1. This programme contains
strong language and adult humour from
the outset.
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2. Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats
Does Countdown,
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3. Sean Lock,
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4. Jon Richardson,
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5. Jack Dee,
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6. James Cordon,
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7. Joe Lycett,
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8. Susie Dent
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9. and Rachel Riley!
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10. Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!
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11. Hello and welcome to
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,
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12. a show all about letters,
numbers and conundrums.
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13. Did you know, for example, in 1996,
Countdown series winner
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14. Adam Acton asked for the CD-ROM of
the dictionary as his prize because
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15. he was a vegan and he didn't approve
of the leather-bound version.
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16. That's right, ladies,
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17. a pedantic vegan Countdown winner
with a CD-ROM of the dictionary.
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18. Form an orderly queue!
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19. Apes use 40 gestures
to communicate.
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20. They also know one word,
"ooh-ooh-aah-aah",
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21. which means "this bath is too hot".
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22. And the word chocolate was first
recorded in English in 1604.
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23. But if they didn't have
chocolate until then,
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24. what was the War of the Roses
all about?
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25. Right, let's get started.
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26. OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock.
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27. Sean Lock is very much
a man of the people,
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28. and those people are angry dads
who drink too much.
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29. Now, joining Sean tonight,
it's Jack Dee!
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30. Jack Dee's stage persona
is grumpy and miserable,
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31. but in real life,
he's the opposite -
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32. miserable and grumpy.
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33. OK, up against them this evening,
it's Jon Richardson!
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34. This is interesting. At school,
Jon was captain of the Book Team,
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35. which is another way of saying
King of the Virgins!
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36. I was captain of the Book
Team at primary school
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37. and I think you'll find everyone
was a virgin at my primary.
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38. And Jon's team-mate,
it's James Cordon.
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39. James is a devoted West Ham fan,
so if he loses tonight,
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40. he'll be more than equipped
to deal with it.
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41. Do you and Jon have a game plan
this evening?
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42. We're very much playing to win,
Jimmy. That's our game plan.
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43. We, er... We appreciate and respect
the opposition that we're up against
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44. but we're going to take them
to fucking Chinatown!
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45. After the show we're all going
out for dinner!
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46. James, letters or numbers,
where are you strongest?
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47. I would hate to say that
I was strong in either category.
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48. Were you good at school or...?
No, awful. Awful. Terrible.
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49. I have two GCSEs above C.
Really? Yeah.
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50. Drama and English.
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51. All I needed, bad boy!
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52. Jon. Hi.
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53. Have you noticed you been getting
more attention from the ladies
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54. since you've been winning
on Countdown? Er...
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55. Well, technically, yes.
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56. In that it's gone from zero to one.
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57. I have a girlfriend
and she sometimes pays me attention.
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58. But in terms of, like, the wider
market... not really so much.
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59. So, hang on, you got your
girlfriend after ... untdown?
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60. I got everything. Every good thing
that has ever happened to me...
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61. happened after Countdown.
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62. Did she specifically say, "Hi,
I saw you on Countdown...?"
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63. But what else could it have been?
"Do you want to go out?"
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64. I didn't suddenly get a six-pack,
did I?
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65. One Countdown, then I got
a girlfriend. You do the maths.
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66. OK, so, Sean, what advice would
you give your team-mate Jack?
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67. It's his first time on the show.
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68. It doesn't take as long as you think
it's going to take. You know...
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69. It flies by.
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70. Honestly, at the start you think,
"Oh, Christ, how long's this going
to go on?" but...
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71. once you get quizzing,
boh-boh-boh-boh-boom.
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72. It's funny cos I don't get that
feeling when I watch it.
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73. OK, Jack, you and Sean have...
Well, how can I put this politely?
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74. You've got wisdom and experience
on your side.
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75. How are you going to cope
against these two... young bucks?
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76. What, well, you mean
cos we're older?
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77. You're old. You don't need the "er".
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78. You two make the two Muppets
who sit in the box look...
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79. You make Waldorf and Statler
look like Ant and Dec!
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80. Listen, I'm here to do my best.
It's not, it's not...
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81. This isn't my forte,
this kind of thing.
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82. Television.I've actually
heard you're quite...
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83. My main thing is overcoming
my excitement at being here.
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84. That in, I'll be able to
concentrate. If you do win,
how will you celebrate?
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85. Oh, usual thing, Jimmy.
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86. You know, few pints
and let off a flare.
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87. Of course, yeah, sure.
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88. Have you got a mascot?
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89. I had my lucky Mr T and it got
nicked on the train up here.
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90. So I've had to make one.
My Mr T, I made him...
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91. His head is actually a tea bag.
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92. What's lucky about that Mr T?
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93. Well, we don't know yet
cos he's new.
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94. He's a potentially lucky mascot.
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95. Oh, no! Oh, no!
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96. Somewhere Mr T's fallen
to the ground, holding his knee,
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97. going, "Argh!"
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98. OK, Jon, have you got a mascot?
Welcome, what I've brought
is something...
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99. I watched one of these shows back,
you know,
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100. he says, pretending he doesn't watch
them all back for training purposes.
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101. I didn't... I liked it,
enjoyed it.
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102. What I didn't like was the bit
where after you get something right,
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103. the camera zooms in on you,
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104. and I didn't realise
how punchable I am.
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105. I've brought some novelty apparel
so that if I get something right,
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106. I'll pop something on
so that I look less of a smug twat.
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107. It's a great plan. Do we not see
this until you get something right?
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108. Er, it would be cocky
to bring it out now.
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109. OK, now, James. Yeah? Have you got
a mascot? I do have a mascot, yeah.
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110. I have this... We don't actually
have a name for it, oddly,
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111. but in my, erm...
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112. What? It's not...
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113. This was my great, great, great,
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114. possibly great grandfather's,
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115. because he used to be a market
trader and he would take his stall
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116. to market every day, and this is
a replica of the horse that he used.
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117. It is a bluff.
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118. All right, I'm going to
level with you, J.
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119. I, erm ... didn't bring a mascot.
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120. And the producer said,
"Well, you've got to have one,"
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121. so she said,
"Why don't you take this on?"
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122. I said yes. Why would you think,
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123. "Yeah, let's give him
a shire horse?"
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124. Just, erm...
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125. I mean, you know...
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126. I'm not bothered.
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127. I don't get it!
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128. I mean, I'm not...
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129. Jon, we're going to be fine, buddy.
Don't worry!
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130. If you don't win this evening,
you know why.
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131. Cos it's very unlucky to smash
a shire horse. Is it?
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132. Is it unlucky to smash
a shire horse? Don't say that!
I didn't know that!
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133. It's about nine years' bad luck!
Oh, piss off!
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134. That's not a thing!
It's not, is it?
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135. OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?
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136. Yes. I've got
my lucky rabbit's foot.
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137. Whereabouts? Oh...
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138. Er, I keep it in this pie.
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139. That is a real pie as well, isn't
it? I can smell that pastry.
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140. I think the pastry's real.
I wouldn't take a slice of it.
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141. Yeah, cos it's Sean's.
Let's just chuck it over...
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142. No, that would be outrageous,
don't do that.
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143. I think we can see how that
was done, yeah.
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144. Well...
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145. Don't worry, I'll clean it up.
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146. Sorry about that.
Oh, no problem at all.
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147. Got carried away with myself.
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148. Ladies and gentlemen, our teams.
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149. Over in Dictionary Corner
it's Joe Lycett.
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150. Joe is bisexual, so although he's
in Dictionary Corner today,
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151. he'd be equally at home
in vaginary corner.
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152. OK, Joe, do you watch the normal
Countdown? Yes, Des. Erm...
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153. I've only got to about midway
through series three,
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154. so don't tell me what happens,
I don't...
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155. I don't want to spoil the...
Carol's looking amazing.
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156. I mean, they said she'd had
a lot of work done,
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157. but that's incredible, isn't it?
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158. And with Joe, of course,
is Susie Dent!
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159. Susie likes her books like I like my
women - covered in leather.
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160. New words go into the dictionary
every year.
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161. Are there any that haven't
made it that you wish had?
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162. What about a word for having
beautiful buttocks,
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163. which was very common in the 16th
century, and that's callipygian.
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164. Sorry, what? Callipygian.
Callipygian?
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165. Yes, if you want to chat someone up
just tell them they're callipygian.
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166. OK, and in charge of the numbers,
it's Rachel Riley!
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167. In 2009 Rachel was recruited
by the post office to advise
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168. holiday-makers how to make the most
from their holiday currency
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169. in an initiative called "Someone at
the post office
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170. "wants to meet Rachel Riley."
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171. Now, maths... why bother, Rachel?
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172. Well, it's the only truly universal
language, isn't it?
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173. The only truly universal...
What about love?
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174. Or English.
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175. Well, you need it for when you're
going shopping
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176. or you're doing your finances or
your taxes...
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177. Tonight the prize the teams will be
competing for are these,
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178. his and hers Countdown tracksuits.
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179. Were you not allowed to model the
tracksuit
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180. cos there can't be Jimmys in
tracksuits on telly any more?
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181. OK, let's Countdown, everyone.
Time for the first game.
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182. Jon and James, you're first to pick
the letters.
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183. We'll have a consonant, please,
Rachel.
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184. Lovely. Good start. S.
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185. And let's have a vowel.
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186. O.
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187. Ooh. Ooh. That's an excellent start.
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188. Yeah, I'm already well into this.
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189. Let's have a consonant and hope it's
a B.
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190. We'll go for B.
Fingers crossed for the B.
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191. Ah, T.
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192. Aah. Can we have another consonant,
please?
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193. C.
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194. And another vowel, please.
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195. I.
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196. And another consonant, please.
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197. D.
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198. And another consonant, please.
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199. B.
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200. And a vowel, please.
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201. U.
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202. And a consonant, please.
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203. And the last one, H.
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204. OK. So for the first time today
here's the Countdown clock.
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205. OK, Jon, what have you got?
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206. Er, 8.
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207. James? I got 5.
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208. Sean? 5.
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209. Jack? I haven't got a word at all.
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210. Sean, what did you get?
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211. THUDS. James, what did you get?
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212. Er, I've got... I've got BITCH.
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213. OK. It's not allowed, actually.
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214. I haven't got it in this
dictionary here, so...
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215. Jon, what did you get?
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216. This is like a young people's word,
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217. so I don't know if it's
in the dictionary yet,
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218. but it's what I get called
a lot by the "yoot".
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219. The term for a man
like me with my build
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220. is a BUTCHSOD.
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221. It's an old Yorkshire term.
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222. It's been sort of
reclaimed by the youth,
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223. so when I walk past a guy, "Hey,
it's one of those butchsods, innit?"
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224. What else could they have had,
Dictionary Corner?
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225. We found a seven, which was OUTBIDS.
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226. Ooh, nice.
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227. OK, so five points to each team.
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228. OK, onto our first numbers round.
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229. Sean and Jack,
your turn to pick the numbers.
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230. I've never understood,
looking at it now,
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231. why the numbers are all face-down.
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232. It doesn't help us in any way.
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233. If we saw all the numbers, it
would make no difference to us.
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234. It builds the tension.
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235. It all depends on
that one up there.
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236. You've got the big reveal each time.
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237. OK, we'll have two
from the top, Rachel.
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238. And all the rest, however many
we need from everywhere else.
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239. Thanks, Sean.
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240. Right, first one, 4.
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241. Oh! Oh!
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242. 8. Ah!
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243. 10.
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244. 25. 25?
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245. 75.
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246. That was good, wasn't it?
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247. Target - 840.
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248. OK, and your time starts now.
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249. The target was 840.
Sean, did you get it?
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250. I think so. OK, Jack? No.
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251. No.
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252. You seem very confident, Jack. No,
I'm very confident I didn't get it.
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253. You didn't get it?
Definitely didn't get it.
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254. James, did you get it? I got 824.
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255. Ah, OK.
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256. I mean, basically,
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257. no, you didn't get it.
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258. All right! I did my best.
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259. Jon, did you? Yes, I think so.
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260. OK, Sean, how did you do it?
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261. 10 x 75.
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262. 750.
750, yep.
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263. 4 x 25 = 100.
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264. Yep.
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265. Add them together.
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266. Then minus the 8 and the 2.
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267. Well done, lovely.
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268. Perfect, 840.
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269. Well done!
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270. Jon, is that how you did it?
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271. No.
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272. LAUGHTER I did 25 -.
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273. 25 - = 9.
And then added that onto the 75.
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274. For 84. Then times by 10.
Lovely, 840.
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275. Ten points for both teams,
well done.
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276. OK, time to go across
to Dictionary Corner.
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277. Joe, what have you got for us?
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278. Well, Des...
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279. ...I like writing letters,
particularly letters of complaint
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280. and I recently got a
parking fine on Christmas Eve
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281. in Birmingham city centre, so I
wrote this letter of complaint.
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282. My friends say that they
think I went in too heavy.
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283. I don't think I did. I wrote,
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284. "Dear bastards..."
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285. That's fair, isn't it?
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286. "...I got a parking ticket
in Birmingham city centre
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287. "on 24th December.
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288. "You may be more familiar with
this date's more popular name,
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289. "Christmas Eve.
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290. "I was in town buying food
and toys for some sick
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291. "and starving children..."
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292. "... that I look after
in a local orphanage,
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293. "plus a small gift
for my ageing mother
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294. "(some novelty chocolate
in the shape of male genitalia
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295. "aptly named 'cocklates')."
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296. "When I returned to my car,
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297. "you can imagine my surprise
and disappointment
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298. "to find a parking ticket was
affixed to the windscreen.
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299. "I cried as Jesus,
did on Christmas Day..."
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300. "'Forgive these sinners,
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301. "they no not what they do.'" That's
actually Easter, but I got confused.
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302. "I may have also chased your
parking enforcement officer
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303. "shouting, 'Die, Judas'."
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304. "I am willing to offer as
payment a bottle of sherry."
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305. Christmas cheer and all that.
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306. "If you fail to pay within 14 days,
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307. "it will be reduced
to half a bottle.
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308. "If you refuse this offer,
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309. "I will have to pay the fine
using money from the orphanage,
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310. "which will force me to starve
one of the weaker children.
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311. "His name is Graham.
I attached a picture."
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312. That's actually...
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313. That's me as a child.
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314. "He's a six-year-old boy with fair
hair and the voice of an angel."
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315. I also put,
"PS, just to be absolutely clear,
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316. "if you do not cancel the fine,
I will kill a child."
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317. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Lycett.
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318. So the scores at the moment -
both teams have 15 points
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319. and here is your first teaser.
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320. The words are DEES RING and the clue
is - he really should change it.
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321. That's DEES RING -
he really should change it.
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322. See you after the break.
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323. Welcome back, the answer
to the teaser - DEE'S RING,
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324. the clue was,
"He really should change it."
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325. It was, of course, REDESIGN.
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326. So both teams have 15 points,
time to mix things up.
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327. They've been playing
in teams so far,
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328. but this next game is just
for Jack and Jon.
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329. So, Jack, your turn to choose.
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330. Can we have a consonant, please?
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331. Thank you. Start with M.
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332. And another consonant.
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333. D
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334. And a vowel.
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335. A
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336. And a consonant.
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337. C
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338. C. A vowel, please.
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339. E
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340. And a vowel.
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341. I
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342. Consonant.
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343. R
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344. A consonant.
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345. L
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346. A consonant.
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347. The last one...
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348. S
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349. OK, your time starts now.
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350. Jack, what have you got?
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351. Ah. Erm...
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352. I've got a six.
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353. Jon, what did you get?
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354. You look like the bee that wouldn't
be welcomed in the hive.
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355. I'm a hepatitis bee.
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356. Jon, what did you get?
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357. I've got a nine.
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358. A 9, OK, Jack?
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359. I've got SCALER.
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360. You know, if you live in
a soft water area,
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361. you have to scale
your kettle sometimes.
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362. You have to put that stuff IN the
kettle, as opposed to descale it.
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363. SCALER is great, yes.
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364. What is a SCALER?
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365. Somebody who scales something.
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366. As in climbs it,
rather than put scales on?
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367. Yes.
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368. Why would you put scales on?
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369. If you were God.
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370. If you were God,
and you were making fish.
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371. You just can't have
a normal conversation
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372. with you, can you, Sean?
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373. Sorry, I've been flying
off the handle a lot recently.
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374. You have, very angry.
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375. Very angry about everything, if only
you could see what it does to me.
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376. Well, I'm not the person
you want me to be, Jack.
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377. OK, let's hear this 9.
Come on.
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378. It's a West Country term...
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379. Here we go.
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380. It's actually an STD that you can
catch in the Bristol area. They say,
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381. "I've got to go to the doctors,
because I've got CLAMIDERS."
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382. Have you got CLAMIDERS, Susie?
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383. For the first time,
I'm really hoping I have.
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384. No.
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385. Er, no.
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386. CLAM DIGGERS is as close
as we get. CLAM DIGGERS.
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387. It was Kanye West's
less successful song -
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388. "I ain't saying she a clam digger."
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389. Right, 6 points to Sean and Jack.
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390. Could they have done any better?
Anything else in there, Joe?
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391. There's also two eights. Ooh!
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392. MIRACLES and DECLAIMS.
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393. OK.
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394. So at the end of that, Jon and James
have 15, Sean and Jack now have 21.
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395. Right, now time for Sean
and James to go head-to-head.
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396. Oh, shit.
James, you're picking the numbers.
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397. OK, I would like two
from the top, one from the bottom.
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398. Jon's nodding.
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399. Another one from the bottom.
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400. One from the middle.
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401. One more.
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402. And the one
in the bottom corner, on that side.
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403. This one? Yes.
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404. It's all yours.
Right, we've got 4...
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405. OK.
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406. 5. OK.
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407. 9. OK.
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408. 7, 75.
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409. I've got this. 25.
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410. I already know
exactly what this is.
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411. Target, 434.
Copy !req
412. OK, your time starts now.
Copy !req
413. Oh, shit!
Copy !req
414. I don't know what I'm doing!
Copy !req
415. OK, so the target was 434.
James, did you get it?
Copy !req
416. That went quicker
than I thought it was going to,
Copy !req
417. Jimmy, I'll be honest.
Copy !req
418. Yes, I was hoping that Jon was going
to do it as well, secretly,
Copy !req
419. and I would just copy
what was on his paper.
Copy !req
420. The problem with the strategy is
I didn't tell Jon that,
Copy !req
421. and he thought I was doing it.
Copy !req
422. So, it's, um...
Copy !req
423. So what did you get?
Copy !req
424. I've got it, actually, scrap that.
Copy !req
425. OK. I've actually worked it out.
You've just worked it out? Yes.
Copy !req
426. How did you...
Copy !req
427. How did you do it?
Copy !req
428. What I did was I went...
Copy !req
429. 75...
Copy !req
430. I'm just trying to look at
my writing, I can't work out...
Copy !req
431. ... whether I've done a plus here,
or a...
Copy !req
432. I think you have, mate.
I think you have, yes.
Copy !req
433. Yes, sorry.
I did it so fast that I don't...
Copy !req
434. So I did 75 + 25.
Copy !req
435. 75 + 25 = 100
Copy !req
436. Yes, that's what
I was going to say.
Copy !req
437. + 9
Copy !req
438. Yes, + 9, I like it.
Copy !req
439. Which makes it, I think, 109,
is that...? Yes.
Copy !req
440. Yes, that's what I had,
and then I timesed it by 4.
Copy !req
441. Good play, good play, I like it.
Copy !req
442. Yeah, which takes it to...
I've got down, 436.
Copy !req
443. Yes, well done. Yes, cool.
Copy !req
444. Then I just did minus...
Copy !req
445. ...7.
Copy !req
446. Yeah.
Copy !req
447. And then I did + 5.
Oh, well done.
Copy !req
448. Appreciate that. Thanks, thanks.
Copy !req
449. How did you get on, big dick?
Copy !req
450. I got 427.
Copy !req
451. Oh, I see why you did that, yes.
Copy !req
452. How did you do you that?
Copy !req
453. Potentially 5 points for that, Sean.
Copy !req
454. 4 x 25 = 100
Copy !req
455. 100 x 5 = 500
Copy !req
456. 7 x 9 = 63
Copy !req
457. 7 x 9...
Take it away.
Copy !req
458. For 63, for 537.
Copy !req
459. No, take it away from 500.
Copy !req
460. Sorry, 437.
Copy !req
461. Oh, yeah.
Well, I got 437, not 427.
Copy !req
462. It's a rush!
OK, so no-one gets any points.
Copy !req
463. What?
No-one gets any points.
Copy !req
464. What the fuck?
Copy !req
465. There is a suspicion,
I'm not saying this,
Copy !req
466. but the producers are relaying...
Careful, Jimmy,
Copy !req
467. if you besmirch James, you besmirch
me as well. Damn straight.
Copy !req
468. And I will not be
accused of cheating.
Copy !req
469. Who are these "producers"
you're talking about?
Copy !req
470. Do they want only one team
on the rest of the show?
Copy !req
471. Cos they're going to get it.
Copy !req
472. They, they think, I mean,
they're probably way off here,
Copy !req
473. but they think that they could see
a piece of paper coming down.
Copy !req
474. I mean, they used the phrase
"blatant".
Copy !req
475. Why does Sean not get any points?
Copy !req
476. He declared the wrong number,
so no-one gets any points.
Copy !req
477. Bullshit.
Copy !req
478. OK, so Jon and James
have 15 points,
Copy !req
479. Sean and Jack have 21.
Copy !req
480. Time to go again
to Dictionary Corner.
Copy !req
481. Joe, what have you got for us?
Copy !req
482. So, it's another, sort of,
letter for you, Des.
Copy !req
483. I have been trying to sell fake
stories to newspapers and this
Copy !req
484. is one I tried to sell to The Sun
newspaper, I'll just read it to you.
Copy !req
485. I wrote, "I was recently walking
through London's Soho, when I
Copy !req
486. "spotted Matt Baker from the BBC One
Show, on his phone in the street.
Copy !req
487. "He seemed angry about something,
and at one point he was
Copy !req
488. "so angry that, to my amazement,
he tried to kick a pigeon.
Copy !req
489. "He had about three attempts, and on
one of them, he did clip its wing.
Copy !req
490. "He was shouting what sounded like,
'Die, pigeon prick!'"
Copy !req
491. This didn't happen in any way,
I've never met Matt Baker.
Copy !req
492. "I got some pictures,
I was wondering how much
you might buy them for."
Copy !req
493. I got a reply from The Sun
newspaper within two minutes.
Copy !req
494. They said, "Joe - kicking a pigeon?
Copy !req
495. "That is pretty shitty
for a One Show bloke."
Copy !req
496. I thought that was quite
colloquial for a first e-mail back.
Copy !req
497. "Can you send me the pictures?
Cheers."
Copy !req
498. I can't give his real name for legal
reasons, so I'll call him Rodney.
Copy !req
499. I said, "Rodney,
my lawyer says I shouldn't
send you the full pictures
Copy !req
500. "until I have an offer from you
as to how much you'll pay for them.
Copy !req
501. "I've attached a cropped version
of one of the shots
Copy !req
502. "for the time being."
Copy !req
503. I sent that through to him.
Copy !req
504. Any response?
Copy !req
505. He replied, "That's a photo
of a pigeon."
Copy !req
506. Very astute.
"Here's my photo of a pigeon."
Copy !req
507. He attached
that one on the top there.
Copy !req
508. He also attached
a picture of Matt Baker
Copy !req
509. and said, "Can you send me a picture
of this man, kicking a pigeon?"
Copy !req
510. So I sent him a curveball,
and I just said,
Copy !req
511. "Is that a picture of Matt Baker?
I thought he was Chinese."
Copy !req
512. He replied,
"You thought he was Chinese?
Copy !req
513. "You mean, you have a picture
of a Chinese man kicking a pigeon?"
Copy !req
514. I said, "Yes, how much
will you pay for it?"
Copy !req
515. He said, "I fear we might be wasting
each other's time. Good day."
Copy !req
516. I said, "You'll be sorry
when you see tomorrow's Guardian
front page. Good day."
Copy !req
517. Joe Lycett, everyone.
Copy !req
518. I rather enjoyed that.
Copy !req
519. And here's your teaser.
Copy !req
520. The words are NEAT BUSH
Copy !req
521. and the clue -
be careful, it could burn.
Copy !req
522. That's NEAT BUSH -
be careful, it could burn.
Copy !req
523. See you after the break.
Copy !req
524. Welcome back,
the answer to the teaser.
Copy !req
525. The words were NEAT BUSH,
and the clue was - be careful,
Copy !req
526. it could burn.
It was, of course, SUNBATHE.
Copy !req
527. OK, before we move on,
it's time to welcome Joe Wilkinson.
Copy !req
528. All right, Jimmy?
Copy !req
529. Hi, Joe, I hear you've been
promoted again?
Copy !req
530. Oh, yeah, I now run
the Countdown Mobile Gift Shop.
Copy !req
531. Sorry, yes, I keep meaning to
replace the pictures.
Copy !req
532. Why do you have a cardboard
cut-out of Alan Shearer?
Copy !req
533. It's one of the things
we sell in the shop.
Copy !req
534. But he's never been on the show.
Copy !req
535. Oh, that makes sense.
Copy !req
536. It hasn't been selling well.
Copy !req
537. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.
Copy !req
538. We sell a lot of other things
though, so it's not a panic.
Copy !req
539. I've got ironing board covers.
Copy !req
540. Same problem, shit.
Copy !req
541. Ah, same problem with the net
curtains.
Copy !req
542. I think I put all my eggs in one
basket there.
Copy !req
543. Oh, actually, we also sell these.
Copy !req
544. It's a pop-up Martin Keown top hat.
Copy !req
545. Has he been on the show?
Copy !req
546. No. Shit!
Copy !req
547. Forget it, we're going to
have to close the shop.
Copy !req
548. Fabio, take it away mate.
This is my half-brother, Fabio.
Copy !req
549. Go on, mate.
Copy !req
550. It's not Take Me Out, grow up.
Copy !req
551. You know what,
he won't put clothes on.
Copy !req
552. He went to a parents' evening
dressed like that.
Copy !req
553. Let's play Countdown!
Copy !req
554. OK, on with the game.
Copy !req
555. Jon and James,
your turn to choose the letters.
Copy !req
556. We'd like a vowel, please.
Copy !req
557. Does your promotion involve
actually...
Copy !req
558. Oh, I can't help love,
I've got to close the shop.
Copy !req
559. That's that done.
Copy !req
560. O
Copy !req
561. I might have a cup of tea
and a biscuit and a...
Copy !req
562. Wow.
Copy !req
563. Anyone else think
DIGESTIVES are getting bigger?
Copy !req
564. Wow.
A consonant.
Copy !req
565. They're all right.
Copy !req
566. M
Copy !req
567. And a consonant.
Copy !req
568. P
Copy !req
569. And a vowel.
Copy !req
570. Are you drinking on work time again?
Copy !req
571. I can't hear you love,
I'm on my break.
Copy !req
572. U
Copy !req
573. And a consonant, please.
Copy !req
574. T
Copy !req
575. And another consonant.
Copy !req
576. N
Copy !req
577. And a vowel.
Copy !req
578. E
Copy !req
579. That's fucking gorgeous.
Copy !req
580. And a consonant.
Copy !req
581. G
Copy !req
582. And a vowel, please.
Copy !req
583. And the last one, A.
Copy !req
584. OK, your time starts now.
Copy !req
585. Jon, how many letters?
Copy !req
586. I think an eight, but it's
a word I've only ever heard,
Copy !req
587. and I've never seen it written down.
Copy !req
588. OK. James, what have you got?
Copy !req
589. I've got a seven.
Copy !req
590. OK, Sean?
Copy !req
591. Four.
Copy !req
592. Four? OK, fine. Jack?
Copy !req
593. I got four. OK,
Copy !req
594. let's hear your four, Jack.
Copy !req
595. Well, there's only one of them.
Copy !req
596. My four-letter word?
Yes, your four-letter...
Copy !req
597. Don't snigger.
Copy !req
598. Sean, your four was?
Copy !req
599. It was GAPT.
Copy !req
600. G-A-P-T, GAPT. You know,
when something's a bit GAPT.
Copy !req
601. Is GAPT in there? No.
Copy !req
602. James, what did you get?
Copy !req
603. I've got an American word, Jimmy,
so it might not be...
Copy !req
604. It's very much
used in America a lot.
Copy !req
605. The word is NEGATUM.
Copy !req
606. NEGATUM?
Copy !req
607. Yeah, it's N-E-G-A-T-U-M,
Copy !req
608. the opposite of affirmative,
basically.
Copy !req
609. They'll say, "Have you got that,"
Copy !req
610. and they'll say,
"Negatum, negatum, I do not have it.
Copy !req
611. "Negatum."
Copy !req
612. There are a lot of American words
in here, but that isn't one of them.
Copy !req
613. But it's so close to others, like
NEGATOR, I can believe that.
Copy !req
614. So it's a similar thing, yes.
I can believe something's negatum.
Copy !req
615. That's not the game, though,
you have to get a word.
Copy !req
616. Jon? Well, I've gone with a tactic
that, hopefully,
Copy !req
617. Susie will be too shy to
look this word up.
Copy !req
618. Never. Because we're the young team.
Yes.
Copy !req
619. You'll have to spell it for me, Jon?
Copy !req
620. I've gone P-O-U-M-T-A-N-G.
That's sweet POUMTANG.
Copy !req
621. POUNAMU but not POUMTANG.
Copy !req
622. It's not in there?
Copy !req
623. What kind of dictionary are you
using?
Copy !req
624. I'm sorry, we've come up with two
absolute legitimate words,
Copy !req
625. that no-one could question,
and they wouldn't.
Copy !req
626. In America now, someone's going,
Copy !req
627. "Sure, have you got any of that
poumtang?" and he's going,
"Negatum."
Copy !req
628. Negatum, negatum on the poumtang.
Copy !req
629. In that round... It's come to this
on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown!
Copy !req
630. Susie, I think
I know the answer to this,
Copy !req
631. could they have done any
better than four?
Copy !req
632. Yes.
Copy !req
633. There is a seven, which is MONTAGE.
Copy !req
634. MONTAGE! Lovely.
Copy !req
635. OK, so at the end of that round,
Jon and James have 15 points,
Copy !req
636. Sean and Jack have 25.
Copy !req
637. On to another numbers round. OK,
Sean and Jack,
Copy !req
638. your turn to pick the numbers.
Copy !req
639. Two from the top,
four from everywhere else, please.
Copy !req
640. Two big ones,
four little ones coming up.
Copy !req
641. And for this round,
the small numbers... Oh. There's...
Copy !req
642. 3 and a Shearer.
Copy !req
643. 2
Copy !req
644. and a Shearer.
Copy !req
645. I forgot to say, we sell
Alan Shearer Countdown numbers,
Copy !req
646. don't sell Alan Shearer letters -
that would be a bit weird.
Copy !req
647. Shearer 9.
Copy !req
648. 6 and a Shearer,
and the large Shearers are 50.
Copy !req
649. Sell a shit load of them.
Copy !req
650. 25. He looks pleased on that one.
Copy !req
651. And the target,
with no Shearers, 841.
Copy !req
652. OK,
and your Shearer time starts now.
Copy !req
653. So the target there was 841.
Copy !req
654. James, I presume you got that?
Copy !req
655. Well, no, because there's no point,
cos... I would have helped Jon, but
Copy !req
656. you made it clear that you can't.
Or is this all of us together?
Copy !req
657. Yes, this was everyone, yes.
Copy !req
658. Oh, I thought it was like...
Copy !req
659. I was wondering why you were eating
a pen, and starting into space.
Copy !req
660. That was just one round
where you played.
Copy !req
661. No, hang on, you said...
Copy !req
662. They picked the numbers.
Copy !req
663. Oh, right.
Copy !req
664. Well, I thought, I'm not
allowed to do it,
Copy !req
665. because you guys are
so up on this stuff.
Copy !req
666. What made you think that you weren't
allowed to play the game?
Copy !req
667. Well, sorry, if you'll give me
three more seconds, I'll get it.
Copy !req
668. Yes, I've got it. I've got it.
Copy !req
669. Jon, did you get it?
Copy !req
670. Yes. No, I've got it as well,
so we're fine.
Copy !req
671. OK, and Sean? 831.
Copy !req
672. Oh, tough break.
Copy !req
673. Jack?
Copy !req
674. I've got 831 as well.
Copy !req
675. Yes, I have, I know, I know I have.
Copy !req
676. Well, how did you get 831?
Copy !req
677. Don't say it accusingly like that.
Copy !req
678. Rachel, I started with 9 x 50.
Copy !req
679. 9 x 50 for 450?
Copy !req
680. Yes, x 2.
Copy !req
681. x 2 for 900.
Copy !req
682. And then I did 3 x 25.
Copy !req
683. 3 x 25 = 75
Copy !req
684. Then took it away from that.
Copy !req
685. 825. Then added 6.
Copy !req
686. 831
Copy !req
687. It's a potential five points there.
Copy !req
688. Jon, how did you get it?
Copy !req
689. 6 x 3 = 18
Copy !req
690. Yep.
18 x 50 is 900.
Copy !req
691. 900
Copy !req
692. 2 x 25 = 50.
Take that off and take 9.
Copy !req
693. 3... Yeah, well done, 841.
Copy !req
694. Hopefully, that made me
look less punchable.
Copy !req
695. Not LESS pun... What?
Copy !req
696. Surely.
Copy !req
697. Hiya.
Copy !req
698. I guess you'd get a sympathy "Well,
maybe I'd better not."
Copy !req
699. So ten points to Jon.
Copy !req
700. So the scores at the moment,
Sean and Jack have 25 points,
Copy !req
701. Jon and James have got 25 points.
Copy !req
702. Yes. Neck and neck.
Copy !req
703. Here is your final teaser.
Copy !req
704. The words are TIT SPOON and the clue
is - better out than in.
Copy !req
705. That's TIT SPOON, better out
than in. See you after the break.
Copy !req
706. Welcome back.
Copy !req
707. The answer to the teaser -
the words were titspoon
Copy !req
708. and the clue was better out than in.
It was, of course, spittoon.
Copy !req
709. OK. Time for our final letters game.
Copy !req
710. Sean and Jack,
your turn to choose.
Copy !req
711. Jack, why don't you choose
the letters?
Copy !req
712. All right then. Vowel, please. E.
Copy !req
713. Er, and, er, a vowel. O.
Copy !req
714. And a consonant. V.
Copy !req
715. Another consonant, please. D.
Copy !req
716. A consonant. W.
Copy !req
717. And a vowel. A.
Copy !req
718. Oh, and a consonant, please. F.
Copy !req
719. And a consonant. P.
Copy !req
720. And a vowel. And the last one... I.
Copy !req
721. OK, you're 30 seconds starts now.
Copy !req
722. OK. Sean, how many did you get?
Five.
Copy !req
723. Five. Jack? Seven.
Copy !req
724. John? Six.
Copy !req
725. James,
did you know you were playing?
Copy !req
726. I did. Do I get more points
Copy !req
727. if I've got a lot of different
four-letter words?
Copy !req
728. No, you don't. OK. In which case,
I've got four. Lets hear the four.
Copy !req
729. Well, I've got so many to choose from
Jim. Run us through a couple of them.
Copy !req
730. Wave...
Copy !req
731. Dave...
Copy !req
732. Dove. Which one are you going
to go for?
Copy !req
733. Well, it's irrelevant
cos we've lost,
Copy !req
734. but, well, we haven't,
cos the Big Dog's got out back.
Copy !req
735. I'll say, er...
Copy !req
736. Worst dog impression ever!
Copy !req
737. Er, so, yeah.
Well, I'll go with Dave.
Copy !req
738. OK. Well, you can't have that
cos that's a noun, so...
Copy !req
739. It's a proper noun. Can't have that.
Copy !req
740. All right. I'll go with dove.
OK. Jack? Cowdove.
Copy !req
741. I should've got that!
Copy !req
742. Cowdove's a female dove.
Er, where's the C? Where's the C?
Copy !req
743. Is there no C?
Copy !req
744. Are you using half the O?
Copy !req
745. Erm, and there is only one O.
Copy !req
746. So, er, yeah.
Dove really is what I was after.
Copy !req
747. Dove.
Copy !req
748. Sean? Waved.
Copy !req
749. How are you spelling that, Sean?
W, A, V, E, D. OK.
Copy !req
750. I didn't spot the I.
Copy !req
751. John, your six? Avowed.
Copy !req
752. Yes! Yes. Excellent.
Copy !req
753. So six points to John.
Copy !req
754. I'm going to say, John,
Copy !req
755. more punchable with those glasses on.
Really?
Copy !req
756. Suzie, could they have done any
better? Joe, what do you think?
Copy !req
757. We've got waived with an I,
and there's also paedo for a five.
Copy !req
758. Move that away a bit.
Copy !req
759. Couldn't look any better.
Copy !req
760. OK. So, Sean and Jack had 25 points.
Copy !req
761. John and James have 31. Whoo!
Copy !req
762. Teams, you ready? It all
to play for. Fingers on buzzers.
Copy !req
763. It's time for today's crucial
Countdown Conundrum.
Copy !req
764. What do we have to do?
Copy !req
765. Guess what that word is.
Copy !req
766. Sean? Breakfast. Oh, well done.
Copy !req
767. Let's have a look.
Copy !req
768. So the final scores
are John and James have 31,
Copy !req
769. but tonight's winners
with 35 are Sean and Jack!
Copy !req
770. Congratulations.
Copy !req
771. You are now the proud owners of his
and hers countdown tracksuits.
Copy !req
772. Thanks to all our panellists,
our studio audience
Copy !req
773. and to all of you for watching
for watching at home.
Copy !req
774. That's it from us. Goodnight!
Copy !req