1. Hello, I'm Oprah Winfrey,
and I'd like you to meet someone.Copy !req
2. Please say hello to Luella de la Tweeb.Copy !req
3. Hi.Copy !req
4. Tell us about yourself.Copy !req
5. Well, my name is Luella. I'm 37 years of age.Copy !req
6. I'm beautiful, I'm intelligent,
I'm glamorous, I'm attractive,Copy !req
7. I'm warm, I'm sensitive, I'm caring,Copy !req
8. I'm rich, I'm sexy.Copy !req
9. I'm incredibly talented.Copy !req
10. So, what exactly is your problem, Luella?Copy !req
11. I suffer from low self-esteem.Copy !req
12. Mmm.Copy !req
13. That's an absolute bugger, isn't it?Copy !req
14. And how does that manifest itself?Copy !req
15. Well, I used to love myself,
I used to think that I was great.Copy !req
16. Oh, don't tell me you stopped thinking
you were great, that would be heart-breaking.Copy !req
17. Well, I stopped talking to myself,Copy !req
18. I stopped seeing myself for what I really am.
I guess I started to take myself for granted.Copy !req
19. Let's have a pointless round
of applause there, can we?Copy !req
20. So… Thank you. All right.Copy !req
21. So, Luella, what did you do next?Copy !req
22. –Well, I confronted myself.
–Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
23. You know, I waited until I got home one day
and I confronted myself.Copy !req
24. I said, “Hey, lady, what are you doing?”Copy !req
25. You know.
–How unbearably tense.Copy !req
26. And how did you respond?Copy !req
27. Well, you know, I started to shift around,
I started blaming all kinds of other things,Copy !req
28. but in the end, you know, I had to admit that,
yes, I was sleeping with someone else.Copy !req
29. I don't think I've ever been more
emotionally knotted up than I am at the moment.Copy !req
30. Ask a question.Copy !req
31. (DELIGHTED LAUGHTER) Oh, who, me? Oh!Copy !req
32. I'd just like to ask Luella
where she gets her strength from.Copy !req
33. Luella, lady here wants to know where
the mascaraed arse you get your strength from.Copy !req
34. –Well, now, can I answer that with a question?
–Can she?Copy !req
35. –Oh, I'd like that.
–She'd like that.Copy !req
36. Right, well, I want you to do something for me.
I want you to stand in front of a mirror, okay?Copy !req
37. Take all your clothes off…Copy !req
38. No, hey, look, I'm serious. It's what I did.Copy !req
39. You know, I stood naked in front of a mirror
and I looked at myself, and I said,Copy !req
40. “I love me.Copy !req
41. I love me for what I am.
I love my whining aggression,” you know.Copy !req
42. “I love my hideous, suffocating self-pity,Copy !req
43. ”I love the fact that I'm a neurotic
and that I demand the world's respectCopy !req
44. ”without having to do
a single thing to earn it. I'm me.Copy !req
45. I'm special, I'm crazy about the way I am.”
Now, would you do that for me?Copy !req
46. I surely will.Copy !req
47. Right, well, I think we'd better take
a vomit break now, but don't go away.Copy !req
48. (WHISPERING) Between desire and reality.Copy !req
49. A bit.Copy !req
50. Between fact and breakfast,Copy !req
51. madness lies, lies, lies…Copy !req
52. A bit.Copy !req
53. I hate you, I hate you and yet…Copy !req
54. I hate you…Copy !req
55. As love, rage and aches of the ear.Copy !req
56. Pretension by Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
57. Thank you.Copy !req
58. Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
59. a broad, wet kiss of a welcome,
with tongues, obviously,Copy !req
60. to this edition of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
61. That's right. Over the next 30 minutes or so,
we'd like you to make yourself at home,Copy !req
62. if you are at home, that is.Copy !req
63. If you're in a hotel, make yourself…Copy !req
64. in a hotel.Copy !req
65. Well…Copy !req
66. My colleague, you have a way with words
that reminds me of…Copy !req
67. Reminds me of my old geography teacher
after he'd had a couple.Copy !req
68. –Couple of what?
–Very serious car accidents.Copy !req
69. But the substance of his speech is right in there,
kicking arse and cutting mustard,Copy !req
70. and that is, be comfortable.
–Be comfortable. Exactly.Copy !req
71. In fact, I believe my colleague, that you've
actually written a song called Be Comfortable.Copy !req
72. –Indeed I have.
–Very interesting.Copy !req
73. Well, now we move onCopy !req
74. to that part of the show where we introduce
what used to be called “guests”Copy !req
75. and are now called “hospitality customers”
onto the show.Copy !req
76. And first out of the linen press is a man…Copy !req
77. Well, is “man” a big enough word?
He's got two ears, two eyes,Copy !req
78. two legs and one bottom, certainly, but
there the resemblance to ordinary mortals ends.Copy !req
79. He's the friend of stars and the star of friends.Copy !req
80. Lord Owen described his contribution
to the peace process in BosniaCopy !req
81. as “meaningless and insulting”.Copy !req
82. His children call him “daddy”,
his wife calls him regularly.Copy !req
83. The underpants that he wears today,
you will wear tomorrow.Copy !req
84. His light shines in the darkness
whenever he leaves it on.Copy !req
85. Ladies and gentleman,
will you please receive,Copy !req
86. in complete and utter
contempt and silence,Copy !req
87. actor, long-jumper,
high-jumper, bungee-jumper,Copy !req
88. willy-jumper, queue-jumper,
and anything-in-skirts-jumper,Copy !req
89. Mr Stephen Moore.Copy !req
90. –FRY: Please, sit down.
–Thank you.Copy !req
91. –Stephen, lovely to have you on the show.
–Thank you.Copy !req
92. Mmm, mmm. I mentioned your bottom
earlier on in my introduction,Copy !req
93. and that's because it's particularly close
to your heart, I believe.Copy !req
94. What, are you…Copy !req
95. Are you saying I'm short?
–Yes.Copy !req
96. No. No, no, no, no.Copy !req
97. No. What my colleague is sayingCopy !req
98. is that you have something
that you'd like to tell us about bottoms.Copy !req
99. Ah, yes. Well, yes,
Stephen, that's right.Copy !req
100. You see, when I was a younger man—
–No, no, no…Copy !req
101. –No, I'm Hugh, that's Stephen. Stephen, Hugh.
–Sorry?Copy !req
102. Oh! Yeah, right, yes, uh…Copy !req
103. Yeah, I don't watch your stuff,
you see, so, you know…Copy !req
104. Right. Well, I think we ought to
just move as swiftly on as we can, my colleague.Copy !req
105. Right. Well, next into the hot seat,Copy !req
106. I don't know why I call it that, really,
it's actually quite a pleasantly cool seat.Copy !req
107. So, next into the quite pleasantly cool seat
is a small but serviceable fishing smack.Copy !req
108. But is “small but serviceable fishing
smack” really the right description?Copy !req
109. No, I don't think it is.
I think “woman” is better.Copy !req
110. A woman whose photograph
you've no doubt licked at one time or another.Copy !req
111. She drives a hard bargain and a Fiat Tipo.Copy !req
112. She breaks wind like an angel
and eats macaroni like a bloody warthog.Copy !req
113. Her remarkable linocuts
have disfigured her kitchen floor,Copy !req
114. and her hairstyle was believed by many to beCopy !req
115. the inspiration behind Margaret Thatcher's
final descent into madness.Copy !req
116. So will you please now make
the traditional Mahweli gesture of welcomeCopy !req
117. for Phyllida Law.Copy !req
118. –So, Phyllida, hi.
–Hello.Copy !req
119. You've changed.Copy !req
120. No, I wore this on the way here.Copy !req
121. No, I meant you've changed your dress.Copy !req
122. Didn't really work, did it?Copy !req
123. Well, anyway…Copy !req
124. Three more civil wars have broken out in Europe
while we've been sitting here a-gassing.Copy !req
125. So, before the whole world bursts into flames,
there's just time, Phyllida, for me to ask youCopy !req
126. to hand round the contoured butt plugs
and, um, Simon, would you be…Copy !req
127. Simon, would you be kind enough to slam
your head in a fire door?Copy !req
128. –The name's Stephen.
–I almost care.Copy !req
129. Well, time now to release the handbrakeCopy !req
130. and slip gently, but with gathering speed,
down into the green dell,Copy !req
131. what we call “the Valley of Sketches”.
See you there in a mo… ment.Copy !req
132. Michael, you must be very thrilled with
that result. Take us through the race.Copy !req
133. (IN FOREIGN ACCENT)
Yes, well, I was not very happy with the car,Copy !req
134. and we had a lot of problems.Copy !req
135. And the car was not so good,
I think that, you know…Copy !req
136. Yes, but you won. It's a great result
for you. You must be very happy.Copy !req
137. Well, we had a lot of problems with the car,
and I was not so happy, it was very hard.Copy !req
138. Yes, but you won.Copy !req
139. I won, yes, but there were
many, many problems,Copy !req
140. and it was very hard and difficult, and…Copy !req
141. I was not happy at all with the car, and…Copy !req
142. Yes, can I… But you did actually win,
did I get that straight, you actually won the race?Copy !req
143. We had a lot of problems.
Yes, and it was very hard.Copy !req
144. Yeah, well, just leaving aside for the moment
how hard it was,Copy !req
145. are you happy to have won the race?Copy !req
146. Well, it was very difficult…Copy !req
147. Yes, well, presumably it was difficult, that's why
you get paid half a million pounds per raceCopy !req
148. and get as much sex as you can eat.Copy !req
149. I just need to know if this makes you happy,
having won the race.Copy !req
150. Delighted, enchanté,
over the frigging moon.Copy !req
151. –Well, we had a lot of problems—
–Are you happy?Copy !req
152. –It was very difficult…
–Are you happy⁈Copy !req
153. Many problems…Copy !req
154. with the…Copy !req
155. Are you arsing-well happy,
you dismal, moaning French twat?Copy !req
156. You do a job that half of mankind
would kill to be able to doCopy !req
157. and you can have sex with the other half
as often as you like!Copy !req
158. I just need to know if
this makes you happy!Copy !req
159. We had a lot of problems…Copy !req
160. See this? Made in England.Copy !req
161. And this? Made in England.Copy !req
162. And this, made in England.Copy !req
163. And, if you please, this, made in England.Copy !req
164. And all Sir Dickey,
Puttnam et al can doCopy !req
165. is whinge on about the death
of the British film industry.Copy !req
166. Okay, she was mad.Copy !req
167. She was mad, she was paranoid,
she was a megalomaniac, she was deluded.Copy !req
168. But somehow, you know,
when she was in charge,Copy !req
169. Blue Peter was Blue Peter.Copy !req
170. When the news of John Major's election
came through, I was in the kitchenCopy !req
171. glazing my buns,Copy !req
172. and Michael, my husband, came through,Copy !req
173. and we broke open a bottle of champagneCopy !req
174. and tried to cut our throats with it.Copy !req
175. That Home Secretary, he's…Copy !req
176. He's a twit, isn't he?Copy !req
177. –You are Councillor Kenneth Wade?
–I am.Copy !req
178. I hope you're aware, Councillor Wade,
that this is an informal hearing.Copy !req
179. Yes, most certainly.
I'd just like to say at the outsetCopy !req
180. that I have done absolutely nothing
of which I'm ashamed,Copy !req
181. and I stand by my record in local government.
Having said that, I'm perfectly preparedCopy !req
182. to cooperate fully with this enquiry and answer
such questions as you may see fit to put.Copy !req
183. You were elected to the Grangely City Council,
Mr Wade, on a ticket of… Let me see…Copy !req
184. On a ticket of providing value for money
for our charge-paying customersCopy !req
185. and for injecting new standards of decency,
honour and family values into the community.Copy !req
186. Fine words, no doubt, Mr Wade.Copy !req
187. You were, I believe,
in charge of the contracting outCopy !req
188. of the Council's cleaning department.Copy !req
189. Cleansing department.
We say “cleansing”, not “cleaning”.Copy !req
190. Why?Copy !req
191. 'Cause it annoys people, I suppose.Copy !req
192. And the company you chose is called
Wade Cleaning Services.Copy !req
193. “Cleansing”, Wade Cleansing.Copy !req
194. Slogan, “We know the meansing of cleansing.”Copy !req
195. Wade Cleansing is
wholly owned and run by your wife.Copy !req
196. Yes, the matter was fully investigated
by an independent enquiry at the time.Copy !req
197. Yes, Wade Independent Tribunals Limited.Copy !req
198. Certainly, the old publicly-run enquiry services
were expensive and inefficient.Copy !req
199. We contracted out
to Wade Independent Tribunals Limited,Copy !req
200. who offered a competitive,
hard-hitting and business-orientedCopy !req
201. independent tribunal and enquiry service.Copy !req
202. Which is wholly owned
and run by your son Geoffrey.Copy !req
203. As it happens, yes.Copy !req
204. Who is five months old.Copy !req
205. Five and a half months old.Copy !req
206. Geoffrey put together a most attractive bid.
I was proud of the lad.Copy !req
207. Mmm.Copy !req
208. Geoffrey's mother, however, is not your wife,
but your secretary, Ms Valerie Jethcott.Copy !req
209. Yes, the sexual service that my wife
was offering was inefficient,Copy !req
210. old-fashioned, cumbersome and,
especially after the birth of our first children,Copy !req
211. overstretched and with a tendency
to too much waist.Copy !req
212. I decided to contract out
my sexual requirementsCopy !req
213. and put them out for competitive tender
in the marketplace.Copy !req
214. My secretary, Valerie, offered
a sexual service that was faster,Copy !req
215. tighter, certainly, more efficient, streamlined
and slimmed-down than my wife's.Copy !req
216. I thought you stood for family values
and clean living.Copy !req
217. –“Cleansed” living.
–Cleansed living.Copy !req
218. In your electoral literature, for instance, you
promised to come down hard on homosexuals.Copy !req
219. Since I've been in office,
I've spent a great deal of money and energyCopy !req
220. coming down very hard
indeed on homosexuals.Copy !req
221. To return to financial matters, Mr Wade,
do you think it is appropriateCopy !req
222. that in these very lean times—
–In these very “leanse” times.Copy !req
223. Whatever.Copy !req
224. The point is, you have been accused
of making a lot of money from being a councillor.Copy !req
225. Oh, yes, there we have it, don't we?
There we have it. “Accused”.Copy !req
226. Suddenly it's a crime to make money.Copy !req
227. This is an attitude
I have to do deal with every day, nowadays.Copy !req
228. Well, I'm sorry.
When I grew up, “profit” was not a dirty word.Copy !req
229. “Arse” was a dirty word.Copy !req
230. “Scrotum” and “titty” were pretty dirty words, too.
But “profit” wasn't.Copy !req
231. And I have to tell you
that I'm not ashamed of graft,Copy !req
232. of sheer bloody hard graft,
or is “graft” a dirty word as well now?Copy !req
233. Like “botty” and “helmet”.Copy !req
234. I think we have heard
more than enough, Councillor.Copy !req
235. This may be an informal
hearing, but frankly, I…Copy !req
236. I think we're all agreed, don't you?
–Yeah.Copy !req
237. –Yeah?
–No questions, it's all there.Copy !req
238. Mmm-hmm. Good.Copy !req
239. Kenneth Wade, your name
will now go forwardCopy !req
240. as that of our officially adopted parliamentary
candidate for the Grangely constituency.Copy !req
241. Congratulations, Ken.
–Oh, thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
242. –Long live Britain.
–God save the queens.Copy !req
243. Oh, the stuff I deal with, it's
mostly small stuff. You know,Copy !req
244. car stereos, that kind of thing.Copy !req
245. Look, I'll get you something
bigger if you want it.Copy !req
246. If history has taught us one thing,Copy !req
247. it has taught us that
the Battle of Agincourt was in 1415.Copy !req
248. Well, I mean, you know,
these, these, uh… These…Copy !req
249. They just come over here and sponge,
don't they? You know, these queers.Copy !req
250. These sponging queers come
over here and sign on the dole.Copy !req
251. Or is that black people?Copy !req
252. I don't know. I get so
confused sometimes, I…Copy !req
253. I was hit on the head as a child, you see.Copy !req
254. I'm afraid weight
has been a perennial problem with me.Copy !req
255. I've tried all the diets,
I tried the Hip and Thigh Diet.Copy !req
256. And that was…
It didn't work for me at all,Copy !req
257. because I've always hated the taste
of thighs, even when well-done.Copy !req
258. Yeah, phone sex is good.
I like that, phone sex.Copy !req
259. At least you never have
to ring them the next day.Copy !req
260. It's red, it's shiny, it's instantly desirable
and it's remarkably cheap.Copy !req
261. Only one drawback, it doesn't yet exist.
We wondered, why not?Copy !req
262. Douglas Hurd has been Foreign Secretary
now for a record five years.Copy !req
263. If anyone knows, it'll be Gordon
Wade of Market Soundings PLC.Copy !req
264. Gordon, it's red, it's shiny, everyone
wants one, it needn't cost a fortune,Copy !req
265. and it isn't tested on animals.
But it doesn't exist.Copy !req
266. What's going on?
–I don't know.Copy !req
267. I'm sorry, it should exist, I know that,
all I can say is that we are working on it.Copy !req
268. Mmm-hmm. Have you settled
on a name for it yet?Copy !req
269. Not as of yet, although the project does have
a working title.Copy !req
270. There's just time to ask you, what is it?Copy !req
271. –The name at the moment is Mark Bannister.
–Mark Bannister. Price?Copy !req
272. About £3.50, we hope,
but it could go as high as 90,000.Copy !req
273. –£90,000?
–Yes. Rather depends on what it does, you see,Copy !req
274. and how much it costs to make it.
But these, of course, are just details.Copy !req
275. I see, I see. The basic message so far is that
you are going ahead,Copy !req
276. we might expect to see
Mark Bannisters in our shops pretty soon.Copy !req
277. –Pretty soon.
–Fair answer. My colleague, it's over to you.Copy !req
278. –Well, as you can see that is quite a total.
–Thanks so much.Copy !req
279. Let's see if we can't get it over five million
in our telephone quizline quiz.Copy !req
280. –Stephen, off you go.
–Thanks, David.Copy !req
281. Was it…Copy !req
282. Or C, the athlete and fast
record-breaking fast-miler,Copy !req
283. Sir Roger “Four Minute” Bannister,
the famous runner?Copy !req
284. If you think you know the answer, you could
qualify for being one of the peopleCopy !req
285. who got the answer right.Copy !req
286. All your calls will be charged
at £400 a second.Copy !req
287. And do remember that all the money,Copy !req
288. the moment you call,
goes directly to British Telecom.Copy !req
289. That's right.Copy !req
290. BT uses only recorded voices
and employs no operators or staff,Copy !req
291. so there's no wasteful expenditure
on salaries and employment.Copy !req
292. The money goes directly where it's needed,
to men like Phillip.Copy !req
293. Phillip is on the board
of British Telecom,Copy !req
294. for which he receives
just £84,000 a year.Copy !req
295. To pay for Phillip's three homes,
his six cars,Copy !req
296. his yacht and his helicopter
with en suite cocaine habit,Copy !req
297. Phillip desperately relies
on the yearly dividend payoutCopy !req
298. from his British Telecom shares.Copy !req
299. Last year, your calls to our quizlines
were kind enough to give PhillipCopy !req
300. nearly £400,000 in dividends.Copy !req
301. But this year, Phillip needs even more.Copy !req
302. So do call. And if you don't call, do call.Copy !req
303. –But do call.
–And if you don't, do please call.Copy !req
304. But do call, even if you don't.Copy !req
305. Doesn't matter if you don't
know the answer, just call.Copy !req
306. –Call.
–Call anybody.Copy !req
307. –About anything.
–Just call.Copy !req
308. For Phillip's sake.Copy !req
309. Call.Copy !req
310. Favourite film?Copy !req
311. Um, well, what's that one with that
poor man who looks like an elephant?Copy !req
312. What's his name? Oh,
you know, Colin Welland.Copy !req
313. Yeah, those dickheads in the Council,
they got this noise pollution squad.Copy !req
314. I rang them up to complain about my neighbour
who plays music, well, he calls it music,Copy !req
315. all night, 3:00 in the morning.Copy !req
316. They fined me 50 quid
for shouting down the phone.Copy !req
317. Well, what I think's funny
is the way they say “watershed”.Copy !req
318. You know, they say things like,
“You can't say 'tit' till after the 9:00 watershed.”Copy !req
319. Well, who keeps water in a shed,
and what's that got to do with tits?Copy !req
320. What you got in there?Copy !req
321. –I'm sorry?
–What you got in there, I wonder?Copy !req
322. Uh, a cat.Copy !req
323. You got a mog in there, have you?
Got a kitty-puss?Copy !req
324. Lovely. This is Clover, my dachssie.Copy !req
325. I've always had dachssies,
I like smooth-coated dachssies best.Copy !req
326. –Really? Is that right?
–Mmm.Copy !req
327. So what sort of mogwog
is your kitty-puss? Hmm?Copy !req
328. Is it a tapples, or a tumtum, or what?Copy !req
329. –Burmese.
–Aw, a burmie. I love a burmie.Copy !req
330. Is it a girl or a boy burmie?Copy !req
331. Oh, Christ. Uh… It's, uh… It's male.Copy !req
332. Hello, Mr Burmie. What's your name, then?Copy !req
333. Yes, he can't speak, actually.Copy !req
334. Ah, but they can understand
every word you say, can't they?Copy !req
335. Not much evidence for that.Copy !req
336. My first dachssie, my first ever dachssie,
was called Scully.Copy !req
337. I named him after Hugh Scully,
who presents the Antiques Roadshow.Copy !req
338. I love that programme, don't you?Copy !req
339. Pervertedly.Copy !req
340. Do you know what I do of a Sunday?Copy !req
341. Every day, after we've had our walk,Copy !req
342. 'cause Clover and I
always go walkums of a Sunday…Copy !req
343. Well, you know, just Clover and me,
and of course my little pooper-scooper.Copy !req
344. Because that nasty parky man doesn't like to see
poochie-poop on his best grass, does he?Copy !req
345. –No, so…
–Oh, Christ.Copy !req
346. And, of course, I don't like to see poochie-poop
on my best carpet,Copy !req
347. and if I do, Clover knows she can expect
a visit from the smack fairy.Copy !req
348. So, we come back,Copy !req
349. and I make myself
a cheese and tommy-toe toasty.Copy !req
350. A what?Copy !req
351. A cheese and what?Copy !req
352. Tommy-toe, tommy-toe, tommy-toe.Copy !req
353. –Tomato.
–Tommy-toe.Copy !req
354. –Tommy-toe…
–Don't say it again.Copy !req
355. I make myself a cheese and tommy-toe
toasty, sometimes two toasties,Copy !req
356. and an old muggins of tea,Copy !req
357. and I just snudge it down
in front of the televisionCopy !req
358. and I watch the Roadshow.
I love my Sunday afternoonies.Copy !req
359. Jesus. God, help.Copy !req
360. And, of course, if it isn't the
Roadshow, it might be that animal
programme with Desmond.Copy !req
361. Desmond Morris.Copy !req
362. Ah, yes, but we call him Desmond
in our household,Copy !req
363. 'cause he's like a friend,
he's like an old chum, is Desmond.Copy !req
364. Or we might watch MasterChef
with Loydie,Copy !req
365. or the Clothesie Show
with Jeff Banksie-Wanksie.Copy !req
366. We love our Sunday afties,
don't we, Clover?Copy !req
367. So, what's wrong with Mr Burmie?Copy !req
368. –What?
–Mr Burmie.Copy !req
369. Why has he come in to see vetiloo,
has he got a poorly tums?Copy !req
370. Did you just say “vetiloo”?Copy !req
371. Sore throatie?Copy !req
372. Hmm? What's the matter with Mr Burmie?Copy !req
373. I've brought him in to be killed.Copy !req
374. Excusie?Copy !req
375. He's got cancer of the liver,
I've brought him in to be put to death.Copy !req
376. –Cancer?
–Yes.Copy !req
377. –Cancer of the liver?
–Yes.Copy !req
378. –Cancie-wancie?
–Oh, God!Copy !req
379. Have you got cancie-didlies then,
have you, Mr Burmie?Copy !req
380. You going to be put to deathies, are you?Copy !req
381. Is your little heart going to be made
to stoppie-wop-wop?Copy !req
382. Are they going to go killie chum-chums?Copy !req
383. Are they going to put your coldie-woldie body-wod
in the groundie-wound, are they? Eh?Copy !req
384. Clover?Copy !req
385. Yeah?Copy !req
386. What can I do for you?Copy !req
387. I'd like to have this man
put down, please.Copy !req
388. You low, corrosive lump of fæcal horror,
you maniac bastardly turd,Copy !req
389. I would rather drink stale urine
from Norman Fowler's arse-pitCopy !req
390. than remain one moment more
in your defiling company.Copy !req
391. You're filth, you're cack, you're the ooze
of a burst boil, I abominate you,Copy !req
392. you towering mound of corrupted slime.Copy !req
393. Your every utterance is like the slithering hiss
of a fat maggotCopy !req
394. in the putrid guts of a decomposing rat.Copy !req
395. Your face is fouler
than the unwiped inner ring of Satan's rectum!Copy !req
396. Have a cream slice.Copy !req
397. Thanks.Copy !req
398. Blimey, they've been up there long enough.Copy !req
399. –Oh, good.
–What?Copy !req
400. Well, if they hadn't been up there long enough,
they'd have to go up there again.Copy !req
401. Silly going up twice, all those stairs.
–Are you drunk?Copy !req
402. –Thanks very much, lovely cup of tea, ta.
–LAURIE: Very nice piece of shortbread, too.Copy !req
403. –Well?
–Well, yes. Now, as you suggested,Copy !req
404. there is evidence
of your having wasps up in your attic.Copy !req
405. –Wasps?
–Wasps.Copy !req
406. Wasps.Copy !req
407. “Evidence”, he said,
“Evidence of wasps in the attic.”Copy !req
408. What sort of evidence?Copy !req
409. –Shall I?
–Go ahead.Copy !req
410. Yeah, well, the evidence breaks down
neatly into three parts:Copy !req
411. firstly, there are two wasps' nests up there,Copy !req
412. secondly, there are a lot of wasps up there,Copy !req
413. and thirdly, my associate swears, and
I've never known him to be wrong yet,Copy !req
414. swears he heard some buzzing.Copy !req
415. –Buzzing?
–Not loud, but loud enough.Copy !req
416. –I see.
–So what are we to do?Copy !req
417. Uh… Will you?Copy !req
418. Well, we can play this any number of ways.
We can pretend it never happened,Copy !req
419. simply walk away, just go home,Copy !req
420. have a nice hot meal, watch a bit of television,
go to bed,Copy !req
421. get up in the morning, brush our teeth,
come down, have breakfast…Copy !req
422. –Yeah, I think, I think…
–Well, I'm just painting the picture.Copy !req
423. –Fair enough.
–Right, that's option one.Copy !req
424. –Option two is we can get rid of them.
–Oh, I think we should get rid of them. Don't you?Copy !req
425. Oh, yeah. Get rid of them.Copy !req
426. –The wasps?
–MOORE: The wasps.Copy !req
427. –The wasps!
–LAURIE: The wasps.Copy !req
428. Option two.Copy !req
429. Yeah. Well, I should point out that option two
does carry with it a portion of risk.Copy !req
430. You see, wasps…Copy !req
431. Well, you know, wasps are tricky things.Copy !req
432. Boy, ain't that the truth.Copy !req
433. You know, a wasp isn't a thing
you can just get rid of.Copy !req
434. There you spoke a mouthful.Copy !req
435. Yeah, you know, you can't just
wave a magic wand over a waspCopy !req
436. and hope that it'll just go away.
–How much easier our lives would be if you could.Copy !req
437. Yeah, no, what you got to do is,
you gotta get inside the wasp's mind,Copy !req
438. learn what makes him happy,
what makes him sad.Copy !req
439. What are his wants, what are his fears?
Learn to think how a wasp thinks.Copy !req
440. And how do wasps think?Copy !req
441. Oh, I don't suppose we'll ever
really know the answer to that.Copy !req
442. Nah, no, no. We can guess.Copy !req
443. Oh, we could guess, yeah,
but understand them,Copy !req
444. really understand a wasp,
not in our lifetime.Copy !req
445. No, we're just poking around in the dark,
to be honest.Copy !req
446. Whistling in the wind.Copy !req
447. –Yeah. We don't even know how little we know.
–Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
448. But you can get rid of them?Copy !req
449. –Oh, we can get rid of them!
–Oh, yeah, that's no problem.Copy !req
450. –Yeah, yeah. If that's what you want.
–If that's what you want.Copy !req
451. –Yes.
–If you wanna just turn away and carry onCopy !req
452. with your cosy, comfortable lives…
–Cut off one more link with the natural world…Copy !req
453. Nail up the gate into the secret garden.Copy !req
454. Watch another star wink its final wink
and fade into the inky blackness.Copy !req
455. –What do you reckon?
–Oh, well, they can't do any harm, can they?Copy !req
456. –They can sting you. They will sting you.
–Oh, they will sting you, yes.Copy !req
457. Oh, all right then, leave them be.Copy !req
458. –You sure?
–If you are.Copy !req
459. –Oh, I'm sure.
–That'll be £87.50, please.Copy !req
460. My associate, I do believe we have done
a beautiful thing here.Copy !req
461. I do believe we have,
and it's got nothing to do with wasps.Copy !req
462. Well, welcome
to the back end of the pantomime camelCopy !req
463. that has been tonight's edition
of A Bit of Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
464. Little hand is already pointing at “good”,
and the big hand will soon be pointing at “bye”.Copy !req
465. We know what that means, don't we?Copy !req
466. –Hugh.
–What?Copy !req
467. One more squeak out of you, I'm going
to tear your guts out and stamp on your colon.Copy !req
468. I do ask for it sometimes.Copy !req
469. But there is just enough time,
you'll be horrified to know,Copy !req
470. for me to turn
to our oh-so-welcome hospitality customersCopy !req
471. and to ask them to gaze
down at the cocktail menu and tell me what isCopy !req
472. and will be their choice of farewell cocktail.Copy !req
473. –Hmm. Well…
–Oh.Copy !req
474. –Ooh, I think…
–Yeah, no, but have you seen that one? I mean…Copy !req
475. Do please let us know, Mr Music and I are
very much on the edge of our tempers,Copy !req
476. isn't that right?
–That's as right as you know,Copy !req
477. and then just a little bit righter than that.Copy !req
478. So can we have your votes, Zurich, please.Copy !req
479. I think we'd like to go
for the Swinging Ball Sack, please.Copy !req
480. You have chosen the Swinging Ball Sack.Copy !req
481. Well, for a properly prepared
Swinging Ball Sack,Copy !req
482. you'll need four shots of tequila,Copy !req
483. an item of gin,Copy !req
484. one shot of pure-grain
heroin cut lengthways,Copy !req
485. two measures of self-raising sugar
and one of carbonated,Copy !req
486. some freshly-milled tungstenCopy !req
487. and to garnish,Copy !req
488. six nipple hairs plucked
from a cabinet minister,Copy !req
489. it doesn't matter which, but in this instance
I'm using Virginia Bottomley's.Copy !req
490. And as I prepare your Swinging Ball Sacks,
I ask this question,Copy !req
491. in accordance with known principles,Copy !req
492. please, Mr Music, will you play?Copy !req
493. Soupy twist.Copy !req