1. Previously on "30 rock".
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2. Say you approve of Criss.
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3. I'm in your head.
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4. Why did you have to offend the
gay community?
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5. Did you just call me an idiot
on this TV?
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6. Tracy has organized a protest
of NBC by his fellow idiots.
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7. Mr. Hornberger?
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8. - What do we do?
- I don't know.
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9. But I know someone who does.
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10. Talk to me.
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11. They're still mad?
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12. We sent Elton and David a
honey-baked ham.
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13. What more do they want?
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14. I'm joined now by one gay
rights advocate
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15. who isn't sure Jordan and NBC
have learned their lesson.
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16. Devin Banks, welcome.
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17. Thank you, Dallas.
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18. I have seen you
since Michael Kors'
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19. new year's Eve masquerade.
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20. Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about.
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21. Right. Let's dive in.
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22. Banks.
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23. Hey, try this. New recipe.
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24. We have to talk.
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25. How fresh is that dog?
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26. Yesterday, that was the face,
feet and colon of a pig.
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27. I'm so fired up, Liz.
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28. I got some cash now.
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29. I can finally make
a down payment
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30. on a real food truck.
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31. Yeah, the van's not great.
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32. All right, kids.
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33. Who wants some?
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34. Get in my van.
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35. Is there a problem, officer?
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36. But you can't take that money.
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37. What, why not?
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38. Because the guy who
wrote you the check...
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39. He's my boss and he
doesn't really care
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40. about the hot dog truck or
locally sourced pig sweepings.
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41. He just needed an
excuse to meet you.
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42. Because I didn't
want him to meet you.
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43. He inserts himself
into my business
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44. whether I want him to or not
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45. and now he's inserting
himself into this.
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46. Well, that's what
she said, but...
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47. Why wouldn't you want
him to meet me?
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48. You're embarrassed
of me?
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49. No, it's not me, it's him.
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50. I didn't want him to lecture me
about how you don't have a job
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51. and your name is spelled wrong
and you went to Wesleyan.
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52. Wesleyan is the Harvard of
central Connecticut.
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53. Yale is the Harvard
of central Connecticut.
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54. Had that locked and loaded,
didn't you?
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55. Well, you know what?
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56. This isn't a Jack problem.
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57. I think this is a Liz problem.
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58. Because you wouldn't care what
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59. he thought unless
you agreed with him.
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60. Like you're so perfect.
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61. Let's not do this.
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62. You don't say cholesterol
correctly.
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63. "Chloresterole."
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64. You're a 41 year old woman
who cheats at board games.
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65. You don't use the tab closures
on cereal boxes.
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66. If you think those are doing
anything to seal in freshness,
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67. you are living in a fantasy
world, pal.
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68. Forget it.
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69. This was a good day, Liz.
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70. I'm gonna be in
the park meditating.
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71. What would Jack say about that?
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72. He'd say, "good God, Lemon."
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73. Locked and loaded.
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74. Good God, Lemon.
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75. 30 ROCK
Ep 03 - Idiots Are People Three
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76. I'll have you know the
last man who wore jeans
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77. in this office was named
Theodore Wrangler.
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78. And you, Banks,
could not even
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79. carry his trademark,
floor-length, suede cape.
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80. I was wondering when
I'd hear from you, Jack.
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81. Do you know what comes up on my
phone when you call?
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82. Where did you get that?
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83. The only copy of
that photograph is in
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84. Stephanie Seymour's
safety deposit box.
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85. You have bigger things to
worry about, Jack.
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86. See, I've got you right
where I want you.
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87. Really?
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88. You think you have
leverage here?
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89. The news cycle is
done with Tracy.
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90. They've moved on
to a story about
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91. teenagers huffing
other teenagers.
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92. Tracy's apologies have
been accepted by GLAAD
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93. and I don't even know
what organization
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94. you're here representing.
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95. We're new,
we're called PEEN.
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96. And what is that
an acronym for?
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97. Acronym?
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98. Okay, you've succeeded in
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99. annoying me and wasting my time.
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100. But your 15 minutes is up.
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101. And... you've got nothing.
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102. Really?
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103. Nothing?
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104. See that little Tracy Jordan
gem that I leaked last night
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105. was just the tip of
the iceberg, Jack.
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106. And NBC is the Titanic.
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107. The highest grossing
movie of all time!
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108. The boat, not the movie,
the boat!
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109. See, I've been following Tracy's
standup act for months
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110. now and if any of this gets out,
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111. every protected
group in America's
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112. gonna be picketing this network.
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113. Enjoy.
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114. Good God.
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115. Oh, is this one about how
asians act on the subway?
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116. I know, I almost threw up
the first time I heard it.
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117. Oh, this one's fun.
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118. Starts out as a joke about our
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119. first Mexican President.
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120. My Lord.
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121. And ends up as just a rant
against women.
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122. Oh...
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123. No one can ever listen to this.
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124. Then she had teeth down there!
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125. What do you want, money?
A job?
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126. This isn't a
business play, Jack.
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127. I mean, what's the point.
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128. After going head to head with
you for the last five years,
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129. I've ended up as a house
husband in Brooklyn.
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130. You won, Jack.
So what are you saying?
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131. I've given up trying to beat
you in the board room.
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132. But there are still
things I can make you do.
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133. All right, you can watch me
shower, but no touching.
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134. No touching just
makes it hotter.
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135. No, I'm after
bigger game than you.
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136. See you're a very influential
man, Donaghy.
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137. You can pull strings in the kind
of venerable institutions
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138. that still reject
creeps like me.
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139. I want you to get my triplets
into preschool...
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140. At St. Matthew's.
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141. Banks, that's impossible.
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142. Just last year,
they rejected one of
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143. St. Matthew's
actual descendents.
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144. I know.
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145. I head that during her interview
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146. she turned the class
hamster into a dove.
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147. Good luck.
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148. Pick up the Mercury
with the tape,
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149. bag it, then seal the bags.
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150. We'll drive everything
out to the meadowlands
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151. and roll the car into a swamp.
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152. We should take two cars.
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153. You didn't tell me he was alive!
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154. Well of course he is.
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155. Pete's our friend, Kelsey.
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156. Damn it!
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157. No names!
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158. We don't want him to die.
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159. But more importantly,
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160. we don't want to be blamed for
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161. what's happened to him.
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162. It's been five hours since
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163. he's pressed an elevator button.
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164. His office is on
this floor, isn't it?
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165. Yes, but to get him there, you
have to go through the backstage
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166. and the backstage
is full of people.
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167. We need a distraction.
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168. Something to clear
the halls of TGS.
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169. How much time will
Kenneth and I have?
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170. How long is the show?
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171. I don't know.
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172. I've never done it before, baby.
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173. I will make
a brief statement
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174. on behalf of
the idiot community,
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175. then I will open
the floor for questions.
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176. Since its founding
early this afternoon,
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177. the national association for
zero intolerance, or Nazi...
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178. - We should change that.
- It's fine.
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179. We are outraged that the
American bigot, Liz Lemon,
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180. has made no effort
to reach out to us.
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181. Tracy, are you kidding me?
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182. I have been calling
your cell all day.
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183. My ringtone is
the chicken dance.
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184. If I answer it,
I won't hear the whole song!
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185. I have to go talk
to Jack right now.
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186. Wait for me in my office.
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187. Is there anything
you would like to add?
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188. These microphones look like
black ice cream cones.
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189. Thank you all for coming out.
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190. Jack, I am giving you your
money back.
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191. You can't tear up
my checks, Criss.
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192. They're printed on
Nixon's old bed sheets.
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193. Look, I don't understand
your relationship with Liz.
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194. She's my subordifriend.
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195. Well, she's my girlfriend
and I'm not
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196. gonna let you
get in between us.
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197. It's a little late for that.
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198. You're not going to want to hear
this, but I am
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199. officially disapproving of you.
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200. Well, I'm sorry, but I really
don't care what you think.
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201. That's really not how things
work around here, Criss.
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202. Damn it, Criss, stop talking
to him, it's a trap!
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203. You said I won.
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204. You said you wouldn't ask any
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205. more questions about Criss.
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206. I said I wouldn't ask
you any more questions.
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207. Semantics!
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208. You had no right
to come to my home
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209. to trick Criss to
rearrange my bathroom.
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210. - For the better.
- Yes.
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211. The basket of shells
was a nice touch.
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212. But, I'm afraid
I have bad news.
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213. I just told Criss that I am
officially disapproving.
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214. - Oh, no.
- Who cares?
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215. Of course, you're free to make
your own decisions, Lemon.
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216. You can either pretend that you
and I are not in agreement
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217. and continue this, uh...
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218. charade.
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219. Or you can part ways
with Criss now
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220. and go and find someone who will
truly make you happy.
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221. I'm sorry, is this guy
breaking up with me?
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222. Of course, you and Criss
can still be friends.
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223. Okay, Liz, I guess you
got a choice to make.
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224. You can listen to Jack,
we can call it quits
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225. and I go back to
sleeping on the floor
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226. of my Uncle's
mattress store, or...
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227. You don't understand.
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228. He's in my head.
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229. Okay, forget Jack.
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230. What does Liz think, hmm?
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231. What do you want?
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232. Do you want to be
with me or not?
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233. Don't look at me, ask her.
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234. I don't know, Liz.
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235. It's gonna go wrong
eventually, right?
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236. I mean, I like him, but,
what are we doing here?
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237. Really?
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238. This is how you see yourself?
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239. Of course I pick you, Criss.
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240. If you would just address
some of the issues
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241. that we as a group have
been talking about.
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242. Unbelievable.
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243. Well, I have to go get a bunch
of gaybies into preschool
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244. before we all get sued,
so, uh...
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245. Well done, Lemon.
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246. So, then he says
"Tiff down there"...
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247. Good one, Jack.
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248. I'll tell you,
friendship is the
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249. one kind of ship
that never sinks.
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250. Douglas, so good to see you.
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251. Uh, do you know
my friend, Devin Banks?
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252. A friend of Donaghy's, eh?
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253. I'll watch my wallet.
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254. Yes, yes, very good, Douglas.
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255. Very funny.
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256. So now we're all good friends
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257. and good friends do
favors for each other.
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258. Is that a St. Matthew's tie?
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259. I didn't know you went there.
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260. Not only did I go there,
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261. I happen to be President
of the board.
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262. Although, during
my financial report
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263. I may be President of the bored.
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264. St. Matthew's is such a
wonderful school.
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265. We were just talking about that.
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266. In fact, Devin's triplets are
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267. applying to St. Matthew's
right now.
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268. I see...
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269. Splendid.
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270. On a totally unrelated topic,
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271. did you know that I'm also on the
board of the Manhattan hospital
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272. for rich whites and
assimilated Jews?
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273. I did not know that.
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274. Unfortunately,
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275. shortly before Don Geiss died,
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276. the Geiss foundation made a
sizeable pledge to the hospital.
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277. A pledge which, sadly,
has not been fulfilled.
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278. What a coincidence
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279. because Devin and I happen
to know the new chair
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280. of the Geiss
foundation quite well.
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281. That is a coincidence.
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282. Kathy, are you
ready to come out now?
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283. There she is.
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284. Hey, you.
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285. Hey, funny.
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286. Kathy, I know this
is a lot to take in but,
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287. your father made a promise
to my friend, so,
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288. what can we do to get
that check right now?
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289. And that's why I'm so thrilled
to introduce NBC's new mascot,
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290. Magellica the Unicorn.
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291. It's wondrous.
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292. Indeed.
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293. Back to you, Thomas.
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294. Okay... we now return
to our coverage
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295. of that train derailment
in California.
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296. And idiots can do anything
we put our minds to.
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297. I played
a "nucular" psychiatrist
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298. in a James "Bong" movie.
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299. Look, what do I need to do to
make this go away?
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300. I want you to call my phone so
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301. I can hear
the chicken dance again.
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302. And I want the video
for my new single
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303. to play on TGS this week.
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304. Can you make it
16 minutes long?
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305. We're short this week.
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306. I'll try to cut it down.
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307. But above all, we want you to
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308. recognize who we are
as a community.
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309. Idiots aren't just strippers or
stay at home moms.
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310. Idiots are all around us.
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311. I couldn't find a Lincoln hat
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312. so I grabbed this
chimney sweep hat instead.
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313. If anyone notices...
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314. We're dead.
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315. So it would mean a lot if you
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316. apologized publically,
Liz Lemon.
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317. Let the healing begin.
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318. And since
you wrote my apology,
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319. we went on ahead
and wrote yours.
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320. Careful.
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321. Careful.
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322. Who designed your bathroom?
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323. It's exquisite.
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324. I did, you son of a bitch.
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325. I'm excellent at
rearranging bathrooms.
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326. Now get out of here,
you got what you wanted.
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327. I just wanted to
say thank you, Jack.
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328. Very impressive.
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329. Can't imagine that your boss,
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330. Hank Cooper, was all that happy
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331. about the logo change.
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332. Eh, we'll see.
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333. Our new slogan,
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334. "NBC, we have a magical horse?"
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335. Is testing, uh... Okay.
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336. Oh, I also wanted to
say that I was lying
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337. when I said that this
wasn't a business play.
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338. Banks, you're out of the game.
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339. That's true.
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340. And I've admitted defeat.
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341. For our generation.
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342. But for the next generation?
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343. Well, thanks to you,
the Banks boys are way ahead.
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344. All the favors
that you called in,
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345. you would have used next year
for little lippy.
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346. Liddy.
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347. Is that even a name?
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348. In Brooklyn, I know,
like, six lippys...
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349. Doesn't matter.
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350. You just mortgaged
your daughter's future
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351. to get out of
a little jam at work.
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352. My mommy and me group would
really judge your parenting.
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353. Especially lippy's mother.
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354. Which lippy?
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355. Lippy D.
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356. Oh, God, Liddy might have to
go to public school.
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357. See you in 30 years, Jack.
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358. I wonder what Liddy will be
doing with her degree from suny.
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359. Don't even say it.
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360. Oneonta.
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361. You, jacket.
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362. Well, hello there,
welcome to the White House.
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363. Four score and
seven years ago...
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364. What's with that hat?
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365. Oh, I think
it looks very authentic.
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366. Yeah, I guess you're right.
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367. Mary Todd, you say?
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368. Wha... what's happening?
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369. Shh, Pete, don't talk.
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370. Wassup?
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371. Yeah, baby!
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372. I'm here today to apologize for
my earlier comments.
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373. I used an offensive term to
describe a group of people
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374. who made America the great...
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375. continent that it is today.
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376. Yeah!
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377. These kickass people have
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378. given the world countless
bodacious things
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379. like the birther movement,
intelligent design...
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380. Water parks... no, I will not
endorse water parks.
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381. They are a cesspool of
disease and people boo you
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382. when you walk back
down the stairs.
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383. You know what you people
have given the world?
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384. Girls gone wild.
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385. The Golden Globes, cans that
tell you how cold beer is,
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386. Florida, bratz dolls.
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387. Oh, I get it.
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388. She's naming awesome things.
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389. No, listen to me.
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390. Because of you, there may be
an entouragemovie.
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391. Hug it off, ma'am!
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392. Turtle, turtle, turtle!
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393. You know what, I give up.
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394. You should know better, but no.
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395. You're just gonna keep
on riding motorcycles,
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396. having unprotected sex
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397. and voting against
free health care.
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398. You will make the same
self-destructive decisions
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399. over and over and you will
never really be happy.
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400. And your jaw will
hurt all the time.
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401. Oh, look at you.
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402. Perfect little weiner dog,
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403. you just need a little
mustard on you like that.
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404. And a little bun,
just boop, like that.
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405. No one will make you
deutschepancakes,
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406. or welcome you home smelling of
hot dog water and onion,
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407. or let you break out of jail
when you play monopoly.
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408. Oh, my God, I'm such an idiot.
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409. Wanna make out?
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410. No, thank you.
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411. Hot crowd, hot crowd.
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412. We've only got a minute before I
have to get back out there.
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413. Act two is a play within a play.
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414. It's funny, in school all you
learn about Abraham Lincoln
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415. is that he was a gay alcoholic.
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416. Grab his feet.
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417. Kelsey Gram...
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418. Shh, shh, shh.
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419. There, there, there you go.
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420. Okay, okay.
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421. I've gotta get back
into character.
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422. Hit me in the face!
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423. What... I forgot to
press a floor again.
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424. Hey, what's up, Jackie d?
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425. In a lot of ways, you and I
had similar upbringings.
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426. Terrible schools,
broken homes...
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427. Thinking basketball was the
ticket out.
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428. Being wrong.
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429. At some point,
our paths diverged.
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430. I went on to Princeton, business
school, ge and beyond.
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431. And look at me.
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432. I spent all day
creating a movement
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433. just to get back at Liz Lemon.
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434. I said creating a movement.
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435. The point is that excellence
can come from anywhere.
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436. It's the same with stupidity.
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437. In this country, anyone could be
the next Jack Donaghy
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438. or the next Denise Richards.
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439. This room...
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440. Is moving.
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441. Oh, God.
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442. Banks.
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443. What are you still doing here?
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444. Well, my husband was supposed
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445. to pick me up at 6:00 but
he can be such an idiot.
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446. I'm sure he can.
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447. Where did you go
to school, Devin?
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448. I had the best education
in the world.
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449. Private kindergarten where I got
straight check marks.
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450. Experimental boarding school
in carmel
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451. where the students
teach the teachers,
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452. and the teachers teach animals.
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453. Year abroad on an
all-male catamaran.
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454. Then on to Northwestern where
I majored in confidence.
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455. I had every educational
advantage, Jack.
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456. Just like my children will.
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457. But I beat you.
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458. What?
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459. I beat you.
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460. I came from nothing.
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461. But I caught up
and I crushed you.
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462. Just like Liddy's
gonna crush your sons.
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463. She's already sorting objects by
shape and color.
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464. At 11 months,
I don't think so.
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465. She can count to ten if
you say seven for her.
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466. She gets five and nine?
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467. - She can save five words.
- So.
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468. In mandarin.
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469. They've put her with
the toddlers at her
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470. singing and clapping
class at fun factory.
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471. She's in Orange group?
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472. She's already out of the
piaget sensorimotor stage.
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473. That's impossible.
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474. She scored a 62 on the object
permanence matrix.
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475. But that's an adult score.
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476. And did I mention...
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477. She's using the potty.
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478. Surely just for wee-wee.
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479. No.
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480. See you in 30 years, Banks.
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481. It's already, like,
turning itself.
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482. But I feel like I still
have to turn it.
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483. Oh, oh, my God, mustard just
came out my nose.
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484. Oh, it's burning
the backs of my eyes.
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485. All right, I gotta go
back to work, bye.
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486. Okay, all right.
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487. Ah, it's burning my face now.
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488. All right, I'm putting you on
probationary approval.
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489. Okay, I don't really care.
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490. I'll tell you what
changed my mind, Criss:
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491. a conversation I had
with Tracy Jordan.
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492. You see, greatness can
come from anywhere.
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493. So if a poor boy from
Boston can become me,
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494. maybe you could become
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495. a suitable sex partner
for Liz Lemon.
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496. You've got three months.
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497. But your opinion
doesn't matter.
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498. You have no say in this.
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499. Liz, there's something
wrong with Pete.
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500. Oh, my God!
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501. I don't know what happened.
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502. Pete, I have been
out there putting
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503. out fires all day
while you've been
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504. hiding in here doing this?
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505. You're disgusting.
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506. No, no, I was... I didn't... I...
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507. Kelsey Grammer!
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508. Kelsey Grammer did this to me.
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509. Really, Pete?
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510. Kelsey Grammer made you do this
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511. while he was performing his one
man show about Abraham Lincoln?
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512. Ugh.
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513. Here's to another successful
operation by...
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514. The best friends gang.
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515. Hang on.
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516. I didn't notice before with all
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517. the excitement, but...
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518. I look incredibly beautiful.
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519. The lighting is back to normal.
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520. Both switches need
to be on, woman.
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521. The bulb wasn't even broken?
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522. None of this was necessary.
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523. I know...
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524. I've been successfully
assassinated.
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525. But I have one last thing
to tell my country.
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526. Blackbeard's gold
is buried in...
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527. I am a ghost now,
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528. Leaving behind my
earthly possessions.
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529. And although I left my
country divided by war,
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530. A civil war...
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531. So that's where
that name came from.
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532. I know that future generations
will forge a stronger country
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533. And that some day,
America will be a place
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534. Where everybody
knows your name.
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