1. Why did I just received this viewer essaysCopy !req
2. on the subject
"why I love TGS?"Copy !req
3. Please tell me it's not—Copy !req
4. - the annual TGS viewer
walk-on contest.Copy !req
5. It's great promotion, Lemon.Copy !req
6. We found that if someone
is actually on NBC,Copy !req
7. they're 4% more likely
to watch it.Copy !req
8. - Really?
We're doing this again?Copy !req
9. After what happened last year?Copy !req
10. - Gassy Patsy,
you can't eat—Copy !req
11. Keep the white house white.Copy !req
12. - You know who enters
these walk-on contests?Copy !req
13. Weirdos.Copy !req
14. - Read the essays, Lemon.
It's not going to kill you.Copy !req
15. - Oh, really? 'Cause this one
is typed on the insideCopy !req
16. of a bloody halter top.Copy !req
17. - Just pick one.Copy !req
18. And while you're at it,
which one of these tiesCopy !req
19. do you prefer?Copy !req
20. - I thought you said
a man should never wear pastelCopy !req
21. unless he's a black guy
on Easter.Copy !req
22. - Usually, but I'm going
on the today showCopy !req
23. to talk about Avery,Copy !req
24. and I need to tone down
my natural auraCopy !req
25. of strength
and sexual dominance.Copy !req
26. Which wasn't going to happenCopy !req
27. with the tie
I was going to wear.Copy !req
28. - Oh, my.Copy !req
29. So, uh, what is the news
with Avery?Copy !req
30. - Uh, there isn't any,
and that's the problem.Copy !req
31. The U.N. is useless,
the state departmentCopy !req
32. is full of democrats,Copy !req
33. and as it turns out,
amnesty internationalCopy !req
34. is nothing but a company
that makes and sells candles.Copy !req
35. - That explains all the vigils.
That is a good scam.Copy !req
36. - It's been a year,
and the media have moved on.Copy !req
37. - Media is a plural noun.
Put this tie on.Copy !req
38. - I have to find a way
to get Avery's storyCopy !req
39. back on the front page.Copy !req
40. Fortunately, I run a network
with a news division,Copy !req
41. and I will do whatever it takes
to keep Avery's plightCopy !req
42. Go and see Matt lauer's band.
It's blues rock, Lemon.Copy !req
43. It's called...Copy !req
44. "Rhythm and news".Copy !req
45. - Lemon, no.Copy !req
46. - Sir, I've been thinking.Copy !req
47. I know I'm a big shot now
with my suitsCopy !req
48. and a desk lamp that I control,Copy !req
49. but I just want you to knowCopy !req
50. I will always be a page
at heart.Copy !req
51. Even if I did just receive
a fancy award at my new job.Copy !req
52. - On behalf of
the mother—Copy !req
53. Standards department,Copy !req
54. I, Gaylord Felcher, present youCopy !req
55. with the "employee
of the — week" award.Copy !req
56. Let's give it up for this...Copy !req
57. Bag of...Copy !req
58. - So what can I get for you?Copy !req
59. - And Hazel's on it, Tracy.Copy !req
60. Kenneth, can I speak with you?Copy !req
61. - Can you?
You just did.Copy !req
62. - What's your problem?Copy !req
63. - Oh, my, well...Copy !req
64. My parents were
technically brothers—Copy !req
65. - look, I'm trying to do
my job here.Copy !req
66. Tracy's my responsibility now.
I take care of him.Copy !req
67. - Oh, well, I'm sorry,
Ms. what's-her-name,Copy !req
68. but I'll always be there
for Mr. Jordan.Copy !req
69. He has a special place
in my heart.Copy !req
70. Just like Nana Parcell,
my heartworm.Copy !req
71. - Ugh!Copy !req
72. - Hey, Jack.
What are you still doing here?Copy !req
73. Your segment was bumped.
- What?Copy !req
74. Why? You guys doing
another hard-hitting exposeCopy !req
75. on how to plan a staycation
with your cyber bully?Copy !req
76. - No, it's real news for once.Copy !req
77. There was a mine collapse
in China.Copy !req
78. Turns out,
to keep labor costs down,Copy !req
79. all the miners there
are babies.Copy !req
80. They pay 'em in yogurt.Copy !req
81. - God.Copy !req
82. Remember when we used to be the
world leader in baby cuteness?Copy !req
83. I can't compete with that.Copy !req
84. - Also, adult dogs can't fit
in the baby mines,Copy !req
85. so they're lowering down puppies
to bring in supplies.Copy !req
86. - Hey, thanks for coming
to see my band last night.Copy !req
87. - Yes, I didn't expect you
to play for four hours.Copy !req
88. - Hey, dummies, I need you guys
to write a sketchCopy !req
89. with a non-speaking part for
whoever wins this dumb contest.Copy !req
90. And do not write another
sketch about KrangCopy !req
91. from teenage mutant
ninja turtles.Copy !req
92. No one knows who Krang is.Copy !req
93. It would be a waste of time to
talk about Krang on television.Copy !req
94. No more Krang!Copy !req
95. - Liz?
- Krang!Copy !req
96. What the hell, Hazel?Copy !req
97. - Can I ask your advice,
woman to woman?Copy !req
98. - Are you sure?Copy !req
99. 'Cause I took one of thoseCopy !req
100. "which gossip girl are you?"
Quizzes,Copy !req
101. and it said I was
the dad's guitar.Copy !req
102. - Please.
You are so amazing.Copy !req
103. This place
is such a boys' club,Copy !req
104. but you boss them around
like an Amazon warrior queen.Copy !req
105. And look at your body.Copy !req
106. Your rack is like, "pow!"Copy !req
107. - Hazel, what is the question?
- It's Kenneth.Copy !req
108. He's not a page anymore,Copy !req
109. but he keeps trying
to do my job for me.Copy !req
110. And when I confronted him
about it,Copy !req
111. he was so condescending.Copy !req
112. He laughed at me, and then
he undressed me with his eyes.Copy !req
113. And then he had his way
with me.Copy !req
114. With his eyes.Copy !req
115. - Ugh. The male gaze.
- Yeah.Copy !req
116. They're all a bunch of gays.Copy !req
117. - No, Kenneth is sweet,
but he's still a man.Copy !req
118. And in our society,
men get praisedCopy !req
119. for just taking
whatever they want.Copy !req
120. But what do people call women
who are tough and ambitious?Copy !req
121. - Leslie or Courtney?Copy !req
122. - What? No.
A bitch.Copy !req
123. Well, you may be at the bottom
of the totem pole now,Copy !req
124. but you're in the game.Copy !req
125. So play it like a man and don't
let anyone try to stop you.Copy !req
126. Just like the karate kid—
Hilary Swank "Karate Kid IV".Copy !req
127. - I want you to be my mentor.Copy !req
128. - Julie-San,
fighting not good.Copy !req
129. But if must fight, win.Copy !req
130. Kesuke Miyagi, Karate Kid IV.Copy !req
131. I accept!Copy !req
132. - You listen to me, Blitzer.Copy !req
133. Either CNN gets back
on the Avery Jessup story,Copy !req
134. or I'll tell everyone your
real name, Steel Hammerhands.Copy !req
135. Hello?Copy !req
136. Steel?
Mr. Hammerhands?Copy !req
137. - Jack.Copy !req
138. I have an important
actor request.Copy !req
139. - This is not really
a good time, Jenna.Copy !req
140. - I want you to hire a giant
to stand in the backgroundCopy !req
141. of every scene I'm in
to make me look daintier.Copy !req
142. It works.Copy !req
143. It's why Lamar Odom married
that giant Kardashian girl.Copy !req
144. - I run a TV network,Copy !req
145. and I still can't get my wife's
story on the air.Copy !req
146. The world may have forgotten
about Avery, but I haven't.Copy !req
147. Sometimes at night,
I sit here in the dark,Copy !req
148. drinking scotch,
staring at that doorway,Copy !req
149. hoping against hopeCopy !req
150. that she'll walk
as if nothing ever happened.Copy !req
151. "I'm home, Jack.Copy !req
152. And I brought back a bunch
of oriental sex powders."Copy !req
153. - I know how you can get
Avery back on television.Copy !req
154. Her story has everything!Copy !req
155. Blondeness, kidnapping,Copy !req
156. a villain with an accent.Copy !req
157. It's the perfect TV movie.
I should know.Copy !req
158. I played Italian party whore
in the Amanda Knox story.Copy !req
159. - A TV movie—Jenna, I don't
want to trivialize this ordeal.Copy !req
160. - But those movies get results.Copy !req
161. Every kidnapped woman
I've ever playedCopy !req
162. has been released.Copy !req
163. - Well, it would allow me
to control the story.Copy !req
164. - Well, you better hurry, Jack.Copy !req
165. Oxygen is already working
on a movieCopy !req
166. about the baby miners.Copy !req
167. - Then we'll have
to slow them down.Copy !req
168. Gabriel...Copy !req
169. Send a bunch of pies
to the Oxygen network.Copy !req
170. - Excuse me,
Ms. what's-her-name.Copy !req
171. What's that?Copy !req
172. - Not that it's any
of your business,Copy !req
173. but Tracy's jaw is tired
from pretending to be pac-man.Copy !req
174. So I'm making it easier
for him to eat.Copy !req
175. - No! No!Copy !req
176. He can't eat that junk.Copy !req
177. He just got his cholesterol
down to triple digits.Copy !req
178. - Get off my ass, Parcell.
I'm doing my job.Copy !req
179. You think you can push me around
just because you have a penis?Copy !req
180. - I definitely have a penis.Copy !req
181. - You think I'm some
delicate little girlCopy !req
182. who'll do whatever you say?Copy !req
183. Well, I'm not delicate.Copy !req
184. I've been in tons
of car wrecks.Copy !req
185. - Hazel, I just peed this.Copy !req
186. Could you take care
of it for me?Copy !req
187. - Sir!Copy !req
188. I am resuming responsibility
for your care.Copy !req
189. You are in dire needCopy !req
190. of a getting-your-act-together
montage.Copy !req
191. You wanna be bossed around
by this trailer park Hitler?Copy !req
192. Or do you wanna do whatever you
want with a sexy, fun bitchCopy !req
193. who just bought you a pinata?Copy !req
194. - Awesome!Copy !req
195. Miss Lemon, do you
have a momentCopy !req
196. or are you busy regretting
your life choices,Copy !req
197. for example, missing your window
for having children?Copy !req
198. - Get to the point, Kenneth.
- It's Hazel.Copy !req
199. I'm trying to help her,
but she's gone crazy.Copy !req
200. - Uh-huh.
You can't handle the factCopy !req
201. that a woman is doing
your old job.Copy !req
202. What a world.Copy !req
203. I bet even Hillary Clinton
has to put up with this crapCopy !req
204. from whoever was
secretary of state before her.Copy !req
205. - You mean Condoleezza—
- Shut up.Copy !req
206. Look, I believe in Hazel.
I happen to be her mentor.Copy !req
207. So to quote Mr. Miyagi,Copy !req
208. "leave girl alone or you deal
with me, surf shop owner."Copy !req
209. - Hey, sweetie.
How was your day?Copy !req
210. - Not even half over, Hazel.Copy !req
211. Ugh! I still have to read
all these essays.Copy !req
212. Okay.
- Look at you.Copy !req
213. You're a whirlwind—
in charge in the board room...Copy !req
214. And the bedroom.
- Sure.Copy !req
215. - You're a modern,
DTF type womanCopy !req
216. whose whole vibe says,Copy !req
217. "yeah! Dig sex and I'm not
gonna apologize for it."Copy !req
218. - Okay, here's a little
bedroom tip.Copy !req
219. Put a bag of popcorn
in the microwave beforehand.Copy !req
220. That way, when you're done,
you have a treat.Copy !req
221. - I wish I had your
emotional intelligence.Copy !req
222. My boyfriend Razmig and I
have hit a little rough patch.Copy !req
223. - Okay.
Lay it on me.Copy !req
224. - Well, I went home
this afternoon to get some,Copy !req
225. and I found Razmig banging the
fattest chick I've ever seen.Copy !req
226. And you know,
I used to weigh 800 pounds.Copy !req
227. - Stop right there.Copy !req
228. You didn't hit a rough patch.
He cheated on you.Copy !req
229. You have to dump him
immediately.Copy !req
230. - What?
How can you say that?Copy !req
231. - Hazel,
I'm trying to help you.Copy !req
232. - By asking me to break up
with the man I love?Copy !req
233. Helping me would be teaching me
how to spice things up.Copy !req
234. Like by greeting him
at the front doorCopy !req
235. wearing nothing
but false teeth.Copy !req
236. I'm very disappointed
in your mentorship, Liz.Copy !req
237. If this were two years ago,Copy !req
238. I would sit on you
till you died.Copy !req
239. - No wigs.Copy !req
240. I said no wigs.Copy !req
241. You're not a lead, Gabe.Copy !req
242. At best, you're a featured extra
with no lines.Copy !req
243. Do you understand?
- Hey, Gabe.Copy !req
244. - Lemon, would you be interested
in writing the screenplayCopy !req
245. for the greatest love story
ever told?Copy !req
246. - You mean Lois Lane's love
affair with journalism?Copy !req
247. I said it.
- Avery and me.Copy !req
248. I'm producing
a television movieCopy !req
249. to get her back
in the headlines.Copy !req
250. For obvious reasons,
I'm fast-tracking the project.Copy !req
251. The script is due on Monday.
- Monday?Copy !req
252. Hmm. I guess I won't be able
to go to the gym this weekend.Copy !req
253. - I know it's short notice,Copy !req
254. but I would consider it
a personal favorCopy !req
255. after six years of listening
to you complainCopy !req
256. about how there are
so few women on death row.Copy !req
257. - Is a coincidence,
or is the system sexist?Copy !req
258. Oh! Speaking
of our amazing dynamic,Copy !req
259. I have taken on a mentee
of my own, Jack—Copy !req
260. a page named Hazel.Copy !req
261. - You're a mentor?Copy !req
262. But that makes me
a grand-mentor.Copy !req
263. And I'm still so young.
- Don't worry.Copy !req
264. I already messed it up.Copy !req
265. I told her to break up
with her awful boyfriendCopy !req
266. and she got really mad at me.Copy !req
267. - Often, the best way
for a mentee to learnCopy !req
268. is for you to let her fail.Copy !req
269. - Wait, does that mean
you've done that to me?Copy !req
270. When?
- Um—Copy !req
271. - I think the crowd
at the ApolloCopy !req
272. might welcome a change of pace.Copy !req
273. - You're right.
You should do it.Copy !req
274. Sometimes, they have
to learn the hard way.Copy !req
275. If Hazel rejects your advice,
let her.Copy !req
276. She'll get there on her ownCopy !req
277. just like you did
after the crowd at the ApolloCopy !req
278. chased you into the river.Copy !req
279. - Okay, I understand the irony
of what I'm about to say,Copy !req
280. but I reject that advice.Copy !req
281. Don't worry, I'll bring you back
a t-shirt from successtown.Copy !req
282. Ow! My groin!Copy !req
283. - Mr. Jordan!
- K-dog.Copy !req
284. You were wrong.
They do still make crossbows.Copy !req
285. - You let him buy a crossbow?Copy !req
286. And a motorcycle?Copy !req
287. - No, Kenneth, I let him buy
a motorcycle rampCopy !req
288. and no motorcycle!Copy !req
289. Can I help you?Copy !req
290. Tracy's very tired.
He didn't sleep last night.Copy !req
291. - Why not?Copy !req
292. If he doesn't get at least
14 hours a night,Copy !req
293. he starts to go crazy.Copy !req
294. - We on a show within a show!Copy !req
295. My real name is Tracy Morgan!Copy !req
296. - Well, Tracy wanted
to go clubbing.Copy !req
297. And I don't know
if you know this, Kenneth,Copy !req
298. but night clubs
are open at night.Copy !req
299. - You didn't let him drink,
did you?Copy !req
300. Mr. Jordan can't mix alcohol
with his medication.Copy !req
301. - I'm not an idiot, Kenneth.
I took him off his medication.Copy !req
302. - You what?Copy !req
303. Why are you doing this?Copy !req
304. - Because Liz told me to.Copy !req
305. Having access to Tracy
is an opportunity,Copy !req
306. and I'm taking advantage of it.Copy !req
307. Did you see page six today?Copy !req
308. Those are my toes
he's sucking on.Copy !req
309. And he did not want to.Copy !req
310. Ah, mm.Copy !req
311. - Jack!Copy !req
312. What the hell is this?Copy !req
313. - Where did you get that?Copy !req
314. - Donna from casting and I
are friends.Copy !req
315. Well, not so much friendsCopy !req
316. as I own a magnet
that can scramble her pacemaker.Copy !req
317. - Jenna,
you are not playing Avery.Copy !req
318. - Why not?
This movie was my idea!Copy !req
319. - I appreciate that.Copy !req
320. You can play
a Korean party whore.Copy !req
321. I just don't think you can
capture Avery's essence.Copy !req
322. - That's ridiculous.Copy !req
323. I posed bottomless in essence.Copy !req
324. - Jenna, Avery is worldly.
Traveled.Copy !req
325. She went to Yale.Copy !req
326. - Oh, I see.Copy !req
327. You think I'm stupid,
just because my collegeCopy !req
328. got tipped
over by those Miami heat fans.Copy !req
329. - I didn't say stupid.Copy !req
330. Jenna, there are many kinds
of intelligence.Copy !req
331. Practical, emotional,
and there's actual intelligence,Copy !req
332. which is
what I'm talking about.Copy !req
333. - I want this part, Jack.Copy !req
334. It's a guaranteed
Emmy nomination.Copy !req
335. - I'm sorry.
I've made up my mind.Copy !req
336. - Very well.Copy !req
337. But let me ask you this, Jack.Copy !req
338. Would a dumb person be able
to think of something amazingCopy !req
339. to say as she leaves?Copy !req
340. - Liz, we have a show
in four hours.Copy !req
341. Have you still not picked
a contest winner?Copy !req
342. - Ugh! Fine,
I'll just pick one at random.Copy !req
343. It's Joren van der Sloot.Copy !req
344. - We can't fly someone
from Peru now.Copy !req
345. There's no time.Copy !req
346. - Oh, Hazel, we need to talk.
- I'm busy, Liz.Copy !req
347. Tracy wants me to page for him
in Las Vegas this weekend.Copy !req
348. Is this dress appropriateCopy !req
349. for watching pornography
with Penn Jillette?Copy !req
350. - Okay, normally we don't
encourage Tracy to go to Vegas,Copy !req
351. because of his gambling
addiction and his fear of magic.Copy !req
352. But maybe a weekend away
from Razmig is a good thing.Copy !req
353. - No.
Razmig's coming with me.Copy !req
354. - What?
Who is this, Hah-zel?Copy !req
355. I no permit you talk
other woman.Copy !req
356. - Okay, I'm putting
my foot down.Copy !req
357. This guy is no good for you
and I order you, as your mentor,Copy !req
358. to dump him.Copy !req
359. - You don't know what you're
talking about, Liz.Copy !req
360. Razmig is amazing.
He makes me laugh.Copy !req
361. - Oh, where is toilet pail?
Razmig must make mud.Copy !req
362. - Razmig!Copy !req
363. - Hazel, no.
I'm not letting you—Copy !req
364. Let her fail, Liz.Copy !req
365. Let her get there on her own.Copy !req
366. - You know what, fine.
You're right, I'm wrong.Copy !req
367. Go, be with Razmig.
- Thank you, Liz.Copy !req
368. It takes a big woman
to admit she's wrong.Copy !req
369. - You are a big woman.Copy !req
370. You have pictures?
Fat nudes?Copy !req
371. I need your help, Ms. Maroney.Copy !req
372. - Absolutely.Copy !req
373. Oh, I thought
you were someone famous.Copy !req
374. You sound a lot
like Reese Witherspoon.Copy !req
375. What do you want?Copy !req
376. - I'm afraid if Mr. Jordan
goes to Las Vegas this weekend,Copy !req
377. he's gonna die.Copy !req
378. - I'm not hearing my name,
Kenneth.Copy !req
379. - So I thought you—Copy !req
380. - oh, thank God.
That took forever.Copy !req
381. - I thought you could teach me
how to get around Hazel.Copy !req
382. If I could just get one minute
alone with Mr. Jordan—Copy !req
383. - you can convince him
he's wrong. Yes!Copy !req
384. But how do you get
his attention?Copy !req
385. All the world's a stage,
Kenneth.Copy !req
386. Just play the part.Copy !req
387. - Play the part?Copy !req
388. +Copy !req
389. - Ms. Lemon.Copy !req
390. If it's not too late,Copy !req
391. I would like the essay contest
to win a roleCopy !req
392. on TGS with Tracy Jordan.Copy !req
393. - No, Kenneth, you can't enter.Copy !req
394. The contest isn't open
to NBC employees.Copy !req
395. - I know, ma'am-maw.Copy !req
396. Which is why I just quit my jobCopy !req
397. at standards and practices.Copy !req
398. - I may hate you right now,Copy !req
399. you little, but
damn it I respect you.Copy !req
400. - Kenneth,
you know this is justCopy !req
401. to be a non-speaking extra,
right?Copy !req
402. - I know.Copy !req
403. But have you ever loved
something so muchCopy !req
404. that you would sacrifice
anything for it?Copy !req
405. - Nope.Copy !req
406. But you know what,
this is perfect.Copy !req
407. Because then I don't have
to pick some crazy person,Copy !req
408. and I know you won't do anything
weird on the air.Copy !req
409. - I'm Kenneth!Copy !req
410. - Get to wardrobe,
contest winner!Copy !req
411. This is gonna be a great show.Copy !req
412. - Hello?
- Hi, it's Charles from the U.N.Copy !req
413. We found your wifeCopy !req
414. and I dropped her off
at the office.Copy !req
415. She should be there
right about now.Copy !req
416. - Jack, it's me.
I'm home.Copy !req
417. - No, you're not my wife.Copy !req
418. - How could you say that,
darling?Copy !req
419. I'm Avery jesbert.
- Jenna?Copy !req
420. - No, don't turn on the light.Copy !req
421. Surprised?Copy !req
422. - Let's set aside
how idiotic that plan was,Copy !req
423. and imagine a world
where it actually worked.Copy !req
424. - I appreciate your feedback.Copy !req
425. - If I had believed you
for one second,Copy !req
426. I would've been devastated,
heartbroken!Copy !req
427. - You wanna talk
about devastation?Copy !req
428. How do you think I felt when you
told me I couldn't play Avery?Copy !req
429. - You are a monster.Copy !req
430. What you have done here today,
it's—it's...Copy !req
431. The second cruelest thing
that anyone has ever done to me.Copy !req
432. Do you know what
the cruelest is?Copy !req
433. - When I went to the bathroom
on the hood of your carCopy !req
434. before I thought of this plan?Copy !req
435. - Avery had me committed
to a mental hospitalCopy !req
436. so she and her college roommateCopy !req
437. could use my yankee tickets
on opening day.Copy !req
438. - That's a nice story, Jack,
but I don't hear my name in it.Copy !req
439. - You—
- Finally.Copy !req
440. - You may not have
Avery's grace and acumen,Copy !req
441. but you do have the one thing
that makes her so special—Copy !req
442. her ruthless pursuit
of self-interest.Copy !req
443. It's the heart of capitalism.Copy !req
444. And the beautiful black heart
of my wife.Copy !req
445. Jenna, you have Avery's essence.
Congratulations.Copy !req
446. The part is yours.Copy !req
447. - Oh! You won't regret this.Copy !req
448. We're gonna get her home, Jack.Copy !req
449. Now if you'll excuse me,Copy !req
450. I have a female condom
to take out.Copy !req
451. Unless...Copy !req
452. Going once...Copy !req
453. - Four, three—Copy !req
454. - Ladies and gentlemen,Copy !req
455. a message from the president
of the United States.Copy !req
456. - Goo-goo, ga-ga,
my fellow ah-meh-ri-cans.Copy !req
457. - Okay, he's never been worse.Copy !req
458. Is Kenneth supposed to enter?Copy !req
459. - I love you, sir.Copy !req
460. - Ken, where have you been?Copy !req
461. - Damn it.
- I've been here all along.Copy !req
462. I never left.
And I never will.Copy !req
463. - Go to commercial.Copy !req
464. - They told us
we can't do that any more.Copy !req
465. - What?Copy !req
466. - I quit my job
to be here, Mr. Jordan.Copy !req
467. It was the only way
I could get around Hazel.Copy !req
468. - You quit your job for me?Copy !req
469. - I'm not just gonna sit by
and watch you destroy yourself.Copy !req
470. 'Cause I would do anything
for love,Copy !req
471. but I won't do that.Copy !req
472. - The girl in that video was hot
in an early '90s kind of way.Copy !req
473. - Now... Take your medicine.Copy !req
474. - This has been a messageCopy !req
475. from the president
of the United States.Copy !req
476. - Tough night?Copy !req
477. Come on, Lemon.
The show was all right.Copy !req
478. What about the sketch
with the guy who was worriedCopy !req
479. about his sexual performance?Copy !req
480. - That was a real commercial for
an erectile dysfunction drug.Copy !req
481. - Well, I laughed.Copy !req
482. So, uh, how did things
shake out with Hazel?Copy !req
483. - Not great.Copy !req
484. My way, which is still
the right way, didn't work.Copy !req
485. So just to see,
I did your thing.Copy !req
486. - Good.
You let her fail.Copy !req
487. That's how the banking industry
learned its lesson.Copy !req
488. And now they're doing amazing,
and everyone's honest.Copy !req
489. - Mm. Your thing
didn't work either.Copy !req
490. - Are you sure?Copy !req
491. Mentoring is not
an exact science.Copy !req
492. - Why aren't there
more female serial killers?Copy !req
493. What does that say
about our society—Copy !req
494. - Liz!Copy !req
495. - Oh, here she is.
She's here.Copy !req
496. - Liz, I was watching the show
fall apartCopy !req
497. while Razmig gave me
a prison tattoo of his face,Copy !req
498. and I heard your voice.Copy !req
499. I finally heard
everything you said to me.Copy !req
500. "Hazel,
you're a beautiful flower.Copy !req
501. "Let yourself bloom.Copy !req
502. "What are you doing
this weekend, Hazel?Copy !req
503. Are there still bath houses?
Let's go to one!"Copy !req
504. - I never said any of that,
but—Copy !req
505. - you were right all along.Copy !req
506. You knew I was making
the wrong choices.Copy !req
507. But you let me fail.
With Razmig, with Tracy.Copy !req
508. - Yes, I was definitely
on top of that Tracy thing.Copy !req
509. - You were teaching me
the whole time,Copy !req
510. and all the while lighting
a fire with that hot ass.Copy !req
511. - I'm... Jack.Copy !req
512. I'm your grand-mentor.
Liz?Copy !req
513. She's beautiful.Copy !req
514. This next lady is from White Haven,
PennsylvaniaCopy !req
515. Okay! Please welcome
to the stage Leminem!Copy !req
516. Ooh!Copy !req
517. Go White Haven.Copy !req