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2. Hello.
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3. - Hello, and welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
- Hello.
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4. Ladies and gentlemen,
because Hugh and I are known for our anger,
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5. our satirical rage at the human condition,
for want of a better cliché,
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6. er, we often get accused
of lacking a sense of proportion.
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7. Here's a letter that we received
that I'd like to read out to you, if I may.
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8. "Dear Fry and Laurie,
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9. "It's very easy to knock,
to rage, to snarl and to satirise.
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10. "It's oh so simple, for instance,
to knock Mrs Thatcher, isn't it?
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11. "But what are you suggesting should
go in the place of the institutions and people
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12. "you so viciously decry?"
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13. Well, of course, he's absolutely right.
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14. It is ludicrously easy to knock Mrs Thatcher,
isn't it?
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15. It's the simplest, easiest
and most obvious thing in the worid
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16. to remark that she's a shameful, putrid scab,
an embarrassing, ludicrous monstrosity,
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17. who makes one frankly ashamed to be British,
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18. and that her ideas and standards are a stain
on our national history.
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19. That's easy. Anyone can see that.
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20. Nothing difficult about that. But after tonight,
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21. no one can ever accuse us again of failing
to come up with something to take her place.
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22. Hugh.
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23. So that's... that's our constructive suggestion,
and I hope that's silenced some of our critics.
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24. Now, anyway, on with the blind, unreasoning rage.
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25. Yes, well, exactly. Here we go.
I've written a savage, savage, angry song
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26. about jars that get separated from their lids.
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27. Um... I'm not really sure, Hugh,
that that sort of qualifies as satire.
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28. Well, you wait till you've heard it.
There's plenty of anger in there, I can tell you.
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29. All right.
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30. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
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31. Um, it's here, Hugh.
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32. Yes, I do.
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33. I think everybody knows now.
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34. Hugh?
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35. The lid is right here. It was behind the sofa, really.
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36. Hugh!
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37. I'm putting the lid onto the jar.
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38. It's on the... Hugh!
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39. Hugh, there...
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40. We are devoting the rest of tonight's programme
to a tribute
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41. to the writer, comedian and light-sketch actor,
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42. Hugh "Excellent sermon, Vicar" Laurie,
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43. who died suddenly today after a merciful accident
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44. that released him
from years of painful mental illness.
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45. Hugh Laurie, whose real name was Hugh Laurie,
was better known by his stage name,
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46. Hugh Laurie.
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47. Hugh was born and brought up
in a working-class home
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48. that his parents had specially built
in the grounds of their Gloucestershire estate.
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49. Like many shy children, Hugh learned
from a very early age simply to blend in.
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50. There's a picture of Hugh
in High Wycombe in 1964.
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51. Hugh's first acting job came in 1979
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52. at the Hereford Civic Centre, since renamed,
in Hugh's honour,
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53. the Hereford Civic and Amenities Centre.
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54. He brought a certain quality
to all the roles he played.
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55. And it was really a quality of...
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56. a quality of needing
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57. the money, really.
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58. He was an immensely dangerous man.
A very dangerous actor.
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59. You know, whenever he was around
there was always this feeling of "ooh".
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60. Anything could happen.
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61. Hugh Laurie, on the other hand,
was one of the dullest men I've ever met.
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62. So, Stephen Fry, um, you probably knew
Hugh Laurie better than he knew himself.
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63. What's your fondest memory
of working with him?
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64. The moment I knew he was really dead
would be very hard to beat.
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65. So, anyway, on with A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
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66. - Deceased.
- Sorry, A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
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67. Good morning, I hope you can help me.
I've tried everywhere.
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68. Do you have a copy of Fly Fishing by JR Hartley?
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69. I knew it, I knew it.
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70. - Didn't I say to you this morning?
- Yeah.
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71. Yesterday, we had a shop full of them.
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72. - Crates full.
- Yeah, we were up to here with Fly Fishing.
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73. - Yeah.
- Yeah, but now...
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74. Voom!
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75. That shows the power of advertising, I suppose.
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76. - Yeah, yeah.
- I suppose it does, I suppose it does.
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77. I'll tell you what we have got, though.
We've got 30,000 copies of the Yellow Pages.
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78. - Can't shift 'em.
- Yellow Pages? Oh, can I order one?
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79. - Well, we've got them here.
- Yes, but I have to order it, you see.
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80. - Well, yeah, you can order one, if you like, yeah.
- Ah, splendid. May I use your phone?
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81. - What?
- I have to order it over the phone, you see.
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82. Help yourself.
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83. Hello?
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84. Hello.
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85. - Good morning.
- Good morning.
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86. Do you have a copy of Yellow Pages?
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87. - Yes.
- You do? Splendid.
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88. My name?
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89. - I didn't ask him his name, did you?
- No.
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90. Yes, it's Pages. LO Pages.
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91. Good old LO Pages.
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92. Rupert Murdoch would sell his own mother
for 50 quid.
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93. I offered him 40 but he said,
"No, 50. Take it or leave it."
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94. So in a sense, in a sense, in a sense, Duncan,
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95. we are left with those two. Er, two.
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96. None other, nary another, not one other more.
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97. Er, we have on the one side of the gulf,
the chasm, the dividing line, if you please,
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98. we have the beauty of ideas,
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99. and on the other, I don't know,
the other term of the equation, if that's nicer,
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100. we have the idea of beauty.
Am I sensing through? Am I connecting?
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101. We're busy discussing the idea of beauty,
and the beauty of ideas.
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102. Hold the thought, Geoffrey, would you?
I'm going to give you a thought.
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103. I'd like you to hold it for me.
Would you do that for me, please?
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104. I'm going to hold a thought now.
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105. If beauty is only an idea, a form,
a pattern, a template, a paradigm, an ideal,
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106. an idea, if you like, with an "L",
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107. then what is the beautiful?
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108. Beauty is unattainable,
but the beautiful surrounds us.
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109. Er, we return to language, Philip.
We make a return to language.
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110. That's the idea I'd like you to hold for me,
if you'd be ever so splendid.
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111. All right, well, we've made a return to language.
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112. Listen to me. Listen to me, lovelet.
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113. Language circumscribes beauty.
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114. Confirms, confines, limbs and delineates.
It colours and contains.
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115. Yet language is only a tool,
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116. a tool that we use to dig up
the beauty that surrounds us,
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117. and is, we take, our only and absolute real.
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118. I'm in trouble now.
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119. Hush, tish, vibble.
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120. I'm speaking ahead.
Let me explain, expound, expand and exposit.
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121. - Would you?
- I find you beautiful, but you are not beauty.
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122. Whoops.
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123. Therefore, you contain a property of beauty.
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124. Therefore, the substance of which
you exhibit a property must exist. Where is it?
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125. That is language's task.
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126. Who was it who said
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127. "my language is the universal whore
that I must make into a virgin"?
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128. Who was it?
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129. Kate Adie?
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130. I think... I think it was Karl Kraus.
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131. But it needn't have been. It needn't have been.
Now, tell me, tell me.
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132. It's time to ask you to give back to me
the thought that I bade you hold.
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133. Um, I was holding the thought
that we've made a return to language.
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134. Correctly correctington. Language pursues beauty,
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135. harries it, hounds it,
courses it across the rough lands of enquiry,
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136. and in so doing, can itself be beautiful.
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137. Ripple on ripple, image on image.
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138. Wheel within a wheel like the circles
that we find in the windmills of our mind.
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139. - Noel Harrison.
- Noel, as you so rightly, Harrison.
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140. Now, language can be beautiful.
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141. "And Madeline asleep in lap of legends old",
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142. plenitude, dishes, martita, breasts,
tumble, emolument, forage,
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143. smitten, plenum, vulva.
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144. Words that have their own sonority and beauty,
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145. which is extrinsic, extrinsic to their connotation
or denotational referends.
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146. I think he said vulva.
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147. So, Timothy, I'll leave you
with a thought, a breath,
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148. the fruit, the drops
from the bowels of my imaginings.
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149. Think beauty but be beautiful.
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150. Say beauty, but say it beautifully.
Beauty is duty and duty, beauty. So there.
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151. Good night, I don't feel quite so well now.
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152. I don't think they ever will invent a time machine,
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153. because if they had done so in the future,
they would've got in it straightaway
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154. and come back and made sure
that Esther Rantzen had never been born.
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155. But she has been,
so they can't have done, can they?
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156. Anarchy!
Anarchy!
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157. - Anarchy!
- Anarchy!
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158. - We believe in anarchy!
- We believe in anarchy!
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159. - God is dead!
- God is dead!
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160. - We don't believe in God!
- We don't believe in God!
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161. - Long live the god of anarchy!
- Long live the god of anarchy!
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162. - Who we don't believe in.
- No.
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163. In fact, we don't believe in anarchy!
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164. - Down with anarchy!
- Down with anarchy!
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165. We don't believe in anarchy!
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166. - So we're sorry to have bothered you.
- Sorry to have bothered you.
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167. - Bye.
- Bye.
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168. Damn it, John, it's biological leakage.
What can I tell you?
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169. Biological leakage?
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
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170. It means that our UK customer base
is being eroded.
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171. Peter, I'm not blaming you,
but you've got to look at it my way.
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172. In 90 minutes, I've got to go
before the Archbishop
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173. with a presentation on targets
for expanding our user base,
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174. - and you're giving me a set of figures...
- Ballpark.
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175. Ballpark, no matter.
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176. The Archbishop is gonna want to know
how project Christcom is panning out.
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177. You are not giving me the real numbers I need.
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178. John, give me 24 hours,
maybe I can cook something up,
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179. - a pie chart...
- 24 hours and a pie chart in a dog's arse, Peter.
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180. Peter, remind me what the hell it says
above your parking space.
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181. - John, I don't understand...
- Answer me, damn it.
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182. - "Maximum height two metres."
- Next to that.
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183. "Space reserved for Peter Sherman,
Executive Vice Bishop of Uttoxeter."
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184. Thank you. Thank you, Peter.
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185. Because when I asked you to join me as my EVB,
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186. I didn't want just a set of pie charts,
I wanted results.
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187. Okay, John, maybe it's time
for some straight talking.
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188. No, no, no, no, Peter.
Yesterday was time for straight talking.
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189. Today is time for plain speaking.
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190. Well, John, just give me the ball for a second.
Let me run with it, will you?
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191. Okay, Peter, I guess you've earned it.
The field is yours, you're clear to the touchline, go.
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192. Okay, John. As I see it,
you and I were given a brief
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193. to set out the concept
of front-end accessibility with volume targeting.
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194. Tell me something I don't know, Peter.
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195. My geography teacher's middle name was Louis.
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196. Carry on.
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197. Now, at no stage...
You can pick me up on this if I'm out of line.
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198. At no stage did God ever specify
the exact corporate structure
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199. within which we were to carry out
this brief or remit.
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200. - When did you last speak with God?
- Last night, John.
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201. With a bit of luck...
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202. Wait a minute, it's a fax now.
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203. Yep, John, it's from God, all right. Listen to this.
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204. "Re: your prayer of last night,
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205. "unable to anything about Anneka Rice."
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206. Ah, but... "Suggest you proceed as planned
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207. "regarding merger with Rome Corp."
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208. Merger with Rome Corp?
I haven't heard anything about this.
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209. It's an idea that the Archbishop's been nursing.
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210. But merger? You don't merge
with a multinational like Rome Corp.
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211. You get taken over. You get eaten whole
for breakfast and crapped out before lunch.
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212. Tell me, Peter, maybe it's time to start thinking
management buyout.
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213. That's it, John. That's exactly what I'm saying.
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214. Between us, you and me can put together the kind
of package that could cut out Lambeth altogether.
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215. - Deal direct with Rome, you mean?
- Why the hell not?
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216. I like it. I like it a lot, Peter.
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217. But maybe...
maybe you've reckoned without one thing.
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218. Well, John, I don't claim to be infallible.
If I've missed a trick...
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219. Marjorie.
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220. Marjorie? How the hell does Marjorie fit into this?
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221. Lengthways, Peter.
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222. Marjorie has got the United Episcopal Church
eating out of her goddamn portfolio.
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223. Damn it, John.
To think that you loved that woman once.
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224. I know.
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225. But Peter, I guess maybe love and hate
are just the same sides of a different coin.
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226. A coin that I spent years ago.
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227. - Did that make any sense, John?
- No.
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228. - But does it matter?
- Oh, yes, yes, it matters like hell, John.
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229. Because listen to me. If we keep our heads,
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230. if we stick together on this one,
you know, we can beat Marjorie.
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231. - Maybe. Maybe you're right.
- But this time, John,
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232. - we do it by the book.
- Check.
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233. Let us pray.
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234. Oh, Lord, you've seen the figures.
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235. Show us a way to streamline
some kind of management structure
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236. which will enable 4-5% growth
during the next financial twelvemonth.
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237. - Amen.
- Amen.
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238. - No, John. John.
- Oh, yeah.
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239. Oh, and Lord,
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240. show us some way that we can beat
seven types of corporate crap out of Marjorie.
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241. Damn!
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242. There are some very exciting chardonnays
coming out of New Zealand at the moment.
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243. That is delicious.
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244. First one was dog, the second one was cat.
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245. No? Oh, both cat?
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246. Mm-hm.
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247. Ah, no, it's a trick. They're both red.
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248. Yeah? Let's have a look.
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249. Oh.
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250. That's... Oh, that's very good. That's very good.
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251. That's quite funny. Um...
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252. You won't show this, will you?
'Cause I'm a wine merchant,
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253. and I'll get terrible stick at work.
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254. My first kiss.
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255. I suppose everyone can remember their first kiss.
Nothing quite lives up to it, does it?
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256. Um, I was, I think, 11 years old,
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257. and my great-uncle had come to stay
for a few weeks
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258. while on parole.
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259. And we used... We used to play this game,
where I would sit on his lap
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260. and he would pretend to be a train.
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261. Hugh, Hugh, what are you saying?
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262. Well, I was just telling the ladies and gentlemen
about my first kiss.
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263. Yes, but Hugh, this is a delicate area,
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264. - I really don't think...
- No, no, it's all right, don't worry.
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265. - You sure?
- Yeah, it's fine, honestly.
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266. All right.
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267. So my surprise at suddenly feeling a tongue...
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268. Hugh, Hugh, Hugh.
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269. There are valid arenas and there are valid arenas,
and this is not one of them.
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270. No, no, I want this experience to be understood.
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271. You know, because it may help others
to know that they're not the only ones
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272. - to have felt that wet...
- Hugh, Hugh.
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273. Hugh, this is a whole can of worms
you're opening here,
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274. and believe me, if there is one taboo left,
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275. one unmentionable subject
not fit for comic treatment,
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276. then you've just mentioned it.
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277. Well, but surely there's...
I mean, there's nothing so odd about it, is there?
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278. I mean, there I was,
sitting on my great-uncle's lap and in came Lucy.
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279. - Lucy?
- Yes, Lucy.
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280. And how old was Lucy?
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281. Well, the same age as me, I think.
No, 12. She was 12.
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282. And I kissed her.
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283. - You kissed her?
- Yes.
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284. You've done this deliberately, haven't you?
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285. - Done what?
- You've set it up to make it look as if...
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286. - As if what?
- Oh, never mind, just get on with it.
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287. All right, so I kissed Lucy,
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288. and was very surprised to feel her tongue pop out.
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289. It was my first real snog,
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290. and I loved it. I fell in love instantly.
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291. Um, sadly, the very next year,
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292. Lucy developed distemper
and had to be put down.
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293. Toch!
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294. At least, I think that's what he said.
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295. I bumped into this old school friend the other day.
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296. He was on a Yamaha 750. It was a terrible mess.
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297. Well, you'd think...
Oh, Christ, I've left the iron on.
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298. Good evening and welcome to
Trying To Borrow A Fiver Off.
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299. Tonight, I shall be trying to borrow a fiver off
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300. the conductor of the
Newbury Philharmonic Orchestra,
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301. - Neville Anderson. Good evening, Neville.
- Oh, for goodness sake, call me Neville.
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302. Well, if you insist. Uh, now, Neville, uh,
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303. could I possibly borrow a fiver off you
till Wednesday?
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304. Uh, let's see. Oh, I'm terribly sorry,
I've got nothing smaller than a 20.
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305. Bye-bye.
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306. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.
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307. Hello, Control.
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308. Oh, Tony, it's you.
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309. Yes, I understand from Valerie
that you wanted reasonably strongly to see me.
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310. Well, Valerie was by no means
leading you astray, Tony,
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311. because I do want to see you.
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312. I find that Valerie is usually right
in these little matters.
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313. That's true.
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314. Control,
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315. did you, I wonder, want to talk to me as well,
or was it just seeing me that was on your mind?
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316. No, Tony, there was something
I wanted to ask you,
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317. but it's a bit tricky.
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318. - Tricky?
- Yes. Tricky.
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319. Have you, Tony, I wonder,
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320. ever been in the position where you've had
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321. to say to someone that you like rather a lot
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322. that you're going to have to fire them
from their job?
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323. No.
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324. Ah.
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325. There. That didn't turn out to be too tricky
a thing to ask me, did it?
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326. No. But the thing is I haven't quite got
to the tricky part, Tony.
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327. Ah. Would it be the kind of thing that would go
better with a good cup of coffee, Control?
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328. Well, that's very kind of you, Tony,
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329. but I wouldn't want to be thought of
as hiding behind that cup of coffee.
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330. Well, that's just as well, Control,
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331. because the cup of coffee I had in mind
was going to be quite small.
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332. Yes. Tony, have you, I wonder, in your position
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333. as Subsection Chief of the East Germany
and Related Satellites desk,
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334. noticed the way the wind has been blowing
behind the Iron Curtain of late?
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335. It's been blowing in odd kinds of ways,
hasn't it, Control?
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336. Yes, Tony, it has.
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337. Glasnost, perestroika and related phenomena
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338. have had their effect on the political map
of Europe in no uncertain terms.
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339. Yes.
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340. Only this morning I had to ask Valerie
if she wouldn't mind popping out
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341. and buying us some new political maps of Europe.
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342. 'Cause ours are really quite out of date.
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343. Yes. It's shaken up all our lives, it's true.
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344. Yes, Control, it has.
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345. And it also means, Tony,
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346. that our masters in Whitehall
have started to wonder
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347. whether they need quite so many people
involved in spying.
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348. I'm not sure I fully understand, Control.
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349. Well, Tony, they take the view
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350. that what with the Russians ringing us up
every day and simply telling us all their secrets,
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351. we don't need to spend quite so much money
on finding them out.
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352. That's an astute piece of political thinking
by our masters in Whitehall, isn't it, Control?
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353. Yes, Tony, it is.
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354. - How about that coffee now?
- No, Tony. Not quite yet, thank you.
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355. What this has all been leading up to,
if you haven't already guessed, Tony,
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356. is that I'm going to have to
fire you from your job.
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357. Control, I'm slightly at a loss for words.
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358. Believe me when I tell you, Tony,
that this isn't easy for me at all.
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359. In fact, it's one of the hardest things
I've ever had to do
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360. in all my years as Head of the Secret Service.
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361. I certainly don't envy you
having to pass on a bit of news
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362. like the one you've just passed on to me.
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363. That's very understanding of you, Tony.
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364. Well, Control, I suppose that's that, then.
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365. Yes, Tony, it is.
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366. Well, Control, may I take this opportunity
of saying how much I've enjoyed working for you,
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367. and wish you the best of luck
in all your future spying?
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368. Thank you, Tony. And I can tell you that this place
just won't be the same without you.
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369. No, I suppose it'll be quite different,
won't it, Control?
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370. Because I won't be here.
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371. Yes.
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372. - I'll be somewhere else.
- That's right.
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373. Well, goodbye, Control.
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374. Goodbye, Tony Murchison.
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375. Valerie,
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376. I wonder if you wouldn't mind popping in
with a cup of coffee for me?
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377. How do I like it?
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378. I like it the way Tony Murchison used to make it.
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379. Good evening and welcome
to Introducing My Grandfather To.
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380. Tonight, I shall be introducing my grandfather
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381. to the pornographer and steeplechase jockey,
Benton Asher.
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382. - Good evening, Benton.
- Good evening.
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383. And now, may I introduce you to my grandfather?
Grandfather, this is Benton Asher.
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384. - How do you do?
- Yes.
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385. Good night.
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386. Ladies and gentlemen, bear with me.
Bear with me, please, just for a moment.
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387. Don't stop bearing with me.
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388. I have a vision, ladies and gentlemen,
I have a vision of Britain.
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389. I see a country... I see a country peopled,
a country peopled with people.
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390. People who people it with charm, with grace,
yes, even with greatness.
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391. And as they people it,
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392. they enhance it with amusing voices
and their unusual children.
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393. And I see many towns and many villages.
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394. And I see family-amusement,
heritage-theme fun parks,
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395. which will smell of urine and vomit.
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396. And I see 10 water and sewage businesses.
I see leisuredromes.
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397. I see huge edge-of-town crematoriums
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398. and DayGlo Bermuda shorts
flecked with urine and vomit.
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399. I see thousands of miles of motorway
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400. conveniently stuffed full
of hundreds of thousands of cars,
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401. whose seats shall be stained
with children and urine and vomit.
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402. And the interiors of these cars...
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403. the interiors of these cars
shall be hot and sweaty and bad-tempered,
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404. for the queue
to the family-entertainment leisure hychrodrome
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405. shall be thousands of miles long.
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406. And I see hundreds of shiny magazines
out of which will fall
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407. dozens of smaller shiny magazines,
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408. advertising personal attack alarms
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409. and handy freshen-up wipe and absorbent pads.
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410. And the faces of the people who shall be
peopling this new Britain
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411. shall be flushed and they shall be shiny
and they shall be pink,
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412. because they know that they are forging
a new Britain.
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413. A Britain of family heritage,
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414. and a Britain of amusement and amenity fun.
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415. As yet, it is only a vision.
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416. A vision of family heritage urine
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417. and fun amenity vomit.
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418. But soon, soon with luck,
sincerity and steadfast voting,
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419. it may become a reality.
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420. Good evening and welcome to
Realising I've Given The Wrong Directions To.
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421. Tonight, I shall be realising I've given
the wrong directions to Rabbi Michael Leibovitz.
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422. Good eve...
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423. Oh, damn.
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424. Good night.
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