1. I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker.
Anything. I just dunk anything.Copy !req
2. My husband says I'd dunk my own name
if it wasn't stitched on.Copy !req
3. You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in…
–(MUTTERING)Copy !req
4. –Hmm?
–(STAMMERING) You're…Copy !req
5. doing one of those repeats, I suppose,
are you? Filming more of those repeats.Copy !req
6. You know…Copy !req
7. I suppose this is what I pay
my licence fee for, is it?Copy !req
8. To keep you lot in jeans and heroin.
Hmm.Copy !req
9. –And then I—
–It's rather irritating, you know.Copy !req
10. I'm trying to get through
here, and you're…Copy !req
11. There's no room.Copy !req
12. No, there's no room.
I want to walk through here…Copy !req
13. I might… Look, you see?Copy !req
14. Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it?Copy !req
15. No, because you're all…
You're all right, aren't you?Copy !req
16. In your jeans and your leather jackets,
and your… opinions.Copy !req
17. When I said… I like to dunk a lot of things,Copy !req
18. just dunk, anything, really. And, um… Oh.Copy !req
19. I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
A very stiff letter…Copy !req
20. on cardboard.Copy !req
21. –I expect you get a lot of this, do you?
–And I shall post it, too.Copy !req
22. (WHISPERING)
Between desire and reality.Copy !req
23. A bit.Copy !req
24. Between fact and breakfast,Copy !req
25. madness lies, lies, lies…Copy !req
26. A bit.Copy !req
27. I hate you, I hate you and yet…Copy !req
28. I hate you…Copy !req
29. As love, rage and aches of the ear.Copy !req
30. Pretension by Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
31. Ladies and…Copy !req
32. Ladies, uh…Copy !req
33. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
34. Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue à
Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.Copy !req
35. Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootkaCopy !req
36. Fry stink Laurie.Copy !req
37. Lars pebble finger hat,
ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.Copy !req
38. Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip,Copy !req
39. Fry hidden Laurie.Copy !req
40. –That's a lovely accent.
–Thank you. Thank you.Copy !req
41. Is that from a tape or…Copy !req
42. No, no, I used to live there in the '70s.Copy !req
43. –I thought so, I thought so.
–Mmm, mmm.Copy !req
44. Well, anyway, that's enough verbal
frotting for the time being.Copy !req
45. It's easy to say, you know,
that the next half hourCopy !req
46. will soon be filled
with the sound of good fellowship,Copy !req
47. the laughter of friends,
and the sobbing of children.Copy !req
48. That's right. But what is hard, however what
is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hardCopy !req
49. is to find the words that can adequately
describe our first guest this evening.Copy !req
50. Well, the easiest bit first. She's a man.Copy !req
51. A man of real distinction, born
within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent,Copy !req
52. our first guest has variously been describedCopy !req
53. as the finest classical
murderer of his generation,Copy !req
54. and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love.Copy !req
55. He's the captain of his soul
and the chief petty officer of his destiny,Copy !req
56. and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie
a much-needed injection of heroin.Copy !req
57. He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
–Oh, excellent, I had no idea.Copy !req
58. Hello, Clive.Copy !req
59. Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.Copy !req
60. In fact, this is something of a realisation of
a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.Copy !req
61. My colleague wasn't all that keen
on having you on, but I insisted.Copy !req
62. Really?Copy !req
63. My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.Copy !req
64. –Thank you.
–Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.Copy !req
65. You had a bit of a hard night
last night, I understand.Copy !req
66. –Not really. No.
–No?Copy !req
67. Well, there was something
about you and, you know…Copy !req
68. –What?
–You and a certain actor from EastEnders.Copy !req
69. –Oh, that, well—
–Yeah?Copy !req
70. A certain amount of hell
was raised, I understand?Copy !req
71. Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd
like to blow everything out of all proportion.Copy !req
72. I think in your case,
nature's already done that, Clive.Copy !req
73. But, Clive, tell me. Um, I've met
a number of reformed hell-raisers,Copy !req
74. but I think I'm right in sayingCopy !req
75. you're the first hell-raiser proper
I've ever actually met.Copy !req
76. Tell us about this business of hell-raising,
what's it all about?Copy !req
77. Well, I think it's specifically
a reference to drinking.Copy !req
78. Oh, I see. So, when they say hell-raiser,
they really mean “drunk.”Copy !req
79. –Correct?
–No, I think there's a bit more to it than that.Copy !req
80. –Such as?
–Well,Copy !req
81. being rude to waiters, you know,
upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing.Copy !req
82. Well, something learnt there already,
so when they say hell-raiser,Copy !req
83. they mean, “Old drunk who is rude
to waiters and upsets tables.”Copy !req
84. –I think the idea is that it's quite stylish—
–Stylish!Copy !req
85. Well, you know, amusing.Copy !req
86. Really? Amusing, really?
Well, Stephen, your witness.Copy !req
87. No further questions.Copy !req
88. Relax, Clive, the rapier
is back in its scabbard.Copy !req
89. Well, from sad old drunks who are
rude to waiters and upset tables…Copy !req
90. –Stylishly.
–Always stylishly.Copy !req
91. We move on to our second studio visitor.Copy !req
92. You know, ladies and gentleman,
when Shakespeare wrote the words,Copy !req
93. “Time cannot wither her,
nor custom stale her infinite variety,”Copy !req
94. it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.Copy !req
95. But it's also just possible too
that he was thinking of our next studio guest.Copy !req
96. She's been described as the doyenne of—Copy !req
97. –It's very unlikely.
–Highly unlikely.Copy !req
98. –Why?
–Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.Copy !req
99. He couldn't possibly be talking about her,
they never met, he'd never heard of her…Copy !req
100. Yeah, all right, all right, all right.Copy !req
101. Ladies and gentleman,
when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words,Copy !req
102. “The expanding bullet mushroomed
inside Ullman's thigh,Copy !req
103. splintering bone and tissue,
as if it had been cheap crockery,”Copy !req
104. it's just possible
he was thinking of our next guest.Copy !req
105. –Better. Much better.
–Much better.Copy !req
106. Her friends call her Snutty, but to millions
of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue,Copy !req
107. she is adoringly and affectionately known
as the Cardigan Lady.Copy !req
108. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome,
please ingest, please assimilate gently,Copy !req
109. the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.Copy !req
110. Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,Copy !req
111. Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.Copy !req
112. Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.Copy !req
113. Um, tell us all about your week.
–Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.Copy !req
114. –Mmm. Supermarket openings?
–How did you guess?Copy !req
115. –I didn't.
–Well, you're wrong anyway.Copy !req
116. 'Cause I've never opened
a supermarket in my life.Copy !req
117. Fascinating. Really?Copy !req
118. You never opened a supermarket?
–No.Copy !req
119. I never knew that. But you do make a number
of personal appearances during the courseCopy !req
120. of your weekly week, don't you?
–Yes, yes, that's right.Copy !req
121. I did make a personal appearance yesterday,Copy !req
122. at the hairdresser's,
to get my hair, um, you know…Copy !req
123. –Dressed?
–Dressed, yeah.Copy !req
124. And I also made an appearance
at the bus stop to catch a bus.Copy !req
125. They must take an enormous
amount out of you, these personal appearances.Copy !req
126. Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin
and bear it, though, you know…Copy !req
127. Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.Copy !req
128. My colleague, would you care
to cross-examine?Copy !req
129. –Well, now, Imelda—
–Oh, oh, oh…Copy !req
130. Snutty, please.
–Snutty, I'm so sorry.Copy !req
131. Snutty, um, when you agreed
to come on the show,Copy !req
132. you said that you'd be prepared
to undergo a bit of a challenge.Copy !req
133. –No, no, don't say that, now.
–Oh, no…Copy !req
134. You can't back out of it now,
because if you do, we'll hit you.Copy !req
135. What we want you to do, is to look at this
photograph and provide an amusing caption.Copy !req
136. Photograph is right over there.
So look at it now. Look at it. Look at it!Copy !req
137. –Ooh, uh…
–LAURIE: I'll have to hurry you?Copy !req
138. So it's “Ooh, uh.” Clive, can you do any better
than “Ooh, uh,” do you think?Copy !req
139. Uh, well…Copy !req
140. Hmm.Copy !req
141. So, we've got to choose between
“Ooh, uh” and “Well.”Copy !req
142. Tricky.
–Very tricky, indeed.Copy !req
143. What do you think, my colleague?Copy !req
144. –I think we'll have to call it a draw.
–I think you're right.Copy !req
145. Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned
English-assortment cigar tin from usCopy !req
146. as our… As your prize?Copy !req
147. And, Clive. Please accept this small kiss
on the brow from my colleague.Copy !req
148. Good night.Copy !req
149. Strange man.Copy !req
150. And talking of strange men…Copy !req
151. Oh, well, what I always say is,Copy !req
152. if it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck, shoot it.Copy !req
153. I was christened Gay, you see.Copy !req
154. Um, it was a perfectly
common name in the 1950s,Copy !req
155. but today, well, it has
connotations, doesn't it?Copy !req
156. You know, if you go around saying,
“Hello, I'm Gay.”Copy !req
157. So I went to the Deed Poll placeCopy !req
158. and I changed it to
“Rampantly Homosexual.”Copy !req
159. –Another one please, barman.
–You sure?Copy !req
160. –What?
–No offence, but this will be your seventh.Copy !req
161. –You just keep 'em coming.
–Righto. Your funeral.Copy !req
162. –Bitch.
–Come again?Copy !req
163. –My wife.
–Oh, right, right.Copy !req
164. She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.Copy !req
165. What, Polish or something, is she?Copy !req
166. You ever been…Copy !req
167. You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage
with a woman you despise?Copy !req
168. Not since I was nine.Copy !req
169. Do you like it straight up?Copy !req
170. –What?
–Or with ice?Copy !req
171. –Ice.
–Righto.Copy !req
172. Cocktail onion?
–No, thanks.Copy !req
173. She takes no interest in my friends,
you know. She laughs at my…Copy !req
174. –Peanuts?
–…hobbies.Copy !req
175. –She doesn't even value my…
–Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?Copy !req
176. …career.Copy !req
177. You know, it's just so depressing.Copy !req
178. –All right, so other men have got larger…
–Plums?Copy !req
179. salaries, and better prospects,Copy !req
180. and other men can boast a healthier-looking…
–Stool?Copy !req
181. …lifestyle.Copy !req
182. All right, you know,
so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around.Copy !req
183. You know, but why complain?
Other people are worse off. I've got a job.Copy !req
184. I've got two sweet, rosy…
–Nibbles?Copy !req
185. …children.Copy !req
186. And she's always going on and on and on
about my appearance.Copy !req
187. I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting.Copy !req
188. –You know, I mean frankly she's…
–Plain and prawn-flavoured.Copy !req
189. …she's not as young as
she used to be herself.Copy !req
190. I don't know why I bother with women.
I'd be better off being a…Copy !req
191. –Fruit?
–Well…Copy !req
192. monk or a hermit
or something.Copy !req
193. –At least if I was a…
–Fag?Copy !req
194. At least if I was a monk, you know,
I wouldn't have to put up with women,Copy !req
195. you know… Women going on and on,
who can talk the hind leg off a…Copy !req
196. –Camel?
–…donkey, you know.Copy !req
197. The trouble is, I couldn't live without women.Copy !req
198. You know, in a monastery
the best you can hope for is a bit of…Copy !req
199. Chocolate Hobnob?Copy !req
200. …peace and spirituality.Copy !req
201. I mean, let's face it,
we haven't slept together for years.Copy !req
202. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of…
–Savoury finger?Copy !req
203. …a bit of a…Copy !req
204. …bit of a cuddle at Christmas.Copy !req
205. And, naturally, she won't let
me give her so much as a…Copy !req
206. Good juicy tongue in the back passage.Copy !req
207. as a peck on the cheek.Copy !req
208. I tell you… I tell you, the trouble with
that woman, is that she's just a…Copy !req
209. Rather disgusting-looking tart
that should have been disposed of ages ago?Copy !req
210. She…Copy !req
211. I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.Copy !req
212. Well, one more for the road I think, barman.
–Certainly. Anything to go with it?Copy !req
213. Bag of oral sex, if you've got one.Copy !req
214. and pants first. Always
pants first. Then socks.Copy !req
215. Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie,Copy !req
216. possibly a hat,Copy !req
217. but only if I'm really hungry.Copy !req
218. It's funny, we had this thrush
outside our bedroom window,Copy !req
219. and it kept us awake for weeks.Copy !req
220. So, in the end, I got up
and poured natural yoghurt all over it.Copy !req
221. –Hello, Julie.
–Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on.Copy !req
222. Uh, no, ta. Um, Julie, there's
something I wanted to tell you.Copy !req
223. Oh, well, can't it wait?
Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.Copy !req
224. –Oh, not really, no.
–Oh, well, make it quick then.Copy !req
225. –Yeah, well, I'm trying.
–Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.Copy !req
226. Yeah, but it's not easy.Copy !req
227. Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.Copy !req
228. No, look, hold on, love.
This is important.Copy !req
229. –Important?
–Yeah.Copy !req
230. You see, the thing is this. I've—
–Bill!Copy !req
231. –Sorry, am I…
–No, no, it's all right.Copy !req
232. No, Frank was going to
tell me something importantCopy !req
233. but I've got to pick
Rebecca up at 4:00. So…Copy !req
234. Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like.Copy !req
235. –You sure?
–Yeah.Copy !req
236. Yeah, no problem. What time?
–Uh, 4:00.Copy !req
237. –Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
–I know.Copy !req
238. –Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
–Well, kettle's on.Copy !req
239. No thanks, treacle.Copy !req
240. Look, I better get a move on
so I'll make it by 4:00.Copy !req
241. Oh, thanks.Copy !req
242. –All right, see you, sis.
–See ya.Copy !req
243. Now then, what's so important?
–Well…Copy !req
244. –Kettle's on, by the way.
–No, thanks, no.Copy !req
245. –You sure? Won't take a minute.
–No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie…Copy !req
246. –Sorry, am I…?
–What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right?Copy !req
247. –Oh, fine—
–No, tell me, what's happened?Copy !req
248. Nothing's happened.Copy !req
249. It's just—
–What?Copy !req
250. Well, where am I going
to pick her up from?Copy !req
251. –Oh, Rebecca?
–Yeah.Copy !req
252. –Tony's.
–Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah.Copy !req
253. What time?
–I said 4:00.Copy !req
254. Oh, blimey.Copy !req
255. I'd better make a move
or I might not make it by 4:00.Copy !req
256. Now then…Copy !req
257. Let's have that tea.
–Uh, no, not for me.Copy !req
258. –You sure? Kettle's on.
–No, really…Copy !req
259. –Two seconds. Warm the pot…
–No…Copy !req
260. –…couple of tea bags…
–Julie.Copy !req
261. What?Copy !req
262. –Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea.
–Ooh.Copy !req
263. Now, this big important
thing that can't wait…Copy !req
264. Well, it's not very easy,
love, 'cause the thing is—Copy !req
265. –Sugar?
–Uh, yeah, two. Thanks.Copy !req
266. Look, we've known each other
for some time, haven't we?Copy !req
267. Yeah.Copy !req
268. I suppose what I'm trying
to say is this, I've been—Copy !req
269. Either of you two seen Bill?Copy !req
270. –Bill?
–Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.Copy !req
271. No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.Copy !req
272. –What time?
- 9:00.Copy !req
273. - 9:00?
–Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.Copy !req
274. - 4:00?
- 4:00.Copy !req
275. –Sure?
–Sure. He'll be back in a minute.Copy !req
276. Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it?Copy !req
277. Conservative. Sorry. There it is.Copy !req
278. Yes?Copy !req
279. Ah, well, now… I'm…Copy !req
280. I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool
don't-know, really.Copy !req
281. (STAMMERING)
Well, yeah, you see I got this system.Copy !req
282. I mean, I know people say there's
no such thing as a perfect system,Copy !req
283. but, yeah, mine's pretty good.Copy !req
284. What happens is, I vote
Conservative in elections,Copy !req
285. and if there isn't an election, I vote
Labour. And that seems to work.Copy !req
286. I'm one of those, um…
One of those ones that…Copy !req
287. Oh, what are they called?
The people who change their minds all the time.Copy !req
288. An archetypal…Copy !req
289. Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who
votes first this way and then that way…Copy !req
290. “Something” voter. That's what I am.Copy !req
291. You know, with the pace of modern life
being what it is,Copy !req
292. it's sometimes hard, isn't it,
to make time for the simple things,Copy !req
293. like masturbation,
and brewing a really good pot of tea,Copy !req
294. because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we,
by the “instant” merchants:Copy !req
295. instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair,Copy !req
296. instant devolution of power
to local governmentCopy !req
297. through the channels of tariff reform and
the implementation of local weighting measures.Copy !req
298. Well, to help you slow down and make time,
I'm going to get Snutty hereCopy !req
299. to take us through
the traditional way to makeCopy !req
300. a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong,
hot-warming, but not hotting,Copy !req
301. good-fresh, fresh-good tea. Good. Snuts.Copy !req
302. Well, the first step is to warm the pot.Copy !req
303. Well, priceless piece of advice
right there, ladies and gentleman.Copy !req
304. Next, find yourself an area of soil,Copy !req
305. not less than two metres square,
preferably south-facing,Copy !req
306. where you can plant a tea plant.Copy !req
307. And that's where
we get tea from, is it?Copy !req
308. Sorry?Copy !req
309. From the tea plant,
that's where we get tea from, is it?Copy !req
310. No, that's where we get
cups and saucers.Copy !req
311. Having…Copy !req
312. Having planted a tea plant, you're looking
at a number of years, perhaps three,Copy !req
313. before the Bush is strong enough to yield
a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves.Copy !req
314. Mmm! Can hardly wait.Copy !req
315. –Hugh?
–Yes?Copy !req
316. Would you be a love
and fetch my secateurs?Copy !req
317. –Secateurs, right. Where are they?
–At my uncle's house in Carlisle.Copy !req
318. –Okay.
–Thank you.Copy !req
319. So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned
they might be featuring the tea plant.Copy !req
320. So I went ahead and planted one,
and here it is.Copy !req
321. –So I think it would—
–Carlisle?Copy !req
322. Yeah.Copy !req
323. But that's miles away.Copy !req
324. No, no, no, no. Intercity, no time.Copy !req
325. Right.Copy !req
326. So if I tear off a couple
of these leaves, they give off,Copy !req
327. mmm, a fabulous aroma.
–You were absolutely right, no time at all.Copy !req
328. Oh, well done. Well done, well done.Copy !req
329. Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.Copy !req
330. So was there a buffet car?
–Yes, there was, actually. Yes.Copy !req
331. And how was their tea?Copy !req
332. Not bad at all. It was
instant, but you know…Copy !req
333. It's not the same, really, is it?
–As what?Copy !req
334. Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British,
good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good,Copy !req
335. warming-but-not-hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British.Copy !req
336. Right. So, Snutty…
–Yeah.Copy !req
337. –…you've planted your tea plant, all right.
–Mmm-hmm.Copy !req
338. You've waited for three years,
and you've warmed the pot already…Copy !req
339. Yes, now you can see why
you warm the pot first, can't you?Copy !req
340. To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage?Copy !req
341. Well, now we go to
a restaurant or caféCopy !req
342. where they have a reputation for serving
an excellent cup of tea.Copy !req
343. Let's do that now.Copy !req
344. You know, we're not really very interested
in politics, not very adventurous, you know…Copy !req
345. Missionary position's always been
all right for us. So why change?Copy !req
346. People always mock things
that they can't understand.Copy !req
347. That's why they mock
John Major being Prime Minister.Copy !req
348. Nobody can understand
how it happened.Copy !req
349. Went to the theatre the other night,
the National… Our National Theatre…Copy !req
350. Our Royal National Theatre.Copy !req
351. Saw a play. Yes, all right,
it was only a play.Copy !req
352. Oh, brilliant! So now I'm
to be judged and mockedCopy !req
353. and whipped and scorned
because it was only a play, am I?Copy !req
354. It's all right! It was only
a sod-buggering play!Copy !req
355. No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.Copy !req
356. Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry
or any of the big stars.Copy !req
357. Jesus Christ! What do
you want from me, huh?Copy !req
358. Hmm? Hmm?Copy !req
359. I mean, Christ, at least I bother
to get off my fat, wobbling, festering,Copy !req
360. lardy carpet and actually
go to the theatre!Copy !req
361. Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann!Copy !req
362. Well, I mean you just don't—
Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave?Copy !req
363. God! I mean, what is the earthly point
of trying, just for once in your life,Copy !req
364. just trying to make an honest, decent salad
for no other motive other than love,Copy !req
365. and a decent desire,Copy !req
366. without the crudging, arsing thing
coming apart in your hand?Copy !req
367. Anyway, I saw a play there
by Shakespeare, as it happens.Copy !req
368. And so I started thinking. Thinking about…Copy !req
369. Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber!Copy !req
370. Why does it have to be like this?Copy !req
371. I watched television last night.
It was like… It was like staring into a sewer.Copy !req
372. I counted 23 tits, 14 arses, and a thigh.Copy !req
373. Hmm?
(STAMMERING) Well, I mean, why can't theyCopy !req
374. show something on television
that shows you don't have to be dirty?Copy !req
375. Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.Copy !req
376. (IN HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT)
Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty.Copy !req
377. The show that shows
you don't have to be dirty.Copy !req
378. With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist,Copy !req
379. and John, keen to be clean,Copy !req
380. who came through unexpectedly when last week's
finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.Copy !req
381. Tony, I'd like you to start first.Copy !req
382. Would you describe for us, Tony, please,Copy !req
383. the act of fellatio, that's the act,
Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony,Copy !req
384. and I'm sure you must know the rules
by now, without being dirty.Copy !req
385. And your time starts five seconds ago.Copy !req
386. Uh… (CLEARS THROAT) This is an act
that takes place between two people,Copy !req
387. uh, possibly of opposite sexes,
but possibly not…Copy !req
388. Careful, Tony.Copy !req
389. whereby, one of the participants takes
a part of the other participant's personCopy !req
390. into the place where they might
more commonly keep bubblegum, say,Copy !req
391. and proceeds to masticate…Copy !req
392. Oh, Tony, I thought you were
a goner there. You're playing with fire, mind.Copy !req
393. until the other participant arrives
at a state of pleasurable relaxation.Copy !req
394. The second participant then gives
the first participant ten quid and goes home.Copy !req
395. Oh, unbelievable!
Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton?Copy !req
396. Well, John, it's up to you. Now…Copy !req
397. Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods.Copy !req
398. Your time starts… then!Copy !req
399. Well, this is a very necessary
business operation…Copy !req
400. –Tony's challenged.
–He said “business.”Copy !req
401. You did say “business,” John, you did.Copy !req
402. Little bit dirty there.
Minute away but plenty of time to go.Copy !req
403. Operation that has to be carried out if developers
are not to rase our hardwood forests…Copy !req
404. Another challenge from
our reigning champion.Copy !req
405. –The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
–He said… He said “rase.”Copy !req
406. –He did say “rase,” Tony.
–“Rase” is an anagram of “arse.”Copy !req
407. Rase is an anagram of arse,
John, it is, it is, it is.Copy !req
408. So sorry. I'm afraid we have to lose you.
You were keen to be cleanCopy !req
409. but you came up against a man
very much at the top of his form.Copy !req
410. So sorry to say goodbye.
–Oh, piss!Copy !req
411. Tony, you've been in this position before.Copy !req
412. You keep the £800 anyway.
They're yours to keep, as of right.Copy !req
413. No one can take them away from you,
but I'm offering you nowCopy !req
414. another £600, plus an opportunityCopy !req
415. to go into our Don't Be Dirty
daily double with a chance to win £10.Copy !req
416. –I'll go for the daily double.
–I knew you'd say that, Tony.Copy !req
417. You're a sport, quite a sport.Copy !req
418. But do remember that the prizes
that you've won are yours to keep.Copy !req
419. They're yours, yours alone. You're clear on that?
–I am clear on that, Bradley, yes.Copy !req
420. All right. So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.Copy !req
421. All right. Can we have the Don't Be Dirty
daily double categories on the board, please?Copy !req
422. Your categories are: rimming,Copy !req
423. genital torture, and David Vine.Copy !req
424. Now remember, this is a daily double,
so two subjects, Tony.Copy !req
425. I have to hurry you as you take your time.
Just take your time, very quickly.Copy !req
426. Uh, genital torture
and David Vine, please, Bradley.Copy !req
427. Tony…Copy !req
428. You have 30 earth seconds
in which to talkCopy !req
429. about genital torture and David Vine.Copy !req
430. And those 30 seconds, Tony, start…Copy !req
431. Oh, damn, just missed that one.Copy !req
432. Coming up.Copy !req
433. Now!Copy !req
434. Uh, nipple clamps and
scrotal compressorsCopy !req
435. are frequently deployed,
as well as a variety of serrated needlesCopy !req
436. which are inserted
into parts of the bodyCopy !req
437. normally kept inside
pants and vests.Copy !req
438. Presenting various sporting events,
most notably the World Snooker finalsCopy !req
439. from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield,
David Vine combinesCopy !req
440. an easy, relaxed presentational style,
with a clear expertise on the game. He…Copy !req
441. Oh, Tony, Tony! You
said “on the game”!Copy !req
442. Oh, you're dirty, Tony,
and that's a pity.Copy !req
443. I was. I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.Copy !req
444. Only four seconds to go,
and you were dirty.Copy !req
445. Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you lose
all the prizes you won last weekCopy !req
446. and the prizes you won
tonight. They're gone.Copy !req
447. They're not yours, they're lost.
As of right, they're not yours any more.Copy !req
448. I'm afraid you have to repay to us
your travel expensesCopy !req
449. and you leave us empty-handed.Copy !req
450. But, Tony, you knew the risks.
–I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes.Copy !req
451. But tell me this thing, Tony. Have you had
a good time on Don't Be Dirty?Copy !req
452. Have you enjoyed yourself?
Has it been a pleasure?Copy !req
453. It's been a big one, Bradley.Copy !req
454. It's been a really, really big one.
I've pleasured myself hugely.Copy !req
455. Oh, well, that's good to hear.Copy !req
456. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,
we say goodbye. But do remember this.Copy !req
457. –Don't be dirty.
–Don't be dirty.Copy !req
458. Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet timeCopy !req
459. has dealt us another
deadly dog turd, I'm afraid.Copy !req
460. And I look up at the space on the wall
that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clockCopy !req
461. and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time,
I will no longer be able to say,Copy !req
462. “Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie.”Copy !req
463. I can say it now, however.Copy !req
464. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie.Copy !req
465. But not for long.Copy !req
466. –Hugh.
–What?Copy !req
467. I'd be interested to see the memoCopy !req
468. from the Director General that gives
you permission to butt in like that.Copy !req
469. I'm so very sorry.Copy !req
470. I can certainly show you the memo
that tells you to butt out.Copy !req
471. He's quite right.Copy !req
472. Well, now it comes to that time
where I ask our guestsCopy !req
473. to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail
that they would like served to them this evening.Copy !req
474. Lady guest and gentle guest,
faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.Copy !req
475. Well, I want one of each.Copy !req
476. No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump for
the South Seas Vulvic Wart.Copy !req
477. Mmm!Copy !req
478. The South Seas Vulvic Wart.Copy !req
479. Well, for this you will need
two scooped-out melons,Copy !req
480. plenty of ice, some dry London gin,Copy !req
481. check, that should be wet London gin.Copy !req
482. You will need the opening paragraph
of George Eliot's Silas Marner.Copy !req
483. You will need a wedge
of toast for decoration,Copy !req
484. a lump of Cinzano Bianco,
of course, some Cointreau,Copy !req
485. and some photographs of Lech Walesa
attached to cocktail sticks.Copy !req
486. And as I prepare a South Seas
Genital Wart, I say,Copy !req
487. as I like to on these occasions,Copy !req
488. those six refreshing words
that unlock the doorCopy !req
489. to sophisticated evening happiness.Copy !req
490. I say,Copy !req
491. please, Mr Music, will you play?Copy !req
492. Soupy twist.Copy !req