1. Liz, there's someone
in the apartment.
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2. Criss, I...
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3. Criss! Criss, it's okay.
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4. I really don't care about
Valentine's.
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5. But you're a lady.
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6. Right?
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7. Why haven't I seen pictures
of you as a baby?
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8. You know what I like
to celebrate on February 14th?
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9. The 1920 founding of
the league of women voters
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10. in Chicago, Illinois.
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11. They were
supposed to meet
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12. on the 13th,
but they all got lost, so...
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13. But Valentine's Day
is fun, Liz.
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14. I wrote you a song,
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15. I found you an awesome clip
on Youtube.
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16. Good morning, everybody.
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17. I'm hanging out with
my friend, John.
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18. Fox 5 morning news starts...
Look over there.
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19. And it starts right now.
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20. Oh, boy.
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21. And that's
just the beginning.
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22. All right, Chros,
all right.
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23. What else do you have planned?
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24. I don't know.
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25. How about dinner
at some place amazing?
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26. You're kidding, right?
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27. It's New York, on Valentine's.
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28. You need a reservation.
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29. All right, so I'll make one.
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30. Right now.
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31. No, it's too late.
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32. Happy
"league of women voters day."
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33. Oh, I've got a better idea.
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34. I will make you dinner at home.
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35. Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass,
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36. we'll open some of that wine
we didn't give the super
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37. for Christmas because you
decided it would come off
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38. as racist.
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39. Oh, I'm glad we gave him
those G.E.D. books instead.
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40. We're gonna
use real silverware.
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41. We're gonna light some candles.
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42. We'll play the soundtrack
to Major League.
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43. You're making fun of me,
but that love song is awesome.
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44. All in the comfort
of our own living room.
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45. Look, Criss, you need to know
what you're up against here.
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46. I am 0 for 40
on Valentine's Day.
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47. I will waste you!
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48. You'll have to go through
this old bastard first!
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49. Bon Jovi.
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50. No, no, no, no, no,
Lemon.
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51. Uh, Liz,
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52. you know, my mom did just die.
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53. Will you be my Valentine?
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54. I just realized I'm gay.
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55. If this is going
to be "unterrible"
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56. for the first time ever,
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57. I'm not eating off
a coffee table.
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58. Well, you know,
for thousands of years
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59. Japanese diners have used
traditional tatami mats...
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60. Whoa, okay, no, no, no.
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61. We'll get a real table.
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62. But we're going
to need one by tonight.
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63. That leaves us
only one option.
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64. We, as a couple,
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65. are going to Ikea.
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66. Were you playing golf?
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67. It's freezing out.
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68. Yes, I was.
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69. In Avery's absence, I have
extra time each day to, uh,
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70. how do I put this?
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71. Release some energy.
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72. Are we talking
about something gross?
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73. My animus has become pent up.
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74. Why don't you just
come out and say
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75. you haven't had
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76. "mommy-daddy
sheet monster times."
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77. I'm not about to cheat
on the woman I love,
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78. and I've never "mommy-daddy
sheet monstered" myself.
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79. Never? Not even during
the Love Boat reunion?
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80. Anyway, sorry you're alone.
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81. I certainly know what it's like
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82. to have
a crummy Valentine's Day.
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83. We're not going to chili's
until I hit one.
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84. Go tell the guy the machine's
not fast enough.
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85. Ow!
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86. I would kill to get hit in the
crotch by a baseball today.
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87. Not only is my wife
12,000 miles away,
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88. my mother-in-law
has decided to visit.
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89. Oh, no. I've never had
a mother-in-law,
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90. but I have seen
Everybody loves Raymond.
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91. "Debra, where's the figurine
I gave you?
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92. Raymond, I gave Debra
a figurine."
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93. "Ma!"
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94. The Jessups are very white
and very proper.
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95. The first Jessup moved
to this country in 1760
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96. to avoid an embarrassing
regifting incident.
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97. But, my lord, I gave you these
dueling pistols last yuletide.
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98. Yes, of course.
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99. Now, if you'll excuse me.
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100. It's been difficult
to get Diana to acknowledge
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101. the reality of what's happened
to her daughter.
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102. What is she,
an Egyptian crocodile?
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103. 'Cause she is in "denial."
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104. I've had two coffees.
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105. Anyway,
you'll be happy to hear
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106. that I am giving Valentine's
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107. a second chance this year.
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108. Oh, and here we are on six.
For the first...
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109. What a shame.
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110. It felt like we were
just getting started.
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111. "Ma!"
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112. 30 ROCK
S06 Ep. 06 - Hey, Baby, What's Wrong
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113. Hazel, most people think
of Valentine's Day
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114. as a celebration of the burning
of a catholic loudmouth, but
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115. it's also about love.
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116. And escort prices
going way up.
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117. Okay, so, how appropriate
that on Valentine's,
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118. I introduce you to
the new love of your life:
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119. This job, and everyone here.
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120. This is kind of the nerve center of
TGS..., the page desk.
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121. I've had a desk before.
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122. I managed
a haunted house upstate.
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123. But, as you know,
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124. the haunted house industry
is a real boys' club.
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125. Sure, it's hard,
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126. changing careers at my age.
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127. Well, I wouldn't know anything
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128. about being too old
for something.
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129. But here I am, in New York,
living at a 24 hour fitness,
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130. just ready to be inspired.
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131. Hazel, right?
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132. Yeah.
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133. It's so great to have a woman
page here...
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134. Thanks.
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135. To test unapproved Japanese
medications on.
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136. Swallow.
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137. Swallow.
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138. Good girl.
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139. Now, let me know if all
your pubic hair falls out.
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140. Oh, my God!
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141. Oh, no, that's what
it's supposed to do.
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142. I want to make sure
it doesn't cause seizures.
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143. Sorry to crash
this sausage party...
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144. Unnecessary.
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145. But I have an emergency.
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146. Sebastian, the producer of
America's kidz got singing,
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147. OD'd last night
in Guy Fieri's apartment.
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148. Oh, my God, that's terrible.
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149. Terrible for me.
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150. Oh, my God, that's terrible.
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151. Tonight's our first live show,
I'm singing,
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152. and we don't have
a line producer.
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153. So I need to borrow Pete.
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154. On Valentine's Day?
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155. No, Pete's got to
go home to his wife.
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156. Actually, Paula didn't want
to do anything for Valentine's,
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157. so she's just going
out to dinner
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158. with her tennis instructor,
mark.
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159. Perfect.
Sound check's at 1:00.
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160. I'm having Sebastian's lucky
earring sent from the morgue.
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161. Wear it.
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162. So you're not spending
tonight with Paul?
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163. No, Paul's been performing on
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164. a transvestite cruise
for the last month.
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165. It's called "Caribbean queens"
for emphasize "No more love on the run".
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166. Billy Ocean is furious,
and very litigious.
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167. But he's powerless as long as they
stay in international waters.
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168. Sure.
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169. Since you asked,
Criss and I are going to Ikea.
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170. For the hate-sex
after your fight?
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171. Good idea.
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172. No, we're not going to fight.
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173. We're getting one thing.
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174. I have a plan...
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175. Nah,
you're going to fight.
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176. Ikea's where I used
to go pick up
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177. newly-single vulnerable chicks.
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178. I've gotten women there two,
three points hotter than me.
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179. So, you know... fours.
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180. Look, I don't want to go.
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181. But we need a table.
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182. And if Criss thinks he's the guy
to get Liz Lemon on board
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183. with "Saint
lame-entine's nay"...
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184. Oh, honey, that sucks.
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185. We better be able to survive
a simple trip to Ikea.
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186. No, Liz, don't test it.
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187. Especially this early
in a relationship.
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188. It's like when Mickey Rourke
tested his catapult on me.
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189. Wow, I was almost listening.
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190. Where are you going?
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191. You never take my advice.
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192. Ms. Maroney.
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193. Oh, thank you, Kenneth.
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194. We'll take a pube count,
but it doesn't feel worth it.
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195. Maybe I'm hitting
them too hard.
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196. And I should not have walked
past that sporting goods store
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197. where the mannequins
have nipples.
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198. And what race were
those mannequins,
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199. because their skin was gray.
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200. They were like
faceless sex aliens.
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201. - Jack.
- Oh.
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202. Diana, you're here,
I thought you'd be at the house.
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203. Oh, yes, I dropped my bags off
and shook hands with the baby,
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204. but I wanted to come talk
to you about Avery's situation.
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205. Oh, what situation is that?
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206. According to
your Christmas letter,
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207. Avery is in Asia on business.
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208. You know
that she was kidnapped
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209. by the north Korean
secret police.
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210. Don't be vulgar.
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211. As we said in the letter,
she'll be back soon
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212. with some charming
Asian ceramics.
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213. I'm sorry, but who is this
"we" you keep referring to?
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214. Your husband has been dead
for 15 years.
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215. Wonderful news. You know
our pacing horse, squanto?
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216. She's foaling in the spring.
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217. Diana, I know
the Jessups don't like
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218. to talk about
unpleasant matters.
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219. But sometimes I feel like
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220. I'm the only person trying
to get Avery back.
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221. Well, that is what
I wanted to discuss.
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222. It has been months, and I feel
like nothing has happened.
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223. Diana,
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224. extracting an American
from North Korea is a, uh...
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225. Oh.
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226. Is a lot more difficult
than organizing
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227. a round-Robin paddle
tennis tournament.
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228. What about organizing
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229. three round-Robin paddle
tennis tournaments?
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230. I heard that one
of them was a disaster.
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231. Who told you that?
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232. Bebe Butler?
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233. Oh, she's trying
to destroy me.
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234. This situation has
become embarrassing.
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235. One of Frederick's
old Washington friends
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236. has some connections with
the Transylvanian consulate
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237. at the united nations.
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238. I made an appointment
for both of us.
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239. Let me stop you right there.
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240. I've been to the U.N.
repeatedly.
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241. Mein herr,
meine frau Avery Jessup...
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242. Kim Jong-Il
vuvuzela
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243. Charlize Theron...
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244. Boomerang my Sheila back
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245. to her Joey, mate.
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246. And it's gotten me nowhere.
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247. The U.N. is
a useless organization,
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248. with a ridiculous army.
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249. Robin's egg blue helmets?
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250. Great camouflage,
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251. if you're invading
an easter egg hunt.
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252. Jack, perhaps you're
not having success
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253. because of that attitude.
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254. I find you catch
more flies with honey.
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255. First of all,
why do you want flies?
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256. Our appointment is at 11:00.
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257. Strewth, what a bull-dingered
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258. Valentine's Day.
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259. Oh, and Jack?
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260. I speak Australian.
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261. Wow, let ferry ride,
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262. was the first time when we've
ever been on a boat together.
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263. Unless you count that time
when the goose chased you
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264. into the Central Park boat pond.
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265. Criss, I need
to ask you something.
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266. Have you ever been to an Ikea?
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267. Do you know what
we're walking into?
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268. You know what?
I like myself.
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269. I have good taste in drapes.
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270. I wish I'd died on Iwo Jima
and never met you.
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271. Whoa.
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272. What was that?
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273. Not us.
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274. We are a good team,
and we have a plan.
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275. We're going to go in, get the
kurtz with the birch veneer,
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276. and then get out.
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277. Then go home and have
an amazing night together.
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278. I just got my period.
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279. Liz, what are
you worried about?
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280. Come on,
this is gonna be fun.
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281. I'm going back
to those cute bowls.
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282. I swear to God,
I will stab you!
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283. So tense.
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284. Just like my mom's back.
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285. Dude, what was that?
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286. I just don't want
to be alone today.
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287. In 48 years, I haven't
had one good Valentine's.
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288. Man, if I weren't
with Lynn now
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289. we could team up.
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290. Valentine's Day
is the perfect time
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291. to meet vulnerable women.
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292. It's scumbag Christmas!
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293. Just tell me what to do.
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294. Look, guys like us have
to pick low-hanging fruit.
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295. We look like Far side drawings.
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296. So we go where women are
sad, desperate, and weak...
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297. Cat shelters, blood banks,
the ice cream stand
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298. at a Celtic woman concert...
And we strike.
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299. Another good place
is the beauty salon,
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300. where white girls try
to do black hair.
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301. Sisters come out crying, feeling
all bad about themselves,
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302. and we walk up on them all,
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303. "Hey, baby,
what's wrong?"
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304. You're married,
I actually have a girlfriend,
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305. all our dirtbag knowledge
is going to go to waste.
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306. No, it's not.
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307. Lutz, prepare for
the adventure of a lifetime.
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308. Then after we watch
Fievel goes west,
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309. we're gonna get you some action.
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310. Hey, you needed to see me?
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311. Did you book a female
hair-person for me tonight?
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312. Who's Karen?
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313. I need someone named Trentence,
or Orbino.
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314. Get in the game, Pete.
Your star is freaking out.
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315. What are you freaking
out about?
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316. You sing live all the time.
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317. This is different.
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318. It's not some rinky-dink
late night show
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319. that a bald idiot produces.
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320. It's the largest audience
I've ever performed for.
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321. And after spending all season
ripping cute kids new ones,
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322. everyone wants me to fail.
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323. Tomorrow night on
America's kidz got singing,
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324. the judge becomes
the opposite of the judge.
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325. Come on, guys,
a little effort.
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326. Jenna Maroney's singing live,
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327. and all of America is just
waiting for that
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328. To get over and over
and over again with a.
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329. Nice bleeping.
Sorry about earlier.
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330. Jenna, you need to relax.
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331. Listen up, if tonight isn't
a huge "jiumph,"
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332. which is short for
"Jenna triumph,"
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333. it's on you.
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334. And like all celebrities,
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335. I'm very good
at shifting the blame.
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336. I attacked Nancy Kerrigan.
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337. - Did you get my message?
- Yes, your excellency.
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338. And I also wish you,
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339. a "bear-y" happy
Valentine's Day.
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340. He said it'll be another hour.
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341. The assistant attache has
a few minutes around 14:30.
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342. 14:30? You do know that this
office is in America, right?
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343. Do you see a 14
on my watch?
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344. Yes, it's the date.
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345. Happy Valentine's Day.
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346. That's cute.
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347. And what insolvent country
do you come from?
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348. New Jersey.
I'm just a weirdo.
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349. Will you please
stop being so hostile?
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350. You just make everything worse.
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351. No wonder you haven't
accomplished anything.
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352. You know what?
Avery loved a good fight.
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353. She used to call the cable
company and dispute our bill,
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354. just for the sport of it.
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355. She wouldn't stand for
this dog and pony show.
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356. I have organized several
dog and pony shows,
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357. and I'm offended
by what you're implying.
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358. How are you Avery's mother?
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359. We have a few things
in common, Jack.
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360. We both married much,
much older men,
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361. which can be hard,
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362. or, more often, flaccid.
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363. I have an idea. Maybe,
we just don't talk at all.
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364. Maybe we sit quietly
and read our, uh,
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365. soccer magazine.
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366. Mr. Jordan's lizard, Jeremy,
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367. is always escaping
and biting everyone.
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368. Like owner, like lizard.
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369. Oh, man.
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370. That's why Mr. Jordan got him
a GPS collar.
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371. Now it's easier to find...
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372. Huh, well that can't be.
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373. It says he's inside the room.
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374. Maybe you're reading it wrong?
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375. Three feet, two feet,
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376. it says he's right on top of us.
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377. Oh!
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378. Oh, my God, my face.
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379. Oh! Oh!
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380. He's mating with my mouth.
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381. He likes you!
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382. Here's a good one.
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383. Go to a strip club
on Father's Day,
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384. and shout things like,
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385. "I'm proud of you!"
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386. Classic.
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387. Where's Pete?
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388. I just dyed my gums because I
want them to pop on camera.
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389. But now they're burning.
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390. Another way
to meet damaged women
Copy !req
391. is to hang out with actresses.
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392. Actresses?
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393. Where? How young are they?
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394. I'll do nudity.
Copy !req
395. Back in the day,
used to work as a stock boy
Copy !req
396. in a chic uptown
department store,
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397. called "Ray-Ray's discount
clothes bucket."
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398. I would go to
the swimsuit section
Copy !req
399. and switch the tags.
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400. I'd take a size six and put
a size twelve sticker on it.
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401. And then some thick girl
would try to squeeze into it,
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402. and come out of
the dressing room like,
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403. "I've gotten bigger.
Why do I even bother dieting?"
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404. And I'm all like,
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405. "Hey, baby, what's wrong?"
Copy !req
406. You know, a great place to meet
vulnerable women is weight watchers.
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407. I did "watchers"
to stay pageant-fit,
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408. but it was too much math
for a six-year-old.
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409. Thank God I found cigarettes.
Copy !req
410. "Weight watchers," got it.
Copy !req
411. And if worse comes to worse,
Copy !req
412. make the lady feel vulnerable.
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413. Check this out.
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414. Aah!
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415. Oh, baby, did someone
throw cereal on you?
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416. Let's get you out
of these wet clothes.
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417. Oh, what is wrong
with you people?
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418. Whatever.
Copy !req
419. Jeremy says she's
a tease anyway.
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420. Now, let's hit
weight watchers.
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421. How is there
no signal in here?
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422. Silence, prisoner.
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423. I mean, can I help you,
valued customer?
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424. Ah, there you are.
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425. What are you doing?
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426. Buying stuff for tonight,
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427. to make it awesome.
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428. Look, salt and pepper shakers.
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429. You put them together,
it makes a heart.
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430. Take them apart,
two red sperms.
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431. We're not getting that.
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432. What's with
the "neggy" vibes, jeez.
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433. I can get things.
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434. Not if you're
not paying for them.
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435. Heh!
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436. Let's go get that table,
buddy.
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437. Ikea.
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438. First things first.
Copy !req
439. I am from Transylvania,
Copy !req
440. but I am not a vampire.
Copy !req
441. I'm just a night owl with
a terrible garlic allergy.
Copy !req
442. So, this is regarding that boy
Copy !req
443. who went missing in my castle?
Copy !req
444. No, we're here about my wife.
Copy !req
445. My daughter, Avery Jessup,
she's in North Korea.
Copy !req
446. Ah, yes, the Jessup case.
Copy !req
447. Yes, I would like to speak
to Kim Jong-Un, immediately.
Copy !req
448. That is unacceptable.
Copy !req
449. I understand.
Copy !req
450. The operator wouldn't let
me dial long-distance.
Copy !req
451. So, thank you both for coming.
Copy !req
452. Oh, no.
Copy !req
453. That is exactly what
I expected would happen.
Copy !req
454. Oh, does that hurt?
Copy !req
455. Well, I'm so sorry.
Copy !req
456. Well that is just
the beginning, you... penis!
Copy !req
457. This isn't some
idiotic civil war
Copy !req
458. in some country without oil.
Copy !req
459. This is my favorite daughter.
Copy !req
460. And she is a beautiful
white American.
Copy !req
461. So why the fudge isn't
Copy !req
462. everyone fudging freaking
the fudge out!
Copy !req
463. She's right.
Copy !req
464. You are a penis!
Copy !req
465. I'm going to call security.
Copy !req
466. One of the guys has a whistle.
Copy !req
467. Vampire push.
Copy !req
468. Did you just threaten her?
Copy !req
469. I want you to apologize
to this woman, right now.
Copy !req
470. I am a very powerful man.
Copy !req
471. I can see to it
that Transylvania
Copy !req
472. never sees another
episode of Friends.
Copy !req
473. No! Monica and Chandler just
slept together in London.
Copy !req
474. I'm... I'm sorry.
Copy !req
475. Okay. Now admit
the U.N. is useless.
Copy !req
476. It is. Half the building
is a laser tag arena.
Copy !req
477. Admit it's annoying
when Bono comes around.
Copy !req
478. Oh, it's the worst.
Copy !req
479. Every time he says he's not
hungry when we collect money
Copy !req
480. for pizza, and then
he eats, like, three slices.
Copy !req
481. Oh, you disgust me.
Copy !req
482. Come on, let's go.
Copy !req
483. Oh, and, Cjokula,
Copy !req
484. at Monica and Chandler's
wedding,
Copy !req
485. Rachel's the one
who is pregnant.
Copy !req
486. Ah, finally, tables.
Copy !req
487. Stop walking so close to me!
Copy !req
488. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
489. It's this place.
Copy !req
490. But also, if you would
just let me get a few steps
Copy !req
491. ahead of you first,
and then you walk?
Copy !req
492. I found it.
Copy !req
493. Nice.
Copy !req
494. What?
Copy !req
495. Eh, it's nice, it's just...
Copy !req
496. I don't know if I'm feeling it,
you know?
Copy !req
497. What about this idea?
Copy !req
498. I know a guy who cuts glass...
Copy !req
499. No. I took measurements,
Copy !req
500. I looked at colors,
we came here.
Copy !req
501. This is the plan.
Copy !req
502. Yeah, it's just
that this table,
Copy !req
503. it feels kind of uptight.
Copy !req
504. And I think something
a little more fun
Copy !req
505. would be a better table,
for me.
Copy !req
506. Oh, well,
I don't know, Criss.
Copy !req
507. Maybe a more fun table
wouldn't be as supportive.
Copy !req
508. Mm.
Copy !req
509. What? No, no,
we are not doing this.
Copy !req
510. We are not letting this table
Copy !req
511. be a metaphor
for our relationship.
Copy !req
512. That's what Ikea wants us to do.
Copy !req
513. I'm just not sure my chair
wants to be with this table.
Copy !req
514. Why, because
deep down your chair
Copy !req
515. would rather be
with other chairs?
Copy !req
516. Wow, I think the table
Copy !req
517. needs to stop listening
to its mother.
Copy !req
518. Well, it's just
the table thinks the chair
Copy !req
519. takes too many camping trips
with Richard.
Copy !req
520. Almost there, teammate.
Copy !req
521. To the warehouse!
Copy !req
522. Seriously?
"Zoo York."
Copy !req
523. Okay, everybody,
sound check for Ms. Maroney.
Copy !req
524. No, I don't want
a live band.
Copy !req
525. Live bands make mistakes.
Copy !req
526. Pete, I have
made love to Alfonso,
Copy !req
527. he can't keep rhythm,
get him out of here.
Copy !req
528. That's a wrap on Alfonso.
Copy !req
529. Alfonso Disparioso, everybody.
Copy !req
530. This is your moment.
Copy !req
531. The world breathes for you.
Copy !req
532. I love you, myself.
Copy !req
533. And playback.
Copy !req
534. Jenna, you're not singing.
Copy !req
535. Yes, I am.
Copy !req
536. I'm sorry I was such
an Italian in there,
Copy !req
537. but that was unacceptable.
Copy !req
538. No, you were wonderful.
Copy !req
539. The way your eyes went dead,
just like Avery's.
Copy !req
540. I didn't know you
had that in you.
Copy !req
541. "Yosemite Sam" was based
on my grandfather,
Copy !req
542. so yes, I do have a temper.
Copy !req
543. There are a lot of things
you don't know about me, Jack.
Copy !req
544. In 1978, I was in Playboy,
just wearing a necktie
Copy !req
545. and holding hands
with a black girl.
Copy !req
546. How could I have ever said
Copy !req
547. that you're not
your daughter's mother.
Copy !req
548. Those incredible cheekbones,
like an evil Disney queen.
Copy !req
549. No, I misjudged you.
Copy !req
550. The way you broke
that man down
Copy !req
551. like a folding table
at a dog and pony show.
Copy !req
552. And I am sorry I compared you
to my late husband.
Copy !req
553. You are not some
liver-spotted old man
Copy !req
554. constantly spilling hot tea
in his lap
Copy !req
555. until his whole crotch
was useless.
Copy !req
556. Useless!
Copy !req
557. You are young.
Copy !req
558. You are virile.
Copy !req
559. Your hair, like a lion's mane.
Copy !req
560. My eyes,
like two pools of ice water.
Copy !req
561. Ah, let's keep walking,
Copy !req
562. in the cold.
Copy !req
563. Yes.
Copy !req
564. Do you like baseball?
Let's talk about baseball.
Copy !req
565. I love baseball.
Abner Doubleday.
Copy !req
566. - The bats are long and hard.
- The gloves are girls.
Copy !req
567. - Balls!
- Jeter's thighs in those pants.
Copy !req
568. New topic.
Copy !req
569. Aaaa!
Copy !req
570. You know, it's funny.
Copy !req
571. If those teeth were
in your vagina,
Copy !req
572. you'd be considered a monster.
Copy !req
573. Well, Jenna, there's nothing
physically wrong with you.
Copy !req
574. That's impossible.
Copy !req
575. Why can't I sing?
Copy !req
576. Well, it must be
psychosomatic.
Copy !req
577. Don't worry, that's just
a fancy doctor word
Copy !req
578. for "your brain is broken."
Copy !req
579. Unfortunately, there's
no field of medicine
Copy !req
580. that deals with the brain.
Copy !req
581. But, I can give you
a pamphlet for a cult.
Copy !req
582. You don't understand.
Copy !req
583. This is how
I make my living.
Copy !req
584. Like me and my cell phone
bedazzling.
Copy !req
585. I have to be able to sing.
Copy !req
586. Maybe you're shutting down
because of all the pressure.
Copy !req
587. There is a lot riding
on this performance.
Copy !req
588. Pressure? That's ridiculous.
Copy !req
589. Pressure is trying
to pass for four
Copy !req
590. when you just turned seven,
Copy !req
591. at the "Miss Toddler
Panama city" pageant.
Copy !req
592. You're crammed into
the same five-inch heels
Copy !req
593. you wore the year before,
blood pooling in your toes.
Copy !req
594. But you know if you don't win,
Copy !req
595. mom can't fix the hole
in the gator fence,
Copy !req
596. so you'll be up all night,
Copy !req
597. stabbing gators.
Copy !req
598. Pressure is performing
on a party boat
Copy !req
599. that catches on fire,
Copy !req
600. your throat burning
from the smoke.
Copy !req
601. You still sing so beautifully
that it calms the passengers,
Copy !req
602. so that you
and the crew can escape.
Copy !req
603. Pressure...
Copy !req
604. It's the "Rule of threes,"
Pete.
Copy !req
605. Is singing the Yemeni national
anthem
Copy !req
606. while a handsome but ruthless
general pushes a scimitar
Copy !req
607. into your neck,
Copy !req
608. Kristin Chenoweth's
corpse at your feet.
Copy !req
609. That's pressure.
Copy !req
610. This live show is nothing.
Copy !req
611. Well, there's something
weird going on here.
Copy !req
612. You feel that
sexual energy too?
Copy !req
613. I mean, but... it would
be wrong to act on it.
Copy !req
614. Well, it's 5:00 somewhere.
Copy !req
615. No, this isn't happening.
They're sold out.
Copy !req
616. This is why you don't
just choose one option.
Copy !req
617. We were in a room full
of tables.
Copy !req
618. No, this is why you
don't waste 45 minutes
Copy !req
619. wandering around the
"Valentine's marketplace."
Copy !req
620. Trying to find stuff
for tonight.
Copy !req
621. For you.
Really cool stuff.
Copy !req
622. You still have those salt
and pepper shakers, don't you?
Copy !req
623. Well, I don't
want them anymore.
Copy !req
624. 'Cause I'm not
feeling romantic.
Copy !req
625. God, you actually got
me excited about today.
Copy !req
626. Valentine's is the worst!
Copy !req
627. It's even worse
than earth day.
Copy !req
628. You just see so many
dirty feet in sandals.
Copy !req
629. I don't know, Liz.
Copy !req
630. This could have been special.
Copy !req
631. I had stuff planned.
Copy !req
632. No, you didn't.
Copy !req
633. You wrote half a song,
and thought you'd "wing it,"
Copy !req
634. like you do with everything.
Copy !req
635. I mean, if you'd had a plan
Copy !req
636. we wouldn't even be
in this hellhole.
Copy !req
637. Good, go wide with it.
Go.
Copy !req
638. Oh, really?
Copy !req
639. Well, how's your super-planned
life going, Liz?
Copy !req
640. You're 40-something...
Copy !req
641. One! Come on, Criss.
Copy !req
642. You have no kids.
Copy !req
643. The only thing you
like about your job
Copy !req
644. is taking home free sodas.
Copy !req
645. And you're attacking
the only good thing in your life
Copy !req
646. because of a stupid table.
Copy !req
647. This isn't about the table.
Copy !req
648. This is about you never
following through on anything,
Copy !req
649. ever.
Copy !req
650. It's why you didn't
finish law school,
Copy !req
651. it's why you still aren't done
filling out your 2010 census.
Copy !req
652. Well what race am
I supposed to check?
Copy !req
653. We all come from Africa.
Copy !req
654. You know what?
Copy !req
655. Ikea tested us, we failed.
Copy !req
656. Okay, just go.
Copy !req
657. That's a good idea.
Copy !req
658. We're done here.
Copy !req
659. Yeah, we are definitely done.
Copy !req
660. Thank you.
Copy !req
661. That's why I get out of
the nidurgangur in the morning.
Copy !req
662. It's one of our cheaper beds.
Copy !req
663. There you are.
Copy !req
664. I think your break is over,
Ms. Wassername.
Copy !req
665. Did I make a mistake,
Kenneth?
Copy !req
666. A big mistake.
Copy !req
667. Tracy Jordan threw milk at you,
Copy !req
668. and you didn't even thank him?
Copy !req
669. How does that reflect
on the page program?
Copy !req
670. And our mascot, "Pagey,"
a piece of paper.
Copy !req
671. Everyone here is awful.
Copy !req
672. I need to be inspired.
Copy !req
673. I came here to start
a glamorous new life.
Copy !req
674. 'Cause today,
anyone can be famous.
Copy !req
675. I mean, look at foxy knoxy.
Copy !req
676. What did she ever do
besides not kill anybody?
Copy !req
677. So, why not me?
Copy !req
678. I could have a fragrance,
Copy !req
679. or a line
of children's handbags,
Copy !req
680. or be in a reality show with
other kooky dumb sluts.
Copy !req
681. You don't think
I have dreams?
Copy !req
682. Last night, I dreamed
a baby ate my hair.
Copy !req
683. But sometimes, you have
to start at the bottom.
Copy !req
684. I'd like for you to make
a delivery for me.
Copy !req
685. And, while you're out,
Copy !req
686. think about
how your page underwear
Copy !req
687. has been handed down,
page to page,
Copy !req
688. for over 70 years.
Copy !req
689. - So, do you like music?
- Yes.
Copy !req
690. I have supported the Baltimore
Philharmonic for years.
Copy !req
691. These days, it's just a boom box
and a guy in a crab costume.
Copy !req
692. He gets shot out of
a Cannon at Ravens Games.
Copy !req
693. The city may not be thriving.
Copy !req
694. Well, it's not
just Baltimore.
Copy !req
695. We live in a benighted age.
Copy !req
696. The last time I heard
classical music on television
Copy !req
697. was Schubert's final sonata
in a commercial.
Copy !req
698. Now why would anyone
use music written by a man
Copy !req
699. dying of syphilis
to sell douches.
Copy !req
700. Because people
are getting stupider.
Copy !req
701. Think how much
Schubert accomplished
Copy !req
702. in the 31 years he was alive.
Copy !req
703. Coming through.
Copy !req
704. And then there's, uh,
Copy !req
705. this guy.
Copy !req
706. My taxes are paying
for your healthcare!
Copy !req
707. Do a sit-up!
Copy !req
708. I really
underestimated you, Jack.
Copy !req
709. Maybe we shouldn't
talk at all.
Copy !req
710. How do you think
our boys are doing in there?
Copy !req
711. I guess it's been
a pretty rough week.
Copy !req
712. Yesterday, I ate all the cheese
out of the mouse traps.
Copy !req
713. Now, who'd like to continue
this magic over drinks?
Copy !req
714. A Cosmo's five points?
Copy !req
715. Okay.
Copy !req
716. All right.
Copy !req
717. Hey, baby, what's wrong?
Copy !req
718. Nothing's wrong, you think
something's wrong with me?
Copy !req
719. What's wrong with you?
Copy !req
720. Um, didn't the white lady
just mess up your hair?
Copy !req
721. I work for the post office,
I was delivering a package.
Copy !req
722. But you think
my hair's messed up?
Copy !req
723. No, I...
Copy !req
724. You're gonna tell me
about black lady hair,
Copy !req
725. you "Louie Anderson"
little bitch?
Copy !req
726. Run! Run for your life!
Copy !req
727. Hi.
Copy !req
728. Are you shopping for someone?
Copy !req
729. Um...
Copy !req
730. Do you know what size she is?
Copy !req
731. No. I don't know. Maybe. No.
Copy !req
732. I see.
Copy !req
733. It's okay.
Copy !req
734. I have an Uncle who uses
my discount here all the time.
Copy !req
735. I'll take it.
Copy !req
736. Okay, Jenna.
Copy !req
737. I think I know what
your problem is.
Copy !req
738. It's the "yips."
Copy !req
739. When will congress
pass a law
Copy !req
740. to get those bastards
out of our country?
Copy !req
741. No, no. The "yips"
is something
Copy !req
742. that happens to athletes.
Copy !req
743. They get in their heads,
Copy !req
744. and stop being able
to do stuff
Copy !req
745. they've done a million times.
Copy !req
746. Like, bet me during a poker
game at Tony Romo's house?
Copy !req
747. I know you don't think it's
mental, but it is.
Copy !req
748. And, I get it.
Copy !req
749. - It's scary to admit...
- How would you know?
Copy !req
750. Because it happened to me!
Copy !req
751. I was the best they'd
ever seen, and I blew it!
Copy !req
752. Peter Hornberger, a shoo-in
for this Olympic squad,
Copy !req
753. about to arch.
Copy !req
754. You're going to want
to watch this, folks,
Copy !req
755. so put down your Rubik's cube,
Copy !req
756. turn off that Yakov Smirnoff
standup tape,
Copy !req
757. and set all your
swatches to right now.
Copy !req
758. I've been shot!
Copy !req
759. Someone run into town
and find a payphone!
Copy !req
760. This happened to you?
We have something in common?
Copy !req
761. Ick.
Copy !req
762. Look, tonight is huge
for you, and for me.
Copy !req
763. If this goes well,
it could get us both out
Copy !req
764. of the late-night ghetto.
Copy !req
765. Because you and me?
Copy !req
766. We're prime-time, baby.
Copy !req
767. Fine, it's mental.
Copy !req
768. I have the "yips."
Copy !req
769. What am I supposed to do?
Copy !req
770. Okay, we don't have
a lot of time.
Copy !req
771. So, maybe just by acknowledging
the problem,
Copy !req
772. we fixed it?
Copy !req
773. I think we did.
Copy !req
774. I'm cured!
Copy !req
775. It's worse.
Copy !req
776. I can't open my mouth.
Copy !req
777. Happy
Valentine's to the two lovers.
Copy !req
778. Come into my restaurant
for the romance.
Copy !req
779. Oh, no, no, no,
we're not together.
Copy !req
780. What?
Copy !req
781. But, this is a crime.
Copy !req
782. Such a beautiful,
age-appropriate couple.
Copy !req
783. You are perfect together.
Copy !req
784. You are like pasta,
and a mouth.
Copy !req
785. Do you not think that
she's beautiful?
Copy !req
786. Yes, empirically
she is attractive.
Copy !req
787. And is he not handsome,
with hair like black vermicelli?
Copy !req
788. Yes, he is handsome,
but...
Copy !req
789. The only "but" we speak
of tonight,
Copy !req
790. is the butt of the human ass.
Copy !req
791. Valentine's,
she is a celebration
Copy !req
792. of love, and sex,
Copy !req
793. and touch.
Copy !req
794. Come inside,
Copy !req
795. and have the most romantic
notte of your lives.
Copy !req
796. We have a unisex bathroom,
Copy !req
797. with, come si dice,
Copy !req
798. uh, no lock,
and extra mirrors.
Copy !req
799. I have to go check on Liddy.
Copy !req
800. I have to go walk
around the park.
Copy !req
801. Maybe forever.
Copy !req
802. Darn it,
what am I doing wrong?
Copy !req
803. This is it, Lutz.
Copy !req
804. The Ikea parking lot.
Copy !req
805. If you can't close
the deal here,
Copy !req
806. you're on your own.
Copy !req
807. Back in the day,
Copy !req
808. you know how many women me and
Lamar Odom's dad picked up here?
Copy !req
809. And keep in mind,
back then this was a marsh,
Copy !req
810. where people came
to shoot at fish.
Copy !req
811. There's your
low-hanging fruit.
Copy !req
812. We can teach you no more.
Copy !req
813. Fly, Lutz, fly.
Copy !req
814. Hey, baby, what's wrong?
Copy !req
815. Lutz?
Copy !req
816. Mom-boss?
Copy !req
817. What are you doing?
Copy !req
818. Oh, my God,
Lutz just hit on Liz.
Copy !req
819. About time.
Copy !req
820. The last six years has been
like watching Moonlighting.
Copy !req
821. Hang on, were
you hitting on me?
Copy !req
822. I'm sorry.
Copy !req
823. I just wanted to have
a nice Valentine's Day,
Copy !req
824. so Frank and Tracy tried
to help me out.
Copy !req
825. But I keep screwing up.
Copy !req
826. Every time I get
a good thing going,
Copy !req
827. I do something stupid
and blow it.
Copy !req
828. You want to know the reason
why Lutz is alone?
Copy !req
829. Lutz!
Copy !req
830. And Dollhouse penis syndrome.
Copy !req
831. Oh, my God.
Copy !req
832. I'm female Lutz.
Copy !req
833. I love you too.
Copy !req
834. No, I mean...
Copy !req
835. I'm my own worst enemy.
Copy !req
836. Do you want to know
the reason Liz is alone?
Copy !req
837. Liz.
Copy !req
838. Also I menstruate a lot.
Copy !req
839. Oh, God, does this mean
I have to change?
Copy !req
840. Oh, I have to go back
and be the bigger person?
Copy !req
841. What if Criss already left
and I have to go find him?
Copy !req
842. It's so cold.
Copy !req
843. Oh, realizations
are the worst.
Copy !req
844. Excuse me,
are you Jenna Maroney?
Copy !req
845. Oh, my goodness,
are these for me?
Copy !req
846. Yes.
Copy !req
847. For your grave.
Copy !req
848. I hope you die
out there tonight.
Copy !req
849. Dude, that was a disaster.
Copy !req
850. Worse than me trying
to send a fax.
Copy !req
851. 50 straight
Valentine's days alone.
Copy !req
852. I mean, 48.
Copy !req
853. Are you crazy?
Copy !req
854. You're not alone.
Copy !req
855. You spent Valentine's with us.
Copy !req
856. Yeah, two people who care
enough about your sexual needs
Copy !req
857. to blow off their wives
and girlfriends.
Copy !req
858. - Oh, no.
- Uh-oh.
Copy !req
859. Right now, Angie's
in a hotel room
Copy !req
860. dressed as a clown.
Copy !req
861. And I'm supposed to get
into an elephant costume
Copy !req
862. and interview her for
a job at the circus.
Copy !req
863. I spent Valentine's Day
with friends.
Copy !req
864. Friends?
Copy !req
865. We are work acquaintances
at best.
Copy !req
866. At worst, we are rivals
Copy !req
867. who inspire and try
to make each other better.
Copy !req
868. Now let's go get
some tiny meatballs.
Copy !req
869. Meatballs, here we come!
Copy !req
870. Meatballs!
Copy !req
871. Pick up your phone, Criss.
Copy !req
872. Jack, I can't talk.
Copy !req
873. I am mentally writing
an apology,
Copy !req
874. and it's giving me
a tension headache,
Copy !req
875. and I am so cold!
Copy !req
876. I want to have sex
with Avery's mother.
Copy !req
877. No! You can't do that.
Copy !req
878. I know.
Copy !req
879. And maybe it's just
the loneliness,
Copy !req
880. and the frustration,
Copy !req
881. and stupid Valentine's Day.
Copy !req
882. But she's amazing.
Copy !req
883. And come on, didn't our friends
the ancient Olmecs
Copy !req
884. bed both mother and daughter
to satisfy their Jaguar gods?
Copy !req
885. - And everybody loves them.
- Jack, listen to me.
Copy !req
886. That is wrong
on so many levels.
Copy !req
887. You can never sleep with her,
Copy !req
888. never, never, ever, ever...
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889. Never, ever, ever.
Never, ever, ever, ever!
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890. I get it, Lemon.
Thank you.
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891. Just hearing your labored
breathing while you
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892. walk up stairs has purged me
of all sexual desire.
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893. Yeah, well,
glad I could help.
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894. Now, if you'll excuse me,
I need to clean up
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895. the mess I made here with...
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896. Criss.
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897. You're still here.
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898. I tried to call you.
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899. 20 missed calls?
How did...
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900. Right.
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901. My ringtone is
the sounds of cooking.
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902. Which is perfect,
because I love cooking.
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903. But when I'm cooking...
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904. Lemon, please hang up,
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905. I can't listen
to any more of this.
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906. Oh, yeah.
Look...
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907. I was planning on saying
"it was my fault,"
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908. and, "please, let's
get back together."
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909. But, it doesn't
look like I need to.
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910. What do you mean,
"get back together"?
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911. You thought we broke up
because of that fight?
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912. No, that would be idiotic.
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913. You wanted a table,
I wasn't super-helpful.
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914. Who cares?
I tend to care, you know...
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915. I let little things
ruin stuff.
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916. I mean, I stopped shopping
at kmart because I found out
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917. that Kathy Ireland didn't design
any of her signature socks.
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918. But maybe, after 40 years...
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919. 41.
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920. - I can change.
- Eh, don't bother.
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921. You can get mad at dumb stuff.
That's your thing.
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922. I'll get over it.
That's my thing.
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923. It's kind of perfect.
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924. But how are we ever
going to break up?
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925. I don't know,
maybe we never will.
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926. Maybe we'll still be celebrating
Valentine's together
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927. 100 years from now.
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928. Do you think
our ape overlords will let us?
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929. Oh, they'll let you and me
do whatever we want,
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930. because we'll be spying
on the rest of humanity
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931. for the ape police.
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932. Wait, where did
you get a table?
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933. I made it.
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934. I gathered fallen tree branches
from Riverside Park.
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935. That's where we first met.
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936. Yeah. And the top
is a Herman Cain poster
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937. I found in a dumpster.
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938. Aw.
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939. Excuse me?
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940. I have a package for Liz Lemon.
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941. Oh, sure, come in.
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942. You're the head writer
TGS?
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943. But you're so beautiful.
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944. Charlie what now?
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945. I love your brown hair.
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946. It's so bouncy, like the
"after" picture in a lice ad.
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947. Thank you.
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948. It's from intermittent washing.
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949. And you own this place?
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950. Yeah.
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951. Holy Moly, there's stairs?
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952. And a dining room table?
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953. Is this your boyfriend?
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954. Yeah. He made me dinner.
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955. Mashed potatoes
in a Martini glass.
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956. Who are you, the president?
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957. Of France?
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958. I know, right?
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959. You are an inspiration,
Liz Lemon.
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960. I am an inspiration.
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961. I'll see you at work tomorrow.
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962. Happy Valentine's Day.
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963. You too.
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964. I want your life.
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965. And I will have it.
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966. I like her.
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967. - 45 seconds.
- Jenna.
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968. This is a nightmare.
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969. My Nemeses, Abigail Breslin
and the woman
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970. from those progressive
insurance commercials,
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971. are in the audience.
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972. Just, relax... panic, don't.
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973. You failed me, Pete.
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974. And when I go down,
I'm taking you with me.
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975. You'll never work again.
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976. But I have five kids.
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977. And grandkids can't
be far behind,
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978. little Evelyn's so sexual.
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979. 30 seconds.
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980. These shoes hurt, mommy.
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981. Good. Focus on the pain,
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982. not on the fact that
if you lose,
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983. I'm gonna pour acid
on your Barbies.
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984. Okay, come on.
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985. Huh.
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986. The shoes.
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987. The fire.
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988. The sword.
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989. It's the pain.
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990. She needs the pain
to distract her.
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991. I need to hurt her,
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992. but she's all the way
over there.
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993. How could I possib...
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994. Come on, Hornberger.
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995. Archer...
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996. Arch!
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997. Is she bleeding?
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998. It looks like an arrow wound.
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999. Oh, Jack.
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1000. I didn't know you'd
be down here.
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1001. Oh, nice place.
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1002. What did you pay for
all this wood?
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1003. I don't believe we've met.
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1004. Jack, this is...
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1005. Someone I saw fighting with
a dog outside a liquor store.
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1006. I'm Herb.
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1007. 'Cause you are what you smoke,
right "Jackie"?
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1008. Hey, where's the head?
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1009. We're in mixed company,
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1010. but let's just say I've got
to go wreck your toilet.
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1011. It's down that hallway
on the right-hand side.
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1012. Mm.
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1013. Diana, don't do this.
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1014. I'm lonely, Jack.
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1015. So am I.
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1016. Believe me,
I know how you feel.
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1017. Being alone
on Valentine's Day,
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1018. frustrated
in all kinds of ways.
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1019. Just wanting a connection,
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1020. to hold someone's hand.
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1021. Ideally when she's wearing
only a necktie.
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1022. But you deserve better
than Herb.
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1023. Why is this bathroom full
of wine bottles?
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1024. But what I deserve,
I shouldn't have.
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1025. Me neither.
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1026. So, what are we going
to do about it?
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1027. - Oh, baby.
- Oh, yes.
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1028. - Yes!
- Oh, that's good.
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1029. - Oh, yes.
- Oh, yeah, don't stop.
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1030. - Oh, just like that.
- Oh, yeah, but a little lower.
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1031. - Yes!
- Yeah, baby!
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1032. - Oh. Oh, yeah!
- Oh!
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1033. - Nope, nope.
- Let me have one.
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1034. Give it to him, Frank.
Give it to him, we're friends.
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1035. You can have one of mine.
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1036. Finally, I can say,
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1037. happy Valen...
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1038. Ow! My legs!
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1039. Aah!
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1040. This get me out of sex.
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1041. Oh, my God, Liz.
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1042. We're wearing
the exact same lipstick.
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1043. Looks better on you,
of course.
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1044. I wish I could just cut those
lips right off and wear them.
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1045. Happy Valentine's Day, lovers.
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1046. Happy Valentine's Day
to us all.
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1047. Oh.
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