A Series of Unfortunate Events 1x2

1. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

2. Hello, my name is Lemony Snicket,

3. and I'm sorry to say that the alleged entertainment you are watching

4. is extremely unpleasant.

5. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

6. From the beginning of this miserable tale to the last melancholy scene,

7. I cannot think of a single line, a single word,

8. that does not chill me to my deepest bones.

9. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

10. However, the sad history of the Baudelaire orphans

11. did not begin in the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

12. at Mulctuary Money Management.

13. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

14. Nor does their story begin on this gray and cloudy morning at Briny Beach,

15. where the Baudelaire children, Violet, Klaus and Sunny,

16. received terrible news.

17. Your parents have perished in a terrible fire.

18. In fact, the tale of the Baudelaire orphans begins long before the fire

19. which left the children with practically nothing to their names.

20. Their story begins before their brief and unpleasant stay with the Poe family.

21. It begins before the children meet Justice Strauss,

22. a nice lady who, unfortunately, is not their guardian.

23. And before the Baudelaire orphans were placed under the care of a terrible actor

24. with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on his ankle,

25. who made the Baudelaires sleep in an awful room,

26. do a series of difficult and irritating chores,

27. and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe,

28. resulting in an act of violence that ought not to be shown on-screen.

29. "Why?" you may ask.

30. Why did the Baudelaire orphans suffer through this series of unfortunate events?

31. How did the resourceful and intelligent children

32. of kindly and attentive parents end up in the care of Count Olaf?

33. That answer, at least, can be found shortly after the fire

34. that claimed the Baudelaire home.

35. Inside the private, somewhat ill-decorated office of Mr. Poe

36. at Mulctuary Money Management.

37. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

38. Do you know what the question I'm asked most is?

39. "Will you please leave the premises?"

40. "Why do I do it?"

41. "Count Olaf," they ask me, "why are you an actor?

42. Why not a model, or a millionaire playboy?

43. Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"

44. - For fame and fortune? - No.

45. For standing ovation?

46. - No. - For the costumes!

47. Where are the costumes?

48. Nobody brought the costumes?

49. Stay in the car.

50. Can we listen to the radio?

51. No.

52. Well, we've got to reach them. Try Peru.

53. Well, keep trying. Yes, it's an emergency.

54. I'm keeping an eye on things best I can, but...

55. Let me call you back.

56. I have an appointment. - Name?

57. Haircut.

58. - Haircut? - Yes... sica Haircut is my name.

59. Yessica Haircut?

60. Yes. Yessica.

61. Jacquelyn, could you bring the Baudelaire file in here, please?

62. There are many police inspectors,

63. concerned citizens and television executives

64. who have expressed confusion

65. as to how the Baudelaire orphans ended up in Count Olaf's so-called care.

66. The scene you see behind me is called a flashback.

67. That is a word which here means

68. "taken place during the events of the last episode,

69. shortly after the Baudelaire fire

70. and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family."

71. I present it to you now in the hopes that the police inspectors,

72. concerned citizens and television executives

73. might finally leave me alone.

74. Hello, banker man.

75. The Baudelaire fire is precisely why I'm here.

76. - File, not fire. - I said file.

77. Allow me to introduce myself,

78. because, as you can see from my mole, we've never met before.

79. As you can see from my coat, hat and ascot,

80. I'm here on business.

81. And as you can see from my sunglasses...

82. it's bright out.

83. I'm here to consult with you on the Baudelaire will,

84. for which I understand you are the executioner.

85. Executor.

86. Person who controls people's fortunes after a terrible fire has just happened.

87. My name...

88. is Yessica Haircut.

89. That's strange.

90. I have an appointment for a haircut right now.

91. Jacquelyn, please cancel that haircut.

92. Mr. Poe, there's an urgent matter—

93. No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say.

94. I'd like to make a withdrawal.

95. Well, I don't know, Mr.--

96. - Count... - Count?

97. on me to tell you my name, which is Mr...

98. Yessica Haircut.

99. Well, Mr. Haircut, the Baudelaire will states very clearly what is to happen

100. in the event of the untimely deaths of Mr. and Mrs. Baudelaire.

101. They are to be raised by their closest living relative,

102. who appears to be a renowned scientist by the name of—

103. It is one thing to listen to science, Mr. Banker Man.

104. - Poe. - It is another

105. to listen to the advice of a consultant.

106. And in my important actual consulting expertise business,

107. the phrase "closest living relative" can mean only one thing...

108. "whoever lives nearby."

109. Really? You think so?

110. I would stake my fortune on it.

111. Or my name's not whatever it is I told you it was.

112. Well, in that case, we're going to need a map of the city.

113. I think the person nearest to the Baudelaires is renowned actor

114. and handsome man, Count Olaf.

115. Count...

116. Never heard of him.

117. He's been favorably mentioned in theatrical reviews

118. in several small magazines.

119. His name is pronounced...

120. Count Olaf.

121. And if I'm not mistaken, he lives right...

122. right here.

123. Is that really the closest?

124. Yes, absolutely, for sure.

125. Jacquelyn, can you please bring in a very large ruler?

126. Jacquelyn?

127. Guess I'll get it myself.

128. These events at Mulctuary Money Management

129. resulted in unfortunate events far and near,

130. from a woman trapped in a remote park...

131. You'll never get away with this.

132. I already did get away with it.

133. to three orphans in horrifying circumstances,

134. as our story resumes.

135. Put some elbow grease into it!

136. Mr. Poe must have made a horrible mistake when he took us here.

137. There's no way our parents would want us in Count Olaf's care,

138. if we can even call it that.

139. As soon as Count Olaf's back is turned, we need to leave this house.

140. I'd rather take my chances on the streets than stay here any longer.

141. Who knows what would happen to us on the street?

142. At least here we have a roof over our head.

143. I wish our parents' money could be used now,

144. instead of when you come of age.

145. Then we could buy a castle and live in it

146. with armed guards patrolling outside to keep out Count Olaf and his troupe.

147. - With a large inventing studio. And a library.

148. Hurry up, orphans. There's reupholstering to be done.

149. Justice Strauss said her home was always open to us.

150. She said her legal library was always open to us.

151. It's not the same thing.

152. Mr. Poe did say we could contact him if we had any questions.

153. We don't really have a question. We have a complaint.

154. Can I warm that up for you? And also give you some very bad news?

155. - What is it? - It's that secretary—

156. Shh! Not here.

157. An emergency?

158. Very well, but I'm quite busy.

159. My old secretary, a distinguished professional

160. who showed up without fail for many years, has vanished.

161. I've hired an underemployed artist with no prior experience

162. who needs the occasional day off for auditions and performances.

163. Plus, I've already had to reschedule a haircut several times.

164. What can I do for you?

165. Count Olaf is a madman. We can't stay with him.

166. He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?

167. - Oh, excuse me. Poe here.

168. Yes.

169. Yes.

170. Yes.

171. Yes.

172. Yes.

173. Absolutely not.

174. Thank you.

175. I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

176. Oh, yes, Count Olaf.

177. I'm sorry you don't have a good first impression of him.

178. He only provided us with one bed.

179. He makes us do a great many difficult chores.

180. Excuse me. Poe here.

181. Seven.

182. Seven.

183. Seven.

184. Seven.

185. Anything but seven.

186. You're welcome.

187. Children, everyone, at some time in their life,

188. wishes they were being raised

189. by people different than the ones who were raising you.

190. When I was a little boy,

191. I would have given my eyeteeth to be raised by an actor.

192. He calls us orphans.

193. You are orphans.

194. He has terrible friends.

195. I have terrible friends.

196. Speaking of not understanding a word someone is saying!

197. Baudelaires, are you familiar with the term "in loco parentis"?

198. It sounds like Latin.

199. Latin and legal.

200. "In loco parentis" means "acting in the role of a parent."

201. It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf.

202. The actor is acting as your parent.

203. And as your legal guardian,

204. Count Olaf may raise you using any method he sees fit.

205. So I'm sorry if your parents didn't make you do household chores,

206. or if you like their friends more than you like Count Olaf's friends.

207. But there are certain things you must get used to.

208. Now, I'm sorry if I have to usher you out posthaste,

209. but I've got work to do.

210. "Posthaste" means "very, very—"

211. It means he'll do nothing to help us.

212. Oh, on the contrary, I'll have my new secretary give you a ride home

213. as soon as he's finished typing up that report.

214. I think we need to call the IT guy.

215. That man works for Count Olaf.

216. He did say Count Olaf was one of his professional contacts.

217. It was good seeing you, Baudelaires.

218. We're not going back to Count Olaf's house!

219. Look at Klaus' face!

220. Oh, no, no, no, orphans.

221. Look at mine.

222. Shall I let them off the hook?

223. I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.

224. Thank you.

225. Aren't raspberries delicious?

226. They were my favorite berry when I was your age.

227. But we're all different ages.

228. I want to talk to you about something.

229. I recently received a call from Mr. Poe.

230. Is that so?

231. I'm sorry Mr. Poe bothered you.

232. I'm glad he did,

233. because I want you three children to feel more at home here,

234. now that I am your father.

235. As you know, I have been working hard with my theater troupe,

236. and I'm afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish.

237. The word "standoffish" is a wonderful one,

238. but it does not describe Count Olaf's behavior toward the children.

239. "Standoffish" refers to a person

240. who, for various reasons, is not associating with others.

241. It is a word which might describe somebody who, during a party,

242. might stand in a corner instead of talking to another person.

243. Gustav? Jacquelyn here.

244. It would not describe somebody

245. who provides one bed for three people to sleep in,

246. forces them to do horrible chores and strikes them across the face.

247. Therefore...

248. There are many words for people like that.

249. to make you feel a little more at home here...

250. But "standoffish" isn't one of them.

251. I want you to participate in my next play.

252. Participate how?

253. The play is called The Marvelous Marriage,

254. and is by the great playwright Al Funcoot.

255. We will give only one performance, this Friday night.

256. It tells the story of a very handsome and good-looking man, played by me.

257. You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play two cheering people in the crowd.

258. But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience?

259. You'll be playing two midgets.

260. And what will I do? Build the sets?

261. Build the sets? Oh, heavens, no.

262. My sister is very good with tools.

263. A pretty girl like you shouldn't be working backstage.

264. But I'd like to.

265. Sunny, Sunny, Sunny...

266. Violet?

267. Violet, Violet, Violet.

268. You will be playing the young woman I marry.

269. It's a very important role

270. although you only have one line, and I think you know what it is.

271. I don't.

272. No, no, no. It's "I do."

273. Count Olaf...

274. What did you call me?

275. Father...

276. I'm not sure I'm talented enough to perform professionally.

277. I'd hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot.

278. Plus, I'll be very busy the next few weeks working on my inventions.

279. And learning how to prepare roast beef.

280. You will participate in my theatrical performance!

281. I would prefer it if you participate voluntarily,

282. but as I believe Mr. Poe has explained to you,

283. I can act loco parentheses.

284. In loco parentis.

285. Poco De Laurentiis.

286. In loco parentis.

287. The point is, I can order you to participate,

288. and you must obey.

289. Now go talk to the woman in the wig.

290. I can't stand looking at you anymore.

291. You think he was trying to poison us with those raspberries?

292. He ate them all.

293. Besides, Count Olaf is after the fortune we will inherit.

294. Killing us will do him no good.

295. What good would it do to be in a performance of The Marvelous Marriage?

296. Marriage is like sharing a root beer float,

297. or agreeing to be the back half of a horse costume.

298. Even when it's happening onstage,

299. you should only do it with the people you love.

300. I have never been married myself.

301. I once desperately loved a remarkably brave and bravely remarkable woman,

302. who, when I asked her if she would be my wife,

303. found, for complicated and unfathomable reasons,

304. she could give me no answer.

305. No answer.

306. Baudelaires! I'm so happy to see you.

307. Are you here to continue your research?

308. Actually, Justice Strauss, we're here to research something else.

309. Do you have any books on the theater?

310. Ah, the theater.

311. I see you're settling in to having an actor for a guardian.

312. I have quite the interest in theater, you know.

313. Learning lines and curtseying for the audience

314. and wearing costumes.

315. I would give up every last wig just to wear a costume.

316. Justice Strauss, do you have anything on local ordinances?

317. Ah, local ordinances.

318. Wait, are you sure?

319. Even I don't like reading such books, and I work at the High Court.

320. I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating.

321. Well, to each his own.

322. There are countless types of books in this world,

323. which makes good sense because there are countless types of people.

324. Sunny, would you like to come with me into the garden

325. while your siblings tackle all this reading?

326. Klaus, what's happened to your face?

327. We're trying to find out.

328. Well, I do have a section on rashes.

329. It's right next to Chinese cars.

330. Isn't it beautiful, boss?

331. No, no, no, it should be delicate! Fetching!

332. And a chiffon train rippling down like... like—

333. - Like a waterfall. - Like an open wound.

334. Exactly.

335. - What? - Nothing else rhymes with Count Olaf.

336. There are plenty of things that rhyme with Count Olaf.

337. - Hmm. - Uh...

338. - Hmm... - Hmm...

339. Rice pilaf!

340. Got it.

341. I just think, even in changing context,

342. that marriage is an inherently patriarchal construction

343. that is likely to further the hegemonic juggernaut

344. that's problematizing, uh...

345. Hmm, "nuclear.

346. Nudism.

347. Nugget.

348. Nuptial."

349. Uh-oh, gotta go.

350. on the planet and...

351. Are you leaving?

352. Justice Strauss?

353. Yes?

354. May I ask you something?

355. Certainly.

356. Oh, there we go, sweet girl.

357. Good.

358. Yes, as one legal scholar to another?

359. "The only nuptial requirements are

360. a statement of active acquiescence by both participants,

361. utilizing in loco parentis if necessary,

362. and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand."

363. Does that mean what I think it means?

364. Well, I suppose it depends upon what you think it means.

365. It means you're going to be a star.

366. Count Olaf!

367. Please, call me your guardian actor.

368. Justice Strauss, you are about to find your drab, legal beagle existence

369. transformed into something mind-blowing, and yet extremely classy,

370. when you become the exciting new face

371. of the next Count Olaf production.

372. You mean...

373. You have got the star quality necessary for a small walk-on role

374. - in Al Funcoot's new play.

375. I've wanted to be an actress since I was young.

376. Although, my drama teacher told me my chances were slim

377. because of my posture, and so I went into the law, but now—

378. Now, you can see it.

379. - The curtain rises. - Curtain?

380. - The audience applauds. - Audience!

381. And you walk onto stage, dressed as a judge.

382. A judge! - It's a very important part,

383. although you won't be listed in the program.

384. You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me...

385. I get to share the stage with Count Olaf?

386. while a stunningly-costumed bride, played by Violet, stands beside me.

387. You are so lucky, Violet.

388. All my life I wanted to be a bride,

389. but it seems all the men I meet are intimidated by my law degree,

390. or obsessed with model trains.

391. A gorgeous...

392. bridal dress of my own design...

393. while you perform the entire wedding ceremony,

394. getting each and every word exactly right,

395. while we sign a document

396. which you shall bring from city hall for added realism.

397. Justice Strauss, he's up to something.

398. What I am up to is making Justice Strauss' dreams come true.

399. Oh.

400. You will suddenly find yourself in the enviable position

401. of being a struggling actress in middle age.

402. It's almost too good to be true.

403. It is. Justice Strauss, Count Olaf is—

404. Count Olaf is welcoming you into his life

405. by making you an important part of this theatrical enterprise.

406. Children, go. Go home.

407. Spend some time with your new father.

408. Carpe diem!

409. Seize the children!

410. - Seize the day. - I said day.

411. [hook-handed man] Boss,

412. I have three kinds of butter cream icing here for you to sample.

413. One's vanilla, one has a hint of nutmeg and the other's a little lemony.

414. I told you never to say that word.

415. Take these orphans

416. upstairs to their bedroom until Friday.

417. I have no use for them until then.

418. - Uh, except to cook dinner. - We'll order takeout.

419. We're gonna find out just what you're up to, Count Olaf.

420. We know you're just trying to steal our parents' fortune.

421. We're gonna prove it.

422. Let me eat cake.

423. Nice.

424. Mmm.

425. Oh, my!

426. Get into your pajamas and say your prayers,

427. unless you're atheists.

428. You can't just keep us in here.

429. You know who always says that? Prisoners.

430. Listen to us. Count Olaf is—

431. No, no, no, no. You listen to me, little boy,

432. and you listen very carefully.

433. The only reason why Count Olaf hasn't torn you limb from limb

434. is because he hasn't gotten a hold of your fortune.

435. But you ask yourself this question, all of you:

436. What reason would he have to keep you alive after he's got your money?

437. What do you think will happen to you then?

438. - This is terrible, terrible. - Awful.

439. What's gonna happen?

440. I don't know. But I know what I'm gonna do.

441. I'm gonna stay up all night with a book.

442. Klaus was not reading for his own enjoyment,

443. but to try to rescue his siblings from a terrible predicament.

444. The book was not at all interesting. The book was long and difficult.

445. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.

446. He found himself reading the same sentence over and over.

447. By night's end, Klaus had found out all he needed to know.

448. His hopes rose with the dawn.

449. Although, unfortunately...

450. so did Count Olaf.

451. What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in your room.

452. I was in my room all night, and I know what you're up to.

453. Me? I'm just having my morning coffee,

454. although I can't seem to find the sugar bowl.

455. "The only nuptial requirements are

456. a statement of active acquiescence by both participants,

457. utilizing in loco parentis if necessary,

458. and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand."

459. Let me give you a piece of advice.

460. If you use fancy-pants words first thing in the morning,

461. you're going to end up a very lonely man.

462. I figured out your scheme.

463. You're not going to marry Violet figuratively.

464. You're going to marry her literally.

465. Literally?

466. That's outrageous. I... Wait.

467. Literally? Literally.

468. You don't know the difference

469. between figuratively and literally, do you?

470. Uh...

471. It is very useful, whether one is young or in late middle age,

472. to know the difference between literally and figuratively.

473. "Literally" is a word which here means that something is actually happening,

474. whereas "figuratively" is a word

475. which means it just feels like it's happening.

476. If you are literally jumping for joy, for instance,

477. that means that you are leaping through the air because you are very happy.

478. I'm leaping in the air because I'm very happy.

479. If you are figuratively jumping for joy,

480. it means that you are so happy you could jump for joy,

481. but are saving your energy for other matters.

482. I'm so happy I could jump for joy,

483. but I'm saving my energy for other matters.

484. So literally would be an actual marriage, whereas figuratively

485. would be marrying her for the purposes of theatrical entertainment.

486. I knew that. I was testing you.

487. If my sister says "I do" and signs a piece of paper

488. while Justice Strauss is in the room, she's legally married.

489. This play won't be pretend. It'll be real and legally binding.

490. I wouldn't marry your sister if she were the last orphan on earth.

491. A man like me can acquire any number of beautiful women

492. who don't complain about doing their chores.

493. What's in it for me?

494. "A legal husband has titular and practical control over any relevant fiduciaries,

495. resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings."

496. I don't think a boy your age ought to be using the word "titular."

497. If you became Violet's husband,

498. you'd gain complete control over the Baudelaire fortune. But...

499. "A prospective spouse must be chronologically sound and appropriate

500. in regards to the age of consent according to prevailing community standards."

501. My sister isn't old enough to get married, even if she wanted to.

502. Tell me, bookworm...

503. can you name me a language that was spoken by ancient Romans

504. and is still spoken by very irritating people today?

505. - Latin. - That's right.

506. And can you translate the Latin phrase "in loco parentis"?

507. "Acting in the role of parent."

508. That's right.

509. And that's me.

510. You see, Violet can get married if she has the permission

511. of her legal guardian.

512. And she does.

513. In fact...

514. she has more than permission.

515. She has enthusiasm.

516. All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot!

517. Mr. Poe will hear about this.

518. Your play will not be performed, and you will go to jail!

519. Excuse me.

520. Sorry to interrupt, everyone,

521. but that brave and clever boy with the horrible glasses

522. has just figured out our dastardly plan.

523. - Yes.

524. Thanks to his stupendous library book,

525. the orphans have achieved a grand victory over our evil ways.

526. - Oh, no. - Whatever will we do?

527. - I guess we will go to jail. - For a very long time.

528. I guess that proves reading really is fundamental.

529. Violet,

530. do you think your booky little brother is very brave and clever?

531. His work speaks for itself.

532. Count Olaf wants to marry you for real,

533. while you and Justice Strauss and everyone else thinks it's just a play.

534. But I'm not old enough to get married.

535. You can with the permission of your legal guardian.

536. In loco parentis.

537. We have to get Sunny and get out of this wretched place.

538. - Sunny. Wake up. - Sunny.

539. - Where is she? Where is she indeed?

540. It certainly is so strange to find a child missing,

541. and one so small, so helpless.

542. When did you see her last?

543. What have you done with Sunny?

544. Here, Sunny, Sunny. Where are you, girl?

545. Did you hear that?

546. It came from outside.

547. Sunny?

548. Oh, you're not looking in the right place.

549. For children who read so much, you two are remarkably unintelligent.

550. - She's not here.

551. Oh, don't look so down.

552. I'd say things are looking up, up...

553. up.

554. Oh, no.

555. - Let her go. She's done nothing to you. - She's an infant.

556. Well, if you really want me to let her go, I will.

557. But even a stupid brat like you might realize that if I let her go,

558. or more accurately, if I have my comrade let her go...

559. Hi.

560. Sunny might not survive the fall to the ground.

561. That's a 30-foot tower,

562. which is a very long way for a very small person to fall,

563. even when she's inside a cage. But if you insist.

564. - No, don't! - Please, she's just a baby.

565. We'll do anything, anything. Just don't harm her.

566. Anything? Anything?

567. Would you, for instance, consider marrying me

568. during tomorrow night's performance?

569. I would never, ever marry you.

570. Hmm.

571. Children...

572. your sister is like a stick behind a stubborn mule.

573. My sister's not a stick.

574. Any animal owner will tell you

575. that a stubborn mule will move toward the carrot

576. because it wants the reward of food...

577. and away from the stick

578. because it wants to avoid the punishment of rump pain.

579. Likewise, you will do what I say,

580. to avoid the punishment of the loss of your sister.

581. And because you want the reward of a charming husband.

582. Come now.

583. Would it be so terrible to be my bride,

584. to live in my house for the rest of your life?

585. You're such a lovely girl.

586. After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister.

587. If you let Sunny go...

588. - I will marry you. - Hmm.

589. Mazel tov.

590. I will let Sunny go after tomorrow night's performance.

591. Until then, she will remain in the tower room for safekeeping.

592. - That is all. - You're a terrible man.

593. I may be a terrible man, but I have concocted

594. a foolproof way of getting your fortune.

595. What have you done?

596. I wish I had an inventor here.

597. I was thinking the same thing.

598. - Gustav. - Jacquelyn.

599. - You came. - You sent for me.

600. Things are disastrous. Everything's gone wrong.

601. I thought so.

602. Dr. Montgomery and I were expecting the Baudelaire children days ago.

603. Dr. Montgomery's supposed to be their new guardian.

604. That's what the Baudelaire parents wanted, in case of fire.

605. What went wrong? Why haven't we seen them?

606. Mr. Poe listened to the advice of a consultant.

607. A consultant? Dear God. Why would anyone listen to a consultant?

608. I'll give you a hint. His name rhymes with rice pilaf.

609. Are you free Friday night to attend the theater?

610. We might be able to get things back on track

611. without calling attention to ourselves.

612. Of course. But what shall we do until then?

613. Could you cut these ropes for me?

614. The children must be so frightened.

615. We're all frightened, Gustav.

616. Sunny must be so frightened.

617. We're all frightened, Klaus. You should get some sleep.

618. - But you're dismantling my bed. - Use Sunny's.

619. You stayed up all last night trying to find out Count Olaf's plot.

620. It's my turn.

621. I didn't help us.

622. Yes, you did. You just didn't finish the job.

623. Remember when our parents first brought Sunny home?

624. She bit the doorknob off the nursery.

625. Mother and Father...

626. they made me promise to always look after you two

627. and make sure you don't get into any trouble.

628. Let me keep my promise.

629. Having a brilliant idea isn't as easy as turning on a light.

630. But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms,

631. the right idea can shed light on a depressing situation.

632. As inventing workshops go,

633. Count Olaf's bathroom was small and dimly lit.

634. But the inventing area in Violet's mind was large and bright...

635. and inside of it was everything she needed.

636. [white-faced woman 1] Oh, Olaf, that is perfect.

637. It's so wonderful that, in addition to your many talents,

638. you have a marvelous eye for fashion.

639. - Without being a sissy. - Without being a sissy.

640. - What was that?

641. I think what's-his-name is shaving.

642. Right. Tell me if this is too much. Baby's breath.

643. I thought you were marrying the older one.

644. No.

645. No, sprigs of baby's breath in Violet's hair.

646. Oh!

647. "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious."

648. "It is the source of all true art and science."

649. How pleasant that you could join us.

650. What are you gonna do with me?

651. - I said have a seat. - No, you didn't.

652. Hello? - Boss, it's me.

653. Who? Be specific.

654. Me. Your henchman with the—

655. - Hand problem? What do you want? - Yeah.

656. Your blushing bride just climbed up here to try and rescue the biting brat.

657. - Well, how'd she do that? - Oh, I don't know.

658. - Well, take a guess. - Um... Well, some sort of, uh—

659. - Some sort of what? - Uh, ropey thing.

660. - It was a grappling hook. - She says it was a grappling hook.

661. - Where'd she get a grappling hook? - I don't know, boss.

662. - She's mine. - No, yes, boss, of course

663. I understand she's yours.

664. - Stay there. I'll be right up. - Uh... okay.

665. - Goodbye. - Over and out.

666. - Over? What is that supposed to mean? - "Over and out"?

667. Oh, um...

668. - I mean. I think it's— - It's what?

669. - It's kind of an... a, uh... - Kind of an a what?

670. - Walkie-talkie slang for goodbye. - Say that.

671. I'm sorry. Okay, fine. Yeah.

672. - Well, for God... See you soon. - Okay. Goodbye.

673. Count Olaf is very displeased with his bride.

674. I'm not his bride.

675. Oh, very soon you will be.

676. Which means that I will soon be your henchperson-in-law.

677. You know, some people say that the hardest job in the world

678. is raising a child.

679. But it is nothing compared to conceiving, writing, directing, producing

680. and performing in a theatrical presentation

681. for the purposes of stealing their dead parents' fortune.

682. It's a very difficult job,

683. and I will not have any orphans mucking it up.

684. You'll never touch our fortune.

685. Klaus...

686. I'll touch whatever I want.

687. When the sand runs out in the...

688. um...

689. whatchamacallit...

690. your sister will be married to me.

691. What happened? Why are we up here?

692. Tried to rescue Sunny using an invention of mine to climb up the tower.

693. It's so high. You must have been terrified.

694. It's not as scary as the thought of marrying Count Olaf.

695. I'm sorry it didn't work.

696. The invention worked fine. I just got caught.

697. We've got to rescue Sunny and get out of here

698. before the sand runs out of the hourglass.

699. I didn't realize the sand went so quickly. I bought it online.

700. You're gonna need to flip it a couple of times, like, okay?

701. And don't touch the baby!

702. - It's gonna be okay, Sunny. - Just hang in there.

703. It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke.

704. Do you think you could invent something to help us escape?

705. Maybe.

706. Do you think you could research a way to get us out of the wedding?

707. Maybe.

708. I am certain that over the course of your own life,

709. you have noticed that certain rooms

710. reflect the personalities of the occupants.

711. For instance...

712. in my own lonely room, I have...

713. gathered a collection of things which are important to me,

714. including all of my notes on the Baudelaire orphans,

715. a few crucial objects that I have gathered in my travels

716. and...

717. a blurry photograph...

718. taken a long time ago, of a woman named Beatrice,

719. which I look at from time to time while writing this account

720. from across what was once a prominent theater,

721. no more able to help the Baudelaires

722. than the objects they found in Count Olaf's tower room.

723. If we had kerosene, we could make Molotov cocktails

724. with those old wine bottles.

725. - What are Molotov cocktails? - They're small bombs.

726. If we throw them out the window, we could attract attention.

727. But we don't have any kerosene.

728. If you don't say "I do" and you don't sign the document with your own hand,

729. then you won't be legally married.

730. But then Olaf will drop Sunny off the tower.

731. Certainly would.

732. Come, orphans. It's time for the big event.

733. - My associate here...

734. Hello, good to see you again.

735. will stay with your sister and we will be in constant contact

736. with the use of these walkie-talkies.

737. If anything goes wrong during tonight's performance,

738. your sister will be dropped to her death. Shall we?

739. We'll be back soon, Sunny. - Don't worry.

740. Come on.

741. Count Olaf, Eleanora Poe, from the Daily Punctilio.

742. Taking the role of a handsome man is certainly a brave choice.

743. Is it a stretch for you?

744. Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium

745. than, say, streaming television.

746. And how do you respond to rumors that this whole production

747. - is nothing more than an evil plot? - Evil plot?

748. The only evil plot going on is the one you'll see on stage.

749. Take your seats.

750. - All right, curtain 8:00 p.m. - Check.

751. - Intermission, 9:15. - Check.

752. Act two, 9:30, unless concession sales are strong.

753. - Check. - The wedding will be around 10:00 p.m.,

754. followed by champagne toasts, reception with cake and finger food,

755. then the after-party at the Mexican place.

756. Check.

757. I'm just glad the Baudelaires are adjusting to their new life.

758. I had my doubts about Count Olaf,

759. but now that I see he's putting three young children in the theater,

760. all my anxieties are put to rest.

761. You two will stay right here until the wedding scene.

762. Any sort of funny business, and it's curtains for your baby sister.

763. You see, "curtains" means that your sister will be dropped out of the window,

764. but it's also a sort of play on theatrical curtains.

765. One minute to curtain.

766. - You look great. - Don't distract me with idle chatter.

767. I'm trying to get into character.

768. Now, Justice Whatever, sit here until the wedding scene.

769. Remember, you must use the exact same wording you use in an actual wedding.

770. Get it absolutely right.

771. There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age.

772. Talent scouts! Oh, my!

773. Justice Strauss, may we speak to you?

774. Don't distract me with idle chatter. I am trying to get into character.

775. Change of plans. Sit here. Don't distract her.

776. - Your better side.

777. Rubber baby, baby, baby. Rubber baby...

778. Rubber baby, baby...

779. Rubber baby, baby, baby.

780. - Rubber baby, baby, baby.

781. - Rubber baby, baby, baby. - Showtime.

782. - All right, all right. - All right, all right.

783. - Rubber bubber... Baby bubber. - Rubber bubber...

784. Here I am, literally standing at the edge of a pond.

785. He's not literally standing at the edge of a pond.

786. He's figuratively standing at the edge of a pond.

787. What is a very handsome man like me to do about it...

788. except perform a lengthy soliloquy?

789. Don't suppose you know how to play poker.

790. Would you like to deal?

791. Please, lady pharaohs,

792. I am very handsome, but I am only one man.

793. By the waters of the Nile, this very handsome man shall be mine.

794. By the shape of the pyramids, I'll kill you if I can't have him.

795. He's so handsome.

796. Okay, if I win this hand, you give me a backrub,

797. but if you win again, I'll put tape on my mouth.

798. Please, Duchess.

799. I am very handsome, but I am only one man.

800. By the turrets of Gravelstein, this very handsome man shall be mine.

801. By the Gardens of Worthington,

802. if I can't have him, my heart will literally break.

803. Figuratively. "My heart will figuratively break."

804. Why, what handsome adventures I have had,

805. only to end up at this same pond on this...

806. my wedding day!

807. Say your line.

808. Do you...

809. take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

810. I do.

811. - Do you take this woman— - Man.

812. Man. Do you take this man...

813. to be your lawfully wedded husband?

814. - I do.

815. By the powers vested in me by going to law school,

816. I now pronounce you Count and Countess.

817. [white-faced women] Mazel tov.

818. Okay.

819. Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make an announcement.

820. There is no need to continue with tonight's performance.

821. For its purpose has been served.

822. This has not been a scene of fiction.

823. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal,

824. and I am now in control of her entire fortune.

825. That can't be true!

826. On the contrary, Judgikins,

827. the law of the land clearly states that the bride must say "I do"

828. and sign the appropriate document in her own hand.

829. And all of you, ladies and gentlemen, are witnesses.

830. Violet is only a child. She's not old enough to marry.

831. She is if her legal guardian allows it.

832. And in addition to being her husband, I am also her legal guardian.

833. But that piece of paper's not an official document.

834. It's... it's just a stage prop.

835. If you look closely enough,

836. I think you'll see that it is figuratively real.

837. - Literally. - I said literally.

838. I'm afraid this marriage is entirely binding.

839. Violet...

840. you said "I do" and signed this paper in your own hand.

841. Count Olaf, you are now Violet's legal husband.

842. And?

843. And a vile and terrible person.

844. A vile and terrible person

845. who is in complete control of the Baudelaires' entire fortune.

846. This is absolutely horrendous. I won't allow it!

847. I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.

848. Count Olaf is correct.

849. This marriage is legally binding.

850. - I am so sorry, Baudelaires.

851. I can't believe how easily I was tricked.

852. You were easily tricked!

853. It was child's play, winning this fortune.

854. And now, a reception to celebrate my special day. Hit it!

855. Oh, thank you.

856. - Stop.

857. First, let Sunny go.

858. Where is Sunny?

859. I'm afraid she's tied up at the moment,

860. if you'll forgive my little joke.

861. See, it's a little play on words. "All tied up" is a figurative—

862. You promised to let her go!

863. Oh, and what kind of husband would I be if I didn't keep my promises?

864. Drop the pip-squeak to her death.

865. No.

866. - You idiot! What are you doing?

867. Well, I had to bring her here. She had a straight flush.

868. So, you escaped, you little dishrag.

869. Well, I'm still married to Violet, and I will dispense with you

870. on our honeymoon.

871. Care to dance, Countess?

872. I'm not a Countess. At least I don't think I am.

873. - Wait. - And why not, pray tell?

874. I didn't sign the document in my own hand, as the law states.

875. Don't lie to me, orphan. Everyone saw you.

876. Yes, there were several hundred witnesses, not to mention those on the mezzanine.

877. But I'm right-handed,

878. and I signed the document with my left hand.

879. Well, that doesn't count.

880. You're just being a sore loser and trying to ruin my special day.

881. With all due respect,

882. I think Justice Strauss ought to tell us if it counts.

883. That's right.

884. That's right. I should tell you. I am a judge.

885. Let me think.

886. I don't know.

887. What?

888. You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something.

889. This is a very complicated case.

890. It would take a formidable legal scholar to solve it.

891. May I have a blackboard, please?

892. In the respected legal tome, Nuptial Law,

893. John Locke's 1690s groundbreaking work is cited,

894. postulating that the law of the land rests on the...

895. As you can well imagine, Klaus' legal argument

896. had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall

897. and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells, a phrase which here means

898. it was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.

899. And so, as Martin Luther King said,

900. "Morality cannot be legislated, but behavior can be regulated.

901. Judicial decrees may not change the heart...

902. but they can restrain the heartless."

903. Ah! That moral argument

904. had all the apocryphal insight of Thurgood Marshall

905. and the moral aplomb of Ida B. Wells.

906. It was thoroughly impressive and utterly convincing.

907. And I am happy to say that because Violet,

908. who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand,

909. the marriage is invalid.

910. Well, you may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter.

911. Do you honestly believe I will allow you

912. to continue to care for these three children

913. after the treachery I've seen here tonight?

914. I'm even considering firing your associate

915. - as my secretary. Hear, hear!

916. Jacquelyn, is that you?

917. - Where have you been? - I was kidnapped

918. by Count Olaf's associates and tied to a tree

919. before I could tell you that the Baudelaires' uncle, Dr. Montgomery,

920. was designated by the parents as their legal guardian

921. and has been waiting to hear from you.

922. - Dr. Montgomery? - I've never heard of him.

923. Well, you are hereby rehired as my secretary

924. with an 8% increase in salary.

925. The Baudelaires will be sent to a suitable guardian

926. and this series of unfortunate events has come to a close.

927. As for you, Count Olaf...

928. I'll get my hands on your fortune if it's the last thing I do.

929. And when I have it,

930. I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb.

931. - Not funny, guys.

932. Olaf? Olaf?

933. Olaf!

934. He's escaped!

935. Wait until the readers of the Daily Punctilio hear about this!

936. You have to capture him! You have to go after him!

937. You let the authorities worry about that.

938. You children, come home with me.

939. Sorry, but the children must come with me.

940. I cannot allow the Baudelaires to be raised by someone who is not a relative.

941. What? After all Justice Strauss has done for us?

942. We never would've figured out Count Olaf's plan

943. without Justice Strauss and her library.

944. That may be so, but your parents' will is very specific.

945. He's right.

946. There's a vigorously fixed destination your parents had in mind for you,

947. and it is not with Count Olaf or Justice Strauss.

948. Well...

949. goodbye, children.

950. I'll miss you very much.

951. We'll miss you, too.

952. Come along, Baudelaires.

953. Goodbye.

954. Bye!

955. - Where are we gonna go now, boss? - To a vigorously fixed destination.

956. Some things in life are difficult to understand,

957. even after years and years of thinking about 'em

958. while wandering alone through desolate landscapes...

959. usually during the off-season.

960. Gustav, have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's?

961. Repeat. Have the Baudelaires arrived at Dr. Montgomery's?

962. Not yet.

963. But I'm literally standing at the edge of a pond. Ow!

964. I have a lead on our missing parents. They're alive, but they've been—

965. The world is quiet here.

966. Gustav?

967. Gustav?

968. The Baudelaires did not understand

969. why they were now off toward an unknown relative

970. instead of living with Justice Strauss.

971. But as with so many unfortunate events in life,

972. just because you don't understand it, doesn't mean it isn't so.

973. Usually, our theatrical reviews are the most boring part of the paper.

974. But I bet you little stage hogs are about to make the front page again.

975. The front page!

976. It seemed to the children that they were moving in an aberrant,

977. a word which here means "very, very wrong, and causing much grief," direction.

978. Things are worse than we thought.

979. They almost always are.

980. Every moment the children are without us drags them deeper into danger.

981. Then we don't have a moment to lose.

982. What's a woman like you building in a place like this?

983. Grappling hook.

984. Molotov cocktail.

985. - You? - Leave no stone unturned.