1000 Ways to Die 2x9

1. - male narrator: AFTER EXHAUSTIVE RESEARCH,

2. WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION DEATH LOVES THE STUPID.

3. OUR EVIDENCE?

4. A NAG WHO GETS FRAGGED,

5. A STEAMROLLER WHO GETS FLATTENED,

6. AND A STOWAWAY WHO GETS ICED.

7. - HELP ME!

8. THERE'S THE GAMBLER WHO WINDS UP IN A JAM,

9. THE ACUPUNCTURE PATIENT WHO GETS THE POINT...

10. AND FINALLY,

11. TWO KNUCKLEHEADS WHO GO FROM FUN TO DONE

12. DOING SOMETHING CALLED GLOBE RIDING.

13. WE'RE JUST BUSTIN' BALLS ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF

14. 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

15. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

16. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

17. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

18. EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST

19. GERMS,

20. TOXINS,

21. INJURY,

22. ILLNESS,

23. AND CATASTROPHE.

24. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

25. THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

26. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

27. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

28. LEANN WAS AN ADDICT.

29. HER DRUG—TEXTING.

30. IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS ADDICTED TO HEROIN.

31. AND IT WAS TAKING OVER HER LIFE.

32. EVEN HER HEALTH WAS AFFECTED—

33. SHE HAD CONSTANT HEADACHES, SUFFERED FROM INSOMNIA,

34. AND WAS SHOWING EARLY SIGNS OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

35. IN OTHER WORDS, SHE WAS A WRECK.

36. FINALLY, SHE SOUGHT HELP...

37. - THIS DOCTOR CHIN'S OFFICE, YEAH?

38. FROM AN ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST.

39. - EXTERIOR BODY HAS CONNECTION WITH INTERNAL BODY.

40. ACUPUNCTURE IS A 2,500-YEAR-OLD

41. FORM OF CHINESE MEDICINE

42. BASED ON THE FLOW OF ENERGY IN THE BODY

43. CALLED "QI".

44. NEEDLES ARE PLACED AT SPECIFIC ENERGY POINTS

45. TO ENABLE THE FLOW OF QI.

46. - OKAY? - MM-HMM.

47. LEANN BEGAN DRIFTING INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.

48. UNTIL HER CELL PHONE REARED ITS UGLY HEAD.

49. LEANN MIGHT HAVE SURVIVED HER CRASH LANDING

50. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

51. A NEEDLE PLACED IN HER CHEST

52. WENT RIGHT THROUGH HER BREAST PLATE.

53. PIERCING HER HEART.

54. - EVEN A SMALL PIN,

55. IF IT ENTERS A HEART AND CAUSES IT TO BLEED,

56. COULD CAUSE A HEART TO BLEED AROUND ITSELF.

57. THIS WOULD NOT ALLOW THE HEART TO COLLECT BLOOD,

58. AND THE PATIENT WILL DROP THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE.

59. IN ADDITION, THE LUNGS WOULD COLLAPSE,

60. COMPROMISING THE RESPIRATORY FUNCTION,

61. AND THE PATIENT CAN POTENTIALLY DIE.

62. IF LEANN COULD'VE RESPONDED TO HER LAST MESSAGE,

63. IT MIGHT'VE WENT

64. OH, MY GOD.

65. GOT TO GO.

66. I'M OUT OF HERE.

67. - HERE WE GO, BABY!

68. COME ON!

69. AROUND THE WORLD, 1 IN 25 DEATHS

70. IS CAUSED BY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.

71. IF YOU WANNA KNOW HOW OR WHY, NORTON IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.

72. - WATCH OUT!

73. COMIN' THROUGH!

74. OF THE 17 MILLION ALCOHOLICS IN THE U.S.,

75. HALF ARE JUST LIKE NORTON—

76. FUNCTIONING AND ABLE TO HOLD DOWN STEADY JOBS.

77. - WELL, MAKIN' THE WORLD FLAT.

78. BEING A PRIVATELY CONTRACTED STEAMROLLER OPERATOR

79. MEANT NORTON WAS HIS OWN BOSS.

80. AND THE BOSS ENCOURAGED DRINKING ON THE JOB.

81. - FLAT, FLAT, FLAT.

82. HE ALREADY PUT THE CRUSHER

83. TO A COUPLE OF SIX PACKS.

84. AND NOW NATURE WAS CALLING.

85. - YOU DON'T DRINK BEER, YOU RENT IT.

86. INSTEAD OF HITTING THE HEAD,

87. HE SHOULD'VE USED HIS.

88. NORTON HAD FORGOTTEN TO SET THE HYDRAULIC BRAKE.

89. WITH THE TOILET STANDING AT THE BOTTOM OF A SLIGHT HILL,

90. IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR THE 44,000-POUND ROLLER

91. TO GAIN SOME SPEED.

92. - AH!

93. AND ROLL RIGHT OVER POOR NORTON.

94. - IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET ROLLED OVER BY A STEAMROLLER

95. AND THE STEAMROLLER CAME FROM HIS LEGS,

96. IT WOULD BE JUST LIKE A TUBE OF TOOTHPASTE

97. WHERE ALL THE CONTENTS OF THE COLON, ALL THE FECAL MATTER,

98. ALL OF THE DIGESTIVE JUICES, AND ALL OF THE FOOD

99. HE HAD JUST EATEN IN HIS STOMACH—

100. IT WOULD START AT THE RECTUM, AND IT WOULD JUST SQUEEZE IT

101. ALL THE WAY UP TO THE TOP.

102. SO ALL OF THAT WOULD COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH,

103. AND IT WOULDN'T TASTE VERY GOOD.

104. - HEY, HEY.

105. NORTON WORKED HARD,

106. AND DRANK EVEN HARDER.

107. COMBINING THE TWO LEFT HIM FEELING...

108. - AH!

109. A LITTLE FLAT.

110. COMING UP...

111. A STOWAWAY BECOMES EXCESS BAGGAGE.

112. - HELP!

113. AND...

114. - DIDN'T I ASK YOU TO MOW THE LAWN?

115. THE WIFE FROM HELL GETS TO GO THERE.

116. - YOU'RE MY WIFE, YOU'LL DO AS I TELL YOU.

117. YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.

118. NIGEL WAS A TURD OF A HUSBAND.

119. HE ABUSED HIS WIFE, NAOMI, AND NOW SHE WAS LEAVING HIM.

120. - I'M DONE.

121. IN A LAST-DITCH EFFORT,

122. NIGEL JUMPED ON HER AIRPORT SHUTTLE

123. TO TRY AND CHANGE HER MIND.

124. - YOU'RE NOT GETTING ON THAT PLANE, YOU GOT THAT?

125. GET THAT IN YOUR THICK HEAD!

126. THE FRESH BLACK EYE NAOMI WAS SPORTING

127. GAVE HER ALL THE RESOLVE SHE NEEDED.

128. - SEE THAT RING? IT MEANS SOMETHING.

129. - A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO STOP HIS WIFE FROM LEAVING

130. IS DESPERATE. - YES, YOU ARE!

131. - HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM IS HIGHLY AROUSED,

132. THERE'S A LOT OF DOPAMINE AND ADRENALINE

133. FLOODING THROUGH HIS BODY.

134. AND HE IS NO LONGER USING HIS THINKING BRAIN.

135. - OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU'RE GETTING ON THAT PLANE,

136. YOU HEAR THAT?

137. - WISHFUL THINKING.

138. - WELCOME ABOARD.

139. BEFORE BOARDING, NAOMI THREW OFF HER WEDDING RING

140. AND FELT 1,000 POUNDS LIGHTER.

141. - HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.

142. BACK BEFORE 9/11, SECURITY WAS A JOKE.

143. THE RELAXED ATMOSPHERE AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT

144. ALLOWED NIGEL TO SNEAK RIGHT INTO A CARGO BAY

145. ON HIS WIFE'S PLANE.

146. HE JUST COULDN'T LET GO.

147. WHAT NIGEL DIDN'T REALIZE—

148. ONCE THE DOOR WAS SEALED, SO WAS HIS FATE.

149. AS THE AIRLINER CLIMBED OUT,

150. THE TEMPERATURE IN THE THINNING ATMOSPHERE

151. DROPPED LOWER AND LOWER.

152. AT 6,000 FEET, IT WAS A TEETH-CHATTERING 23 DEGREES.

153. AT 18,000, A BONE-CHILLING MINUS 5.

154. OF 32,000 FEET,

155. THE AIR TEMPERATURE IN THIS UNHEATED CARGO BAY

156. HIT 50 DEGREES BELOW ZERO—

157. COLD ENOUGH TO FREEZE MERCURY

158. AND HUMAN SKIN...

159. INSTANTLY.

160. - HELP ME!

161. HELP!

162. - WHEN SOMEONE IS IN THE FUSELAGE OF A JET

163. OF A JET

164. AND ASCENDS TO HIGH ALTITUDE,

165. THEY WILL SUFFER THE EFFECTS

166. OF PROGRESSIVE HYPOTHERMIA AND LACK OF OXYGEN.

167. THERE'S BASICALLY PHASES OF HYPOTHERMIA

168. HE'LL GO THROUGH THAT RANGE FROM THE ONSET—

169. WITH THE SHIVERING, GOOSEBUMPS—

170. TO A PROGRESSIVE CONFUSION, MUSCLE DISCOORDINATION.

171. EVENTUALLY THE HEART WILL SLOW DOWN,

172. PULSE WILL SLOW DOWN, RESPIRATION SLOW DOWN.

173. HE'LL BREATHE SLOWER.

174. THERE'S JUST A PROGRESSIVE CELLULAR DYSFUNCTION AND DEATH.

175. NIGEL DIED AS HE LIVED...

176. A COLD-HEARTED BASTARD.

177. THERE'S A GOOD REASON RON WAS ALWAYS

178. HIDING UNDERNEATH HIS CAR.

179. - HEY! DIDN'T I ASK YOU TO MOW THE LAWN?

180. WILL YOU STOP WORKING ON YOUR DAMN CAR

181. AND MOW THE LAWN?

182. MARCIE, HIS WIFE OF TEN YEARS,

183. WAS, TO PUT IT DELICATELY,

184. THE BALL-BUSTING HARPY BITCH OF THE CENTURY.

185. - HEY, HEY, GO BACK AND GET THAT.

186. I ASKED YOU TO MOW THE LAWN. - I AM!

187. - NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT MOWING THE LAWN,

188. YOU ARE RUINING THE LAWN.

189. THEIR RELATIONSHIP WAS LESS HUSBAND AND WIFE,

190. AND MORE PRISONER AND GUARD.

191. - WHEN A PERSON MAKES A BROAD ACCUSATION

192. BASED ON THEIR LAWN-MOWING SKILLS,

193. AND YOU SAY YOU'RE A LOUSY PERSON

194. JUST BASED ON THAT ONE GENERALIZATION,

195. THERE'S CLEAR BREAKUP OF COMMUNICATION

196. BETWEEN THAT COUPLE.

197. - THIS IS PATHETIC!

198. IT'S NOT LIKE HE DIDN'T IMAGINE

199. TURNING DOWN HER VOLUME CONTROL.

200. - HOW HARD IS A STRAIGHT LINE?

201. YOU GO FROM HERE TO THERE, FROM HERE TO THERE.

202. HE JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS.

203. - OH! AND AFTER THIS, I WANT YOU TO GO TO THE STORE

204. AND GET ME SOME TAMPONS...

205. SUPER ABSORBENT.

206. AND GET SOME FOR YOURSELF, MISSY.

207. BUT SOMETIMES THE GOD OF HENPECKED HUSBANDS

208. TAKES PITY ON CASES LIKE RON'S.

209. - STOP! STOP!

210. STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

211. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOW THE LAWN.

212. JUST TAKE THIS!

213. JUST MOVE. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

214. IT IS SO SIMPLE!

215. YOU PRESS THIS AND YOU MOVE FORWARD.

216. YOU GO FORWARD!

217. YOU JUST HAVE TO GO FORWARD LIKE THIS!

218. IN A VODKA-FUELED RUSH

219. TO SHOW HIM THE RIGHT WAY TO MOW,

220. MARCIE RAN OVER THE CORD TO RON'S 200-AMP ARC WELDER.

221. - WE HAVE SOMEBODY THAT'S HOLDING A HANDLE

222. AND THEY RUN OVER SOMETHING,

223. AN ELECTRICAL CHARGE GOES THROUGH.

224. IT'S GONNA CREATE A CIRCUIT.

225. SO THEY'RE GONNA GET AN ELECTRICAL JOLT.

226. AND THIS IS ENOUGH TO DISRUPT

227. THE ELECTRICAL ASPECTS OF THE HEART.

228. THE HEART BASICALLY DOESN'T FUNCTION AS PUMP ANYMORE,

229. AND IT'S JUST QUIVERING LIKE SOME JELL-O.

230. AND IT'S GONNA CAUSE WHAT THEY CALL A DYSRHYTHMIA.

231. RON'S LIFE WAS HELL...

232. - RON!

233. HIS WIFE WAS HELL AS WELL.

234. - IT'S PATHETIC!

235. SHE TOLD HIM TO MOW...

236. - FROM HERE TO THERE...

237. AND AWAY HE DID GO.

238. - GET OUT OF THE WAY!

239. BUT NOW, HIS WIFE IS NO MO'.

240. - LIKE THIS!

241. - THERE IS A GOD.

242. - SIGN HERE. - WH—WHY?

243. UP NEXT...

244. THIS GUY HAD TOO MUCH LEAD IN HIS PENCIL.

245. AND...

246. - SORRY GUYS, GOTTA RUN.

247. A GAMBLER GETS SQUEEZED OUT OF THE ACTION.

248. - NO, NO!

249. - I'M ALL-IN, MAN. - YOU ALL-IN?

250. - ALL-IN. CALL THAT.

251. - CALL YOUR MOM, SHE'S READY TO COME PICK YOU UP.

252. TOBY WAS A JUNKYARD OWNER

253. WHO GOT HIS ROCKS OFF PLAYING HIGH STAKES POKER

254. WITH A BUNCH OF MOB-CONNECTED HEAVIES.

255. - WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? AGAIN?

256. FOR THE LAST FOUR HOURS,

257. HE HAD BEEN CLEANING THEM OUT

258. DEAL AFTER DEAL.

259. - ALL RIGHT, WHAT YOU GOT?

260. NO MATTER WHAT THEY WERE HOLDING,

261. TOBY ALWAYS HAD THE UPPER HAND.

262. - I HAD A FULL HOUSE AND THIS GUY BEATS ME?

263. - COME ON, GIVE YOU ONE MORE HAND TO CLEAN YOU GUYS OUT.

264. THEN YOU KNOW WHAT— I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

265. I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS BUS FARE TO GET HOME.

266. - BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS.

267. - GO SCREW YOURSELF.

268. WHAT THE OTHERS DIDN'T KNOW...

269. TOBY HAD BEEN MAKING SURE THE ODDS WERE ALWAYS

270. - PRETTY MUCH EVER SINCE PEOPLE

271. STARTED BETTING MONEY WITH CARDS,

272. PEOPLE STARTED CHEATING.

273. CHEATING IS STUPID.

274. STUPID.

275. YOU'RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT EVENTUALLY.

276. - DUDE, I JUST SAW THAT.

277. - SAW WHAT, MAN? - DUDE, I JUST SAW YOU

278. PULL THAT ACE OUT OF YOUR SLEEVE, MAN.

279. - DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

280. - HE'S CHEATING RIGHT HERE, MAN!

281. - SORRY GUYS, GOTTA RUN.

282. - CHEATING IS A DEADLY WAY OF LIFE.

283. EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA CHEAT THE WRONG PERSON.

284. WHEN YOU TAKE SOMEBODY FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS,

285. THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY MAD.

286. TOBY HIGHTAILED IT INTO HIS JUNKYARD.

287. GO, GO, GO!

288. AND DUCKED INTO A WRECKED MINIVAN.

289. - GET THIS GUY, MAN.

290. HE SLIPPED THE HEAVIES,

291. BUT THEY WERE THE LEAST OF HIS PROBLEMS.

292. - NO, NO! HELP!

293. THE GIANT CLAW JAMMED THE DOOR AGAINST HIS LEG,

294. PINNING HIM TO THE SEAT OF THE VAN.

295. - HELP, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

296. HELP ME! PLEASE!

297. PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP!

298. NOBODY COULD HEAR HIS FEEBLE CRIES FOR HELP

299. OVER THE ROAR OF HEAVY MACHINERY.

300. - HELP! HELP!

301. IF TOBY KNEW WHERE THE WRECKED VAN

302. WAS ABOUT TO WIND UP...

303. - HELP ME, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

304. HE'D BE SCREAMING EVEN LOUDER.

305. - HELP ME, PLEASE! SOMEONE!

306. HE WENT FROM THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE.

307. - HELP ME!

308. MAKE THAT THE JUICE... INTO THE JUICER.

309. - I WOULD SUSPECT THAT HE WOULD PROBABLY

310. BE AWAKE AND AWARE, AND PROBABLY FEELING PAIN,

311. AS THE CAR AROUND HIM IS CRUSHED.

312. THEN THE FIRST THING THAT WOULD HAPPEN WOULD PROBABLY BE

313. THAT YOUR RIBS WOULD BREAK

314. BECAUSE THEY'RE BRITTLE, AND FRAGILE, AND NOT COMPRESSIBLE.

315. AND THEN YOU WOULD BEGIN

316. COMPRESSING YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

317. I THINK WHAT WOULD KILL YOU FIRST

318. WOULD PROBABLY BE ASPHYXIA,

319. BECAUSE YOUR LUNGS WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO EXPAND.

320. AND THEN YOU WOULD DIE BASICALLY OF CHOKING TO DEATH.

321. YOU CAN CHEAT AT CARDS,

322. TAKE EVERYONE'S MONEY,

323. BUT WHEN DEATH PUTS THE SQUEEZE ON YOU...

324. YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

325. JOE SYRACKI'S ARMY-NAVY STORE HADN'T HAD A CUSTOMER IN WEEKS.

326. BUT EVEN ON THE BRINK OF LOSING HIS BUSINESS,

327. THE ARMENIAN IMMIGRANT REMAINED OPTIMISTIC.

328. TIME TO OPEN UP.

329. - HELLO, SIR.

330. - WELCOME, WELCOME, SIR. HOW ARE YOU?

331. - ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH THE WORD "FORECLOSURE"?

332. SIGN HERE. - WH—WHY?

333. WE HAVE PAID, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING—

334. - YOU HAVE NOT PAID.

335. - ECONOMIC STRESS AFFECTS PEOPLE

336. THE WAY ANY STRESS AFFECTS SOMEONE.

337. IF YOU'RE FORECLOSED UPON, THAT CAN HAVE PHYSICAL CONSEQUENCES—

338. INCREASE IN HEART RATE, INCREASED ILLNESS.

339. SO THERE ARE PHYSIOLOGICAL SYMPTOMS

340. THAT ARE THE PRIMARY SYMPTOMS OF STRESS.

341. THE ECONOMY WAS TAKING ITS TOLL

342. ON SMALL BUSINESSMEN EVERYWHERE.

343. SYRACKI'S AMERICAN DREAM WAS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.

344. - YOU KNOW, I ADMIRE AMERICA. THAT'S WHY I COME HERE.

345. - SIR...

346. YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

347. - NO, NO, I CAN'T SIGN THIS.

348. THE ARMENIAN'S PROTESTS FELL ON DEAD EARS.

349. THE BANK REP HAD SYRACKI BY THE SHORT HAIRS.

350. THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. - SIGN THERE.

351. ONCE SYRACKI HAD SIGNED,

352. THE HARD-WORKING IMMIGRANT'S BUSINESS

353. WOULD BE THE PROPERTY OF THE BANK.

354. ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS FOR THE BANKER TO COUNTERSIGN.

355. - SINCE YOU'VE THROWN MY PEN AWAY,

356. I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED A NEW PEN.

357. THAT LOOKS LIKE A LOVELY PEN.

358. CAN I USE THAT ONE TO SIGN?

359. - THIS IS NOT GOOD PEN.

360. - GIVE ME MY PEN!

361. - ALL RIGHT.

362. - THIS...

363. IS A MOMENT I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO ENJOY.

364. - BELIEVE ME, SIR, YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS PEN.

365. - SHUT UP.

366. BANKER BOY SHOULD'VE LISTENED.

367. IT WAS AN UNUSUAL PEN,

368. BUT NOT IN ANY WAY HE COULD'VE IMAGINED.

369. - NO, PLEASE, SIR.

370. - THE PEN GUN IS ACTUALLY.22 CALIBER.

371. VERY, VERY SMALL.

372. AND BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A LONG BARREL,

373. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY RIFLING IN THE BARREL

374. TO GAIN SPEED ON THE PROJECTILE,

375. YOU HAVE TO SHOOT IT FROM AN EXTREMELY CLOSE RANGE—

376. WITHIN TWO OR THREE FEET— FOR IT TO KILL YOU.

377. - IF A BULLET ENTERS THAT'S SMALL ENOUGH

378. THAT DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH FORCE

379. TO EXIT OUT THE BACK OF THE SKULL,

380. IT'LL RICOCHET WITHIN THE SKULL.

381. IT COULD RICOCHET AT THE TOP, AND THEN ALONG THE BACK,

382. AND STRAIGHT INTO THE BRAIN STEM—

383. THE PART OF THE BRAIN THAT CONTROLS

384. VITAL FUNCTIONS OF THE BODY,

385. SUCH AS BREATHING AND HEART RATE IS ONE.

386. THEN IT'S GONNA CAUSE DEATH.

387. FORECLOSURE'S A BITCH.

388. - YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

389. BUT WHEN YOU HAVE TO SIGN ON THE BOTTOM LINE...

390. MAKE SURE IT'S WITH INK, NOT BLOOD.

391. DON'T GO AWAY...

392. TWO DUDES GET ON A ROLL...

393. AND CAN'T STOP.

394. COMING UP.

395. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?

396. TERRY AND CEDRIC TUMBLING DOWN A MOUNTAIN,

397. GATHERING SPEED AS THEY GO,

398. TRAPPED INSIDE SOMETHING CALLED A GLOBE RIDING BALL.

399. LET'S BACK UP AND TAKE A LOOK.

400. - WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

401. IT ALL STARTED WITH— BIG SURPRISE—A BAD IDEA.

402. TERRY AND CEDRIC WERE KILLING TIME WHEN THEY SPOTTED

403. AN UNTENDED GLOBE RIDING BALL.

404. THEY'RE MADE TO ROLL WITH THE RIDER CUSHIONED SAFELY INSIDE.

405. WITHOUT BOTHERING TO ASK PERMISSION,

406. THEY JUMPED IN TO SEE WHAT THIS NEW CRAZE WAS ALL ABOUT.

407. - IF YOU EVER WANTED TO BE IN A BALL AND GO DOWN A HILL,

408. ZORBING IS JUST A DIFFERENT TYPE OF SPORT

409. THAT I THINK EVERYBODY SHOULD EXPERIENCE AT LEAST ONCE.

410. THERE'S THE OUTSIDE LAYER, THEN THE INSIDE LAYER,

411. AND BETWEEN THAT IS AIR.

412. SO IT ABSORBS MOST OF THE SHOCK.

413. ON A FLAT SURFACE YOU CAN CONTROL THE BALL,

414. BECAUSE YOU CAN ACTUALLY PUSH THE BALL

415. IN THE DIRECTION THAT YOU WANT TO GO.

416. I'VE COMPARED IT TO A HAMSTER IN A BALL, IF YOU WILL.

417. TO COMPARE THESE TWO TO HAMSTERS

418. WOULD BE AN INSULT TO THE ENTIRE RODENT COMMUNITY.

419. AT FIRST, THEY WERE HAVING A BALL INSIDE A BALL.

420. BUT WHEN THEIR LAUGHS TURNED TO SCREAMS,

421. IT WAS TOO LATE.

422. GOTTA SLOW DOWN!

423. - ONCE GRAVITY TAKES OVER,

424. THERE'S REALLY NOT MUCH CONTROL THAT YOU HAVE

425. IN A DOWNHILL ENVIRONMENT.

426. JUST A HEIGHTENED SENSE OF RISK

427. THAT YOU TAKE GOING DOWN THE HILL.

428. THE STEEP MOUNTAINSIDE

429. GOT THE BALL UP TO 45 MILES AN HOUR.

430. AT THIS SPEED, THEIR BODIES WERE BEING THROWN INTO EACH OTHER,

431. BREAKING BONES AND CRACKING HEADS.

432. IT WAS LIKE BEING IN MULTIPLE CAR CRASHES

433. WITHOUT SEATBELTS.

434. FINALLY, THEIR PRANK CAME TO A PAINFUL AND FATAL END.

435. THEIR PARTY BALL POPPED, AND WHAT WAS LEFT INSIDE

436. LOOKED LIKE AN OUTTAKE FROM HUMPTY DUMPTY.

437. MULTIPLE FRACTURES, BROKEN SKULLS,

438. AND SEVERE BRAIN INJURIES MEANT ONE THING—

439. ALL THE KINGS MEDICS WOULD NEVER PUT

440. THESE TWO MORONS TOGETHER AGAIN.