A Series of Unfortunate Events 1x3

1. Woe is me. Woe is me.

2. The cry you're hearing is that of the broken-hearted crocodile.

3. It is a rare species of reptile found in swampy regions that are particularly sad.

4. Woe is me. Woe is me.

5. My name is Lemony Snicket,

6. and it is my sworn duty to carefully research

7. the dire plight of the Baudelaire orphans.

8. But there is no reason for you to make yourself

9. as miserable and melancholy as I am.

10. If I were you, I would look away

11. before viewing any of the horrible and horrifying events

12. that comprise this ghastly new episode... in the Baudelaires' unfortunate lives.

13. It's a brand-new episode in your lives, Baudelaires.

14. In a few minutes you'll be meeting your new guardian, Dr. Montgomery.

15. He's your closest living relative

16. and apparently should've been your guardian all along,

17. according to your deceased parents' will.

18. I'm beginning to think it was a mistake to listen to that oddly-dressed consultant

19. who walked into my office with no references and no identification,

20. and who suggested that I place you in Count Olaf's care.

21. My siblings and I wholeheartedly agree.

22. My recently-rehired secretary Jacquelyn

23. is nervous that Count Olaf is still at large,

24. but I don't think Olaf will be able to find you way out here.

25. Oh, look, there's an easy-to-read sign for Lousy Lane.

26. The Baudelaire orphans more than wholeheartedly agreed.

27. And living with Count Olaf had been more than a mistake.

28. It had been a disaster. It had been a catastrophe.

29. And the worst of it

30. was that the villainous Count Olaf was still at large,

31. a phrase which here means that the authorities had not caught him

32. and would not catch him for a very long time.

33. By the way, the police tell me they feel very confident

34. that Count Olaf will be caught in no time at all.

35. Ah, here's the turn.

36. Lousy Lane is perhaps the most unpleasant lane in the world.

37. It runs past an orchard of trees which once produced apples so sour,

38. one only had to look at them to feel ill.

39. And it encircles a horseradish factory,

40. so the entire area smells bitter and strong.

41. Uh, what... what is that smell?

42. It's ginger, I believe. We're here.

43. How exactly is Dr. Montgomery related to us?

44. Dr. Montgomery is, let me see,

45. your late father's cousin's wife's brother.

46. That probably explains why you never met him.

47. Come along, Violet.

48. What do we call him? I mean, he's not exactly our uncle.

49. You can call him Dr. Montgomery,

50. unless he asks you to call him by his first name,

51. in which case you'll call him Montgomery.

52. - His name is Montgomery Montgomery? - Yes, yes.

53. And I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so please don't ridicule him.

54. - "Ridicule" means "tease." - We know what ridicule means.

55. I can... I can still smell that ginger.

56. I hope Dr. Montgomery is a decent person.

57. Hello, hello, hello.

58. - You must be the Baudelaires. - Yes.

59. Well, this is perfect timing because I have just finished frosting

60. this delicious coconut cream cake.

61. Take a fork, take a fork, take a fork.

62. - Nice to meet you, Dr. Montgomery. - Please, call me Monty.

63. I don't like fancy titles unless they get me a discount at the movies.

64. Do you like going to the movies?

65. Very much. But our parents didn't take us very often.

66. Well, we are going to go a lot.

67. To some very important and very special films.

68. What is your favorite movie?

69. Um, Dawn Patrol, the 1938 version.

70. It was your father's favorite, too.

71. Well, let's not stand out here. Come in!

72. - Let's go.

73. Come along. Yes, we're going.

74. Now you must be Violet, the inventor.

75. And you are Klaus, the reader.

76. Your mother was so proud of your voracious intellectual appetites.

77. And you must be Sunny.

78. Would you like a piece of cake?

79. My sister prefers very hard food.

80. Ah. Well, that is unusual for a baby.

81. But not so unusual for many snakes.

82. Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot?

83. Well, that leaves one extra slice of cake.

84. Hmm...

85. I know. I'll eat it myself.

86. I'm just kidding, just kidding,

87. Mr. Poe of Mulctuary Money Management, you are welcome to a slice of cake.

88. No, I should be getting back to the bank soon.

89. Besides, coconut leaves a funny feeling in my mouth.

90. If you need anything, remember, you can always reach me—

91. They won't need anything from you, Mr. Poe.

92. They're finally in my care,

93. and I will dedicate myself to their safety, comfort and happiness

94. as enthusiastically as I have dedicated myself to this coconut cream cake.

95. Our parents' fortune can't be used until Violet comes of age.

96. Klaus, don't be rude.

97. Though, legally, he's correct about the fortune.

98. I don't give a fig about the Baudelaire fortune, Mr. Poe,

99. what with my salary from the Herpetological Society.

100. But, as a scientist... I do admire your skepticism, Klaus.

101. It's understandable after what you children have been through.

102. Ah, that unpleasantness with Count Olaf. No need to scare the man.

103. Terribly sorry, Mr. Poe.

104. My screeching iguana clock does tend to startle some people.

105. But then, so, of course, does the screeching iguana.

106. - I think I'll see myself out. - Capital idea.

107. Bye, Mr. Poe.

108. Bye.

109. Goodbye, children. Remember you can reach me

110. at Mulctuary Money Management if you need me for anything.

111. Just don't forget to call—

112. I'm terribly sorry if I was rude to him, children,

113. but, frankly, that man ruffles my scales.

114. "Unpleasantness with Count Olaf," he says,

115. when Mr. Poe is the very reason you were put with Count Olaf in the first place.

116. Well, not to worry. You're finally safe now, children,

117. just as your parents wanted.

118. Actually, Dr. Montgomery—

119. - Monty. - Monty—

120. Uncle Monty, I hope, once you get used to me.

121. Monty, our parents never mentioned you.

122. Really?

123. Really.

124. Dr. Montgomery Montgomery?

125. Renowned scientist?

126. Herpetologist?

127. Hmm.

128. That is astonishing.

129. Follow me. Now, your parents and I practically grew up together.

130. I can't believe your parents never told you about me.

131. I loved them dearly. Look, here's a picture of us.

132. - There's no one in that picture. We're locked inside the piano.

133. Ah, we were so young.

134. Well, it seems that some proper introductions need to be made.

135. Do you know what "herpetology" means?

136. Well, "ology" always means "the study of—"

137. Snakes. Snakes, snakes, snakes. That's what I study.

138. I circle the globe in search of a creature who can encircle a globe.

139. Oh, don't worry about your dishes.

140. Just leave them anywhere. Gustav will wash them up.

141. Uh... Gustav!

142. Oh, drat.

143. What?

144. I forgot all about Gustav.

145. He was my assistant for many years,

146. then he left me a quite unexpected letter of resignation just yesterday morning.

147. Quite surprising, really. Well, no matter what.

148. Who needs an assistant when I have three charming Baudelaire bambinis

149. to help me with my research?

150. Bambini?

151. Bambini. It's Italian for "children."

152. Why, I'm so giddy having you here

153. that I might as well be talking gibberish.

154. Now, Baudelaires,

155. I am about to show you one of the most important scientific collections

156. in the history of the world.

157. Spies and rivals in the world of herpetology

158. would eat nine garter snakes

159. to get a glimpse of the wonders inside this room.

160. This door has been installed with top-of-the-line security system.

161. You can't get inside unless you have 19 keys, three combinations,

162. two fingerprints and one optical scan.

163. Or, as I share with my most trusted associates...

164. by turning this doorknob...

165. right here.

166. This is the Reptile Room.

167. Feel free to explore.

168. Here is the lizard wing...

169. - and here... is a winged lizard.

170. Now, see his yellow-striped belly, a sign of camouflage and cowardice.

171. Can it really fly?

172. He can fly on cue.

173. Fly!

174. And here... we have the dissonant tortoises,

175. soothed only by the music of Alexander Scriabin or early Sonic Youth.

176. This, my dears, is my most recent discovery.

177. The crown jewel of the Montgomery Reptile Collection.

178. I discovered him on a recent journey and I brought him under cover of night

179. and a very large hat.

180. Because next month, I am going to present him

181. to the Herpetological Society as my new discovery.

182. - I discovered him, so I got to name him.

183. What is it called?

184. The incredibly deadly viper.

185. One thing that I have found is that

186. when the story of the Baudelaires becomes too upsetting for me,

187. when it becomes absolutely overwhelming,

188. it is useful to stop for a moment of contemplation,

189. uh, with a cup of tea or some other powerful beverage.

190. However, I can sip my tea knowing that Sunny Baudelaire

191. absolutely survives this particular incident.

192. It is Dr. Montgomery, however, who ends up dead, although not yet.

193. Anyways, apologies for the interruption.

194. Cheers.

195. - Do something!

196. - Sunny! Get the snake!

197. - The snake! What are you doing?

198. You let a deadly snake bite our sister!

199. - I told you we couldn't trust him. You're laughing?

200. I'm terribly sorry, children.

201. I'm so sorry. Oh.

202. But the incredibly deadly viper is one of the friendliest

203. and least dangerous animals in the entire animal kingdom.

204. Sunny will come to no harm and neither will you.

205. But it's called the incredibly deadly viper.

206. Yes. It's a misnomer. Do you know what that means?

207. "A very wrong name"?

208. - Well, a very fitting definition.

209. Why would you give your own discovery the wrong name?

210. Because... I intend to play a little joke

211. on those stuffed shirts at the Herpetological Society.

212. Payback for years of ridicule.

213. "Hello, hello, Montgomery Montgomery.

214. How do you do, how do you do, Montgomery Montgomery?"

215. Well, at our next meeting,

216. I'm going to introduce the incredibly deadly viper,

217. and then pretend it's escaped.

218. And you know who'll be laughing then?

219. Me.

220. Are there any snakes in this room that are dangerous?

221. Well, of course.

222. You can't study snakes and not find some that are dangerous.

223. I have an entire cabinet full of venom samples

224. from some of the most venomous snakes known to man.

225. And woman.

226. Which leads me to the heart of the operation.

227. Now, bambini,

228. this is the most important part of the Reptile Room:

229. my scientific library.

230. The deepest secrets of the snake world can be found in these pages.

231. And I hope that you'll find them.

232. So we're allowed to read all these books?

233. You are not only allowed, you are implored to read these books.

234. You know, I always wanted to have a family of my own.

235. But...

236. time flies like a winged lizard.

237. Now...

238. I know... that a few dangerous reptiles

239. can make you skeptical of the entire species.

240. But, if you give them a chance...

241. and you get to know them well enough to tell the dangerous from the good...

242. I promise you...

243. no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.

244. There is a type of situation which occurs all too often

245. in the story of the Baudelaire orphans, called dramatic irony.

246. Simply put, dramatic irony is when a person makes a remark,

247. and someone who hears it knows something,

248. which makes the remark have a different, usually unpleasant, meaning.

249. Uh, for example, if I were to say, "I can't wait to eat this almond cookie,"

250. but there were people around that knew the almond cookie was poisoned,

251. that would be dramatic irony.

252. For that reason, when we hear Uncle Monty tell the children...

253. I promise you, no harm will come to you in the Reptile Room.

254. we should be on guard for the unpleasant arrival of dramatic irony.

255. Woe is me.

256. Woe is me.

257. Don't be sad. Uncle Monty will be down soon.

258. It can't understand you.

259. Dr. Montgomery said the broken-hearted crocodile's mating call

260. just happens to sound like depressed human speech.

261. I know. Just like talking to it.

262. I wish he'd go back outside. He's... annoying.

263. Woe is me. - Woe is you?

264. We're the ones whose parents perished in a fire

265. and now we're being passed around like hot potatoes.

266. Look, Klaus. It can't understand you.

267. I know that!

268. Sorry.

269. Klaus, I know how you feel.

270. We're always gonna miss our parents.

271. But... Monty's been a good guardian so far

272. and it seems like our parents really wanted us here.

273. But that's just it.

274. Our parents never mentioned Dr. Montgomery.

275. Why did we never visit him?

276. I thought we knew all our parents' friends.

277. I thought we knew everything about them.

278. I'm sure they had a good reason for not telling us about Monty.

279. Maybe it was the same reason they sent us to Briny Beach that day.

280. Or maybe there was a more sinister reason.

281. Bambini? Baudelaire bambini! There you are.

282. How was your day?

283. I polished the tortoise and Sunny fed it some bananas

284. and Klaus clipped the iguana's nails.

285. Ah, thank you. I'm so grateful.

286. Perhaps, when I'm out,

287. you can lure the androgynous cobra out of my sock drawer.

288. - Where are you going? - Well, I'm gonna go into town

289. and pick up a few things that I like to keep in stock.

290. Wasp repellent, canned peaches, a fireproof canoe.

291. And then, tonight, we'll go and see our first movie.

292. Won't that be exciting?

293. - What movie are we seeing? - Well, we won't know until we get there.

294. I've never heard of a movie theater that doesn't tell you what movie is playing.

295. Klaus Baudelaire, I have a feeling there are many things

296. that you're going to see that you've never heard of before.

297. Life is a conundrum of esoterica.

298. Come along, Raymond Ditmars.

299. - There we go. Come along.

300. Yes.

301. Now, there we go.

302. Ta-ta for now. Come along, come along. Yes.

303. Yes. That's right.

304. What did he mean, "conundrum of esoterica"?

305. Well, a conundrum is a mystery.

306. And esoterica are obscure objects or documents.

307. Look at this.

308. This is the original blueprint for Dr. Montgomery's landscaping.

309. Those hedges outside make up a labyrinth.

310. And if you look at the labyrinth from the top, it's...

311. It looks like the tattoo Count Olaf has on his ankle.

312. It's a mark of villainy.

313. Monty cannot be in cahoots with Count Olaf.

314. He seems too nice.

315. Things aren't always as they seem.

316. Something strange is going on here.

317. Mother and Father told us all sorts of stories

318. that happened before we were born.

319. So why doesn't the name Montgomery Montgomery ring a bell?

320. Good morning.

321. I am Stephano, Dr. Montgomery Montgomery's new assistant.

322. It's afternoon. And you're Count Olaf.

323. Perhaps one of you can take my suitcases up to my room.

324. The ride along that smelly road was dull and unpleasant,

325. and Stephano is very tired.

326. You're Count Olaf,

327. and if anyone ever deserved to travel along Lousy Lane, it's you.

328. We will not help you with your luggage and we will not let you in this house.

329. Well, I see you children haven't changed a bit.

330. Violet, you're obviously as stubborn as ever.

331. Klaus, you're still wearing those idiotic glasses

332. from reading too many books.

333. And I can see little Sunny here still has nine toes instead of ten.

334. What are you talking about?

335. My sister has ten toes, like the vast majority of people.

336. Really? That's odd.

337. I could have sworn that she lost one of her toes in an accident.

338. I seem to recall a man named Stephano

339. being so confused by being called Count Olaf

340. that he accidentally dropped his knife on one of her little feet

341. and severed one of her toes.

342. You wouldn't dare.

343. Let's not discuss what I would or would not dare do.

344. Instead, let's discuss your poor, unfortunate parents.

345. Your father and mother were very brave in their days.

346. But...

347. their days are done, Baudelaires.

348. That is not a photo of our parents.

349. Yes, it is. They're inside the piano.

350. How do you know that?

351. I took the picture.

352. And now, all that's left of them is their enormous fortune,

353. and that enormous fortune is mine.

354. - Never. - Never is a very long time.

355. And your ridiculous uncle will be back in a few seconds.

356. Go!

357. Run!

358. Blast!

359. Furnaces of hell!

360. - Baudelaires!

361. Baudelaires!

362. I've brought you a present.

363. It's very sharp.

364. - How did he find us? - That's the wrong question.

365. - What do we do? Open this door!

366. We can smash a window and make our way into town

367. and catch a train far away from here.

368. - And where would we go?

369. Anywhere but here.

370. If Count Olaf found us here, he could find us wherever we went.

371. Open this door!

372. We can't just stay here and wait for him to burst in and slaughter us.

373. He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt us till he gets his hands on our fortune.

374. He must have some scheme. I just don't know what it could be.

375. We should never have let him in the house.

376. - We can't think about that now. - Open the door!

377. For years afterwards, the Baudelaires wondered

378. what they might have done differently the day Count Olaf appeared at their door.

379. Maybe, they thought, just maybe,

380. - they could've saved Monty's life.

381. - Monty's back. Hello!

382. He'll see right through Stephano's disguise... won't he?

383. My name is Stephano. I have been sent from very far away.

384. Well, that is an unusual and long-winded explanation.

385. Thank you.

386. Uh... so let me understand this.

387. You are my new assistant, sent to me even though I didn't ask for one,

388. by the Scientific Society Seeking to Soothe Stress and Suffering.

389. Yes.

390. "SSSSSS" for short.

391. - "SSSSSS." - Mmm...

392. No. It's "SSSSSS."

393. "SSSSSS."

394. No.

395. Listen to... "SSSSSS."

396. Ah, yeah, uh... "SSSSSS."

397. - Yes. - Ah...

398. And your name is Stephano?

399. What? Yes. Yes. Definitely.

400. Ah! And these are your papers.

401. Yes.

402. "Stephano... SSSSSS"

403. Hmm.

404. Well, seems everything is settled, then.

405. - Really? - Yes. Welcome.

406. - Thank you. - Come inside.

407. Come in, come in.

408. Welcome to my home... um...

409. uh...

410. Uh...

411. - Stephano! - Stephano!

412. Stephano. Yes.

413. Well, there's a spare room upstairs.

414. It's small, but like I said, I have three young children living with me,

415. - so living quarters are quite tight. - Not for long.

416. I mean, I don't mind.

417. Ah.

418. Well, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself settled?

419. And I will go and find the children, who you say have...

420. hidden themselves in the Reptile Room

421. because you chased them up and down the staircase with a knife.

422. A simple misunderstanding.

423. Yes. Well, I'm sure they'll be glad to hear that.

424. Are those suitcases alligator skin?

425. I really love reptiles.

426. Hmm. Baudelaires?

427. - Is that you, Dr. Montgomery? Yes!

428. Uh, let me just unlock all these important security measures

429. and I'll join you in the Reptile Room!

430. Retinal scan one.

431. Retinal scan two.

432. I am so sorry, Baudelaires,

433. that you were frightened by that man who arrived earlier.

434. Um, it makes sense that you were alarmed,

435. being that he chased you up and down the stairs with a knife.

436. But there's nothing to fear.

437. He is my new assistant, Stephano.

438. I have seen his papers and everything is in order.

439. So, you see, there's nothing to be worried about.

440. Oh, yes... I see now.

441. How silly we were to be afraid.

442. Precisely, Baudelaires!

443. Uh, Stephano has explained to me

444. that he has a very strict fitness regimen,

445. where he has to run up and down the stairs brandishing a knife

446. at least three times a day.

447. So, that makes perfect sense.

448. I might join him on that exercise regimen.

449. Very good, very good.

450. So, now that that is cleared up,

451. would you mind helping me bring things in from my truck?

452. I got all my shopping done and I even brought takeout for dinner.

453. There should even be enough for Stephano.

454. Now, we don't have much time before the movie,

455. so help me take down this canoe.

456. Here we go.

457. I am so sorry, Baudelaires.

458. I had no idea that our enemies would catch up to us so quickly.

459. It's clear now that I can't turn my back for a second.

460. - So you recognized him? - Of course I recognized him.

461. I'm not some half-witted banker or some member of a High Court,

462. who's so starstruck that I can't see what's right in front of me.

463. He can wear as many lab coats as he wants,

464. and present me with as many ridiculous papers as he wants.

465. He's no more a lab assistant than I'm a three-mouth Brazilian waxed turtle.

466. So what are we gonna do?

467. - Call the authorities? - What does H-A spell?

468. You think when I was climbing Mount Felix searching for the goat-eating cobra,

469. that I called the authorities? No.

470. If we call the police or Mr. Poe or the official fire department,

471. that so-called lab assistant will have us in his clutches

472. before they can darken my doorstep.

473. And we all know Stephano does not work alone.

474. We must keep an eye on Stephano.

475. He will join us for dinner

476. and then we'll invite him to the movies tonight.

477. A man that dastardly must be watched like a hawk.

478. That's all we're gonna do? Keep an eye on him?

479. For now, Baudelaires,

480. we'll be watchful and wary,

481. which is a word that around here means "very careful."

482. - We know what wary means. - Good.

483. Because...

484. we can't afford to turn our backs, not even for a second.

485. Besides—

486. - Dr. Montgomery. - Monty!

487. So sorry.

488. I seem to have been very careless with the heavy glass reading lamp

489. that was in my bedroom

490. that fell out right when you were walking under it.

491. Uh, yeah. Totally understandable.

492. It... it happens all the time.

493. - Sorry about that.

494. No harm done.

495. I know the layout of that room

496. as well as I know the bone structure of the osteoporosis lizard,

497. and there is no way that that lamp was near that window.

498. Of course not.

499. He wasn't being careless. He was being murderous.

500. Dr. Montgomery, I really think we ought to contact the authorities.

501. Trust me, Baudelaires...

502. I may be a world-renowned herpetologist,

503. but I also minored in criminology.

504. I know what I'm doing.

505. Now let's eat quickly, everyone. We don't want to be late for the movies.

506. I don't think I'll be joining tonight.

507. I thought I'd stay in and read up on poisonous venoms.

508. Well, Stephano, you must join us. We have to celebrate your arrival.

509. In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies.

510. It's so much more convenient to consume entertainment

511. from the comfort of your own home.

512. Hmm. Well, I insist you come.

513. I insist upon staying here.

514. Well, I insisted first.

515. Well, I insisted... louder!

516. Well...

517. with all due respect, I feel a little uncomfortable

518. leaving my reptiles alone with a relative stranger.

519. Fine.

520. But I would like to make a brief phone call before we leave.

521. Of course.

522. The phone is in the parlor.

523. - Could you please pass the pot stickers? - Yeah.

524. They're all gone.

525. Yes, a movie theater.

526. Where they show movies.

527. Yes, of course it's more convenient

528. to watch from the comfort of your own home,

529. but I didn't ask for your opinion.

530. Shotgun.

531. Thank you.

532. - Hurry up. In you go, Klaus.

533. Ticktock.

534. Don't want to miss the previews.

535. There you go.

536. And all of the excessive commercials.

537. Yeah, and then just keep... Get in. All right.

538. We don't know what you're up to, but we will find out.

539. If anything happens to my sisters or me,

540. you'll never get your hands on the Baudelaire fortune.

541. If I wanted to harm you, orphan,

542. your blood would be streaming out of this car like a waterfall.

543. No, I am not going to harm a hair on any Baudelaire head.

544. At least, not on purpose.

545. But accidents happen all the time, don't they?

546. And that is when I said to him,

547. "The frog is the greatest reptile known to man."

548. - Frogs are amphibians. - What?

549. Stephano, where did you study herpetology?

550. I don't know anything about mouth sores.

551. - Oh! I love this song!

552. I just thought it might be nice to get out and see a movie.

553. I need more exciting things in my life.

554. And I think it's because my life is boring.

555. Yes. Uh, well, enjoy the show, ma'am.

556. Dr. Montgomery! - Hello, old chap!

557. Two adults, three minors.

558. I'm giving you the Verified Film Discount.

559. Ah, lovely.

560. I decided to treat myself to some popcorn

561. because there is nothing exciting happening in my life at all.

562. Hey... Some popcorn actually sound delicious.

563. I get popcorn for me, for all of us. My treat.

564. - Really? - Yes, you go. Go take a seat.

565. Come on, children.

566. Go, go. Go, go.

567. Seventh row, right of center, that is the best place.

568. That's what our mother always said.

569. Who do you think taught it to me?

570. You know, kids, I am so happy to be seeing a movie with you.

571. Your parents would be so very proud. I know they would.

572. For seeing a movie?

573. There's more to a movie than just a movie.

574. Just like a book can contain crucial secrets about the world of snakes,

575. or it can be used to prop open a refrigerator door

576. when you're airing it out.

577. What my sister means is, we're not sure we're really following you.

578. Ah, there's so much to learn.

579. Unfortunately, some of that learning is going to have to be delayed tonight,

580. because of you-know-who.

581. Promise me this...

582. If I leave during the showing, you will not act as if anything is amiss,

583. but you'll keep your eyes on that fraud Stephano.

584. - I got the popcorn. - Ah!

585. This one is for me, and this one is for the rest of you.

586. Oh...

587. Your generosity is noted, Stephano.

588. My name is not, uh... Nothing but Stephano.

589. Shh.

590. Ah, Gustav.

591. Not now.

592. Subtitles? This movie is boring already.

593. - Two. Today, we honor the founding...

594. - Six. - ... of our sleepy alpine village

595. with the traditional building of a snowman

596. - Four. - ... in the village square.

597. Traditions are important, Rolf.

598. If the movie's in English, why are there English subtitles?

599. All the best movies have subtitles.

600. But that still doesn't explain—

601. - Shh. Shh!

602. I'm watching the movie!

603. No! Where is your conscience?

604. Klaus, haven't we seen that actress before?

605. I don't think we've seen anything like this before.

606. Sing about it!

607. The sturdy oak barrier! They've broken through it!

608. Gerta... don't let them take the children!

609. Onward. To the safe house. - Hmm.

610. - Don't shed tears, sweet Gerta.

611. I promise this isn't goodbye.

612. No one's preparing to die, Rolf.

613. Put on this warm scarf...

614. Oh, I need to get more popcorn.

615. And your poor mother's tutu.

616. - Should I go this way? - No, no, no.

617. - Just go that way. - You're blocking the screen!

618. - Is it better to go this way? - Sit down!

619. - No. Go that way. - I can go this way.

620. - You're blocking the screen! - I'm all right—

621. - I'll go here. - Go that way.

622. - That way? Aye, no. - Yes.

623. I feel like your elbow tell me

624. - and your hand, your finger— - That way.

625. You're blocking the screen!

626. - I'm sorry. I can't see!

627. I hope you didn't miss anything.

628. You'll always be in my heart...

629. and in this snow bank.

630. Per favore.

631. - Butter? - Salt?

632. I'd thank you...

633. Ooh. - ... for coming on such short notice,

634. but I'm not in the habit of coddling my henchpeople.

635. Due to one overprotective herpetologist's hysteria

636. over the safety of his appalling collection of creatures,

637. Operation Capture Monty has been relocated

638. from Monty's home to this godforsaken nickelodeon.

639. And just in time.

640. I think you-know-who is trying to send a you-know-what.

641. Hello?

642. Am I...

643. A message.

644. They're trying to send a...

645. Oh, forget it. Operation Capture Monty is a go.

646. Is there anything else I should know?

647. You look handsome in that beard.

648. Hmm. I already knew that.

649. I am zombie.

650. What did I miss? Oh, boy, they're still singing.

651. I am going to need to excuse myself.

652. - Shh. - Nature calls.

653. Stephano, would you be so kind as to keep an eye on the children?

654. Wait, Dr. Montgomery said to keep an eye on us.

655. We're too young to be left in a theater alone.

656. Down in front.

657. Get out of the way!

658. - Pictures today. So violent. - Mmm-hmm.

659. Mother always said we'd catch a man at the movies.

660. Uh-huh.

661. Surely nothing can spoil this happy and festive occasion.

662. There are hundreds of zombies coming down from those snow banks!

663. And your poor mother's tutu.

664. We've already seen this part!

665. And in this snow bank...

666. Well, that is where I shall bury you.

667. This would be much easier with a shovel.

668. How can we overcome our differences...

669. Quick splicing, old friend.

670. Things must be worse than we thought.

671. I need four tickets on the SS Prospero to Peru.

672. Meet me at the ticket booth. I sell all kinds of tickets.

673. - Well, wish me luck, old friend. - Good luck, Dr. Montgomery.

674. And a one and a two and a chicka-booma-chick.

675. The Baudelaires did not wanna turn their backs on Count Olaf,

676. so they did not see what happened in the back of that dark theater.

677. But, of course, there was much more going on

678. that the Baudelaire orphans were not aware of.

679. Ah, well, that was a narrow escape

680. full of incredible twists and astonishing acrobatics. Can you walk?

681. Better than I can waltz.

682. If we're lucky, we'll be with the children by bedtime.

683. Any idea where this tunnel lets out?

684. I'd say judging by the barometric pressure and watery winds,

685. somewhere south of Winnipeg.

686. Peru.

687. Like I said. South of Winnipeg.

688. Terrible ending.

689. The villagers should have been eaten, like in Citizen Kane.

690. Monty never came back.

691. - Monty! - Monty?

692. What's this? Your guardian has disappeared?

693. Dear me, dear me.

694. Ah, this is just terrible.

695. Three helpless children all alone in the world.

696. Whatever shall we do next?

697. Drive home, of course.

698. - Monty! - You're here.

699. Hello, children.

700. It's been a long night and we have a very busy day tomorrow.

701. - Did you enjoy the movie? - It was unusual.

702. Uh, it will require some further explanation.

703. Wait in the car, Baudelaires.

704. I have some unfinished business with Stephano.

705. - Will you be okay? - Of course.

706. I am your guardian.

707. It is my job...

708. and my delight, might I add, to keep you safe.

709. Run along.

710. Arrive... chechem.

711. Do you think you can just waltz into my life,

712. and the life of my children, and perpetuate this treachery?

713. You're a wretched person

714. and a bad actor, Stephano,

715. or whatever your real name is.

716. You don't know my real name?

717. I don't need to know your real name.

718. Because you...

719. are a spy from the Herpetological Society.

720. What?

721. Can you hear what they're saying?

722. I hope he's telling Count Olaf that his plot is foiled and he's done for.

723. You're done for, Stephano.

724. Well, what can I say, Montgomery Montgomery?

725. You have found out my secret identity. There's no doubt about it.

726. I've been outsmarted.

727. Yes. You have.

728. Now be gone. You and your... pale-face twins.

729. I said be gone!

730. Hang your head in shame, herpeta-loser.

731. - He's tougher than he looks. - Even tougher than two old ladies.

732. Really?

733. Well, Baudelaires, that terrible man will never bother us again.

734. - You mean... - That's right.

735. I confronted him and threw him out of our lives forever.

736. The authorities are on their way.

737. And we're just leaving him there? In the parking lot?

738. Under the watchful eye of a very capable ticket seller.

739. Besides, if he does slip away...

740. Again.

741. Well, it's none of our concern. We will be far, far away from here.

742. Baudelaires, we are not going to spend the season in a research laboratory.

743. We are off to Peru.

744. Peru? - It's a wonderful country,

745. full of natural and slithering beauty.

746. And what's more important, answers.

747. You must have oodles of questions after that movie.

748. If my parents hadn't taught me about this when I was your age,

749. my head would be dizzy with confusion.

750. Well, once we disembark in Chimbote, you will have all the answers you need.

751. What do you say, Baudelaires? Are you in?

752. We're in, Monty.

753. Well, it's a good thing I stocked up on peaches and canoes.

754. You never know when you might need to leave the country in a moment's notice.

755. Life is a conundrum of esoterica.

756. Well said, Klaus Baudelaire. Well said.

757. Then we travel inward to Ollantaytambo

758. in search of some geckos who have an extra leg.

759. First one to find one gets to name it.

760. - Sounds wonderful. - Doesn't it?

761. Listen, children. I know that the loss of your parents was a great tragedy.

762. But you can still have the life they wanted for you.

763. But now, it is time for bed. Yes.

764. We have a squidillion things to do tomorrow and a boat to catch.

765. Oh, Sunny, it seems that you finished all of your marshmallows.

766. What my sister means—

767. I know what your sister means, Violet.

768. It seems we finally found a soft food that you like after all.

769. - Good night, bambini. - Good night.

770. Good night, Uncle Monty.

771. Sweet dreams. And tomorrow... Peru.

772. I'm sorry to say this was the last time

773. the screeching iguana clock would strike before the arrival of dramatic irony.

774. But as Dr. Montgomery had promised,

775. no harm would come to the Baudelaire orphans in the Reptile Room.

776. But I regret to say that great harm would come to Uncle Monty.