1. Here you go, Earl.
Copy !req
2. Table 12 throwing down
a credit card on a patty melt.
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3. They really need
those eight airline miles?
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4. Where they going... New Jersey?
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5. Credit cards are the downfall of America.
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6. Well, credit cards and Kim Kardashian.
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7. I like her big ass
as much as the next man,
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8. but don't go give
the damn butt a franchise.
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9. Max, I can take a lot.
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10. Please keep your sex life to yourself.
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11. I handled it
when I lost my fortune,
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12. and I handled it
when I lost my fortune.
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13. You said that twice.
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14. Because I think it bears repeating.
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15. But this is too much.
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16. That couple that just left...
a $50 check, a $1.47 tip.
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17. 47 cents?
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18. Uh, I wasn't even aware they
were still making pennies.
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19. I smiled and bent over
backwards, giving them service...
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20. all for $1.47?
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21. This makes me the lowest-paid
hooker in New York.
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22. All right, give me that check.
I'll handle this.
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23. Hey!
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24. Was something wrong with the service
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25. my girl over here gave you?
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26. No. Tipping's an option.
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27. So is me spitting in your food.
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28. You might want to remember that
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29. the next time you leave
a waitress pennies.
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30. I'm sorry. I didn't know.
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31. This was our first
and last date.
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32. Sorry, dude.
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33. Looks like this little tip
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34. just lost you the chance
to give her your little tip.
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35. Max, come in, sit down.
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36. There's something
we have to talk about.
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37. This can't be about my drinking.
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38. I don't have the money
to be a real alcoholic.
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39. Can you sit in that chair, please?
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40. I never sit in that chair.
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41. Well, today we're doing things differently...
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42. And I went to Starbucks
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43. and got you a coffee
and a vanilla bear claw.
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44. A Bear Claw? Awesome!
I'll sit anywhere you want.
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45. My life is not where I want it to be.
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46. That $1.47 tip
was a wake-up call
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47. reminding me that life
will always undervalue you
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48. if you let it.
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49. Yes, I've been knocked down,
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50. but now it's time to fight back
and grab life by the balls.
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51. I don't know if life likes
having its balls grabbed.
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52. Some guys do, but those
are usually the ones
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53. who want you to spoon them.
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54. I'd like to explain
my vision for our future
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55. by walking you through...
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56. My vision board.
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57. - Oh, no.
- It's a simple tool.
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58. You're a simple tool.
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59. You start with a thin, white board...
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60. Your thin, white, and I'm bored.
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61. Keep going.
I can do this all day.
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62. I have a Bear Claw in me.
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63. I've been making
vision boards for years,
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64. and I always achieve my goals.
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65. And you think
it's that crazy little board
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66. and not your father's billions?
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67. - Max, it works.
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68. You put up pictures
and inspirational words
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69. of things you want in your life.
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70. See? I have success,
a cupcake business,
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71. and a picture
of a beautiful new bed.
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72. Ah, the ones at the Asylum
look different than that,
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73. so don't get attached.
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74. Sleeping on that couch
is holding me back.
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75. I never get
a restful night's sleep,
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76. and I need a good nine hours.
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77. What you need
is a good nine inches.
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78. That should be
on your vision board.
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79. It is... on the back.
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80. Nice.
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81. Now, unless you're willing
to switch the bedroom
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82. every other week...
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83. No, that sounds mormon.
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84. Then I want to install
a murphy bed in here.
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85. The bed folds up against
the wall during the day,
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86. so you'd still maintain
your signature Williamsburg
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87. "I don't care about anything
chic or nice" decor.
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88. Who's going to build it?
'Cause it's not me.
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89. I'm already
being taken advantage of
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90. at my babysitting job.
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91. Peach has me lugging things
back and forth
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92. to help with the twins'
first birthday party.
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93. I've been sorting through
clown resumes for a week.
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94. Peach is throwing a birthday party?
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95. Did you ask her
if we can cater the desserts?
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96. She hires fancy people
with real companies.
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97. We're not a real business.
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98. See? This is what I'm talking about.
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99. You mock the vision board, but look...
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100. here it is, our cupcake shop.
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101. I don't think we can both
fit in there.
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102. Max, you have to start imagining
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103. what our life can be.
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104. You deserve a cupcake shop,
and I deserve a new bed.
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105. All you have to do is dream it.
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106. No, all you have to do is do it.
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107. And for you to build
a Murphy bed,
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108. it'll take a miracle.
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109. So unless you have Jesus
or Jesus
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110. on that board...
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111. Not going to happen.
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112. Who is it?
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113. It's Jesus...
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114. From Williamsburg hardware.
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115. We got your do-it-yourself
Murphy bed.
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116. See how I made that happen?
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117. Vision.
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118. So which one of them
has the nine inches?
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119. Guess what I did today?
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120. Jesus?
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121. What do you think?
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122. I think the bed still isn't built.
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123. No, but it's almost finished.
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124. Look...
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125. Notice anything different
about me?
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126. I have answer.
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127. You had boob job.
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128. Your "b's
have turned into "c's,
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129. and for that,
I give you an "a."
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130. No, I had my uniform altered.
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131. Yes, life dealt me a bad uniform,
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132. but with a little vision,
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133. I can shape it
the way it works best for me.
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134. That should be a tip
in your inspirational book,
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135. which I'm guessing is called
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136. cutting pictures
out of magazines
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137. isn't just
for serial killers anymore.
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138. And this is exciting... look.
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139. The other really important thing
I did today...
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140. made us business cards.
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141. Now you can give one to Peach
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142. and throw our hat
into the party ring.
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143. You're her babysitter.
You already have a connection.
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144. Yeah, a connection
to her babies' asses.
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145. See? That's your limited vision.
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146. Plus, Peach is interviewing
this gay guy
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147. who used to work
for Martha Stewart.
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148. I mean, gay, Martha Stewart...
we can't top that.
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149. Just give her the cards.
We have to start somewhere.
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150. See?
"Max's homemade cupcakes."
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151. And look...
"Max Black, owner/baker."
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152. "Owner/baker"?
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153. That's pretty cool.
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154. See? There it is.
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155. It's real.
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156. But the name sucks a big one.
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157. "Homemade"...
it sounds like homeschooled,
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158. like we're churning out
cupcakes
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159. that aren't comfortable
around other people.
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160. Or it sounds delicious.
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161. And the cupcake on the card
has a cherry on it.
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162. My cupcakes
don't have a cherry...
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163. haven't since I was 13.
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164. If you could really get
under his shoulder blades...
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165. that's where he carries
all his stress.
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166. Don't say your real thoughts.
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167. Don't say your real thoughts.
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168. Max, we're using our spa voice today.
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169. Use my spa voice?
Okay.
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170. I can't afford this.
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171. I want you to make sure
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172. the twins drink lots of water after,
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173. you know, to flush out
the toxins.
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174. Toxins?
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175. All they drink is breast milk.
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176. I can't be sure
what the woman I buy that from
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177. puts in her body.
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178. We're all so tense
about the birthday party.
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179. If everything isn't perfect,
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180. how will they live
with the shame?
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181. Um, Peach, um...
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182. Speaking of the... the party,
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183. uh, I-I started this,
um, thing,
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184. and it's probably dumb, but...
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185. I don't need it.
Like, I'm fine.
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186. I don't need it.
It's just more like...
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187. like a... like a...
Favor.
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188. Um, but, uh, the thing is,
there's the cards,
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189. so I was thinking may...
"maybly"...
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190. "maybly"? What's that?
It's not a word, right?
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191. - I was not saying a word.
- I'm sorry.
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192. I'm done with whatever this is
that you're doing.
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193. I have to go meet
the Martha Stewart queen
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194. and hear his party pitch.
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195. Just remember,
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196. at 3:00, the twins
have their spray tans.
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197. Well, that's exactly
how I envisioned that.
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198. Let me see
what you're drawing, Johnny.
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199. A rat with a civil war hat.
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200. Is that your comment on how
politicians view soldiers?
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201. No, it's an actual rat
I saw wearing a hat.
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202. See, when you tend bar
till 4:00 a.m.,
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203. you see a lot of weird stuff.
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204. And when you waitress
till 2:00,
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205. you see a loser
drawing a rat on a napkin.
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206. Now sign it, please.
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207. Hmm.
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208. You realize my art won't be
worth anything till I'm dead?
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209. Why do you think
I keep inviting you here to eat
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210. week after week?
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211. Question...
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212. how does it feel
to be the owner
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213. of an original piece
of napkin art
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214. worth roughly...
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215. Less than the worth
of the napkin?
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216. Well, I got to get
back to work.
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217. All right, bye.
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218. Pick up... table ten.
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219. I watch you over there.
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220. Much sexual tension
with deadbeat bartender.
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221. He's not just a bartender.
He's a street artist.
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222. And all I did was bite
a piece of celery.
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223. When I think of all the times
I asked you to bite my celery...
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224. And nothing.
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225. Okay, my side work's done,
and my tables are all caught up.
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226. So, tell me,
did you give Peach the card?
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227. No, I didn't.
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228. - Why?
- It was like
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229. my mouth wouldn't
let me do it.
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230. That's crazy.
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231. What's so hard
about going up to Peach
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232. and saying,
"good afternoon, Peach."
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233. "Exciting news...
I started a cupcake business."
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234. "Here's our card."
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235. "Please pass them out
to all your friends,
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236. and help us launch our exciting
new business venture."
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237. "Thank you."
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238. That sounds needy,
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239. like when someone asks you
to come to their one-woman show.
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240. "Somebody date-raped me,
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241. and I didn't think
I'd live through it,
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242. but I did,
and now I'm stronger,
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243. and, uh, still needy."
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244. There is nothing needy
about having a quality product
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245. and wanting it out there.
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246. Look at Earl... he has a CD on display.
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247. Yeah, but he's cool about it.
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248. He doesn't get all
late-night infomercial
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249. and shove them
down people's throats.
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250. Earl?
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251. How many CDs have you sold
at the diner?
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252. Well, in this current economy...
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253. It's been pretty light.
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254. - May I?
- Mm-hmm.
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255. Hi.
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256. You guys
look like music lovers.
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257. This is the best saxophone CD
you will ever hear...
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258. recorded by our cashier Earl Samson.
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259. He's played
with all the greats...
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260. Coltrane, Hancock,
even Bacharach.
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261. His music career derailed
due to a heroin addiction,
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262. but now he's clean and sober
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263. and, at 83,
still following his dream.
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264. Only $9.95 a copy.
Who'd like one?
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265. Thank you!
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266. Earl, four CDs.
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267. Is any of that true?
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268. Nope. She even made up
my damn last name.
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269. That girl can sell.
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270. Oh! Max...
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271. Will you come
look at Brangelina?
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272. I think the spray-tan lady
went a little too far.
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273. I wanted them to look tan,
not foreign.
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274. A little lebanese,
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275. but that'll clear up
in a day or two.
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276. I'm having the worst day.
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277. Jessica Seinfeld stole
the Martha Stewart boy.
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278. I am so upset with her.
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279. I thought we were pretending
to be friends.
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280. And now I have no one
to do the desserts.
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281. - Hello, Peach, exciting news...
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282. I have a cupcake business.
They're really good.
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283. Give these to your friends
and help launch
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284. a new business
or whatever.
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285. That's it. I did it.
Boom!
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286. Okay, the bed still isn't built.
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287. But the mattress came,
and it's so good.
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288. Oh, no... this is not okay.
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289. We're not keeping a mattress
on the floor.
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290. We're poor,
not crackheads.
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291. And you tricked me.
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292. I did my part,
so you better get this bed done.
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293. Max, you gave Peach the cards.
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294. I'm so proud of you.
What did she say?
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295. No. Shut it. Do it.
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296. Relax. The bed will be assembled
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297. and hidden in the wall
by the end of the day,
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298. 'cause I decided to do
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299. what cute girls
have been doing for centuries.
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300. I asked a guy for help.
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301. You called a guy?
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302. Oh, is he going to climb up
your long blonde hair
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303. and rescue you
from your murphy-bed tower?
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304. Wait.
You don't know any guys.
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305. Who did you invite?
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306. - Johnny.
- No. No, no, no, no.
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307. Eh, I don't want to see Johnny.
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308. I had a weird thing with him
at the diner last night.
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309. I thought you guys were friends.
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310. I don't know what we are.
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311. He was fake interviewing me
with a celery stalk...
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312. 'Cause you're both grown-ups.
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313. And when he put it
near my mouth,
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314. I thought he wanted me
to bite it, so I...
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315. - You bit it?
- I bit it!
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316. - That is weird
and humiliating and hot.
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317. Yes, yes, and, yes.
Call him right now!
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318. He can't come over here.
Look around!
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319. I have his napkins
hanging up everywhere.
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320. He'll think I'm dexter.
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321. Don't answer that.
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322. - Don't you...
- Come on in, Johnny.
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323. Yes, I did it.
I need a bed.
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324. You are so selfish!
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325. Yes, I'm selfish,
and you're Dexter.
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326. So, quick... help me take down the napkins.
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327. Oh, god, there are so many!
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328. How come I never noticed
how many there were before?
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329. I don't know.
Same reason you didn't notice
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330. your father stealing
everybody's money.
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331. Really? Really?
Now when I'm helping you?
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332. You're right.
We'll trash you later.
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333. Why don't you just ask him
what the celery moment meant?
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334. I don't want to ask him.
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335. You don't want to ask
anybody anything.
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336. It's not like the business cards.
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337. What am I going to say?
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338. "Good afternoon, Johnny."
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339. "Exciting news... I have started
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340. an oddly sexual
celery-biting business."
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341. Be right there, Johnny!
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342. Yo.
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343. So I brought tools...
per your request...
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344. and beer, I made
an executive decision on.
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345. So that's what you do
with my art.
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346. Just one, and I put it up there.
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347. She doesn't even like it... she's like,
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348. "why would anyone hang up
stupid napkin art?"
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349. Right off my back.
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350. Had a couple of these
on the subway.
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351. So here's the wood.
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352. You can't help her...
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353. she needs to learn a lesson
about doing things for herself.
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354. She thinks we're her daddy,
and we'll go back on our word,
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355. and she'll get a pony.
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356. Well, you can see
why she'd think that.
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357. I'm going to see
if the horse wants a beer.
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358. Hmm, maybe put my glasses on him...
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359. get crazy up in this piece!
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360. When you're out there,
ask him what the celery meant.
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361. Get busy, princess.
Daddy's got company.
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362. Well, little lady,
I reckon a cowboy'd get used to
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363. a pretty sweet setup like this.
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364. It's a hard life
out on the trails.
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365. Yeah, it's hard
for my people, too,
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366. since you stole all our land
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367. and gave us blankets
covered in smallpox.
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368. I do declare,
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369. I'm sorry
for the disease blankets.
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370. But they did
keep you warm, I bet,
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371. until they killed you, that is.
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372. "I do declare" is not cowboy.
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373. That's Southern Belle.
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374. I think you're looking
for "darn tootin'"
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375. or "dag nab it."
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376. Cowboys did not say "dag nab it."
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377. Yeah, they did.
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378. "Someone done gone stole
my horse, dag nab it."
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379. I think you're thinking "doggone it."
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380. No, "dag nab it"... cowboy.
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381. Do you really think you know
cowboy better than me?
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382. Which one of us has a horse?
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383. Which one of us has assless chaps?
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384. Should I go inside
and help Caroline?
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385. No. I'm sure she's doing just fine.
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386. Can I ask you something?
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387. Sure.
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388. When you put the sss...
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389. we should get on the horse!
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390. - Okay.
- Yeah!
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391. Use three-inch lag screw
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392. to secure ledger board
to wall studs
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393. "aboot" every 12 inches.
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394. Ooh! Your canadian voice is so dull,
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395. I can't understand
a word you're saying.
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396. There's got to be a video
with a better voice.
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397. "How to build a Murphy bed... Morgan Freeman."
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398. Interesting bit of information about horses...
Copy !req
399. they hurt your balls.
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400. Yeah, mine hurt, too.
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401. You would think after all these years
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402. of riding a horse,
man would have evolved
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403. to have his balls on top
instead of underneath.
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404. Life would be so much easier.
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405. Well, yeah, but I don't see
a lot of old-timey ladies
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406. wanting to get
with the top balls.
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407. Are you thinking
about the celery?
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408. No, I'm still thinking about my balls.
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409. Now I'm thinking about the celery.
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410. That was weird, right?
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411. Not weird, really... more, um, intense.
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412. Intense good or intense bad?
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413. Intense intense.
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414. Whoo.
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415. Whoa. Oh. Did I just grab your...
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416. yeah, I don't know.
"Maybly."
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417. "Maybly"!
That's not a word, right?
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418. - I should...
- I got to get down.
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419. Me too.
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420. My balls.
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421. So take your makeup brush,
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422. take your mirror,
and you want to comb
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423. your eyebrows upwards.
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424. What are you doing?
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425. Okay, okay.
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426. I thought I typed in "Morgan Freeman."
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427. But I'm so tired,
what came up was "more gay men"
Copy !req
428. but this damon guy is a genius.
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429. If he had a video
on how to build a Murphy bed,
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430. it'd already be done.
Copy !req
431. Wait. Where's Johnny?
Copy !req
432. What happened?
Did you ask him?
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433. No, he left.
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434. Out the back?
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435. Yeah, it got even weirder.
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436. He grabbed my boob.
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437. Or... he didn't grab my...
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438. he grabbed my boob.
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439. I just don't know
whether it was on purpose.
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440. But I asked,
like you told me to,
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441. and now I have
a weird boob moment
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442. to go with my weird
celery moment.
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443. That is very complicated.
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444. But I'm great
with relationship stuff.
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445. So come on over here,
and we'll hammer it all out
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446. while we hammer this all out.
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447. Come on, this is
where you break down
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448. and finally help me
build the bed.
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449. No, this is where I go
to my already-built bed.
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450. And after Peaches today and...
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451. Whatever that was out there
with my boob,
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452. I'm not showing anyone
my cards anymore...
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453. business or personal.
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454. Go in!
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455. Go in! Oh!
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456. What is happening out here?
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457. That's the kind of pounding
that's supposed to happen
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458. after you're in the bed.
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459. I can't do it.
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460. I tried.
I really did, but I can't.
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461. I guess I can't do anything
without my father's money.
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462. You were right.
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463. Trying is embarrassing.
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464. So I'm not going to try
anymore.
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465. I'm sick of it.
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466. I'm going to sleep on that horrible couch
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467. and get bad tips
and cry
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468. every waitress day
for the rest of my life.
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469. Daddy, please.
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470. God, you're a baby.
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471. Okay, I'll help you...
this one time only.
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472. And we're not going
to bond when we do it.
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473. We're not going to high-five
when we finish.
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474. And I don't want to hear
two months from now,
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475. "hey, remember that night
we built the Murphy bed?
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476. That was awesome."
None of that. Got it?
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477. We need the power drill,
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478. 1/4-inch bit,
some masonry screws,
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479. and a Bear Claw.
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480. Now delete "eyebrows,"
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481. type in "Murphy bed,"
and let's build this mother.
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482. I can't believe we did it.
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483. Yeah, it looks pretty good.
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484. Oh, Max.
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485. You put the bakery up
on your vision beam.
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486. Say anything more,
and I'll take it down.
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487. Do you know this number?
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488. That's Peach.
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489. - Why would she call you?
- It's about
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490. the cupcake business...
my number's on the card.
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491. Put it on speaker.
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492. Hello?
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493. I found your card
in my baby's room.
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494. I have no idea who you are
or how it got there,
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495. but I'm throwing
a birthday party in a week,
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496. and I thought cupcakes
might be fun.
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497. Oh, they are.
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498. People love cupcakes.
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499. They bring a sense
of whimsy and nostalgia.
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500. That's enough.
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501. Why don't you tell me
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502. some of the other events
you've done?
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503. Oh, well,
we're a start-up company.
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504. Oh, no,
I need a real business.
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505. Bye-bye.
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506. Well, there you go...
complete waste of our time.
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507. See?
Trying is embarrassing.
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508. No. That was great, incredible.
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509. What? She hung up on you.
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510. Yes. But it proves one thing.
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511. The cards... they worked!
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512. This is so inspiring.
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513. First we build a Murphy bed,
next a cupcake business,
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514. then, Max...
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515. Who knows what else?
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516. Uh, adjust the springs?
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517. No, that's perfect.
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