1. This programme contains strong
language and adult humour from the
outsetCopy !req
2. Tonight on Eight Out Of Ten Cats Does
Countdown...Copy !req
3. Sean Lock!Copy !req
4. Jon Richardson!Copy !req
5. Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
6. Kevin Bridges!Copy !req
7. Josie Long!Copy !req
8. Susie Dent!Copy !req
9. And Rachel Riley!Copy !req
10. Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr!Copy !req
11. Hello and welcome to Eight Out Of
Ten Cats Does Countdown,Copy !req
12. a show about letters,
numbers and conundrums.Copy !req
13. Did you know, for example,Copy !req
14. since 1982, the Countdown Clock has
been started more than 66,000 times.Copy !req
15. If you calculate what that equates
to in terms of minutesCopy !req
16. and hours, you'll find you
really need to get out more!Copy !req
17. The average IQ in the UK
is just 102,Copy !req
18. although that does increase when
Joey Essex goes away on holiday.Copy !req
19. And an arcane term for eyes is
winker peeps,Copy !req
20. although if you try telling a girl
she's got beautiful winker peeps,Copy !req
21. it's unlikely your winker
peeps will ever see her rubber nubs!Copy !req
22. Right, let's get started!Copy !req
23. OK, let's meet tonight's players.
First up, it's Sean Lock!Copy !req
24. Comedian, writer and TV personality,
Sean is one of life's winners,Copy !req
25. though not on Countdown, obviously.Copy !req
26. Takes a lot of time and effort to
get to know the real Sean,Copy !req
27. and a degree in criminal
psychology wouldn't go amiss.Copy !req
28. Keep it coming! I'm loving it!
I'm loving it! It's all about me!Copy !req
29. Joining Sean tonight,
it's Rhod Gilbert!Copy !req
30. Rhod is from Carmarthen in Wales,
so he has a slightCopy !req
31. advantage in the numbers game,
more fingers to count on.Copy !req
32. There's one of them.Copy !req
33. There's plenty more where
that came from.Copy !req
34. Fair enough! Up against them
this evening, is Jon Richardson!Copy !req
35. It must be difficult for Jon's
girlfriend to date someone with OCD.Copy !req
36. Every time she gets turned on,
Jon turns her off again.Copy !req
37. That's the best one you've ever
done. Thank you very much.Copy !req
38. And Jon's team-mate Kevin Bridges!Copy !req
39. Kevin recently performed a comedy
gig at a prison in Scotland.Copy !req
40. At least, that's what he told his
family. The gig lasted four months.Copy !req
41. Kevin, have you seen Countdown
before? Yes, I'm a massive fan.Copy !req
42. Really? I'm a massive
fan of Eight Out Of Ten Cats as well.Copy !req
43. So can you imagine my reaction?Copy !req
44. I'm A huge fan. Anybody who's ever
been unemployed in their lifeCopy !req
45. is a massive Countdown fan.Copy !req
46. Were you good at school?
I used to panic at exams in English.Copy !req
47. I remember one time
I forgot how to spell the word who.Copy !req
48. Under the pressure of it.Copy !req
49. I don't have dyslexia or anything,
I just, I was writing who,Copy !req
50. and I just started to
overthink it a wee bit.Copy !req
51. I'm trying to raise awareness that
kids are under extremeCopy !req
52. pressure at exams these days,Copy !req
53. and they forget how to spell words
like you.Copy !req
54. I agree with you, I think
school goes on way too long.Copy !req
55. For me, once I had learnt
all of the animal noises,Copy !req
56. I was ready to go out there...Copy !req
57. Get a job and use this stuff!Copy !req
58. Sean, how do you get in the zone
to play Countdown?Copy !req
59. I don't call it a zone,
Jimmy, I call it a mood.Copy !req
60. I have to get in a mood.Copy !req
61. I won't lie to you,
I don't like doing Countdown.Copy !req
62. I'm not going to lie.
Why lie? What's the point of lying?Copy !req
63. I feel like a polar bear
trapped in a tiny cage.Copy !req
64. Up and down, up and down, why do
I have to play Countdown? Why?Copy !req
65. Why do I have to play Countdown?
Why?Copy !req
66. No, but seriously,
I hate playing Countdown.Copy !req
67. If there are any traditional
viewers of Countdown watching,Copy !req
68. I would just like to say,
well done making it to January.Copy !req
69. All right, so, Jon,
you are up against Rhod tonight.Copy !req
70. He's undefeated. Yeah.
You think you can take him?Copy !req
71. Well, it's tense, I've won eight out
of tenCopy !req
72. Eight Out Of Ten Cats does
Countdowns,Copy !req
73. and the only people that have
beaten me are Sean and Rhod.Copy !req
74. Unfortunately,
because I am unbeaten on this,Copy !req
75. they keep pairing me
with this fucker.Copy !req
76. I never thought that
was my nickname.Copy !req
77. I thought it was like Specsy, Locky,
Locko, but, no, it's this fucker.Copy !req
78. Rhod, have you brought
a mascot with you?Copy !req
79. Yes, I've got my mascot, I've
got my lucky number here, somewhere.Copy !req
80. There it is. The old lucky number.Copy !req
81. It's always just been lucky for me,
this number.Copy !req
82. Some people have got seven,
some people have got 13,Copy !req
83. I've got 07700...Copy !req
84. 009...Copy !req
85. Hopefully that will come
good tonight!Copy !req
86. Isn't that a mobile phone number?
People do say that, yeah.Copy !req
87. Sean, have you got a mascot?
Yes, I have.Copy !req
88. One of my big problems with this
show is the clock.Copy !req
89. I don't trust it, I
don't think it's accurate,Copy !req
90. I don't think it gets
close to 30 seconds.Copy !req
91. So I got in touch with
the guys at CERN, you know,Copy !req
92. the Hadron Collider, I said to them,
I need a timepiece that isCopy !req
93. nuclearly accurate, that's
the most perfect representationCopy !req
94. of 30 seconds that is capable,Copy !req
95. and they went away in the lab,
some of the world's finestCopy !req
96. physicians and technicians on the
planet, and they came up with this.Copy !req
97. And that, when I set this,
when it goes off...Copy !req
98. This is 30 seconds.
I am not working to that mofo.Copy !req
99. I'm working to this baby here. Jon
and Kevin, have you brought mascots?Copy !req
100. Yeah, I brought a mascot!Copy !req
101. I've got a mascot. You've got
a mascot? That's my mascot.Copy !req
102. It's a train ticket.Copy !req
103. I never realised it,
but without this train ticket,Copy !req
104. I would not be here tonight.
So...Copy !req
105. That's beautiful.Copy !req
106. The whole day,
I was presented with barriers,Copy !req
107. and this thing got me through.
How did they know you had an STD?Copy !req
108. You're fun!Copy !req
109. Jon, did you bring a mascot?Copy !req
110. No, mascot are to bring luck,
and luck is for the weak.Copy !req
111. So I've brought brain food,
this is all I eat now.Copy !req
112. Sushi. Do you want some?Copy !req
113. It makes you clever. Is that a dig?Copy !req
114. It's brain food!
Anyway, it's there if ever I need it.Copy !req
115. If the clock starts and has five
seconds leftCopy !req
116. and I haven't got a word... Yeah.
Leave some raw fish under someCopy !req
117. lights for a while,
see what happens?Copy !req
118. What could possibly go wrong?Copy !req
119. OK, over in Dictionary Corner
is Josie Long!Copy !req
120. Thank you.Copy !req
121. As well as being a brilliant
comedian, Josie is a massiveCopy !req
122. Doctor Who fan, so to all the Doctor
Who fans watching, look! A girl!Copy !req
123. Josie, you've got a degree
in English from Oxford. I do.Copy !req
124. Does that make you
better at Countdown?Copy !req
125. No, because that is nothing to do
with what you do in the degree,Copy !req
126. you don't show up at tutorials
and they go, OK,Copy !req
127. what's your essay and you go,
I've got a nine letter essay.Copy !req
128. "Oh, that's good!"Copy !req
129. So what I'm saying is,
if I'm bad, it's not my fault,Copy !req
130. it's nothing to do with me.Copy !req
131. I am playing along
because I like the fact that Jon isCopy !req
132. so cocky about it
and I feel like we can cheat.Copy !req
133. There's no way he is going to
beat us, so... Cocky?Copy !req
134. Cocky! What I'm saying is, you're
going to lose,Copy !req
135. and you're going to
lose to us.Copy !req
136. Fuck them.Copy !req
137. OK. That's what happens
when you let women sit together.Copy !req
138. OK. With Josie, of course, we've got
Susie Dent!Copy !req
139. Now, here's a fun fact.
Not a lot of people know this,Copy !req
140. but Susie Dent shares her birthday
with Liam Gallagher.Copy !req
141. They normally start off at Laser
Quest, head to Pizza HutCopy !req
142. and then go back to Liam's
for a pyjama party.Copy !req
143. I've got a question for you,
Susie? The Word Of The Year,Copy !req
144. according to the Oxford English
dictionary in 2013 was SELFIE.Copy !req
145. Good choice?
Very good choice.Copy !req
146. When a word starts to get
a lots of spin-offs, you knowCopy !req
147. it's made it,
and there were lots.Copy !req
148. There was belfie, which was a bottom
selfie.Copy !req
149. Elfie, which was a selfie of a
small person. Sorry, Jon.Copy !req
150. Did you just apologise to Jon?
I did!Copy !req
151. I didn't expect
slams from Dictionary Corner! Sorry.Copy !req
152. I've called a cocky elf in the last
five minutes. OK.Copy !req
153. In charge of the numbers is
Rachel Riley!Copy !req
154. Rachel joined Countdown in 2009 aged
22, replacing Carol Vorderman.Copy !req
155. Yes, Carol Vorderman!
We're talking about you!Copy !req
156. You used to be on the television!
On Countdown! That's right?Copy !req
157. With the numbers!
She's fallen back to sleep.Copy !req
158. Well done on making it to January!Copy !req
159. Rachel, after all the glamour
and glitz of Strictly,Copy !req
160. how does it feel to be
back on Cats Does Countdown?Copy !req
161. It was a really scary
experience having to danceCopy !req
162. in front of ten million people,
so it's nice beingCopy !req
163. the so-called expert on something.Copy !req
164. How do I compare to Brucie,
out of interest, as a host?Copy !req
165. You're both very nice,
very smartly dressed, funny,Copy !req
166. you both do the little hop thing
when you come on.Copy !req
167. Neither of you has
got your own teeth.Copy !req
168. OK. That's
the way this is going to go.Copy !req
169. Both teams are competing for this,
this evening. His and hersCopy !req
170. Countdown dressing gowns.Copy !req
171. OK, time for our first game,Copy !req
172. Jon and Kevin, you're to pick the
letters.Copy !req
173. You pick the letters, I'm going
to brain up.Copy !req
174. OK, I will go for a consonant,
please?Copy !req
175. Good choice. Start with I.Copy !req
176. L. I know loads of words
that have got I.Copy !req
177. Couldn't have asked for a better
start there.Copy !req
178. I'll go for a, a consonant againCopy !req
179. NCopy !req
180. A vowel, please? You look like
you're struggling with that, Jon.Copy !req
181. Yeah, if you pick the letters
quicker,Copy !req
182. I probably won't puke
during this.Copy !req
183. I'll take three more vowels
and then...Copy !req
184. I'm not sure what's more
understandable, the Scots or that!Copy !req
185. I will take a vowel, please.
A vowel.Copy !req
186. U. I'm feeling pretty brainy.Copy !req
187. A consonant,
please, Rachel.Copy !req
188. Thank you. D.Copy !req
189. See, I can change my accent.Copy !req
190. Oh, no, we've
swapped!Copy !req
191. I'll take a consonant as well.Copy !req
192. SCopy !req
193. Consonant again, please, Rachel.Copy !req
194. Another S.Copy !req
195. I'd better
set my timepiece. A vowel, please.Copy !req
196. ECopy !req
197. A consonant.Copy !req
198. GCopy !req
199. And another vowel,
just in case it looks ridiculous.Copy !req
200. And the last one, O.Copy !req
201. And for the first time today,
here is the Countdown Clock.Copy !req
202. Right, well, what have you got?
Kevin? A risky four. A risky four.Copy !req
203. OK, Jon? I've got quite bad
stomach cramps. OK.Copy !req
204. Potential diarrhoea. But a seven!
Seven? The fish is powerful.Copy !req
205. Rhod? I've got six. Six. OK.
And Sean? I've got a nine.Copy !req
206. But it's an acronym.Copy !req
207. OK. Well, let's get the four first.
Kevin.Copy !req
208. Well, I said it was risky, because
it's product placement. It's LEGO.Copy !req
209. You should have been able to
build on that, really.Copy !req
210. Lego. Is Lego in the dictionary?Copy !req
211. Trademark, capital L, so we can't
have it.Copy !req
212. But it's a capital L
if you look at the...Copy !req
213. OK, Rhod, what was your six?
UNDOES. UNDOES. Brilliant.Copy !req
214. Brilliant? Well, good.Copy !req
215. It's not brilliant. Jon, your seven?
Erm, GLOSSED. GLOSSED.Copy !req
216. It can be beaten, of course, by a
nine letter acronym.Copy !req
217. I just saw it when the letters were
back as they originally were.Copy !req
218. If you can put them
back how they were originally.Copy !req
219. Is there a word UNGLOSSED,
because if there's UNGLOSSED,Copy !req
220. I think I've got a nine.Copy !req
221. UNGLAZED, but not on UNGLOSSED.Copy !req
222. Is there a DE-UNGLOSS?
DE-UNGLOSS?Copy !req
223. Yeah. To de-ungloss. When you gloss
something and think, fuck it,Copy !req
224. I quite liked it glossed.Copy !req
225. Sean's nine-letter word.Copy !req
226. I just saw it there,
and I thought, of course, it's theCopy !req
227. Latvian National Union of DistressedCopy !req
228. Sheep Shearers Exercise And...Copy !req
229. Gets... Ge... Erm... No, oh,
it's not a G, it's a J! Sorry.Copy !req
230. Seven points to Jon there!Copy !req
231. OK, Dictionary Corner,
could they have done any better?Copy !req
232. Yeah, loads better,
because we've got an eight.Copy !req
233. I HAD an eight, but I didn't want to
look cocky, actually.Copy !req
234. So, what is the eight letter word.
LOUDNESS.Copy !req
235. How could you ever use
LOUDNESS in a sentence withoutCopy !req
236. sounding like an idiot?Copy !req
237. I would say, like, there was
a certain LOUDNESS to Josie'sCopy !req
238. victory celebrations.Copy !req
239. Onto our first numbers round,
OK, Sean, Rhod,Copy !req
240. your turn to pick the numbers.
What do you normally do?Copy !req
241. What do you recommend? What's the
house recommendation? For you guys?Copy !req
242. There's a system, isn't there?Copy !req
243. You pick certain numbers,
you've got a better chance.Copy !req
244. The easiest one is one from the top,Copy !req
245. and the hardest are four from the top
or six little ones.Copy !req
246. Let's have a house,
one from the top large one,Copy !req
247. and then a few nice ones.
House special. OK.Copy !req
248. One big one and five little ones.
You concentrate on this.Copy !req
249. I'm going to try
and get this bastard to work.Copy !req
250. This is your last chance, buddy.Copy !req
251. You've got 4, 7,Copy !req
252. 8, 10, 2 and 25.Copy !req
253. And the target, 739.Copy !req
254. And your time starts now.Copy !req
255. I've got this one, Jon.Copy !req
256. Carol? Carol? Yes, it's Jon.
I'm on now.Copy !req
257. Oh, he's a total prick, yeah,
I know.Copy !req
258. 739, and it's 25, 2, 10,Copy !req
259. 8, 7, 4.Copy !req
260. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.Copy !req
261. It is, yeah. I've got you.
Your time is up. Thanks, Carol.Copy !req
262. Rhod, what have you got? 739.Copy !req
263. OK, Sean, what have you got?
740. 740, OK. Jon?Copy !req
264. 742.Copy !req
265. Are you all right with the sushi?
I'm allergic to fish.Copy !req
266. Kevin? I think I've got
somewhere near there, pretty much.Copy !req
267. Have you got 739? Borderline,
mate, right. Borderline.Copy !req
268. 4 x 7 = 28Copy !req
269. Don't think anybody's seen that
coming.Copy !req
270. 28 x 25Copy !req
271. I think you're screwed already,
but we'll carry on.Copy !req
272. How's that supposed to make me
feel, Rachel? Sorry!Copy !req
273. 725. I just need to make 14 out of
those numbers. It's got to be done.Copy !req
274. Oh, no, you need 39. I was hoping
that would come in at 725.Copy !req
275. Sorry. Rhod, 739? 739, yeah. How did
you get it?Copy !req
276. Oh, I didn't write it
down.Copy !req
277. I'll ring her back.
I'll ring her back!Copy !req
278. You can talk to her later
and just confirm it.Copy !req
279. 739 it was. We've got 739.Copy !req
280. Hang on, let's go over to
Dictionary Corner in a moment.Copy !req
281. Sean, let's go through your
methodology.Copy !req
282. No, I've realised
I've used four twice.Copy !req
283. You're basically our only hope,
Jon. Stop eating sushi!Copy !req
284. I'm hoping I'll work it out
through the power of fish.Copy !req
285. I did 10 x 4Copy !req
286. 10 x 4 = 40Copy !req
287. 40 minus...Copy !req
288. 40 - 2Copy !req
289. 40 - 2 = 38Copy !req
290. 38 x 25...
What do you think that is?Copy !req
291. Rachel, you are a primary school
teacher, just tell us. 950.Copy !req
292. Yeah, I need to stop eating fish.Copy !req
293. So, no points for any of our teams
there, but Josie.Copy !req
294. I haven't got 739, because I forgot
that 7 x 10 is not 700.Copy !req
295. Rachel, could it be done?Copy !req
296. Yes, I think
it was quite a hard one though,Copy !req
297. because 25 x 4 = 100.Copy !req
298. 100 - 7 = 93Copy !req
299. 93 x 8 = 744Copy !req
300. And then 102 = 5Copy !req
301. 744 - 5 = 739Copy !req
302. OK, so, at the end of that round,
Sean and Rhod have no points,Copy !req
303. Jon and Kevin have seven points.Copy !req
304. And here is your teaser,
the words are feel RhodCopy !req
305. and the clue is he wants you to
own him. That's feel Rhod.Copy !req
306. He wants you to own him.
See you after the break.Copy !req
307. Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.Copy !req
308. The words were FEEL RHOD and the
clue was, he wants you to own him.Copy !req
309. It was, of course, FREEHOLD.
So, Jon and Kevin are in the lead.Copy !req
310. Time to mix things up
a little bit now.Copy !req
311. We have been playing in teams
so far.Copy !req
312. This game is just for Rhod and Jon.
Rhod, your turn to choose.Copy !req
313. How many are there altogether? Nine.Copy !req
314. I was going to say six of each.
That's wrong.Copy !req
315. Shall I just...?Copy !req
316. Three or four of the first ones
and then whatever of the other ones.Copy !req
317. Dealer's choice. Dealer's choice.Copy !req
318. OK, we have got E-M-O-J-T-A...Copy !req
319. Let's crack on,
I have got a game to win.Copy !req
320. ...N-R... and the last one, I.Copy !req
321. And your time starts now.Copy !req
322. Jon, what have you got?Copy !req
323. A... six.Copy !req
324. Six? Rhod?Copy !req
325. I don't know
but it is a lot more than six.Copy !req
326. One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.Copy !req
327. OK, Jon, what is your...?Copy !req
328. I literally just put this
fish in my mouth and got a seven.Copy !req
329. I will stick with
RATION which is whatCopy !req
330. I should have done with
all that fish.Copy !req
331. Rhod, what have you got?
Well, I have got JANITOR.Copy !req
332. I believe that is seven points
to Rhod, well done.Copy !req
333. Josie, could that have been
beaten in Dictionary Corner?Copy !req
334. No, we got JANITOR but we did get
EMOJI which is a nice word.Copy !req
335. It's very short. But JANITOR is
the longest word we got as well.Copy !req
336. You need a bigger dictionary than
that to beat me!Copy !req
337. At the end of that,
Sean and Rhod have seven points,Copy !req
338. Jon and Kevin also have seven.Copy !req
339. Right, now it is time for Sean
and Kevin to go head-to-head.Copy !req
340. Kevin,
your turn to pick the numbers.Copy !req
341. Go for one from the top,
two from the middleCopy !req
342. and three from the lowest
of the low.Copy !req
343. Right, five low ones and one big one.Copy !req
344. And this round is 10, 6,Copy !req
345. 5, another 10,Copy !req
346. 1 and 100.Copy !req
347. And the target... Oh, 113!Copy !req
348. Your time starts now.Copy !req
349. Oh, hang on.
It's harder than it looks.Copy !req
350. OK, Sean, what have you got?
I got 113!Copy !req
351. If I could blow snot balloons,
I would.Copy !req
352. Kevin, what have you got? Erm, 132.Copy !req
353. I sort of panicked
and I just added them all up.Copy !req
354. I got 113, Jimmy.
I am delighted with that.Copy !req
355. OK, Sean, do you want to take us
through how you did it?Copy !req
356. 100.Copy !req
357. 10 + 10 = 20Copy !req
358. That's 120.Copy !req
359. 1 + 6 = 7Copy !req
360. Take it away.Copy !req
361. Lovely, 113.Copy !req
362. I actually went for 100 + 10 = 110.Copy !req
363. Then 10 - 6 = 4Copy !req
364. 100 + 10 = 110Copy !req
365. 10 - 6 = 4Copy !req
366. And then I took away the 1,
I think. Yes.Copy !req
367. I was just showing there are other
ways it can be done.Copy !req
368. So that is 10 points to each team.Copy !req
369. Time now to go across to
Dictionary Corner.Copy !req
370. Josie, what have you got for us?Copy !req
371. Well, I have got a new word game.Copy !req
372. I love to play Scrabble
but this is what I think is a betterCopy !req
373. version of Scrabble, which is
you have to make up your own words,Copy !req
374. but you have to convince the person
you're playing withCopy !req
375. of a definition of those words.
This is a game that meCopy !req
376. and my housemate genuinely
played at the start of this week.Copy !req
377. It is called Cult Scrabble.Copy !req
378. You can see at the bottom of the
board it just says CULT there.Copy !req
379. But, yes, for example, if you
look at the board now, there isCopy !req
380. DIARRIBA.Copy !req
381. That is explosive stomach illness
at a Mexican street festival.Copy !req
382. That's how you get that.
And the next one is CLEWTT, right?Copy !req
383. But he has only done that because
my housemate uses dental flossCopy !req
384. and flicks it at me.Copy !req
385. So that is what CLEWTT is.
In my house that's called pudding.Copy !req
386. And the next is my favourite one,
that's ASSOUGE which isCopy !req
387. when you accidentally give
yourself a bum massage.Copy !req
388. Can that happen accidentally?Copy !req
389. Let's say you brush up against
the table and you think, "Oh!"Copy !req
390. Just having a little ASSOUGE.Copy !req
391. It's not really an accident
but I am enjoying myself.Copy !req
392. Ladies and gentlemen, Josie Long!Copy !req
393. OK, so Sean and Rhod have 17,
Jon and Kevin have 17.Copy !req
394. And here is your teaser.
The words are PISS TOOL.Copy !req
395. The clue is, it will help it grow.Copy !req
396. That is PISS TOOL, it'll help it
grow. See you after the break.Copy !req
397. Welcome back. The answer to the
teaser. The words were PISS TOOL,Copy !req
398. and the clue was - it'll help it
grow. It was of course TOPSOILS.Copy !req
399. Before we move on,
it's time to welcome Rachel's
assistant, Joe Wilkinson!Copy !req
400. What's going on, Joe?
Why am I wearing a headset?Copy !req
401. It's because I've been promoted
to head of IT.Copy !req
402. And I got a bit of a pay rise,
so I decided to spendCopy !req
403. the bit of extra cash on having
four hunky guys carry me about.Copy !req
404. I also bought a new suit,Copy !req
405. but unfortunately, I completely
misjudged the length of my legs.Copy !req
406. All right, boys, off you pop.Copy !req
407. I met them down the allotment.Copy !req
408. Dressed like that. Weirdos.Copy !req
409. Joe, you mentioned
being promoted to head of IT...Copy !req
410. I'll prove it to you.Copy !req
411. Yeah, I got promoted to head of IT.
Don't really know what that means.Copy !req
412. But I've been told
I've got to add a bit of gadgetsCopy !req
413. and technology to the show,
cos it's er... shit.Copy !req
414. So they've got an app,
I've got a Countdown app,Copy !req
415. done that. It's just a few pictures
of Rachel and Susie in the shower.Copy !req
416. And I've also done
the old e-mail - we've already gotCopy !req
417. an e-mail from Nick Hewer, the
proper host. You know, the good one.Copy !req
418. He says he thinks
he's left something under the desk.Copy !req
419. He asks if you could check.Copy !req
420. Erm...Copy !req
421. Would it be...Copy !req
422. Is it that?
Oh, great. Yeah, he's got it.Copy !req
423. That's a My Little Pony lunchbox.
Is that...?Copy !req
424. I'll tell him you've got it.Copy !req
425. Let's play Countdown!Copy !req
426. OK, on with the game.Copy !req
427. Jon and Kevin,
your turn to choose the letters.Copy !req
428. Your honours, Jon.Copy !req
429. I've run out of fish.
This is the next big thing, mate,Copy !req
430. you mark my words.Copy !req
431. This is kale, spinach,
blueberries and mackerel.Copy !req
432. Is the mackerel swimming in itCopy !req
433. It looks like
a very unhygienic pond.Copy !req
434. It is the future, is what it is.Copy !req
435. We'll pick nine consonants
and I'll still get a 12-letter word.Copy !req
436. Right, consonant, please.Copy !req
437. By the way, if you don't like
some of the letters coming up,
you can buy a couple off me.Copy !req
438. I'll have a consonant, please.Copy !req
439. FCopy !req
440. And I'll have a vowel, please.Copy !req
441. OCopy !req
442. And I'll have another consonant,
please. There's no shitting wi-fi.Copy !req
443. Another consonant, please.Copy !req
444. KCopy !req
445. Joe?Copy !req
446. Kevin, me and you,
we're out now, we're fine.Copy !req
447. We've definitely
got a backup plan, anyway.Copy !req
448. There might be an S.Copy !req
449. What, SFORK?Copy !req
450. Nope.Copy !req
451. Can I have another constant, please?Copy !req
452. Yeah!Copy !req
453. I did a trick. I did a trick.Copy !req
454. And another vowel, please.Copy !req
455. ECopy !req
456. And a consonant, please.Copy !req
457. DCopy !req
458. FORKED!Copy !req
459. This whole game is FORKED.Copy !req
460. And a vowel, please.Copy !req
461. ACopy !req
462. And a consonant, please.Copy !req
463. And the last one... C.Copy !req
464. And your time starts now.Copy !req
465. Thanks, mate.Copy !req
466. I got a tattoo.Copy !req
467. Want to see it, Sean?Copy !req
468. It's a good one, isn't it?
What does it say?Copy !req
469. It says "Your mum".Copy !req
470. I was going to get one saying "Mum",
but I thought "Your mum" was nicer.Copy !req
471. Not mine, particularly, just
any one you meet. No, it's Jon's.Copy !req
472. I'm glad you love my mum,
she's a lovely lady.Copy !req
473. What have you got?Copy !req
474. You all right there, Jon?Copy !req
475. I can't swallow it.Copy !req
476. It's not actually bad, this.Copy !req
477. Yeah, it sounds good.
It's not so good on the way back.Copy !req
478. Can I say it's very difficult
sitting here listening to this shitCopy !req
479. when you've got an eight.Copy !req
480. Have you got an eight?Copy !req
481. I'm listening to you two
prattle on and thinking,Copy !req
482. "I've got an eight here."Copy !req
483. It's funny, I was distinctly
under the impressionCopy !req
484. that you'd got the eight
WHILE we were prattling on,Copy !req
485. but it's only a game.Copy !req
486. Ohhh!Copy !req
487. Whoo-hoo-hoo!Copy !req
488. I'm drinking shit and all
I've got is a fucking seven.Copy !req
489. Sean?Copy !req
490. I've got nine. You've got a nine?Copy !req
491. And Kevin? I've got three sixes,
a five and two sevens.Copy !req
492. I'll probably stick one of the
sevens in there. What's your seven?Copy !req
493. You know
when you're eating somethingCopy !req
494. and maybe you've got something
in it like mushroomsCopy !req
495. that you don't like,
and it ends up on your fork,Copy !req
496. and you need to sort of scrape it
off, you DEFORK the mushroom.Copy !req
497. And say you did it a few times,
and it's plural, he DEFORKS.Copy !req
498. And people go, "Look at that guy,Copy !req
499. "he always DEFORKS the mushroom."Copy !req
500. DEFORKS. Susie?Copy !req
501. Not in, but Kevin might
kick himself in a minute.Copy !req
502. Jon, what's your seven?Copy !req
503. This is a shout-out to the guys who
bring in my mackerel and my salmon.Copy !req
504. OK. Rhod, your eight.Copy !req
505. Wooo!Copy !req
506. It's either FORSAKED or FORSOOK.Copy !req
507. OK, Susie?Copy !req
508. FORSOOK... or FORSAKEN.Copy !req
509. All right - seven, FORSAKE.Copy !req
510. No FORSAKED.Copy !req
511. Oh, come on!Copy !req
512. Here, do you want a drink?Copy !req
513. Give me some of this.Copy !req
514. Thanks, pal.Copy !req
515. Sean, your nine-letter word.Copy !req
516. Er, DACEFORKS.Copy !req
517. Not in. No, it's there. It's there.Copy !req
518. OK, that is seven points to Jon!Copy !req
519. Josie, Susie,
what could they have had?Copy !req
520. We had an eight.Copy !req
521. But it's not a big deal for us.Copy !req
522. It's DEFROCKS.Copy !req
523. Not DEFORKS, but DEFROCKS.Copy !req
524. Yes, but when was the last time you
said "I'm going to go and DEFROCK"?Copy !req
525. People who have got mushroom
all over their dress.Copy !req
526. So at the end of that, Jon
and Kevin are in the lead with 24.Copy !req
527. On to another numbers round. Sean
and Rhod, you pick the numbers.Copy !req
528. I'll have the usual, please.Copy !req
529. I'm just in the middle
of Googling paving stones.Copy !req
530. What are you Googling, Joe?
Pictures of paving stones.Copy !req
531. For my spare bedroom.Copy !req
532. You're having paving stones in your
spare room? No, pictures, you idiot.Copy !req
533. Sorry.Copy !req
534. Right. This numbers game,Copy !req
535. we've got 7, 4...
That's a good 'un.Copy !req
536. ...5, 8...Copy !req
537. That's going in a frame.
...2 and 25 again.Copy !req
538. The target, 588.Copy !req
539. OK, your time starts now.Copy !req
540. Right, what have you got? Jon.Copy !req
541. I think I've got 588.Copy !req
542. Fabulous. OK, Kevin?
Yes, 588, 100%, definitely.Copy !req
543. Sean.Copy !req
544. Mood didn't take me.Copy !req
545. Just... started,
I just went, "No, not today".Copy !req
546. OK. Rhod?Copy !req
547. Well, I had a play around
with Rachel's numbers there,Copy !req
548. and, in the end, I found it
easier to use different ones.Copy !req
549. So I've got 588.Copy !req
550. But using your own methodology.
Yeah, 587 plus the 1.Copy !req
551. That's why you're the player
you are. Jon, how did you do it?Copy !req
552. I'll give it to the big man.Copy !req
553. All right. It's pretty no-frills,
Rachel, but we got there.Copy !req
554. It's 4 x 25...Copy !req
555. 4 x 25 = 100...Copy !req
556. 8 - 2 = 6... Yeah.Copy !req
557. 600. And then 7 + 5 is...Copy !req
558. Yep, well done, 588.Copy !req
559. 10 points to Kevin and Jon.Copy !req
560. The scores at the moment - Sean and
Rhod have 17, Jon and Kevin have 34.Copy !req
561. And here is your final teaser.
The words are ARSE RASH,Copy !req
562. and the clue is - get off my back.Copy !req
563. That's ARSE RASH - get off my back.
See you after the break.Copy !req
564. Welcome back.
The answer to the teaser.Copy !req
565. The words were ARSE RASH
and the clue was, "Get off my back."Copy !req
566. It was, of course, HARRASER.Copy !req
567. OK, time for our final letters game.
Rhod, your turn to choose.Copy !req
568. Er, a vowel, please.Copy !req
569. E... Another vowel.Copy !req
570. Another vowel. I.
Is this a speed camera? A.Copy !req
571. Congratulations, Rhod!Copy !req
572. You've won this week's
mystery prize!Copy !req
573. This week's mystery prize is...Copy !req
574. ...a fencing panel!Copy !req
575. Congratulations, Rhod!Copy !req
576. That's your fencing panel, you're
taking that home, that's safe.Copy !req
577. Unless, Rhod, you gamble.Copy !req
578. If you gamble, I'll ask you
a question about fencing panels.Copy !req
579. If you get that question right,
you will win another fencing panel.Copy !req
580. You will double your fencing panels.Copy !req
581. But if you get the question wrong,
you lose all your fencing panels.Copy !req
582. So think carefully.
Should he gamble?Copy !req
583. Gamble!
What are you going to do, Rhod?Copy !req
584. I'm going to ignore the nos
and I'm going to gamble.Copy !req
585. He's going to gamble!Copy !req
586. All right! Brave man!Copy !req
587. Brave man!Copy !req
588. You've gambled and your question to
double your fencing panels is...Copy !req
589. ... which of these creosotes
is best to useCopy !req
590. on a north-facing fencing panel
in a garden that is prone to damp?Copy !req
591. Is it A, Bartonline's oil-based
non-bio creosote...Copy !req
592. or, Creoseal 500
dark wood preservative?Copy !req
593. I know this, I know this.Copy !req
594. Don't tell him,
he's got to do it on his own, Sean.Copy !req
595. This is Rhod's question.Copy !req
596. I'm going to have to hurry you
for no particular reason.Copy !req
597. I'm going to say A.Copy !req
598. It's not! It's Creosote 500!Copy !req
599. Take it away, boys! I'm sorry!
Awwwww!Copy !req
600. He hasn't won anything.Copy !req
601. Let's play Countdown!Copy !req
602. Sorry, Rhod.Copy !req
603. Rhod, if you'd care to continue.Copy !req
604. Pick yourself up, boy.Copy !req
605. Consonant, please. Consonant, yeah.Copy !req
606. LCopy !req
607. Another consonant, please.Copy !req
608. HCopy !req
609. Another consonant, please.Copy !req
610. MCopy !req
611. Another consonant, please.Copy !req
612. YCopy !req
613. Just because.Copy !req
614. Another consonant, please.Copy !req
615. TCopy !req
616. No, I'm all right, thanks.Copy !req
617. Er, another...Copy !req
618. No, actually, I'll have a vowel,
this time, actually, Rachel.Copy !req
619. UCopy !req
620. OK, your time starts now.Copy !req
621. What have you got? Rhod?Copy !req
622. Rhod?Copy !req
623. Rhod?Copy !req
624. Go to somebody else for a minute.
Kevin?Copy !req
625. Jon or Sean, please.Copy !req
626. Jon? Nominate Rhod.Copy !req
627. It's 30 seconds, come on!Copy !req
628. I've got a seven.Copy !req
629. You've got a seven? OK. Sean.Copy !req
630. No.Copy !req
631. I've got... I've got a very cheeky,
risky four. You've got a risky four.Copy !req
632. You've got a four-letter word,
OK. Kevin?Copy !req
633. Um, I've got a five. OK, Rhod?Copy !req
634. I've got eight, but I'm very unhappy
with the spelling.Copy !req
635. Well, I can't help that, Rhod,
I can't help that, I'm sorry.Copy !req
636. Kevin, what have you got?Copy !req
637. I'm going to go for THYME,
but as in, you know, the crisps.Copy !req
638. T-H-Y-M-E.Copy !req
639. As in the crisps?Copy !req
640. As in the crisps.Copy !req
641. That is an insight
into a Glaswegian's diet.Copy !req
642. "You know, THYME, as in the crisps."Copy !req
643. I think they got the idea
for the crisps from a food.Copy !req
644. "You know, fruit,
as in Fruit Pastilles."Copy !req
645. Um, Sean, what was yours? TULE.Copy !req
646. T-U-L-E, TULE.Copy !req
647. Tule, Susie, is that in the
dictionary? Not that kind of tool.Copy !req
648. You know, you need a tool
like a hammer or a spanner,Copy !req
649. I need a TULE for this job.Copy !req
650. Rhod? I've got HUMIDITY
but I've spelt it H-M-T-Y.Copy !req
651. Is that a Welsh thing?Copy !req
652. It's just missing the D
in the middle.Copy !req
653. Step back and let a pro
step in and save the show.Copy !req
654. Somebody who has a lot of money,
is wealthy,Copy !req
655. someone who eats a lot of dinners,
is MEALTHY.Copy !req
656. It's seven letters, MEALTHY,
you're welcome, let's move on.Copy !req
657. No need to check it,
no need to check it!Copy !req
658. No MEALTHY, Jon, sorry.Copy !req
659. So the points there go to Kevin
Bridges for THYME, five letters.Copy !req
660. What?Copy !req
661. Um, Josie? We just got a six which
was HAMLET. Like a little village.Copy !req
662. OK. So Sean and Rhod have 17 points,
Jon and Kevin have 39.Copy !req
663. OK, fingers on buzzers.
You are playing...Copy !req
664. Jimmy, there's a woman there
not clapping.Copy !req
665. The woman in the green top,
she's not clapping... That's better.Copy !req
666. We've done well,
we've been trying hard.Copy !req
667. "I've seen better Countdowns!Copy !req
668. "I've been to
some of the legendary episodes.Copy !req
669. "And this is just not up to scratch."
OK.Copy !req
670. Don't wear a green jumper
and not clap.Copy !req
671. That's what I'm saying.Copy !req
672. If you're not going to clap,
wear a brown jumperCopy !req
673. like the fella in front.Copy !req
674. Yes, green, famously
not a good colour for camouflage.Copy !req
675. Not in a TV studio, Jimmy, actually.Copy !req
676. Mr I Can Very So Quickly
Say Something
Which People Might Laugh At!Copy !req
677. OK, fair point. Thank you.Copy !req
678. Fingers on buzzers, time for today's
Countdown Conundrum.Copy !req
679. What have you got?Copy !req
680. Well, I pressed quickly
cos I've got a wordCopy !req
681. and I don't think it's a word.Copy !req
682. I've got... oh, no.Copy !req
683. OK, start the clock again.Copy !req
684. He's done it again!Copy !req
685. Another week, he's done it!Copy !req
686. Rhod, Rhod, what have you got?Copy !req
687. PAINTINGS, boys, PAINTINGS.
He's done it again.Copy !req
688. So, let's have a look.Copy !req
689. Yet again, yet again!Copy !req
690. Rhod Gilbert, there,
losing in style.Copy !req
691. So the final scores are,
Sean and Rhod have 27,Copy !req
692. but tonight's winners with 39,
Jon and Kevin!Copy !req
693. Congratulations. There's your
dressing gown, look at that.Copy !req
694. Thanks to all our panellists,
our wonderful studio audienceCopy !req
695. and all of you for watching.
That's it from us, good night.Copy !req