1000 Ways to Die 2x8

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A hunter becomes the game, a soccer fan blows himself out and a crack addicted couple's world comes crashing down.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer: THE END IS NEAR.

2. IT'S JUST A LOT CLOSER TO SOME THAN OTHERS,

3. WHO LET DINNER GET AWAY...

4. OR THE '50s CHICK WITH THE HOT HAIRDO.

5. WHO TOOK A DIVE,

6. A SPEED FREAK WHO SPUN OUT,

7. WHO WENT OFF COURSE,

8. THAT WILL SHOCK YOU?

9. OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

10. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

11. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

12. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

13. AGAINST GERMS...

14. TOXINS...

15. INJURY...

16. ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

17. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

18. IS A MIRACLE...

19. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

20. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

21. TO RAISE SOME CASH.

22. THEY'D HAVE A CAR WASH.

23. ♪ WE'RE SIMI, WE'RE SIMI

24. THING IS, THERE IS NO SIMI VALLEY UNIVERSITY.

25. DAYTIME CASH.

26. - HEY, HOW MUCH IS IT, LADIES?

27. IN YOUR WALLET, BIG BOY.

28. - LET'S DO IT.

29. GAVE IT MUCH THOUGHT.

30. BY THEIR STUDENT BODIES.

31. THAN MEN DO.

32. ANOTHER WOMAN WILL,

33. BETWEEN THEIR LEGS,

34. ON THEIR SHOULDERS.

35. WAS REALLY WORKING.

36. ENSURED A BIG PAYOFF.

37. - THANK YOU. - HOW ABOUT A GROUP HUG?

38. - GROUP HUG! - GROUP HUG!

39. - HEY. - HEY.

40. IT'S REALLY BIG AND DIRTY. CAN YOU HELP ME OUT?

41. WHEN HE SPOTTED THE HOT ACTION.

42. - YOU DON'T MIND IF I CLIMB

43. WHILE YOU WASH THE VAN?

44. - OH, NO. - NO.

45. A FIVE-STAR SHOW,

46. LAPPED IT UP.

47. THAN ANY SPANKING VIDEO.

48. - OH, YES, STRETCH WAY UP.

49. THANK GOD MY WIFE DIED.

50. OF A HAPPY ENDING.

51. THE OLD GEEZER,

52. AN ELECTRIC BUFFER.

53. "MISS DEMEANORS"

54. HAD A BAD CONNECTION.

55. AND THEY'RE ALL IN CONTACT,

56. THROUGH THE REST OF THEM,

57. OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

58. THEY WOULD THEN FALL,

59. AND, UH, THE HEART WILL JUST FIBRILLATE.

60. IN, UH—IN A SYSTEMIC UNIT.

61. WITHOUT ANY EFFECTIVE HEARTBEAT.

62. THEIR HORNDOG CUSTOMERS.

63. ♪ WE'RE SIMI GIVE ME A "D."

64. GIVE ME AN "E." GIVE ME AN "A."

65. AND ANOTHER "D." WHAT DO WE GOT?

66. IN THE 1950s, GOING PARKING WAS THE HEP THING TO DO.

67. - COME HERE, LOVER BOY.

68. WITH A COUPLE OF SWELL GUYS.

69. SUSIE WAS FAST AND HOT. BETTY WAS NOT.

70. WAS HER HAIR.

71. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. YOU'RE RUINING MY HAIR!

72. TO THIRD BASE?

73. BACK THEN, THE BEEHIVE WAS ALL THE RAGE.

74. HAD A COLOSSAL ONE,

75. OF HAIR SPRAY.

76. THAT NIGHT, BETTY'S B-52 WAS FLYING HIGH,

77. BUT ALL HER DATE, JOE,

78. WAS GET IN HER COCKPIT.

79. - OH, WATCH IT. OW. JEEZ.

80. - COME ON, BABY. I'M ABOUT TO BLOW.

81. OF SQUARESVILLE.

82. WOULDN'T PUT OUT,

83. HE WAS GONNA GET REAL GONE.

84. - OH.

85. ON A SMOKE.

86. OF THOSE?

87. IN AN INSTANT,

88. BETTY'S HAIR BECAME A TOWERING INFERNO.

89. BACK IN THE '50s,

90. PROPELLANTS,

91. AND LONGER.

92. - HAIR IS GETTING BURNED OFF. FINE, THAT'S DEAD TISSUE.

93. BUT NEXT THING THAT'S GONNA GO IS THE SCALP.

94. AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN,

95. TO THE BRAIN,

96. AS A RESULT,

97. FROM THE CELLS IN THE BRAIN,

98. LIKE A PRUNE.

99. A GRUESOME, PAINFUL DEATH.

100. BETTY'S BRAINS WERE COOKING INSIDE HER SKULL.

101. - WATCH THE HAIR!

102. BETTY WOULDN'T GIVE IT UP,

103. AND THEN SHE LIT IT UP.

104. OF HER KILLER HAIR.

105. COMING UP, A DRUGGIE'S BAD IDEA

106. BLOWS UP IN HIS FACE...

107. GET CATNIPPED.

108. WAS A FULL-ON SNORTIN',

109. SHOOTIN', PILL-POPPIN' DRUGGIE.

110. THERE WASN'T ANY SUBSTANCE HE HADN'T OR WOULDN'T ABUSE.

111. HIS BRAINS WEREN'T JUST FRIED, THEY WERE BURNED TO A CRISP.

112. POSTER BOY FOR WHAT NOT TO DO.

113. - AND TWO OF THESE, BECAUSE THERE'S ONE OF THOSE,

114. THERE'S GOT TO BE TWO OF THESE.

115. OR MORE—MORE THAN TWO, POSSIBLY,

116. BUT ACT THROUGH DIFFERENT PATHWAYS,

117. SEPARATELY.

118. - YES. YES. YES.

119. ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT,

120. FULL OF MIND-NUMBING SUBSTANCES.

121. PAINKILLERS, ANTIDEPRESSANTS,

122. COCAINE, AND CRYSTAL METH...

123. HE WAS OFF TO THE RACES.

124. - MM.

125. NOTHING COULD KEEP UP WITH HIM.

126. - YEAH!

127. HIS MUSIC FELT TOO SLOW...

128. - NO! NO!

129. FASTER! FASTER!

130. WAS NO MATCH FOR HIS MOUTH.

131. FROM THE '60s,

132. A LAVA LAMP,

133. FOR THIS WASTED SPEED FREAK.

134. - WHAT—WHAT IS WRONG? COME ON!

135. AND A PETROLEUM-BASED WAX.

136. TO HEAT UP,

137. THE WATER ITSELF.

138. TO THE TOP OF THE LAMP.

139. - GO! GO! GO! GO! MOVE, MAN, MOVE!

140. AH.

141. UP TO SPEED.

142. - YEAH! YEAH!

143. WILL BEGIN TO BOIL.

144. INTO A GASEOUS STATE.

145. IN ORDER FOR IT TO EXPLODE,

146. A TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF PRESSURE,

147. POWERFUL EXPLOSION.

148. - OH, YEAH. BOIL, BABY! BOIL!

149. IT WAS AN OVERDOSE OF BAD.

150. THE LAVA LAMP EXPLODED,

151. INTO DENNIS' FOREHEAD,

152. OF SUPERHEATED LAVA LIQUID.

153. THE LESSON HERE,

154. AND WILL EVENTUALLY KILL YOU.

155. INTO A MICROWAVE,

156. THAT'LL GET YOU THERE IN NO TIME AT ALL.

157. TIME'S UP, DENNIS.

158. - OKAY. AND YOU KNOW HOW OFTEN TO FEED ROCKY, RIGHT?

159. - YEAH. FOUR...

160. WITH AN INNOCENT CONVERSATION.

161. - ROCKY, I TALKED TO HIM,

162. AND HE'S EXCITED FOR SOME MALE-BONDING TIME,

163. 'CAUSE HE'S ALWAYS JUST BEEN STUCK WITH ME BEFORE.

164. OF HIS GIRLFRIEND ANNIE'S CAT

165. ON A BUSINESS TRIP.

166. THAT THERE'S NO WORMS THERE.

167. WASN'T HIS IDEA

168. OF A FUN WEEK.

169. THE GOOD GUY.

170. - I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THE CAT.

171. BUT YOU KNOW I'M ALLERGIC.

172. NOT ONLY WAS PETER ALLERGIC,

173. AND EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.

174. - OKAY. SO YOU KNOW TO FEED HIM TWICE A DAY.

175. - MM-HMM. - AND TO...

176. - THERE'S SO MANY PEOPLE

177. THAN THEY TREAT THEM.

178. - I LOVE YOU.

179. A HURRIED PECK ON THE CHEEK,

180. A QUICK GOOD-BYE, AND THE DOOR CLOSES,

181. WITH HIS NEMESIS.

182. - STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME.

183. THE CAT'S NAME WAS ROCKY,

184. WERE ABOUT TO GET.

185. SOON ENOUGH, PETER WAS A SNEEZING, WHEEZING

186. FOUNTAIN OF SNOT.

187. I HATE YOU.

188. IF HE HAD TO SUFFER,

189. AND GET AS DRUNK AS POSSIBLE.

190. BUT THE DRUNKER HE GOT, THE WORSE HE FELT,

191. ANNIE'S STUPID CAT.

192. TO GET IN THE RING WITH ROCKY.

193. AN EVEN MATCH.

194. CATS ARE SMART. DRUNKS ARE STUPID.

195. REALLY HARD,

196. DUE TO THE IMPACT,

197. THE BRIAN CELLS THEMSELVES.

198. THAT'S WHAT A CONCUSSION IS.

199. IN A SMALL POOL OF WATER,

200. THEY'RE OUT.

201. AND THEY'RE NOT GONNA RECOGNIZE THAT THEY'RE DYING.

202. KNOCKED OUT, HIS FACE IN A PET BOWL,

203. ALL THE WATER AND DROWNED.

204. ANY LIFE LESSONS?

205. WITH A CAT NAMED ROCKY.

206. UP NEXT, A WOMAN HAS A ROUGH TIME WITH SMOOTHIES,

207. SOME BAD SHOTS AT EACH OTHER.

208. - GO TO HELL!

209. SHE COULD LIVE FOREVER.

210. OF WHEATGRASS,

211. OF VITAMIN SUPPLEMENTS,

212. AGAINST THE AGING PROCESS.

213. - NUTRITION, EXERCISE

214. OF ANYBODY.

215. 120, 130 YEARS OLD SOMETIMES.

216. AND THEY SAY, WELL, IT'S JUST A BASIC, ORGANIC DIET.

217. WITH LOVING CARE.

218. WHAT SHE DIDN'T KNOW,

219. AND SPRAY RAT POISON EVERYWHERE,

220. OF IMMORTALITY.

221. WEEK AFTER WEEK, HER GARDEN

222. IN THE DEADLY VERMIN KILLER.

223. - BETTER DIE SOONER.

224. - RAT POISON IS COUMADIN,

225. WHICH IS A BLOOD THINNER.

226. BUT WE USE IT

227. FOR PEOPLE, UH,

228. IF THEY HAVE BLOOD CLOTS.

229. ANOTHER IMMORTAL COCKTAIL.

230. BUT THE MORE SHE DRANK, THE SICKER SHE WAS BECOMING.

231. WAS THE HOME-BREWED MEGA-JUICE,

232. KNOCKING THEM DOWN,

233. FEEL BETTER.

234. IF IT'S INGESTED ORALLY.

235. IT'S VERY EASY TO OVERDOSE

236. IN YOUR BLOOD.

237. ARLENE'S BLOOD

238. FOR OVER SIX WEEKS, CAUSING INTERNAL HEMORRHAGING,

239. SHE GOT ON HER EXERCISE BALL,

240. IN HER BRAIN EXPLODED.

241. - OVERDOSED ON COUMADIN,

242. YOU AREN'T ABLE TO MAKE ANY BLOOD CLOTS,

243. AND YOU'LL HAVE PROFUSE BLEEDING INTO YOUR JOINTS.

244. TO DEATH.

245. SHE COULD LIVE FOREVER.

246. DEATH.

247. TEN YEARS AGO,

248. ON THE WOMAN'S PRO GOLF TOUR.

249. - JOSH, COME ON! - FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

250. BUT HER UNCONTROLLABLE ANGER...

251. - YOU ARE SUCH AN A-HOLE!

252. CAUSED HER TO WASH OUT.

253. - UM, I THINK WE'RE NEXT.

254. - UH... - UH, YEAH.

255. WE CHECKED IN FIRST.

256. NOW SHE AND HER HUSBAND, JOSH,

257. AND TAKING CHEAP SHOTS...

258. AT EACH OTHER.

259. YOUR PRACTICE SWING.

260. - SHUT UP AND DRINK.

261. IF IT'S GOING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

262. SO ONE OF THEM IS WITHDRAWAL.

263. ANOTHER ONE IS STONEWALLING.

264. UH, ANOTHER ONE, WHICH IS THE MOST SIGNIFICANT ONE,

265. IS CONTEMPT.

266. IN A RELATIONSHIP,

267. THAT MEANS YOU'VE REALLY LOST

268. BETWEEN THE SPOUSES.

269. OF THE RELATIONSHIP.

270. - SHUT THE HELL UP!

271. - I'M TRYING TO PLAY A LITTLE GOLF HERE.

272. - I'M SO SORRY.

273. AS A TRIPLE BOGEY.

274. - SHUT UP! - WHAT A BITCH.

275. - DON'T MISS IT.

276. TO PLAY GOLF...?

277. MOIRA'S ONCE-PROMISING GOLF GAME

278. TO HULK HOGAN.

279. - I HATE YOU! - GET HIM! GET HIM!

280. - KILL THE BITCH! - I HATE YOU!

281. - YOU ARE THE DEVIL!

282. GOLF AS A GOOD WALK RUINED.

283. FOR THESE TWO, IT WAS ONE LONG BAD DRIVE.

284. - OH, AND BY THE WAY, MY SECRETARY,

285. I'VE BEEN SCREWING HER FOR THE PAST SIX MONTHS.

286. - OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? SO HAVE I.

287. - OH, I HATE YOU. - I HATE YOU. OH!

288. - THEY'RE AT THE MERCY OF WHATEVER THEY HIT.

289. OFF OF THEIR BLOOD SUPPLY.

290. CAN BE RIPPED.

291. FROM DECELERATION INJURIES.

292. AND ANGER AS THEIR HANDICAPS,

293. IT'S NO WONDER THESE TWO WOUND UP IN THE ROUGH.

294. LAST UP,

295. LEAVES IT'S OWN BLACK MARK.

296. AND UNREMARKABLE STOREFRONT.

297. IN THIS CASE, AN ILLEGAL UNDERGROUND RESTAURANT.

298. - GOOD EVENING, LADIES, GENTLEMEN.

299. VERY SPECIAL INGREDIENT.

300. I SURPRISE YOU. HA HA.

301. CHEF WANG'S RECIPE FOR SUCCESS?

302. FROM AROUND THE WORLD.

303. ON THE BRINK OF EXTINCTION.

304. HE'S OUT OF HIS MIND.

305. - YEAH, BUT HE COOKS UP A MEAN PANDA BEAR.

306. ARE BIG BUSINESS.

307. EVERY YEAR, UP TO 30,000 PRIMATES,

308. 2 TO 5 MILLION BIRDS, AND 10 MILLION REPTILES

309. ARE SOLD ILLEGALLY.

310. IT'S THE THIRD LARGEST ILLEGAL TRADE IN THE WORLD,

311. AND DRUGS.

312. - BOSS, WHAT SPECIAL INGREDIENT TONIGHT?

313. WE SERVE A KING COBRA!

314. - OOH.

315. TO CUT INTO HIS COBRA...

316. IT GOT LOOSE.

317. IN THE WORLD.

318. IF HE'S UP HOODED AT YOU,

319. HE'S GIVING YOU A WARNING— "PISS OFF."

320. - OH, VERY TRICKY SNAKE.

321. TO SCARE YOU,

322. VERY FEARSOME,

323. AND IT WORKS 99% OF THE TIME.

324. - BE CAREFUL, BOSS. - I'M VERY CAREFUL.

325. COME ON, LITTLE DEVIL.

326. GONNA CATCH YOU. GONNA MAKE GOOD DISH.

327. AAH! AAH! AAH!

328. - BOSS! BOSS! BOSS!

329. LIKE A HYPODERMIC NEEDLE.

330. THEY'RE HOLLOW OR GROOVED.

331. WHEN THEY BITE, THESE VENOM GLANDS SQUEEZE,

332. OF VENOM INTO YOU.

333. - YOU OKAY? YOU OKAY? - NO! NO! AAH! AAH!

334. TONIGHT'S MAIN DISH

335. WITH A POWERFUL NEUROTOXIN.

336. FOR HIS NERVOUS SYSTEM,

337. INCLUDING HIS ABILITY TO SEE, HEAR, AND BREATHE.

338. INFECTION ACROSS HIS FACE.

339. - AAH! AAH!

340. - WITHIN 20 MINUTES, YOU ASPHYXIATE,

341. AND YOUR HEART STOPS, AND, UH, YOU'RE DONE, SON.

342. AS THE SAYING GOES, "YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT."

343. IN CHEF WANG'S CASE,

344. DEAD.