299. Reports indicate
that they have incredible gifts.Copy !req
300. Josephine?Copy !req
301. Gifts!Copy !req
302. For Violet, a lovely doll...Copy !req
303. with plenty of outfits.Copy !req
304. Her name is Pretty Penny.Copy !req
305. - Isn't she adorable?
- She looks a little like Madame Curie.Copy !req
306. For Klaus, a deck of cards.Copy !req
307. I have never been a young boy,
but I hear they enjoy card games.Copy !req
308. I once read a book about the history
of legalized gambling.Copy !req
309. And for little Sunny, it is a rattle.Copy !req
310. - It makes a little noise.Copy !req
311. Do you like them?Copy !req
312. It's very generous of you, Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
313. Well, I know
my home isn't the warmest place,Copy !req
314. but if you follow the rules,
it will be a safe one.Copy !req
315. And as your guardian,
your safety is my greatest responsibility.Copy !req
316. That is why I put cans
near all the doors and windows each night.Copy !req
317. In case any burglars come in,
they trip over the cans and wake us up.Copy !req
318. But what if we're awake in the house
with an angry burglar?Copy !req
319. Angry burglar? Where?Copy !req
320. Aunt Josephine, you must be very worried
about Hurricane Herman.Copy !req
321. - Hurricane?
Herman.Copy !req
322. The taxi driver said
it's a huge storm headed our way.Copy !req
323. Oh, dear.Copy !req
324. We'll need food! We'll need supplies!Copy !req
325. We must all go to town immediately.Copy !req
326. Maybe my sisters and I could stay here.Copy !req
327. Good point. You never know
what might happen in a small town.Copy !req
328. You ever read Thornton Wilder?
Perhaps we should all stay here.Copy !req
329. Of course, but what if we run out of food
in the middle of a hurricane?Copy !req
330. - Wouldn't that be frightening?
- Terrifyingly frightening?Copy !req
331. I won't be long, children!Copy !req
332. Don't do anything dangerous!
You know, anything I wouldn't do!Copy !req
333. - Of course not!
- Nothing you wouldn't do!Copy !req
334. I know you don't care for the sound,Copy !req
335. but maybe I could use your rattle
to invent a burglar alarmCopy !req
336. so Aunt Josephine
won't have to rely on piles of cans.Copy !req
337. And, Sunny,
you can have the deck of cards.Copy !req
338. You enjoy playing poker more than I do.Copy !req
339. - That leaves you with the doll.
- Plenty of boys enjoy playing with dolls.Copy !req
340. Although, I would rather a book.Copy !req
341. - That doesn't seem fair.
- At least Aunt Josephine's trying.Copy !req
342. She wanted to get us gifts,
even though she didn't know what we liked.Copy !req
343. We shouldn't complain.Copy !req
344. You're right. She means well.Copy !req
345. Even though she's terrified of everything,
we shouldn't complain.Copy !req
346. You're right.Copy !req
347. - I want to complain anyway.
Let's get to work.Copy !req
348. Aunt Josephine told us
that all the answers we needCopy !req
349. were in her library,
but she made a grammatical error.Copy !req
350. Wait, let me get this straight.
Aunt Josephine made a grammatical error?Copy !req
351. The word "library" is singular,
meaning one.Copy !req
352. But this isn't one library, it's two.Copy !req
353. The one you see here...Copy !req
354. and the one you don't.Copy !req
355. Aunt Josephine might not open up,
but her safe might.Copy !req
356. That won't be easy.
That's why people have safes.Copy !req
357. Most safes use three numbers.Copy !req
358. That means that there are thousands
of possible combinations.Copy !req
359. One million.Copy !req
360. Aunt Josephine said that she
and our parents developed secret codes.Copy !req
361. In some codes,
numbers substitute for letters and words.Copy !req
362. It'd have to be something she'd remember.
Something she cares about.Copy !req
363. - "Grammar"?
- Too many letters.Copy !req
364. What else does she care about?
Cold food?Copy !req
365. Doorbell safety?Copy !req
366. Avoiding questions
about anything we want to know?Copy !req
367. That's three letters long.Copy !req
368. "I" is the ninth letter of the alphabet.Copy !req
369. Eleven for "K."Copy !req
370. And "E," the fifth.Copy !req
371. Crackers?Copy !req
372. Very high-pitched Beethoven.Copy !req
373. That's Ike's whistling music. And look...Copy !req
374. Aunt Josephine wrestling
with an alligator?Copy !req
375. And winning.Copy !req
376. Boxing. Skydiving.Copy !req
377. Who jumps out of a plane for fun?Copy !req
378. Cooking with fire.Copy !req
379. - She wasn't scared of anything.
- What happened to her?Copy !req
380. The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.Copy !req
381. All the answers are in here.Copy !req
382. Even if our guardian
won't tell us anything,Copy !req
383. we can still find out
what we're looking for.Copy !req
384. Not the doorknob!
Not the doorknob!Copy !req
385. Baudelaires.Copy !req
386. Baudelaires, there you are.Copy !req
387. Sunny!Copy !req
388. I found something very interesting
at the town market and petting zoo.Copy !req
389. Limes.Copy !req
390. I found two very interesting things
at the town market and petting zoo.Copy !req
391. One, yes, a great deal of limes
at a reasonable price.Copy !req
392. It's perfect for cold lime stew.Copy !req
393. The other is even better.Copy !req
394. Something wonderful.Copy !req
395. Baudelaires, I know I am a disappointment
to you and to countless others.Copy !req
396. Believe it or not, I used to be
a fierce and formidable woman.Copy !req
397. Your parents and I were more than friends.
We were associates.Copy !req
398. We were colleagues, comrades,
collaborators, allies, volunteers!Copy !req
399. But these are troubling times.Copy !req
400. I know you miss Ike very much.Copy !req
401. And I know you miss
your parents very much.Copy !req
402. It's a curious thing,
the death of a loved one.Copy !req
403. It's like climbing the stairs
to your room in the dark,Copy !req
404. thinking that there's one more stair
than there is.Copy !req
405. And your foot falls through the air,Copy !req
406. and there is a sickly feeling
of dark surprise.Copy !req
407. - That's exactly what it's like.
- It's terrifying.Copy !req
408. But today I realized,
with my hands full of limes,Copy !req
409. you can't be terrified forever.Copy !req
410. I think I am ready to be fierce
and formidable again.Copy !req
411. - And I think we can do it together.
- That sounds wonderful.Copy !req
412. So, can I leave you children alone
a few more hours?Copy !req
413. He wants to take me out
for a fried-egg sandwich.Copy !req
414. - What?
- I met a man,Copy !req
415. a gentleman,
at the town market and petting zoo.Copy !req
416. He has had a troubled past,Copy !req
417. and we're going to talk about it
over a fried-egg sandwich.Copy !req
418. It'll be good to have something hot
for a change.Copy !req
419. I just wanted to get a warm cardigan
that's flattering to my figure.Copy !req
420. You're going on a date?Copy !req
421. Don't be vulgar, Violet.
It is not a date, necessarily.Copy !req
422. It's just two adults sharing
quality time togetherCopy !req
423. over toasted rye bread and runny yolks.Copy !req
424. Oh, be nice to him, won't you?Copy !req
425. Just make small talk
while I get my sweater.Copy !req
426. Oh, Captain!Copy !req
427. Oh, Captain!Copy !req
428. I'm hobbling as fast as I can, Josephine.Copy !req
429. Well, good evening, children.Copy !req
430. My name is Captain Sham,
and my home is the sea.Copy !req
431. No, it isn't.Copy !req
432. Well, it's... it's a large lake.Copy !req
433. Don't be ridiculous.Copy !req
434. All right, all right.
My home is near a large lake.Copy !req
435. It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.Copy !req
436. We've already made your acquaintance.
You're Count Olaf.Copy !req
437. Count Olaf?Copy !req
438. Why would you bring up
such a terrifying person?Copy !req
439. Count Olaf!Copy !req
440. Just as I was working up the courage
to go put on my cardigan.Copy !req
441. Good thing we have a sea captain
to keep us safe.Copy !req
442. Aunt Josephine, this is not a sea captain.
This is Count Olaf.Copy !req
443. Klaus, I am shocked!Copy !req
444. It's true.Copy !req
445. I am shocked at your grammar.
You can't say, "This is Count Olaf."Copy !req
446. The proper sentence is,
"He is Count Olaf."Copy !req
447. Who is this Count Omar?
He sounds handsome.Copy !req
448. He has the same shiny eyes
and the same single eyebrow.Copy !req
449. Klaus! Grammar!Copy !req
450. - That is an eyepatch.
The tattoo!Copy !req
451. Count Olaf has a tattoo of an eye
on his left ankle.Copy !req
452. Violet...Copy !req
453. this man's left ankle was devoured during
his duties as a sailboat rental agent.Copy !req
454. That's how the two of us met.Copy !req
455. - I was shopping for limes.
- She was shopping for limes.Copy !req
456. Shall I?
Oh, you tell it.Copy !req
457. - No, you tell it.
- Very well.Copy !req
458. I remember it as if it were yesterday.Copy !req
459. Although it was only a few hours ago.Copy !req
460. Very fresh dill. Very fresh dill.Copy !req
461. Have you heard
that Captain Sham is in town?Copy !req
462. What a wonderful and handsome fellow
that Captain Sham is.Copy !req
463. Fish heads! Fish heads!
Roly-poly fish heads!Copy !req
464. - Speaking of handsome...
- Have you heard about Captain Sham?Copy !req
465. I'm talking to myself about Captain Sham.Copy !req
466. - Limes. A whole lot of limes.
- Limes!Copy !req
467. - Limes.
- I need some limes.Copy !req
468. - I sell limes.
- Oh, citric acid.Copy !req
469. Would you allow me, madam?Copy !req
470. I have an eye for ripeness,Copy !req
471. and I've always thought
that the tangiest pulpCopy !req
472. comes from the toughest rinds.Copy !req
473. Oh, my.Copy !req
474. Of course, you're probably
far too young to understand that, Miss...Copy !req
475. Anwhistle. Josephine Anwhistle.Copy !req
476. I'm Captain Sham.Copy !req
477. - The brave Captain Sham?
- The famous Captain Sham?Copy !req
478. - The Captain Sham.
- Who isn't in disguise?Copy !req
479. - Oh, I've heard your name everywhere.
- Yes, that's the idea.Copy !req
480. My name is Captain Sham,
and my home is the sea.Copy !req
481. Oh, I would have thought you lived nearby.Copy !req
482. Large lake, large lake.Copy !req
483. I am so happy to make the acquaintance
of a local personage.Copy !req
484. I've been so lonely since I lost my...Copy !req
485. - Um...
- Left.Copy !req
486. Left leg.Copy !req
487. I'm so sorry.Copy !req
488. Yeah, I've been fitted
with a wooden prosthetic.Copy !req
489. - How did it happen?
- Um, we used half of an old broom.Copy !req
490. - No, I mean, the accident.
- Oh, the accident!Copy !req
491. Nobody could possibly understand.Copy !req
492. It's un-understandable.Copy !req
493. - I was sitting on my boat...
- The way sailors do.Copy !req
494. - enjoying some pasta puttanesca...
- Which is also totally normal.Copy !req
495. - when I spilled some on my leg.
- And a very handsome leg it was.Copy !req
496. Before I knew it,
the leeches were attacking me.Copy !req
497. - Terrible!
Ghastly!Copy !req
498. I fought them off as best I could.Copy !req
499. - Ka-pow!
- Zoink!Copy !req
500. - But my right leg was not strong enough.
- Left.Copy !req
501. My right leg was not strong enough
to rescue my left leg.Copy !req
502. - That's terrible.
- Yes, it is terrible.Copy !req
503. And no one can understand.Copy !req
504. - Can you, stranger?
- No.Copy !req
505. - You, other stranger?
- No.Copy !req
506. - I wish I could understand.
- Because you're so very handsome.Copy !req
507. You see, nobody can understand,
and that's why I'm all alone.Copy !req
508. Aw!Copy !req
509. I can understand, Captain Sham.Copy !req
510. - What?
- It can't be!Copy !req
511. - Extra...
- ... ordinary.Copy !req
512. I don't believe it.Copy !req
513. That's just how it happened
with my husband.Copy !req
514. - That wasn't pasta.
- Leeches.Copy !req
515. I lost my husband
to the Lachrymose Leeches.Copy !req
516. Good heavens!
I had absolutely no idea. I swear.Copy !req
517. None of us did.Copy !req
518. I've never even heard of your husband Ike.Copy !req
519. Then... you do understand.Copy !req
520. - I think I do.
- What?Copy !req
521. - Two lost...
- ... and damaged souls.Copy !req
522. K-I-S-S-I-N-G.Copy !req
523. Could it be possible
that my lonely days are over?Copy !req
524. I have been lonely, too.
And I disconnected the doorbell.Copy !req
525. - Why did you do that?
- Because of electrocution.Copy !req
526. - That's crazy.
- Uh, boss!Copy !req
527. Crazy because
I did the exact same thing myself!Copy !req
528. - Really?
- Okay, yes.Copy !req
529. The world is so terrifying.Copy !req
530. It is? It is!
Just like the rough and tumultuous sea.Copy !req
531. - Lake.
- Lake.Copy !req
532. Well, perhaps I need a captain.Copy !req
533. Yes. Yes!Copy !req
534. Perhaps we should sail this fragile
and flammable world together.Copy !req
535. - Sail?
- Yes, I'm a sailboat rental agent.Copy !req
536. Is that anything
like a real estate agent?Copy !req
537. It's actually quite similar.Copy !req
538. Absolutely not.
See? I have my own business card.Copy !req
539. "Captain Sham's Sailboats.
Every boat has it's own sail."Copy !req
540. Oh, Captain, you have made
a serious grammatical error here.Copy !req
541. What?Copy !req
542. This card says "it's," I-T-apostrophe-S.Copy !req
543. That always means "it is."Copy !req
544. You don't mean to say
"Every boat has it is own sail."Copy !req
545. You mean simply I-T-S,
as in "belonging to it."Copy !req
546. It's a common mistake, but a dreadful one.Copy !req
547. Thank you for pointing that out.Copy !req
548. Care to accompany me on a cruise
through leech-infested waters?Copy !req
549. Oh, no, Captain. I couldn't possibly
go out on Lake Lachrymose.Copy !req
550. Not after what happened to my husband.Copy !req
551. I'm surprised you can.Copy !req
552. I can't! I never said I could. Uh...Copy !req
553. Fried-egg sandwich.Copy !req
554. How would you like to go get
a fried-egg sandwich?Copy !req
555. What an opportunity.Copy !req
556. - I'm so...
- ... jealous.Copy !req
557. - I'd love to.
- Great.Copy !req
558. Perhaps I could review it one more time.
I-T-apostrophe-S.Copy !req
559. I'm sure they understand, Josephine!Copy !req
560. After all, these three children
aren't blithering morons,Copy !req
561. are you, Baudelaires?Copy !req
562. No, they're wonderful,
obedient little orphans.Copy !req
563. Maybe one day, they'll also let me
take them on a boat ride, very far away.Copy !req
564. Ahoy, a hairless pygmy!Copy !req
565. She is a baby and you know that.Copy !req
566. We'll discuss
what sort of pygmy she is later.Copy !req
567. In the meantime, the adults have a date.Copy !req
568. - I'll get my cardigan.
- Hmm.Copy !req
569. Aunt Josephine!Copy !req
570. Oh, Violet, calm down.
I'll be back in a jiffy!Copy !req
571. So...Copy !req
572. long time, no see.Copy !req
573. - You'll never get away with this.
- Get away with what?Copy !req
574. I'm just a sea captain
romancing a fierce and formidable woman.Copy !req
575. - You're not a sea captain.
- Oh, yes, I am.Copy !req
576. It says so on my business cards.Copy !req
577. Business cards aren't proof of anything.
Anyone can go to a print shopCopy !req
578. and have cards made
that say anything they like.Copy !req
579. Well, you're just a heap of facts,
aren't you, Klaus?Copy !req
580. Facts and facts and facts and facts!Copy !req
581. But none of them do you any good.Copy !req
582. Just like poor Uncle Monty.Copy !req
583. And your parents, may they rest in ashes.Copy !req
584. Oh, Captain Sham?Copy !req
585. Aunt Josephine,
we have to tell you something.Copy !req
586. That's right!
Stay back, Josephine! Stay back!Copy !req
587. There's lit candles in here!Copy !req
588. Everyone remain calm.Copy !req
589. Remain calm!Copy !req
590. Oh, the heat!Copy !req
591. The heat!Copy !req
592. The danger has passed. It's fine now.Copy !req
593. The orphans tried to engulf your entire
house in flames, but it's fine now.Copy !req
594. Oh, thank you, Captain Sham.Copy !req
595. Please...Copy !req
596. call me... Julio.Copy !req
597. Julio.Copy !req
598. - Now, let's get a fried egg in you, madam.
- I would like that very much.Copy !req
599. Though the orphans would like
to say they're sorry,Copy !req
600. wouldn't you, orphans?Copy !req
601. We're very sorry.Copy !req
602. We'll speak no more about it, Baudelaires.Copy !req
603. Clean up the dishes and go to bed.
And no more candles.Copy !req
604. - Yes, Aunt Josephine.
- Or doorknobs!Copy !req
605. - Of course.
- Or—Copy !req
606. Come now, Josephine.Copy !req
607. Our romantic ride
in the back of a taxi awaits.Copy !req
608. And be careful in your dreams.Copy !req
609. Don't wait up, orphans.Copy !req
610. - We have to go after her.Copy !req
611. There are at least
half a dozen egg sandwich restaurantsCopy !req
612. within driving distance.Copy !req
613. We'll walk into town.Copy !req
614. If we see the taxi driver,
we can ask him where he took them.Copy !req
615. What do we do when we find them?Copy !req
616. Aunt Josephine's fallen for
Count Olaf's disguise and for Count Olaf.Copy !req
617. Maybe so, but we haven't.Copy !req
618. Whatever Count Olaf's scheme is,
we have to stop it.Copy !req
619. Going somewhere?Copy !req
620. Young people shouldn't wander around
this time of night.Copy !req
621. There are dangerous people lurking about.Copy !req
622. - Go back in the house.
- Where it's safer.Copy !req
623. And strangers can't get you.Copy !req
624. Strangers? Where?Copy !req
625. [hook-handed man] I thought
you were guarding the waiter.Copy !req
626. I thought they were.Copy !req
627. We thought he was!
- So, nobody's guarding the waiter?Copy !req
628. We'll be keeping an eye on you.Copy !req
629. Must be another way out of here.Copy !req
630. There is one other way. Wait here.Copy !req
631. We can't get out that way.Copy !req
632. Even if that window could open,
it's at least a 100-foot drop.Copy !req
633. Or a 100-foot climb.Copy !req
634. I saw some fishing nets in the kitchen.
I could braid them into a ladder.Copy !req
635. - Violet—
- We could break the window and climb down.Copy !req
636. - Violet—
- We'd reach the water...Copy !req
637. - Violet—
- in no time.Copy !req
638. - Then what?
- I don't know. I don't know what to do.Copy !req
639. We don't even know
what Count Olaf's plan is.Copy !req
640. We know he wants to use
Aunt Josephine to get our fortune.Copy !req
641. Then maybe he's going to kill her,
like he did Uncle Monty.Copy !req
642. Maybe he's gonna marry her,
like he tried to do with me.Copy !req
643. I can think of 100 different outcomes,
all of which are terrifying.Copy !req
644. - That must be how Aunt Josephine feels.
- Maybe she's right.Copy !req
645. The world is scary
and we should be afraid.Copy !req
646. No matter where we go,
Count Olaf will be there.Copy !req
647. No matter who we tell,
no one will listen to us.Copy !req
648. There is nowhere safe for us...Copy !req
649. and no guardian can help us.Copy !req
650. And our parents are never coming back.Copy !req
651. "Life is a conundrum of esoterica."Copy !req
652. - That's what Uncle Monty—
- Uncle Monty is dead.Copy !req
653. Aunt Josephine isn't.Copy !req
654. She didn't protect us from Count Olaf,
but we can still protect her.Copy !req
655. We have to warn her,
even if it's dangerous.Copy !req
656. You don't sound scared.Copy !req
657. Remember what Mother said?
"Do the scary thing first—"Copy !req
658. "And get scared afterwards."Copy !req
659. I'll see what I can find.Copy !req
660. I'll work on that ladder.Copy !req
661. See what I did?Copy !req
662. It's a large lake, actually.Copy !req
663. I do hope the children will be safe.Copy !req
664. I do hope
the children will be safe.Copy !req
665. We should have a clear flight,Copy !req
666. provided the weather holds,
the plane flies,Copy !req
667. and none of our enemies have air cannons.Copy !req
668. - That sounds like—
- Our honeymoon.Copy !req
669. - Things worked out then.
- Well, things change.Copy !req
670. We have three children who need us,
and they need us now.Copy !req
671. - They're brave, like their mother.
- They're bold, like their father.Copy !req
672. Have you decoded the message yet?Copy !req
673. It says, "You can't lock up the barn
after the horses are gone."Copy !req
674. I hope we're not too late.Copy !req
675. - Bullet holes.
- It is like our honeymoon.Copy !req
676. The expression "You can't lock up the barn
after the horses are gone"Copy !req
677. was a favorite of a woman
who meant a great deal to me,Copy !req
678. - even after she was trampled.Copy !req
679. The expression simply means that
sometimes even the best of plansCopy !req
680. will occur to you when it is too late,Copy !req
681. just as all of us are far, far too lateCopy !req
682. to be of any help at all
to the Baudelaires.Copy !req
683. I wish that I could go back somehow
and warn the BaudelairesCopy !req
684. about what would happen
that sorry evening.Copy !req
685. I spend many sleepless nights wishing
there was some powerful invention,Copy !req
686. some crucial bit of research,Copy !req
687. that might enable me to change
the Baudelaires' sad history.Copy !req
688. But again and again I remind myself
that there was nothing I could do,Copy !req
689. just as the Baudelaires could do nothing
to prevent that window from shattering.Copy !req
690. What was that?Copy !req
691. It sounded like a window shattering.Copy !req
692. Aunt Josephine!
Aunt Josephine?Copy !req
693. Aunt Josephine...Copy !req
694. "Violet, Klaus and Sunny:Copy !req
695. By the time you read this note,
my life will be at it's end."Copy !req
696. No.Copy !req
697. "My heart is as cold as Ike,
and I find my life inbearable."Copy !req
698. Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
699. It is impossible to go back, of course,Copy !req
700. and tell the Baudelaires that their fears
that night were entirely rational.Copy !req
701. It is impossible to go back
and tell them anything at all,Copy !req
702. just as it is impossible
to put Aunt Josephine's houseCopy !req
703. back on top of this cliff.Copy !req
704. I can tell you something.Copy !req
705. I can tell you that,
as the Baudelaires stood thereCopy !req
706. and gazed out the wide window
of Josephine's house,Copy !req
707. - believing that their guardian was dead...
Aunt Josephine.Copy !req
708. that they were wrong.Copy !req
709. I can tell you that
Aunt Josephine was not dead at all.Copy !req
710. Not yet.Copy !req