1. Here are all my receipts.
Copy !req
2. Look, I don't
need these, Liz.
Copy !req
3. Your tax return
is the same every year.
Copy !req
4. Actually, I'll have you know
Copy !req
5. that this has been
a year of change, Howard.
Copy !req
6. I joined
an over-40 dance team,
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7. I started eating the lettuce on
my plate under my onion rings,
Copy !req
8. and I have taken up meditation
thanks to my boyfriend Criss.
Copy !req
9. Yeah, do you remember what
you said to me last year?
Copy !req
10. This has been
a year of change, Howard.
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11. I'm actually eating the onion
part of my onion rings,
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12. I started journaling thanks
to my exciting relationship
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13. with Carol, who is a man.
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14. Although we have done nothing
that lesbians could not do.
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15. Uhhuh.
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16. Do you remember what
you said to me last year?
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17. I bought a restaurant-grade
onion ringer,
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18. and I'm having a go
at cycling,
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19. thanks to my boyfriend Wesley,
whom I hate.
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20. Have I never washed
this sweater?
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21. Look, there's nothing wrong
with being predictable.
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22. Every morning I get up
and come to this office
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23. while my wife cheats
on me with Jared.
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24. Well, you're wrong.
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25. I bought a meditation
stool, and...
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26. This year's gonna
be different.
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27. Jack, am I just in
a permanent rut?
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28. I don't have time for
your nonsense, Lemon.
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29. I'm working.
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30. I know this doesn't
look like work,
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31. but are you familiar with
the shower principle?
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32. I remember Mrs. Doyle
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33. pulling me aside
to talk about it
Copy !req
34. - in the seventh grade.
- No.
Copy !req
35. The shower principle is
a term scientists use
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36. to describe moments
of inspiration that occur
Copy !req
37. when the brain is distracted
from the problem at hand.
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38. For example,
when you're showering.
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39. I was in the shower when
I finally got the title
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40. of the movie Face off.
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41. Face off,
face off.
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42. Exactly.
Copy !req
43. If the cerebral cortex
is distracted,
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44. by showering or putting,
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45. then another part of the brain,
Copy !req
46. the anterior superior
temporal gyrus is activated.
Copy !req
47. This is the site of sudden
cognitive inspiration.
Copy !req
48. Nerd alert,
nerd alert.
Copy !req
49. The problem at hand
is this man,
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50. my boss, Hank Hooper.
Copy !req
51. Kabletown has grown a lot
Copy !req
52. over the years,
but it's still a family company
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53. with a very simple goal...
Copy !req
54. To entertain folks.
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55. That's all people want.
Copy !req
56. To sit on their sofas...
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57. Why am I putting on airs?
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58. To sit on their couches,
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59. and hear stories.
Here's one.
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60. 1968.
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61. We were on patrol somewhere near
the Cambodian border.
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62. We can skip this part.
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63. So we boiled the skull,
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64. and made a tea kettle
out of it.
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65. My point is, I believe that
slow and steady wins the race.
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66. We don't take risks.
We make profits.
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67. So now, let's get this
dog fashion show started!
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68. "Everyone hide your bones."
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69. "Dogbeard the pirate
just sailed into woof harbor."
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70. You know what else Hank
announced at that meeting?
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71. Record profits.
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72. Really?
Can we start getting real soda?
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73. Because I think Corka-Coola
brand diet banana lime
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74. - causes "tum nungnuss."
- No.
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75. And do you know what Hank wants
to do with that money?
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76. Pay a shareholder dividend.
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77. Meanwhile, the Kabletown blimp
is in such disrepair,
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78. we got a "jeers"
in Corporate Blimps Weekly.
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79. I want to use that money
to transform this company,
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80. but first I have to convince
Hank Hooper,
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81. a white man
who still buys Cadillacs.
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82. I just need the right idea.
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83. Do you think
a year ago today
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84. we were having this
same conversation?
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85. Because it sure
feels like it.
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86. Probably.
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87. And knowing you,
as you were leaving
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88. you did something
comically undignified.
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89. Well, not this time, friend.
Copy !req
90. - Gumballs!
- Lemon!
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91. 30 ROCK
S06 Ep15 - The shower principle
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92. Why is all the healthy food
on the top shelf today?
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93. Cut it out, you perverts.
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94. I know what you're doing.
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95. It's the first warm
day of the year,
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96. and women are starting to take
off their winter clothes...
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97. Good morning!
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98. Eyes down here, boys.
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99. I have breasts, you know.
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100. Nope, Hazel.
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101. Button up.
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102. Cerie, put on one
of my soup ponchos.
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103. This happens every spring,
Copy !req
104. and it makes Jenna feel
threatened, and old,
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105. and she takes it out on me
Copy !req
106. and the show.
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107. Every year she...
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108. Every year.
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109. The same thing
happens every year.
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110. Take a picture,
it'll last longer.
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111. Here you go.
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112. Liz, at 11:00
we have...
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113. Our annual budget meeting.
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114. You know what I did
a year ago today?
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115. Met with my accountant,
went up to see Jack,
Copy !req
116. told Cerie to cover herself up.
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117. Yeah, stop doing that.
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118. Paula canceled my subscription
to shape magazine.
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119. Why do you have
to take Cerie away too?
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120. 'Cause Jenna's
gonna freak out,
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121. and she'll take it out on me.
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122. Last year,
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123. Jenna accused me
of trying to destroy her
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124. because her lines didn't
have any "K" sounds,
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125. which she thinks
is the funniest sound.
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126. My God.
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127. My cousin Karl
crashed his car,
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128. and now he's in a coma
at the Kendall clinic.
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129. Well...
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130. Look, you don't know
what Jenna's gonna do.
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131. Yeah, I do.
It's in the book,
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132. and the book has been
right about everything.
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133. It can see the future.
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134. Well, hang on.
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135. If all of your problems
are in the book,
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136. aren't the solutions
in there too?
Copy !req
137. Well, we'll see.
Copy !req
138. Last year, Jenna didn't come
to her senses till I...
Copy !req
139. It's all here.
This is how I break the cycle.
Copy !req
140. Today, I prove the universe,
and my accountant, wrong.
Copy !req
141. And, Pete,
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142. don't try to force
a nickname this year.
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143. But I just bought
a Letterman jacket
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144. with "the German"
embroidered on it.
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145. It's not refundable
if you personalize it!
Copy !req
146. Jenna?
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147. I know you're gonna
freak out today.
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148. You're trying to destroy me.
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149. I refuse to be in that sketch.
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150. The MacBeth sketch?
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151. Shh, stop it.
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152. You never say that name
in the theater.
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153. It is curs-ed.
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154. Jenna, that's just
a superstition.
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155. Elizabeth, I was trained
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156. in stage acting
and game show pointing
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157. at the Royal Tampa Academy
of dramatic tricks.
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158. Where I studied
theater superstition,
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159. under Professor
Duane "Crawfish" Kenny.
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160. I'm not doing a sketch about
the Scottish play.
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161. Yeah, but this isn't
MacBeth.
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162. It's a timely satire
of MacBeth,
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163. where mayor McCheese
and his wife,
Copy !req
164. an ambitious pickle,
murder king Ronald.
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165. Liz, I don't need
any more bad luck.
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166. Do you know how many
mirrors I've smashed
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167. just thinking it was
a blonde woman mocking me?
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168. Okay, fine.
Like last year I will...
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169. Just ask Cerie to do it.
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170. Sure, I'll do it.
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171. I just have to be out
in time for my band
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172. to be on Letterman.
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173. Perfect.
Now everyone's happy.
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174. That Jenna sure
is a handful,
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175. Hazel, damn it!
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176. I know she takes
you for granted.
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177. But I don't.
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178. Say, I bought a groupon
for a couples' massage
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179. at a resort in the Catskills
where Henny Youngman
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180. used to take his mistresses.
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181. What do you say?
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182. No. But if you want
to help me,
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183. just keep an eye on Jenna.
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184. I know she's gonna cave,
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185. I just want to make sure she
doesn't do anything crazy first.
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186. As the doctor said to me
after my hepatitis test,
Copy !req
187. "you got it, sweetheart."
Copy !req
188. Banks will provide...
Copy !req
189. Tray.
Copy !req
190. Hold up, double "L".
Copy !req
191. I just want to clear this level.
Copy !req
192. To navigate
the mortgage mess...
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193. Tracy, that's the news.
Copy !req
194. It's the only way
we can watch it.
Copy !req
195. Coming up next, how safe
is your building's elevator?
Copy !req
196. Yes! A thousand points!
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197. Sure.
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198. Tracy, I know you insist
on doing your own taxes
Copy !req
199. for some reason.
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200. I don't trust my accountant.
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201. I think he's lying to
me about being Jewish.
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202. I step on more wine
glasses than he does.
Copy !req
203. Well, last year on this date,
you flipped out
Copy !req
204. because you didn't know
it was the 14th.
Copy !req
205. - So, this is an early warning...
- Wait, hold up.
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206. I didn't even know
it was April.
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207. I was gonna tell Dotcom
Copy !req
208. I loved his novel
as an April fool's joke.
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209. This is all hands on deck!
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210. K-9, form of desk.
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211. Get the receipts out.
Copy !req
212. This big one's
for your sneakers.
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213. Yes, do your taxes, yes.
Copy !req
214. Why do you look so weird?
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215. Have I never seen you carry
a bag before?
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216. I went and took a shower
at the Racquet Club,
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217. where I saw Lou Dobbs step
on his own testicles.
Copy !req
218. It was horrifying.
Copy !req
219. Still trying to get
the ol' jumper cables
Copy !req
220. on the tires
of your brain muffler?
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221. I don't know cars.
Copy !req
222. I get ten minutes
with Hank Hooper tonight.
Copy !req
223. Ten minutes to convince him
Copy !req
224. to change his company forever.
Copy !req
225. This is a crossroads, Lemon.
Copy !req
226. You know what I miss about G.E.?
Copy !req
227. The factories.
The sight of work being done,
Copy !req
228. of things being made.
Copy !req
229. The deafening noise
of machinery.
Copy !req
230. You have
to talk like this!
Copy !req
231. You can only say
what's essential!
Copy !req
232. And you get to point at things!
Copy !req
233. Okay, well I, for one,
Copy !req
234. am crushing it today.
Copy !req
235. I pre-solved my Tracy
and Jenna problems,
Copy !req
236. my budget meeting with
Pete took three seconds,
Copy !req
237. and I got this meditation
candle for 80% off.
Copy !req
238. "Summer horse grave"?
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239. Did you say
meditation candle?
Copy !req
240. Lemon, are you planning
to meditate?
Copy !req
241. Yeah. I bought a meditation
stool, I have a mantra.
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242. You have a mantra?
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243. What is it?
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244. You're not supposed to tell
anybody what your mantra is.
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245. Come on.
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246. Meditation is a waste of time,
like learning French,
Copy !req
247. or kissing after sex.
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248. There you are, lemonade.
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249. Distract her with your
craziness, Tracy.
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250. Otherwise she's going
to meditate.
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251. I don't have time
for that, J.D.
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252. I have to go
to Alaska immediately.
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253. Alaska, what are
you talking about?
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254. Well, Ms. Lemon,
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255. Mr. Jordan had a lot more income
this year than he anticipated,
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256. thanks to his frequent
scratch-off lotto victories,
Copy !req
257. finding all that treasure
on the island
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258. he owns in the Caribbean.
Copy !req
259. Quite an adventure.
Copy !req
260. And designing Kate
Middleton's wedding gown.
Copy !req
261. She was wonderful.
Copy !req
262. Collaborative, fun,
and a little dangerous.
Copy !req
263. Okay, so you have
to go to Alaska because...
Copy !req
264. In order to pay my tax bill,
Copy !req
265. I had to sign on
to do a movie,
Copy !req
266. Five dog now five.
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267. - Gibberish.
- No, that's just the confusing
Copy !req
268. title Disney gave
the fifth Snow dogs movie.
Copy !req
269. The "S" s are fives.
Copy !req
270. Running time, 26 minutes.
Copy !req
271. Why do you need to do
a movie to pay your taxes?
Copy !req
272. You're loaded.
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273. I'm not liquid, Liz Lemon.
Copy !req
274. I'm completely solid.
Copy !req
275. I took all of my money and put
it in my pool and froze it.
Copy !req
276. Nope, this isn't last year.
Copy !req
277. I am breaking the cycle.
Copy !req
278. I will deal with this later,
Copy !req
279. after I meditate.
Copy !req
280. Cycle?
Copy !req
281. I forgot, I sponsored the dude
that won the Tour de France.
Copy !req
282. Add another zero, Ken.
Copy !req
283. "Out, out,
damn spot of mustard."
Copy !req
284. This is the first time
I've ever liked this show.
Copy !req
285. It's so funny.
Copy !req
286. There's a saying
in show business.
Copy !req
287. The show must go on.
Copy !req
288. And I couldn't go another
minute without being around
Copy !req
289. the greatest non-pornography
crew I've ever worked with.
Copy !req
290. It feels so weird
being up here.
Copy !req
291. What if I get discovered?
Copy !req
292. I don't care if this
production is cursed.
Copy !req
293. Like Lady McCheese,
Copy !req
294. I will "screw my courage
to the sticking McNugget."
Copy !req
295. I will do the sketch.
Copy !req
296. Let me help you down, sweet.
Copy !req
297. Careful, don't stab yourself.
Copy !req
298. Okay, let's take it from
Grimace's family being murdered.
Copy !req
299. Jenna, look out!
Copy !req
300. I could have been killed.
Copy !req
301. It's the curse!
Copy !req
302. Sorry.
Copy !req
303. Hard "K" sounds.
Copy !req
304. I'm going to Alaska!
Five now dog five!
Copy !req
305. Five now dog five!
Copy !req
306. Everyone's trying
to destroy me.
Copy !req
307. Five now dog five!
Five now dog five!
Copy !req
308. Budget meeting, "the germ."
Copy !req
309. Pam putch, car waiting times,
"the germ."
Copy !req
310. Distractions begone!
Copy !req
311. Congratulations, Elizabeth.
Copy !req
312. You have achieved
transcendence,
Copy !req
313. a state of pure inner peace,
Copy !req
314. where all pants have
built-in underwear.
Copy !req
315. You have reached
a plane of total enlightenment,
Copy !req
316. and you are realizing
that Jack was right,
Copy !req
317. meditation is a waste of time,
Copy !req
318. time you could have spent
Copy !req
319. reading that book he gave
you on business lunches,
Copy !req
320. Buffett on buffets.
Copy !req
321. But that doesn't make sense.
Copy !req
322. If I've achieved enlightenment,
Copy !req
323. how is this a waste of time?
Copy !req
324. Let me answer your question
with a question.
Copy !req
325. Why don't you just shut up
and tell me your mantra?
Copy !req
326. Is it,
"time to make the donuts"?
Copy !req
327. What are you doing?
Copy !req
328. "Hank Hooper is coming,
Lemon.
Copy !req
329. "I don't have time
for your nonsense.
Copy !req
330. "I'm always criticizing
your shoes,
Copy !req
331. but never offering
solutions."
Copy !req
332. Don't you have a big idea you're
supposed to be coming up with?
Copy !req
333. That's exactly what
I'm trying to do.
Copy !req
334. I realized something today.
Copy !req
335. Putting, showering,
they don't work for me.
Copy !req
336. Only you can stimulate
Copy !req
337. my anterior superior
temporal gyrus.
Copy !req
338. Buy me a drink first.
Copy !req
339. For the past six years,
Copy !req
340. nothing has been a better
distraction than rescuing you
Copy !req
341. from your various wrong turns
on the road of life.
Copy !req
342. And I just don't know what
to do now.
Copy !req
343. I'm scared, Jack.
Copy !req
344. Lemon, just get another DVR
in the bedroom,
Copy !req
345. and then you can record
all four shows at once.
Copy !req
346. I've got it.
Copy !req
347. Dump all the unsold
dishwashers into the ocean.
Copy !req
348. As it turns out,
you are my shower principle,
Copy !req
349. so shower me, Lemon.
Copy !req
350. Shower me in the inane waters
Copy !req
351. of television, food,
and feet.
Copy !req
352. You know what?
Maybe you should try meditating.
Copy !req
353. I am serious.
Copy !req
354. The whole point
is to clear your mind.
Copy !req
355. Meditate, Lemon?
I once pantsed deepak chopra
Copy !req
356. while Craig T. Nelson
taped it.
Copy !req
357. I don't meditate.
Copy !req
358. Liz,
Copy !req
359. does your journal say
anything about Frank
Copy !req
360. trying to drink a gallon
of milk last year?
Copy !req
361. It can't be done.
Copy !req
362. God, the carpet...
Copy !req
363. Somebody hold my hair back.
Copy !req
364. No!
Copy !req
365. My Johnny Choon.
Copy !req
366. Are you all right?
Copy !req
367. I've seen people
killed with shoes,
Copy !req
368. but never like that.
Copy !req
369. I can't believe
this is happening.
Copy !req
370. I was just using the curse
of the Scottish play
Copy !req
371. as an excuse to act out.
Copy !req
372. But it's real.
Copy !req
373. Like I need
another curse.
Copy !req
374. Too busty.
Copy !req
375. I'm running out of time.
Copy !req
376. Meditate perfectly.
Copy !req
377. Jack, tell me what
to do about my...
Copy !req
378. Boyfriend! DVR! Feet!
Copy !req
379. SMAS mondays at 10:00!
Female mustache.
Copy !req
380. My casserole's burning!
My casserole's burnt!
Copy !req
381. Nut up, Donaghy,
and meditate!
Copy !req
382. Congratulations, Jack.
Copy !req
383. You have attained...
Copy !req
384. Shut up,
I don't have time for this.
Copy !req
385. Give me my inspiration.
Copy !req
386. My God, you're good
at meditating.
Copy !req
387. The answer you seek has
been there all along.
Copy !req
388. It's right behind you.
Copy !req
389. Behind you.
Copy !req
390. Behind you,
behind yo...
Copy !req
391. I don't need an echo.
Copy !req
392. I heard you.
Copy !req
393. Meditation over!
Copy !req
394. Behind me.
Copy !req
395. Behind me.
Copy !req
396. I've got it!
Copy !req
397. You know what they'd thought
when I saw up your skirt.
Copy !req
398. Nice.
Copy !req
399. Someone won
the crotch jackpot.
Copy !req
400. I need a drink.
Copy !req
401. My hand!
Copy !req
402. But I'm auditioning to play
senor wences' wife tomorrow!
Copy !req
403. I can't take this any more.
Copy !req
404. This curse is ruining
my life.
Copy !req
405. No, it's not.
Copy !req
406. I am.
Copy !req
407. What are you talking about?
Copy !req
408. The light, your shoe,
the chair, your hand.
Copy !req
409. It was all me, Jenna.
Copy !req
410. Wh... why would you do that?
Copy !req
411. Because, I want to
be Liz Lemon's best friend.
Copy !req
412. I want to know her secrets,
Copy !req
413. sing Motown together
into hairbrushes,
Copy !req
414. have a pair of vintage
Jordache jeans that we share.
Copy !req
415. But, love has enemies...
You.
Copy !req
416. - So you tried to kill me?
- Of course not, silly.
Copy !req
417. I can't afford a third strike.
Copy !req
418. I just wanted to scare you off.
Copy !req
419. And I'll stop, if you
never speak to Liz again.
Copy !req
420. Nice try, Hazel.
Copy !req
421. But you made the same mistake
Copy !req
422. Mickey Rourke made
on that catamaran.
Copy !req
423. You didn't kill me
when you had the chance.
Copy !req
424. Can I get you anything, Hank?
Copy !req
425. Bottled water?
Copy !req
426. I'm not fancy like that, Jack.
Copy !req
427. If I get thirsty, I'll just
drink the water from lunch
Copy !req
428. I saved in my cheek.
Copy !req
429. I've got one word
for you, Hank...
Copy !req
430. Couches.
Copy !req
431. I've been thinking
about what you told
Copy !req
432. the investors the other day.
Copy !req
433. Kabletown fulfills our fellow
Americans' most American need...
Copy !req
434. To sit on a couch,
talking on the phone,
Copy !req
435. about a TV show
they're watching,
Copy !req
436. based on a YouTube clip.
Copy !req
437. Is NBC developing a show
Copy !req
438. for that cat that jumps
in the boxes?
Copy !req
439. No, that's, uh... yes!
Copy !req
440. Heh!
As a matter of fact, we are.
Copy !req
441. But my point is,
Kabletown controls
Copy !req
442. nearly every aspect
of that experience.
Copy !req
443. The phone, Internet, TV,
that's all us.
Copy !req
444. But, we don't control
the couch.
Copy !req
445. Why are we outsourcing
the American dream, Hank?
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446. Why are the couches our
customers sit on made in...
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447. I don't know... Vietnam?
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448. Taking my original buttocks
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449. wasn't enough
for those bastards.
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450. Here's what I want to do
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451. with our profits this quarter.
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452. I want to make couches, Hank.
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453. Kabletown couches.
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454. American couches.
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455. Boy, I do love
a good couch, Jack.
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456. You know, I'm like a couch
in a lot of ways.
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457. I fell asleep at a Raymour
and Flanigan last week,
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458. and a black family
tried to buy me.
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459. Let's do it!
Let's make us some couches.
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460. You won't
regret this, Hank.
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461. I only have three regrets
in my life, Jack.
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462. Not buying the Phillies,
not marrying my wife sooner,
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463. and not surprising you
any quicker with this hug.
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464. Yup, same as last year.
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465. My situation has progressed in
an interesting way, Liz Lemon.
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466. I don't want to hear it.
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467. To solve my tax problem, I
called the treasury department
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468. and told them I won't
pay my taxes until I see
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469. your president's
birth certificate.
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470. They told me if I did that,
they would arrest me.
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471. Things got heated,
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472. so I said I had a bomb.
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473. Hazel is trying
to destroy me.
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474. Really? Now Hazel
is trying to destroy you?
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475. Jenna, do you know how
crazy you sound right now?
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476. Liz and I, or "Lazel,"
are really worried about you.
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477. My God.
Doesn't matter what I do,
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478. - nothing ever changes.
- Ms. Lemon,
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479. I'm sorry to interrupt,
but I need to get
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480. a recommendation from you
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481. to reapply
to the NBC page program.
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482. We've already done
that, Kenneth.
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483. We've done all of this!
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484. All I wanted was
one shred of evidence
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485. that my life
is moving forward.
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486. Baby doll, what about me?
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487. - I'm new.
- Are you, Hazel?
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488. You're just another
weird page,
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489. and I already have
one of those.
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490. Thank you.
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491. You people,
you are the reason
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492. my life is a stagnant,
monotonous hell!
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493. No, that reminds me.
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494. My stand-up tour.
Add another zero, Ken.
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495. Jack?
Why did you invite me here?
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496. You're gonna murder me,
aren't you?
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497. - It's okay.
- Up here, Lemon.
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498. I haven't secured that
level from the rats yet.
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499. What the hell is this place?
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500. This is where
I remake Kabletown.
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501. And where Americans,
and for cost reasons,
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502. quite a few "foreign Americans,"
will make couches.
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503. To watch TV on.
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504. Do I finally understand
vertical integration?
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505. Yes.
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506. Well, at least one of us
got out of their rut today.
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507. Lemon, what are you doing?
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508. I realized today that I cannot
do my job without you.
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509. This is all because of you.
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510. You're admitting
you need me,
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511. and all my nonsense.
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512. You haven't done that since...
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513. You've never done that.
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514. I wanted a new G.E.
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515. I got a couch factory,
but it's a start.
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516. Baby steps, Lemon.
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517. - To new beginnings.
- Lemon?
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518. The cycle is broken.
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519. Jack, the rats have
my meditation stool.
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520. Help! Shoot it free!
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521. Let her go, you bastard!
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522. Tomorrow, and tomorrow,
and tomorrow,
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523. creeps in this petty
pace from day to day
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524. to the last syllable
of recorded time.
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525. And all our yesterdays
have lighted fools
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526. the way to dusty death.
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527. Out, out, brief candle.
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528. Life's but a walking shadow,
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529. a poor player that struts and
frets his hour upon the stage,
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530. and then is heard no more.
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531. It is a tail told by an idiot,
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532. full sound of furry,
signifying nothing.
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533. Would you like to try our apple dippers?
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