3-South 1x7

1. I thought I was smart, I thought I was right.

2. I thought it better not to fight.

3. I thought there was a virtue in always being cool.

4. Cause I'm a man, I'm not a boy.

5. And there are things you can't avoid.

6. You have to face them when you're not prepared to face them.

7. And there are things you can't avoid.

8. You have to face them when you're not prepared to face them.

9. That don't seem right.

10. Oops, I forgot.

11. Dude.

12. What the hell is that?

13. Gentlemen, that is the sound of your destiny.

14. Cool, we're gonna be robots.

15. Hey Joe, where were you last night?

16. I pulled another all-nighter.

17. Wow, you really know how to party.

18. I'm thirsty.

19. Hey Joe, are you gonna drink that Coke?

20. No, you want it?

21. Whoops, I spilled it in my mouth.

22. Whoops, there I go again.

23. I keep spilling it in my mouth.

24. Wow, Joe's clumsy.

25. It's probably all that partying.

26. Do you have any change for the soda machine?

27. I have this penny, but I'm gonna put it on the train tracks.

28. Then I'll sell it for two pennies.

29. Then I'll just repeat the process until I have more money than Jesus.

30. But that could take hours.

31. I'm thirsty now.

32. If you want a Coke, why don't you just tip the soda machine like everybody else?

33. We don't have enough money to pay for a Coke.

34. We can't afford to tip the machine.

35. No, tilt it over.

36. Like 15%.

37. If you're generous, 18%.

38. Can you show me how?

39. I'd love to, but I don't want to.

40. I gotta get psyched up for my new business venture.

41. Ah, Jesus.

42. You think you're such a fat cat with your pointy crown and your fancy wine parties?

43. You're going down.

44. Amen.

45. This isn't so hard.

46. Let's see.

47. I better tell it which one I want.

48. Oh my God!

49. Someone left this can of fizzle water on the floor all by its lonesome!

50. My whole life is flashing in front of my eyes.

51. Oh no, here comes the part where the soda machine falls on me.

52. Aw, crap.

53. Alright, so you say it burns when you pee.

54. What?

55. No, it's my arm.

56. So your arm burns when you pee.

57. Have you been sexually active lately?

58. Do you know any chicks that like to party?

59. Uh, ow.

60. Uh, ow.

61. Uh, ow.

62. Uh, ow.

63. Uh, ow.

64. Uh, ow.

65. Would you stop that?

66. I'm trying to study.

67. Dude, why are you always working so hard?

68. What's it gonna get you?

69. My undergraduate degree.

70. That's it?

71. No, then I'll go to medical school, become a highly

72. paid surgeon, have a corner office, and luxury cars.

73. That's it?

74. No, then I'll have the freedom to retire, relax, and do nothing.

75. I'm already doing nothing.

76. Wow, I'm way ahead of the game.

77. Did God ever create a more pathetic individual?

78. Surprise inspection!

79. Get out of here.

80. Will do.

81. I'm still thirsty.

82. Me too.

83. Let's get some cokes.

84. We still don't have any change.

85. Check behind my ear.

86. My uncle used to find quarters back there all the time.

87. No, there's just this lump.

88. It looks pretty soft.

89. Oh my God.

90. Sweet.

91. We gotta remember that one.

92. Well, that's even better than when I pull your finger.

93. Man, I'd do anything for just one little coke.

94. Where could we get some change?

95. Joe said that's strictly off limits, like his change jar.

96. Yeah, but this is kind of an emergency.

97. But don't you think he'll know?

98. How's he possibly gonna know?

99. What the... Oh, time for my FibreCon.

100. Score?

101. Sweet.

102. And then I was like, dude, what are you doing, dude?

103. No way.

104. He lost the receipt.

105. Classic.

106. You guys have been into my change jar, haven't you?

107. What?

108. No.

109. Where'd you get a crazy idea like that?

110. Um...

111. Those cans were given to us by a friendly hobo.

112. His name was Hobo... Hobosteen.

113. I clearly can't trust you two imbeciles.

114. I'm going to class and I'm taking my change jar with me.

115. Idiots.

116. No respect for personal property.

117. I told you, I don't have any money.

118. I know.

119. That's why I'm so pissed off.

120. My arms are getting tired.

121. Hit yourself for a while.

122. Not like that.

123. I fight dirty.

124. Hey, why are you hitting yourself?

125. You just told me to.

126. That's the kind of backtalk that'll get your ass kicked.

127. Is there nothing I can say that will result in more beatings?

128. The only thing that could save you now is if a more obvious target walks by.

129. Try to take change from me.

130. If you want to talk about how you were just victimized, my door is always open.

131. Just like my appendix scar.

132. The bad news is you sustained a lot of internal injuries.

133. The good news is the baby's going to be just fine.

134. But I'm a man.

135. Are you sure?

136. I was punched in the stomach.

137. Why are you taking my temperature?

138. I don't know.

139. Must be some reason I brought a thermometer in here.

140. Dr. Anderson, did you get that rectal temperature

141. reading from the Kidney exam room too?

142. Wait!

143. You're doing it all wrong!

144. What do you know about it?

145. I'm going to be a doctor someday myself, but

146. not in a crappy student health center like this.

147. I used to think that when I was your age.

148. Of course, I wasn't drinking nearly as much cough syrup back then.

149. With all due respect, doctor, you can't compare the two of us.

150. I was valedictorian of my high school.

151. So was I.

152. I graduated in three and a half years.

153. Three!

154. I was president of Future Doctors of America.

155. Founded it.

156. Anyway, I had grand plans like you did once.

157. Corner office, fancy car.

158. I don't get it.

159. What happened?

160. I went to Barter College.

161. It was all downhill from there.

162. Does anybody from this school go on to succeed?

163. I don't know.

164. Most students I treat don't even survive, let alone go on to succeed.

165. Now, have you ever shared any needles with anyone?

166. No.

167. Well, you're about to.

168. George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson.

169. These people went to Barter College?

170. Oh, I thought you wanted a list of presidents.

171. No.

172. I clearly ask you if there have been any successful graduates from Barter College.

173. Well, many Barter graduates have gone on to be standouts in their fields.

174. Some are even quite famous.

175. Really?

176. Sure.

177. There was Jeff Gillooly.

178. And then there was one other one.

179. No, that was Jeff Gillooly.

180. Aren't there any alumni who run a hospital or built a business?

181. Well, there is Irwin Epstein.

182. Would you like to meet him?

183. Yes.

184. I bet you regret mouthing off to me about the presidents then, don't you?

185. What?

186. Say you're sorry.

187. But... Say it.

188. I'm sorry.

189. Who's the queen?

190. You are.

191. Who's the little peasant boy who doesn't know his place?

192. I am.

193. Who's willing to dance for this address?

194. What a tool.

195. Mr. Epstein, it's a pleasure to finally meet a Barter graduate who...

196. You did attend Barter College, right?

197. Oh, you bet your boots I did.

198. I studied film production and journalism at Barter.

199. Parlayed that into a media empire.

200. Publishing. Home video.

201. A lot of home video.

202. What kind of home video?

203. Irwin Epstein, you're under arrest for jaywalking.

204. Oh, and also the production and sale of child pornography.

205. I hope you get the chair.

206. Joe, be a dear and set the house on fire.

207. I'll transfer anywhere.

208. It doesn't have to be Ivy League.

209. Just get me out of Barter.

210. I said one phone call, pervert.

211. You want to spend tonight in the hole?

212. Can I, please?

213. I'm still thirsty.

214. Aww yeah, this is gonna be sweet.

215. Tastes like kissing grandpa.

216. Except with more coke and less tongue.

217. And that's how I started a recycling program that

218. raised money for cancer and manatees at the same time.

219. Impressive.

220. Joe, I don't foresee any problem whatsoever with making you a Beloit student.

221. Now, what school will you be transferring from?

222. Barter College.

223. Sorry.

224. Where are you transferring from?

225. Barter College.

226. Oh, sorry.

227. And from which college will you be transferring?

228. Barter College.

229. Barter.

230. So, that's okay?

231. Yeah, why wouldn't it be?

232. Oh, no reason.

233. No reason at all.

234. Now I have a couple more questions, just a formality really.

235. First, have you ever been arrested?

236. I remember this one time I was at a gas station with my father and he had some

237. change and now first I went to the bathroom to wash my hands, but the only

238. soap they had was that powdery pink stuff that looks like it tastes like bubblegum,

239. but it doesn't.

240. Would you get to the point?

241. Anyway, I went outside and got a coke and then this

242. guy grabbed me and threw me in the trunk of his car.

243. You got a coke?

244. Where is it?

245. I drank it like seven years ago.

246. You are so selfish.

247. Stop telling me stuff that already happened.

248. You used to like it when I told you stories.

249. When did I like that?

250. Well, there was this one... Shut up!

251. You're driving me crazy with your stupid stories that

252. go nowhere except to the annoyed part of my brain.

253. Well, I don't know why I ever started hanging out with you.

254. You're just a big, dumb, obnoxious jackass.

255. Now I'm getting out of here before one of us says something he'll regret.

256. I heard you had a jackass in here.

257. Where is it?

258. I want to pull its ears.

259. No one else will have me? Fine.

260. I'll get my tuition back in school myself.

261. I'll be the teacher and the student.

262. I'll bring myself an apple.

263. I like apples.

264. I'm sorry, but we can't refund your tuition.

265. Why not?

266. It's already been invested in campus physical assets.

267. What does that mean?

268. We bought a gumball machine.

269. You spent my tuition on a gumball machine?

270. Now don't say anything till you've tried one of these babies.

271. This isn't even a gumball.

272. It's a super ball.

273. I'll say it's super.

274. I've been working on the same one for three weeks now.

275. You idiots.

276. That big metal man's got bloomers for a head cozy.

277. Beer fight!

278. That's great.

279. You guys are hilarious.

280. How refreshing.

281. Now I won't have to shower or drink for weeks.

282. Hey, you don't even have to open them.

283. That's even better.

284. Oh, Barter, you do have your charms.

285. Too bad I'll have to destroy you.

286. You're so full of yourself.

287. And your Coke.

288. And your Cherry Coke.

289. And your Diet Coke.

290. And your caffeine-free Diet Coke.

291. Well, you can keep your smug self-righteousness and your Fanta.

292. Thanks to you, I'm thirsty, my head hurts, and my best friend thinks I'm a jerk.

293. How dare you?

294. Maybe you can intimidate a freshman,

295. but if you think you can push me around, you're right.

296. Oh.

297. Here, go down to the shelter and get some soup.

298. And a bath.

299. Then put on that slinky little red number I like and give me a call.

300. Vengeance is at hand.

301. Fire me, will they?

302. Well, I'll show them!

303. Morning, Joe.

304. Philip.

305. Still thirsty?

306. Yeah.

307. You want to share a Coke?

308. Sweet.

309. Here, let me try.

310. Dude, I'm not walking away without a Coke.

311. Let's just tilt the machine.

312. No, when I tried that it was a disaster.

313. The thing's too heavy.

314. But this time we'll try it together.

315. You and me.

316. What do you say, pal?

317. Let's do it.

318. Score!

319. Dude, I can't...

320. We're stuck!

321. Don't worry.

322. It's boring at first.

323. But you fall asleep after a while.

324. Hey, Del, I'm cold.

325. Stop hogging the soda machine.

326. Soon, Barter College, you will taste the hellish inferno that is my wrath.

327. Stupid manual transmission, you too will taste the hellish inferno that is my wrath.

328. Who you honking at, minivan?

329. Well, it looks like this arm's been injured before.

330. It has.

331. Well, whoever fixed it did a really shoddy job.

332. You did it.

333. Look, I'd love to chat, boys, but I'm kind of late for happy hour.

334. It started ten minutes ago, so I'm really gonna

335. have to pound them down to catch up with Mom.

336. What about my elbow?

337. It still bends the wrong way.

338. Should we take him to the hospital, Dr. Anderson?

339. Nope, I can handle this.

340. Where I went to med school, the only thing more common than arrow wounds were hookers.

341. And I handled a lot of both.

342. Do you know how many Cokes we could buy if we got that back?

343. No.

344. Me neither.

345. Let's grab it.

346. Goodbye, Barter.

347. My change jar.

348. We got this back for you.

349. You did?

350. That's the nicest thing anyone's done for me.

351. Possibly ever.

352. Dude, what's with the truck?

353. Are you moving out?

354. Uh...

355. No.

356. I've just been having a bad couple days, that's all.

357. You know what would make you feel better?

358. A Coke.

359. Pretty much all brown liquids are good.

360. No, wait a minute.

361. Yeah, that's right.

362. That sounds good.

363. What do you say we all get one?

364. I'm buying.

365. Hey Joe, can I honk the horn?

366. No.

367. I hate that machine.

368. Oh, I can almost taste the Coke.

369. It tasted like a sugary miracle.

370. Wait, I have an idea.

371. This one's even more shook up than the first six.

372. Crap!

373. Crap!

374. Crap!

375. Crap!

376. A lot more nonsense on the next Three South.

377. Do something.

378. Well, I don't really have jurisdiction here.

379. This is your floor.

380. Grow a spine.

381. Take charge.

382. Loud Daddy scares Toddy.

383. Loud Daddy scares Toddy.