A Series of Unfortunate Events 1x4

1. There's no word to describe the feeling of waking up

2. and knowing instantly that something is terribly wrong.

3. If there were, the Baudelaires would have used that word

4. when they rose to find dawn had awoken them,

5. and their Uncle Monty had not.

6. Uncle Monty? Monty?

7. - Uncle Monty? - Are you in here?

8. We all know that our time in this world is limited,

9. and that eventually all of us will go to sleep, never to wake up.

10. Monty...

11. But that didn't change how the Baudelaires felt that morning

12. in the room their uncle had filled so carefully with specimens,

13. and in which he was now a sort of specimen himself.

14. - How could this happen?

15. We know exactly how this happened.

16. My, my, my, my, my.

17. What a terrible accident. Whoever discovers this will be very upset.

18. "For in that sleep of death what dreams may come."

19. You murdered him.

20. Why, Klaus, I'm surprised.

21. A smarty-pants boy like you ought to be able to figure out that

22. jolly old Uncle Monty died from a snakebite, not murder.

23. Look at the teeth marks on his cheek.

24. Look at his cold, waxy face.

25. - Look at his unblinking eyes. - Stop it!

26. Stop talking like that.

27. You're right. There's no time for chitchat.

28. We have a ship to catch

29. and I'd like to board in time to have a bottle of wine before lunch.

30. Peru. We're going to Peru.

31. We wouldn't go to the end of the driveway with you,

32. much less international waters.

33. Well, then I guess I'll have to take my own luggage.

34. Sunny!

35. Let her out this instant. She won't be able to breathe.

36. I'm so tired of having to explain everything to you.

37. You're supposed to be so smart,

38. and yet you persistently seem to forget about this.

39. I'll leave some breathing holes for her.

40. No! - Stop!

41. I'm kidding. That's not the suitcase she's in. I don't think.

42. Please don't hurt her.

43. Then get in the car.

44. Really, there's no one to blame but yourselves.

45. - If you hadn't stranded me at the movies,

46. I wouldn't have had to kill Monty and we'd all be on our way to Peru,

47. where I would have had to kill Monty.

48. God, I hate driving stick.

49. You're just gonna leave him there?

50. Trust me, he doesn't mind.

51. Of course, after they discover he's dead, you'll be long gone,

52. and I'll be taking advantage of Peru's extremely lax guardianship laws.

53. Why won't... There we go.

54. You can't take us out of the country.

55. Can he?

56. And who's going to stop me?

57. It's extremely rare for an accident to be a fortunate event.

58. Luckily for the Baudelaires...

59. - Blasted furnaces of hell!

60. What were you thinking,

61. careening down that driveway like a maniac?

62. Me? I was driving well below the speed limit.

63. - Mr. Poe. - Violet Baudelaire?

64. - I'm so grateful you ran into us. - Well, I wouldn't say that.

65. It was clearly the fault of the other driver.

66. I thought there were three of you. Ah, there's the baby.

67. You're not Dr. Montgomery.

68. My spleen!

69. - I think you've ruptured him.

70. Hello, my name is Stephano.

71. I'm Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.

72. I mean, I was. I mean... I don't know how to say it.

73. - Uncle Monty's dead. - That's how to say it.

74. He's dead? But that... That's terrible. How did it happen?

75. He was bitten by a snake.

76. I was on my way now to get the coroner.

77. The children were too hysterical to be left here alone.

78. He wasn't taking us to a coroner. He was taking us to Peru.

79. What? Wha...? See? Hysterical.

80. No, the children must be confused. Dr. Montgomery was taking them to Peru.

81. Last night he called me to insist on me rearranging

82. my morning itinerary to bring them these passports.

83. He'd want me to have them.

84. Can't you see, Mr. Poe? That's Count Olaf.

85. He's in disguise and he's trying to take us away.

86. Who am I? What am I doing?

87. Don't you miss the vivid imagination of childhood?

88. - I never had one. - An imagination or a childhood?

89. Children, you must be very distraught about losing your uncle.

90. Count Olaf is a terrible man who tried to steal their fortune.

91. - Really? - Yes.

92. And do I look anything like this Count Olaf?

93. No, you don't.

94. Count Olaf has one long eyebrow and he has a very short beard.

95. You have a very long beard,

96. and I hope you don't mind me saying so, no eyebrows at all.

97. - He shaved his eyebrow. - And he let his beard grow.

98. Can't you see? Anyone could see that.

99. Sunny's right.

100. Count Olaf has a tattoo on his left ankle. It looks like an eye.

101. I hate to trouble you, sir,

102. but just to put the children's minds at ease,

103. would you be so kind as to show us your ankle?

104. I'd be happy to.

105. My apologies, Mr. Stephano.

106. It's no problem.

107. As long as the vehicle is operational, then we really must be going.

108. No. - No.

109. - No? - No.

110. None of us are going anywhere until the police have been called.

111. Oh, come on, man. It's just a fender bender.

112. About Dr. Montgomery.

113. What a sensible idea.

114. It's quite urgent.

115. First name, Montgomery. Last name, Montgomery.

116. No, this isn't a prank call. Hello? Hello?

117. I don't care if you have an audition for Equus.

118. Get over here now!

119. I don't understand how he got rid of his tattoo.

120. Good news, I managed to get through to the local sheriff's department.

121. It seems there's an escaped cow

122. from a local dairy farm giving them the runaround,

123. but they assured me they'll send someone as soon as they're able.

124. They must have made quick work of that cow.

125. May I help you, ma'am?

126. Sir. Uh.

127. I'm Nurse Lucafont.

128. Nurse Lucafont.

129. From the local sheriff's department's medical examiner's office?

130. From the local...

131. I hear there's been a terrible accident involving a snake.

132. That was fast. I only just now made the call.

133. I believe, uh...

134. speed is of the essence in an emergency, sir.

135. Could I get a cup of coffee?

136. Don't you want to examine the body?

137. Right, the body. Lead the way.

138. It's right over here in the Reptile Room.

139. Excuse me, but why are you wearing that mask over your face?

140. I heard there were reptiles. They... they might be contagious.

141. Reptiles aren't contagious. Are you sure you're a qualified nurse?

142. Maybe the children should wait outside.

143. Being in a room with a dead body could be very traumatic.

144. We've already been in a room with a dead body thanks to you.

145. Oh, yes, thank you, Stephano, for that excellent point.

146. I must say, you show genuine compassion for these children.

147. I appreciate it.

148. Perhaps I will wait out here with the children

149. while you and Nurse Lucafont go in and examine the body.

150. The body?

151. Ah, yes, perhaps we should both wait with the children.

152. I wouldn't want Nurse Lucafont to be alone.

153. Oh, I'm sure a nurse has seen plenty of dead bodies.

154. Maybe I can wait with the children, too.

155. Well, that won't work. Who will perform the examination?

156. Why don't Klaus, Sunny and I wait with Mr. Poe,

157. while Stephano goes with Nurse Lucafont to examine the body?

158. No, child, please.

159. If I were standing closer to you... I would slap you in the throat.

160. That does sound like the best plan.

161. Fine. Right this way, nurse.

162. But remember, I will be just on the other side of this door.

163. Oh, I'm sorry, children.

164. Dr. Montgomery did seem like an appropriate guardian for you.

165. He was more than that. He was much, much more than appropriate.

166. Please don't let him be our new guardian.

167. Oh, don't be silly, children.

168. It is quite shocking that Dr. Montgomery has died,

169. but I'm not going to simply just hand you and your fortune over to his assistant.

170. Not without some very thorough paperwork.

171. What's happened? What's wrong?

172. Nurse Lucafont was startled by a lizard.

173. - It's a reptile room. - I didn't know that meant literally.

174. Anyway, you've come just in time. The nurse has just finished her autopsy.

175. - Did you determine the cause of death? - Snakebite.

176. Are you sure?

177. Uh, two bite marks on his cheek. Only a snake could've done that.

178. - How terribly tragic. Case closed. - But Uncle Monty is...

179. was one of the world's leading herpetologists.

180. He would know better than to let a dangerous snake bite him.

181. I tested his blood.

182. In his veins, I found the venom of one of the most dangerous snakes in the world.

183. Good heavens, which one?

184. The incredibly deadly viper.

185. That's impossible.

186. The incredibly deadly viper is one of the least dangerous

187. and most friendly creatures in the entire animal kingdom.

188. Come now, Violet. It's called the incredibly deadly viper.

189. It's a misnomer.

190. Uncle Monty named it that to scare his colleagues at the Herpetological Society.

191. He sounds highly unstable. Not good guardian material.

192. He was a wonderful, caring person.

193. And the incredibly deadly viper wouldn't hurt anyone and we can prove it.

194. How can you prove it when you don't even know where it is?

195. Of course we know where it is. It's... right...

196. Hmm, fleeing the scene of a crime? Highly suspicious.

197. It's all falling into place.

198. Dr. Montgomery must have forgotten to lock the cage properly,

199. allowing the viper to slip out and kill him.

200. I suppose we'll never know what Dr. Montgomery did

201. to trigger the bloodlust in its reptile brain.

202. I myself know nothing about snakes.

203. I only got here just recently and scarcely have had time to learn.

204. But I hear the slimy creatures can hold a grudge.

205. That's the trouble with exotic pets.

206. Maybe nature isn't meant to be tamed.

207. What did you say your name was again?

208. I'm Doctor Lucafont. - Nurse.

209. - Nurse Lucafont. - Sorry, uh, what was that?

210. I'm Nurse Lucafont.

211. I can't understand you under your mask.

212. Mr. Poe, that's not a nurse at all.

213. It's one of Count Olaf's accomplices.

214. You mean the hook-handed man who worked as my temporary secretary

215. and broke the typewriter?

216. - No. - Well, I've never met any others.

217. Besides, I'm sure Count Olaf is hundreds of miles away.

218. Or inches.

219. Exactly. What was that?

220. I mean, the incredibly deadly viper may be inches away, ready to strike again.

221. - It's struck again.

222. It's the screeching iguana clock.

223. It struck again.

224. Oh, will you look at the time? Well, the SS Prospero departs at 5:00 p.m.

225. You better go upstairs, children, and pack for your Peruvian adventure.

226. Mr. Poe, we can't go with Stephano.

227. We don't have the proper paperwork you mentioned.

228. She's right. You do seem like a good person,

229. but the childrens' adventures abroad will have to wait.

230. Come on, we really need to be going.

231. You're not going anywhere.

232. - And why not?

233. Because no one is leaving this house

234. with a snake on the loose. Right, nurse?

235. Yeah. Absolutely.

236. - But that's absurd. - That's absurd?

237. I'm already late for the bank and I'm up for a very important promotion.

238. The bank will have to wait.

239. When your back was turned just now,

240. Nurse Lucafont informed me that this entire place is under lockdown.

241. - You mean... - Yes! A quarantine!

242. Your turn.

243. - What?

244. - A quarantine!

245. - How long is that going to take?

246. Uh, the police. It's in their hands now.

247. - Oh, that must be them.

248. I must say, these are some impressive response times for a house in the country.

249. Mobile Crime Lab.

250. At your service.

251. We always get our man. - Or snake.

252. - These are Count Olaf's accomplices. - And they're all wearing costumes.

253. No, children, these are adults.

254. Adults don't wear costumes unless it's for a charity ball,

255. or they happen to be employed as actors.

256. They are employed as actors.

257. You two, create a perimeter.

258. No one goes in or out of the house until the reptile is caught.

259. You two, get that body in the van and back to the ME for some TLC before it's DOA.

260. But you said no one could leave the house.

261. I meant, uh, no one except you.

262. Oh!

263. Don't you recognize him? That's the hook-handed man.

264. And those two women were in Count Olaf's play.

265. Oh, children, it's rude to question police authority.

266. Besides, the women in that play had ghastly theatrical makeup on their faces,

267. and this man is opening a can of peaches with hands, not hooks.

268. That's Uncle Monty's food. Stop eating his food.

269. I was only gonna have a few peaches.

270. The children lost their uncle today. I'm sure you can understand.

271. Violet, Klaus, Sunny, why don't you wait upstairs.

272. The adults will take care of it from here.

273. But Mr. Poe—

274. The adults will take care of it from here.

275. Come on, Klaus.

276. The adults won't take care of anything. But we will.

277. Now, please, work quickly. I need to get back to the bank.

278. If you have ever been left out of an important conversation due to your age,

279. then you know how the Baudelaires felt as they trudged up the stairs,

280. unable to participate in the conversation that would determine their fate.

281. So they decided to hold their own.

282. We know the incredibly deadly viper didn't kill Uncle Monty.

283. And we know that Count Olaf did. Mr. Poe would never believe us.

284. Not without evidence and proof.

285. Nurse Lucafont may be a fake nurse,

286. but Uncle Monty had two bite marks like a snake would make.

287. I saw them this morning.

288. I saw the incredibly deadly viper this morning, too.

289. It was in its cage.

290. While we were at the parlor, Count Olaf must have set it loose.

291. Or worse.

292. I'm sure it's okay, Sunny. I know you two were close.

293. If we could find the snake...

294. If we could find out how Monty really died...

295. - We could prove that it's innocent. - And that Stephano is guilty.

296. And Mr. Poe would have to have Count Olaf arrested.

297. - We wouldn't have to go to Peru.

298. If we'd found proof earlier, maybe we could have saved Uncle Monty.

299. If we put Count Olaf behind bars,

300. we can still stop him from harming anyone else.

301. Including us.

302. Do you think you can get back inside the Reptile Room?

303. I think I might have a way.

304. It is now necessary for me to use the hackneyed phrase,

305. "meanwhile back at the ranch."

306. The word "hackneyed" here means

307. "used by so many writers, it is a tiresome cliché,"

308. while "meanwhile back at the ranch" is a phrase used to link

309. what is going on in one part of a story with another part,

310. and has nothing to do with cows or creamy salad dressing.

311. When I say, "Meanwhile back at the ranch,"

312. what I mean is, meanwhile, back in the Reptile Room,

313. the adults were having an adult conversation.

314. If we place the peaches in a line leading up to the cage,

315. perhaps the snake will follow the trail and then we can trap it inside.

316. - Do snakes eat peaches? - Yes.

317. Maybe we can use the baby.

318. Keep the banker distracted.

319. Oh, you know, these are so good for your skin.

320. - Are they? - You wanna try?

321. - No, thank you. No, really. - Ah...

322. - I don't... No. Oh, that's... - Mmm. Mmm!

323. Oh, orphans, our ship awaits.

324. Orphans?

325. "Labyrinth" is a word which means "maze full of secrets and danger,"

326. and if you're in ancient Greece,

327. "a monster that is half bull and extremely unpleasant."

328. The hedge labyrinth behind Dr. Montgomery's house

329. didn't contain a monster.

330. But as Klaus looked down at it,

331. seeing the way the hedges snaked to form a familiar sinister eye,

332. it seemed to contain both secrets and danger.

333. Secrets their Uncle Monty had promised to share...

334. and the danger of being so high off the ground.

335. The reptiles certainly seem—

336. - Agitated. - Annoyed.

337. - Mmm. Maybe they're hungry. - Maybe they're upset about the murder.

338. Well, they're animals. I hardly think they're aware of anything.

339. Did you say "murder"?

340. - I meant accident. - Ah, yes, well...

341. I'm certainly upset about being late for the bank,

342. so let's hurry this thing along. Has anyone seen Stephano?

343. Uh, he just went to make some coffee.

344. Coffee. Oh, how considerate.

345. Dr. Montgomery insisted I drive out here first thing in the morning.

346. That was when he was alive, of course, and I didn't have time for my morning cup.

347. I know how you feel.

348. My boss made me come here right away. I had to miss an important audition.

349. Audition?

350. I mean autopsy. It's medical slang.

351. That seems strange. Oh, it's totally normal.

352. We have lots of slang in the ol' med biz.

353. That's slang for medical business.

354. We call doctors "doc," and dead bodies "corpses."

355. Ah, I suppose...

356. Even though Uncle Monty's body had been removed,

357. the Reptile Room was not as inviting to Klaus as it had been the day before.

358. What happens in a certain place can stain your feelings for it,

359. just as ink can stain a white sheet of paper.

360. You can never forget what transpired in that place...

361. just as words in ink can never be unwritten.

362. Oh, perhaps I should check on the children.

363. Look over there!

364. Where? What am I looking at?

365. [hook-handed man] It's the incredibly deadly viper.

366. In that cage? But it's locked.

367. [white-faced woman 1] Must've crawled inside.

368. [white-faced woman 2] Locked the cage behind it.

369. But a snake can't operate a lock by itself.

370. Maybe a lizard helped it. That seems unlikely.

371. Besides, that cage is clearly marked "Virginian Wolfsnake."

372. I must say, I'm beginning to doubt your qualifications.

373. I'm totally a nurse.

374. Well, it does say so on your pin.

375. - What was that? - That didn't sound like a snake.

376. [hook-handed man] Exactly.

377. That's just the screeching iguana clock.

378. It was not the screeching iguana clock.

379. To fully understand the ghastly scene

380. the adults discovered in the parlor,

381. it is useful to once again use the phrase "meanwhile back at the ranch,"

382. which in this case means "upstairs."

383. And about six minutes earlier.

384. Oh, orphans, our ship awaits.

385. Orphans?

386. Years later, Klaus Baudelaire would often lie in bed,

387. filled with regret that he never yelled

388. "That man is Count Olaf" to his uncle at the movies,

389. or over Chinese food, or from under his canoe.

390. And while I cannot say that Violet slept any easier,

391. she was luckier than her brother in one respect.

392. She knew that the time to act was now. And she would not regret it.

393. You'll be comfortable here. Do you think you can watch the door?

394. Do you think you can help me out?

395. Thanks, Sunny.

396. Sunny?

397. I'd say partly cloudy.

398. I thought you were supposed to be a nice girl.

399. Nice girls aren't supposed to dig through people's personal, private property.

400. Especially when it's... Wasn't it locked?

401. - It was. - Oh, how clever.

402. But I bet you're not clever enough for this.

403. I have four tickets with me to Peru right now.

404. I was going to take you and your siblings,

405. because that's just the kind of guardian I am.

406. But I'll settle for one of you.

407. - That's the screeching iguana clock.

408. - What is...

409. Which brings us back to...

410. Goodness, golly, good God,

411. Mary and Joseph, Zeus and Hera, Nathaniel Hawthorne!

412. Which snake is it? - It's the incredibly deadly viper.

413. Don't touch her! Grab her! Move closer! Run away!

414. Kill the snake! Leave it alone!

415. Give it some food! Don't let it bite her!

416. It bit her! It's bitten her! It bited her!

417. Calm down! Get moving! Call an ambulance!

418. Call a scientist! Call my wife!

419. This is ghastly!

420. This is phantasmagorical!

421. You are police officers! Do something!

422. - It... it looks like the baby's playing. - Mmm-hmm.

423. With the incredibly deadly viper?

424. From the expedition journal of Dr. Montgomery Montgomery, April 24th.

425. "The incredibly deadly viper wouldn't hurt a fly.

426. I know this because I tried to feed it flies this morning.

427. It is friendly and kind, playful and smart,

428. and if you can get past your first impression,

429. it can make a wonderful addition to the family."

430. And therefore, it cannot have killed Uncle Monty.

431. Well, I guess it does look rather harmless.

432. That doesn't change anything.

433. There are still plenty of deadly types of snakes in that room

434. that could have done it.

435. The mamba du mal bites as it strangles.

436. The irascible python is homicidally grumpy.

437. The Virginian wolfsnake can bludgeon you to death with a typewriter.

438. How do you know?

439. Because I read up on all types of snakes

440. in the library section of the Reptile Room.

441. Psst, boss. - Don't interrupt me while I'm talking.

442. If I may say so myself, I am quite the expert on the snakes.

443. What does it say?

444. She said, "Ah-ha!" because she's figured something out.

445. I myself know nothing about snakes.

446. You said you didn't know anything about snakes.

447. I... That is—

448. That's right. Stephano, explain...

449. - We need a plan. - Should we kill him?

450. He is coughing a lot. Let's see if he dies of natural causes.

451. - Mmm.

452. Explain yourself.

453. The reason that I said I did not know anything about the snakes,

454. is because I was being modest.

455. You weren't being modest.

456. You haven't been modest a day in your life. You were lying.

457. Klaus, you can't speak to an adult that way.

458. And he's lying now.

459. He's a liar and a murderer and he killed Uncle Monty.

460. You have no proof.

461. Yes, we do.

462. What is all this?

463. Evidence, which I found in Stephano's suitcase.

464. She picked the lock.

465. - Violet, is that true? - It was an emergency.

466. Nice girls shouldn't know how to do that sort of thing.

467. That's what I said.

468. My sister is a nice girl... and she knows how to do all sorts of things.

469. We'll discuss this later. Please continue.

470. When Uncle Monty died, we were immediately suspicious.

471. We were positive that Stephano killed Uncle Monty.

472. But there were bite marks on his cheek clearly from a snake.

473. That stumped me, too.

474. That's why I decided to search Stephano's suitcase.

475. I knew he wouldn't want to leave any evidence behind.

476. And that's when I found these.

477. But that's nothing. It's my random junk collection,

478. which is private property, illegally obtained,

479. and therefore not admissible in court.

480. It does look like junk. But that's when I noticed this.

481. Uncle Monty told us that he keeps venom samples in his cabinet

482. from every venomous snake known to man.

483. - And woman. - And woman.

484. Mr. Poe, I believe if you open that cabinet right there,

485. you'll find a sample is missing.

486. There's an empty spot on the shelf.

487. The label says "Mamba du Mal."

488. "The mamba du mal is one of the deadliest snakes in the hemisphere,

489. known for its powerful venom."

490. Then it's obvious.

491. The mamba du mal got out of its cage, stole a vial of its own venom,

492. and murdered Dr. Montgomery in cold blood.

493. Ah-ha!

494. Wait, that's ridiculous.

495. - But the bite marks— Aren't bite marks at all.

496. When I first saw these items, I wasn't sure how they fit together.

497. So, I concentrated on each item as if they were parts of a machine.

498. And that's when I realized they fit together.

499. Ladies and gentlemen, the murder weapon.

500. - Incredible! - Astounding!

501. Stephano used this double-barrel syringe to inject the venom into Uncle Monty,

502. to simulate the double puncture marks of a snake.

503. Then he disassembled it to hide the evidence.

504. But I loved Dr. Montgomery.

505. What motive would I possibly have to murder him?

506. He's after the Baudelaire fortune.

507. How would Stephano even know about the Baudelaire fortune?

508. I thought they were penniless orphans.

509. They certainly dress like penniless orphans.

510. That's because everything we owned burned up in a fire.

511. But you already know about that...

512. because you're not Stephano, you're Count Olaf.

513. The kid detective thing is cute, but we have already dismissed that theory.

514. We'll see about that.

515. Your left ankle, sir.

516. Don't come near me with that thing.

517. You've been coughing germs into it all day.

518. Oh, if you're really who the children say you are,

519. then germs are the least of your problem.

520. Your left ankle... please.

521. If you insist.

522. For the first time in my life, I'm happy to see that awful tattoo.

523. Bravo, children.

524. Yes, I admit it. I killed Monty.

525. I also killed his assistant, Gustav. I drowned him in the reflecting pond.

526. The question is... what are you going to do about it?

527. I'm going to send you to jail for a very long time.

528. Officers, arrest this man!

529. No, office... Officers.

530. Oh, you're all in on it, aren't you?

531. Oh. Oh, dear.

532. If this were a piece of filmed entertainment for small children

533. you would know what happens next.

534. With the villain's identity and evil plan exposed,

535. the police would arrive on the scene

536. and place him in jail for the rest of his life.

537. The plucky youngsters would go out for pizza.

538. But I can tell you that's as likely as Dr. Montgomery returning to life.

539. Still, while Dr. Montgomery may be dead...

540. If you don't mind, I'll be taking the children with me.

541. the reptiles in his collection...

542. - were very much alive.

543. Oh.

544. - Boss.

545. That's just the screeching iguana clock.

546. It's not the screeching iguana clock.

547. It's the screeching iguana!

548. Take the van. Make sure they follow you.

549. - But where are you going, boss? - International waters.

550. Count Olaf is driving away.

551. No, he's not. He's heading into the labyrinth.

552. I suppose there wasn't room in the van.

553. What are you waiting for? Go after him!

554. This is a job for the police.

555. I'll go call them. I'm sure they'll...

556. set up a roadblock, or something.

557. He's not getting away.

558. Go right.

559. You go that way. We can cut him off.

560. It's a dead end.

561. That's impossible. We can retrace our steps.

562. What's the point? It's all wrong.

563. Count Olaf escaped. Uncle Monty is dead.

564. We never got to go to Peru or say goodbye.

565. Or ask him about this.

566. Klaus, what is that?

567. It's Uncle Monty's handwriting.

568. He must have copied it down during the movie.

569. We were right next to him.

570. If he got a message, we would've seen it.

571. Not if he had some secret way to receive it.

572. Do you remember that strange object I found in the fire? I think it's...

573. It's gone.

574. I'll be taking the children with me.

575. Count Olaf.

576. A good labyrinth is full of secrets.

577. - Who are you? - Why are you dressed as a statue?

578. Both excellent questions, Baudelaires.

579. You're that actress from the weird zombie movie.

580. You work for Mr. Poe.

581. It's more of a volunteer position.

582. I'm sorry I arrived too late to help your uncle.

583. But I can still bring Count Olaf to justice.

584. Uncle Monty had a spyglass like that.

585. What was he trying to tell us? What's in Peru?

586. Forget Peru. It's been compromised.

587. Who sent him the message? Who were we supposed to meet there?

588. I know you children have a great many questions,

589. and I promise there are a great many answers.

590. Find your Aunt Josephine. She's a fierce and formidable woman.

591. She can keep you safe and tell you everything you need to know.

592. Let me handle Count Olaf.

593. Count Olaf stole something from me. I think it's part of a spyglass.

594. It certainly is.

595. I will get it back to you, Klaus Baudelaire. I promise.

596. Who are you?

597. What are they doing with Uncle Monty's reptiles?

598. After I called the police, I rang up the Herpetological Society.

599. They kindly offered to retrieve Dr. Montgomery's reptiles.

600. "Retrieve" means "take away."

601. We know what retrieve means. Where are they taking them?

602. Well, they're orphans now. So they'll be moving on to other homes

603. where their guardians hopefully won't die on them like Dr. Montgomery.

604. Can we at least say goodbye?

605. After what you've been through,

606. I'd think you'd never want to see a reptile again.

607. Besides, I have to take you to your next guardian.

608. - No! - No! We know where we're going.

609. I know where you're going, too. And I'm the adult so I get to decide.

610. - We're going to our Aunt Josephine. - To your Aunt Josephine.

611. She's next on the list.

612. Mr. Poe, what can you tell us about your secretary?

613. Oh, terrible disappointment.

614. He turned out to be working for Count Olaf. Surely you remember.

615. No, your other secretary. - Who? Oh, Jacquelyn.

616. Excellent typist. Unfortunate habit of disappearing for days at a time.

617. I don't make it a habit of socializing with employees,

618. so that's really all I know.

619. Other than the fact that she came highly recommended by your parents.

620. Telegram for a Mr. Count Olaf?

621. It's just Count Olaf.

622. Count is my honorific.

623. Calling me "Mr." is not only redundant, it's an insult to my station.

624. Who...

625. Well, we meet again. You might want to ease up on the bronzer.

626. I hope you don't think you're going to Peru.

627. Yessica Haircut.

628. I find it helpful to leave the country now and then.

629. See some ruins, wait for the manhunt to die down, eat some cuy.

630. You won't be eating any cuy, unless it's served in a prison cafeteria.

631. Why would I be eating in a prison cafeteria?

632. Because I'm taking you to prison.

633. Well, good luck with that. I'm armed.

634. Hmm. So am I.

635. - Hmm. Child's play. - Adorable.

636. Is that a harpoon gun?

637. You'd never use it.

638. One of your great gifts is your eminent compassion.

639. You wouldn't squash a spider.

640. I like spiders.

641. Well, that's good, because there's one on your shoulder right now.

642. I'm not falling for that.

643. No, no, I'm serious. It's on your left shoulder.

644. It's one of the bigger ones. I wanna say tarantula? Ugh.

645. - You're not going anywhere, you snake.

646. You're forgetting, my dear Jacquelyn, snakes shed their skin.

647. There are times when the entire world seems wrong.

648. The way a reptile room without any reptiles...

649. seems wrong.

650. The way a bookshelf without any books seems wrong.

651. Or a loved one's house...

652. without the loved one.

653. The Baudelaires weren't given much time with their Uncle Monty,

654. which seemed wrong.

655. Still, for the first time in a long time,

656. they'd found a place where the world seemed right,

657. if only for a short time.

658. If they'd found that once, who's to say they couldn't find it again?

659. - He's not answering. - Sure you've got the right number?

660. Operator, can you check that number again, please?

661. It's quite urgent.

662. Yes. Thank you. First name, Montgomery. Last name, Montgomery.

663. - No, this isn't a crank call.

664. Can I put you on hold for a moment?

665. Which of you gentlemen knows where we might charter a plane?