1. Okay, stand by, everybody. Tangos One
and Two have now entered the Arrivals Hall.Copy !req
2. Which has the case, please? AGENT
1: Tango One has the case at this stage.Copy !req
3. Right, hold on
Tango One, then, please.Copy !req
4. Oh, there's been a changeover.
Tango One has passed the case to Tango Two.Copy !req
5. And Tango Two doesn't
want it, he's given it back.Copy !req
6. What? Are you
sure that is Tango Two?Copy !req
7. Well, I thought it was Tango Two.
Whoever he is, he didn't...Copy !req
8. Oh, no, it's Tango Two all right.
He just doesn't want the case.Copy !req
9. Well, neither of them wants the case now.Copy !req
10. Well, who has the case?
Tango One.Copy !req
11. Well, they're looking around now.Copy !req
12. I think they may...Copy !req
13. They may just be beginning to get
a little bit suspicious now.Copy !req
14. I think they may have sensed the camera.Copy !req
15. Have they rumbled our position?
I think they've rumbled our position.Copy !req
16. Well, pull out, pull out.
All units, trouser, trouser, trouser.Copy !req
17. All units, trouser,
trouser, trouser. Pull out.Copy !req
18. Anyway, the hire car was absolutely ready and
waiting when we arrived at Heraklion airport.Copy !req
19. We'd done a deal with Hertz, through Amex,Copy !req
20. which meant we were able to upgrade the category
without paying the extra price differential.Copy !req
21. This is one of the Hertz
girl, Tonya, with the car.Copy !req
22. It's a Renault Mountaineer,
specially designed for the Cretan terrain.Copy !req
23. Handles beautifully,
we were very pleased with the color.Copy !req
24. Were you, by crikey.Copy !req
25. Anyway, I'd studied the map of the roads from
Heraklion while having lunch on the plane.Copy !req
26. - Did I tell you about lunch on the plane?
- In some detail, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
27. Oh, look, here's another
one of the lunch tray.Copy !req
28. I don't know how that got in there,
must have muddled up the order somehow.Copy !req
29. I've been sucked into
the deepest pit of hell.Copy !req
30. Oh, look. And here's one of
the Renault's instrument panel.Copy !req
31. Uniquely fascinating.Copy !req
32. That's the left-hand control stalk
with main beam, wipe wash and hooter on it.Copy !req
33. Oh, that's interesting!Copy !req
34. And here's one of the right-hand
control stalk with indicators and so forth.Copy !req
35. Oh, I think this is gonna
give me an erection.Copy !req
36. Anyway, so we skirted round Souda Bay
via Thalakos.Copy !req
37. I discovered this marvelous little
off-the-beaten-track taverna.Copy !req
38. It really was so authentic.
Everyone there spoke...Copy !req
39. - Really, you should have been there.
- Oh, no. I shouldn't.Copy !req
40. No, I shouldn't have been there. No.Copy !req
41. - This is one of me pointing at my moussaka.
- Oh, wait a second, isn't that a revolting sight?Copy !req
42. And this is one of me on the toilet
half an hour later.Copy !req
43. I used a self-timer for that oneCopy !req
44. because the whole new Minolta range
have got self-timers.Copy !req
45. Self-timers? Oh, well,
then I must leave at once.Copy !req
46. I discovered this
marvelous little man in HadiaCopy !req
47. who developed film the
traditional Cretan way.Copy !req
48. Nikos his name was, or Costas.
Could have been Andreas.Copy !req
49. Oh, but I must find out. Which?
Which was his name?Copy !req
50. - This is him on the toilet.
- Go away!Copy !req
51. Right. Well, you touch my daughter again
and it'll be a slide show. You understand?Copy !req
52. - Hello. Both just got time to tell you...
- Just.Copy !req
53. Just got time, yes. We both, well, we both
used to have problems around here, didn't we?Copy !req
54. - Just around the eye area.
- Certainly did.Copy !req
55. - Just there.
- And this area as well.Copy !req
56. - Here and round there.
- That's right. It was awful.Copy !req
57. Our eyes just kept coming out, didn't they?Copy !req
58. - Couldn't keep them in. It was horrible.
- Ghastly. Now, thankfully, it's all cleared up.Copy !req
59. - It's stopped happening, hasn't it?
- Effectively, yes.Copy !req
60. Yes, yes, they don't fall out anymore
and we're pleased about that, aren't we?Copy !req
61. - Delighted. Yes.
- Hmm.Copy !req
62. - Officer!
- Good morning, sir. Would you like to take a seat?Copy !req
63. - Is there a queue?
- Well, you may be more comfortable that way.Copy !req
64. No. I'm all right standing up, thanks.Copy !req
65. My name's Oliver, by the way.
Excited to know you.Copy !req
66. - Oh, Peter Franks.
- Hi, Peter. Peter, listen would you like a coffee?Copy !req
67. Filter, espresso, cappuccino.
We offer decaf on all of those.Copy !req
68. Well, that's very kind. Do you have a tea?Copy !req
69. Tea... I don't think so, Peter. I'll just
check that for you. Hello, Mabel, my love.Copy !req
70. It's Oliver here. Listen, my
darling, do we carry a tea machine?Copy !req
71. - Sorry, dear.
- Yes, I thought not. Many thanks, pet.Copy !req
72. - Sorry, Peter, no tea.
- Oh, doesn't matter. Don't worry.Copy !req
73. - So, how may we help you?
- Well, this is a police station, isn't it?Copy !req
74. - Well, of course it is, Peter. Yes.
- Yes. 'Cause I tried to ring you earlierCopy !req
75. but you must have changed your number,
all I got was music playing in my ear.Copy !req
76. The thing is, my car's been stolen.Copy !req
77. - Your car's been stolen?
- Yes.Copy !req
78. Oh, Peter, I am sorry to hear that.Copy !req
79. Aw. And you'd like us
to do something about it?Copy !req
80. Well, yes, please.Copy !req
81. Okay, well, have you had a look at our
brochure, Peter? If you'll pardon the pun.Copy !req
82. What pun?Copy !req
83. Wasn't there one? Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, Peter, if you'd like to come with me,Copy !req
84. we'll go through it together.
Would you like to take a seat?Copy !req
85. Now, Peter, we offer basically
three kinds of stolen car recovery service.Copy !req
86. That's the super, the
lovely and the gorgeous.Copy !req
87. Now, the super is a basic
non-priority listing of your car.Copy !req
88. The lovely is higher priority,
and the gorgeous is A1 top priority.Copy !req
89. We put all our team onto it, field and creative.
And that also includes a full waxing and valetingCopy !req
90. - of your car on recovery.
- I see.Copy !req
91. Obviously, Peter,
the gorgeous is a more expensive service.Copy !req
92. - I beg your pardon?
- Do you have an account with us?Copy !req
93. - Account? No.
- Oh, you're a shareholder, perhaps?Copy !req
94. - Well, I'm a citizen, if that's what you mean.
- Citizen. Oh, you mean client?Copy !req
95. Look, I don't want to sound stupid, but I get
back to England, I find my car's been stolen...Copy !req
96. Peter, you've been away? Did you perhaps
miss the privatization of the police force?Copy !req
97. - The what?
- This is now a branch office of Brit Law PLC.Copy !req
98. - Would you like to fill out a form?
- Fill out a form? Fill out a form?Copy !req
99. You mean fill in a form.
Has everyone suddenly turned American?Copy !req
100. Now, Peter I shall need your address,
I shall need your place and date of birth,Copy !req
101. your car registration number, and we should be
able to have an account verified within 14 days.Copy !req
102. - Subject to status.
- This is insanity. I'm a taxpayer.Copy !req
103. Peter, everybody had a chance to buy shares
at the time of issue.Copy !req
104. It was all supervised by a reputable merchant
bank. Well, by a merchant bank anyway.Copy !req
105. - This is madness. I'm leaving.
- No, Peter. Not that way. Not that way, Peter.Copy !req
106. - What?
- That's the High Street.Copy !req
107. - Yes?
- The High Street is owned by UK Highroads PLC.Copy !req
108. We're employed by them
to make sure that only thoseCopy !req
109. with valid roadway passes use the street.Copy !req
110. But that's the Queen's highway
for goodness sake, surely I can use that.Copy !req
111. Queen's...? Oh, you have shares in the Royal
Family PLC. That would be quite sufficient.Copy !req
112. Shares in the... No, of course I haven't.Copy !req
113. Well, Peter, I'm afraid I must ask you
to come with me to the restraining bar.Copy !req
114. Now, if you'd just like to put your hands
on the detention knob.Copy !req
115. - But I haven't done anything.
- Not the gold member cuffs for you.Copy !req
116. I'm afraid we'll have to use the bronze,
Master Peter.Copy !req
117. - No, no. Absolutely... no. No, I refuse. No.
- Now, Peter. Peter.Copy !req
118. - Peter?
- What?Copy !req
119. Well, you haven't changed that much, then.Copy !req
120. Welcome to Argue the Toss.
My tosser this week is Simon Clituris.Copy !req
121. Simon Clituris, you saw that sketch.
What did you think?Copy !req
122. - Well, I thought the sketch worked on two levels.
- Only two?Copy !req
123. Ah. Yes, you're right. I'm being simplistic.
I thought it worked on nine levels.Copy !req
124. - I thought I spotted 12.
- Yes, yes. Well, yes, 12 if you include the...Copy !req
125. But, for heaven's sake,
let's be condescending about this.Copy !req
126. - Absolutely.
- I thought it worked, on the one hand,Copy !req
127. as a simple satire on modern Britain.Copy !req
128. And on the other hand, as a
metaphor for the problem of redemption.Copy !req
129. - What about the underlying theme?
- Ah. Which one?Copy !req
130. Well, the underlying theme of a man
desperately trying to recover his stolen car.Copy !req
131. Well, that I thought was the least successful of
all the underlying themes. It didn't work for me.Copy !req
132. - That's where the sketch really just disappeared.
- Simply vanished?Copy !req
133. - Completely vanished.
- I see. And the main characters?Copy !req
134. Well, I felt I didn't know enough about
them. I was reminded of those occasionsCopy !req
135. when one is asked to sleep with someone
one doesn't know particularly well.Copy !req
136. Consequently, I was nervous and
the whole thing was a disappointment.Copy !req
137. - In a word.
- Brilliant.Copy !req
138. Simon Clituris, thank you very much.Copy !req
139. Welcome to Up the Arts. Martin
Utrecht, you saw those critics there.Copy !req
140. - Were you impressed by what they had to say?
- Let me say that it seems to meCopy !req
141. that what they were trying to achieve
was essentially two-fold.Copy !req
142. I don't think it would be quite fair to
judge them on that small extract we just saw.Copy !req
143. Good. So what was your judgment
of the small extract we just saw?Copy !req
144. Well, it seems to me that they were trying to
assess a comedy sketch, a humoresque routine...Copy !req
145. Did that work for you? For me, there
was something about their criticismCopy !req
146. that was, I don't know,
what's the word? Sterile?Copy !req
147. I was going to say fertile. Hardly different.
No, I have to say it didn't work for me, no.Copy !req
148. I think, on the one hand,
they were trying to encompass too much.Copy !req
149. They were overambitious.Copy !req
150. I was going to say overcautious. Yes.
Hardly different.Copy !req
151. And, on the other hand, they were trying to
present themselves as viable human beingsCopy !req
152. - attempting to make sense of their... of their, um...
- Environment?Copy !req
153. I was going to say
trousers. Hardly different.Copy !req
154. Trousers, environment. Environment,
trousers. It's a kind of square.Copy !req
155. I was gonna say circle. Much the
same thing. And on the other hand...Copy !req
156. Ah, you've got three hands.Copy !req
157. - I've got three hands...
- They, of course, were doing a two-hander.Copy !req
158. Would they have benefited from an extra
hand? Would that have come in... useful?Copy !req
159. I feel with an extra hand,
they might just have got away with it.Copy !req
160. Did you enjoy their criticism?Copy !req
161. Oh, I loved it. I wanted to go to bed with it
and kiss it in many soft, private, little places.Copy !req
162. - So their future as critics, bulbous, would you say?
- Yes, perineal. The exact word.Copy !req
163. - So we're agreed?
- Of course not.Copy !req
164. Hello, welcome to Oh, No, Not Another One.Copy !req
165. Of all the deodorants,
this is the one that I enjoy using most.Copy !req
166. It feels real nice going
on and it smells goodCopy !req
167. and keeps me dry all day.Copy !req
168. I don't have to worry about it cutting out
in clutch moments.Copy !req
169. All of the other ones are just...Copy !req
170. I don't know. They just never seem
to hold up under pressure for me.Copy !req
171. I can put this on once during the dayCopy !req
172. and for the rest of the
day I'm fine, I'm all set up.Copy !req
173. I don't have to worry about, you know,
social nervousness or anything.Copy !req
174. It's just... It keeps me feeling
good and fresh and I love the smell.Copy !req
175. I don't think there's any deodorant
that comes close to this one.Copy !req
176. I think it was Donald Mainstock,
the great amateur squash player,Copy !req
177. who pointed out how lovely I was.Copy !req
178. Until that time, I think it was safe to sayCopy !req
179. that I had never really been aware
of my own timeless brand of loveliness.Copy !req
180. But his words smote me
because, of course you see,Copy !req
181. I am lovely in a fluffy moist kind of a way
and who would have it otherwise?Copy !req
182. I walk, let's be splendid about this,Copy !req
183. in a lightly accented cloud of gorgeousness that
isn't far short of being, quite simply, terrific.Copy !req
184. The secret of smooth almost shiny loveliness
of the order of which we're discussingCopy !req
185. in this simple, frank, creamy soft wayCopy !req
186. doesn't reside in oils, unguents, balms, ointments,
creams, astringents, milks, moisturizers,Copy !req
187. liniments, lubricants, embrocations or balsams,
to be rather divine for just one noble moment.Copy !req
188. It resides, and I mean this in a pink, slightly
special way, in one's attitude of mind.Copy !req
189. To be gorgeous and high and true and fine
and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely,Copy !req
190. all you have to do is to believe that one is
gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffyCopy !req
191. and moist and sticky and lovely.Copy !req
192. And I believe it of myself, tremulously at
first, and then with mounting heat and passionCopy !req
193. because, stopping off for a second to be
super again, I'm so often told it.Copy !req
194. That's the secret really.Copy !req
195. Waiter.Copy !req
196. - Sir?
- There's something wrong with my soup.Copy !req
197. Oh, I wouldn't say that, sir.
It looks very smart to me.Copy !req
198. What?Copy !req
199. Nice pinstripe.Copy !req
200. No, no. No, my soup.
There's something wrong with my soup.Copy !req
201. Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I
thought you said suit.Copy !req
202. It, um, tastes... odd, somehow.Copy !req
203. - What does?
- My soup.Copy !req
204. - Does it?
- Hmm.Copy !req
205. - May I, sir?
- Please do.Copy !req
206. Thank you.Copy !req
207. - Seems all right to me.
- No. No, my soup. My soup tastes odd.Copy !req
208. - Oh, your soup!
- Yes.Copy !req
209. - Oh, dear!
- Taste it.Copy !req
210. I just have, sir.Copy !req
211. Not my suit. I want you to try my soup.Copy !req
212. Oh, I'd rather not if you don't mind, sir.Copy !req
213. - Why not?
- Probably too long in the arms.Copy !req
214. No, no, no. What's the matter with you?Copy !req
215. I'm talking about my soup.Copy !req
216. S-O-U-P.Copy !req
217. - Oh, your soup!
- Yes!Copy !req
218. - Is there something wrong with it, sir?
- Well, I've told you. It tastes odd.Copy !req
219. - Well, may I, sir?
- Please.Copy !req
220. Thank you so much.Copy !req
221. - Ah, yes.
- "Ah, yes" what?Copy !req
222. It's the cyanide, sir.Copy !req
223. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
224. Chef does occasionally, in my opinion, tend
to overstress the cyanide in his pottage.Copy !req
225. Are you telling me that the
chef has put cyanide in the soup?Copy !req
226. No, sir, he's put cyanide in the soup.Copy !req
227. - That's what I said.
- Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I thought you said suit.Copy !req
228. This is outrageous!Copy !req
229. Would you like me to bring you some soup
without cyanide in it, sir?Copy !req
230. - Yeah. No, I mean...
- Or perhaps something else from the menu?Copy !req
231. Well, why?
Why has the chef put cyanide in the soup?Copy !req
232. He has a club foot, sir.Copy !req
233. - What?
- The chef has a club foot.Copy !req
234. Well, I've got a bent nose but I don't go
around massacring perfectly innocent diners.Copy !req
235. - There's no cyanide in the mozzarella salad, sir.
- Oh, yippee.Copy !req
236. Just a hint of strychnine
but not so as you'd notice.Copy !req
237. Oh, this is absurd.Copy !req
238. You're right. It is completely ridiculous.Copy !req
239. Well, would you like to be a comedy writer?Copy !req
240. What's happened is that we've deliberately
left this sketch without a tagging punch line.Copy !req
241. Or ending, as we call it in the trade.Copy !req
242. That's right. Now,
that's where you come in.Copy !req
243. The lines are now open for you to phone in
your payoff to this hilarious skitlet.Copy !req
244. But just as an added difficulty, we're not actually
going to give you the telephone number to ring.Copy !req
245. No, that's right.
You have to use your skill and judgmentCopy !req
246. to think up a witty, apt and amusing
telephone number of your own.Copy !req
247. And if British Telecom think it's funny enough,
they'll put you through to our switchboard here.Copy !req
248. Hello.Copy !req
249. And we have a clear winner straightaway.
Mr. JD Ward of Basildon.Copy !req
250. Well, well done, JD Ward.Copy !req
251. If you'll be so kind as to let us know
your chest size,Copy !req
252. we'll send you a A Bit of Fry & Laurie
checkbook and pen straightaway.Copy !req
253. - Well, let's go back to where we were, then.
- Right.Copy !req
254. Oh, this is absurd.Copy !req
255. You're right. It is completely ridiculous.Copy !req
256. The brown soup has no cyanide in it
whatsoever, sir.Copy !req
257. - The brown soup?
- That's right, sir.Copy !req
258. No toxics, radioactive particles
or microbes of any description?Copy !req
259. Not a drop, sir.Copy !req
260. - I'll have some of that, then.
- Right you are, sir.Copy !req
261. Honestly.Copy !req
262. Nice one, JD.Copy !req
263. Now, ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
264. Mr. Hugh Laurie has kindly agreed to embarrass
us all with a song of his own composingCopy !req
265. entitled, quite simply, Mystery.Copy !req
266. Mr. Hugh Laurie. Mystery.Copy !req
267. Mr. Marsh?Copy !req
268. Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
269. Would you like me to take your bags
up to your executive suite, Mr. Marsh?Copy !req
270. Oh, no, thanks very much.
I'm gonna be checking out in the morning...Copy !req
271. Gordon Inglis, as I live and close a sale,
you crazy old buffalo.Copy !req
272. - What the hell are you doing here?
- Oh, Stuart Marsh,Copy !req
273. you turbo-charged son of a mass retailer.
How are you?Copy !req
274. Well, I'm hanging pretty tough, Gordon.
Hanging pretty tough.Copy !req
275. What about yourself?
Things not going so well, eh?Copy !req
276. Oh, no. I'm strictly moving to
the rhythm, Stu. Why do you ask?Copy !req
277. Why do I ask? Well, Gordon, really.
I mean, being a porter in a hotel,Copy !req
278. it's hardly the big time, is it?Copy !req
279. No... Stuart, that was a joke.Copy !req
280. Oh, well, then! Blimey, that's nice.
I like that very much. Yeah, very good.Copy !req
281. So tell me, you old roister-doister,
what the hell are you doing in Telford?Copy !req
282. The last I heard you were based
out of Peterborough.Copy !req
283. Yeah, I did a spell in Peterborough, Gordon.
It's part of a big new management shake-up,Copy !req
284. but right now I'm fixing up
to meet with old Derek Clark.Copy !req
285. Derek "the Fiddler" Clark?Copy !req
286. The man's a legend.Copy !req
287. So tell me, you're gonna be working
under Derek Clark now, is that it?Copy !req
288. Well, not so much under, Gordon,
more kind of alongside.Copy !req
289. I'm gonna be a sort of flexible,
highly-resourced, independently-targeted,Copy !req
290. free-range trouble-shooter, if you like.Copy !req
291. Free-range? Sounds challenging.Copy !req
292. Anyway, he and I are supposed to be having
a working breakfast together.Copy !req
293. I'd ask you to join us,
Gordon, but, you know...Copy !req
294. Oh, no Sweatsville, Idaho, Stu.Copy !req
295. So tell me, do they do
a good working breakfast here?Copy !req
296. I don't believe I've ever actually
working-breakfasted at this hotel before.Copy !req
297. They only do the best working breakfast
in the state of Telford, Gordon.Copy !req
298. Waiter.Copy !req
299. Gordon, you'll take some coffee, surely.Copy !req
300. Well, I don't know. How
does the coffee perform?Copy !req
301. Oh, the coffee performs okay, Gordon.
Don't you worry about that.Copy !req
302. Waiter, pot of coffee for two.Copy !req
303. Make sure it's hot, strong
and in a pot. Okay? For two.Copy !req
304. If you see Mr. Clark, tell him I'm in the
executive breakfast lounge, will you?Copy !req
305. How will I know Mr. Clark, sir?Copy !req
306. I beg your pardon.Copy !req
307. How will I recognize Mr. Clark?Copy !req
308. Are you trying to be funny?Copy !req
309. Derek Clark, he's... You know,
his lapel badge. He's with Unitec.Copy !req
310. - Lapel badge!
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
311. And he's to meet you
in the breakfast lounge.Copy !req
312. In the executive breakfast lounge.Copy !req
313. - There's only one breakfast lounge, sir.
- Yes, and it's the executive breakfast lounge!Copy !req
314. Right. I'll tell him, sir.Copy !req
315. Hey, sonny.Copy !req
316. Come here.Copy !req
317. If you've got any thoughts about making it
in the hotel business,Copy !req
318. then you better just watch your lip, okay?
That's all.Copy !req
319. - I'm sorry...
- That's all. Thank you.Copy !req
320. That's all. Thank you very much, waiter!
That is all.Copy !req
321. The kid's just green, Stu.Copy !req
322. Oh, Gordon, when you and I were green...Copy !req
323. we didn't go around giving lip
to busy senior executives.Copy !req
324. No, we used to give them a bit of tongue
from time to time.Copy !req
325. - So, looks like Derek Clark stood you up.
- No, it's all right.Copy !req
326. He rang down and said he was having a bit of
trouble with the trouser press in his room.Copy !req
327. It's an executive trouser press, you see.Copy !req
328. Derek tried to put an ordinary leisure trouser on
it and, not surprisingly, the machine wouldn't play.Copy !req
329. - What a son of a bitch.
- Yeah.Copy !req
330. So what about yourself, Gordon. What's
keeping you off the streets these days?Copy !req
331. Well, actually, I've gone into business
for myself, Stuart.Copy !req
332. Yeah? I hope you're taking good advice.Copy !req
333. The very best. I've got hold
of a new kind of bank account.Copy !req
334. It's called... Smug.Copy !req
335. I wish you the very best of luck, Gordon.Copy !req
336. I really do, because you and I, hey,
we go all the way back.Copy !req
337. Oh, right the way back
to the end zone, Stu.Copy !req
338. You know what they used to call us
back in Reading?Copy !req
339. - What was that?
- The wild dogs of retailing.Copy !req
340. - Wild dogs.
- Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
341. You and I, we broke a few
molds in our time, eh, Gordon?Copy !req
342. - Yeah, and a few eggs.
- Yeah.Copy !req
343. - Eggs?
- You can't make an omelet...Copy !req
344. - Yes, I can.
- No, you can't.Copy !req
345. - Yes, I can.
- Not without breaking eggs.Copy !req
346. So what if I can't, Gordon?Copy !req
347. I mean, I'm a busy man.
My talents lie in other directions.Copy !req
348. No, no. I mean, you can't make an omelet
without breaking eggs.Copy !req
349. What is this, Cookery Corner?
I don't need this, Gordon, all right?Copy !req
350. I'm about to have a working breakfast with the
toughest divisional sales manager since MosesCopy !req
351. and all of a sudden you're giving me a list
of all the things I can't do!Copy !req
352. Thanks for the support, partner.Copy !req
353. - No, Stu, I only meant...
- What am I supposed to say?Copy !req
354. "Derek, I'm not right for this job, choose
someone else. I can't make an omelet."Copy !req
355. - No, you can, Stu. But not without...
- It's delegation, Gordon. I don't have the time.Copy !req
356. I want an omelet, I go to an omelet-maker.
Does that make me a failure?Copy !req
357. All right, I'm a failure. I can't make
an omelet without breaking eggs.Copy !req
358. Well, no one can, Stu. That's the point.
It's impossible.Copy !req
359. - What do you mean, it's impossible?
- It can't be done.Copy !req
360. What do you think I've been eating all
these years? I had an omelet last night.Copy !req
361. Yeah, but they broke the eggs.Copy !req
362. I hardly think they'd use broken eggs
in executive room service, Gordon.Copy !req
363. Do you know what I'd like to know?Copy !req
364. - Have you told me before?
- No.Copy !req
365. Then how can I possibly?Copy !req
366. I'd like to know why, oh, why, oh, whyCopy !req
367. the word gay has been so ruthlessly
hijacked from our beloved English language.Copy !req
368. I agree with your question 100%.Copy !req
369. - Gay used to be such a lovely word.
- A lovely word.Copy !req
370. Yes. You can't use it anymore.
It's been taken away from us.Copy !req
371. That's right.
No longer can ordinary people, such as we,Copy !req
372. use an ordinary word, like gay, in an ordinary
example of the great British sentence.Copy !req
373. Without people thinking that
you mean poofy. It's a disgrace.Copy !req
374. Damn shame.Copy !req
375. And there's another one, you see? Poofy.
You can't say that anymore.Copy !req
376. - Of course you can't.
- Used to.Copy !req
377. - All the time.
- Yes, but now...Copy !req
378. - Now.
- ... people think you mean ass bandit.Copy !req
379. Ass bandit. There you go again, you see?Copy !req
380. - Well, of course you do.
- You know, ass bandit.Copy !req
381. - Perfectly decent couple of words.
- That's right.Copy !req
382. - Used to use them every day.
- So did I.Copy !req
383. "Would you care to have a go on the ass
bandit?" One used to ask, quite innocently.Copy !req
384. Yes. Yes, or, "Back in a moment, darling. I'm
just taking the ass bandit to the menders."Copy !req
385. Yeah.Copy !req
386. - But now, of course...
- Nowadays.Copy !req
387. - ... people think you mean homosexual.
- Right.Copy !req
388. - And there's another one.
- Yeah.Copy !req
389. When was the last time you could use
the word homosexual in its proper context?Copy !req
390. - Right, and it's such a lovely word.
- Oh, it's one of the great words.Copy !req
391. "My word, Jane," I used to say to my wife, "the
garden's looking very homosexual this morning."Copy !req
392. Quite right. Quite right. Lovely word.Copy !req
393. One of the great words. Always were.Copy !req
394. "Landlord, I'll have two foaming pints
of your most homosexual beer, thank you."Copy !req
395. "Oh, and a packet of ass bandits as well."Copy !req
396. Right. Yes. Yes. Yes.
"And keep the change."Copy !req
397. - Right.
- Yes.Copy !req
398. - But now...
- Nowadays.Copy !req
399. - People just laugh at you.
- That's right.Copy !req
400. Oh, well, I'm off to the dry-cleaner's
to pick up a couple of screaming benders.Copy !req
401. - Are you coming?
- I don't see why not.Copy !req
402. Then we can get them home
and go to bed with them.Copy !req
403. - That's right.
- That's right.Copy !req
404. Morning. You're ugly.Copy !req
405. No.Copy !req
406. Um...Copy !req
407. We're not... We're not doing that one.Copy !req
408. No. If you remember, I didn't like it.Copy !req
409. I thought that was quite funny, that one.Copy !req
410. - Yes. Yes, we'll be doing this one instead.
- Right. All right then.Copy !req
411. Right.Copy !req
412. Huh. I can see you've
fallen in love already, sir.Copy !req
413. - Oh, hello. Yes, I was just looking at the...
- The Aston Martin. Isn't she beautiful?Copy !req
414. To be honest with you,
that's the best car in the place, that one.Copy !req
415. Out of all of them,
that is the best one in the place.Copy !req
416. Only come in Tuesday, as a matter of fact.Copy !req
417. Obviously it's not for
me. It's for my nephew.Copy !req
418. - It's his birthday tomorrow. He'll be nine.
- Yeah, that's nice.Copy !req
419. And he told me he's set his heart
on an Aston Martin so...Copy !req
420. Yeah, well, you know, who wouldn't?Copy !req
421. To be honest with you, if I had
the money, that is the one I would...Copy !req
422. You know, for my own personal use,
I would choose that one.Copy !req
423. - You can have a go on it if you want.
- Really?Copy !req
424. Yeah, sure. I'll get it out for you.Copy !req
425. - Goes a bit, doesn't it?
- Yeah.Copy !req
426. Sounds a bit rough to me.Copy !req
427. Yeah, that's 'cause you're not getting your
tongue far enough back in your throat. That's why.Copy !req
428. - Like that, you see?
- Oh, right. Yeah.Copy !req
429. Oh, yes. Good. So how much is it?Copy !req
430. The Aston Martin DB6 Plantagenet silver.Copy !req
431. Oh, that's £4.Copy !req
432. - £4?
- Yeah.Copy !req
433. And it's one owner. Immaculate history.Copy !req
434. It's not new, then?Copy !req
435. Oh, no. No, no, no.
No, you won't get a new Aston for £4.Copy !req
436. That is cheap. That is a good price.Copy !req
437. For an Aston, £4 is cheap. I'm telling you.Copy !req
438. Obviously, we make sure that the vehicle is
completely immaculate before it goes out of here.Copy !req
439. We do a complete five-point
check on the vehicle.Copy !req
440. We clean and polish it...Copy !req
441. and then we do the other four things
that are included in the five-point check.Copy !req
442. Basically, we do everything
that is humanely possible to the car.Copy !req
443. Look, if you're not sure, you know,
why not bring your nephew in?Copy !req
444. You know, if he knows about Astons. Maybe
he'd like to have a look underneath it.Copy !req
445. We can have a look
underneath it now if you want.Copy !req
446. - Clean. Yeah.
- It is clean. It is clean. Yes.Copy !req
447. Do you exchange?Copy !req
448. - Well, what's he got at the moment?
- A tractor.Copy !req
449. Well, I'll be lucky to shift
a tractor by new year.Copy !req
450. Maybe 40p.Copy !req
451. He is very fond of his tractor.Copy !req
452. All right, then. It's his birthday.
You're an ugly bastard. 50p.Copy !req
453. I'd just like to tell you
about this cigarette case.Copy !req
454. It used to belong to my grandfather
on my parents' side.Copy !req
455. He was given it by his god-niece as a
kind of loss of virginity present, really.Copy !req
456. He took it with him to Flanders in 1912
when he went there on holiday.Copy !req
457. Then he took it again in 1915
when he went to fight in the war.Copy !req
458. Now, what grandfather used to do is
he would keep cigarettes in it like this.Copy !req
459. And if he wanted one, he would simply take
it out, smoke it and close the case again.Copy !req
460. Now, he used to keep
his cigarette case here,Copy !req
461. in the breast pocket of his field tunic,
or battle blouse.Copy !req
462. Now, one day grandfather had to go over
the top, out of the trenches into actionCopy !req
463. and he was shot by a German sniperCopy !req
464. clean through the temple.Copy !req
465. Now, if grandfather had worn
his cigarette case here...Copy !req
466. um...Copy !req
467. it would have an unpleasant dent in it...Copy !req
468. and I'd be alive today.Copy !req
469. Oh, that's... That's brilliant, that is.
That's fantastic.Copy !req
470. What?Copy !req
471. The wars are funny now, are they?Copy !req
472. The First World War was just a joke to you,
I suppose, was it?Copy !req
473. Well, yes, not very well-told.Copy !req
474. Oh, right, so the Great War and World
War II were just vast entertainmentsCopy !req
475. laid on for your benefit, were they?Copy !req
476. Well, if you put it that
way, then obviously yes.Copy !req
477. Do you know, I wonder,
what it's like to die?Copy !req
478. - Erm... no, I don't, actually.
- No, right.Copy !req
479. But do you think it's funny
that millions of people died for you?Copy !req
480. I don't think millions of people did die
for me. They didn't know me. I wasn't born.Copy !req
481. They happened to be dying
for generations yet unborn,Copy !req
482. - which I think includes you.
- Yes, but they didn't know that, did they?Copy !req
483. They didn't go into battle shouting,Copy !req
484. "Let's die for Stephen Fry
who may or may not be born one day."Copy !req
485. - They were just obeying orders.
- Oh, forget it. Forget it.Copy !req
486. Sick, you are.Copy !req
487. Sick.Copy !req
488. Well, I'm sorry, ladies and gentlemen.
I mean, the fact is I am sick.Copy !req
489. But I don't think even Hugh knows
quite how sick I am.Copy !req
490. The fact is, and this is something
only Hugh's closest friends are aware of,Copy !req
491. that he has been suffering now for sometimeCopy !req
492. from a gradual but persistent deterioration
in his eyesight.Copy !req
493. Normally, it's absolutely fine.
No one would ever know.Copy !req
494. He learns the position of all the furniture, all
the props on stage and no one could ever guess.Copy !req
495. But today, so sick am I, I just went out this
morning and moved everything here just...Copy !req
496. Oh, dear. I'm sorry. It was sick of me.Copy !req
497. As you can see, he's completely
disoriented. I don't know...Copy !req
498. I don't know why I did it. I'm sorry.
It was sick of me.Copy !req
499. - All right. Come on, let's get on with it.
- Sorry. On with the sketch.Copy !req
500. Soldiers are...Copy !req
501. Now, I don't know how to tell you this so I'm
going to have to come straight out with it.Copy !req
502. - I'm afraid I can't let you go on the escape.
- I'm sorry, sir?Copy !req
503. - I can't let you go on the escape.
- Well, why not, sir?Copy !req
504. Because, Whitlow, because you're blind.
That's why not.Copy !req
505. - No, I'm not, sir.
- You're blind, Whitlow,Copy !req
506. and I can't jeopardize the lives
of 14 other prisonersCopy !req
507. just because one of the members
of the escape party happens to be blind.Copy !req
508. - Pardon, sir?
- I said, I can't...Copy !req
509. - What's the matter? Are you deaf?
- Yes, sir.Copy !req
510. - You're deaf and blind?
- No, just deaf, sir.Copy !req
511. No, you're blind as well, Whitlow.
You keep bumping into things.Copy !req
512. Oh, that! Oh, well,
that's just a joke, sir.Copy !req
513. It's not very funny, is it?Copy !req
514. Well, the chaps like it, sir.Copy !req
515. - If you'll pardon the pun.
- What pun?Copy !req
516. - Wasn't there a pun? Oh, I'm sorry.
- No.Copy !req
517. All right, you claim you can see. I have
here, Whitlow, an electric carving knife.Copy !req
518. I'm going to plug it in, switch it on
and throw it at you.Copy !req
519. If you don't drop it, I'll
let you go on the escape.Copy !req
520. I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, sir.Copy !req
521. I haven't thrown it yet.Copy !req
522. Actually, I was telling
a bit of a lie just now.Copy !req
523. - Ah, you mean you're not deaf?
- No, I mean I am blind.Copy !req
524. - You're blind and deaf?
- Pardon?Copy !req
525. Well, I can't very well let you go on the
escape if you're deaf and blind, now can I?Copy !req
526. It was a forlorn hope, sir, yes.Copy !req
527. Just a moment. If you're deaf,
how can you hear what I'm saying?Copy !req
528. - I can lip-read, sir.
- Ah, I see.Copy !req
529. Lip-read?Copy !req
530. - But you're blind!
- Pardon?Copy !req
531. How can you read my lips if you're blind?Copy !req
532. Oh, well, it's because I'm deaf, sir, that
my sense of vision is naturally enhanced.Copy !req
533. Blind people are known to have very keen hearing.
So they sort of cancel each other out, sir.Copy !req
534. - You mean you can see and hear perfectly?
- Yes, because I'm blind and deaf.Copy !req
535. One miraculously compensates for the other.Copy !req
536. You poor beggar,
but I still can't let you go on the escape.Copy !req
537. It's because I'm dumb, isn't it, sir?Copy !req
538. - It's a talker's world.
- What are you talking about?Copy !req
539. - If you can't talk, you're nobody, nothing. A zero.
- Whitlow, shut up.Copy !req
540. They think it means I'm stupid,
but I've got ideas...Copy !req
541. Be quiet, Whitlow.
You're not coming on this escape.Copy !req
542. If it's because I can't smell, sir.Copy !req
543. You are not coming on this escape
and that is final.Copy !req
544. But, sir, I lost my sense of smell
while forging the minutest detailsCopy !req
545. of a thousand Nazi documents.Copy !req
546. I know that, Whitlow, but you can't come
because you're a bastard and we hate you.Copy !req
547. - We don't want you to come.
- Oh, fair enough, sir.Copy !req
548. Oh, hi, Bradley.Copy !req
549. I just looked in to see if I couldn't have
a borrow of your garden sprinklie.Copy !req
550. Oh, sure, mate. Help yourself.
It's over there in the coolie.Copy !req
551. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
552. By the way,
how are Javelina and Trevelin these days?Copy !req
553. Jings, mate, don't reopen old wounds.Copy !req
554. Was I doing that, Craig?
Was I reopening old wounds?Copy !req
555. - Old sores?
- You certainly were.Copy !req
556. Listen, Shane, a word to the wise.Copy !req
557. If you wanna re-establish your relationship
with those two,Copy !req
558. you've got to stop
running away from yourself.Copy !req
559. Jings, mate, don't you think I know that?Copy !req
560. Don't you think I've tried
not running away from myself?Copy !req
561. It seems like every time I look out the
window, there I go haring down the street.Copy !req
562. - Away from yourself?
- Away from myself, precisely.Copy !req
563. How does Donna feel about this?Copy !req
564. Owen, I'm gonna ask you man to man,
leave Donna out of this.Copy !req
565. All right, I'm sorry. Keep your sweat on.Copy !req
566. It's okay, mate.Copy !req
567. It's just that ever since Morwenna's
graphic design studio went down the tubes,Copy !req
568. I just seem to have
withdrawn right into myself.Copy !req
569. Oh, heck, Findley.
You can't blame yourself for that.Copy !req
570. Sean over-capitalized.
You warned him time and time enough.Copy !req
571. Yeah, but performance
is the bottom line, Clark,Copy !req
572. and I hold myself accountable
in no small measure.Copy !req
573. Well, how do you think I feel, Declan,
for crike's sakes, eh?Copy !req
574. I personally underwrote the equity
on Yvonne's marital boutique.Copy !req
575. It's my ass on the
bottom line, too, you know.Copy !req
576. Listen, you leave Yvonne
out of this, all right?Copy !req
577. Jings, mate, I'm sorry.
God, it's pretty stuffy in here.Copy !req
578. Why don't we get some fresh air?Copy !req
579. Sure, mate, help yourself. There's some
air freshener in the dunny over there.Copy !req
580. Oh, by the way, I know what it was
I wanted to say to you.Copy !req
581. We're having a barbie tomorrow night.
Do you want to come along?Copy !req
582. You leave Barbie out of this!Copy !req
583. No, a barbecue.Copy !req
584. It's to celebrate the opening of Morkwinda's
new executive fitness center and garage.Copy !req
585. - Do you want to come?
- Sounds great.Copy !req
586. Okay, then.Copy !req
587. - Oh, Jims!
- What?Copy !req
588. I've just seen Joycie coming up the pathie.Copy !req
589. Oh, Jims!Copy !req
590. Listen, there's something I've been
discussing with Castella and Lilette.Copy !req
591. And I'd rather that, you know, Joycie
and Lenore didn't find out about it.Copy !req
592. What? Spit it out, mate, she's almost here.Copy !req
593. Look, I don't know how to tell you this,
mate. It's hard for me to say. The fact is...Copy !req
594. I've been having, well,
affair, it's the only word.Copy !req
595. I've been having an affair with you
for some time now.Copy !req
596. - What?
- It's true.Copy !req
597. You bastard!Copy !req
598. Look, mate, you had to find out sooner or later
and I'd just rather it came from me, that's all.Copy !req
599. You mean we've been sleeping together
all this time?Copy !req
600. Behind my back?Copy !req
601. I've said I'm sorry.
I don't know what else I can say.Copy !req
602. The fact is that...Copy !req
603. I was vulnerable and you were there.Copy !req
604. You leave me out of this!Copy !req
605. I've said I'm sorry. I just don't
know what else I can say, mate.Copy !req
606. Why am I always the last one to know?Copy !req
607. It won't happen again, Vin. I promise.Copy !req
608. I just wish that if you were gonna sleep with
me, you could at least have done it to my face.Copy !req
609. I'll bear that in mind for next time.Copy !req
610. The truth is, mate,
I was confused and slightly bewildered.Copy !req
611. I'd just discovered that
Durnik isn't my real father.Copy !req
612. He isn't! Well, then who is?Copy !req
613. I am.Copy !req
614. - Then that must mean that you must be...
- Exactly.Copy !req
615. Devlin's half-sister's wife's
doctor's cousin's niece.Copy !req
616. Well, then who the hell am I?Copy !req
617. I don't know, mate, but it's your round.Copy !req