1. So that's three of our
delicious homemade cupcakes.
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2. Nope, can't. You touched them.
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3. Sorry, flu season, no health care.
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4. You realized I replaced that
purell with K.Y., right?
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5. Max, please say you're kidding.
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6. Of course, I'm kidding.
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7. I can't afford lube.
I just use my tears.
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8. Max, seriously, don't mess
with my hand sanitizer.
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9. I've already caught poverty this year
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10. and I refuse to catch the flu.
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11. I just have to keep cleaning
my hands and not touch anyone.
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12. Caroline, I have check from table ten.
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13. Okay, just place it right there.
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14. That's a big tip, wow...
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15. You know, in Indonesia,
you'd be married now.
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16. I'm gonna get sick, I know it.
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17. You're fine.
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18. Fine? Han just unloaded into my mouth.
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19. Congratulations, you both
finally got some action.
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20. I can't afford to get
sick and miss work.
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21. I need to get some antibiotics.
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22. You are poor now.
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23. Poor people don't just run
out and buy antibiotics.
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24. We man up, grow a pair,
stare germs in the face.
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25. Like this French fry from that
guy who couldn't stop coughing.
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26. Max, no, no... oh!
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27. Mmm.
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28. Booyah!
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29. And I haven't ever been
sick or to a clinic.
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30. And, no, planned
parenthood doesn't count.
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31. Well, well, well, she
weebles and she wobbles,
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32. but she don't fall down.
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33. Oh, Earl, you're so naughty and nice.
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34. And I'll be checking you out twice.
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35. Hey, Sophie, sit anywhere you like.
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36. Oh, uh, let's see.
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37. Where is lighting that will
make me look most attractive?
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38. What am I saying?
I look good everywhere.
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39. I am meeting man for first
time that I met online.
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40. I wonder if he's here yet.
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41. Well unless you've been cruising
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42. singles who don't leave
enough singles, I'd say no.
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43. You know, Max, if my date
turned out to be big bust...
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44. what, bigger than ours?
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45. Then you come over and say that
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46. something suddenly came up
and that I have to go, okay?
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47. Oh, my gosh, this must be him.
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48. You must be Sophie Kuchenski.
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49. I'm Serguisz Bilowski.
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50. Oh.
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51. Wow, I love your dress, I love that!
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52. Something came up and you have to go.
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53. No, no this is perfect.
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54. Would you like to sit down?
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55. Just let me run to the
little boys rooms first.
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56. - Okay?
- Okay.
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57. Who is that?
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58. That's Sophie's new boyfriend.
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59. I see, and where's his boyfriend?
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60. Hello.
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61. Nice to see you again.
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62. I'm wearing my velour
especially for you.
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63. And right now, it's the
only thing soft about me.
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64. Please go away before my date
comes back from the men's room.
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65. You have brought other man in here?
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66. Yes, I met him on Polish dating site.
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67. you didn't have to go online.
You could meet my pole any time.
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68. No, this will never happen.
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69. You're not my type.
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70. Well, what is your type?
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71. Wow, they have those automatic
hand dryers that blow you.
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72. I love being blown like that.
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73. Those look like two giant
orange traffic cones.
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74. Are you trying to tell
me not to park there?
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75. This is a lady.
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76. Show her some respect.
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77. Sophie has new man in her life.
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78. I am so mad I cannot see straight.
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79. Well, I'm looking right at him
and I don't see straight either.
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80. Max, I think I'm running a slight fever.
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81. Feel my forehead.
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82. Look, you should have learned by now...
I don't feel anything.
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83. Caroline, I've written
down address of drug store
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84. in South Williamsburg that
has a doctor on site.
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85. Here, I will pay for it.
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86. Unless it is cancer.
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87. Then I'm out.
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88. And, Max, here is check for table seven.
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89. Booyah!
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90. How long is it gonna
take to see a doctor?
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91. I'm definitely getting something...
I'm pre-sick.
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92. I'm stage one pre-sick.
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93. I need penicillin.
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94. I told you before, you have to man up
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95. and not give in to this sick stuff.
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96. I'm not like you.
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97. I have actual things I feel.
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98. Menachem Goldman.
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99. Menachem Goldman.
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100. This must be the orthodox
Jewish neighborhood.
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101. Either that or we're in ZZ Top-ville.
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102. Max, have some respect.
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103. Hey, I got nothing but respect.
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104. They basically invented southern rock.
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105. I love the Jewish people.
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106. Whenever I felt sick
before, I'd just pop over
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107. to the townhouse next
door and visit Dr. Klein.
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108. So your love was contingent on pills?
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109. We're not that different.
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110. Actually, the Kleins
and I were very close.
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111. I was invited to many a
passover in their home.
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112. In fact, they called
me their honorary Jew.
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113. Rivka Shemshelewitz.
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114. Rivka Shemshelewitz.
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115. Well, you're no Rivka Shemshelewitz.
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116. Mrs. Klein always said
I had a bissel Jew.
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117. You had a Jewish vacuum cleaner?
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118. No. Bissel.
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119. It's a Yiddish word. It means little.
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120. And this one time I had a bissel flu
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121. and she brought me
chicken soup every day.
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122. So why don't you just
give Dr. Klein a call?
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123. I did three times and no return.
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124. I guess he doesn't want
anything to do with me anymore
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125. because of my father's
financial scandal.
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126. All those years I
thought we were family.
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127. Guess not.
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128. I don't know, ignoring your
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129. needs and pretending you don't exist?
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130. Sounds like family to me.
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131. Caroline Channing, Caroline Channing.
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132. Finally.
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133. Let me do the talking.
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134. I learned a lot of
Hebrew from Mrs. Klein.
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135. These are my people.
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136. Hello, shalom.
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137. Very good, you wanna squeeze in
a couple more before sundown?
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138. Wow, you're as bad as
me trying to be Irish
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139. at the blarney rose for a free beer.
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140. Yar, can I get me a cerveza?
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141. What can I get you ladies,
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142. besides skirts that
are more appropriate?
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143. Sorry, I didn't know it was
an orthodox neighborhood.
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144. You know what, we could just tie
our coats around our waists.
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145. Max?
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146. Oh, and look at the breasts on this one.
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147. Coat on or off? Make up your mind.
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148. No, Bubala, I'm just saying,
with those big breasts
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149. and that gorgeous hair it's
like looking in a mirror.
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150. It's been a few years, but trust
me, under this wig and smock,
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151. spitting image of you.
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152. Here you go, Esther Rachael.
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153. How else do you think I landed
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154. a handsome doctor like my Anshell?
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155. Oh, doctor?
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156. Doctor? Doctor, if you could...
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157. oh, oh, what is that
Hebrew word for wait?
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158. You might wanna start
peppering in some English.
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159. Now, Chava?
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160. Now you're telling me
you're too sick to bake.
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161. I need 80 cupcakes.
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162. The bar mitzvah is tomorrow.
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163. You're dead to me! See you next week.
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164. - We could help.
- We can?
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165. Yeah, give me the card.
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166. Hi, I'm Max and my friend and I
here have a cupcake business
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167. and we'd be happy to
bake as many cupcakes
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168. as you need for the bar mitzvah.
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169. I mean, you need cake, we make cake.
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170. It's bashert.
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171. Look, enough with the "it's a
small Hebrew world after all."
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172. How does 250 sound?
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173. No way, 275.
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174. I have to bake all morning.
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175. It's like looking in a mirror.
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176. They're kosher, right?
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177. Are they kosher? Look at me.
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178. Like looking in a mirror.
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179. Good, I'll call you with the address.
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180. Esther Rachael, if I could
talk to you husband
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181. about getting some antibiotics...
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182. sorry, sundown.
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183. Okay, I've got the kosher
cookbook, salt, flour, sugar,
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184. new mixing bowls, and I
stopped at the goodwill
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185. and got us two appropriately
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186. sad schmatas to wear for tomorrow.
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187. Let's start.
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188. Start? I'm already half done.
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189. How could you be half done?
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190. You didn't have any kosher ingredients.
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191. Oh, they'll never know, we'll just
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192. tell them they're kosher.
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193. Oh, my God, we can't do that.
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194. Oh, my God, we just did.
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195. They have to be kosher.
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196. Do you want God to smite us?
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197. What's he gonna do?
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198. Take away all my good
luck and your fortune?
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199. You think all those things
labeled low fat are low fat?
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200. It is just a sales gimmick.
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201. I had a low cal ice cream bar once
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202. that popped my top Jean button.
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203. Kosher isn't a sales gimmick.
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204. It's thousands of years of tradition.
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205. We have to respect that.
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206. I don't respect anyone's tradition.
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207. That's kind of my tradition.
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208. Well maybe that's because
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209. you didn't grow up around a family.
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210. Hey, I grew up with a lot of families.
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211. The Manson family, the Jackson
family, the Menendezes.
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212. Wait, is that Menendezes or Menen-di?
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213. Either way, they were
like brothers to me.
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214. Max, we are doing these
straight up kosher.
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215. Fine.
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216. But return those new bowls,
I don't need them.
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217. I can just dump the bacon
bits out of this old one.
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218. Max, please, let's just
start the cupcakes over,
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219. drop them off, get me some antibiotics,
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220. come home, and put me to bed.
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221. All right, I'll make them kosher.
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222. I mean, it's the least
you could do after you
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223. lied to that woman and let her
think you were one of them.
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224. Hey, I don't know who my father is.
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225. I could be half Jewish.
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226. Although it's more likely
I'm half bartender
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227. who demanded my mom figure
out a way to pay her tab.
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228. - Hey!
- Hello.
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229. Serguisz and I are on
way up to my apartment.
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230. He's making me brunch.
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231. Cornish hens splashed
with my special sauce.
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232. I love special sauce, I love that!
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233. Yeah, and I stopped by because
I was hoping you girls
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234. might have some spare
cupcakes for dessert.
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235. Only about 40 of them.
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236. Oh, good!
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237. I'll go up and get started.
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238. Sophie, can I have you keys?
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239. - Oh, yeah.
- Cute place.
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240. Ah, I have keychain just like this.
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241. We are birds of a feather.
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242. I love that!
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243. See, girls.
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244. This is what I like
about my new boyfriend.
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245. He loves so many things.
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246. And vagina ain't one of them.
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247. Max!
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248. We don't know that.
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249. Sexuality is more fluid these days.
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250. It's okay. He's big, big gay.
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251. So... You know he's gay?
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252. Oh, know it?
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253. I prefer it.
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254. Yeah, my ex-husband
was large male bully.
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255. Yeah, all rough sex
and stains in shorts.
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256. Now all I want is a man who
will spoon me and stay soft.
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257. But what about sex?
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258. Oh, no one does me better than me.
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259. That's the last of them.
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260. Look at us.
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261. I think we look very nice.
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262. Really?
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263. I think we look like the Olson twins.
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264. Well hello, girls.
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265. You look very lovely.
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266. Mazel tov to the family.
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267. What a mitzvah to be part of this day.
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268. How bashert.
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269. Oh, we're still on that ride?
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270. I'm sorry.
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271. It's just, I'm so happy to be
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272. in your warm and wonderful home.
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273. I was very close to my
neighbors, the Kleins.
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274. In fact, they called
me their honorary Jew.
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275. Stop now.
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276. This is like when you tell Earl
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277. you're practically black.
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278. We'll just get our money and go.
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279. Take our money and go?
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280. What are we, barbarians?
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281. Stay and celebrate a little.
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282. But, out here in the kitchen,
away from the men.
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283. Sit, eat, come.
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284. Three of my favorite things to do.
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285. Good looks and funny. What a catch.
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286. Hadassa, hand me a spoon.
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287. All 100% kosher and so
gorgeous you could plotz.
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288. This one's seen some
Streisand movies, yes?
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289. Wait until you taste my kugel.
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290. Oh, I love kugel.
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291. Tell me, Esther Rachael, are you
ashkenzi or sephardic Jews?
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292. Someone's been on the Internet.
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293. No way, this is a pasta and a dessert?
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294. Ooh, there he is.
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295. My only son. My little angel.
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296. The bar mitzvah boy who,
today, becomes a man.
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297. Girls, this is Shmuley and his
friend from next door, David.
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298. Say hello to the girls who
made the cupcakes, boys.
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299. Nice to meet you.
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300. Hadassa, Devorah, enough.
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301. Thank you, go.
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302. Enjoy the party.
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303. Have more kugel.
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304. I'll go ask my husband for your money.
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305. See, this is what I love, Max.
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306. The family, the tradition.
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307. The lasagna with the crazy raisins.
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308. And those two little boys,
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309. could they have been more precious?
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310. Yo, yo, yo, what up cupcake bitches?
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311. I'm fixin' to marry me a beeyatch
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312. who bakes like this, son.
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313. Uh, I don't know what's going on,
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314. but I'm pretty sure
boys and girls aren't
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315. supposed to be socializing, right?
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316. Damn, sweetness, your lips are moving
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317. but your ass is doing all the talking.
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318. Uh... Is that Yiddish?
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319. Oh, boys, there you are, come on.
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320. Say goodbye to the cupcake ladies.
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321. Nice to meet you.
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322. Did that just happen or has
my fever suddenly spiked?
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323. That's the first time I ever saw anyone
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324. acting all pimp who still had pimples.
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325. Yo, yo, yo!
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326. And they're back.
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327. What up, Shawties?
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328. What's crackalackin?
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329. Yo, today my boy became a mans.
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330. That's right.
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331. Got my bar mitzvah done, son.
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332. Preach!
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333. So let's get to it.
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334. How much of my mitzvah
money is it gonna take
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335. for you to pop that top and serve me up
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336. some super fine taytays?
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337. Dude, there is not
enough money in the...
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338. how much are we talking?
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339. Max!
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340. Yo, don't get all jealous, vanilla cone.
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341. How about you turn around
and make it pop for daddy?
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342. How would you like it
if I told your mother
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343. right on the other side of that door
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344. how you boys were in
here disrespecting us?
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345. How is you gonna say anything
with your mouth full?
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346. Damn, son!
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347. Come in here, ma. This way.
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348. Don't say anything to her.
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349. Let's just get our money
and get out of here.
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350. Max, she should know.
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351. You wanna ruin their
day and not get paid?
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352. Just keep it to yourself for
five minutes and we're gone.
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353. I want you to meet my
mother, Hinda Fagel.
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354. Ma, this is Max who made
the kosher cupcakes.
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355. And I'm Caroline.
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356. What did the shicksa say?
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357. She said her name is Caroline.
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358. Who cares what her name is?
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359. She looks like the people that
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360. stole my grandmother's good hutch.
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361. But look at this one.
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362. It's like looking in a mirror.
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363. Oy, she's got a fever.
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364. Oh, Max, oh honey, you're burning up.
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365. Oh, no way, I don't get sick.
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366. I get sick.
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367. You're sick.
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368. You'll come, you'll lie down.
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369. Oh, I'm really fine.
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370. We'll just get our money and head home.
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371. Nonsense. You'll see my husband.
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372. The doctor.
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373. Stop, wait, where are you taking her?
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374. I'm the one who gets sick.
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375. What did she say?
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376. She says she wants your hutch.
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377. You poor baby.
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378. You have a fever of 102.
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379. Just have to rest, Bubala.
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380. I'm really fine.
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381. That towel thing feels awesome.
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382. It's a cold compress, it'll
bring your fever down.
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383. My husband should be in any minute.
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384. Thanks.
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385. I think it's only right to tell you,
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386. I don't know a lot about
my background, so...
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387. I might not be Jewish.
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388. Please, look at you.
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389. You could be my daughter.
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390. I would have liked that.
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391. Always wanted a daughter.
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392. I always wanted a mother.
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393. Oh, did your mother die young?
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394. Sadly, no.
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395. Ooh, you need a kiss.
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396. Oh, good your soup is ready.
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397. Ess a bissel, tatelleh.
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398. Bissel?
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399. I know bissel.
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400. Of course you do. You're Jewish.
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401. Okay, I'm Jewish, what the hell.
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402. Oh, we don't believe in hell.
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403. We don't?
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404. Awesome.
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405. Oh, thanks.
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406. Call me Bubby.
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407. Thanks, Bubby.
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408. No one's ever blown on my soup before.
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409. What's wrong with them?
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410. Oh, there he go!
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411. That's what's up, hooker.
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412. First of all, you just scuffed
his mother's freshly-waxed floor
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413. and secondly, you may think
throwing away your family
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414. traditions is cool now, but in
life, bad things can happen.
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415. And one day, when you find
yourself penniless and sick,
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416. you'll need your nice Jewish family
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417. and you'll call them three times
and they won't answer the phone
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418. no matter how much you need antibiotics.
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419. Damn, boo, I stopped listening
after you said freshly-waxed.
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420. Playa!
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421. Max, I'm giving you some amoxicillin
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422. for you to take home.
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423. Now take it all, even when you
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424. start feeling better.
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425. Yes, Dr. Anshell.
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426. Look what I brought.
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427. Sweets for the sweets.
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428. Ooh.
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429. Uh, wait, wait, wait,
before you eat those,
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430. remember how I said I
might not be Jewish?
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431. - Yes.
- Those might not be kosher.
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432. - What are you saying?
- I'm saying they're not kosher.
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433. What is she saying?
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434. Not kosher!
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435. - What?
- Not kosher!
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436. Spit it out, ma!
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437. Spit it out!
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438. Just a minute, it tastes so good.
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439. - You like that?
- Stop.
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440. - You like that?
- Stop it.
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441. - You like that?
- S... that's it!
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442. Listen, hit me with one
more dead president
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443. and you'll be six feet under
with Biggie and Tupac.
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444. You understand me, Jew-Tang Clan?
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445. Skinny bitch came to play!
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446. What kind of girl brings
non-kosher cupcakes
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447. into a kosher home?
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448. Not me... I'm not that kind of girl.
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449. Yeah, hi, I think I'm that kind of girl.
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450. Max, what are you talking about?
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451. I made sure every single one of those
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452. was up to a rabbi's high standard.
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453. Yes, well, maybe my rabbi didn't
have such high standards.
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454. I'm so sorry, I burned some
and we were running late
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455. and I figured, four
non-kosher out of 80.
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456. So close.
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457. Max, I told you how important
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458. all those traditions are
to a Jewish family.
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459. Yes, you told me about
tradition and family,
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460. but none of that meant anything
until I felt that cold compress.
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461. And she was nice enough
to put it on my head
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462. and I felt what that feels like.
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463. And then Bubby blew on my soup
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464. before she ate the non-kosher cupcake.
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465. Wait, Bubby ate a non-kosher cupcake?
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466. It's a shanda!
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467. It is a shanda.
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468. I'm hoping shanda means
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469. you're forgiven and
we'll pay you anyway.
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470. We are not taking any money.
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471. That's right, you're
not taking anything.
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472. Except for this compress.
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473. Feel better.
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474. Now go, get out of my sight.
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475. And don't wear short skirts.
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476. Esther Rachel,
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477. I wanna talk to you about your son
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478. Shmuley's behavior today.
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479. What are you talking about?
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480. What did my Shmuley do?
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481. I'll tell you what he did.
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482. He became a man.
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483. That's all he did.
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484. Right, Caroline?
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485. I'll say he became a man.
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486. What are you talking about?
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487. Shmuley!
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488. Stay out of it,
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489. this is not our family.
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490. You and I don't have a family.
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491. They still do.
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492. Let the police tell her about him.
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493. So about my Shmuley.
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494. What do you have to say?
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495. Mazel tov, he's a
wonderful, wonderful boy.
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496. Oh, there you are.
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497. Shmuley, David, say goodbye
to the cupcake girls.
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498. Nice to meet you.
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499. Thank you.
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500. So I see no Max.
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501. She still out sick?
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502. It's her first night back.
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503. She should be here any minute.
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504. Did you wanna order something
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505. or wait for your boyfriend?
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506. Oh, see, this is sad story.
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507. Uh, he broke off with
me to date other woman.
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508. And she had penis.
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509. Yeah, I can't compete with that.
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510. Hi, Earl.
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511. There she is, my long lost love.
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512. How you feeling, Max?
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513. I'm pretty good.
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514. Hey, Bubby.
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515. I brought you some chicken soup
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516. for taking care of me
the last couple days.
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517. I enjoyed being your Bubby.
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518. I guess you were wrong, Max.
You and I do have family...
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519. each other.
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520. We're not family until we have
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521. to testify against each other
in a manslaughter trial.
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522. Here, eat this.
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523. I don't want you to
catch what I just had.
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524. Not gonna happen, Max.
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525. I took your advice.
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526. I manned up.
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527. I stared germs in the face.
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528. That's right, when you
got sick, I got balls.
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529. Booyah!
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530. Like looking in a mirror.
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