8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown: Season 3, Episode 5

1. This programme contains strong language and adult humour from the outset.

2. Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

3. Sean Lock,

4. Jon Richardson,

5. Jack Dee,

6. James Cordon,

7. Joe Lycett,

8. Susie Dent

9. and Rachel Riley!

10. Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!

11. Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown,

12. a show all about letters, numbers and conundrums.

13. Did you know, for example, in 1996, Countdown series winner

14. Adam Acton asked for the CD-ROM of the dictionary as his prize because

15. he was a vegan and he didn't approve of the leather-bound version.

16. That's right, ladies,

17. a pedantic vegan Countdown winner with a CD-ROM of the dictionary.

18. Form an orderly queue!

19. Apes use 40 gestures to communicate.

20. They also know one word, "ooh-ooh-aah-aah",

21. which means "this bath is too hot".

22. And the word chocolate was first recorded in English in 1604.

23. But if they didn't have chocolate until then,

24. what was the War of the Roses all about?

25. Right, let's get started.

26. OK, let's meet tonight's players. First up, it's Sean Lock.

27. Sean Lock is very much a man of the people,

28. and those people are angry dads who drink too much.

29. Now, joining Sean tonight, it's Jack Dee!

30. Jack Dee's stage persona is grumpy and miserable,

31. but in real life, he's the opposite -

32. miserable and grumpy.

33. OK, up against them this evening, it's Jon Richardson!

34. This is interesting. At school, Jon was captain of the Book Team,

35. which is another way of saying King of the Virgins!

36. I was captain of the Book Team at primary school

37. and I think you'll find everyone was a virgin at my primary.

38. And Jon's team-mate, it's James Cordon.

39. James is a devoted West Ham fan, so if he loses tonight,

40. he'll be more than equipped to deal with it.

41. Do you and Jon have a game plan this evening?

42. We're very much playing to win, Jimmy. That's our game plan.

43. We, er... We appreciate and respect the opposition that we're up against

44. but we're going to take them to fucking Chinatown!

45. After the show we're all going out for dinner!

46. James, letters or numbers, where are you strongest?

47. I would hate to say that I was strong in either category.

48. Were you good at school or...? No, awful. Awful. Terrible.

49. I have two GCSEs above C. Really? Yeah.

50. Drama and English.

51. All I needed, bad boy!

52. Jon. Hi.

53. Have you noticed you been getting more attention from the ladies

54. since you've been winning on Countdown? Er...

55. Well, technically, yes.

56. In that it's gone from zero to one.

57. I have a girlfriend and she sometimes pays me attention.

58. But in terms of, like, the wider market... not really so much.

59. So, hang on, you got your girlfriend after ... untdown?

60. I got everything. Every good thing that has ever happened to me...

61. happened after Countdown.

62. Did she specifically say, "Hi, I saw you on Countdown...?"

63. But what else could it have been? "Do you want to go out?"

64. I didn't suddenly get a six-pack, did I?

65. One Countdown, then I got a girlfriend. You do the maths.

66. OK, so, Sean, what advice would you give your team-mate Jack?

67. It's his first time on the show.

68. It doesn't take as long as you think it's going to take. You know...

69. It flies by.

70. Honestly, at the start you think, "Oh, Christ, how long's this going to go on?" but...

71. once you get quizzing, boh-boh-boh-boh-boom.

72. It's funny cos I don't get that feeling when I watch it.

73. OK, Jack, you and Sean have... Well, how can I put this politely?

74. You've got wisdom and experience on your side.

75. How are you going to cope against these two... young bucks?

76. What, well, you mean cos we're older?

77. You're old. You don't need the "er".

78. You two make the two Muppets who sit in the box look...

79. You make Waldorf and Statler look like Ant and Dec!

80. Listen, I'm here to do my best. It's not, it's not...

81. This isn't my forte, this kind of thing.

82. Television.I've actually heard you're quite...

83. My main thing is overcoming my excitement at being here.

84. That in, I'll be able to concentrate. If you do win, how will you celebrate?

85. Oh, usual thing, Jimmy.

86. You know, few pints and let off a flare.

87. Of course, yeah, sure.

88. Have you got a mascot?

89. I had my lucky Mr T and it got nicked on the train up here.

90. So I've had to make one. My Mr T, I made him...

91. His head is actually a tea bag.

92. What's lucky about that Mr T?

93. Well, we don't know yet cos he's new.

94. He's a potentially lucky mascot.

95. Oh, no! Oh, no!

96. Somewhere Mr T's fallen to the ground, holding his knee,

97. going, "Argh!"

98. OK, Jon, have you got a mascot? Welcome, what I've brought is something...

99. I watched one of these shows back, you know,

100. he says, pretending he doesn't watch them all back for training purposes.

101. I didn't... I liked it, enjoyed it.

102. What I didn't like was the bit where after you get something right,

103. the camera zooms in on you,

104. and I didn't realise how punchable I am.

105. I've brought some novelty apparel so that if I get something right,

106. I'll pop something on so that I look less of a smug twat.

107. It's a great plan. Do we not see this until you get something right?

108. Er, it would be cocky to bring it out now.

109. OK, now, James. Yeah? Have you got a mascot? I do have a mascot, yeah.

110. I have this... We don't actually have a name for it, oddly,

111. but in my, erm...

112. What? It's not...

113. This was my great, great, great,

114. possibly great grandfather's,

115. because he used to be a market trader and he would take his stall

116. to market every day, and this is a replica of the horse that he used.

117. It is a bluff.

118. All right, I'm going to level with you, J.

119. I, erm ... didn't bring a mascot.

120. And the producer said, "Well, you've got to have one,"

121. so she said, "Why don't you take this on?"

122. I said yes. Why would you think,

123. "Yeah, let's give him a shire horse?"

124. Just, erm...

125. I mean, you know...

126. I'm not bothered.

127. I don't get it!

128. I mean, I'm not...

129. Jon, we're going to be fine, buddy. Don't worry!

130. If you don't win this evening, you know why.

131. Cos it's very unlucky to smash a shire horse. Is it?

132. Is it unlucky to smash a shire horse? Don't say that! I didn't know that!

133. It's about nine years' bad luck! Oh, piss off!

134. That's not a thing! It's not, is it?

135. OK, Sean, have you got a mascot?

136. Yes. I've got my lucky rabbit's foot.

137. Whereabouts? Oh...

138. Er, I keep it in this pie.

139. That is a real pie as well, isn't it? I can smell that pastry.

140. I think the pastry's real. I wouldn't take a slice of it.

141. Yeah, cos it's Sean's. Let's just chuck it over...

142. No, that would be outrageous, don't do that.

143. I think we can see how that was done, yeah.

144. Well...

145. Don't worry, I'll clean it up.

146. Sorry about that. Oh, no problem at all.

147. Got carried away with myself.

148. Ladies and gentlemen, our teams.

149. Over in Dictionary Corner it's Joe Lycett.

150. Joe is bisexual, so although he's in Dictionary Corner today,

151. he'd be equally at home in vaginary corner.

152. OK, Joe, do you watch the normal Countdown? Yes, Des. Erm...

153. I've only got to about midway through series three,

154. so don't tell me what happens, I don't...

155. I don't want to spoil the... Carol's looking amazing.

156. I mean, they said she'd had a lot of work done,

157. but that's incredible, isn't it?

158. And with Joe, of course, is Susie Dent!

159. Susie likes her books like I like my women - covered in leather.

160. New words go into the dictionary every year.

161. Are there any that haven't made it that you wish had?

162. What about a word for having beautiful buttocks,

163. which was very common in the 16th century, and that's callipygian.

164. Sorry, what? Callipygian. Callipygian?

165. Yes, if you want to chat someone up just tell them they're callipygian.

166. OK, and in charge of the numbers, it's Rachel Riley!

167. In 2009 Rachel was recruited by the post office to advise

168. holiday-makers how to make the most from their holiday currency

169. in an initiative called "Someone at the post office

170. "wants to meet Rachel Riley."

171. Now, maths... why bother, Rachel?

172. Well, it's the only truly universal language, isn't it?

173. The only truly universal... What about love?

174. Or English.

175. Well, you need it for when you're going shopping

176. or you're doing your finances or your taxes...

177. Tonight the prize the teams will be competing for are these,

178. his and hers Countdown tracksuits.

179. Were you not allowed to model the tracksuit

180. cos there can't be Jimmys in tracksuits on telly any more?

181. OK, let's Countdown, everyone. Time for the first game.

182. Jon and James, you're first to pick the letters.

183. We'll have a consonant, please, Rachel.

184. Lovely. Good start. S.

185. And let's have a vowel.

186. O.

187. Ooh. Ooh. That's an excellent start.

188. Yeah, I'm already well into this.

189. Let's have a consonant and hope it's a B.

190. We'll go for B. Fingers crossed for the B.

191. Ah, T.

192. Aah. Can we have another consonant, please?

193. C.

194. And another vowel, please.

195. I.

196. And another consonant, please.

197. D.

198. And another consonant, please.

199. B.

200. And a vowel, please.

201. U.

202. And a consonant, please.

203. And the last one, H.

204. OK. So for the first time today here's the Countdown clock.

205. OK, Jon, what have you got?

206. Er, 8.

207. James? I got 5.

208. Sean? 5.

209. Jack? I haven't got a word at all.

210. Sean, what did you get?

211. THUDS. James, what did you get?

212. Er, I've got... I've got BITCH.

213. OK. It's not allowed, actually.

214. I haven't got it in this dictionary here, so...

215. Jon, what did you get?

216. This is like a young people's word,

217. so I don't know if it's in the dictionary yet,

218. but it's what I get called a lot by the "yoot".

219. The term for a man like me with my build

220. is a BUTCHSOD.

221. It's an old Yorkshire term.

222. It's been sort of reclaimed by the youth,

223. so when I walk past a guy, "Hey, it's one of those butchsods, innit?"

224. What else could they have had, Dictionary Corner?

225. We found a seven, which was OUTBIDS.

226. Ooh, nice.

227. OK, so five points to each team.

228. OK, onto our first numbers round.

229. Sean and Jack, your turn to pick the numbers.

230. I've never understood, looking at it now,

231. why the numbers are all face-down.

232. It doesn't help us in any way.

233. If we saw all the numbers, it would make no difference to us.

234. It builds the tension.

235. It all depends on that one up there.

236. You've got the big reveal each time.

237. OK, we'll have two from the top, Rachel.

238. And all the rest, however many we need from everywhere else.

239. Thanks, Sean.

240. Right, first one, 4.

241. Oh! Oh!

242. 8. Ah!

243. 10.

244. 25. 25?

245. 75.

246. That was good, wasn't it?

247. Target - 840.

248. OK, and your time starts now.

249. The target was 840. Sean, did you get it?

250. I think so. OK, Jack? No.

251. No.

252. You seem very confident, Jack. No, I'm very confident I didn't get it.

253. You didn't get it? Definitely didn't get it.

254. James, did you get it? I got 824.

255. Ah, OK.

256. I mean, basically,

257. no, you didn't get it.

258. All right! I did my best.

259. Jon, did you? Yes, I think so.

260. OK, Sean, how did you do it?

261. 10 x 75.

262. 750. 750, yep.

263. 4 x 25 = 100.

264. Yep.

265. Add them together.

266. Then minus the 8 and the 2.

267. Well done, lovely.

268. Perfect, 840.

269. Well done!

270. Jon, is that how you did it?

271. No.

272. LAUGHTER I did 25 -.

273. 25 - = 9. And then added that onto the 75.

274. For 84. Then times by 10. Lovely, 840.

275. Ten points for both teams, well done.

276. OK, time to go across to Dictionary Corner.

277. Joe, what have you got for us?

278. Well, Des...

279. ...I like writing letters, particularly letters of complaint

280. and I recently got a parking fine on Christmas Eve

281. in Birmingham city centre, so I wrote this letter of complaint.

282. My friends say that they think I went in too heavy.

283. I don't think I did. I wrote,

284. "Dear bastards..."

285. That's fair, isn't it?

286. "...I got a parking ticket in Birmingham city centre

287. "on 24th December.

288. "You may be more familiar with this date's more popular name,

289. "Christmas Eve.

290. "I was in town buying food and toys for some sick

291. "and starving children..."

292. "... that I look after in a local orphanage,

293. "plus a small gift for my ageing mother

294. "(some novelty chocolate in the shape of male genitalia

295. "aptly named 'cocklates')."

296. "When I returned to my car,

297. "you can imagine my surprise and disappointment

298. "to find a parking ticket was affixed to the windscreen.

299. "I cried as Jesus, did on Christmas Day..."

300. "'Forgive these sinners,

301. "they no not what they do.'" That's actually Easter, but I got confused.

302. "I may have also chased your parking enforcement officer

303. "shouting, 'Die, Judas'."

304. "I am willing to offer as payment a bottle of sherry."

305. Christmas cheer and all that.

306. "If you fail to pay within 14 days,

307. "it will be reduced to half a bottle.

308. "If you refuse this offer,

309. "I will have to pay the fine using money from the orphanage,

310. "which will force me to starve one of the weaker children.

311. "His name is Graham. I attached a picture."

312. That's actually...

313. That's me as a child.

314. "He's a six-year-old boy with fair hair and the voice of an angel."

315. I also put, "PS, just to be absolutely clear,

316. "if you do not cancel the fine, I will kill a child."

317. Ladies and gentlemen, Joe Lycett.

318. So the scores at the moment - both teams have 15 points

319. and here is your first teaser.

320. The words are DEES RING and the clue is - he really should change it.

321. That's DEES RING - he really should change it.

322. See you after the break.

323. Welcome back, the answer to the teaser - DEE'S RING,

324. the clue was, "He really should change it."

325. It was, of course, REDESIGN.

326. So both teams have 15 points, time to mix things up.

327. They've been playing in teams so far,

328. but this next game is just for Jack and Jon.

329. So, Jack, your turn to choose.

330. Can we have a consonant, please?

331. Thank you. Start with M.

332. And another consonant.

333. D

334. And a vowel.

335. A

336. And a consonant.

337. C

338. C. A vowel, please.

339. E

340. And a vowel.

341. I

342. Consonant.

343. R

344. A consonant.

345. L

346. A consonant.

347. The last one...

348. S

349. OK, your time starts now.

350. Jack, what have you got?

351. Ah. Erm...

352. I've got a six.

353. Jon, what did you get?

354. You look like the bee that wouldn't be welcomed in the hive.

355. I'm a hepatitis bee.

356. Jon, what did you get?

357. I've got a nine.

358. A 9, OK, Jack?

359. I've got SCALER.

360. You know, if you live in a soft water area,

361. you have to scale your kettle sometimes.

362. You have to put that stuff IN the kettle, as opposed to descale it.

363. SCALER is great, yes.

364. What is a SCALER?

365. Somebody who scales something.

366. As in climbs it, rather than put scales on?

367. Yes.

368. Why would you put scales on?

369. If you were God.

370. If you were God, and you were making fish.

371. You just can't have a normal conversation

372. with you, can you, Sean?

373. Sorry, I've been flying off the handle a lot recently.

374. You have, very angry.

375. Very angry about everything, if only you could see what it does to me.

376. Well, I'm not the person you want me to be, Jack.

377. OK, let's hear this 9. Come on.

378. It's a West Country term...

379. Here we go.

380. It's actually an STD that you can catch in the Bristol area. They say,

381. "I've got to go to the doctors, because I've got CLAMIDERS."

382. Have you got CLAMIDERS, Susie?

383. For the first time, I'm really hoping I have.

384. No.

385. Er, no.

386. CLAM DIGGERS is as close as we get. CLAM DIGGERS.

387. It was Kanye West's less successful song -

388. "I ain't saying she a clam digger."

389. Right, 6 points to Sean and Jack.

390. Could they have done any better? Anything else in there, Joe?

391. There's also two eights. Ooh!

392. MIRACLES and DECLAIMS.

393. OK.

394. So at the end of that, Jon and James have 15, Sean and Jack now have 21.

395. Right, now time for Sean and James to go head-to-head.

396. Oh, shit. James, you're picking the numbers.

397. OK, I would like two from the top, one from the bottom.

398. Jon's nodding.

399. Another one from the bottom.

400. One from the middle.

401. One more.

402. And the one in the bottom corner, on that side.

403. This one? Yes.

404. It's all yours. Right, we've got 4...

405. OK.

406. 5. OK.

407. 9. OK.

408. 7, 75.

409. I've got this. 25.

410. I already know exactly what this is.

411. Target, 434.

412. OK, your time starts now.

413. Oh, shit!

414. I don't know what I'm doing!

415. OK, so the target was 434. James, did you get it?

416. That went quicker than I thought it was going to,

417. Jimmy, I'll be honest.

418. Yes, I was hoping that Jon was going to do it as well, secretly,

419. and I would just copy what was on his paper.

420. The problem with the strategy is I didn't tell Jon that,

421. and he thought I was doing it.

422. So, it's, um...

423. So what did you get?

424. I've got it, actually, scrap that.

425. OK. I've actually worked it out. You've just worked it out? Yes.

426. How did you...

427. How did you do it?

428. What I did was I went...

429. 75...

430. I'm just trying to look at my writing, I can't work out...

431. ... whether I've done a plus here, or a...

432. I think you have, mate. I think you have, yes.

433. Yes, sorry. I did it so fast that I don't...

434. So I did 75 + 25.

435. 75 + 25 = 100

436. Yes, that's what I was going to say.

437. + 9

438. Yes, + 9, I like it.

439. Which makes it, I think, 109, is that...? Yes.

440. Yes, that's what I had, and then I timesed it by 4.

441. Good play, good play, I like it.

442. Yeah, which takes it to... I've got down, 436.

443. Yes, well done. Yes, cool.

444. Then I just did minus...

445. ...7.

446. Yeah.

447. And then I did + 5. Oh, well done.

448. Appreciate that. Thanks, thanks.

449. How did you get on, big dick?

450. I got 427.

451. Oh, I see why you did that, yes.

452. How did you do you that?

453. Potentially 5 points for that, Sean.

454. 4 x 25 = 100

455. 100 x 5 = 500

456. 7 x 9 = 63

457. 7 x 9... Take it away.

458. For 63, for 537.

459. No, take it away from 500.

460. Sorry, 437.

461. Oh, yeah. Well, I got 437, not 427.

462. It's a rush! OK, so no-one gets any points.

463. What? No-one gets any points.

464. What the fuck?

465. There is a suspicion, I'm not saying this,

466. but the producers are relaying... Careful, Jimmy,

467. if you besmirch James, you besmirch me as well. Damn straight.

468. And I will not be accused of cheating.

469. Who are these "producers" you're talking about?

470. Do they want only one team on the rest of the show?

471. Cos they're going to get it.

472. They, they think, I mean, they're probably way off here,

473. but they think that they could see a piece of paper coming down.

474. I mean, they used the phrase "blatant".

475. Why does Sean not get any points?

476. He declared the wrong number, so no-one gets any points.

477. Bullshit.

478. OK, so Jon and James have 15 points,

479. Sean and Jack have 21.

480. Time to go again to Dictionary Corner.

481. Joe, what have you got for us?

482. So, it's another, sort of, letter for you, Des.

483. I have been trying to sell fake stories to newspapers and this

484. is one I tried to sell to The Sun newspaper, I'll just read it to you.

485. I wrote, "I was recently walking through London's Soho, when I

486. "spotted Matt Baker from the BBC One Show, on his phone in the street.

487. "He seemed angry about something, and at one point he was

488. "so angry that, to my amazement, he tried to kick a pigeon.

489. "He had about three attempts, and on one of them, he did clip its wing.

490. "He was shouting what sounded like, 'Die, pigeon prick!'"

491. This didn't happen in any way, I've never met Matt Baker.

492. "I got some pictures, I was wondering how much you might buy them for."

493. I got a reply from The Sun newspaper within two minutes.

494. They said, "Joe - kicking a pigeon?

495. "That is pretty shitty for a One Show bloke."

496. I thought that was quite colloquial for a first e-mail back.

497. "Can you send me the pictures? Cheers."

498. I can't give his real name for legal reasons, so I'll call him Rodney.

499. I said, "Rodney, my lawyer says I shouldn't send you the full pictures

500. "until I have an offer from you as to how much you'll pay for them.

501. "I've attached a cropped version of one of the shots

502. "for the time being."

503. I sent that through to him.

504. Any response?

505. He replied, "That's a photo of a pigeon."

506. Very astute. "Here's my photo of a pigeon."

507. He attached that one on the top there.

508. He also attached a picture of Matt Baker

509. and said, "Can you send me a picture of this man, kicking a pigeon?"

510. So I sent him a curveball, and I just said,

511. "Is that a picture of Matt Baker? I thought he was Chinese."

512. He replied, "You thought he was Chinese?

513. "You mean, you have a picture of a Chinese man kicking a pigeon?"

514. I said, "Yes, how much will you pay for it?"

515. He said, "I fear we might be wasting each other's time. Good day."

516. I said, "You'll be sorry when you see tomorrow's Guardian front page. Good day."

517. Joe Lycett, everyone.

518. I rather enjoyed that.

519. And here's your teaser.

520. The words are NEAT BUSH

521. and the clue - be careful, it could burn.

522. That's NEAT BUSH - be careful, it could burn.

523. See you after the break.

524. Welcome back, the answer to the teaser.

525. The words were NEAT BUSH, and the clue was - be careful,

526. it could burn. It was, of course, SUNBATHE.

527. OK, before we move on, it's time to welcome Joe Wilkinson.

528. All right, Jimmy?

529. Hi, Joe, I hear you've been promoted again?

530. Oh, yeah, I now run the Countdown Mobile Gift Shop.

531. Sorry, yes, I keep meaning to replace the pictures.

532. Why do you have a cardboard cut-out of Alan Shearer?

533. It's one of the things we sell in the shop.

534. But he's never been on the show.

535. Oh, that makes sense.

536. It hasn't been selling well.

537. Doesn't matter, doesn't matter.

538. We sell a lot of other things though, so it's not a panic.

539. I've got ironing board covers.

540. Same problem, shit.

541. Ah, same problem with the net curtains.

542. I think I put all my eggs in one basket there.

543. Oh, actually, we also sell these.

544. It's a pop-up Martin Keown top hat.

545. Has he been on the show?

546. No. Shit!

547. Forget it, we're going to have to close the shop.

548. Fabio, take it away mate. This is my half-brother, Fabio.

549. Go on, mate.

550. It's not Take Me Out, grow up.

551. You know what, he won't put clothes on.

552. He went to a parents' evening dressed like that.

553. Let's play Countdown!

554. OK, on with the game.

555. Jon and James, your turn to choose the letters.

556. We'd like a vowel, please.

557. Does your promotion involve actually...

558. Oh, I can't help love, I've got to close the shop.

559. That's that done.

560. O

561. I might have a cup of tea and a biscuit and a...

562. Wow.

563. Anyone else think DIGESTIVES are getting bigger?

564. Wow. A consonant.

565. They're all right.

566. M

567. And a consonant.

568. P

569. And a vowel.

570. Are you drinking on work time again?

571. I can't hear you love, I'm on my break.

572. U

573. And a consonant, please.

574. T

575. And another consonant.

576. N

577. And a vowel.

578. E

579. That's fucking gorgeous.

580. And a consonant.

581. G

582. And a vowel, please.

583. And the last one, A.

584. OK, your time starts now.

585. Jon, how many letters?

586. I think an eight, but it's a word I've only ever heard,

587. and I've never seen it written down.

588. OK. James, what have you got?

589. I've got a seven.

590. OK, Sean?

591. Four.

592. Four? OK, fine. Jack?

593. I got four. OK,

594. let's hear your four, Jack.

595. Well, there's only one of them.

596. My four-letter word? Yes, your four-letter...

597. Don't snigger.

598. Sean, your four was?

599. It was GAPT.

600. G-A-P-T, GAPT. You know, when something's a bit GAPT.

601. Is GAPT in there? No.

602. James, what did you get?

603. I've got an American word, Jimmy, so it might not be...

604. It's very much used in America a lot.

605. The word is NEGATUM.

606. NEGATUM?

607. Yeah, it's N-E-G-A-T-U-M,

608. the opposite of affirmative, basically.

609. They'll say, "Have you got that,"

610. and they'll say, "Negatum, negatum, I do not have it.

611. "Negatum."

612. There are a lot of American words in here, but that isn't one of them.

613. But it's so close to others, like NEGATOR, I can believe that.

614. So it's a similar thing, yes. I can believe something's negatum.

615. That's not the game, though, you have to get a word.

616. Jon? Well, I've gone with a tactic that, hopefully,

617. Susie will be too shy to look this word up.

618. Never. Because we're the young team. Yes.

619. You'll have to spell it for me, Jon?

620. I've gone P-O-U-M-T-A-N-G. That's sweet POUMTANG.

621. POUNAMU but not POUMTANG.

622. It's not in there?

623. What kind of dictionary are you using?

624. I'm sorry, we've come up with two absolute legitimate words,

625. that no-one could question, and they wouldn't.

626. In America now, someone's going,

627. "Sure, have you got any of that poumtang?" and he's going, "Negatum."

628. Negatum, negatum on the poumtang.

629. In that round... It's come to this on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown!

630. Susie, I think I know the answer to this,

631. could they have done any better than four?

632. Yes.

633. There is a seven, which is MONTAGE.

634. MONTAGE! Lovely.

635. OK, so at the end of that round, Jon and James have 15 points,

636. Sean and Jack have 25.

637. On to another numbers round. OK, Sean and Jack,

638. your turn to pick the numbers.

639. Two from the top, four from everywhere else, please.

640. Two big ones, four little ones coming up.

641. And for this round, the small numbers... Oh. There's...

642. 3 and a Shearer.

643. 2

644. and a Shearer.

645. I forgot to say, we sell Alan Shearer Countdown numbers,

646. don't sell Alan Shearer letters - that would be a bit weird.

647. Shearer 9.

648. 6 and a Shearer, and the large Shearers are 50.

649. Sell a shit load of them.

650. 25. He looks pleased on that one.

651. And the target, with no Shearers, 841.

652. OK, and your Shearer time starts now.

653. So the target there was 841.

654. James, I presume you got that?

655. Well, no, because there's no point, cos... I would have helped Jon, but

656. you made it clear that you can't. Or is this all of us together?

657. Yes, this was everyone, yes.

658. Oh, I thought it was like...

659. I was wondering why you were eating a pen, and starting into space.

660. That was just one round where you played.

661. No, hang on, you said...

662. They picked the numbers.

663. Oh, right.

664. Well, I thought, I'm not allowed to do it,

665. because you guys are so up on this stuff.

666. What made you think that you weren't allowed to play the game?

667. Well, sorry, if you'll give me three more seconds, I'll get it.

668. Yes, I've got it. I've got it.

669. Jon, did you get it?

670. Yes. No, I've got it as well, so we're fine.

671. OK, and Sean? 831.

672. Oh, tough break.

673. Jack?

674. I've got 831 as well.

675. Yes, I have, I know, I know I have.

676. Well, how did you get 831?

677. Don't say it accusingly like that.

678. Rachel, I started with 9 x 50.

679. 9 x 50 for 450?

680. Yes, x 2.

681. x 2 for 900.

682. And then I did 3 x 25.

683. 3 x 25 = 75

684. Then took it away from that.

685. 825. Then added 6.

686. 831

687. It's a potential five points there.

688. Jon, how did you get it?

689. 6 x 3 = 18

690. Yep. 18 x 50 is 900.

691. 900

692. 2 x 25 = 50. Take that off and take 9.

693. 3... Yeah, well done, 841.

694. Hopefully, that made me look less punchable.

695. Not LESS pun... What?

696. Surely.

697. Hiya.

698. I guess you'd get a sympathy "Well, maybe I'd better not."

699. So ten points to Jon.

700. So the scores at the moment, Sean and Jack have 25 points,

701. Jon and James have got 25 points.

702. Yes. Neck and neck.

703. Here is your final teaser.

704. The words are TIT SPOON and the clue is - better out than in.

705. That's TIT SPOON, better out than in. See you after the break.

706. Welcome back.

707. The answer to the teaser - the words were titspoon

708. and the clue was better out than in. It was, of course, spittoon.

709. OK. Time for our final letters game.

710. Sean and Jack, your turn to choose.

711. Jack, why don't you choose the letters?

712. All right then. Vowel, please. E.

713. Er, and, er, a vowel. O.

714. And a consonant. V.

715. Another consonant, please. D.

716. A consonant. W.

717. And a vowel. A.

718. Oh, and a consonant, please. F.

719. And a consonant. P.

720. And a vowel. And the last one... I.

721. OK, you're 30 seconds starts now.

722. OK. Sean, how many did you get? Five.

723. Five. Jack? Seven.

724. John? Six.

725. James, did you know you were playing?

726. I did. Do I get more points

727. if I've got a lot of different four-letter words?

728. No, you don't. OK. In which case, I've got four. Lets hear the four.

729. Well, I've got so many to choose from Jim. Run us through a couple of them.

730. Wave...

731. Dave...

732. Dove. Which one are you going to go for?

733. Well, it's irrelevant cos we've lost,

734. but, well, we haven't, cos the Big Dog's got out back.

735. I'll say, er...

736. Worst dog impression ever!

737. Er, so, yeah. Well, I'll go with Dave.

738. OK. Well, you can't have that cos that's a noun, so...

739. It's a proper noun. Can't have that.

740. All right. I'll go with dove. OK. Jack? Cowdove.

741. I should've got that!

742. Cowdove's a female dove. Er, where's the C? Where's the C?

743. Is there no C?

744. Are you using half the O?

745. Erm, and there is only one O.

746. So, er, yeah. Dove really is what I was after.

747. Dove.

748. Sean? Waved.

749. How are you spelling that, Sean? W, A, V, E, D. OK.

750. I didn't spot the I.

751. John, your six? Avowed.

752. Yes! Yes. Excellent.

753. So six points to John.

754. I'm going to say, John,

755. more punchable with those glasses on. Really?

756. Suzie, could they have done any better? Joe, what do you think?

757. We've got waived with an I, and there's also paedo for a five.

758. Move that away a bit.

759. Couldn't look any better.

760. OK. So, Sean and Jack had 25 points.

761. John and James have 31. Whoo!

762. Teams, you ready? It all to play for. Fingers on buzzers.

763. It's time for today's crucial Countdown Conundrum.

764. What do we have to do?

765. Guess what that word is.

766. Sean? Breakfast. Oh, well done.

767. Let's have a look.

768. So the final scores are John and James have 31,

769. but tonight's winners with 35 are Sean and Jack!

770. Congratulations.

771. You are now the proud owners of his and hers countdown tracksuits.

772. Thanks to all our panellists, our studio audience

773. and to all of you for watching for watching at home.

774. That's it from us. Goodnight!