1. Look at that.
Dogs in the diner.Copy !req
2. Where are we, Paris?Copy !req
3. 'Cause if we are, I'm gonna
stop wearing deodorant.Copy !req
4. Did you guys see
that adorable dog?Copy !req
5. You mean the one leaking
rabies all over the tableCopy !req
6. while people
are trying to eat?Copy !req
7. She said
he's allowed to be in here.Copy !req
8. He's her registered
emotional companion.Copy !req
9. Her registered
full-of-crap what?Copy !req
10. He's got one of those
official vests that saysCopy !req
11. "don't pet me,
I'm working."Copy !req
12. I have a shirt that says
"federal bikini inspector,"Copy !req
13. but there is simply no such
branch of the U.S. government.Copy !req
14. Hi, so, uh,
what the hell is this?Copy !req
15. Excuse me?
I don't understand.Copy !req
16. Dogs aren't allowed
in the diner.Copy !req
17. Oh, he's legally allowed
to be here.Copy !req
18. He's my registered
emotional companion.Copy !req
19. You mean you don't
have a boyfriend.Copy !req
20. No,
I suffer from anxiety.Copy !req
21. You mean you don't
want to eat alone.Copy !req
22. No, I have a note
from a doctor.Copy !req
23. You mean you have a printer
and the Internet.Copy !req
24. Admit it,
and the dog can stay.Copy !req
25. It's really hard
meeting guys.Copy !req
26. There's a good boy.
I'll get you a cookie.Copy !req
27. sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/Copy !req
28. Is it just me,
or does Han sound kind of sexyCopy !req
29. when he speaks Korean?Copy !req
30. Looks like Han,
sounds like Barry White.Copy !req
31. Who was that, Han?Copy !req
32. Do you have a hot,
new Korean girlfriend?Copy !req
33. Yeah, someone
who really likes youCopy !req
34. and is $1.50
for the first minuteCopy !req
35. and $2 for each
additional minute?Copy !req
36. I was talking
to my mother!Copy !req
37. So... yes?Copy !req
38. I was not talking hot.
I was apologizing.Copy !req
39. She's still angry
I left home.Copy !req
40. She thinks I'm freewheeling
American who takes drugsCopy !req
41. and has intercourse
with dirty kardashian.Copy !req
42. Does she know you buy
your sweaters at build-a-bear?Copy !req
43. Well, I don't know
a lot about the Korean culture,Copy !req
44. but maybe you should
stand up for yourselfCopy !req
45. and stop apologizing
to your mother.Copy !req
46. Yeah, what do you
even have to apologize for?Copy !req
47. You must have been
the easiest birth ever.Copy !req
48. She could've coughed you
into a catcher's mitt.Copy !req
49. I'm making a cappuccino,
you want one?Copy !req
50. Nope, I can't have
any caffeine.Copy !req
51. I have to keep my system clean.
I'm doing a drug trial tomorrow.Copy !req
52. Max,
not one of those placesCopy !req
53. where they use you
as a Guinea pigCopy !req
54. to test for side effects
of new drugsCopy !req
55. that go on the market?Copy !req
56. Or, as I like to call it,
getting paid $500Copy !req
57. to, uh, roll
the side effects diceCopy !req
58. and hope it lands
on hallucinations.Copy !req
59. I would never
do something like that.Copy !req
60. I consider
my body a temple.Copy !req
61. Didn't I see
your "temple" eat a bagCopy !req
62. of flaming hot cheetos
two nights ago?Copy !req
63. And that
was a huge mistake.Copy !req
64. I still have a little...Copy !req
65. Burny heinie.Copy !req
66. And besides, think of
all the people who areCopy !req
67. lowering their cholesterol
safely because of me.Copy !req
68. Or the people who aren't
taking klamitra because of me.Copy !req
69. I never
heard of klamitra.Copy !req
70. You're welcome.Copy !req
71. I know klamitra.Copy !req
72. Sexy black woman
who teaches my spin class.Copy !req
73. Uh, hello, uh,
maybe you can help me.Copy !req
74. I'm looking
for Caroline channing.Copy !req
75. I have a legal matter
to discuss with her.Copy !req
76. Never heard of her.
Never seen her.Copy !req
77. - Mr. hutchinson?
- Never took an oath.Copy !req
78. Oh, my God,
Mr. hutchinson, hi.Copy !req
79. I haven't seen you
since my father's scandal brokeCopy !req
80. and they were dragging you
out of your law offices.Copy !req
81. Can I hug you?
I mean, it's been so longCopy !req
82. since I've seen anyone
from my old life.Copy !req
83. But, uh,
not too hard.Copy !req
84. Ever since the scandal,
I've had acid reflux.Copy !req
85. Didn't you
used to be taller?Copy !req
86. No, uh, prouder.Copy !req
87. Oh, uh, Mr. hutchinson,
this is my friend, Max.Copy !req
88. Max, this is Leo hutchinson,
one of my father's attorneys.Copy !req
89. Oh, I've never
known a lawyerCopy !req
90. who wasn't
court-appointed for me.Copy !req
91. Well, except for
the ones on law & order.Copy !req
92. Have you ever
been on that show?Copy !req
93. No,
I'm a real lawyer.Copy !req
94. You look like someone
who was on that show.Copy !req
95. Are you sure
you didn't representCopy !req
96. the woman
who ate her child?Copy !req
97. I've never represented
anyone who ate their child.Copy !req
98. On law & order.Copy !req
99. Caroline, I'm sorry
to drag you into this,Copy !req
100. but the prosecutor is asking
for you to give a depositionCopy !req
101. regarding
your father's case.Copy !req
102. Anything I can do to help?
I'm pretty courtroom savvy.Copy !req
103. I mean, I haven't seen
every episode of law & order,Copy !req
104. just, like, 400 of them.Copy !req
105. For instance,
the, uh, judge's hammer?Copy !req
106. Not called a hammer.Copy !req
107. Reflux! Oh!Copy !req
108. Sorry.Copy !req
109. I just... I need to
take a rylindia.Copy !req
110. Ah, rylindia.
Does that work?Copy !req
111. - Hmm.
- You're welcome.Copy !req
112. Well, thank you for coming
all the way out here.Copy !req
113. I know I'm in good hands
with you representing me.Copy !req
114. Uh, well, Caroline, as much
as I would love to help youCopy !req
115. and your
legal associate here,Copy !req
116. uh, the firm won't let me
do it for free.Copy !req
117. I mean, your father's case
bankrupted us practically,Copy !req
118. and my standard rate
is $1,100 an hour.Copy !req
119. You know I don't have
that kind of money.Copy !req
120. Last week,
I gave myself a bikini waxCopy !req
121. with duct tape
I stole from the diner.Copy !req
122. I'm gonna need
another rylindia.Copy !req
123. Oh, don't take two of those
in under an hourCopy !req
124. unless you want to have
an orgasm every time you yawn.Copy !req
125. You're welcome again.Copy !req
126. Mr. hutchinson,
I need you to do this.Copy !req
127. You can make this go away
as easily as possible.Copy !req
128. Please don't
make me beg.Copy !req
129. The floor's gross,
and my skirt's too short.Copy !req
130. Counselor,
at this juncture,Copy !req
131. I am going to need to
take miss channingCopy !req
132. and have a sidebar
over near the bar bar.Copy !req
133. How fun is this,
by the way?Copy !req
134. I'm, like,
your lawyer now.Copy !req
135. Oh, real fun.
About as fun as that bikini wax.Copy !req
136. And then I had to spend $14
on neosporin.Copy !req
137. Don't worry, I know how you
can make $500 in one night.Copy !req
138. I've been telling her that
since she got here.Copy !req
139. Max, I am not
doing a drug trial.Copy !req
140. Besides,
it's not enough money anyway.Copy !req
141. No, but after
I put in my $500,Copy !req
142. plus we take $100
from the cupcake fund.Copy !req
143. You would do that
for me?Copy !req
144. You know, I always thought
we'd have to useCopy !req
145. the cupcake money to get us
out of a legal problem.Copy !req
146. I just thought
it'd be for you.Copy !req
147. Me too!Copy !req
148. Welcome aboard,
drug buddy.Copy !req
149. I can't believe
I'm doing a drug trial.Copy !req
150. I won't even use stevia.Copy !req
151. It'll be fun!Copy !req
152. Just think of it as
a middle-school sleepover.Copy !req
153. But with drugs.Copy !req
154. Yeah,
a middle-school sleepover.Copy !req
155. So when
you did this before,Copy !req
156. you never got
any side effects, right?Copy !req
157. Well, no negative ones.
I used to be an "a" cup.Copy !req
158. Wow, everybody
looks so normal.Copy !req
159. This is more like
sorority row than skid row.Copy !req
160. Hi!
I'm Katie.Copy !req
161. Just found out
there's three to a room,Copy !req
162. and I was wondering if you guys
have chosen a roomie yet.Copy !req
163. Wait, there's three
in a room?Copy !req
164. Yeah, I know.Copy !req
165. You want to be careful
who you get.Copy !req
166. Anyways,
I'm a self-mutilator,Copy !req
167. and, um, I was wondering if
you could keep an eye on me.Copy !req
168. Just wrestle anything
out of my hands that's sharp.Copy !req
169. Uh,
you know what, Katie?Copy !req
170. We are
self-mutilators too.Copy !req
171. So, uh, we kind of
have our hands full.Copy !req
172. Yeah,
we're gonna be super-busyCopy !req
173. self-mutilating ourselves.Copy !req
174. No worries.Copy !req
175. Max, you should have told me
about the bed situation.Copy !req
176. Untested experimental drugs
is one thing,Copy !req
177. but three to a room?
That's barbaric!Copy !req
178. It'll be fine!Copy !req
179. We just have to pick
the right girl.Copy !req
180. What about, uh,
the one in the raincoat?Copy !req
181. She looks stuck-up,Copy !req
182. like she'd talk
about herself all night.Copy !req
183. Yeah, we already
got one of those.Copy !req
184. What about, uh...Copy !req
185. What about
Bob Marley shirt?Copy !req
186. She looks like
she smells.Copy !req
187. - Confirmed.
- Right there.Copy !req
188. That's who we want.
She looks smartCopy !req
189. and like she'd
mind her own business.Copy !req
190. Hey!
What are you up to?Copy !req
191. Nothing.
Just minding my own business.Copy !req
192. Hey, want to be
our roommate?Copy !req
193. Oh, I just said yes
to a self-mutilator,Copy !req
194. but I can get out of it.Copy !req
195. She probably
loves rejection.Copy !req
196. All right,
ladies, listen up!Copy !req
197. - Hey, Max!
- Hi, Toby.Copy !req
198. Heads-up,
me, her, and, uh...Copy !req
199. Excuse me,
what's your name?Copy !req
200. Oh, it's cool,Copy !req
201. we don't have to do,
like, the name thing.Copy !req
202. A girl after my own heart!Copy !req
203. - We're roommates.
- Got it.Copy !req
204. Now, since most of you
have done this before,Copy !req
205. I'll make it quick.Copy !req
206. Half of you
will get a placebo.Copy !req
207. The other half will be a testing
a new drug called gladiva,Copy !req
208. and no, that's not my stage name
down at the clubs.Copy !req
209. Okay,
possible side effectsCopy !req
210. may occur over
the next 24 to 48 hours.Copy !req
211. They are...
Drum roll please...Copy !req
212. Headaches,
vomiting, flatulence,Copy !req
213. tongue-swelling,
suicidal thoughts...Copy !req
214. I'm having some
right now.Copy !req
215. - Itw...
- Inability to walk.Copy !req
216. Mm, I hope we get that
'cause that's the only thingCopy !req
217. that's gonna keep me here.Copy !req
218. And ru...Copy !req
219. Relentless urination.Copy !req
220. Fatigue, seizures...Copy !req
221. Camel toe.Copy !req
222. I'm kidding.
That's my joke.Copy !req
223. That's his joke.Copy !req
224. Good,
'cause I was out the door.Copy !req
225. Also, tg,
eb, ccs...Copy !req
226. You want me
to explain those to you?Copy !req
227. Not until you see one
happening to me.Copy !req
228. And A.L.Copy !req
229. Anal leakage.Copy !req
230. The Grande Dame
of side effects.Copy !req
231. Well, bottoms up.Copy !req
232. Max, don't say that
after "anal leakage."Copy !req
233. See? This is fun!Copy !req
234. Getting paid to eat cookies
and play the game of life.Copy !req
235. - Your turn.
- What's the point?Copy !req
236. Clearly, I've already
lost the game of lifeCopy !req
237. 'cause I'm sitting
in a drug trialCopy !req
238. waiting for
my "A" to "L".Copy !req
239. Well, if your "A"
does start to "L,"Copy !req
240. you're on the bottom bunk.Copy !req
241. I gotta pee.Copy !req
242. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
243. What?Copy !req
244. Mm,
it's probably nothing,Copy !req
245. but she might be
experiencing ru.Copy !req
246. What's that again?Copy !req
247. Relentless urination.Copy !req
248. She just said
she had to pee.Copy !req
249. Yeah,
that's relentless.Copy !req
250. Are you okay?Copy !req
251. Yeah.Copy !req
252. "Ru" sure?Copy !req
253. Okay,
your turn to spin.Copy !req
254. No more games.Copy !req
255. I really want to be prepared
for this deposition.Copy !req
256. Can you read me the questions
Mr. hutchinson sent?Copy !req
257. Mm-hmm.Copy !req
258. "State your full name."Copy !req
259. Caroline Wesbox Channing.Copy !req
260. Your middle name
is "Wesbox"?Copy !req
261. It was
my grandfather's name.Copy !req
262. It also might be
a side effect.Copy !req
263. "I just slept with a dude
who gave me Wesbox!"Copy !req
264. Max, can you just ask me
the next question?Copy !req
265. Do you have any owledge
of investor capitalCopy !req
266. from the channing
investment groupCopy !req
267. being transferred
to offshore banks?Copy !req
268. I had
no knowledge of it.Copy !req
269. - You're boring.
- I'm boring?Copy !req
270. I'm just saying,
I'd change the channel.Copy !req
271. This is a bad one.Copy !req
272. Max,
it's not law & order.Copy !req
273. I'll say it isn't.Copy !req
274. Look, tomorrow,
you gotta give them something.Copy !req
275. Open your shirt,
hike up your skirt,Copy !req
276. show them your Wesbox.Copy !req
277. "Did you know anything
about your fatherCopy !req
278. - "illegally siphoning funds?"
- No.Copy !req
279. "Have you ever had
any conversationsCopy !req
280. with your father regarding
said transactions?"Copy !req
281. No.Copy !req
282. "Is your ass leaking
right now?"Copy !req
283. No.Copy !req
284. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
285. Nope.Copy !req
286. How we doing, ladies?Copy !req
287. Any side effects?Copy !req
288. Max, are you awake?Copy !req
289. Max!Copy !req
290. Quiet, you're gonna
wake up pissy spacek.Copy !req
291. I can't sleep.
My hearts keeps racing.Copy !req
292. You should tell Toby.
It's probably a side effect.Copy !req
293. No, I'm nervous.Copy !req
294. I can't stop thinking
about the depositionCopy !req
295. and about my father.
Can I come down and talk?Copy !req
296. Not a great time.
I kind of have people over.Copy !req
297. Get in here.
What's wrong?Copy !req
298. I'm scared
about tomorrow.Copy !req
299. I'm scared I'm gonna say
the wrong thingCopy !req
300. and make things worse
for my father.Copy !req
301. Look, all you have to do
is answer the questionsCopy !req
302. as carefully as they suggested
and then throw in a wink,Copy !req
303. forget to wear panties.
He'll be fine.Copy !req
304. But that's the thing.Copy !req
305. The questions don't say
anything about my father.Copy !req
306. They're so cut and dry.Copy !req
307. They're only asking me
details about thingsCopy !req
308. I know nothing about,Copy !req
309. and they're not interested in
the things I do know about him.Copy !req
310. That he's warm, and funny,
and generous, and loving.Copy !req
311. Like when I was little,
and he and ICopy !req
312. would take our plane
to our chalet in deer valley.Copy !req
313. Stop. You might as well
rephrase that toCopy !req
314. "when he and I
would take our guiltyCopy !req
315. to our guilty
in guilty valley."Copy !req
316. Every morning,
before we went skiing,Copy !req
317. he would get up
really early and make meCopy !req
318. his snowflake
cinnamon french toast.Copy !req
319. Sounds amazing.Copy !req
320. And as he dusted
the cinnamon and sugar on top,Copy !req
321. he'd say,
"look, sweetheart, it's snowing,Copy !req
322. snowing just for you."Copy !req
323. And then he'd cut it
into these little pieces...Copy !req
324. See? I can't even
get the words out.Copy !req
325. No one will ever hear them.
No one will know.Copy !req
326. I'll know.
I heard them.Copy !req
327. Another round?Copy !req
328. Yeah, I'm just gonna
bring my pillow in there.Copy !req
329. I don't think Gladiva's
gonna make it to the market.Copy !req
330. We'll be doing
the deposition in here.Copy !req
331. Oh, wow, this is exactly
how it looks on law & order!Copy !req
332. Ooh! Ooh!Copy !req
333. There's the tiny
typewriter thingCopy !req
334. where the actress
who never gets to speak sits!Copy !req
335. Leo, Leo, take my picture
near the tiny typewriter.Copy !req
336. Ladies, ladies.
We only have an hour.Copy !req
337. We're already behind
because you were late.Copy !req
338. Sorry, we had to stop
at the check-cashing place.Copy !req
339. Yeah, and then a store
to get diapers for a friend.Copy !req
340. There, $1,000.Copy !req
341. No fuss,
and luckily, no muss.Copy !req
342. Max, do you have
the $100 from the cupcakes?Copy !req
343. Yeah.Copy !req
344. Uh, 40... 60...
80... 90...Copy !req
345. 5, 6, 7, and...Copy !req
346. 100.Copy !req
347. Mr. hutchinson,
are you having reflux?Copy !req
348. No, I-it just became clear
to me what I do for a living.Copy !req
349. Okay, uh, Caroline,Copy !req
350. if you're ready,
I can bring them in.Copy !req
351. Remember,
just stick to the questionsCopy !req
352. and don't embellish.Copy !req
353. I prepped her
last night, Leo.Copy !req
354. All right,
let's go, Max.Copy !req
355. Actually,
I want her to stay.Copy !req
356. I'm nervous,
and she makes me feel better.Copy !req
357. Yes, I'm her registered
emotional companion.Copy !req
358. Well, this is
a legal proceeding,Copy !req
359. and that's
a highly unusual request.Copy !req
360. But not improbable.
We googled it.Copy !req
361. Yeah, she's allowed to have
an emotional companion,Copy !req
362. as long as
both attorneys agree.Copy !req
363. Well, I graduated
top of my class at Harvard,Copy !req
364. but since you googled it,
I'll try to make that happen.Copy !req
365. No, I am unaware
of any of the transactionsCopy !req
366. you just mentioned.Copy !req
367. Thank you,
miss channing.Copy !req
368. Now, if you'll just bear with me
a little while longer,Copy !req
369. I only have a couple more
pertinent questions.Copy !req
370. Your voice
is unbelievable.Copy !req
371. You could be
on law & order.Copy !req
372. Max!Copy !req
373. Withdrawn.Copy !req
374. Miss channing,
do you have any knowledgeCopy !req
375. of embezzlement
of any kind taking placeCopy !req
376. at the channing
investment group?Copy !req
377. No,
I had no knowl...Copy !req
378. Of any su...Copy !req
379. Could you repeat that?Copy !req
380. Ruh-roh.Copy !req
381. You're having
a side effect!Copy !req
382. Tongue swelling.
Ts!Copy !req
383. Uh, counselor,
give us one second.Copy !req
384. What is going on?Copy !req
385. We took drugs.Copy !req
386. Did she just say
"we took drugs"?Copy !req
387. Very good, Leo.
You must play charades.Copy !req
388. Look, we did a drug trial
to get money for this.Copy !req
389. What's the holdup,
counselor?Copy !req
390. Just give her some water.
I had this once.Copy !req
391. It goes away in an hour.Copy !req
392. You said you never hadCopy !req
393. any side effects!Copy !req
394. Oh, please.
I died once.Copy !req
395. I just didn't want
to scare you.Copy !req
396. Miss channing,
are you aware of any accountsCopy !req
397. opened under any names
other than your father's?Copy !req
398. Just drink the water.Copy !req
399. One sec.Copy !req
400. Uh, does anyone have
a napkin or a bib?Copy !req
401. $1,100, you gotta have a bib
around here somewhere.Copy !req
402. All right,
what's going on here?Copy !req
403. I was just, uh,
informed my clientCopy !req
404. was part of a drug test
within the last 24 hours.Copy !req
405. Drug test, Leo?
That's a good one.Copy !req
406. Just another
rich girl on drugs.Copy !req
407. Get her into rehab,
and we'll have to reschedule.Copy !req
408. We'll have to do this
another time.Copy !req
409. No, no, no, no, no, no!Copy !req
410. No, no!
She's right!Copy !req
411. We don't have the money
to do this another TimCopy !req
412. look, I can tell you right now,
she does not know anything.Copy !req
413. She doesn't know
about the money,Copy !req
414. she doesn't know
about transactions.Copy !req
415. She doesn't know
anything about anything.Copy !req
416. We are paid up
for three more minutes,Copy !req
417. and we are going to
use them!Copy !req
418. She can't talk, but I know
what she would want to say.Copy !req
419. Ladies and gentlemen
of the... room,Copy !req
420. she would want you to know
who her father really is.Copy !req
421. He used to make her
snow toast!Copy !req
422. And in her words,
he was funny, smart,Copy !req
423. and a generous lover.Copy !req
424. Generous and loving!Copy !req
425. Oh, sorry, yes, yes.
Generous and loving.Copy !req
426. Now, I don't know her father,
and I have never met him...Copy !req
427. And I would like you
to put that on the record,Copy !req
428. actress who's never
allowed to talk...Copy !req
429. But I do know her,
and she's an amazing person.Copy !req
430. And her father
raised her alone,Copy !req
431. so he must be
an amazing person too.Copy !req
432. Well...Copy !req
433. That accomplished nothing.Copy !req
434. Counselor,
what do we do here?Copy !req
435. We take a short recess
until she can speak,Copy !req
436. and resume
the deposition, on me,Copy !req
437. because her father
is an amazing guy, and...Copy !req
438. That's what they would do
on law & order.Copy !req
439. Fine,
we'll break for an hour.Copy !req
440. Seriously, you sound like
a superhero's boss.Copy !req
441. Max, you're the best.Copy !req
442. I know.
I did pretty good, right?Copy !req
443. I should've gone
to law school.Copy !req
444. Or High School.Copy !req
445. Permission to enter
the judge's chambers?Copy !req
446. Permission granted.
Excuse the tubs of bleu cheese.Copy !req
447. They're being held
as evidenceCopy !req
448. in the case
against eating here.Copy !req
449. I wanted to thank you
for everything you did.Copy !req
450. And I know you were gonna
buy yourself a treatCopy !req
451. with the drug money...Copy !req
452. Yeah, like drugs.Copy !req
453. So I got you
a little something.Copy !req
454. It's the complete
law & order box set!Copy !req
455. No way!Copy !req
456. That's not a little something.
That's, like, $500.Copy !req
457. Or $30 on the subway.Copy !req
458. And the guy said
most of them are in english.Copy !req
459. Awesome!Copy !req
460. Freezer adjourned.Copy !req
461. Sync & corrections by Rafael UPD
www.addic7ed.com/Copy !req