1. I love to dunk. I'm a great dunker.
Anything. I just dunk anything.
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2. My husband says I'd dunk my own name
if it wasn't stitched on.
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3. You know, in tea, or in coffee, or in…
–(MUTTERING)
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4. –Hmm?
–(STAMMERING) You're…
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5. doing one of those repeats, I suppose,
are you? Filming more of those repeats.
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6. You know…
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7. I suppose this is what I pay
my licence fee for, is it?
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8. To keep you lot in jeans and heroin.
Hmm.
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9. –And then I—
–It's rather irritating, you know.
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10. I'm trying to get through
here, and you're…
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11. There's no room.
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12. No, there's no room.
I want to walk through here…
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13. I might… Look, you see?
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14. Oh, but that doesn't matter, does it?
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15. No, because you're all…
You're all right, aren't you?
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16. In your jeans and your leather jackets,
and your… opinions.
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17. When I said… I like to dunk a lot of things,
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18. just dunk, anything, really. And, um… Oh.
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19. I'm going to write a very stiff letter.
A very stiff letter…
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20. on cardboard.
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21. –I expect you get a lot of this, do you?
–And I shall post it, too.
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22. (WHISPERING)
Between desire and reality.
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23. A bit.
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24. Between fact and breakfast,
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25. madness lies, lies, lies…
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26. A bit.
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27. I hate you, I hate you and yet…
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28. I hate you…
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29. As love, rage and aches of the ear.
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30. Pretension by Fry and Laurie.
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31. Ladies and…
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32. Ladies, uh…
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33. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
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34. Mesdames et messieurs, bienvenue à
Un Morceau de Fry et Laurie.
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35. Stoat messy bim, goat yenda fent stootka
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36. Fry stink Laurie.
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37. Lars pebble finger hat,
ply bo hen Fry shat Laurie.
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38. Thar mattadatta, polipwippip nipsip,
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39. Fry hidden Laurie.
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40. –That's a lovely accent.
–Thank you. Thank you.
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41. Is that from a tape or…
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42. No, no, I used to live there in the '70s.
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43. –I thought so, I thought so.
–Mmm, mmm.
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44. Well, anyway, that's enough verbal
frotting for the time being.
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45. It's easy to say, you know,
that the next half hour
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46. will soon be filled
with the sound of good fellowship,
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47. the laughter of friends,
and the sobbing of children.
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48. That's right. But what is hard, however what
is painfully, grindingly, thigh-suckingly hard
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49. is to find the words that can adequately
describe our first guest this evening.
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50. Well, the easiest bit first. She's a man.
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51. A man of real distinction, born
within moaning distance of Sevenoaks in Kent,
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52. our first guest has variously been described
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53. as the finest classical
murderer of his generation,
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54. and also as the Jilly Cooper of anal love.
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55. He's the captain of his soul
and the chief petty officer of his destiny,
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56. and he brings to A Bit of Fry and Laurie
a much-needed injection of heroin.
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57. He is, of course, Clive Mantle.
–Oh, excellent, I had no idea.
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58. Hello, Clive.
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59. Now, Clive, this is very exciting for me.
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60. In fact, this is something of a realisation of
a lifelong ambition, as far as I'm concerned.
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61. My colleague wasn't all that keen
on having you on, but I insisted.
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62. Really?
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63. My colleague will have his little joke.
No, sincerely, a great pleasure, Clive.
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64. –Thank you.
–Now, Clive, tell us what you've been up to.
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65. You had a bit of a hard night
last night, I understand.
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66. –Not really. No.
–No?
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67. Well, there was something
about you and, you know…
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68. –What?
–You and a certain actor from EastEnders.
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69. –Oh, that, well—
–Yeah?
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70. A certain amount of hell
was raised, I understand?
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71. Uh, you know what the press are like, they'd
like to blow everything out of all proportion.
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72. I think in your case,
nature's already done that, Clive.
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73. But, Clive, tell me. Um, I've met
a number of reformed hell-raisers,
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74. but I think I'm right in saying
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75. you're the first hell-raiser proper
I've ever actually met.
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76. Tell us about this business of hell-raising,
what's it all about?
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77. Well, I think it's specifically
a reference to drinking.
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78. Oh, I see. So, when they say hell-raiser,
they really mean “drunk.”
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79. –Correct?
–No, I think there's a bit more to it than that.
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80. –Such as?
–Well,
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81. being rude to waiters, you know,
upsetting the odd table, that sort of thing.
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82. Well, something learnt there already,
so when they say hell-raiser,
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83. they mean, “Old drunk who is rude
to waiters and upsets tables.”
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84. –I think the idea is that it's quite stylish—
–Stylish!
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85. Well, you know, amusing.
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86. Really? Amusing, really?
Well, Stephen, your witness.
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87. No further questions.
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88. Relax, Clive, the rapier
is back in its scabbard.
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89. Well, from sad old drunks who are
rude to waiters and upset tables…
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90. –Stylishly.
–Always stylishly.
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91. We move on to our second studio visitor.
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92. You know, ladies and gentleman,
when Shakespeare wrote the words,
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93. “Time cannot wither her,
nor custom stale her infinite variety,”
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94. it's possible he was thinking of Cleopatra.
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95. But it's also just possible too
that he was thinking of our next studio guest.
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96. She's been described as the doyenne of—
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97. –It's very unlikely.
–Highly unlikely.
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98. –Why?
–Well, she was born centuries after Shakespeare.
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99. He couldn't possibly be talking about her,
they never met, he'd never heard of her…
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100. Yeah, all right, all right, all right.
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101. Ladies and gentleman,
when Jeffrey Archer wrote the words,
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102. “The expanding bullet mushroomed
inside Ullman's thigh,
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103. splintering bone and tissue,
as if it had been cheap crockery,”
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104. it's just possible
he was thinking of our next guest.
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105. –Better. Much better.
–Much better.
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106. Her friends call her Snutty, but to millions
of fans of the Littlewoods Catalogue,
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107. she is adoringly and affectionately known
as the Cardigan Lady.
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108. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome,
please ingest, please assimilate gently,
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109. the manifold delights of Imelda Staunton.
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110. Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
Imelda, Imelda, Imelda,
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111. Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda, Imelda.
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112. Imelda, Snutty, Snutty.
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113. Um, tell us all about your week.
–Oh, well, it's been frantic, Stephen.
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114. –Mmm. Supermarket openings?
–How did you guess?
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115. –I didn't.
–Well, you're wrong anyway.
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116. 'Cause I've never opened
a supermarket in my life.
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117. Fascinating. Really?
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118. You never opened a supermarket?
–No.
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119. I never knew that. But you do make a number
of personal appearances during the course
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120. of your weekly week, don't you?
–Yes, yes, that's right.
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121. I did make a personal appearance yesterday,
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122. at the hairdresser's,
to get my hair, um, you know…
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123. –Dressed?
–Dressed, yeah.
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124. And I also made an appearance
at the bus stop to catch a bus.
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125. They must take an enormous
amount out of you, these personal appearances.
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126. Well, yeah. I've just gotta grin
and bear it, though, you know…
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127. Yes, well, I'd rather you didn't.
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128. My colleague, would you care
to cross-examine?
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129. –Well, now, Imelda—
–Oh, oh, oh…
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130. Snutty, please.
–Snutty, I'm so sorry.
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131. Snutty, um, when you agreed
to come on the show,
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132. you said that you'd be prepared
to undergo a bit of a challenge.
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133. –No, no, don't say that, now.
–Oh, no…
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134. You can't back out of it now,
because if you do, we'll hit you.
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135. What we want you to do, is to look at this
photograph and provide an amusing caption.
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136. Photograph is right over there.
So look at it now. Look at it. Look at it!
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137. –Ooh, uh…
–LAURIE: I'll have to hurry you?
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138. So it's “Ooh, uh.” Clive, can you do any better
than “Ooh, uh,” do you think?
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139. Uh, well…
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140. Hmm.
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141. So, we've got to choose between
“Ooh, uh” and “Well.”
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142. Tricky.
–Very tricky, indeed.
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143. What do you think, my colleague?
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144. –I think we'll have to call it a draw.
–I think you're right.
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145. Imelda, could you accept this old-fashioned
English-assortment cigar tin from us
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146. as our… As your prize?
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147. And, Clive. Please accept this small kiss
on the brow from my colleague.
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148. Good night.
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149. Strange man.
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150. And talking of strange men…
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151. Oh, well, what I always say is,
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152. if it walks like a duck,
quacks like a duck, shoot it.
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153. I was christened Gay, you see.
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154. Um, it was a perfectly
common name in the 1950s,
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155. but today, well, it has
connotations, doesn't it?
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156. You know, if you go around saying,
“Hello, I'm Gay.”
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157. So I went to the Deed Poll place
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158. and I changed it to
“Rampantly Homosexual.”
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159. –Another one please, barman.
–You sure?
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160. –What?
–No offence, but this will be your seventh.
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161. –You just keep 'em coming.
–Righto. Your funeral.
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162. –Bitch.
–Come again?
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163. –My wife.
–Oh, right, right.
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164. She doesn't understand me.
She's never understood me.
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165. What, Polish or something, is she?
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166. You ever been…
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167. You ever been trapped in a loveless marriage
with a woman you despise?
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168. Not since I was nine.
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169. Do you like it straight up?
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170. –What?
–Or with ice?
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171. –Ice.
–Righto.
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172. Cocktail onion?
–No, thanks.
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173. She takes no interest in my friends,
you know. She laughs at my…
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174. –Peanuts?
–…hobbies.
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175. –She doesn't even value my…
–Crinkle-cut cheesy Wotsits?
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176. …career.
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177. You know, it's just so depressing.
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178. –All right, so other men have got larger…
–Plums?
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179. salaries, and better prospects,
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180. and other men can boast a healthier-looking…
–Stool?
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181. …lifestyle.
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182. All right, you know,
so I haven't got loads of cash hanging around.
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183. You know, but why complain?
Other people are worse off. I've got a job.
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184. I've got two sweet, rosy…
–Nibbles?
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185. …children.
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186. And she's always going on and on and on
about my appearance.
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187. I mean, it's not as if she's an oil painting.
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188. –You know, I mean frankly she's…
–Plain and prawn-flavoured.
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189. …she's not as young as
she used to be herself.
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190. I don't know why I bother with women.
I'd be better off being a…
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191. –Fruit?
–Well…
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192. monk or a hermit
or something.
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193. –At least if I was a…
–Fag?
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194. At least if I was a monk, you know,
I wouldn't have to put up with women,
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195. you know… Women going on and on,
who can talk the hind leg off a…
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196. –Camel?
–…donkey, you know.
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197. The trouble is, I couldn't live without women.
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198. You know, in a monastery
the best you can hope for is a bit of…
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199. Chocolate Hobnob?
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200. …peace and spirituality.
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201. I mean, let's face it,
we haven't slept together for years.
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202. You know, the best I can hope for is a bit of…
–Savoury finger?
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203. …a bit of a…
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204. …bit of a cuddle at Christmas.
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205. And, naturally, she won't let
me give her so much as a…
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206. Good juicy tongue in the back passage.
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207. as a peck on the cheek.
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208. I tell you… I tell you, the trouble with
that woman, is that she's just a…
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209. Rather disgusting-looking tart
that should have been disposed of ages ago?
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210. She…
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211. I tell you what it is, she's a complainer.
That's what she is, a complainer.
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212. Well, one more for the road I think, barman.
–Certainly. Anything to go with it?
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213. Bag of oral sex, if you've got one.
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214. and pants first. Always
pants first. Then socks.
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215. Then shoes, trousers, shirt, tie,
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216. possibly a hat,
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217. but only if I'm really hungry.
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218. It's funny, we had this thrush
outside our bedroom window,
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219. and it kept us awake for weeks.
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220. So, in the end, I got up
and poured natural yoghurt all over it.
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221. –Hello, Julie.
–Oh, hello, Frank. Kettle's on.
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222. Uh, no, ta. Um, Julie, there's
something I wanted to tell you.
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223. Oh, well, can't it wait?
Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
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224. –Oh, not really, no.
–Oh, well, make it quick then.
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225. –Yeah, well, I'm trying.
–Only, I've got to pick Rebecca up at 4:00.
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226. Yeah, but it's not easy.
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227. Oh, blimey. Look, it's nearly 4:00 now.
I've got to pick Rebecca up in a minute.
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228. No, look, hold on, love.
This is important.
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229. –Important?
–Yeah.
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230. You see, the thing is this. I've—
–Bill!
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231. –Sorry, am I…
–No, no, it's all right.
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232. No, Frank was going to
tell me something important
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233. but I've got to pick
Rebecca up at 4:00. So…
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234. Well, I'll pick Rebecca up if you like.
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235. –You sure?
–Yeah.
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236. Yeah, no problem. What time?
–Uh, 4:00.
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237. –Oh, blimey, it's nearly 4:00 now.
–I know.
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238. –Well, I'll go and pick her up, then.
–Well, kettle's on.
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239. No thanks, treacle.
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240. Look, I better get a move on
so I'll make it by 4:00.
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241. Oh, thanks.
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242. –All right, see you, sis.
–See ya.
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243. Now then, what's so important?
–Well…
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244. –Kettle's on, by the way.
–No, thanks, no.
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245. –You sure? Won't take a minute.
–No, no, you see, the thing is this, Julie…
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246. –Sorry, am I…?
–What's wrong? What's wrong? Rebecca all right?
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247. –Oh, fine—
–No, tell me, what's happened?
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248. Nothing's happened.
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249. It's just—
–What?
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250. Well, where am I going
to pick her up from?
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251. –Oh, Rebecca?
–Yeah.
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252. –Tony's.
–Oh, Tony's. Great, yeah.
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253. What time?
–I said 4:00.
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254. Oh, blimey.
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255. I'd better make a move
or I might not make it by 4:00.
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256. Now then…
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257. Let's have that tea.
–Uh, no, not for me.
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258. –You sure? Kettle's on.
–No, really…
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259. –Two seconds. Warm the pot…
–No…
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260. –…couple of tea bags…
–Julie.
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261. What?
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262. –Yeah, ta. I'd love a cup of tea.
–Ooh.
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263. Now, this big important
thing that can't wait…
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264. Well, it's not very easy,
love, 'cause the thing is—
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265. –Sugar?
–Uh, yeah, two. Thanks.
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266. Look, we've known each other
for some time, haven't we?
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267. Yeah.
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268. I suppose what I'm trying
to say is this, I've been—
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269. Either of you two seen Bill?
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270. –Bill?
–Yeah, he's supposed to be giving me a lift.
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271. No, he's gone to fetch Rebecca.
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272. –What time?
- 9:00.
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273. - 9:00?
–Oh, no, wait a minute, 4:00.
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274. - 4:00?
- 4:00.
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275. –Sure?
–Sure. He'll be back in a minute.
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276. Oh, I'll hang on then.
Kettle on, is it?
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277. Conservative. Sorry. There it is.
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278. Yes?
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279. Ah, well, now… I'm…
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280. I'm a lifelong, dyed-in-the-wool
don't-know, really.
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281. (STAMMERING)
Well, yeah, you see I got this system.
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282. I mean, I know people say there's
no such thing as a perfect system,
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283. but, yeah, mine's pretty good.
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284. What happens is, I vote
Conservative in elections,
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285. and if there isn't an election, I vote
Labour. And that seems to work.
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286. I'm one of those, um…
One of those ones that…
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287. Oh, what are they called?
The people who change their minds all the time.
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288. An archetypal…
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289. Oh, what's the phrase? Someone who
votes first this way and then that way…
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290. “Something” voter. That's what I am.
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291. You know, with the pace of modern life
being what it is,
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292. it's sometimes hard, isn't it,
to make time for the simple things,
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293. like masturbation,
and brewing a really good pot of tea,
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294. because we're besieged on all sides, aren't we,
by the “instant” merchants:
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295. instant coffee, instant traffic, instant hair,
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296. instant devolution of power
to local government
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297. through the channels of tariff reform and
the implementation of local weighting measures.
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298. Well, to help you slow down and make time,
I'm going to get Snutty here
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299. to take us through
the traditional way to make
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300. a pot of hot-strong, hot-strong-good-strong,
hot-warming, but not hotting,
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301. good-fresh, fresh-good tea. Good. Snuts.
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302. Well, the first step is to warm the pot.
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303. Well, priceless piece of advice
right there, ladies and gentleman.
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304. Next, find yourself an area of soil,
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305. not less than two metres square,
preferably south-facing,
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306. where you can plant a tea plant.
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307. And that's where
we get tea from, is it?
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308. Sorry?
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309. From the tea plant,
that's where we get tea from, is it?
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310. No, that's where we get
cups and saucers.
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311. Having…
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312. Having planted a tea plant, you're looking
at a number of years, perhaps three,
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313. before the Bush is strong enough to yield
a reasonable amount of what we call tea leaves.
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314. Mmm! Can hardly wait.
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315. –Hugh?
–Yes?
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316. Would you be a love
and fetch my secateurs?
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317. –Secateurs, right. Where are they?
–At my uncle's house in Carlisle.
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318. –Okay.
–Thank you.
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319. So, luckily, three years ago, Hugh mentioned
they might be featuring the tea plant.
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320. So I went ahead and planted one,
and here it is.
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321. –So I think it would—
–Carlisle?
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322. Yeah.
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323. But that's miles away.
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324. No, no, no, no. Intercity, no time.
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325. Right.
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326. So if I tear off a couple
of these leaves, they give off,
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327. mmm, a fabulous aroma.
–You were absolutely right, no time at all.
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328. Oh, well done. Well done, well done.
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329. Very good, actually.
They're very good, these.
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330. So was there a buffet car?
–Yes, there was, actually. Yes.
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331. And how was their tea?
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332. Not bad at all. It was
instant, but you know…
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333. It's not the same, really, is it?
–As what?
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334. Same as this good old-fashioned, proper, British,
good-hot, fresh, hot-fresh, good-fresh-good,
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335. warming-but-not-hotting,
good-fresh, fresh-good tea. British.
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336. Right. So, Snutty…
–Yeah.
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337. –…you've planted your tea plant, all right.
–Mmm-hmm.
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338. You've waited for three years,
and you've warmed the pot already…
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339. Yes, now you can see why
you warm the pot first, can't you?
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340. To save time, of course.
So what's the next stage?
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341. Well, now we go to
a restaurant or café
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342. where they have a reputation for serving
an excellent cup of tea.
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343. Let's do that now.
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344. You know, we're not really very interested
in politics, not very adventurous, you know…
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345. Missionary position's always been
all right for us. So why change?
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346. People always mock things
that they can't understand.
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347. That's why they mock
John Major being Prime Minister.
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348. Nobody can understand
how it happened.
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349. Went to the theatre the other night,
the National… Our National Theatre…
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350. Our Royal National Theatre.
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351. Saw a play. Yes, all right,
it was only a play.
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352. Oh, brilliant! So now I'm
to be judged and mocked
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353. and whipped and scorned
because it was only a play, am I?
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354. It's all right! It was only
a sod-buggering play!
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355. No, Eric Cantona wasn't in it.
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356. Nor was Linford Christie or Stephen Hendry
or any of the big stars.
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357. Jesus Christ! What do
you want from me, huh?
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358. Hmm? Hmm?
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359. I mean, Christ, at least I bother
to get off my fat, wobbling, festering,
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360. lardy carpet and actually
go to the theatre!
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361. Suddenly, I'm Adolf Eichmann!
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362. Well, I mean you just don't—
Oh, why won't this frigging tomato behave?
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363. God! I mean, what is the earthly point
of trying, just for once in your life,
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364. just trying to make an honest, decent salad
for no other motive other than love,
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365. and a decent desire,
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366. without the crudging, arsing thing
coming apart in your hand?
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367. Anyway, I saw a play there
by Shakespeare, as it happens.
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368. And so I started thinking. Thinking about…
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369. Oh, damn and blast! This cocking cucumber!
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370. Why does it have to be like this?
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371. I watched television last night.
It was like… It was like staring into a sewer.
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372. I counted 23 tits, 14 arses, and a thigh.
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373. Hmm?
(STAMMERING) Well, I mean, why can't they
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374. show something on television
that shows you don't have to be dirty?
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375. Hmm? You don't have to be dirty.
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376. (IN HEAVY NORTHERN ACCENT)
Hello, and welcome to Don't Be Dirty.
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377. The show that shows
you don't have to be dirty.
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378. With us is Tony, three-times semi-finalist,
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379. and John, keen to be clean,
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380. who came through unexpectedly when last week's
finalist, Mr Nottingham, died in a canoe.
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381. Tony, I'd like you to start first.
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382. Would you describe for us, Tony, please,
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383. the act of fellatio, that's the act,
Tony, of fellatio, without, Tony,
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384. and I'm sure you must know the rules
by now, without being dirty.
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385. And your time starts five seconds ago.
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386. Uh… (CLEARS THROAT) This is an act
that takes place between two people,
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387. uh, possibly of opposite sexes,
but possibly not…
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388. Careful, Tony.
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389. whereby, one of the participants takes
a part of the other participant's person
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390. into the place where they might
more commonly keep bubblegum, say,
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391. and proceeds to masticate…
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392. Oh, Tony, I thought you were
a goner there. You're playing with fire, mind.
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393. until the other participant arrives
at a state of pleasurable relaxation.
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394. The second participant then gives
the first participant ten quid and goes home.
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395. Oh, unbelievable!
Can no one beat this big man from Hunstanton?
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396. Well, John, it's up to you. Now…
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397. Your topic is the preservation of hardwoods.
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398. Your time starts… then!
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399. Well, this is a very necessary
business operation…
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400. –Tony's challenged.
–He said “business.”
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401. You did say “business,” John, you did.
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402. Little bit dirty there.
Minute away but plenty of time to go.
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403. Operation that has to be carried out if developers
are not to rase our hardwood forests…
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404. Another challenge from
our reigning champion.
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405. –The nature of your challenge, Tony, please.
–He said… He said “rase.”
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406. –He did say “rase,” Tony.
–“Rase” is an anagram of “arse.”
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407. Rase is an anagram of arse,
John, it is, it is, it is.
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408. So sorry. I'm afraid we have to lose you.
You were keen to be clean
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409. but you came up against a man
very much at the top of his form.
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410. So sorry to say goodbye.
–Oh, piss!
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411. Tony, you've been in this position before.
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412. You keep the £800 anyway.
They're yours to keep, as of right.
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413. No one can take them away from you,
but I'm offering you now
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414. another £600, plus an opportunity
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415. to go into our Don't Be Dirty
daily double with a chance to win £10.
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416. –I'll go for the daily double.
–I knew you'd say that, Tony.
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417. You're a sport, quite a sport.
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418. But do remember that the prizes
that you've won are yours to keep.
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419. They're yours, yours alone. You're clear on that?
–I am clear on that, Bradley, yes.
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420. All right. So long as you're clear on that.
They're yours, no one else's, just yours.
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421. All right. Can we have the Don't Be Dirty
daily double categories on the board, please?
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422. Your categories are: rimming,
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423. genital torture, and David Vine.
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424. Now remember, this is a daily double,
so two subjects, Tony.
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425. I have to hurry you as you take your time.
Just take your time, very quickly.
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426. Uh, genital torture
and David Vine, please, Bradley.
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427. Tony…
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428. You have 30 earth seconds
in which to talk
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429. about genital torture and David Vine.
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430. And those 30 seconds, Tony, start…
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431. Oh, damn, just missed that one.
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432. Coming up.
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433. Now!
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434. Uh, nipple clamps and
scrotal compressors
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435. are frequently deployed,
as well as a variety of serrated needles
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436. which are inserted
into parts of the body
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437. normally kept inside
pants and vests.
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438. Presenting various sporting events,
most notably the World Snooker finals
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439. from the Crucible Theatre, Sheffield,
David Vine combines
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440. an easy, relaxed presentational style,
with a clear expertise on the game. He…
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441. Oh, Tony, Tony! You
said “on the game”!
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442. Oh, you're dirty, Tony,
and that's a pity.
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443. I was. I was dirty.
Shite, arse, damn.
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444. Only four seconds to go,
and you were dirty.
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445. Tony, I'm so sorry. It means you lose
all the prizes you won last week
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446. and the prizes you won
tonight. They're gone.
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447. They're not yours, they're lost.
As of right, they're not yours any more.
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448. I'm afraid you have to repay to us
your travel expenses
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449. and you leave us empty-handed.
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450. But, Tony, you knew the risks.
–I did, Bradley, yes, I knew the risks, yes.
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451. But tell me this thing, Tony. Have you had
a good time on Don't Be Dirty?
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452. Have you enjoyed yourself?
Has it been a pleasure?
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453. It's been a big one, Bradley.
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454. It's been a really, really big one.
I've pleasured myself hugely.
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455. Oh, well, that's good to hear.
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456. Until next time, ladies and gentlemen,
we say goodbye. But do remember this.
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457. –Don't be dirty.
–Don't be dirty.
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458. Well, that bitch, whore, strumpet time
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459. has dealt us another
deadly dog turd, I'm afraid.
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460. And I look up at the space on the wall
that's covered by the Fry and Laurie clock
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461. and I see that in one-and-a-half minutes' time,
I will no longer be able to say,
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462. “Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie.”
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463. I can say it now, however.
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464. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching
A Bit of Fry and Laurie.
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465. But not for long.
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466. –Hugh.
–What?
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467. I'd be interested to see the memo
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468. from the Director General that gives
you permission to butt in like that.
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469. I'm so very sorry.
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470. I can certainly show you the memo
that tells you to butt out.
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471. He's quite right.
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472. Well, now it comes to that time
where I ask our guests
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473. to tell me the kind, sort, or kind of cocktail
that they would like served to them this evening.
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474. Lady guest and gentle guest,
faites vos choix, s'il vous plaît.
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475. Well, I want one of each.
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476. No, no, no. No, I think we'll plump for
the South Seas Vulvic Wart.
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477. Mmm!
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478. The South Seas Vulvic Wart.
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479. Well, for this you will need
two scooped-out melons,
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480. plenty of ice, some dry London gin,
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481. check, that should be wet London gin.
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482. You will need the opening paragraph
of George Eliot's Silas Marner.
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483. You will need a wedge
of toast for decoration,
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484. a lump of Cinzano Bianco,
of course, some Cointreau,
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485. and some photographs of Lech Walesa
attached to cocktail sticks.
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486. And as I prepare a South Seas
Genital Wart, I say,
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487. as I like to on these occasions,
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488. those six refreshing words
that unlock the door
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489. to sophisticated evening happiness.
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490. I say,
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491. please, Mr Music, will you play?
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492. Soupy twist.
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