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2. Thank you. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
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3. Thank you so very much.
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4. Well, good evening.
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5. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome.
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6. Well, my hands are a bit full so, Hugh,
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7. perhaps you wouldn't mind
doing the apostrophes for me this week?
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8. - Certainly, right.
- Welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
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9. Some very, very exciting news.
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10. I received a letter today.
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11. - Hugh, if you would.
- Right.
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12. A letter from Buckingham Palace
and I'm going to read it to you.
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13. "Dear Mr Fry..." Misspelt.
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14. "Thank you very much for applying for the MBE.
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15. "As you know, numbers are limited.
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16. "We have only one MBE
left on the upcoming Honours List."
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17. - Oh, dear.
- It's disappointing, isn't it?
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18. - That is disappointing. "Upcoming"?
- Yes. Rather American, isn't it?
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19. Still, it goes on.
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20. "Apart from yourself,
the shortlist includes Arthur Holt,
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21. "Reading's Mr Ballbearings,
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22. "Elspeth Reid, deputy to the deputy-deputy
of the Chobham Conservative Party
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23. "and Sally Cooke."
Who is an Olympic athlete, is that right?
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24. - Oh, come on. Everyone knows who Sally Cooke is.
- Sorry, okay.
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25. "And the winner will be the one who,
in the opinion of the judges,
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26. "comes up with the best slogan."
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27. - Slogan?
- Yes, you have to say,
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28. in not more than 10 words,
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29. why you think the Queen
is both marvellous and important.
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30. Right. Well...
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31. Well, come on, Hugh. You're a words man.
Have a go.
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32. - It can't be that hard, can it? In 10 words.
- Not more than.
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33. Right. I think the Queen is both
marvellous and important because...
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34. That's it.
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35. - What?
- 10 words.
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36. "I think the Queen
is both marvellous and important because."
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37. - Yeah. It's got sort of a ring to it.
- Yeah.
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38. - It's not overstated.
- No, no. She'd like that, the Queen.
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39. - Very, very understated woman.
- Terribly understated.
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40. - Discreetly understated.
- Oh, yes, discreet.
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41. She'd never fall into the easy trap
of overstating her understatedness.
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42. - Exactly. Very like Sally Cooke, actually.
- Yes.
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43. I think the Queen and Sally Cooke
would get on very well.
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44. That's true, actually, isn't it?
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45. Let's face it. Sally Cooke's got it, hasn't she?
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46. - She'll win the MBE.
- Yeah, yeah.
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47. Well, then, ladies and gentlemen,
a big A Bit hand for Sally Cooke,
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48. captain of the British Winter Olympics
synchronised losing team!
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49. This is Dominic Appleguard.
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50. Dominic Appleguard is unhappy.
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51. When Dominic Appleguard was three months old,
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52. his mother left him.
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53. Dominic Appleguard always felt different
from the other boys at school.
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54. He felt apart, somehow separate.
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55. Unlike them, dissimilar, not the same.
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56. Dominic's father died when he was only seven.
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57. Dominic developed a passion for broadcaster
and TVpersonality Bob Holness.
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58. He vowed to strive always to be worthy of him.
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59. Dominic wears a hat in an odd but caring way.
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60. You can trust him with a peony
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61. and a cod.
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62. Dominic Appleguard designed the M25.
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63. If there were any justice in this worid,
Esther Rantzen would be Queen.
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64. Luckily, there isn't.
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65. Well, you see, it's a sensitive area, isn't it?
It's a very sensitive area.
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66. That's why I very rarely rub it.
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67. Hello there. I am Rhodes Boyson.
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68. Good evening. My name is Rhodes Boyson.
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69. We are the Rhodes Boysons and this is our hour.
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70. An hour in which phrases...
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71. Phrases, certainly. Yes, certainly phrases.
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72. Phrases such as "centres of excellence"
will be much in evidence.
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73. The phrase "centre of excellence"
will be muchly evidenced.
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74. - And by "centre of excellence" we mean...
- We mean primarily...
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75. - Primarily, that is.
- A centre that is...
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76. - By and large...
- By-ly and largely...
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77. Excellent in some regard.
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78. - In some regard or other.
- In some or other regard.
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79. That is what we mean by "centre of excellence".
I hope that's cleared that one up.
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80. Another word that cannot be stressed enough
is "standards".
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81. Standards as in "standards of excellence",
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82. "moral standards"
and "standards of accountability".
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83. "Standards of accountability".
Oh, I love that one. Yes.
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84. Now, be prepared also for this phrase,
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85. "working to improve the lot of small businesses".
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86. - Careful.
- Careful.
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87. - Careful.
- Careful.
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88. Careful. That's not working
to improve "a" lot of small businesses.
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89. That's working to improve
"the" lot of small businesses.
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90. So, for the time being, we'll leave you
with these three marvellous phrases.
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91. - "Centres of excellence".
- That's "centres of excellence".
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92. - "Standards of accountability".
- "Standards of accountability".
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93. I do love that one.
I shall be using that one in bed tonight.
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94. And "working to improve the lot..." Careful!
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95. Careful.
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96. "... the lot of small businesses".
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97. So, it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.
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98. And it's bye-bye from Rhodes Boyson.
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99. We trust that you have enjoyed...
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100. Our hour.
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101. He just picked me up
and started to slap me really hard.
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102. I cried and cried, but he didn't take any notice.
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103. Then he put a plastic tag round my wrist,
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104. cut my umbilical cord and put me in a cot.
It was awful.
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105. Mr Kerniff.
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106. - Where...?
- Mr Kerniff, how are you feeling?
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107. Where am I?
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108. You probably don't remember, Mr Kerniff,
but you were in an accident.
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109. - A van?
- No, an accident.
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110. - You were on your bicycle and you were hit...
- By a van.
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111. That's right.
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112. - Am I all right?
- Oh, you're going to be fine, Mr Kerniff.
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113. Lots of drink and plenty of hot sleep.
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114. Right.
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115. I'm afraid to say, however, that you did sustain
a very serious injury to your genitals.
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116. - Oh, dear.
- "Oh," as you rightly say, "dear."
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117. So serious, in fact,
that we were forced to remove them.
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118. My genitals? Oh, no!
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119. Oh, as you didn't rightly say, yes.
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120. However will I manage?
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121. Well, did you use them often, Mr Kerniff?
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122. No, but it was nice to know they were there.
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123. Well, I shouldn't worry too much, Mr Kerniff.
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124. Medical science has advanced a great deal.
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125. Prosthetic and substitute legs, arms,
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126. even noses are now really quite commonplace.
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127. You supply substitute genitals?
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128. Say hello to Killer, Mr Kerniff.
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129. I don't...
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130. I don't want a dog's genitals, for heaven's sake.
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131. What an almost amusing
misunderstanding, Mr Kerniff.
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132. No, no, no.
No, Killer here will simply be your substitute
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133. for having genitals.
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134. I beg your pardon?
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135. Oh, surely you've seen people
walking around with Dobermans before?
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136. - Yes.
- Yeah, well, for men who have no genitals,
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137. the ownership of a Doberman,
or a similarly violent animal,
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138. acts as an important psychological crutch.
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139. And I stress the word "important".
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140. What about making love?
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141. Oh, I'm sure Killer will be on for that,
won't you now?
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142. Yes. Now, in addition, we will also be
supplying you with a diving watch,
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143. a year's subscription to Guns & Ammo
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144. and this camouflage combat jacket.
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145. - Oh, yes, and these will also be yours.
- What are they?
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146. Keys to your rusty white van. It's parked outside.
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147. - Doctor.
- Yes, Mr Kerniff?
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148. I appreciate that you're trying to help here,
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149. but I also used my genitals for,
you know, expelling urine.
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150. Oh, but Mr Kerniff,
that's the beauty of the whole system.
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151. When people see you in a combat jacket
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152. driving around in a rusty white van
with Killer here in the back,
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153. the piss will be taken out of you constantly.
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154. Anyway, I was very reasonable.
I said to the bank manager,
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155. you know, "Come on, it takes two to tango,"
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156. and he said, "Yeah, but it only takes one
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157. "to get out of my office and never come back."
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158. Freddy.
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159. Good heavens, Jack, I didn't see you there.
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160. Good evening, Freddy.
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161. Well, good evening, Jack.
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162. Now, then, Freddy, you're a decent sort of chap.
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163. Well, I...
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164. Yes, I think so, Jack. Yes.
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165. I try to be a decent sort of chap, yes.
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166. Can I ask you a question, Freddy?
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167. Ask away, Jack. Ask a-bloody-way.
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168. Are you one of us?
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169. - Am I one of us?
- Yes.
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170. - Am I one of us?
- Yes.
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171. I'm not... I'm not entirely sure
I've understood your question, Jack.
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172. Let me put it another way.
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173. Oh, would you, Jack?
Yes, well, I'd be enormously grateful, yes.
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174. Do you believe in the cause?
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175. - The cause?
- Cause of freedom.
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176. Well, Jack. I suppose...
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177. generally, yes. Yes, I do. Yes.
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178. If anyone's passing the hat round for freedom,
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179. then I'll bung them a quid or two, Jack, yes.
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180. I thought so. I thought so from the first.
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181. Yes, I'm one of us, Jack,
if you want to put it that way.
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182. Excellent.
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183. Phew. Well, we got there in the end, eh, Jack?
Sorted that one out.
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184. Gets a bit more complicated now.
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185. Hold on.
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186. Would you be prepared to do something
in the cause of freedom?
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187. Wh-what sort of thing, Jack?
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188. Jumble sale? Hand out leaflets? What?
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189. Put a bomb in a restaurant.
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190. Put a bomb in a restaurant?
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191. Crikey.
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192. And leave it there, you mean?
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193. Leave it there, that's right.
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194. Yes, yes. You don't mean put it there,
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195. have a spot of lunch and then take it out again?
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196. No. I mean leave it there.
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197. - Until it goes off?
- Precisely.
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198. Do you think you could manage that, Freddy,
in the cause of freedom?
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199. Well, Jack...
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200. Jack, I wonder if you wouldn't mind
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201. sort of joining up the dots for me, if you like.
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202. If it'll make it easier for you.
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203. Well, I... I think it will, Jack. I think it will.
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204. Yeah, because unless I fainted
and missed a whole chunk of the conversation,
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205. we've been sitting here, you and I,
having a nice old chat, nice old chat,
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206. putting the worid to rights and so on,
and then suddenly,
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207. you're asking me to put a bomb in a restaurant.
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208. That's right.
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209. Yes, well, those are the two dots
I'd like you to join up, Jack, if you wouldn't mind.
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210. The nice chat and the bomb in the restaurant.
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211. Just join them up for me, there's a good fellow.
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212. All right, then, Freddy.
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213. There are certain people
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214. who do not believe in the cause.
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215. - Don't believe in freedom, you mean?
- That's right.
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216. - Utter swine.
- Right.
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217. And they eat in a particular restaurant,
do they, Jack?
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218. Some of them will be eating
in a particular restaurant on a particular day, yes.
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219. Well, Jack, sorry to stop you,
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220. - but I've an idea.
- Yes?
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221. Yes, well, you know who these people are?
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222. - Yes.
- Yes.
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223. And you know which restaurant
they're going to be in?
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224. - Yes.
- Right, so here's the idea.
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225. We go in there, you and I, Jack,
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226. and we sit down at their table
and we have it out with them, eh, Jack?
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227. - Face to face. What do you say?
- Fight them, you mean?
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228. No! No, no, no, Jack. No, argument.
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229. Argument! You're a persuasive fellow, Jack.
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230. You know, I bet you we could sit down
at their table over the soup
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231. and you could talk, Jack, and I'll back you.
I'll back you to the hilt, Jack!
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232. And I bet you anything
we could have them believing in freedom
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233. by the time the pudding arrives, eh?
What do you say, Jack? Hm?
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234. I don't think that'll quite do, Freddy.
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235. It won't quite do. All right, Jack.
All right, how about this?
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236. We pretend...
We pretend to put a bomb in the restaurant.
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237. - Freddy.
- Yes, Jack?
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238. - I think perhaps...
- Yes?
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239. I think perhaps I was wrong about you.
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240. No, Jack! No! No, you weren't.
No, you were absolutely right, Jack.
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241. - Right as ruddy rain, you were.
- Well, then.
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242. Jack, it's just that...
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243. I'm just the most awful duffer
at this sort of thing, you know?
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244. The restaurant is called the Etoile d'Or
in Maddox Street.
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245. I suggest you put that behind the lavatory system
but of course, it's up to you.
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246. Oh, hell.
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247. Last night, I got what is technically known as
completely ratted.
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248. Yes. I was not unadjacent to being totally legless.
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249. I was exceedingly proximate to being paralytic.
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250. I think an observer
would have designated me quadriplegic.
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251. Poleaxed, certainly.
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252. So much so that when I woke up this morning,
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253. I couldn't remember the names
of the five moons of Treglos 14.
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254. Oh?
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255. - Dear me. Dear me, indeed. I hope you can now.
- Oh, certainly. Yes, yes.
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256. Zutron, Maim, Thrompthane,
Sneet and Palstreecken.
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257. You know, I was not far distant yesterday
in thinking that I'd uncovered
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258. a minor but definite inconsistency
in the Miemstiff trilogy.
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259. - Say on.
- Well, you know how in The Cold Planet
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260. Fliggsnare announces
the three rules of the galactic quest?
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261. Well, I hope I wasn't so...
I hope I wasn't so arseholed last night
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262. as to forget that.
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263. It says that any voyager who breaks a rule, yes,
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264. will be disqualified from the quest
and re-colonised to the Quiet Zone.
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265. - True.
- Yes, well, in Return of the Suk People,
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266. Fringo breaks the second rule
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267. by communicating with an empath
from the Stained Quadrant.
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268. Yet he's never disqualified, is he?
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269. That's exceptionally true, as a matter of fact.
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270. I wonder if it might be worth writing to
Jim Willis and pointing out that inconsistency?
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271. Well, I fully intend so to do.
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272. Oh. Anyway, in answer to your question...
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273. - Steffi Graf.
- And I don't know.
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274. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
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275. This next song is a big hit for I in France.
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276. But now I make the change with it
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277. for the English speak.
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278. They've got a bigger table than we have.
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279. Come on, Stuart. This is fine.
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280. No. Look, there are two of them.
They've got a bigger table.
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281. There are four of us, look at this.
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282. - Oh, Stuart, for heaven's sake, a table's a table.
- Darling.
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283. No, well, Jill, there we differ, you and I.
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284. To me there are tables and there are tables.
Am I right, Gordon?
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285. Well, you know me, Stuart. Table is as table does.
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286. At least it's snug, poppet.
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287. What it is, poppet, is cramped.
You should have used my name when you booked.
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288. I did.
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289. What, Mr Poppet?
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290. Oh.
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291. - Good evening, sir.
- Good evening.
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292. Table for bomb, please.
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293. Excuse me?
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294. Yes. Table for one. For one. I was...
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295. Sorry. Bit nervous. I've never...
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296. never actually eaten.
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297. I mean, before.
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298. Oh, well, you have chosen
the perfect place to start.
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299. Have I?
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300. Follow me, please.
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301. - So, what did we think of the show?
- Loved it. Thought it was really nice.
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302. Me, too. High quality entertainment.
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303. Yeah, well, I'm going to come
right out and say it's a, you know,
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304. that to me, Jeffrey Archer is the finest playwright
this country has turned out
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305. since... since William Shakespeare.
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306. That's a hell of a statement, Stu.
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307. Well, I'm going to go one further, Gordon.
To me, Jeffrey Archer delivers.
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308. Oh, the guy can write, no question.
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309. Delivers, does he?
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310. - I beg your pardon, Jill?
- Come on, darling. You know what he means.
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311. No, it's all right. Thank you, Gordon.
I can fight my own battles.
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312. What he delivers, Jill,
to my mind, is quality drama.
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313. Okay, it's a little dangerous.
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314. Okay, it's not something that your average
joe punter is going to find all that accessible,
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315. but in the market he's working to, he delivers,
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316. and Gordon will tell you that
that's a compliment I use very sparingly indeed.
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317. It's true actually, Jill. It's true.
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318. Stuart is not the kind of man
to bandy the word "deliver" around the place.
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319. - Yeah, well. Thank you, Gordon.
- I thought the sets were marvellous.
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320. They were really clever. Weren't they, poppet?
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321. Yeah, and the costumes, they were fantastic.
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322. Sorry, they were wearing suits, weren't they?
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323. Well, this is where Jeffrey Archer
is so strongly seen, in his observation.
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324. He's observed that in an office
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325. a large number of people wear suits.
Isn't that right, Gordon?
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326. - Absolutely, Stu.
- Yeah, well, you see, he's observed that, you see?
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327. I mean, the guy's got an eye for detail, like...
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328. Well, there's no one like him in my book.
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329. To be fair to myself, Stu,
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330. I had observed
that people in offices wear suits, too.
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331. No, no. No, you hadn't, Gordon.
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332. You see, you can only say that
after you've seen the play.
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333. If I'd asked you before the play,
you know, what people wear in offices,
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334. you wouldn't have had a clue.
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335. I think I would have said suits.
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336. - No, you wouldn't, Gordon.
- I think I would.
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337. - No, you wouldn't!
- I would. I would!
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338. Hold up. Now, wait a minute.
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339. Look, that bloke came in after us
and they're taking his order.
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340. What would you like, sir?
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341. Crikey, yes.
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342. Is something the matter, sir?
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343. Well, how many lavatories have you got here?
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344. Just one, sir. Over there.
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345. Yes, yes, I've tried that one.
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346. It's no good. No bloody good!
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347. You see, the cistern, it's too close to the wall.
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348. You can't get anything
between the cistern and the wall.
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349. Oh, hell!
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350. Are you ready to order, sir?
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351. Order, yes. Well, to be perfectly honest,
I'm not awfully hungry.
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352. Well, may I recommend the salad?
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353. Perhaps a smoked chicken salad?
It makes a perfect light meal.
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354. Yes, well, yes, that sounds awfully good.
Awfully good.
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355. Tell you what, though, instead of that
I think I'll just have a glass of water.
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356. Just a glass of water, sir?
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357. Oh, Lord, no! No, make it a bottle!
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358. No. Tell you what, half a dozen bottles. Hmm?
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359. I mean, you only live once, don't you?
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360. Very good, sir.
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361. Oh, hell.
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362. Good evening, sir.
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363. Good evening.
I'd like to order some soup to start and...
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364. Wait a minute.
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365. - What?
- Good Lord.
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366. You're Keith Bennett, aren't you?
The government minister?
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367. - Well, as a matter of fact I am, yes.
- I thought so! I knew it!
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368. Oh, Mr Bennett, this is wonderful.
I have to say, I'm a great admirer
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369. - of you and your policies.
- Really?
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370. Oh, for definite.
Can I recommend the halibut, by the way?
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371. - It comes in a nice black butter sauce.
- Thank you.
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372. Yeah, 'cause you steered that broadcasting bill
through the House of Commons, didn't you?
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373. - Yes, I did, indeed.
- Brilliant, quite brilliant.
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374. Well, I must say, this is really most gratifying.
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375. So, you really do admire my policies?
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376. Yeah, what, most people don't like you, then?
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377. No, no, no, it's just that...
Well, you know what it is.
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378. We aren't always the most
popular of people, we politicians.
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379. Yeah, yeah. You must get used to people
calling you a complete dickhead, I suppose.
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380. No, not exactly.
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381. Oh, that speech you made
about de-regularising broadcasting.
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382. I cheered for you that night, Mr Bennett.
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383. "We must strive to offer the consumer
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384. "a far greater range of choice.
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385. "For too long broadcasting has been
in the grip of a small elite.
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386. "We must expand and offer more choice!"
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387. Good heavens.
You've remembered it word for word.
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388. Well, it was masterly stuff, Mr Bennett. I mean...
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389. - Oh, my God.
- What?
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390. - Your cutlery.
- What's wrong?
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391. A silver knife and fork. I can't believe it.
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392. These are rather nice. They're not dirty, are they?
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393. Oh, my...
That this should happen to you of all people.
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394. - I am so sorry. I'll be right back.
- They were fine.
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395. Of course.
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396. Moulinex.
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397. - What?
- All the way through,
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398. I was trying to think
where I'd seen that actress before.
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399. - She's the one in the Moulinex advert.
- Oh, that's right.
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400. - Yes, the one about the blender.
- That's it.
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401. What, the wife?
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402. Sorry?
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403. The actress who played the wife
is in some sort of advert
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404. at the moment, is she?
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405. Hello? Laura, wake up!
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406. The actress in the play who was playing the wife
that we just saw tonight,
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407. you're saying she's in an advert at the moment?
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408. - The wife?
- Yes.
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409. Actually, Stuart, she was playing his daughter.
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410. Hold on. I'm probably getting her
confused with someone. Wait a minute.
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411. There was only one woman in the play, Stuart.
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412. And she was his daughter, poppet.
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413. That was sort of the idea
of the entire evening, Stu.
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414. Yeah, daughter.
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415. - What did I say?
- You said wife.
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416. - Did I?
- Three times.
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417. This table is definitely smaller, you know.
I mean, all those other ones...
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418. Gor blimey!
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419. Look, that man over there.
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420. He's in the government, isn't he?
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421. - Isn't he a cabinet minister or something?
- It's Keith Bennett.
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422. Got it! Roy Hattersley, you're quite right, Gordon.
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423. I do apologise.
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424. Apologise for what? The fork and knife were fine.
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425. Oh, it's very kind of you, sir,
but I absolutely insist.
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426. What... What...
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427. - What's this?
- Your cutlery, sir.
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428. Cutlery? But these are plastic coffee stirrers.
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429. Yes, I know. But at least
you've got the choice now, haven't you?
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430. I mean, they may be complete crap,
but at least you've got the choice, haven't you?
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431. And that's so important, isn't it? To have a choice!
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432. You mad, disgusting bastard!
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433. What are you doing to our television system?
What are you doing to our country?
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434. I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
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435. That politician man's being strangled by a waiter.
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436. God, I hate you! I'm gonna kill you, you bastard!
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437. At least he's got a decent sized table.
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438. Anyway, to return to the play,
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439. I have to say that
although the acting was really good...
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440. - Marvellous acting.
- Yeah.
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441. I do think the play would have been benefited
from having a Paul Eddington in it.
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442. - A Paul Eddington?
- Well, ideally the Paul Eddington.
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443. Isn't he wonderful?
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444. Yeah, well, you see the thing
about Paul Eddington, of course, is his timing.
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445. - His timing is just so...
- Well, it's the timing of a master.
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446. A friend of mine's sister
married Paul Eddington's doctor.
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447. - You never told me that, Gordon.
- Well, you know, one doesn't like to boast.
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448. Though, apparently...
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449. apparently, it's well known
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450. that Paul Eddington has
the second best timing in the business
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451. after Nigel Havers.
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452. What is timing, exactly?
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453. Well, timing, it's...
It's a bit difficult to explain to a woman, Jill,
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454. but timing is basically
the magic ingredient that Paul Eddington's got.
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455. Well, what is it?
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456. Yes, I'd like to know that, too, I must say.
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457. I know your doctor's brother-in-law.
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458. How nice.
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459. Yes, well, we were just explaining to our wives
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460. that, well, you've got amongst
the best timing in show business.
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461. Ah, well. After Nigel Havers.
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462. Yes. Come on, level with us, Paul,
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463. would you class your timing as good,
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464. very good, extremely good, or immaculate?
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465. Well...
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466. Hello, look, excuse me, everyone.
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467. Sorry to bother you and all that sort of filth.
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468. But... Oh, nearly forgot. Long live freedom.
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469. No, the thing is, there's a bomb.
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470. Yeah, I know. Rotten, isn't it?
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471. No, the thing is, it is about to go off, so...
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472. I don't know, you might like to leave.
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473. - That's right. This way. Yes.
- Yes, yes.
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474. This way. This way. This way, please.
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475. Oh, crikey, my bill.
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476. You know, I think they like me.
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477. Now, ladies and gentlemen, now that...
Ah, now, yes.
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478. I wonder if you recognise that
from Where Eagles Dare.
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479. There's a scene in Where Eagles Dare where, ha,
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480. where Richard Burton
is pretending to be a German agent.
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481. When, in actual fact, what he's doing is,
he's trying to find out
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482. the names of all the German agents
working in England.
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483. And the funny thing is,
you see, that happened to me the other day.
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484. - It did?
- Yes, it did. Yes.
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485. It's funny 'cause things from films
are always happening to me. There was...
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486. Do you know the scene in WarGames
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487. where the scientist calls the Air Force general
a pig-eyed sack of shit?
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488. That happened to me.
Someone called me that the other day.
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489. And Fatal Attraction.
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490. I almost sued when that came out.
I mean, that could have been made about me!
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491. It's incredible.
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492. You were persecuted
by a one-night stand, were you?
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493. No, no, no. Don't be silly. No.
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494. I went to bed with Glenn Close, though.
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495. - That's ridiculous.
- Yes, it is ridiculous, yes.
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496. Went to bed with Michael Douglas.
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497. - You went to bed with Michael Douglas?
- Well, in a sense.
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498. In what sense?
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499. Completely made-up, untrue sense.
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500. Yes. Well, I've been to bed
with Michael Douglas in that sense.
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501. - Really?
- Well, nibbled his toes.
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502. What was it like?
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503. - Great. He was very sensitive and caring.
- Really?
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504. But I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen,
a really true thing
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505. that actually did happen to me,
and this is rather interesting.
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506. I was sprawled in bed
with Kathleen Turner and David Vine,
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507. when suddenly,
the most remarkable thing happened...
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508. Immaculate, I'd say.
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