1000 Ways to Die 2x9

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A clumsy salesman burns out, a phony priest sees the gets sent to Kingdom Come and a when man does his own version of "Man vs. Wild", wild wins.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - male narrator: AFTER EXHAUSTIVE RESEARCH,

2. WE'VE COME TO THE CONCLUSION DEATH LOVES THE STUPID.

3. OUR EVIDENCE?

4. A NAG WHO GETS FRAGGED,

5. WHO GETS FLATTENED,

6. AND A STOWAWAY WHO GETS ICED.

7. - HELP ME!

8. THERE'S THE GAMBLER WHO WINDS UP IN A JAM,

9. WHO GETS THE POINT...

10. AND FINALLY,

11. CALLED GLOBE RIDING.

12. WE'RE JUST BUSTIN' BALLS

13. 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT

18. GERMS,

19. TOXINS,

20. INJURY,

21. ILLNESS,

22. AND CATASTROPHE.

23. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

24. AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

25. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

26. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

27. LEANN WAS AN ADDICT.

28. HER DRUG—TEXTING.

29. IT WAS AS IF SHE WAS ADDICTED TO HEROIN.

30. AND IT WAS TAKING OVER HER LIFE.

31. SHE HAD CONSTANT HEADACHES, SUFFERED FROM INSOMNIA,

32. OF CARPAL TUNNEL SYNDROME.

33. IN OTHER WORDS, SHE WAS A WRECK.

34. FINALLY, SHE SOUGHT HELP...

35. - THIS DOCTOR CHIN'S OFFICE, YEAH?

36. ACUPUNCTURE SPECIALIST.

37. WITH INTERNAL BODY.

38. IS A 2,500-YEAR-OLD

39. CALLED "QI".

40. TO ENABLE THE FLOW OF QI.

41. - OKAY? - MM-HMM.

42. DRIFTING INTO UNCONSCIOUSNESS.

43. REARED ITS UGLY HEAD.

44. EXCEPT FOR ONE THING...

45. THROUGH HER BREAST PLATE.

46. PIERCING HER HEART.

47. - EVEN A SMALL PIN,

48. AND CAUSES IT TO BLEED,

49. TO BLEED AROUND ITSELF.

50. THE HEART TO COLLECT BLOOD,

51. DROP THEIR BLOOD PRESSURE.

52. IN ADDITION, THE LUNGS WOULD COLLAPSE,

53. THE RESPIRATORY FUNCTION,

54. CAN POTENTIALLY DIE.

55. IF LEANN COULD'VE RESPONDED TO HER LAST MESSAGE,

56. IT MIGHT'VE WENT

57. OH, MY GOD.

58. GOT TO GO.

59. I'M OUT OF HERE.

60. - HERE WE GO, BABY!

61. COME ON!

62. AROUND THE WORLD, 1 IN 25 DEATHS

63. BY ALCOHOL CONSUMPTION.

64. IF YOU WANNA KNOW HOW OR WHY, NORTON IS A GOOD PLACE TO START.

65. - WATCH OUT!

66. COMIN' THROUGH!

67. OF THE 17 MILLION ALCOHOLICS IN THE U.S.,

68. TO HOLD DOWN STEADY JOBS.

69. - WELL, MAKIN' THE WORLD FLAT.

70. MEANT NORTON WAS HIS OWN BOSS.

71. DRINKING ON THE JOB.

72. - FLAT, FLAT, FLAT.

73. TO A COUPLE OF SIX PACKS.

74. AND NOW NATURE WAS CALLING.

75. - YOU DON'T DRINK BEER, YOU RENT IT.

76. INSTEAD OF HITTING THE HEAD,

77. HE SHOULD'VE USED HIS.

78. TO SET THE HYDRAULIC BRAKE.

79. AT THE BOTTOM OF A SLIGHT HILL,

80. IT DIDN'T TAKE LONG FOR THE 44,000-POUND ROLLER

81. TO GAIN SOME SPEED.

82. - AH!

83. POOR NORTON.

84. - IF SOMEBODY'S GONNA GET

85. CAME FROM HIS LEGS,

86. THE COLON, ALL THE FECAL MATTER,

87. ALL OF THE DIGESTIVE JUICES,

88. IT WOULD START AT THE RECTUM,

89. ALL THE WAY UP TO THE TOP.

90. COME OUT OF HIS MOUTH,

91. AND IT WOULDN'T TASTE VERY GOOD.

92. - HEY, HEY.

93. NORTON WORKED HARD,

94. AND DRANK EVEN HARDER.

95. LEFT HIM FEELING...

96. - AH!

97. A LITTLE FLAT.

98. COMING UP...

99. BECOMES EXCESS BAGGAGE.

100. - HELP!

101. AND...

102. - DIDN'T I ASK YOU TO MOW THE LAWN?

103. GETS TO GO THERE.

104. - YOU'RE MY WIFE, YOU'LL DO AS I TELL YOU.

105. YOU'RE GOING NOWHERE.

106. A TURD OF A HUSBAND.

107. HE ABUSED HIS WIFE, NAOMI, AND NOW SHE WAS LEAVING HIM.

108. - I'M DONE.

109. IN A LAST-DITCH EFFORT,

110. TO TRY AND CHANGE HER MIND.

111. - YOU'RE NOT GETTING ON THAT PLANE, YOU GOT THAT?

112. GET THAT IN YOUR THICK HEAD!

113. THE RESOLVE SHE NEEDED.

114. - SEE THAT RING? IT MEANS SOMETHING.

115. - A GUY WHO'S TRYING TO

116. IS DESPERATE. - YES, YOU ARE!

117. IS HIGHLY AROUSED,

118. THERE'S A LOT OF

119. FLOODING THROUGH HIS BODY.

120. USING HIS THINKING BRAIN.

121. - OVER MY DEAD BODY YOU'RE GETTING ON THAT PLANE,

122. YOU HEAR THAT?

123. - WISHFUL THINKING.

124. - WELCOME ABOARD.

125. BEFORE BOARDING, NAOMI

126. AND FELT 1,000 POUNDS LIGHTER.

127. - HAVE A NICE FLIGHT.

128. BACK BEFORE 9/11, SECURITY WAS A JOKE.

129. ON HIS WIFE'S PLANE.

130. HE JUST COULDN'T LET GO.

131. WHAT NIGEL DIDN'T REALIZE—

132. ONCE THE DOOR WAS SEALED, SO WAS HIS FATE.

133. AS THE AIRLINER CLIMBED OUT,

134. DROPPED LOWER AND LOWER.

135. AT 6,000 FEET, IT WAS A TEETH-CHATTERING 23 DEGREES.

136. AT 18,000, A BONE-CHILLING MINUS 5.

137. OF 32,000 FEET,

138. HIT 50 DEGREES BELOW ZERO—

139. AND HUMAN SKIN...

140. INSTANTLY.

141. - HELP ME!

142. HELP!

143. OF A JET

144. TO HIGH ALTITUDE,

145. AND LACK OF OXYGEN.

146. THERE'S BASICALLY

147. HE'LL GO THROUGH THAT RANGE

148. WITH THE SHIVERING,

149. TO A PROGRESSIVE CONFUSION, MUSCLE DISCOORDINATION.

150. WILL SLOW DOWN,

151. PULSE WILL SLOW DOWN, RESPIRATION SLOW DOWN.

152. HE'LL BREATHE SLOWER.

153. THERE'S JUST A PROGRESSIVE CELLULAR DYSFUNCTION AND DEATH.

154. NIGEL DIED AS HE LIVED...

155. A COLD-HEARTED BASTARD.

156. THERE'S A GOOD REASON

157. HIDING UNDERNEATH HIS CAR.

158. - HEY! DIDN'T I ASK YOU TO MOW THE LAWN?

159. AND MOW THE LAWN?

160. MARCIE, HIS WIFE OF TEN YEARS,

161. WAS, TO PUT IT DELICATELY,

162. HARPY BITCH OF THE CENTURY.

163. - HEY, HEY, GO BACK AND GET THAT.

164. I ASKED YOU TO MOW THE LAWN. - I AM!

165. - NO, NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT MOWING THE LAWN,

166. YOU ARE RUINING THE LAWN.

167. WAS LESS HUSBAND AND WIFE,

168. AND MORE PRISONER AND GUARD.

169. THEIR LAWN-MOWING SKILLS,

170. AND YOU SAY YOU'RE A LOUSY PERSON

171. THAT ONE GENERALIZATION,

172. THERE'S CLEAR

173. BETWEEN THAT COUPLE.

174. - THIS IS PATHETIC!

175. IT'S NOT LIKE HE DIDN'T IMAGINE

176. HER VOLUME CONTROL.

177. - HOW HARD IS A STRAIGHT LINE?

178. YOU GO FROM HERE TO THERE, FROM HERE TO THERE.

179. DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS.

180. - OH! AND AFTER THIS,

181. AND GET ME SOME TAMPONS...

182. SUPER ABSORBENT.

183. FOR YOURSELF, MISSY.

184. ON CASES LIKE RON'S.

185. - STOP! STOP!

186. STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING! GET OUT OF THE WAY!

187. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MOW THE LAWN.

188. JUST TAKE THIS!

189. JUST MOVE. GET OUT OF MY WAY!

190. IT IS SO SIMPLE!

191. AND YOU MOVE FORWARD.

192. YOU GO FORWARD!

193. TO GO FORWARD LIKE THIS!

194. HIM THE RIGHT WAY TO MOW,

195. TO RON'S 200-AMP ARC WELDER.

196. THAT'S HOLDING A HANDLE

197. AND THEY RUN OVER SOMETHING,

198. GOES THROUGH.

199. IT'S GONNA CREATE A CIRCUIT.

200. SO THEY'RE GONNA GET AN ELECTRICAL JOLT.

201. ASPECTS OF THE HEART.

202. THE HEART BASICALLY DOESN'T FUNCTION AS PUMP ANYMORE,

203. AND IT'S JUST QUIVERING LIKE SOME JELL-O.

204. AND IT'S GONNA CAUSE WHAT THEY CALL A DYSRHYTHMIA.

205. RON'S LIFE WAS HELL...

206. - RON!

207. HIS WIFE WAS HELL AS WELL.

208. - IT'S PATHETIC!

209. SHE TOLD HIM TO MOW...

210. - FROM HERE TO THERE...

211. AND AWAY HE DID GO.

212. - GET OUT OF THE WAY!

213. BUT NOW, HIS WIFE IS NO MO'.

214. - LIKE THIS!

215. - THERE IS A GOD.

216. - SIGN HERE. - WH—WHY?

217. UP NEXT...

218. LEAD IN HIS PENCIL.

219. AND...

220. - SORRY GUYS, GOTTA RUN.

221. SQUEEZED OUT OF THE ACTION.

222. - NO, NO!

223. - I'M ALL-IN, MAN. - YOU ALL-IN?

224. - ALL-IN. CALL THAT.

225. - CALL YOUR MOM, SHE'S READY TO COME PICK YOU UP.

226. MOB-CONNECTED HEAVIES.

227. - WHAT? ARE YOU SERIOUS? AGAIN?

228. FOR THE LAST FOUR HOURS,

229. DEAL AFTER DEAL.

230. - ALL RIGHT, WHAT YOU GOT?

231. WHAT THEY WERE HOLDING,

232. HAD THE UPPER HAND.

233. AND THIS GUY BEATS ME?

234. - COME ON, GIVE YOU ONE MORE HAND TO CLEAN YOU GUYS OUT.

235. I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

236. I'LL GIVE YOU GUYS BUS FARE TO GET HOME.

237. - BLOW IT OUT YOUR ASS.

238. - GO SCREW YOURSELF.

239. WHAT THE OTHERS DIDN'T KNOW...

240. WITH CARDS,

241. PEOPLE STARTED CHEATING.

242. CHEATING IS STUPID.

243. STUPID.

244. YOU'RE GOING TO GET CAUGHT EVENTUALLY.

245. - DUDE, I JUST SAW THAT.

246. - SAW WHAT, MAN? - DUDE, I JUST SAW YOU

247. OUT OF YOUR SLEEVE, MAN.

248. - DUDE, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

249. - HE'S CHEATING RIGHT HERE, MAN!

250. - SORRY GUYS, GOTTA RUN.

251. A DEADLY WAY OF LIFE.

252. EVENTUALLY YOU'RE GONNA CHEAT THE WRONG PERSON.

253. FOR THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS,

254. THEY'RE GONNA BE PRETTY MAD.

255. INTO HIS JUNKYARD.

256. GO, GO, GO!

257. INTO A WRECKED MINIVAN.

258. - GET THIS GUY, MAN.

259. HE SLIPPED THE HEAVIES,

260. THE LEAST OF HIS PROBLEMS.

261. - NO, NO! HELP!

262. THE DOOR AGAINST HIS LEG,

263. TO THE SEAT OF THE VAN.

264. - HELP, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

265. HELP ME! PLEASE!

266. PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP!

267. OF HEAVY MACHINERY.

268. - HELP! HELP!

269. WAS ABOUT TO WIND UP...

270. - HELP ME, SOMEONE'S IN HERE!

271. HE'D BE SCREAMING EVEN LOUDER.

272. - HELP ME, PLEASE! SOMEONE!

273. THE FRYING PAN INTO THE FIRE.

274. - HELP ME!

275. MAKE THAT THE JUICE... INTO THE JUICER.

276. BE AWAKE AND AWARE, AND PROBABLY FEELING PAIN,

277. AS THE CAR AROUND HIM IS CRUSHED.

278. BECAUSE THEY'RE BRITTLE, AND FRAGILE, AND NOT COMPRESSIBLE.

279. YOUR INTERNAL ORGANS.

280. WOULD PROBABLY BE ASPHYXIA,

281. WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO EXPAND.

282. BASICALLY OF CHOKING TO DEATH.

283. YOU CAN CHEAT AT CARDS,

284. TAKE EVERYONE'S MONEY,

285. PUTS THE SQUEEZE ON YOU...

286. YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

287. JOE SYRACKI'S ARMY-NAVY STORE HADN'T HAD A CUSTOMER IN WEEKS.

288. OF LOSING HIS BUSINESS,

289. REMAINED OPTIMISTIC.

290. TIME TO OPEN UP.

291. - HELLO, SIR.

292. - WELCOME, WELCOME, SIR. HOW ARE YOU?

293. WITH THE WORD "FORECLOSURE"?

294. SIGN HERE. - WH—WHY?

295. WE HAVE PAID,

296. - YOU HAVE NOT PAID.

297. AFFECTS SOMEONE.

298. IF YOU'RE FORECLOSED UPON, THAT

299. INCREASE IN HEART RATE, INCREASED ILLNESS.

300. SYMPTOMS OF STRESS.

301. EVERYWHERE.

302. SYRACKI'S AMERICAN DREAM WAS TURNING INTO A NIGHTMARE.

303. - YOU KNOW, I ADMIRE AMERICA. THAT'S WHY I COME HERE.

304. - SIR...

305. YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

306. - NO, NO, I CAN'T SIGN THIS.

307. THE ARMENIAN'S PROTESTS FELL ON DEAD EARS.

308. BY THE SHORT HAIRS.

309. THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. - SIGN THERE.

310. ONCE SYRACKI HAD SIGNED,

311. IMMIGRANT'S BUSINESS

312. OF THE BANK.

313. FOR THE BANKER TO COUNTERSIGN.

314. - SINCE YOU'VE THROWN MY PEN AWAY,

315. I THINK I'M GOING TO NEED A NEW PEN.

316. THAT LOOKS LIKE A LOVELY PEN.

317. CAN I USE THAT ONE TO SIGN?

318. - THIS IS NOT GOOD PEN.

319. - GIVE ME MY PEN!

320. - ALL RIGHT.

321. - THIS...

322. I'M ACTUALLY GOING TO ENJOY.

323. - BELIEVE ME, SIR, YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THIS PEN.

324. - SHUT UP.

325. SHOULD'VE LISTENED.

326. IT WAS AN UNUSUAL PEN,

327. BUT NOT IN ANY WAY HE COULD'VE IMAGINED.

328. - NO, PLEASE, SIR.

329. - THE PEN GUN IS ACTUALLY.22 CALIBER.

330. VERY, VERY SMALL.

331. DON'T HAVE A LONG BARREL,

332. BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE

333. ON THE PROJECTILE,

334. FOR IT TO KILL YOU.

335. THAT'S SMALL ENOUGH

336. THAT DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH FORCE

337. THE BACK OF THE SKULL,

338. IT'LL RICOCHET WITHIN THE SKULL.

339. IT COULD RICOCHET AT THE TOP, AND THEN ALONG THE BACK,

340. VITAL FUNCTIONS OF THE BODY,

341. AND HEART RATE IS ONE.

342. THEN IT'S GONNA CAUSE DEATH.

343. FORECLOSURE'S A BITCH.

344. - YOU NEED TO SIGN IT.

345. SIGN ON THE BOTTOM LINE...

346. MAKE SURE IT'S WITH INK, NOT BLOOD.

347. DON'T GO AWAY...

348. TWO DUDES GET ON A ROLL...

349. AND CAN'T STOP.

350. COMING UP.

351. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS?

352. TUMBLING DOWN A MOUNTAIN,

353. GATHERING SPEED AS THEY GO,

354. CALLED A GLOBE RIDING BALL.

355. LET'S BACK UP AND TAKE A LOOK.

356. - WHAT THE HECK IS THAT?

357. BIG SURPRISE—A BAD IDEA.

358. AN UNTENDED GLOBE RIDING BALL.

359. THEY'RE MADE TO ROLL WITH THE RIDER CUSHIONED SAFELY INSIDE.

360. TO ASK PERMISSION,

361. THIS NEW CRAZE WAS ALL ABOUT.

362. IN A BALL AND GO DOWN A HILL,

363. SHOULD EXPERIENCE AT LEAST ONCE.

364. THERE'S THE OUTSIDE LAYER, THEN THE INSIDE LAYER,

365. AND BETWEEN THAT IS AIR.

366. MOST OF THE SHOCK.

367. YOU CAN CONTROL THE BALL,

368. THAT YOU WANT TO GO.

369. I'VE COMPARED IT TO A HAMSTER IN A BALL, IF YOU WILL.

370. THE ENTIRE RODENT COMMUNITY.

371. AT FIRST, THEY WERE HAVING A BALL INSIDE A BALL.

372. TURNED TO SCREAMS,

373. IT WAS TOO LATE.

374. GOTTA SLOW DOWN!

375. - ONCE GRAVITY TAKES OVER,

376. THERE'S REALLY NOT

377. IN A DOWNHILL ENVIRONMENT.

378. GOING DOWN THE HILL.

379. UP TO 45 MILES AN HOUR.

380. AT THIS SPEED, THEIR BODIES WERE BEING THROWN INTO EACH OTHER,

381. AND CRACKING HEADS.

382. WITHOUT SEATBELTS.

383. FINALLY, THEIR PRANK CAME TO A PAINFUL AND FATAL END.

384. THEIR PARTY BALL POPPED,

385. FROM HUMPTY DUMPTY.

386. MULTIPLE FRACTURES, BROKEN SKULLS,

387. TOGETHER AGAIN.