1. Look, if you want to get all
lesbian with me, just go for it.Copy !req
2. You don't have to pretend
it's for the website.Copy !req
3. It is.Copy !req
4. And for the record, in 2009,
when Katy PerryCopy !req
5. "kissed a girl and liked it,"
I kissed one and didn't.Copy !req
6. Ready?Copy !req
7. One... two... and...Copy !req
8. - Perfect.
- Perfect?Copy !req
9. This photo does not say "Let us
do your child's birthday party."Copy !req
10. It says "We're an AC/DC tribute band,"Copy !req
11. and you can pay us in cocaine."Copy !req
12. Oleg,Copy !req
13. will you take a picture
of us for our website?Copy !req
14. You realize you just asked a manCopy !req
15. who only takes pictures of his penis?Copy !req
16. Yes.Copy !req
17. But it's always well-lit,
and perfectly in focus.Copy !req
18. You won't be disappointed.Copy !req
19. I take lots of website pictures.Copy !req
20. Yeah, but we're not wearing
just bras and chicken masks.Copy !req
21. We have time.Copy !req
22. Maybe we should rethink
the "coke whore" picture.Copy !req
23. Well, good night, ladies.Copy !req
24. Sleep tight, don't let
the bed bugs bite.Copy !req
25. And I remember a time in New YorkCopy !req
26. when that was more cute than accurate.Copy !req
27. - Good night, Earl.
- Good night.Copy !req
28. Earl, I have come acrossCopy !req
29. a $6 inaccuracy in tonight's total.Copy !req
30. You must go over all checks again.Copy !req
31. Han, I'm just on my way home.Copy !req
32. But it is not yet 2:00 A.M.Copy !req
33. I hate to play the heavy,Copy !req
34. but you must sit down and
go over checks again.Copy !req
35. Han, I am 75 years old.Copy !req
36. I don't even have enough
time left to wipe twice.Copy !req
37. Well, well.Copy !req
38. Hello there.Copy !req
39. Such a gentleman.Copy !req
40. And what a well-behaved boy.Copy !req
41. Oh, there are the girls.Copy !req
42. Sophie, hello.Copy !req
43. You look pretty.Copy !req
44. Oh, I know.Copy !req
45. Oh, sorry, the kitchen's closed.Copy !req
46. - What?
- Kitchen was closed...Copy !req
47. But can now be open againCopy !req
48. for such a beautiful woman.Copy !req
49. Hello. I am the chef.Copy !req
50. Oh, here we go.Copy !req
51. Ukraine's going to try to invade Poland.Copy !req
52. It's double d-day.Copy !req
53. Oleg, this is our neighbor, Sophie.Copy !req
54. I would like to have a
plate with sausage on itCopy !req
55. while I look over the menu.Copy !req
56. Yowza.Copy !req
57. You are like someone super-sized
Victoria's secret angel.Copy !req
58. I'd like to Gisele on your Bundchens.Copy !req
59. You're going to act like a dog,Copy !req
60. I'll treat you like a dog.Copy !req
61. Well, there goes his photography career.Copy !req
62. Do you still want the sausage?Copy !req
63. Yes, of course.
Why should sausage suffer?Copy !req
64. You know how to handle yourself.Copy !req
65. - Impressive.
- Mm-hmm.Copy !req
66. That was like a game of
"rock, paper, pervert."Copy !req
67. Sophie, thank you for coming in.Copy !req
68. Max and I wanted to talk
to you about taking you upCopy !req
69. on your offer to work for
your cleaning company.Copy !req
70. Yeah, she wants to do it for
money to pay for our website,Copy !req
71. and I want to do itCopy !req
72. because I like rummaging through
strangers' medicine cabinets.Copy !req
73. Have you cleaned houses before?Copy !req
74. Well, I had a house,
and it was very clean.Copy !req
75. But whatever the task,
you won't be sorry.Copy !req
76. Max and I are a great team,Copy !req
77. and when we set our mind to
something, we accomplish it.Copy !req
78. - And if you consider giving us...
- Oh, stop.Copy !req
79. This is not a dental school interview.Copy !req
80. Come on, this is scrubbing toilets.Copy !req
81. In or out?Copy !req
82. We're in. All the way.Copy !req
83. In my experience, when
someone has to tell youCopy !req
84. they're all the way in,Copy !req
85. you'd better hope their tongue works.Copy !req
86. So dirty.Copy !req
87. We can start tomorrow.Copy !req
88. Just tell us where to
go, and we'll be there.Copy !req
89. Oh, okay.Copy !req
90. Well, uh, you walk out your door,Copy !req
91. you take right, you go upstairs,Copy !req
92. you open my door, and
you clean my apartment.Copy !req
93. Is audition.Copy !req
94. Can't I just take off my
shirt like in fame?Copy !req
95. Excuse me.Copy !req
96. Here is your non-sexual appetizer.Copy !req
97. You and I will start small.Copy !req
98. You like?Copy !req
99. Yes.Copy !req
100. Good boy. Now go.Copy !req
101. Forced to clean Sophie's apartment?Copy !req
102. This is getting dicey.Copy !req
103. Next thing you know,
we're locked in a crateCopy !req
104. on our way to the far east.Copy !req
105. Max, we're going to spend
this money on our website.Copy !req
106. That's the future of our company.Copy !req
107. But the future is so far in the future,Copy !req
108. and I need this money
now for real stuff,Copy !req
109. like gummi bears and eye liner.Copy !req
110. How do you think you get to the future?Copy !req
111. Uh, Marty McFly and a delorean?Copy !req
112. Besides, we don't need the website yet.Copy !req
113. We got the birthday cupcake
job tomorrow without it.Copy !req
114. And where do you think we got that job?Copy !req
115. I don't know, the job fairy?Copy !req
116. What? I don't pay attention
to the business stuff.Copy !req
117. I got the order at the
web design companyCopy !req
118. when I overheard someone say it
was his son's fifth birthday.Copy !req
119. Gross. Using children
for your own profit.Copy !req
120. Way to go, China.Copy !req
121. Well, here we are.Copy !req
122. Why is this big news?Copy !req
123. Come in.Copy !req
124. So, if this all works out today,Copy !req
125. I have two possible jobs for you.Copy !req
126. Two? That's amazing.Copy !req
127. This is the only way
that I can make sureCopy !req
128. that you don't ruin my
company's good name.Copy !req
129. 'Cause I work hard to
build "Sophie's choice."Copy !req
130. Now, uh, one of you take bathroomCopy !req
131. and one of you take out here.Copy !req
132. Who does which?Copy !req
133. Bathroom. I'm going to go with bathroom.Copy !req
134. I love a challenge.Copy !req
135. If not perfect clean, no job.Copy !req
136. Begin.Copy !req
137. Watch out, ladies.Copy !req
138. I'm about to go ham on this b-room.Copy !req
139. What is this "ham"?Copy !req
140. Hard as a mother.Copy !req
141. Max, I love when you're dirty.Copy !req
142. Oh. Very impressive.Copy !req
143. You cleanCopy !req
144. like bull.Copy !req
145. Roar of cleaning.Copy !req
146. No big deal.Copy !req
147. I was lifting up couches when I was sixCopy !req
148. to help my mom look for change
and her boyfriend's tooth.Copy !req
149. I'm almost finished in here!Copy !req
150. This one like to make big announcementsCopy !req
151. - about nothing, yes?
- Yes.Copy !req
152. Hey, does that electric cigarette work?Copy !req
153. Yes, yeah.Copy !req
154. I smoked for seven years, and
then I quit when I was 12.Copy !req
155. Yeah, I didn't want
to die of lung cancerCopy !req
156. before I was teenager.Copy !req
157. Can I get a hit?Copy !req
158. Oh, yeah, please, try.Copy !req
159. I have many more in the drawers.Copy !req
160. I smoked the summer I shucked
oysters on a gay cruise.Copy !req
161. Ooh, glamorous.Copy !req
162. Almost done. Two-minute warning.Copy !req
163. Be prepared to be amazed.Copy !req
164. Max, you shouldn't smoke. You'll get...Copy !req
165. What, electrocuted?Copy !req
166. This is silly.Copy !req
167. If I'm going to suck
on something this hardCopy !req
168. and get no pleasure out of it,
I should just date.Copy !req
169. I think you're going to be thrilled.Copy !req
170. Oh, she stinks.Copy !req
171. Spritz, spritz. She is sprayer.Copy !req
172. All mirror, no toilet.Copy !req
173. Well, you know, she's sort
of new to this kind of work.Copy !req
174. She was born rich,Copy !req
175. but her father stole a bunch
of money from people,Copy !req
176. and she was thrown out of her
townhouse and disgraced.Copy !req
177. Yes, well, she clean like rich girl.Copy !req
178. "Hey, everybody, look,
look what I'm doing.Copy !req
179. Oh, spritz, spritz."Copy !req
180. Oh!Copy !req
181. See, you not born rich,Copy !req
182. and you... you're like "roar."Copy !req
183. - Right?
- Well.Copy !req
184. Cleaning's not her thing, but
she has other strengths.Copy !req
185. Mm, I don't see them.Copy !req
186. Mm.Copy !req
187. Uh, so do we not have the job?Copy !req
188. No, I give you job,Copy !req
189. because one bull equal two girls.Copy !req
190. But why you need her, I don't know.Copy !req
191. You can make much more
money on your own.Copy !req
192. Yeah, well, we're kind of a team.Copy !req
193. Listen, Max. Let me tell you something.Copy !req
194. She is like rock, tied to you, balloon.Copy !req
195. See, she hold you down.Copy !req
196. You cut her loose, and...Copy !req
197. Yeah, well, she's not weighing me down.Copy !req
198. I had lover who was rock.Copy !req
199. And I let him go, and...Copy !req
200. I'm finished, and I have
to say, that bathroom?Copy !req
201. Nailed it.Copy !req
202. Don't push it. She saw it.Copy !req
203. She barely looked at it.
I saw you in the mirror.Copy !req
204. Your eye never even looked down.Copy !req
205. Yes, that's because this
eye doesn't go down.Copy !req
206. See, I'm trying.Copy !req
207. Yeah, I have blind spot
from accident as child.Copy !req
208. When I was six years old,Copy !req
209. while working in Polish knock-offCopy !req
210. of McDonalds in warsaw,Copy !req
211. I fell on hot McStick.Copy !req
212. How did you fall on a hot stick?Copy !req
213. Not a stick that is hot. A hot McStick.Copy !req
214. It's meat on a stick,
and it's very popular.Copy !req
215. They only have it, like,
two times a year.Copy !req
216. It's like Mcribs.Copy !req
217. Sophie, I'm so sorry, that's awful.Copy !req
218. Yeah, but I bet that McStick
thing is delicious.Copy !req
219. It is.Copy !req
220. Well, that must have been hard.Copy !req
221. I admire your courage.Copy !req
222. What are you, counsellor from UNICEF?Copy !req
223. You are acing this interview.Copy !req
224. Pffft...Copy !req
225. Do you know where we are?Copy !req
226. This whole building is models.Copy !req
227. Life is so funny.Copy !req
228. When I lived in Manhattan,Copy !req
229. I used to come to model
parties here all the time.Copy !req
230. And now you clean up their poop.Copy !req
231. You're right. Life is funny.Copy !req
232. Here's the apartment upstairs tomorrow.Copy !req
233. - 10 J. Here it is.
- How do I look?Copy !req
234. Maybe he's the Abercrombie
model from the Christmas adCopy !req
235. in the white sleighCopy !req
236. with the open fleece
jacket and the eight-pack.Copy !req
237. I don't think it's him.Copy !req
238. Hi, I'm Big Bill.Copy !req
239. Come on in, girlies.Copy !req
240. How many packs did you say?Copy !req
241. Oh, what a lovely... oh!Copy !req
242. Oh, my God.Copy !req
243. Look, Max, he's a figure skater.Copy !req
244. Go ahead, take it all in.Copy !req
245. How could you not?Copy !req
246. It's okay, I'm a model. I'm used to it.Copy !req
247. Hey, I know you. You're the Big Bill.Copy !req
248. You're the guy from the
gag greeting cards.Copy !req
249. Yep. I sold 2 million of
that particular card.Copy !req
250. On the front it says, "You're on,"Copy !req
251. when you open it up...Copy !req
252. - "Thin ice"!
- Right.Copy !req
253. Oh, I've got to go in
my bedroom and change.Copy !req
254. I'll be right back.Copy !req
255. Wow, Big Bill!Copy !req
256. No, big bye-bye.Copy !req
257. We're not staying here.Copy !req
258. If that's what's on the wall,Copy !req
259. who knows what's on the floor.Copy !req
260. Or trapped underneath it.Copy !req
261. This is an uncomfortable
work environment.Copy !req
262. You were going to be on all
fours scrubbing a toilet.Copy !req
263. It was always going to be an
uncomfortable work environment.Copy !req
264. Okay, if we're staying,
that's three timesCopy !req
265. the amount of man.
We should get double the money.Copy !req
266. I'm calling Sophie right nowCopy !req
267. and telling her we should get more.Copy !req
268. Um, I would not suggest
you complain to Sophie.Copy !req
269. It's not a good idea.Copy !req
270. Why? Do you know something I don't?Copy !req
271. She thinks you don't know how to clean,Copy !req
272. that you spritz, spritz.Copy !req
273. And what does she say about
your cleaning skills?Copy !req
274. I'm a bull and I roar.Copy !req
275. I knew she didn't like me.Copy !req
276. She only has eye for you.Copy !req
277. Who cares what she thinks.
Just clean better today.Copy !req
278. You do the living room.
I'll do the bathroom.Copy !req
279. No, I'll do the bathroom,
just to prove a point.Copy !req
280. I mean, reprove it.Copy !req
281. This is just like whenCopy !req
282. they made me take the S.A.T.S again,Copy !req
283. away from all the asian kids.Copy !req
284. Oh! Oh, my God!Copy !req
285. Why are you freaking out?Copy !req
286. You've already seen him naked.Copy !req
287. It's not him.Copy !req
288. Have you seen the size of this toilet?Copy !req
289. That is a big-ass toilet.Copy !req
290. Literally.Copy !req
291. Max, I'm finished.Copy !req
292. The floor is so clean
you could eat off it,Copy !req
293. and I'm sure he will.Copy !req
294. Come on in, I want you to see it.Copy !req
295. No, no, no, no, no, no.Copy !req
296. Go down, go down, stop. Never mind!Copy !req
297. Don't need you to see it.
Everything's okay.Copy !req
298. How's it going out there?Copy !req
299. Either your water just broke,
or you pee like a smurf.Copy !req
300. My shoes.Copy !req
301. No, you did not flush a
whole roll of paper towels.Copy !req
302. No, you did not just
use that tone with meCopy !req
303. when my good shoes are wet.Copy !req
304. Shut off the valve.Copy !req
305. The valve?Copy !req
306. Oh, God, what is wrong with you?Copy !req
307. How can you not know
where a toilet valve is?Copy !req
308. I was rich.Copy !req
309. But you have to admit, the mirror?Copy !req
310. Nailed it.Copy !req
311. Wake up, you lazy bitch!Copy !req
312. - What?
- Fire!Copy !req
313. I'm fired? Why, because of the toilet?Copy !req
314. Look at the oven, the cupcakes.Copy !req
315. I'm sorry. I fell asleep.Copy !req
316. I was just going to lay
down for five minutes.Copy !req
317. I asked you to do one thingCopy !req
318. while I went out to get more milk...Copy !req
319. Take the cupcakes out of the oven.Copy !req
320. "Happy Birthday, kids.
From Max's homemade cupcakes.Copy !req
321. "You can learn more about us
and our blackened cupcakesCopy !req
322. on our expensive website."Copy !req
323. I'm sorry, Max.Copy !req
324. I just really needed a little
siesta after all that cleaning.Copy !req
325. How are you so good at Spanish
and so bad at cleaning?Copy !req
326. What is that smell?Copy !req
327. I grabbed my purse and ran.Copy !req
328. Caroline burned cupcakes.Copy !req
329. Oh, so sad.Copy !req
330. Look at all those burnt cakes.Copy !req
331. What happened here?Copy !req
332. Just a little mishap.Copy !req
333. I was so tired from cleaning
that bathroom earlier,Copy !req
334. that I laid my head
down for five minutesCopy !req
335. - and ended up falling asleep.
- Aw...Copy !req
336. Such a shame.Copy !req
337. Oh, look Max.Copy !req
338. These cupcakes, they're hard as rocks.Copy !req
339. All you have to doCopy !req
340. is throw the rock away, and whee!Copy !req
341. I don't think Sophie likes me.Copy !req
342. What are you talking about?
She loves you.Copy !req
343. No. I don't think she has a blind spot.Copy !req
344. I think she has a blonde spot... for me.Copy !req
345. Well, I think we've found the placeCopy !req
346. where red bulls come to die.Copy !req
347. Man, why do I never get
invited to parties like this?Copy !req
348. Look. Do you know what that means?Copy !req
349. Yeah, this building has
a real shirt shortage.Copy !req
350. Oh, my God, do you thinkCopy !req
351. this might be the Abercrombie
model's apartment?Copy !req
352. I doubt it's the Abercrombie
model's apartment.Copy !req
353. Here's a note.Copy !req
354. It's addressed to "cleaning dood,"Copy !req
355. "dude" spelled "d-o-o-d."Copy !req
356. It definitely might be the
Abercrombie model's apartment.Copy !req
357. "Wake me when you get here
." He wants us to wake him.Copy !req
358. So, do you think he sleeps in the nude?Copy !req
359. Yeah, "nood", "n-o-o-d."Copy !req
360. Come on, let's go look.Copy !req
361. Oh, oh, oh, so what,
seeing this guy nakedCopy !req
362. is no longer an "uncomfortable
work environment"?Copy !req
363. It's still uncomfortable,Copy !req
364. but in that exciting uncomfortable way.Copy !req
365. I think it is him.Copy !req
366. It's the guy who put the
"abs" in Abercrombie.Copy !req
367. And he's naked. The good naked.Copy !req
368. Should we lift the sheet?Copy !req
369. Why not? I already lifted it in my mind.Copy !req
370. Max, I got this.Copy !req
371. You start cleaning up
the mess out there.Copy !req
372. No, you start cleaning the
mess out there... I got this.Copy !req
373. The bedroom's attached to the bathroom,Copy !req
374. and I always do the bathrooms,
and he's my ideal type.Copy !req
375. And by "doing" the bathrooms
do you mean flooding them,Copy !req
376. and by "ideal type," do
you mean unconscious?Copy !req
377. Shh! We can talk about this out here.Copy !req
378. You're going to wake him.Copy !req
379. That's what we're supposed to do.Copy !req
380. But as usual, you don't
want to do the job.Copy !req
381. What's wrong with you?
You're acting weird.Copy !req
382. Well, why should I have to
do all the heavy liftingCopy !req
383. while you just get to nap
and see free model penis?Copy !req
384. All the heavy lifting?
Where'd you get that from?Copy !req
385. No one.Copy !req
386. Sophie.Copy !req
387. I knew she didn't like me.Copy !req
388. It's not that she doesn't like you,Copy !req
389. she just doesn't think you're...Copy !req
390. What? Doing anything?Copy !req
391. She thinks I'm not pulling my weight?Copy !req
392. She thinks I'm dead weight?Copy !req
393. Not dead weight, more like... a rock...Copy !req
394. To my balloon.Copy !req
395. What is that, some kind of Polish haiku?Copy !req
396. What does that even mean?Copy !req
397. She thinks if I cut the rock
loose, I'll go... fuuuuu!Copy !req
398. Wait, so you're siding withCopy !req
399. a woman you met a week ago over me?Copy !req
400. I'm not siding with anyone.
I'm just saying...Copy !req
401. I know what this is.
This is "Pick on the rich girl."Copy !req
402. It's a poverty smackdown.Copy !req
403. I heard you two talking while
I was in her bathroom,Copy !req
404. spritz spritzing.Copy !req
405. You think you do everything?
Fine, do everything.Copy !req
406. You can "balloon" all over this place,Copy !req
407. 'cause the "rock" is leaving.Copy !req
408. Who is it?Copy !req
409. You're the rock! I'm the balloon!Copy !req
410. Without me lifting you out
of your negative rockness,Copy !req
411. you wouldn't even have
a cupcake business.Copy !req
412. I'm the reason we even
have cupcake jobs.Copy !req
413. Oh, oh, you're the reason?Copy !req
414. Who stayed up all last night
baking 24 more cupcakesCopy !req
415. while you were sleeping?Copy !req
416. You did. And who delivered
the cupcakes this morningCopy !req
417. while you were sleeping?
I did. Me. The balloon.Copy !req
418. I floated over there and got
paid for the job that I got usCopy !req
419. from the website that
I'm trying to pay for.Copy !req
420. And now, I'm going to
float down this hallCopy !req
421. and wake the hot model up
'cause, contrary to what youCopy !req
422. and your poverty gal-pal might think,Copy !req
423. I always do the job I'm hired for.Copy !req
424. Oh, no! I am going to wake him up.Copy !req
425. Free model penis is my
reward for doing everythingCopy !req
426. and being tied to a rock like you.Copy !req
427. Oh, see? I can't get away,
because you're the rockCopy !req
428. and you're heavier than my balloon.Copy !req
429. Hey, stop!Copy !req
430. This is cleaning job,Copy !req
431. not gorgeous ladies of wrestling.Copy !req
432. Good thing I stopped by to check on you.Copy !req
433. - What is all this?
- You explain it.Copy !req
434. I'm going to go wake the hot model up.Copy !req
435. He left a note. Just doing my job.Copy !req
436. As usual.Copy !req
437. So, you think I'm holding Max back?Copy !req
438. What kind of question is this?Copy !req
439. Yes.Copy !req
440. Well, you're wrong. We're a great team.Copy !req
441. And, yes, there are some
things she's better at.Copy !req
442. But there are other areas where I excel.Copy !req
443. Well, I don't see them.Copy !req
444. That's probably because of your eye.Copy !req
445. Did you wake him up?Copy !req
446. Uh, no. I think he might be dead.Copy !req
447. Oh, no, not the hot one!Copy !req
448. Aw, he's my favorite.Copy !req
449. This is all I need on yelp.Copy !req
450. We should call 911.Copy !req
451. No, I got it.Copy !req
452. What are you going to do?Copy !req
453. I'm going to give him mouth-to-mouth.Copy !req
454. I didn't know there was
so much tongue involved.Copy !req
455. This is not working.Copy !req
456. But, you know what?
I know he's still alive,Copy !req
457. because his manhood is
knocking on my lady door.Copy !req
458. He must have taken too many
of those pills on the table.Copy !req
459. Pills? I got this.Copy !req
460. Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide.Copy !req
461. - Sophie, step aside, now.
- Oh, all right.Copy !req
462. You sure you know what you're doing?Copy !req
463. My friend Candace travelstead
od'd like three timesCopy !req
464. in college, and I
brought her back twice.Copy !req
465. There you go.Copy !req
466. Bring him up.Copy !req
467. Max, you hold his head back,
open his mouth.Copy !req
468. Back up.Copy !req
469. I'm starting to see your worth.Copy !req
470. What? You're being subway creepy.Copy !req
471. I have to say, when you were punchingCopy !req
472. that almost-dead guy in the stomach,Copy !req
473. that was a serious balloon move.Copy !req
474. The truth is, we're both balloons.Copy !req
475. Yeah, but mine is, like,
way cooler than yours.Copy !req
476. It's like one of those silver
ones that never goes out of air.Copy !req
477. They don't make those anymore.
They're toxic.Copy !req
478. Exactly.Copy !req
479. Max, you know you won't let
me come into the kitchenCopy !req
480. and help you bake, right?Copy !req
481. And you know that I
know that without you,Copy !req
482. the job fairy would
never show up, right?Copy !req
483. But if you ever need me to
help you bake, I could.Copy !req
484. No, it's cool.Copy !req
485. You do your thing, I'll do mine.Copy !req
486. Hey, get your phone.Copy !req
487. We should capture this
near-death victory momentCopy !req
488. as our website picture.Copy !req
489. Totally.Copy !req
490. On the count of three, think...
"We made $200."Copy !req
491. One... two...Copy !req
492. Hold up.Copy !req
493. Sir, if you want to go
home with that hand,Copy !req
494. get it off my ass.Copy !req
495. Okay, three.Copy !req