1. - Previously on 30 rock...
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2. - Say you approve of Criss.
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3. - I'm in your head.
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4. - Why did you have to
offend the gay community?
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5. - Did you just call me
an idiot on this TV?
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6. - Tracy has organized a protest
of NBC by his fellow idiots.
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7. - Mr. Hornberger?
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8. What do we do?
- I don't know.
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9. But I know someone who does.
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10. - Talk to me.
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11. - They're still mad?
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12. We sent Elton and
David a honey-baked ham.
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13. What more do they want?
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14. - I'm joined now by
one gay rights advocate
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15. who isn't sure Jordan and
NBC have learned their lesson.
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16. Devin Banks, welcome.
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17. - Thank you, Dallas.
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18. I have seen you
since Michael kors'
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19. new year's Eve masquerade.
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20. - Uh, I don't know what
you're talking about.
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21. - Right.
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22. Let's dive in.
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23. - Banks.
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24. - Hey, try this.
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25. New recipe.
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26. - We have to talk.
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27. - How fresh is that dog?
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28. Yesterday, that was the
face, feet and colon of a pig.
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29. I'm so fired up, Liz.
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30. I got some cash now.
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31. I can finally make
a down payment
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32. on a real food truck.
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33. - Yeah, the Van's not great.
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34. - All right, kids.
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35. Who wants some?
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36. Get in my Van.
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37. Is there a problem, officer?
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38. - But you can't take that money.
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39. - What, why not?
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40. - Because the guy who
wrote you the check...
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41. He's my boss and
he doesn't really care
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42. about the hot dog truck or
locally sourced pig sweepings.
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43. He just needed an
excuse to meet you.
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44. - Wait a minute, you know Jack?
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45. Why would he want to
pay $10,000 to meet me?
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46. - Because I didn't
want him to meet you.
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47. He inserts himself
into my business
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48. whether I want him to or not
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49. and now he's inserting
himself into this.
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50. - Well, that's what
she said, but...
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51. Why wouldn't you
want him to meet me?
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52. You're embarrassed of me?
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53. - No, it's not me, it's him.
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54. I didn't want him to lecture me
about how you don't have a job
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55. and your name is spelled
wrong and you went to wesleyan.
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56. - Wesleyan is the Harvard
of central Connecticut.
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57. - Yale is the Harvard
of central Connecticut.
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58. - Had that locked
and loaded, didn't you?
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59. Well, you know what?
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60. This isn't a Jack problem.
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61. I think this is a Liz problem.
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62. Because you wouldn't care what
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63. he thought unless
you agreed with him.
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64. Like you're so perfect.
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65. - Let's not do this.
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66. - You don't say
cholesterol correctly.
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67. - "Chloresterole."
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68. - You're a 41 year old woman
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69. who cheats at board games.
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70. You don't use the tab
closures on cereal boxes.
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71. - If you think those are doing
anything to seal in freshness,
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72. you are living in a
fantasy world, pal.
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73. - Forget it.
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74. This was a good day, Liz.
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75. I'm gonna be in
the park meditating.
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76. What would Jack say about that?
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77. - He'd say, "good god, Lemon."
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78. - Locked and loaded.
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79. Good god, Lemon.
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80. - I'll have you know the
last man who wore jeans
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81. in this office was named
Theodore wrangler.
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82. And you, Banks, could not even
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83. carry his trademark,
floor-length, suede cape.
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84. - I was wondering when
I'd hear from you, Jack.
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85. Do you know what comes up
on my phone when you call?
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86. - Where did you get that?
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87. The only copy of
that photograph is in
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88. Stephanie Seymour's
safety deposit box.
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89. - You have bigger things
to worry about, Jack.
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90. See, I've got you
right where I want you.
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91. - Really?
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92. You think you
have leverage here?
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93. The news cycle
is done with Tracy.
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94. They've moved
on to a story about
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95. teenagers huffing
other teenagers.
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96. Tracy's apologies have
been accepted by glaad
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97. and I don't even
know what organization
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98. you're here representing.
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99. - We're new; We're called peen.
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100. - And what is that
an acronym for?
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101. - Acronym?
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102. - Okay, you've succeeded in
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103. annoying me and wasting my time.
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104. But your 15 minutes is up.
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105. And... you've got nothing.
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106. - Really?
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107. Nothing?
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108. See that little Tracy Jordan
gem that I leaked last night
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109. was just the tip of
the iceberg, Jack.
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110. And NBC is the Titanic.
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111. - The highest grossing
movie of all time!
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112. - The boat, not
the movie, the boat!
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113. See, I've been following
Tracy's standup act for months
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114. now and if any of this gets out,
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115. every protected
group in america's
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116. gonna be picketing this network.
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117. Enjoy.
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118. - Good god.
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119. - Oh, is this one about how
asians act on the subway?
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120. I know, I almost threw
up the first time I heard it.
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121. - Oh, this one's fun.
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122. Starts out as a joke about our
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123. first Mexican president.
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124. - My lord.
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125. - And ends up as just
a rant against women.
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126. - Oh...
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127. No one can ever listen to this.
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128. Then she had teeth down there!
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129. - What do you
want, money? A job?
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130. - This isn't a
business play, Jack.
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131. I mean, what's the point.
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132. After going head
to head with you
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133. for the last five years, I've
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134. ended up as a house
husband in Brooklyn.
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135. You won, Jack.
- So what are you saying?
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136. - I've given up trying to
beat you in the board room.
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137. But there are still
things I can make you do.
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138. - All right, you can watch
me shower, but no touching.
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139. - No touching just
makes it hotter.
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140. No, I'm after bigger
game than you.
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141. See you're a very
influential man, Donaghy.
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142. You can pull strings in the
kind of venerable institutions
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143. that still reject
creeps like me.
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144. I want you to get my
triplets into preschool...
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145. At St. Matthew's.
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146. - Banks, that's impossible.
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147. Just last year,
they rejected one of
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148. St. Matthew's
actual descendents.
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149. - I know.
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150. I head that during her interview
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151. she turned the class
hamster into a dove.
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152. Good luck.
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153. - Pick up the
Mercury with the tape,
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154. bag it, then seal the bags.
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155. We'll drive everything
out to the meadowlands
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156. and roll the car into a swamp.
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157. We should take two cars.
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158. You didn't tell me he was alive!
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159. - Well of course he is.
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160. Pete's our friend, Kelsey.
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161. - Damn it!
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162. No names!
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163. - We don't want him to die.
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164. But more importantly,
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165. we don't want to be blamed for
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166. what's happened to him.
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167. - It's been five hours since
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168. he's pressed an elevator button.
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169. His office is on
this floor, isn't it?
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170. - Yes, but to get him there, you
have to go through the backstage
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171. and the backstage
is full of people.
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172. - We need a distraction.
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173. Something to clear
the halls of TGS.
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174. - How much time will
Kenneth and I have?
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175. How long is the show?
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176. - I don't know.
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177. I've never done it before, baby.
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178. - I will make a brief statement
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179. on behalf of the
idiot community,
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180. then I will open the
floor for questions.
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181. Since its founding
early this afternoon,
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182. the national association for
zero intolerance, or Nazi...
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183. We should change that.
- It's fine.
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184. - We are outraged that the
American bigot, Liz Lemon,
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185. has made no effort
to reach out to us.
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186. - Tracy, are you kidding me?
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187. I have been calling
your cell all day.
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188. - My ringtone is
the chicken dance.
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189. If I answer it, I won't
hear the whole song!
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190. - I have to go talk
to Jack right now.
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191. Wait for me in my office.
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192. - Is there anything
you would like to add?
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193. - These microphones look
like black ice cream cones.
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194. - Thank you all for coming out.
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195. - Jack, I am giving
you your money back.
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196. - You can't tear up
my checks, Criss.
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197. They're printed on
Nixon's old bed sheets.
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198. - Look, I don't understand
your relationship with Liz.
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199. - She's my subordifriend.
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200. - Well, she's my
girlfriend and I'm not
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201. gonna let you get in between us.
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202. It's a little late for that.
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203. You're not going to
want to hear this, but I am
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204. officially disapproving of you.
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205. - Well, I'm sorry, but I really
don't care what you think.
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206. - That's really not how
things work around here, Criss.
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207. - Damn it, Criss, stop
talking to him, it's a trap!
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208. You said I won.
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209. You said you wouldn't ask any
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210. more questions about Criss.
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211. - I said I wouldn't ask
you any more questions.
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212. - Semantics!
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213. You had no right
to come to my home
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214. to trick Criss to
rearrange my bathroom.
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215. - For the better.
- Yes.
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216. The basket of shells
was a nice touch.
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217. - But, I'm afraid
I have bad news.
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218. I just told Criss that I
am officially disapproving.
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219. - Oh, no.
- Who cares?
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220. - Of course, you're free to
make your own decisions, Lemon.
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221. You can either pretend that
you and I are not in agreement
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222. and continue this, uh...
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223. Charade.
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224. Or you can part
ways with Criss now
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225. and go and find someone
who will truly make you happy.
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226. - I'm sorry, is this guy
breaking up with me?
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227. - Of course, you and
Criss can still be friends.
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228. - Okay, Liz, I guess
you got a choice to make.
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229. You can listen to
Jack, we can call it quits
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230. and I go back to
sleeping on the floor
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231. of my uncle's
mattress store, or...
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232. - you don't understand.
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233. He's in my head.
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234. - Okay, forget Jack.
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235. - What does Liz think, hmm?
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236. What do you want?
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237. Do you want to
be with me or not?
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238. - Don't look at me, ask her.
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239. - I don't know, Liz.
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240. It's gonna go wrong
eventually, right?
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241. I mean, I like him, but,
what are we doing here?
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242. - Really?
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243. This is how you see yourself?
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244. - Of course I pick you, Criss.
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245. If you would just address
some of the issues
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246. that we as a group
have been talking about.
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247. Unbelievable.
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248. - Well, I have to go get a
bunch of gaybies into preschool
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249. before we all
get sued, so, uh...
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250. Well done, Lemon.
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251. - So then he says,
"teeth down there."
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252. - Good one, Jack.
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253. I'll tell you, friendship is the
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254. one kind of ship
that never sinks.
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255. - Douglas, so good to see you.
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256. Uh, do you know my
friend, Devin Banks?
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257. - A friend of Donaghy's, eh?
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258. I'll watch my wallet.
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259. Yes, yes, very good, Douglas.
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260. Very funny.
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261. So now we're all good friends
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262. and good friends do
favors for each other.
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263. - Is that a St. Matthew's tie?
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264. I didn't know you went there.
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265. - Not only did I go there,
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266. I happen to be
president of the board.
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267. Although, during
my financial report
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268. I may be president of the bored.
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269. - St. Matthew's is such
a wonderful school.
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270. We were just talking about that.
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271. In fact, Devin's triplets are
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272. applying to St.
Matthew's right now.
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273. - I see...
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274. Splendid.
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275. On a totally unrelated
topic, did you know that I'm
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276. also on the board of
the Manhattan hospital
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277. for rich whites and
assimilated Jews?
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278. - I did not know that.
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279. - Unfortunately, shortly before
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280. Don Geiss died, the Geiss
foundation made a sizeable
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281. pledge to the hospital.
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282. A pledge which, sadly,
has not been fulfilled.
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283. - What a coincidence because
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284. Devin and I happen
to know the new chair
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285. of the Geiss
foundation quite well.
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286. - That is a coincidence.
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287. - Kathy, are you
ready to come out now?
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288. There she is.
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289. - Hey, you.
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290. Hey, funny.
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291. - Kathy, I know this
is a lot to take in but,
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292. your father made a
promise to my friend, so,
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293. what can we do to get
that check right now?
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294. And that's why I'm so thrilled
to introduce NBC's new mascot,
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295. Magellica the unicorn.
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296. - It's wondrous.
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297. - Indeed.
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298. Back to you, Thomas.
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299. - Okay... we now
return to our coverage
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300. of that train
derailment in California.
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301. - And idiots can do
anything we put our minds to.
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302. I played a "nucular"
psychiatrist
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303. in a James "bong" movie.
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304. - Look, what do I need to
do to make this go away?
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305. - I want you to call my phone so
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306. I can hear the
chicken dance again.
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307. - And I want the
video for my new single
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308. to play on TGS this week.
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309. - Can you make
it 16 minutes long?
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310. We're short this week.
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311. I'll try to cut it down.
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312. - But above all, we want you to
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313. recognize who we
are as a community.
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314. Idiots aren't just strippers
or stay at home moms.
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315. Idiots are all around us.
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316. - I couldn't find a Lincoln hat
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317. so I grabbed this
chimney sweep hat instead.
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318. - If anyone notices...
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319. We're dead.
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320. - So it would mean a lot if you
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321. apologized
publically, Liz Lemon.
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322. Let the healing begin.
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323. And since you wrote my apology,
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324. we went on ahead
and wrote yours.
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325. - Careful.
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326. Careful.
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327. - Who designed your bathroom?
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328. It's exquisite.
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329. - I did, you son of a bitch.
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330. I'm excellent at
rearranging bathrooms.
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331. Now get out of here,
you got what you wanted.
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332. - I just wanted to
say thank you, Jack.
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333. Very impressive.
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334. Can't imagine that your boss,
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335. Hank Cooper, was all that happy
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336. about the logo change.
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337. - Eh, we'll see.
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338. Our new slogan, "NBC,
we have a magical horse?"
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339. Is testing, uh... Okay.
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340. - Oh, I also wanted
to say that I was lying
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341. when I said that this
wasn't a business play.
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342. - Banks, you're out of the game.
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343. - That's true.
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344. And I've admitted defeat.
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345. For our generation.
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346. But for the next generation?
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347. Well, thanks to you, the
Banks boys are way ahead.
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348. All the favors
that you called in,
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349. you would have used
next year for little lippy.
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350. - Liddy.
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351. - Is that even a name?
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352. In Brooklyn, I know,
like, six lippys...
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353. Doesn't matter.
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354. You just mortgaged
your daughter's future
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355. to get out of a
little jam at work.
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356. My mommy and me group
would really judge your parenting.
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357. Especially lippy's mother.
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358. Which lippy?
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359. Lippy d.
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360. - Oh, god, Liddy might
have to go to public school.
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361. - See you in 30 years, Jack.
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362. I wonder what Liddy will be
doing with her degree from SUNY.
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363. - Don't even say it.
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364. - Oneonta.
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365. You, jacket.
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366. - Well, hello there.
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367. Welcome to the white house.
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368. Four score and
seven years ago...
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369. - What's with that hat?
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370. Oh, I think it looks
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371. very authentic.
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372. - Yeah, I guess you're right.
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373. - Mary Todd, you say?
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374. - Wha... what's happening?
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375. - Shh, Pete, don't talk.
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376. - Wassup?
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377. Yeah, baby!
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378. I'm here today to apologize
for my earlier comments.
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379. I used an offensive term to
describe a group of people
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380. who made america the great...
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381. Continent that it is today.
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382. - Yeah!
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383. - These kickass people have
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384. given the world
countless bodacious things
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385. like the Birther Movement,
intelligent design...
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386. Water parks... no, I will
not endorse water parks.
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387. They are a cesspool of
disease and people boo you
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388. when you walk
back down the stairs.
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389. You know what you
people have given the world?
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390. Girls gone wild.
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391. The golden globes, cans
that tell you how cold beer is,
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392. Florida, Bratz dolls.
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393. - Oh, I get it.
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394. She's naming awesome things.
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395. - No, listen to me.
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396. Because of you, there
may be an entourage movie.
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397. - Hug it off, ma'am!
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398. Turtle, turtle, turtle!
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399. - You know what, I give up.
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400. You should know better, but no.
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401. You're just gonna keep
on riding motorcycles,
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402. having unprotected sex and
voting against free health care.
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403. You will make the same
self-destructive decisions
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404. over and over and you
will never really be happy.
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405. And your jaw will
hurt all the time.
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406. - Oh, look at you.
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407. Perfect little weiner dog,
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408. you just need a little
mustard on you like that.
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409. And a little bun,
just boop, like that.
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410. - No one will make
you deutschepancakes,
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411. or welcome you home smelling
of hot dog water and onion,
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412. or let you break out of jail
when you play monopoly.
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413. Oh, my god, I'm such an idiot.
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414. - Wanna make out?
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415. - No, thank you.
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416. - Hot crowd, hot crowd.
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417. We've only got a minute before
I have to get back out there.
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418. Act two is a play within a play.
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419. - It's funny, in school all you
learn about Abraham Lincoln
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420. is that he was a gay alcoholic.
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421. - Grab his feet.
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422. - Kelsey gram...
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423. - Shh, shh, shh.
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424. There, there, there you go.
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425. Okay, okay.
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426. I've gotta get
back into character.
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427. Hit me in the face!
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428. - What... I forgot to
press a floor again.
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429. Hey, what's up, Jackie D?
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430. - In a lot of ways, you and
I had similar upbringings.
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431. Terrible schools,
broken homes...
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432. - Thinking basketball
was the ticket out.
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433. Being wrong.
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434. - At some point,
our paths diverged.
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435. I went on to Princeton,
business school, ge and beyond.
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436. - And look at me.
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437. I spent all day
creating a movement
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438. just to get back at Liz Lemon.
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439. I said creating a movement.
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440. - The point is that excellence
can come from anywhere.
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441. - It's the same with stupidity.
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442. In this country, anyone could
be the next Jack Donaghy
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443. or the next Denise Richards.
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444. - This room...
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445. Is moving.
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446. Oh, god.
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447. - Banks.
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448. What are you still doing here?
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449. - Well, my husband was supposed
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450. to pick me up at 6:00 but
he can be such an idiot.
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451. - I'm sure he can.
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452. Where did you go
to school, Devin?
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453. - I had the best
education in the world.
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454. Private kindergarten where
I got straight check marks.
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455. Experimental boarding
school in carmel
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456. where the students
teach the teachers,
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457. and the teachers teach animals.
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458. Year abroad on an
all-male catamaran.
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459. Then on to Northwestern
where I majored in confidence.
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460. I had every educational
advantage, Jack.
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461. Just like my children will.
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462. - But I beat you.
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463. - What?
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464. - I beat you.
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465. I came from nothing.
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466. But I caught up
and I crushed you.
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467. Just like Liddy's
gonna crush your sons.
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468. She's already sorting
objects by shape and color.
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469. - At 11 months,
I don't think so.
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470. - She can count to ten
if you say seven for her.
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471. - She gets five and nine?
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472. - She can save five words.
- So.
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473. - In mandarin.
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474. They've put her with
the toddlers at her
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475. singing and clapping
class at fun factory.
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476. - She's in orange group?
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477. - She's already out of the
piaget sensorimotor Stage.
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478. - That's impossible.
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479. She scored a 62 on the
object permanence matrix.
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480. - But that's an adult score.
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481. - And did I mention...
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482. She's using the potty.
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483. - Surely just for wee-wee.
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484. - No.
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485. See you in 30 years, Banks.
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486. - It's already,
like, turning itself.
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487. But I feel like I
still have to turn it.
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488. Oh, oh, my god, mustard
just came out my nose.
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489. Oh, it's burning the
backs of my eyes.
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490. All right, I gotta go
back to work, bye.
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491. - Okay, all right.
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492. Ah, it's burning my face now.
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493. - All right, I'm putting you
on probationary approval.
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494. - Okay, I don't really care.
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495. - I'll tell you what
changed my mind, Criss:
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496. A conversation I had
with Tracy Jordan.
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497. You see, greatness
can come from anywhere.
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498. So if a poor boy from
Boston can become me,
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499. maybe you could become
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500. a suitable sex
partner for Liz Lemon.
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501. You've got three months.
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502. - But your opinion
doesn't matter.
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503. You have no say in this.
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504. - Liz, there's something
wrong with Pete.
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505. Oh, my god!
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506. - I don't know what happened.
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507. - Pete, I have been
out there putting
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508. out fires all day
while you've been
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509. hiding in here doing this?
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510. You're disgusting.
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511. - No, no, I was...
I didn't... I...
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512. Kelsey Grammer!
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513. Kelsey Grammer did this to me.
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514. - Really, Pete?
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515. Kelsey Grammer made you do this
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516. while he was performing his one
man show about Abraham Lincoln?
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517. Ugh.
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518. - Here's to another
successful operation by...
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519. The best friends gang.
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520. - Hang on.
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521. I didn't notice before with all
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522. the excitement, but...
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523. I look incredibly beautiful.
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524. The lighting is back to normal.
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525. - Both switches need
to be on, woman.
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526. - The bulb wasn't even broken?
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527. None of this was necessary.
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528. - I know...
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529. I've been successfully
assassinated.
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530. But I have one last
thing to tell my country.
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531. Blackbeard's
gold is buried in...
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532. - I am a ghost now,
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533. leaving behind my
earthly possessions.
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534. And although I left my
country divided by war,
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535. a civil war...
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536. - So that's where
that name came from.
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537. - I know that future generations
will forge a stronger country
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538. and that some day,
america will be a place
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539. where everybody knows your name.
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