1. Shared by http://DJJ.HOME.SAPO.PT/Copy !req
2. Um...Copy !req
3. Oh! Oh! No, that's revolting. Oh! It's Welsh, is it?Copy !req
4. It's, um... It's blended, is it?Copy !req
5. Roy Hattersley?Copy !req
6. Chanel?Copy !req
7. We'd like to announce that we'll be holding
a competition during tonight's show.Copy !req
8. What's basically gonna happen is this...Copy !req
9. We'll be performing a series of sketchesCopy !req
10. and, obviously, we'll be wearing
different costumes for each one.Copy !req
11. Except that tonight, we're actually
going to be wearing the wrong trousers...Copy !req
12. - for every sketch.
- That's right.Copy !req
13. What's happened is,
we've mixed up the trousers at random.Copy !req
14. And what you have to do
is to use your skill and judgement...Copy !req
15. to find out which trousers go with which sketch.Copy !req
16. That's right. So, for example, if you think
the trousers that I wear in sketch ACopy !req
17. should have been worn by Stephen in sketch G,
for example, then just write it down.Copy !req
18. When you've got them all, send us a card,
also saying, in not more than ten words,Copy !req
19. why you think trousers are important.Copy !req
20. And the first correct entry opened
will receive this...Copy !req
21. rather magnificent pair of trousers.
They're pretty stunning, I think you'll agree,Copy !req
22. as well as a guided tour
around the trouser departmentCopy !req
23. here at A Bit Of Fry & Laurie.Copy !req
24. A tour led by the ever-popular Cliff Michelmore.Copy !req
25. - So, good luck.
- And good trouser-spotting.Copy !req
26. Come.Copy !req
27. Ah, Terry, come in, come in, come in.Copy !req
28. - Now, do you know why I sent for you?
- Not really, sir. No.Copy !req
29. Not really, not really. No.Copy !req
30. Well, um...Copy !req
31. First of all, let me congratulate you
on winning the school poetry prize.Copy !req
32. Oh, thank you, sir.Copy !req
33. Mr Drip tells me that it's
one of the most mature and exciting poemsCopy !req
34. he's ever received from a pupil.Copy !req
35. Don't suck your thumb, boy.Copy !req
36. Well, I'm not, sir.Copy !req
37. No, it was just a piece of general advice
for the future.Copy !req
38. Now, Terry. Terry. Terry. Terence. Terenche.Copy !req
39. It's about this poem, really. I've read it, Terry.Copy !req
40. I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry,Copy !req
41. I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual.Copy !req
42. I have to say that it worried me.Copy !req
43. - Oh?
- Yes, worried me. I have it in front of me. Now...Copy !req
44. "Inked Ravens of DespairCopy !req
45. "Claw Holes in the Arse of the Worid's Mind."Copy !req
46. I mean, what kind of a title for a poem is that?Copy !req
47. - It's my title, sir.
- "Arse of the Worid's Mind"?Copy !req
48. I mean, what does that mean?
Are you unhappy about something?Copy !req
49. I think that's what the poem explores.Copy !req
50. Explores? Oh, it explores, does it? I see.Copy !req
51. Well, let's have a look
at what it explores, shall we?Copy !req
52. "Scrotal threats...Copy !req
53. "unhorse a question of flowers."Copy !req
54. I mean, what's the matter with you?
Are you sickening for something?Copy !req
55. Or is it a girl? Is that the root of the problem?Copy !req
56. It's not something I can explain, sir.
It's all in the poem.Copy !req
57. It most certainly is "all in the poem."Copy !req
58. Now, "I asked for answers
and got a head full of heroin in return."Copy !req
59. Terry, look at me. Who's been giving you heroin?Copy !req
60. This is a very serious matter.
We must do something about it.Copy !req
61. - No one, sir.
- No, no, Terry, I must insist.Copy !req
62. It's in the poem. "I asked for answers
and got a head full of heroin."Copy !req
63. This is a police matter.
You must tell me who's been giving you heroin.Copy !req
64. Sir, no one has given me heroin.Copy !req
65. So this poem is a fiction, is it?
A fantasy? A lie? What's happening?Copy !req
66. No, it's all true. It's autobiographical.Copy !req
67. Well then, Terry, I must insist you tell me
who has been giving you heroin.Copy !req
68. Is it another boy?Copy !req
69. Well, sir. You have.Copy !req
70. I have?
What are you talking about, you diseased boy?Copy !req
71. This is rank standing impertinence.
I've never given anyone heroin in my life.Copy !req
72. - No, it's a metaphor.
- Metaphor? How metaphor?Copy !req
73. It means, I came to school to learn,
but all I got was junk instead of answers.Copy !req
74. Junk? What are you talk...
The GCSE syllabus is most rigidly adhered...Copy !req
75. - Well, you know, it's just an opinion.
- Oh, is it? And is this just an opinion, too?Copy !req
76. "When time fell wanking to the floor,
I kicked his teeth."Copy !req
77. "Time fell..." I mean, is it just put in to shock?Copy !req
78. Or is there something personal
you want to discuss with me?Copy !req
79. "Time fell wanking to the floor."Copy !req
80. - I mean, what does it mean?
- It's a quotation.Copy !req
81. Quotation? Quotation? Who from? It's not
Milton and I'm pretty sure it can't be Wordsworth.Copy !req
82. - Bowie.
- Bowie? Bowie?Copy !req
83. - David Bowie.
- Oh.Copy !req
84. And is this David Bowie, too, hm?Copy !req
85. "My body disgusts, damp greaseCopy !req
86. "wafts sweat balls
from sweat balls and thigh fungus."Copy !req
87. - I mean, do you wash?
- Of course I wash.Copy !req
88. Well, then, why does your body disgust you?
It looks perfectly all right to me.Copy !req
89. Why can't you write about meadows or somethingCopy !req
90. Never seen a meadow.Copy !req
91. Well, what do you think the imagination is for?Copy !req
92. "A girl strips in my mindCopy !req
93. "squeezes my last pumping drop of hopeCopy !req
94. "and rolls me over to sleep alone."
You're 15 years old, Terry.Copy !req
95. - What's going on inside you?
- I think that's what the poem...Copy !req
96. What the poem explores.
Don't tell me, don't tell me.Copy !req
97. I cannot understand anymore.
I cannot understand.Copy !req
98. Well, sir. You were young once.Copy !req
99. Hm? Well, yes. In a sense, I suppose.Copy !req
100. Well, didn't you ever feel like that?Copy !req
101. You mean, did I want to
"Fireball the dead cities of the mindCopy !req
102. "and watch the skin peel and warp?"
Then, thankfully, no, I did not.Copy !req
103. I may have been unhappy from time to time
if I lost my stamp album or broke a penknife.Copy !req
104. I certainly didn't write it all down
and show it to people.Copy !req
105. - Perhaps it might have been better if you had.
- Oh, might it, young Terry? Might it?Copy !req
106. I suppose I am one of
the "unhappy bubbles of anal wind...Copy !req
107. "popping and winking in the mortal bath." Am I?Copy !req
108. Oh, your silence tells me everything. I am!
I am an unhappy bubble of anal wind.Copy !req
109. Well, that's just how I see it. That's valid.Copy !req
110. Valid? Valid? You're not talking about a bank note.Copy !req
111. You are calling your headmaster
"an unhappy bubble of anal wind."Copy !req
112. I'm one, too.Copy !req
113. Oh, as long as we're all
unhappy bubbles of anal windCopy !req
114. popping and winking in the mortal bath,
then there's no problem,Copy !req
115. but I don't propose
to advertise the fact to parents.Copy !req
116. If this is poetry, then every lavatory wall
in England is an anthology.Copy !req
117. What's happened to
The Oxford Book of English Verse?Copy !req
118. Where's that disappeared to in all this, hm?Copy !req
119. Perhaps that's the lavatory paper.Copy !req
120. - Is that clever?
- I don't know.Copy !req
121. I suppose it's another quotation
from Derek Bowie, is it?Copy !req
122. I can't understand anymore. I cannot understand.Copy !req
123. It's not surprising, sir.Copy !req
124. Perhaps you're frustrated.
After all, it's a lonely job.Copy !req
125. I am frustrated. It is a lonely job.
I'm assailed by doubt and wracked by fear.Copy !req
126. Well, then write it down.
Write it down, get it out your system.Copy !req
127. "Assailed by doubts, wracked by fear."Copy !req
128. You think? Yes.
Assailed by doubts, wracked by fear.Copy !req
129. Tossed in a wrecked mucus foam...Copy !req
130. - of... of...
- Hatred?Copy !req
131. Good, good. What about "steamed loathing"?Copy !req
132. Better. You're a natural.Copy !req
133. Wrecked mucus foam of steamed loathing.Copy !req
134. Snot trails of dustCopy !req
135. perforate the bowels of my intent.Copy !req
136. Put on your red shoes, Major Tom...Copy !req
137. What I always say to myself in that situation is...Copy !req
138. what would Lester Piggott have done
in the same position?Copy !req
139. Oh, God!Copy !req
140. Oh, what is that? That is awful!Copy !req
141. - Sir?
- What is that smell?Copy !req
142. Oh, that is... Blurgh!Copy !req
143. - What is it?
- What smell, sir?Copy !req
144. That smell. Can't you smell it? I can smell it.Copy !req
145. - Oh, it's terrible.
- Um, do you mean the onions, sir?Copy !req
146. No, I don't mean the onions.
I know what onions smell like.Copy !req
147. No, that other smell.Copy !req
148. God!Copy !req
149. I'm sorry, sir. I can't actually smell anything.Copy !req
150. Well, it doesn't matter.
You can't smell it, I can smell it, but never mind.Copy !req
151. Right.Copy !req
152. Oh, no! Oh, that is awful. God!Copy !req
153. - Is it still troubling you, sir?
- Yes, it is, God.Copy !req
154. Oh, it smells like gangrene.Copy !req
155. Um, yes...Copy !req
156. Someone's got gangrene in here. Who is it?Copy !req
157. Um, yes, would you like to move
to another table, sir?Copy !req
158. Well, that's not going to stop the gangrene, is it?Copy !req
159. Once gangrene takes hold...
you move tables as often as you like, that's it.Copy !req
160. Oh, no, that's...Copy !req
161. Excuse me!Copy !req
162. Has one of you got gangrene
'cause it's really bugging me over here.Copy !req
163. It's awful.Copy !req
164. I can open a window, sir, if you'd like.Copy !req
165. No, never mind.
Obviously we'll all just have to put up with it.Copy !req
166. That's all right. Now get. Go, go!Copy !req
167. Unless it's fettuccine.Copy !req
168. Sir?Copy !req
169. Fettuccine and gangrene,
they smell pretty similar.Copy !req
170. Well, table 14 is having fettuccine, sir.Copy !req
171. Oh, well. That'll be it, then.Copy !req
172. It's all right.
It's not gangrene, it's your fettuccine.Copy !req
173. Right, sir. If there's nothing else, thank you.Copy !req
174. Oh, no! Oh, no!Copy !req
175. - Sir?
- Oh. Oh, God!Copy !req
176. - Sir, what is it this time, sir?
- Somebody's got bubonic plague.Copy !req
177. - I beg your pardon, sir?
- It's awful. God!Copy !req
178. I bloody wrote that!Copy !req
179. You can't bloody well steal something I've written.Copy !req
180. Don't tell me to be quiet! I bloody wrote that.Copy !req
181. I bloody wrote it and you just stole it!Copy !req
182. Is there a problem?Copy !req
183. Problem?
I'll say there's a bloody problem all right.Copy !req
184. That's my sketch and you bloody nicked it.Copy !req
185. Well, sir. When? When did...Copy !req
186. - When? When when what?
- When did you write it?Copy !req
187. Well, I don't know, I don't know.
Years ago. Years ago.Copy !req
188. Yes, well, I mean, can you prove it?Copy !req
189. Prove it?Copy !req
190. Of course I can't bloody prove it.
I mean, what do you think I am, for God's sake?Copy !req
191. Look, I'm telling you, I'm telling you,
that's my sketch.Copy !req
192. You know, I mean, it's based
on a personal experience I had, for God...Copy !req
193. I'm not going to let you two just take it
and pretend it's yours.Copy !req
194. If you can't prove that you wrote it,
it's rather hard for us to believe.Copy !req
195. I don't care if you bloody well believe me or not.
I'm telling you, it's my sketch. I wrote it.Copy !req
196. And what's more, you two,
you're breaking the law by doing it now.Copy !req
197. It's a very serious allegation.Copy !req
198. You should have thought of that
before you started doing it, shouldn't you?Copy !req
199. Well, I'm sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen.Copy !req
200. Obviously we can't go on doing this sketch now.Copy !req
201. We'll have to get it sorted out and hopefully
we'll be able to come back to this later on.Copy !req
202. I'm really sorry about this.Copy !req
203. - This is your solicitor's name and address?
- Yeah, that's right. Yeah.Copy !req
204. - Yours is?
- Samson Delaney.Copy !req
205. Yeah, well, I've actually applied to join
the plainclothes branch,Copy !req
206. but as you can see,
I'm on probation at the moment.Copy !req
207. With a bit of luck, uh...Copy !req
208. you know, next month, maybe I'll...Copy !req
209. I'll be issued with the proper bomber jacket
and it's goodbye to this.Copy !req
210. Thanks.Copy !req
211. Every day in Britain,
more than 10 million people are mad.Copy !req
212. That's the disturbing conclusion
in a report just published calledCopy !req
213. Is Britain Turning into a Nation of Mad People?Copy !req
214. Dr Mijory Marjorie is with me now.Copy !req
215. Dr Marjorie...Copy !req
216. just how serious is this problem?Copy !req
217. - It's very serious.
- Wait a minute, I haven't finished yet.Copy !req
218. - Sorry.
- ... in real terms.Copy !req
219. - Okay?
- Yes, go on. Yes.Copy !req
220. It's very serious indeed.
In 1957, when records began,Copy !req
221. we were, I think,
the sixth maddest country in Europe.Copy !req
222. Whereas last year's figures show
that now Britain, I'm afraid,Copy !req
223. - leads the European community...
- It is a community, isn't it?Copy !req
224. Yes.Copy !req
225. Britain now leads Europe in terms of being mad.Copy !req
226. - Well, that's a worrying trend, certainly.
- You're very kind.Copy !req
227. Right. Right.Copy !req
228. Now, for those viewers
who may just have switched on this minute,Copy !req
229. would you mind having this conversation
with me all over again?Copy !req
230. - Fine with me.
- Right.Copy !req
231. Is Britain turning into a nation of mad people?Copy !req
232. Dr Mijory Marjorie is with me now.Copy !req
233. Dr Marjorie, just how serious is this problem
in real terms?Copy !req
234. Not particularly.Copy !req
235. - Not particularly what?
- Serious.Copy !req
236. - Isn't it?
- No, no, no.Copy !req
237. Right, when we talk aboutCopy !req
238. Britain's increasing madness,Copy !req
239. - what sort of madness are we really discussing?
- Well, all sorts really.Copy !req
240. From the kind of madness
that makes people want toCopy !req
241. put on a hat when they get into a car,Copy !req
242. to the really extreme madness
that prompts people to go to the theatre.Copy !req
243. Right.Copy !req
244. So that's quite a broad basket of madness,
really, isn't it?Copy !req
245. - Well, we've tried to be pretty thorough.
- Right, right.Copy !req
246. Now, for those people
who've just tuned in right now.Copy !req
247. Could I suggest that you invest
in a copy of Radio Times?Copy !req
248. That way you can plan your viewing properlyCopy !req
249. and stop butting into programmes
five minutes after they've begun.Copy !req
250. I mean, you wouldn't after all
start a novel at chapter 5, would you?Copy !req
251. Well, you would if the first four chapters
were rubbish.Copy !req
252. Oh, be quiet. Um, now...Copy !req
253. Dr Marjorie...Copy !req
254. examining the causes beneath and behindCopy !req
255. and, to some extent, to one side
of Britain's underlying and increasing madness,Copy !req
256. what exactly are they?Copy !req
257. - Well, we examined...
- Sorry, sorry, who's "we"?Copy !req
258. My mother and I.Copy !req
259. - And a woman called Alice.
- Fine, fine.Copy !req
260. And we came up
with some pretty interesting results.Copy !req
261. You see, essentially, madness is like charity.Copy !req
262. It begins at home.Copy !req
263. Oh, that's interesting.Copy !req
264. Darryl.Copy !req
265. Corporal punishment, you think?Copy !req
266. I was beaten as a...Copy !req
267. I was beaten as a... As a child.
Didn't do me any harm.Copy !req
268. Good morning, sir. Can I help you at all?Copy !req
269. Yes, I'm looking for a three-door hatchback.Copy !req
270. Probably...Copy !req
271. round about a C-reg, low mileage if possible.Copy !req
272. I should think three,
three and a half mark, probably.Copy !req
273. - A three-door hatchback?
- Yeah.Copy !req
274. A Fiesta or a Polo, something like that.
Anything cheap and reliable basically.Copy !req
275. Well, we have got this Queen Anne dressing table.
Very nice condition.Copy !req
276. The drawers aren't original,
hence the price of £1,250.Copy !req
277. - Right, right. No, that's very nice.
- It's a nice piece.Copy !req
278. Yeah, there isn't much room in it,
though, is there?Copy !req
279. I'm just thinking about the shopping.
Whether there's enough room for the shopping.Copy !req
280. I don't want anything huge,
like a Volvo or anything.Copy !req
281. I don't believe it.
They've done it again.Copy !req
282. - They've stolen this one again, I don't believe it.
- Oh, Christ.Copy !req
283. Daylight bloody robbery, this is.Copy !req
284. Oh, Jesus wept!Copy !req
285. What? I mean, you wrote this one as well?Copy !req
286. Yes, I bloody well did.
Don't you come all sarcastic on me.Copy !req
287. You know perfectly well you never wrote this.Copy !req
288. Just not our lucky night, I'm afraid.Copy !req
289. Man buying car in an antique shop. That's it.Copy !req
290. That's it. I wrote that years ago.Copy !req
291. Well, it's solid, you see.
That's what I like about it. It's solid...Copy !req
292. without being smutty.Copy !req
293. Not nearly smutty enough.Copy !req
294. Well, ask a stupid person
and you get a stupid answer.Copy !req
295. Morning, Control.Copy !req
296. Hello, Tony. Come on in.Copy !req
297. Thank you. I will come in. Just for the now.Copy !req
298. I expect you will have heard the news, then.Copy !req
299. Well, the place is in a bit of an uproar,
but you know what rumours are.Copy !req
300. Oh, yes, I don't know. I sometimes thinkCopy !req
301. that if I believed everything I heard in rumours,Copy !req
302. I'd be believing some things that aren't true at all.Copy !req
303. Anyway, you'll forgive me
if I yawn a bit during today,Copy !req
304. but what with one thing and another,
I didn't get too much sleep last night.Copy !req
305. Oh, poor you. You must be exhausted,Copy !req
306. or very tired at least. Or is that wrong?Copy !req
307. No, that's quite right. I am tired, Tony.Copy !req
308. Well, perhaps you'd like to tell me
what happened, Control.Copy !req
309. Unless you're too tired.Copy !req
310. No, I think it would be best if I filled you in.Copy !req
311. That way, you won't have to rely
on departmental rumours, will you?Copy !req
312. Yes, and that would be a great convenience.Copy !req
313. Hmm. I expect it would.Copy !req
314. Well, we picked up Costain last night.Copy !req
315. Yes, I gathered as much from the rumours,Copy !req
316. but I wasn't sure whether it was absolutely true
so it's good to have it confirmed by you.Copy !req
317. I can imagine.Copy !req
318. Costain came quite quietly.Copy !req
319. I think he'd guessed that we'd suspected him
of being a traitor for some time now.Copy !req
320. Which we had, hadn't we?Copy !req
321. Yes, that's quite true. We had.Copy !req
322. When was it we first came to suspect him,
do you think?Copy !req
323. Well, I can't remember exactly,
but it was certainly some time ago.Copy !req
324. - Before last spring, would you say?
- Well, around there, definitely.Copy !req
325. Yes. Certainly no later than the 14th of May.Copy !req
326. Because that was my birthday
and I remember thinking at the timeCopy !req
327. that having Costain arrested and put behind barsCopy !req
328. would be the best birthday present
anyone could ever hope for.Copy !req
329. I remember you saying those exact words, Tony.Copy !req
330. - So, any old way, you managed to arrest him?
- Yes.Copy !req
331. He was taken to the ninth floor
and I had the job of interrogating him.Copy !req
332. That's never a very pleasant task, is it, Control?Copy !req
333. No, it's one of the things I least enjoy
having to do, as a matter of fact, Tony.Copy !req
334. It's very difficult when someone
doesn't want to tell you anythingCopy !req
335. and you have to think up ways
of making them tell you.Copy !req
336. Yes, that can call on all your know-how, can't it?Copy !req
337. That's right. Yes.
Costain, I'm afraid, didn't want to tell us anything.Copy !req
338. But I thought it would be much better if he didCopy !req
339. because if he's been working
for the Russians all this time,Copy !req
340. then we ought to know
what he's been up to, oughtn't we?Copy !req
341. Yes.Copy !req
342. That way, we know
which of our secrets have been given awayCopy !req
343. and which are safe.Copy !req
344. That's exactly right.Copy !req
345. So, was the Minister pleased
that we caught him at last?Copy !req
346. Well, on the one hand, Tony, he's delighted
that Costain has been put behind bars at last.Copy !req
347. On the other hand,
he's very anxious to minimize publicity.Copy !req
348. - And, of course, on the other hand...
- Oh, hold on.Copy !req
349. You've got three hands there, Control.Copy !req
350. Oh, yes, I wasn't counting very carefully, was I?Copy !req
351. Well, let's just say he's also rather cross
that we allowed a Soviet agentCopy !req
352. to go undetected amongst our rank for so long.Copy !req
353. So, a mixed reception, then.Copy !req
354. I think that's a very fair way
of putting it actually, Tony. Yes.Copy !req
355. So, all in all, and what with one thing and another,Copy !req
356. it's been a pretty tiring 48 hours.Copy !req
357. Well, 44 hours to be exact.Copy !req
358. But it feels like 48, I can tell you.Copy !req
359. Well, 46 or 47 at least.Copy !req
360. So being as how you're so tired, Control,Copy !req
361. perhaps a cup of coffee might perk you up.Copy !req
362. Oh, I say, that's ever such a super thought, Tony.
I'd just love one.Copy !req
363. - Coming right up.
- You're a lifesaver, Tony, and that's a fact.Copy !req
364. - Oh, and Control?
- Mmm?Copy !req
365. Under the circumstances, I'm going to make sure
it's a good and strong one.Copy !req
366. - Bye-bye.
- Bye.Copy !req
367. So, do you like heavy metal?Copy !req
368. I quite like heavy metal,Copy !req
369. but I prefer something that wasn't quite so heavy.Copy !req
370. - What? A bit lighter?
- Yes. Lighter metal would be nicer.Copy !req
371. - Only, unfortunately, light metal doesn't exist.
- Ah, well, that's where you're wrong.Copy !req
372. Because Genital Records have just issued
a new compilation album.Copy !req
373. - Really?
- Yes. It's called Light Metal.Copy !req
374. - Is it a completely new concept?
- Apparently.Copy !req
375. Oh.Copy !req
376. - And what's it called?
- Light metal.Copy !req
377. Goodness. So, it's like heavy metal, but...Copy !req
378. - Without the weight.
- Right.Copy !req
379. Do you know any examples of light metal?Copy !req
380. Well, the main bitch-sex monsters
of the whole scene at the moment...Copy !req
381. - Yes?
- ... are called The Bishop and The Warlord.Copy !req
382. Wow.Copy !req
383. Woofety, woofety, woofety.Copy !req
384. Sex and violence, really.Copy !req
385. We're a small company,
but we're expanding all the time.Copy !req
386. I prefer the quieter ones, really.Copy !req
387. Well, basically, you do need something
to moisten the bread.Copy !req
388. You can just run it under the tap.Copy !req
389. - Mr Lully, is it?
- That's correct. Yes.Copy !req
390. Glad you could see me at such short notice.Copy !req
391. - Not at all. Do sit down.
- Thanks very much.Copy !req
392. - Can I offer you a coffee?
- Oh, that would be very nice. Yes, thanks.Copy !req
393. Right. How do you like it?Copy !req
394. Decaffeinated, jug method,Copy !req
395. low-mineral-content spring water
not quite brought to the boil,Copy !req
396. with semi-skimmed milk
with one NutraSweet. Unstirred.Copy !req
397. Right.Copy !req
398. - Mark?
- Yes.Copy !req
399. - Do we still have that chemistry set in the office?
- Afraid not.Copy !req
400. - Well, then. Just one coffee, please.
- Okay.Copy !req
401. Right. Now, Mr Lully,
you're after a loan, is that right?Copy !req
402. That's about the size of it. Yeah.Copy !req
403. You say in your letter
that you're starting up a new businessCopy !req
404. and you'd like to take advantage
of our new Gredo start-up package.Copy !req
405. That's absolutely correct. Yes.Copy !req
406. You don't actually say what the product is
that you're hoping to market.Copy !req
407. As it happens, I've actually brought along
a couple of samples with me.Copy !req
408. Excellent.Copy !req
409. We haven't actually settled on brand names yet,
but basically...Copy !req
410. the blue sachet is cocaine and the red is heroin.Copy !req
411. Sorry?Copy !req
412. The market research we've done so far
has indicatedCopy !req
413. that cocaine is thought of as a brighter,
fresher product, therefore the blue.Copy !req
414. And heroin is warmer, more passionate,
hence the red.Copy !req
415. If you disagree, I'll certainly value your input.Copy !req
416. - You're planning to sell and distribute drugs?
- On the button.Copy !req
417. Yup. The market's there, I'm ready to go,
and let's face it, Europe's open for business.Copy !req
418. - Yes...
- Problem?Copy !req
419. - Possibly, possibly.
- Well, I think I know what you're going to say.Copy !req
420. Certainly up until now this is an area
which has been hedged aboutCopy !req
421. with a lot of rules and regulations
and, to be quite honest,Copy !req
422. when I first looked
at this market I thought to myself,Copy !req
423. "Hey, I'd be better off manufacturing red tape."Copy !req
424. Red tape. Yes.Copy !req
425. But, thankfully, those times are changing now.Copy !req
426. Whole new markets are opening up
and I'm ready to play them.Copy !req
427. - Yes, but...
- The demand is there. No question.Copy !req
428. - Is it? Well...
- One of the most exciting things for meCopy !req
429. is that it's such a young market.Copy !req
430. - Young?
- Oh, yes. Immensely young.Copy !req
431. Yes, consumer profiling indicates
the 12 to 15-year-old segmentCopy !req
432. and, you know, if we can instil brand loyalty
into them at that age,Copy !req
433. well, that's got to be good news.Copy !req
434. - But...
- Ah, but, but, but. Yes.Copy !req
435. You're thinking, 12 to 15-year olds,
do they have the income?Copy !req
436. What I always say to that is this...Copy !req
437. if the product's right,
they'll find the income, you know.Copy !req
438. Their mothers' handbags, car stereos,
old-age pensioners, wherever it is.Copy !req
439. Yes...Copy !req
440. I hesitate to use a word like this,
a bit old-fashioned,Copy !req
441. but do you think this is strictly moral?Copy !req
442. I beg your pardon?Copy !req
443. Moral. Do you think it's moral?Copy !req
444. - Moral.
- Yes.Copy !req
445. I'm not sure if I've actually got
any precise figures on that.Copy !req
446. - Susie said she'd do me a bar chart...
- No, no.Copy !req
447. Is it moral to do this at all?
You know, with children and so on.Copy !req
448. Well, let me just say this.
Would you rather we stood idly byCopy !req
449. and let the Germans, the Dutch, South AmericansCopy !req
450. take over our market share?Copy !req
451. - Where's your precious morality then?
- Well, I...Copy !req
452. Up a gum tree without a paddle, that's where it is.Copy !req
453. The question is this,
either you believe in market forces or you don't.Copy !req
454. Ah, well, I can help you there, because I don't.Copy !req
455. - You don't?
- No, no, I don't believe in market forces.Copy !req
456. I used to, of course,
when I was a child, but like everybody else,Copy !req
457. when I grew older,
I discovered it was all made up.Copy !req
458. - Made up?
- Yes.Copy !req
459. I can still remember the exact day
I found out, actually, it was a Christmas Eve.Copy !req
460. And I couldn't sleep and I crept downstairsCopy !req
461. and I heard my, you know, parents,
they were talking and arguingCopy !req
462. and laughing about market forces,Copy !req
463. and saying how they were going to have
to break it to me one day.Copy !req
464. Came as a bit of a blow, as you can imagine.Copy !req
465. Two years later, I discovered
that Father Christmas didn't exist either.Copy !req
466. Didn't exist? You're kidding.Copy !req
467. - Oh, did you still...
- Yes, I did actually.Copy !req
468. - Yes.
- I am sorry.Copy !req
469. Growing up, hey?Copy !req
470. Ladies and gentlemen, I think we've got toCopy !req
471. know each other well enough over the weeks now
for me to make a little confession.Copy !req
472. I don't want you to be embarrassed by this,
I'm not.Copy !req
473. And it's I whose breast is being cleaned,
not yours.Copy !req
474. The fact is, I'm not quite as I seem.Copy !req
475. You see before you
what I've been kind enough to callCopy !req
476. a rather lovely figure of a super
and that's by and breastly as it should be.Copy !req
477. However, and this is where I'm going
to have to ask you to be excitingly pretty,Copy !req
478. I do have a peculiarityCopy !req
479. which I feel I must in all softness
be rather heavenly about, just for a divine.Copy !req
480. Like an increasing number of people today,Copy !req
481. I have a pair of nipples attached to my chest.Copy !req
482. Here and to a lesser extent, there.Copy !req
483. But, and this is where I'm forced to be
a little more delicious than usual,Copy !req
484. while this one here, Neville, is rosyCopy !req
485. and healthy and everything one could want,Copy !req
486. this one, Sheila,Copy !req
487. is bright blue
and something of a young disappointment.Copy !req
488. Well, there, in a smooth-limbed,
golden-thighed way, we are.Copy !req
489. You've been patient, you've been glossy,
you've been surprisingly supple.Copy !req
490. I've enjoyed being fabulous with you. Thank you.Copy !req
491. See that? Just there.Copy !req
492. It's a miracle, that.
Another inch and that would have been just there.Copy !req
493. Good evening, Chief Inspector Venice,
Burnham CID. May I come in?Copy !req
494. Well, of course you can, dear. It's your house.Copy !req
495. Go on, then. Go on.Copy !req
496. Go on, help yourself, then.Copy !req
497. You know, see if I care. Go on, take the lot.Copy !req
498. I don't care. Come on, Cindy, we're going. Go on.Copy !req
499. Just help yourself, all right?Copy !req
500. Anything you like, take the lot.Copy !req
501. Solid, no?Copy !req
502. How many times have you walked out
in front of a bus,Copy !req
503. been knocked over and killed?Copy !req
504. It's pretty frustrating, isn't it?Copy !req
505. Now there's an answer to that problemCopy !req
506. because a company down in Truro in CornwallCopy !req
507. has come up
with these lightweight travelling hats.Copy !req
508. Which can be folded very tightly indeedCopy !req
509. but which, when unpacked,
can be thrown away almost immediately.Copy !req
510. Which hopefully should eliminate
that bus problem at a stroke.Copy !req
511. Dick.Copy !req