1. - Well, hello, Hank. So
good of you to come up.Copy !req
2. - Well, I'm not gonna missCopy !req
3. the america's kidz
got singing finale.Copy !req
4. Last time I was this
excited was this morning.Copy !req
5. I saw a cat wearing the
same sweater as its person.Copy !req
6. Jack, you remember
my granddaughter.Copy !req
7. - Oh, hi, Mr. Donaghy.Copy !req
8. - Kaylie.Copy !req
9. - There's Jenna Maroney!Copy !req
10. - So, Jack, how's your
wife? Still kidnapped?Copy !req
11. - How's the yearbook going?
I heard you made editor...Copy !req
12. Of the photo captions.Copy !req
13. Hey, pop-pop, wait up.Copy !req
14. Hey, pop-pop, wait up.Copy !req
15. - I'm so excited for the finale.Copy !req
16. Not that it matters,
even if Brock doesn't win,Copy !req
17. he is going to get
a record contract.Copy !req
18. So, it definitely
doesn't matter.Copy !req
19. This isn't the last we
will be seeing of Brock.Copy !req
20. - Well, whoever wins, it's a
great night for the industry.Copy !req
21. Kidz is a hit the whole
family can watch together,Copy !req
22. not your usual sitcom crap
full of gratuitous vulgarityCopy !req
23. and pratfalls.Copy !req
24. - Wah! Oh!Copy !req
25. Oh, my penis!Copy !req
26. - Jenna, this is a big night.Copy !req
27. - And I've got
something big planned.Copy !req
28. Tonight during
the finalists' duet,Copy !req
29. I'm gonna cry.Copy !req
30. Now, of course, none of
these little condom accidentsCopy !req
31. could actually make me
cry, so I'm gonna rub thisCopy !req
32. under my eyes
to help me fake it.Copy !req
33. It's an old acting
trick I learnedCopy !req
34. from Glenn Beck's prostitute.Copy !req
35. - Well, Mark my words, Jenna,Copy !req
36. tonight is going
to be the greatest.Copy !req
37. - Disaster in the
history of television.Copy !req
38. The young contestants
apparently inebriated on live TV.Copy !req
39. - ♪ Oh, shushanna... ♪Copy !req
40. - I gotta throw up.Copy !req
41. - What happened?Copy !req
42. Why haven't you been
returning my calls?Copy !req
43. - Because my phone
melted last night, Lemon.Copy !req
44. - Come here, Jack.Copy !req
45. Mm...Copy !req
46. That was my angriest hug,
'cause that's how I feel right now.Copy !req
47. Instead of heading
back to Philadelphia,Copy !req
48. I'm going down
to deal with the fcc.Copy !req
49. The federal clown commission.Copy !req
50. I hope that comes
off as respectful.Copy !req
51. My father was a clown,Copy !req
52. and I know how
hard those men work.Copy !req
53. - I'm going to get to the bottomCopy !req
54. of what happened
last night, sir.Copy !req
55. I've already detained Brock
and Ava under the patriot act.Copy !req
56. People have forgotten
about that thing,Copy !req
57. but any white male can
arrest any other person.Copy !req
58. Hello, peers.Copy !req
59. Sure has been a busy morningCopy !req
60. down in the
standards department.Copy !req
61. Because of last
night's cluster-whoops,Copy !req
62. Darren was fired.Copy !req
63. Then he threatened to
come back with a gun.Copy !req
64. Then I got a promotion,Copy !req
65. and the desk
closest to the door.Copy !req
66. Here are my new business cards.Copy !req
67. - Late night programming?
So you're covering TGS now?Copy !req
68. - And a wonderful new
show from D.L. HughleyCopy !req
69. that's already been canceled!Copy !req
70. - I feel like Oscar
the grouch today,Copy !req
71. and not just 'cause I woke upCopy !req
72. in a garbage can this morning,Copy !req
73. startling someone named Gordon.Copy !req
74. - What's wrong, Tracy?Copy !req
75. - I can't eat for 24 hoursCopy !req
76. 'cause I have a
colonoscopy tomorrow.Copy !req
77. I'm starving!Copy !req
78. - You know, fasting can
actually clear your mind.Copy !req
79. In college, I once
went on a hunger strikeCopy !req
80. to protest apartheid...
- Oh.Copy !req
81. You're the one who solved
that? Thank you so much.Copy !req
82. - 1997 Heather Locklear,
what are you doing here?Copy !req
83. What? Jenna!Copy !req
84. - Save it, Liz.Copy !req
85. Yes, I was disappointed that
I didn't get to do my fake cry,Copy !req
86. but I do have a plan b.Copy !req
87. The whole point of the
cry was to humanize me,Copy !req
88. to change public perception,Copy !req
89. but what else
humanizes a monster?Copy !req
90. Motherhood.Copy !req
91. - Oh, god. Don't adopt.Copy !req
92. That child is better
off in Somalia.Copy !req
93. It could be a pirate, or
a warlord's concubine.Copy !req
94. - This is better than adopting.Copy !req
95. Remember my little moneymaking
scheme back in Chicago?Copy !req
96. - Cashing your dead aunt's
social security checks?Copy !req
97. - Oh, no, I'm still doing that.Copy !req
98. I'm talking about when
I donated my eggs.Copy !req
99. So, a couple of
months ago, I calledCopy !req
100. the calumet city egg donation
center and house of bluesCopy !req
101. to see if there were any
little Jennas out thereCopy !req
102. who wanted to meet me.Copy !req
103. - Hang on, are you
saying you have a kid?Copy !req
104. - No, I don't.Copy !req
105. - Oh.Copy !req
106. - I have six kids.Copy !req
107. - Jerome, share
the bronzer, you slut.Copy !req
108. - Dear god.Copy !req
109. ♪ ♪Copy !req
110. - I'm a very
powerful man, Brock.Copy !req
111. Little league tryouts
are coming soon.Copy !req
112. How would you like to
wind up on a team with...Copy !req
113. None of your friends?Copy !req
114. - It was her idea!
She made me do it!Copy !req
115. - Brock just sold you out, Ava.Copy !req
116. - What are you doing to Molly?Copy !req
117. She already had to
live through world war ll.Copy !req
118. - Brock said it
was all your idea.Copy !req
119. - No, it was her idea.Copy !req
120. She's just so cool.Copy !req
121. Like a human silly band!Copy !req
122. - Who? Who's a human silly band?Copy !req
123. - I'm tall enough nowCopy !req
124. that there isn't a roller
coaster in the worldCopy !req
125. I can't go on.Copy !req
126. - Wow.
- So...Copy !req
127. You guys drink beer.Copy !req
128. Or are you babies?Copy !req
129. - Jack versus Kaylie, round two,Copy !req
130. colon...Copy !req
131. No subtitle necessary.Copy !req
132. Mommy announcement.Copy !req
133. I hope we're all waxed,Copy !req
134. because you're coming with
me to my interview tonightCopy !req
135. for Barbara Walters' 10
most overexposed people.Copy !req
136. Oh! Barbara Walters!Copy !req
137. - Okay, so, let me just quickly
identify everyone's good sides.Copy !req
138. Left, left, right,Copy !req
139. right, left...Copy !req
140. Oh, Judy. That's not
really on message.Copy !req
141. - Look, I didn't call
the donation centerCopy !req
142. to be on TV, Jenna.Copy !req
143. I wanted to go get a cup of
coffee and get to know you.Copy !req
144. - If you want to get to know me,Copy !req
145. read my 2006 interview
in amtrak magazine.Copy !req
146. If you want to be my daughter,
put on this wig and smile.Copy !req
147. Oh, there you are, Liierz.Copy !req
148. Boy, I am still not comfortable
calling you by your first name.Copy !req
149. Then again, you've
never been comfortableCopy !req
150. calling me by my
full Christian name.Copy !req
151. - Kenneth.Copy !req
152. - Oh, no, "Kenneth" is short
for andromakennethamblesorton.Copy !req
153. - So, what's up?
- Oh.Copy !req
154. - Wait, what is this?Copy !req
155. "Additional restrictions
to broadcast standards"?Copy !req
156. - Yes.Copy !req
157. People are pretty
upset about last night.Copy !req
158. - How can we do "fart
doctor" without the word "fart"?Copy !req
159. - I'm surprised they
allow you to say "doctor."Copy !req
160. It's so close to "gynecologist,"
which is disgusting.Copy !req
161. - Have you seen this
memo from standards?Copy !req
162. Kenneth is being a real...Copy !req
163. Dingbat.Copy !req
164. Which is now the harshest
word we are allowed to say.Copy !req
165. - Oh, you can blame
that on Kaylie Hooper.Copy !req
166. She's the one who
ruined the kidz finale.Copy !req
167. - Really? What a... Dingbat.Copy !req
168. - Why didn't I see this coming?Copy !req
169. I knew this company was
making me lose my edge.Copy !req
170. That's why I hired a cato
to attack me at random.Copy !req
171. Like Inspector Clouseau.Copy !req
172. Cato?Copy !req
173. Don't attack me tonight, okay?Copy !req
174. I know I told you that when
I say, "don't attack me,"Copy !req
175. that's when I most
need you to attack me,Copy !req
176. but I'm serious.Copy !req
177. Cato?Copy !req
178. Aah!Copy !req
179. Excellent, cato, excellent!Copy !req
180. Did Kaylie really think I
wouldn't figure this out?Copy !req
181. No, she knew I would.Copy !req
182. So, she's going
to be ready for me.Copy !req
183. Good. I like a fair fight.Copy !req
184. - Okay, she is
just a teenage girl.Copy !req
185. - Lemon, you know very well
that a Nemesis can be anyone...Copy !req
186. Or anything.Copy !req
187. Autocorrect.Copy !req
188. I was trying to say
"pen organizer."Copy !req
189. - Oh, god. You're a winter.Copy !req
190. - I don't know what that means.Copy !req
191. Why are there only six chairs
out there? There's seven of us.Copy !req
192. - Oh, no. One of us will
have to sit out the interview.Copy !req
193. I'm just gonna choose at
random who it's gonna be.Copy !req
194. Eenie-meenie-miney-moe,
out goes ♪ y-o-u ♪Copy !req
195. - I'm sorry, Judy.
- Bye, Judy.Copy !req
196. All:Copy !req
197. - Could've just
gotten another chair.Copy !req
198. - Who is it?Copy !req
199. - Sweetie, it's pop-pop.Copy !req
200. I came back from D.C.
early, and I lost my darn key.Copy !req
201. What a world.Copy !req
202. Surprise.Copy !req
203. I'm very good at voices, Kaylie.Copy !req
204. I'm very good.Copy !req
205. I know what you did.Copy !req
206. And you had to assume
I'd break Brock and Ava,Copy !req
207. so, you're ready for this,Copy !req
208. but here's what you
weren't counting on...Copy !req
209. - This has nothing
to do with you!Copy !req
210. I just had to get
pop-pop out of townCopy !req
211. because I am in so much trouble!Copy !req
212. Henry and his friends had to
go to the King of prussia mallCopy !req
213. last Thursday night
'cause it was a half day,Copy !req
214. and I couldn't go
'cause I had piano,Copy !req
215. and my friend vickie, well,Copy !req
216. she said she got
grounded 'cause she wentCopy !req
217. to some highlighter
party with DylanCopy !req
218. while his parents
were out of town.Copy !req
219. - Whoa, okay,
hang on. Calm down.Copy !req
220. - And then fat
vickie saw her there,Copy !req
221. so I called her, and
Henry answered her phoneCopy !req
222. because he had vickie's phone!Copy !req
223. - Wait, which
vickie? Fat vickie?Copy !req
224. - Vickie p. Are you
even listening to me?Copy !req
225. - Okay.
- God!Copy !req
226. Vickie used to
be my best friend.Copy !req
227. I had her YouFace password,
so I logged onto her account,Copy !req
228. and posted all these photosCopy !req
229. with "I am a slut"
written on her forehead,Copy !req
230. and then school found
out, so now my life is over!Copy !req
231. - Please!Copy !req
232. What does this have to
do with sabotaging me?Copy !req
233. - This has nothing
to do with you!Copy !req
234. I messed up the
show to make sureCopy !req
235. pop-pop wouldn't come
back to Philadelphia with me,Copy !req
236. 'cause Dr. Melvoin is trying
to kick me out of school,Copy !req
237. and if pop-pop comes
to the teacher conference,Copy !req
238. well, then, he'll
let them expel me,Copy !req
239. and I'll have to go to some
school in the middle of nowhere,Copy !req
240. and then I might
as well be dead!Copy !req
241. - Wait, where are your parents?Copy !req
242. - Who knows?Copy !req
243. My mom is in Indonesia
visiting her charityCopy !req
244. where poor children make shoes.Copy !req
245. - Isn't that just a sweat shop?Copy !req
246. - I know!Copy !req
247. And then my dad put a
Porsche engine in a model tCopy !req
248. and drove it to Mardi Gras!Copy !req
249. - I know what it's like not
to have your parents around.Copy !req
250. I once took a log
with googly eyesCopy !req
251. to a father-son picnic.Copy !req
252. But, uh, who's going to take youCopy !req
253. to this parent-teacher
conference?Copy !req
254. - I don't know.Copy !req
255. I have nobody!Copy !req
256. I wanna die!Copy !req
257. - Do you have a second, Kenneth?Copy !req
258. - No, there's only one of me.
What? What are you asking?Copy !req
259. - Look, we have a show tonight.Copy !req
260. You can't just take
away all these wordsCopy !req
261. we've been using
for the past six years.Copy !req
262. - Oh, that reminds me.Copy !req
263. You can't say "using"
on TV. It implies drug use.Copy !req
264. - We're saying whatever we want.Copy !req
265. - No, you can't.Copy !req
266. That's an order.Copy !req
267. I stole that speech
from an episode of jag,Copy !req
268. but it applies here.Copy !req
269. - Are you kidding me?Copy !req
270. Last week you were a page,Copy !req
271. now you're telling me
how to run my show?Copy !req
272. - Well, I am
arguing back at you.Copy !req
273. - I have enough crap to deal
with around here, Kenneth...Copy !req
274. - I'm interrupting you
'cause I'm good at arguing!Copy !req
275. - I don't need you to
make my life worse.Copy !req
276. - I am responding, I
am matching your tone,Copy !req
277. and making my own point.Copy !req
278. - You know what,
Kenneth? Fine. You win.Copy !req
279. But as we saw the
other night on kidz,Copy !req
280. anything can happen on live TV.Copy !req
281. Right, Tracy?
- What?Copy !req
282. - I'm just saying, tray,Copy !req
283. you're very unpredictable.Copy !req
284. And we'll write clean sketches,Copy !req
285. but you might just
do your stand-up act.Copy !req
286. Who knows?
- Okay.Copy !req
287. I'm still fasting because
I misread my calendar.Copy !req
288. Tomorrow is my colonoscopy.Copy !req
289. Today was my meeting
with Colin o'scopy.Copy !req
290. Therefore, I have no ideaCopy !req
291. what you're saying,
talking Turkey leg.Copy !req
292. - Were you a difficult teenager?Copy !req
293. - Well, I was voted
head of the pta, so no.Copy !req
294. - I'm accustomed to dealing
with difficult people, Lemon,Copy !req
295. but teenage girls, ugh...Copy !req
296. Are a puzzle.Copy !req
297. - Oh, yes, how was your
meeting with your Nemesis?Copy !req
298. - I volunteered to
accompany KaylieCopy !req
299. to a parent-teacher
conference at her school.Copy !req
300. - What? Why?
- It's complicated.Copy !req
301. The point is, and I
never thought I'd say this,Copy !req
302. I actually feel
badly for Kaylie.Copy !req
303. On the other hand,
I know full wellCopy !req
304. that this is an
opportunity to destroy her.Copy !req
305. I could get her expelled,Copy !req
306. sent off to some
second-rate boarding school,Copy !req
307. then on to that last bastion
of the incompetent rich,Copy !req
308. usc.Copy !req
309. - I don't know, Jack, you
should stay out of this.Copy !req
310. - No, I could help this girl.Copy !req
311. Or destroy this monster.Copy !req
312. If I could just tell whether
she's vicious or vulnerable.Copy !req
313. - That's the problem.
She's a teenage girl.Copy !req
314. She's vicious and vulnerable.Copy !req
315. She might be completely lying,Copy !req
316. like when I was 15 and
told everyone at my schoolCopy !req
317. that I'd already
gotten my period,Copy !req
318. or she could be in real trouble,Copy !req
319. like when I was 17,
and finally got my periodCopy !req
320. at a very loosely
supervised petting zoo.Copy !req
321. - Once again, Lemon,
I leave your officeCopy !req
322. more confused
than when I entered,Copy !req
323. but having glimpsed yet
another tile in the rich mosaicCopy !req
324. that is your menstrual history.Copy !req
325. - So bravo wants to do
a reality show about us,Copy !req
326. and I thought the
opening creditsCopy !req
327. could be all of us
in a giant dog bed,Copy !req
328. and you guys are sucklingCopy !req
329. on prosthetic dog
teats that I'm wearing.Copy !req
330. - Actually, we had
a different idea.Copy !req
331. Now that Judy's gone,Copy !req
332. it's kind of obvious someone
is the odd person out.Copy !req
333. - It's Jerome, right?Copy !req
334. I didn't want to say anythingCopy !req
335. 'cause I was trying
to be a good mother,Copy !req
336. but you're cheesy,
and everyone hates you.Copy !req
337. - No, Jenna, you.Copy !req
338. - You're so much
older than the rest of us,Copy !req
339. so we're thinking
the show is more likeCopy !req
340. the girls next door,Copy !req
341. and you're that old boat
captain that shows up sometimes.Copy !req
342. - That's Hugh Hefner, Jessica.Copy !req
343. - Yeah, we have
no idea who that is,Copy !req
344. so you're kind of
just proving our point.Copy !req
345. - I see.Copy !req
346. Very well.Copy !req
347. - Looking for this?Copy !req
348. - Well played.Copy !req
349. - Oh...Copy !req
350. - Dude, what's up?Copy !req
351. - I'm just having
a bad day, sir.Copy !req
352. - All right, bro-bro,
let's just be cool,Copy !req
353. and sit down and pee
in silence, like dudes do.Copy !req
354. - It's just... I
started a new job,Copy !req
355. and it's stressful enoughCopy !req
356. just having my own waste
basket that I have to fill every dayCopy !req
357. without Liz Lemon yelling at me,Copy !req
358. and I just wish I
had never been born!Copy !req
359. 'Cause if I can't even
get my friend Liz...Copy !req
360. At least I thought
she was my friend...Copy !req
361. To respect me, how
will I ever run a networkCopy !req
362. and boss around
those Jewish executivesCopy !req
363. that were trained
from birth to argue?Copy !req
364. So, I should just give
Liz what she wants,Copy !req
365. and quit.Copy !req
366. Bro...Copy !req
367. You should just smack
that Liz in the mouth.Copy !req
368. - Sorry I babbled so much.Copy !req
369. Thanks for listening.Copy !req
370. I'm Kenneth, by the way.Copy !req
371. - Me too. I'm Kenneth.Copy !req
372. Kenneth... uh...Copy !req
373. Toilethole.Copy !req
374. - I'm so sorry, Dr. Melvoin.Copy !req
375. You know, I already apologized
to vickie, and to fat vickie.Copy !req
376. - Fat vickie's parents
were very upsetCopy !req
377. that she was
dragged into this mess.Copy !req
378. - I know. I know
what I did was stupid,Copy !req
379. and I've really
learned my lesson.Copy !req
380. Look, if I could
go back in time,Copy !req
381. I'd just... I'd skip clarinet,Copy !req
382. and I'd go to the spring
football with my friends,Copy !req
383. and none of this ever
would've happened.Copy !req
384. - Or you simply could have
not posted those pictures.Copy !req
385. On hot vickie's YouFace
page, miss Hooper.Copy !req
386. - Uh, hold on, Melvoin.Copy !req
387. You told me it was the piano,Copy !req
388. and that everyone went
to the King of prussia mall.Copy !req
389. - Well...Copy !req
390. I don't remember.Copy !req
391. And I'm just so
emotional right now.Copy !req
392. Ha!Copy !req
393. - I'm sorry, how are you
related to miss Hooper?Copy !req
394. - I'm her Nemesis.Copy !req
395. - You bastard.Copy !req
396. Don't do this, Donaghy.Copy !req
397. - I think that this schoolCopy !req
398. has done everything
it can for Kaylie,Copy !req
399. but the only fitting
punishment...Copy !req
400. Is expulsion.Copy !req
401. - It's days like
this that remind meCopy !req
402. why I got into teaching
in the first place.Copy !req
403. - Kenneth, we need to talk.Copy !req
404. - I don't know, 'cause someoneCopy !req
405. who actually cares
about my feelingsCopy !req
406. told me to smack
you in the mouth.Copy !req
407. - No, don't listen to
Kenneth toilethole.Copy !req
408. - You know him?
- Yeah. He's great.Copy !req
409. We should all go
get dinner sometime.Copy !req
410. Kenneth, you can do this job,Copy !req
411. and I do respect you.Copy !req
412. - Then wash my
feet with your hair.Copy !req
413. - No! But I did completely
rewrite the show.Copy !req
414. We're not even using the
word "dingbat," Mr. Parcell.Copy !req
415. - A Parcell man has
never been called "mister"Copy !req
416. outside of an execution chamber.Copy !req
417. - Oh, boy.Copy !req
418. The blonde ones,
they turned on me.Copy !req
419. They threw me away like
I was some kind of Judy.Copy !req
420. Oh, god. Is this how Judy felt?Copy !req
421. Judy was nice and sweetCopy !req
422. and wanted to get a
coffee enema or something,Copy !req
423. and I treated her like garbage.Copy !req
424. - Well, then why don't
you apologize to her?Copy !req
425. She's right behind you.Copy !req
426. - Oh.Copy !req
427. Judy, you're so beautiful now!Copy !req
428. Oh.Copy !req
429. - I just came to say
good-bye before I head home.Copy !req
430. I wish we had spent
more time together,Copy !req
431. but I guess I'll see you on TV.Copy !req
432. - No. Of all my children,Copy !req
433. you're the only one that provesCopy !req
434. there's any good in me.Copy !req
435. Forget TV.Copy !req
436. Let's go get that coffee now.Copy !req
437. - No. You know
you can't do that.Copy !req
438. - One minute. One minute to air.Copy !req
439. I have to stop Jenna
from leaving. You just...Copy !req
440. - no problem. I'll cover.Copy !req
441. Day two of my fast,
and you were right.Copy !req
442. My mind is clear, and
I'm sharp as a tack.Copy !req
443. - Great, tray, thanks.Copy !req
444. - My brain is working overtime.Copy !req
445. I finally understand the
ending of the sixth sense.Copy !req
446. Those names are the people
who worked on the movie.Copy !req
447. Oh, yeah, and I just gotCopy !req
448. what you were trying
to tell me yesterday.Copy !req
449. You want me to do
my filthy stand-up actCopy !req
450. instead of reading
the cue cards.Copy !req
451. - No.Copy !req
452. Jack! Help!Copy !req
453. - I was right about
Kaylie, and I crushed her.Copy !req
454. - That's great. I need...Copy !req
455. - the whole time,
she was playing me,Copy !req
456. but in the end, she
made the biggest mistake.Copy !req
457. She could not have
been worse in that meetingCopy !req
458. than if she had wanted me to...Copy !req
459. Son of a dingbat!Copy !req
460. - Tracy's gonna do his
stand-up act on the show!Copy !req
461. What are we gonna do?Copy !req
462. - I'm gonna live bleep him.Copy !req
463. Normally, I'd have to get
permission from Irene first,Copy !req
464. but there isn't time.Copy !req
465. - You know why I love
Dominican women?Copy !req
466. 'Cause they love to those bigCopy !req
467. 'Cause they eat all our aloud.Copy !req
468. I'd like to introduce
housed in aCopy !req
469. , booooy!Copy !req
470. You just ate a with extra?Copy !req
471. Well, you called the right.Copy !req
472. That's our show for tonight!Copy !req
473. See you next week!Copy !req
474. - That was amazing!
- It sure was.Copy !req
475. Kenneth, I'm Gaylord Felcher.Copy !req
476. - The head of standards?Copy !req
477. - I have never seen
bleeping like that,Copy !req
478. so guess what?Copy !req
479. I'm promoting
you, you little -face.Copy !req
480. - All right, Felcher, you
don't have to talk like that.Copy !req
481. - Well, who's gonna stop me?Copy !req
482. Who among you has the
power to censor the censor?Copy !req
483. - What a surprise.Copy !req
484. Whatever are you doing
here, Kaylie Hooper?Copy !req
485. - Enjoying my total
lack of adult supervision.Copy !req