2 Broke Girls 1x2

1. Hi, ready to order?

2. Do you have anything that's really special?

3. Not according to my high school guidance counselor.

4. I'll have the veggie plate.

5. But instead of beets, I want kale.

6. And instead of broccoli, more kale.

7. I want the veggies steamed.

8. And instead of dressing, I want lemons.

9. Don't you need to write this down?

10. I'm afraid if I start writing that down,

11. it'll turn into a suicide note.

12. I'm assuming this table's gonna have

13. a lot more of those requests.

14. Yes, I could tell by the hats.

15. Earl, I have something new I want you to try.

16. That's the exact same sentence

17. that got me hooked on cocaine in the '80s.

18. It's my new cupcake flavor.

19. Delicious dark chocolate the ladies can't help but love.

20. I'm calling it "The Earl."

21. I know you got that right.

22. Hi, I'm here.

23. I was running late so I decided to hail a cab.

24. And then I remembered I didn't have any money on me.

25. And then I remembered I didn't have any money at all.

26. So I walked the whole way here.

27. The apartment's three blocks away.

28. Yes, I know.

29. Three blocks and 15 "Hola chicas" away.

30. Well, you can't be late again.

31. I'm already worried about me being late...

32. every month.

33. On my way here, a homeless man asked me for money.

34. And I told him that I usually always give,

35. but that my father was indicted in a Ponzi scandal

36. and I've lost my family fortune and my Manhattan townhouse,

37. so I've been sleeping on a couch in Brooklyn,

38. but, in spite of it all, I'm still optimistic

39. that you and I will achieve success

40. in our exciting new cupcake business venture.

41. And look what he gave me!

42. You took money from a homeless man?

43. I prefer to think of Bob near the bridge

44. as our first investor.

45. Pickup! Special sandwich.

46. I can think of even more special sandwich.

47. You, me and the hot blonde giraffe.

48. Well, she recently lost her dignity,

49. so you might have a shot.

50. Hello today!

51. I have nametag for you.

52. Only your second day and look, nametag already.

53. As new owner, I am killing it.

54. Thank you.

55. Oh, it says "Carolin."

56. It's Caroline. With an "E."

57. I'm Caroline.

58. As new owner, I am sucking it.

59. Just put it on.

60. You can't tell an Asian he made a mistake.

61. He'll go in the back and throw himself on a sword.

62. Thank you, Mr. Lee.

63. You may call me Han.

64. H-a-n.

65. No trap in my name.

66. I'm thinking we should take

67. the first step in our new cupcake business

68. by writing "Max's Homemade Cupcakes"

69. up on the specials board.

70. No, I can't have my name up there.

71. Everyone I owe money to thinks I live in Seattle.

72. Oh, we used to own Seattle.

73. Max, we've got to get the name out there.

74. Create a buzz.

75. Ooh, good idea!

76. Let's create a buzz.

77. Exactly, in order to launch—

78. I'm mocking you.

79. When in doubt, I'm always mocking you.

80. Seriously, Max.

81. This new cupcake business is our lifeline.

82. A way out for both of us.

83. And I wanna thank you again for letting me move in.

84. If there's anything I can do to help you—

85. You mean besides starting to wait on tables?

86. I meant, anything I can do

87. to help you through your breakup with Robbie.

88. Oh. Thanks, but I'm fine.

89. And we're working.

90. Well, one of us is.

91. Are you sure you're fine?

92. 'Cause I heard you crying last night.

93. I don't cry.

94. I sold my tear ducts to an organ bank for cash two years ago.

95. I was on the couch.

96. And I heard you crying alone in your bedroom.

97. Really? What did the crying sound like?

98. Like...

99. I wasn't crying.

100. Well, then what were you d—

101. Oh! So none of my business.

102. That's right. And remember that.

103. Got it.

104. In fact, let's just say that anything having to do

105. with my bedroom, my tables, or my life—

106. you should stay away from.

107. Boundaries. Got it.

108. And please don't tell anyone at work

109. I let you move into my apartment.

110. That is one boundary we both don't want crossed.

111. Why?

112. Hey, roomies.

113. That's why.

114. Hope those sheets are okay.

115. Oh, don't worry about it.

116. I know they're the best you could afford.

117. Not really. The good ones are on my bed.

118. Max, that oven is so hot.

119. Could you do me a favor and open the back door?

120. We've known each other two days

121. and you're already asking for back door?

122. Dear God!

123. I forgot you're Equestrian Barbie.

124. You came with a horse.

125. No.

126. Out, horse, bad! Bad horse.

127. Chestnut.

128. No need to yell, he's a champion.

129. Champion stink bomb.

130. It's smelling pretty ripe out in that yard.

131. That's not Chestnut, that's Brooklyn.

132. Okay, well, I'm watching "The Champion"

133. drop some steaming hot "Brooklyn" right now.

134. Max, I've been thinking about how you completely overreacted

135. to your name up on the specials board.

136. Do you think it's a fear of success?

137. I am too poor to have a fear of success.

138. At Wharton Business School, we learned

139. that every new venture can bring up a certain amount of fear.

140. Is there any way to do a yelp review

141. of Wharton Business School?

142. Maybe you're having a hard time imagining

143. this cupcake business could ever even happen

144. because nobody ever believed in you or your dreams.

145. I'm guessing.

146. I can make this happen, Max.

147. For me, for you, for us.

148. Just keep making those amazing cupcakes.

149. And I'll do the rest till you believe.

150. I believe everything you just said

151. and that children are the future.

152. Max, it's me!

153. I know it's you.

154. You sleep with a knife under your pillow?

155. It's the only home security system I can afford.

156. And I'm a cutter.

157. I can't sleep on that couch.

158. I think Ikea might be the Scandinavian word for sciatica.

159. And there's weird sounds in the street.

160. And I don't have my white noise machine.

161. Well, that's Puerto Rican noise.

162. You'll get used to it.

163. Can I just lay down here and get a little sleep?

164. I don't even let the men I sleep with sleep with me.

165. I can't get into your issues right now.

166. I just need to sleep!

167. Fine, get in then.

168. What is that?

169. Potato chips. I sleep-eat.

170. Cool ranch and bacon?

171. Dude, they're delicious.

172. Because of your breakup with Robbie?

173. Just get in.

174. I have to be in the city to babysit in five hours.

175. Oh, great, you're like a nightlight.

176. You're so blonde.

177. Thank you.

178. Max, someone's in the living room.

179. Max, someone's in the bedroom!

180. Robbie!

181. What's up, babe?

182. Robbie, what are you doing here?

183. We broke up.

184. Still?

185. Yes, still. You hit on me.

186. And then she caught you with someone else

187. in these very sheets.

188. Which I'm hoping she washed.

189. Oh, I get it.

190. You blew me off 'cause you like the ladies.

191. Which is cool. I like the ladies, too.

192. And right now, it's the two ladies I like.

193. Robbie, if I were gonna go lesbian,

194. she would be the last "les" I'd "bian."

195. Listen, babe—

196. You really hurt her.

197. Stop.

198. She sleep-eats trans fats thanks to you.

199. Here, stuff all of these in your mouth.

200. Got it, your thing. I'll be quiet.

201. Robbie, this isn't cool at all.

202. Mm-mm.

203. Showing up here after what you did?

204. You go, girl.

205. I have something to say to you and you had better listen.

206. Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo.

207. What are you, the relationship ghost?

208. Robbie, just go!

209. I can't say what I need to in front of the relationship ghost.

210. I'll call you to come get your stuff

211. and we can talk then.

212. Leave the key.

213. Straight up, Max, you're breaking my heart.

214. You're the only woman that I feel this way about.

215. Here.

216. Ladies, I don't know what's going on here,

217. but it would've been a lot sexier if I was in it.

218. Are you okay?

219. If you wanna talk, I'm here.

220. Can I get a hit off that?

221. You think these are good?

222. God, we're poor.

223. Morning!

224. It's a beautiful day.

225. These shades belong down.

226. From now on, think of me as a vampire

227. without all the annoying marketing.

228. Bad news.

229. A pipe broke in the street so the water's off.

230. Good news, when I went out to get us two coffees,

231. I spoke to Juan and Javier, two city workers.

232. And they assured me the water'll be on no later than 3:00.

233. I also stopped at the health food store

234. and got us a fresh-squeezed juice to split.

235. It's ginger-apple-strawberry.

236. That was the name of the hooker

237. who had this apartment before me.

238. What is this?

239. From me.

240. It says "Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed last night."

241. I prefer my usual cash on the bedside table.

242. When I went to the cute coffee place,

243. I spoke to the counter girl, Nabulangi—

244. If someone named Nabulangi is making an appearance

245. in the first sentence, I have to sit down.

246. And she said her manager'll be in at 11:00.

247. So I thought I'd chanel it up,

248. walk on over there,

249. introduce myself and your fabulous cupcakes.

250. That's exactly what I was gonna do.

251. I'm just gonna go say good-bye to Chestnut and get going.

252. You know, having only one cute outfit

253. takes hours off getting dressed.

254. Oh. That is a lot of fresh Brooklyn.

255. Morning, Chestnut.

256. It's a beautiful—

257. No. Way.

258. Look, Chanel Number Two.

259. Tell me it's mud.

260. T-tell me it's mud.

261. It's mud?

262. What is that?

263. A carrot?

264. There's carrots in the mud?

265. There's no water.

266. Oh, get it off me, please.

267. Please do something.

268. Just get it off me, get it off me.

269. Stop!

270. This is dry-clean only.

271. Max, please, please take me

272. somewhere they have a hot shower, I beg of you.

273. Calm down, it's just mud.

274. Max, please—

275. Don't touch me!

276. Thank you so much for taking me to shower

277. at your babysitting job.

278. Well, I didn't have much of a choice.

279. You pulled the pillow knife on me.

280. I'll just introduce myself to your boss

281. and tell her what happened.

282. Look, I don't want Peach to know you were here.

283. This is a job. Not a meet-and-greet.

284. Got it.

285. You get in there, you take a five-minute shower,

286. clean it up and go.

287. Fine, I'll hide in the hallway till she's gone.

288. No need, just follow me in. She never really looks at me.

289. Morning!

290. Hi, Max.

291. Go!

292. Hey, Peach.

293. Uh, hair and makeup.

294. What's the big occasion?

295. Pilates.

296. Max, good news.

297. They found a way to make diamonds more sparkly?

298. I got Brad and Angelina a playdate

299. with another set of twins in the building.

300. It starts in five minutes.

301. Cool, what are their names?

302. 6B.

303. Bye-bye, Brangelina.

304. Mommy loves you.

305. Guys? Before you leave,

306. stop at this one.

307. Angelina could use a little help.

308. Contour that neck, she's a fatty.

309. Peach, come on, that's baby fat.

310. Still, kids can be cruel.

311. Don't you listen to your mommy, Angelina.

312. She never eats.

313. Oh, no, she doesn't.

314. Here it is.

315. Caroline with an "E."

316. I have your new and correct nametag.

317. Oh, thank you, Han.

318. Oh.

319. I've seen something I should not have.

320. I will just put correct nametag here on counter.

321. So sorry, but many thank yous.

322. What are you doing?

323. I know you said you don't want it up there.

324. But now that you see it...

325. How does it feel?

326. It feels like you're not listening to me

327. at this job or at my other job.

328. I said a five-minute shower and get out.

329. Did you take a nap at Peach's?

330. The thread count was calling to me.

331. Peach found blonde hairs in her bed

332. and thought her husband was cheating on her.

333. Which he is, but that's not the point.

334. You almost ruined a perfectly happy fake marriage,

335. and there are innocent children involved.

336. Well, I have some good news.

337. Look, it's Nabulangi.

338. I invited her in to taste your amazing cupcakes.

339. And when she loves them, we'll have an in at her bakery.

340. Come over and say hello.

341. No, I can't now. I wanna call Robbie before we get too busy.

342. Tell him when to come over and get his stuff.

343. Max, wait.

344. No, don't distract me.

345. I wanna sound cool and hot and all like,

346. "You can't have me anymore, sucka."

347. Max—

348. Robbie, it's me.

349. Classy burp on your outgoing message.

350. Max, I—

351. No.

352. I need you to come get your stuff tomorrow.

353. I don't know how you've been surviving

354. without your chin-up bar and Axe body spray.

355. Max, hang up.

356. I already called him.

357. You called Robbie?

358. You've done so much for me.

359. I wanted to do something for you, too.

360. So I called Robbie and I had him come over,

361. and I gave him his stuff.

362. Now you won't have to go through with all that mess.

363. And I think you'd be pleased, I really let him have it.

364. What is with you and boundaries?

365. You're in my bed, you're in my boss' bed,

366. and now you go and call Robbie?

367. You're like— you're like your big-ass horse.

368. Charging in everywhere you don't belong.

369. I thought I was doing you a favor.

370. In spite of what you say about the sounds I heard

371. coming from your bedroom the other night,

372. I know you're upset.

373. I was masturbating.

374. I love my job.

375. I need to see you outside. Now.

376. Don't get involved with her.

377. She takes money from the homeless.

378. Not true, Bob's an investor.

379. Be right back.

380. Good cupcake, right?

381. Max, I don't know how smart that was,

382. blowing by our only potential business contact.

383. You stole my breakup scene.

384. The only remotely good thing about breaking up with a guy

385. is telling him how much better you are than him

386. when you give him back his stuff.

387. I don't know if you noticed,

388. but my entertainment budget is pretty low

389. and I was really looking forward to that.

390. And then you went and stole it.

391. But I guess you couldn't help it,

392. 'cause that's what you channings do, you steal things.

393. Huh.

394. Interesting.

395. Okay, you wanted a breakup scene?

396. You're in one.

397. I'm breaking up with you.

398. Oh, okay.

399. The cupcake business is over, the dream is dead.

400. Oh, I'm sure Nabulangi will be devastated.

401. I don't need you or your cupcakes to survive.

402. I'll figure something else out.

403. Because, aside from your constant Wharton putdowns,

404. I'm a business genius

405. and I will always land on my feet.

406. Oh, really?

407. 'Cause today you kind of landed on your front.

408. We're done.

409. After work tonight, I'll get my things and be gone.

410. Ooh, you gonna load up your dream-filled wheelie bag

411. and ride away on sir muds-a-lot?

412. Go ahead. Be as negative as you want.

413. 'Cause you're in charge of your own future again.

414. Oh, joke's on you. I don't have a future.

415. Max...

416. Are you up?

417. No.

418. Max, are you mad?

419. Yes.

420. Are you up and mad?

421. No and yes.

422. Oh, your bed's so soft.

423. That's my boob.

424. I know I moved out, but I came back.

425. I took the rest of our dead dream money

426. and bought some cocktails for myself and some people.

427. And myself.

428. Did you bring me back any of those?

429. 'Cause I can't listen to this sober.

430. Max...

431. I have nothing.

432. I really need the cupcake business.

433. I can be different.

434. No, you can't.

435. No, I can't.

436. But I can be better.

437. Please?

438. Please, let's do this.

439. I know you have a fear of success.

440. You do, because no one ever believed in your dreams.

441. But I believe in your dreams.

442. We have a dream.

443. God, you are so drunk.

444. So you probably won't even remember this.

445. I'm sorry I said that stuff about your father.

446. Did you hear me?

447. Max, are you up?

448. Hey, do you have any more of those poor people chips?

449. What's up, hangover three?

450. Why are these up?

451. I thought we were vampires.

452. Here, I took the rest of last night's cupcake money,

453. and brought you a coffee and a fresh juice.

454. Which means that, after two days in business,

455. we are $23 down from where we were.

456. So we're still building our cupcake business?

457. Sure.

458. All we need is how much?

459. $250,000.

460. Which is awesome.

461. Max, I'm sorry I crossed all those boundaries.

462. It's cool.

463. Me and drunk Caroline worked it all out.

464. In fact...

465. She signed this paper.

466. "I, drunk Caroline, am a..."

467. What's that word?

468. Punk ass ho.

469. Thanks.

470. "I, drunk Caroline, am a punk ass ho.

471. "I promise to keep my big mouth shut,

472. "and replace all of Max's poor people chips.

473. I will no longer meddle in her relation-chips."

474. You laughed about that until you threw up.

475. Oh, and if you're wondering,

476. no, the puke stains will not void this contract.

477. God!

478. I forgot again that we have a horse.

479. Max, get him out of here.

480. He doesn't know I'm a waitress.

481. Chestnut.

482. He is a champion.

483. He learned that a lot faster than you did.