1. Well, hello, Hank.
So good of you to come up.
Copy !req
2. Well,
I'm not gonna miss
Copy !req
3. the America's Kidz
got singing finale.
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4. Last time I was this excited
was this morning.
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5. I saw a cat wearing
the same sweater as its person.
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6. Jack, you remember
my granddaughter.
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7. Hi, Mr. Donaghy.
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8. Kaylie.
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9. There's Jenna Marone.
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10. So, Jack, how's your wife?
Still kidnapped?
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11. How's the yearbook going?
I heard you made editor...
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12. Of the photo captions.
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13. Pop-Pop, wait up.
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14. Pop-Pop, wait up.
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15. I'm so excited
for the finale.
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16. Not that it matters,
even if Brock doesn't win,
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17. he is going to get
a record contract.
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18. So, it definitely
doesn't matter.
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19. This isn't the last
we will be seeing of Brock.
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20. Well, whoever wins, it's
a great night for the industry.
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21. Kidz is a hit the whole family
can watch together,
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22. not your usual sitcom crap
full of gratuitous vulgarity
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23. and pratfalls.
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24. My penis!
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25. Jenna,
this is a big night.
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26. And I've got
something big planned.
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27. Tonight during
the finalists' duet,
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28. I'm gonna cry.
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29. Now, of course, none of these
little condom accidents
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30. could actually make me cry,
so I'm gonna rub this
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31. under my eyes
to help me fake it.
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32. It's an old acting trick
I learned
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33. from Glenn Beck's
prostitute.
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34. Well,
mark my words, Jenna,
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35. tonight is going to
be the greatest.
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36. Disaster
in the history of television.
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37. The young contestants apparently
inebriated on live TV.
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38. I gotta throw up.
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39. What happened?
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40. Why haven't you been
returning my calls?
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41. Because my phone
melted last night, Lemon.
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42. Come here, Jack.
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43. That was my angriest hug, 'cause
that's how I feel right now.
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44. Instead of heading
back to Philadelphia,
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45. I'm going down
to deal with the FCC.
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46. The Federal
Clown Commission.
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47. I hope that comes off
as respectful.
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48. My father was a clown,
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49. and I know how hard
those men work.
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50. I'm going to
get to the bottom
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51. of what happened
last night, sir.
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52. I've already detained Brock
and Ava under the patriot act.
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53. People have forgotten
about that thing,
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54. but any white male
can arrest any other person.
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55. Hello, peers.
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56. Sure has been
a busy morning
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57. down in
the Standards department.
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58. Because of last night's
cluster-whoops,
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59. Darren was fired.
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60. Then he threatened
to come back with a gun.
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61. Then I got a promotion,
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62. and the desk
closest to the door.
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63. Here are my new
business cards.
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64. Late night programming?
So you're covering TGS now?
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65. And a wonderful
new show from D.L. Hughley
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66. that's already
been canceled!
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67. I feel like
Oscar the grouch today,
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68. and not just
'cause I woke up
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69. in a garbage can
this morning,
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70. startling someone
named Gordon.
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71. What's wrong, Tracy?
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72. I can't eat
for 24 hours
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73. 'cause I have
a colonoscopy tomorrow.
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74. I'm starving!
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75. You know, fasting
can actually clear your mind.
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76. In college, I once
went on a hunger strike
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77. to protest apartheid...
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78. You're the one who solved that?
Thank you so much.
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79. 1997 Heather Locklear,
what are you doing here?
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80. What? Jenna!
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81. Save it, Liz.
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82. Yes, I was disappointed that
I didn't get to do my fake cry,
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83. but I do have a plan B.
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84. The whole point of the cry
was to humanize me,
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85. to change
public perception,
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86. but what else
humanizes a monster?
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87. Motherhood.
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88. God. Don't adopt.
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89. That child
is better off in Somalia.
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90. It could be a pirate,
or a warlord's concubine.
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91. This is better
than adopting.
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92. Remember my little moneymaking
scheme back in Chicago?
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93. Cashing your dead aunt's
social security checks?
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94. No,
I'm still doing that.
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95. I'm talking about
when I donated my eggs.
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96. So, a couple of months ago,
I called
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97. the calumet city egg donation
center and house of blues
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98. to see if there were
any little Jennas out there
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99. who wanted to meet me.
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100. Hang on, are you saying
you have a kid?
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101. No, I don't.
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102. I have six kids.
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103. Jerome, share the bronzer,
you slut.
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104. Dear God.
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105. 30 ROCK
S06 Ep 11 - Standards and Practices
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106. I'm a very
powerful man, Brock.
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107. Little league tryouts
are coming soon.
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108. How would you like
to wind up on a team with...
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109. None of your friends?
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110. It was her idea!
She made me do it!
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111. Brock just
sold you out, Ava.
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112. What are you
doing to Molly?
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113. She already had to
live through world war ii.
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114. Brock said it was
all your idea.
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115. No, it was her idea.
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116. She's just so cool.
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117. Like a human silly band!
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118. Who?
Who's a human silly band?
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119. I'm tall enough now
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120. that there isn't
a roller coaster in the world
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121. I can't go on.
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122. So...
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123. You guys drink beer.
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124. Or are you babies?
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125. Jack versus Kaylie,
round two,
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126. colon...
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127. No subtitle necessary.
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128. Mommy announcement.
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129. I hope we're all waxed,
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130. because you're coming with me
to my interview tonight
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131. for Barbara Walters'
10 most overexposed people.
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132. Barbara Walters!
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133. Okay, so, let me just quickly
identify everyone's good sides.
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134. Left, left, right,
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135. right, left...
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136. Judy. That's not really
on message.
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137. Look, I didn't
call the donation center
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138. to be on TV, Jenna.
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139. I wanted to go get a cup
of coffee and get to know you.
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140. If you want
to get to know me,
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141. read my 2006 interview
in AmTrak magazine.
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142. If you want to be my daughter,
put on this wig and smile.
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143. There you are, liierz.
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144. Boy, I am still not comfortable
calling you by your first name.
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145. Then again,
you've never been comfortable
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146. calling me by my
full Christian name.
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147. Kenneth.
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148. No, "Kenneth" is short
for andromakennethamblesorton.
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149. So, what's up?
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150. Wait, what is this?
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151. "Additional restrictions
to broadcast standards"?
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152. Yes.
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153. People are pretty upset
about last night.
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154. How can we do "Fart doctor"
without the word "fart"?
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155. I'm surprised
they allow you to say "doctor."
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156. It's so close to "gynecologist"
which is disgusting.
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157. Have you seen this memo
from Standards?
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158. Kenneth is being a real...
dingbat,
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159. which is now the harshest word
we are allowed to say.
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160. You can blame that
on Kaylie Hooper.
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161. She's the one
who ruined the Kidz finale.
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162. Really? What a... dingbat.
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163. Why didn't
I see this coming?
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164. I knew this company
was making me lose my edge.
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165. That's why I hired a Cato
to attack me at random.
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166. Like inspector clouseau.
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167. Cato?
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168. Don't attack me
tonight, okay?
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169. I know I told you that
when I say, "don't attack me,"
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170. that's when I most
need you to attack me,
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171. but I'm serious.
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172. Cato?
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173. Excellent, Cato,
excellent!
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174. Did Kaylie really think
I wouldn't figure this out?
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175. No, she knew I would.
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176. So, she's going to
be ready for me.
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177. Good.
I like a fair fight.
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178. Okay, she is
just a teenage girl.
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179. Lemon, you know very well
that a Nemesis can be anyone...
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180. Or anything.
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181. Autocorrect.
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182. I was trying to say
"pen organizer."
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183. God!
You're a winter!
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184. I don't know
what that means.
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185. Why are there only six chairs
out there? There's seven of us.
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186. No. One of us will
have to sit out the interview.
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187. I'm just gonna choose at random
who it's gonna be.
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188. Eenie-meenie-miney-moe,
out goes ♪ y-o-u
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189. - I'm sorry, Judy.
- Bye, Judy.
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190. Could've just gotten
another chair.
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191. Who is it?
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192. Sweetie, it's Pop-Pop.
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193. I came back from D.C. early,
and I lost my darn key.
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194. What a world.
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195. Surprise.
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196. I'm very good at voices, Kaylie.
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197. I'm very good.
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198. I know what you did.
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199. And you had to assume
I'd break Brock and Ava,
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200. so, you're ready for this,
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201. but here's what
you weren't counting on...
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202. This has nothing
to do with you!
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203. I just had to get
Pop-Pop out of town
Copy !req
204. because I am
in so much trouble!
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205. Henry and his friends had to go
to the King of Prussia mall
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206. last Thursday night
'cause it was a half day,
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207. and I couldn't go
'cause I had piano,
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208. and my friend Vickie,
well,
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209. she said she got grounded
'cause she went
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210. to some highlighter party
with Dylan
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211. while his parents
were out of town.
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212. Okay, hang on.
Calm down.
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213. And then fat Vickie
saw her there,
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214. so I called her,
and Henry answered her phone
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215. because he had
Vickie's phone!
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216. Wait, which Vickie?
Fat Vickie?
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217. Vickie P.
Are you even listening to me?
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218. - Okay.
- God!
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219. Vickie used to be
my best friend.
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220. I had her youface password,
so I logged onto her account,
Copy !req
221. and posted
all these photos
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222. with "I am a slut"
written on her forehead,
Copy !req
223. and then school found out,
so now my life is over!
Copy !req
224. Please!
Copy !req
225. What does this have to do
with sabotaging me?
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226. This has nothing
to do with you!
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227. I messed up the show
to make sure
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228. Pop-Pop wouldn't come back
to Philadelphia with me,
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229. 'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying
to kick me out of school,
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230. and if Pop-Pop comes
to the teacher conference,
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231. well, then,
he'll let them expel me,
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232. and I'll have to go to some
school in the middle of nowhere,
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233. and then I might as well
be dead!
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234. Wait, where are
your parents?
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235. Who knows?
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236. My mom is in Indonesia
visiting her charity
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237. where poor children
make shoes.
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238. Isn't that
just a sweat shop?
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239. I know!
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240. And then my dad put
a Porsche engine in a model T
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241. and drove it to Mardi Gras!
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242. I know what it's like
not to have your parents around.
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243. I once took
a log with googly eyes
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244. to a father-son picnic.
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245. But, uh,
who's going to take you
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246. to this parent-teacher
conference?
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247. I don't know.
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248. I have nobody!
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249. I wanna die!
Copy !req
250. Do you have a second,
Kenneth?
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251. No, there's only one of me.
What? What are you asking?
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252. Look, we have
a show tonight.
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253. You can't just take away
all these words
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254. we've been using
for the past six years.
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255. That reminds me.
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256. You can't say "using" on TV.
It implies drug use.
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257. We're saying
whatever we want.
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258. No, you can't.
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259. That's an order.
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260. I stole that speech
from an episode JAG,
Copy !req
261. but it applies here.
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262. Are you kidding me?
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263. Last week you were a page,
Copy !req
264. now you're telling me
how to run my show?
Copy !req
265. Well, I am arguing
back at you.
Copy !req
266. I have enough crap to deal
with around here, Kenneth...
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267. I'm interrupting you
'cause I'm good at arguing!
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268. I don't need you
to make my life worse.
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269. I am responding,
I am matching your tone,
Copy !req
270. and making my own point.
Copy !req
271. You know what, Kenneth?
Fine. You win.
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272. But as we saw
the other night on Kidz,
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273. anything can happen
on live TV.
Copy !req
274. - Right, Tracy?
- What?
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275. I'm just saying, Tray,
Copy !req
276. you're very unpredictable.
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277. And we'll write
clean sketches,
Copy !req
278. but you might
just do your stand-up act.
Copy !req
279. - Who knows?
- Okay.
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280. I'm still fasting
because I misread my calendar.
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281. Tomorrow
is my colonoscopy.
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282. Today was my meeting
with Colin o'Scopy.
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283. Therefore, I have no idea
Copy !req
284. what you're saying,
talking Turkey leg.
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285. Were you
a difficult teenager?
Copy !req
286. Well, I was voted
head of the PTA, so no.
Copy !req
287. I'm accustomed to dealing
with difficult people, Lemon,
Copy !req
288. but teenage girls, ugh...
Copy !req
289. Are a puzzle.
Copy !req
290. Yes, how was your meeting
with your Nemesis?
Copy !req
291. I volunteered
to accompany Kaylie
Copy !req
292. to a parent-teacher conference
at her school.
Copy !req
293. - What? Why?
- It's complicated.
Copy !req
294. The point is, and I never
thought I'd say this,
Copy !req
295. I actually feel badly
for Kaylie.
Copy !req
296. On the other hand,
I know full well
Copy !req
297. that this is
an opportunity to destroy her.
Copy !req
298. I could get her expelled,
Copy !req
299. sent off to some
second-rate boarding school,
Copy !req
300. then on to that last bastion
of the incompetent rich,
Copy !req
301. USC.
Copy !req
302. I don't know, Jack,
you should stay out of this.
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303. No, I could
help this girl.
Copy !req
304. Or destroy this monster.
Copy !req
305. If I could just tell whether
she's vicious or vulnerable.
Copy !req
306. That's the problem.
She's a teenage girl.
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307. She's vicious
and vulnerable.
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308. She might be
completely lying,
Copy !req
309. like when I was 15
and told everyone at my school
Copy !req
310. that I'd already
gotten my period,
Copy !req
311. or she could be
in real trouble,
Copy !req
312. like when I was 17,
and finally got my period
Copy !req
313. at a very loosely supervised
petting zoo.
Copy !req
314. Once again, Lemon,
I leave your office
Copy !req
315. more confused
than when I entered,
Copy !req
316. but having glimpsed yet another
tile in the rich mosaic
Copy !req
317. that is your
menstrual history.
Copy !req
318. So bravo wants to do
a reality show about us,
Copy !req
319. and I thought
the opening credits
Copy !req
320. could be all of us
in a giant dog bed,
Copy !req
321. and you guys are suckling
Copy !req
322. on prosthetic dog teats
that I'm wearing.
Copy !req
323. Actually,
we had a different idea.
Copy !req
324. Now that Judy's gone,
Copy !req
325. it's kind of obvious
someone is the odd person out.
Copy !req
326. It's Jerome, right?
Copy !req
327. I didn't want
to say anything
Copy !req
328. 'cause I was trying
to be a good mother,
Copy !req
329. but you're cheesy,
and everyone hates you.
Copy !req
330. No, Jenna, you.
Copy !req
331. You're so much older
than the rest of us,
Copy !req
332. so we're thinking
the show is more like
Copy !req
333. The girls next door,
Copy !req
334. and you're that old boat captain
that shows up sometimes.
Copy !req
335. That's Hugh Hefner,
Jessica.
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336. Yeah, we have no idea
who that is,
Copy !req
337. so you're kind of
just proving our point.
Copy !req
338. I see.
Copy !req
339. Very well.
Copy !req
340. Looking for this?
Copy !req
341. Well played.
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342. Dude, what's up?
Copy !req
343. I'm just having
a bad day, sir.
Copy !req
344. All right, bro-bro,
let's just be cool,
Copy !req
345. and sit down and pee in silence,
like dudes do.
Copy !req
346. It's just...
I started a new job,
Copy !req
347. and it's stressful enough
Copy !req
348. just having my own wastebasket
that I have to fill every day
Copy !req
349. without Liz Lemon
yelling at me,
Copy !req
350. and I just wish
I had never been born!
Copy !req
351. 'Cause if I can't even
get my friend Liz...
Copy !req
352. At least I thought
she was my friend...
Copy !req
353. To respect me,
how will I ever run a network
Copy !req
354. and boss around
those Jewish executives
Copy !req
355. that were trained
from birth to argue?
Copy !req
356. So, I should just
give Liz what she wants,
Copy !req
357. and quit.
Copy !req
358. Bro...
Copy !req
359. You should just smack
that Liz in the mouth.
Copy !req
360. Sorry I babbled
so much.
Copy !req
361. Thanks for listening.
Copy !req
362. I'm Kenneth, by the way.
Copy !req
363. Me too. I'm Kenneth.
Copy !req
364. Kenneth... uh...
Copy !req
365. Toilethole.
Copy !req
366. I'm so sorry Dr. Melvoin.
Copy !req
367. You know, I already apologized
to Vickie, and to fat Vickie.
Copy !req
368. Fat Vickie's parents
were very upset
Copy !req
369. that she was dragged
into this mess.
Copy !req
370. I know.
I know what I did was stupid,
Copy !req
371. and I've really learned
my lesson.
Copy !req
372. Look, if I could
go back in time,
Copy !req
373. I'd just...
I'd skip clarinet,
Copy !req
374. and I'd go to the spring
football with my friends,
Copy !req
375. and none of this
ever would've happened.
Copy !req
376. Or you simply could have
not posted those pictures.
Copy !req
377. On hot Vickie's
youface page, miss Hooper.
Copy !req
378. Hold on, Melvoin.
Copy !req
379. You told me
it was the piano,
Copy !req
380. and that everyone went
to the King of Prussia mall.
Copy !req
381. Well...
Copy !req
382. I don't remember.
Copy !req
383. And I'm just
so emotional right now.
Copy !req
384. I'm sorry, how are you
related to miss Hooper?
Copy !req
385. I'm her Nemesis.
Copy !req
386. You bastard.
Copy !req
387. Don't do this, Donaghy.
Copy !req
388. I think that this school
Copy !req
389. has done everything it can
for Kaylie,
Copy !req
390. but the only fitting
punishment...
Copy !req
391. Is expulsion.
Copy !req
392. It's days like this
that remind me
Copy !req
393. why I got into teaching
in the first place.
Copy !req
394. Kenneth,
we need to talk.
Copy !req
395. I don't know,
'cause someone
Copy !req
396. who actually cares
about my feelings
Copy !req
397. told me to smack you
in the mouth.
Copy !req
398. No, don't listen
to Kenneth Toilethole.
Copy !req
399. - You know him?
- Yeah. He's great.
Copy !req
400. We should all go
get dinner sometime.
Copy !req
401. Kenneth,
you can do this job,
Copy !req
402. and I do respect you.
Copy !req
403. Then wash my feet
with your hair.
Copy !req
404. No! But I did completely
rewrite the show.
Copy !req
405. We're not even using
the word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell.
Copy !req
406. A Parcell man
has never been called "mister"
Copy !req
407. outside of
an execution chamber.
Copy !req
408. Boy.
Copy !req
409. The blonde ones,
they turned on me.
Copy !req
410. They threw me away like
I was some kind of Judy.
Copy !req
411. Oh, God.
Is this how Judy felt?
Copy !req
412. Judy was nice and sweet
Copy !req
413. and wanted to get
a coffee enema or something,
Copy !req
414. and I treated her
like garbage.
Copy !req
415. Well, then why don't you
apologize to her?
Copy !req
416. She's right behind you.
Copy !req
417. Judy,
you're so beautiful now!
Copy !req
418. I just came to say good-bye
before I head home.
Copy !req
419. I wish we had spent
more time together,
Copy !req
420. but I guess I'll see you
on TV.
Copy !req
421. No.
Of all my children,
Copy !req
422. you're the only one
that proves
Copy !req
423. there's any good in me.
Copy !req
424. Forget TV.
Copy !req
425. Let's go get
that coffee now.
Copy !req
426. No. You know
you can't do that.
Copy !req
427. One minute to air.
One minute.
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428. I have to stop Jenna
from leaving. You just...
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429. No problem.
I'll cover.
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430. Day two of my fast,
and you were right.
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431. My mind is clear,
and I'm sharp as a tack.
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432. Great, Tray, thanks.
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433. My brain is working
overtime.
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434. I finally understand the ending
of The sixth sense.
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435. Those names are the people
who worked on the movie.
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436. Yeah, and I just got
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437. what you were trying
to tell me yesterday.
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438. You want me to do
my filthy stand-up act
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439. instead of reading
the cue cards.
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440. No.
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441. Jack! Help!
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442. I was right about Kaylie,
and I crushed her.
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443. That's great.
I need...
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444. The whole time,
she was playing me,
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445. but in the end, she made
the biggest mistake.
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446. She could not have been worse
in that meeting
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447. than if she had
wanted me to...
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448. Son of a dingbat!
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449. Tracy's gonna do
his stand-up act on the show!
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450. What are we gonna do?
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451. I'm gonna live bleep him.
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452. Normally, I'd have to get
permission from Irene first,
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453. but there isn't time.
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454. You know why I love
Dominican women?
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455. 'Cause they love to
those big
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456. 'Cause they eat all our
aloud.
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457. I'd like to introduce
housed in a
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458. , booooy!
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459. You just ate a
with extra?
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460. Well, you called
the right.
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461. That's our show
for tonight!
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462. See you next week!
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463. - That was amazing!
- It sure was.
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464. Kenneth,
I'm Gaylord Felcher.
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465. The head of Standards?
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466. I have never seen
bleeping like that,
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467. so guess what?
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468. I'm promoting you,
you little -face.
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469. All right, Felcher, you don't
have to talk like that.
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470. Well, who's gonna stop me?
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471. Who among you has the power
to censor the censor?
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472. What a surprise.
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473. Whatever are you doing here,
Kaylie Hooper?
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474. Enjoying my total lack
of adult supervision.
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475. I just had fruit roll-ups
for dinner...
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476. At a strip club.
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477. Do you wanted to get expelled
from school, didn't you?
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478. Look who figured it out.
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479. It only took you,
oh, I don't know,
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480. a million hours.
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481. You didn't lie to me
about getting sent to school
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482. in the "Middle of nowhere."
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483. What I realized too late is,
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484. you were talking
about Beekman Academy,
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485. right here in Manhattan,
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486. in the neighborhood
North of ware street,
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487. otherwise known as,
uh, "noware."
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488. Now I'll be able to be close
to my boyfriend Henry.
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489. Like hot Vickie could
ever steal him from me.
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490. He's going to NYU.
To study acting.
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491. If Pop-Pop had gone
to that meeting,
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492. he would have just
written a check
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493. and made it all go away.
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494. You needed somebody
to throw you under the bus.
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495. You needed a patsy.
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496. I, uh, couldn't
help but notice
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497. that lacrosse ball
in your backpack.
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498. Too bad I'm on the board of
the Central Park conservancy,
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499. so beekman won't have a field
to play on next year.
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500. Well, good, 'cause I planted
that lacrosse ball there
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501. to get back at a girl I hate
who plays lacrosse.
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502. Her name is Jack... ie.
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503. Jackie... officecouch.
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504. Damn you, Donaghy!
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505. Cato? Seriously,
not tonight.
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506. I mean it this time.
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507. Son of a dingbat!
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508. Sorry.
That phone call took forever.
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509. Where's Kenneth Toilethole?
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510. You just missed him.
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511. Again.
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512. He had to go
to the bathroom.
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513. You know what?
I'll go get him.
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514. No, don't!
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515. Every time one of you leaves,
the other one comes back.
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516. You know,
I'm starting to suspect
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517. that I have bad luck.
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518. Dude, bro, where's Liz?
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519. You didn't see her?
She just left.
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520. I gotta go feed the meter.
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