1000 Ways to Die 2x7

1. - OOH, OOH!

2. male narrator: DANGER, DANGER.

3. DEATH IS IN THE AIR.

4. THOSE BREATHING IN ITS NOXIOUS FUMES ARE

5. A HOT SEEKER WHO MEETS A COLD-BLOODED SNAKE,

6. A LITTLE GUY WHO SWALLOWS HIS PRIDE,

7. A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS. - WHOA!

8. A MUSICIAN WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF BED,

9. A GOLD DIGGER WHO CASHES OUT,

10. A CROOK WHO TAKES THE WRONG LOOK,

11. AND A JILTED LOVER WHO GETS PUT OUT WITH THE TRASH.

12. SETTLE IN AND GET COMFY.

13. THE NEXT EPISODE OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE IS HERE.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST

18. GERMS,

19. TOXINS,

20. INJURY,

21. ILLNESS,

22. AND CATASTROPHE.

23. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

24. THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

25. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

26. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

27. IN THE NEW AGE ENCLAVE

28. OF ST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA,

29. SERENITY WAS ON A QUEST FOR WHAT BUDDHISTS CALL

30. SATORI,

31. WHICH MEANS "ENLIGHTENMENT."

32. EVERY DAY, SHE LED A DISCIPLINED REGIMEN

33. OF YOGA EXERCISES AND MEDITATION.

34. ALL WITH THE GOAL OF FREEING HER MIND

35. AND BECOMING ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE.

36. THE CENTERPIECE FOR HER QUEST FOR NIRVANA

37. WAS A HOMEMADE ISOLATION TANK.

38. - AS YOU LIE THERE IN THE DARK, WARM LIQUID

39. THAT'S HEATED TO YOUR EXTERNAL SKIN TEMPERATURE,

40. YOU BEGIN TO SORT OF LOSE A SENSE OF YOUR BODY SPACE.

41. YOU KNOW, THE BOUNDARIES OF WHERE YOU END

42. AND WHERE THE WATER BEGINS.

43. IT'S EXTREMELY PEACEFUL AND BLISSFUL

44. WHEN YOU COME OUT OF THE TANK AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OR TWO.

45. ST. AUGUSTINE IS HOME

46. TO MANY SPIRITUAL SEEKERS LIKE SERENITY.

47. IT'S ALSO HOME TO THE FLORIDA WATER MOCCASIN—

48. AN EXTREMELY VENOMOUS SNAKE.

49. AS SERENITY GOT HERSELF INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE,

50. THE SNAKE GOT ITSELF INTO THE NICE, WARM TANK.

51. - SNAKES ARE ECTOTHERMIC.

52. LIKE ALL REPTILES, THEY ACTUALLY HAVE

53. TO RAISE THEIR BODY TEMPERATURE BY SEEKING SOME SORT OF

54. EXTERNAL MEANS TO ELEVATE THEIR TEMPERATURE.

55. USUALLY THEY'RE GONNA BASK IN THE SUN.

56. BUT IF IT'S NIGHTTIME, THEY'RE GONNA SEEK OUT

57. WHATEVER WARMTH THEY CAN FIND.

58. ONCE INSIDE THE TANK,

59. SERENITY'S MIND WAS FREE TO WANDER THE COSMOS.

60. IN HER BLISSED OUT STATE,

61. SERENITY HAD NO IDEA SHE WASN'T ALONE.

62. THE SNAKE FOLLOWED ITS OWN BLISS...

63. AND BIT HER.

64. - AH!

65. - THE WATER MOCCASIN, BEING A PIT VIPER,

66. RELIES ON A VERY STRONG VENOM THAT CARRIES A HEMOTOXIN

67. WHICH IS GONNA BREAK DOWN ANY SORT OF MUSCLE TISSUE.

68. THAT TOXIN IS INJECTED THROUGH TWO NEEDLE-LIKE FANGS,

69. GOING INTO THE MUSCLES, AND CAN ACTUALLY GO INTO THE HEART.

70. AND THAT IS DEFINITELY GONNA RESULT IN A FATAL BITE.

71. SERENITY WAS LOOKING FOR PARADISE ON EARTH.

72. SHE SHOULD'VE REALIZED IN EVERY EDEN

73. THERE'S ALWAYS A SNAKE TO WATCH OUT FOR.

74. - SO A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR, AND THE BARTENDER SAYS,

75. "WHY THE LONG FACE?"

76. RAMON WAS A LITTLE PERSON WITH A BIG PROBLEM.

77. IT WAS FIVE FEET, EIGHT INCHES TALL.

78. AND ITS NAME WAS DORIS.

79. DORIS HAD A THING FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

80. SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE, HUMILIATE, AND EVEN ABUSE THEM.

81. RAMON WAS HER LATEST PET.

82. HE PUT UP WITH HER MISTREATMENT

83. IN ORDER TO BE WITH A BIG WOMAN.

84. BUT DORIS WANTED RAMON TO MAKE MORE MONEY,

85. OR ELSE SHE WAS GONE.

86. HIS PLAN TO KEEP HIS FULL-SIZED HOTTIE HAPPY?

87. - "THE SHORT RAMON COMEDY HOUR."

88. A STAND-UP COMEDY AND MUSIC ROUTINE.

89. - NICE.

90. BESIDES DORIS, RAMON HAD ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM...

91. HE WASN'T FUNNY.

92. - BUT GUESS WHAT HER FAVORITE RESTAURANT WAS.

93. IHOP!

94. RAMON WAS CONSTANTLY TRYING OUT NEW MATERIAL

95. WITH A BORED DORIS AS HIS ONLY AUDIENCE.

96. - WHOA.

97. FINALLY, DORIS HAD ENOUGH.

98. - WHY DON'T YOU GET A REAL JOB?

99. - SHE WOUND UP AND WHACKED HIM WITH HER PURSE.

100. KNOCKING HIS HARMONICA DEEP DOWN HIS THROAT.

101. - A GENTLEMAN WITH AN HARMONICA

102. IN HIS THROAT THROUGH HIS AIRWAY,

103. THE OBJECT PARTIALLY OBSTRUCTS THE AIRWAY,

104. IRRITATES THE LARYNX,

105. AND THE LARYNX DEVELOPS SECONDARY SPASM,

106. WHICH MAY COMPLETELY OBSTRUCT THE AIRWAY.

107. WITH THE HARMONICA LODGED IN HIS WINDPIPE,

108. RAMON'S STRUGGLE TO BREATHE

109. PRODUCED AN EERIE TWO-NOTE MELODY.

110. - NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

111. HIS LAST SONG BECAME HIS DEATH RATTLE.

112. IT'S FUNNY WHAT PEOPLE WILL DO FOR LOVE.

113. WELL...

114. NOT THAT FUNNY.

115. COMING UP... - GET OFF.

116. A MARRIAGE HITS THE ROCKS.

117. AND A GUITAR PLAYER GOES FROM HERO...

118. TO ZERO.

119. SOMETIMES, THINGS AREN'T AS THEY SEEM.

120. TAKE THESE TWO HIKERS, FOR EXAMPLE.

121. MARCO AND WANDA SEEM TO BE

122. JUST ANOTHER MARRIED COUPLE OUT FOR A HIKE.

123. THEY DON'T APPEAR TO BE THE HAPPIEST OF COUPLES.

124. BUT IF WANDA KNEW JUST HOW TRULY UNHAPPY HER HUSBAND WAS,

125. SHE WOULD'VE SKIPPED THE HIKE... - LET'S GO!

126. AND CALLED THE POLICE.

127. - WHAT A DOUCHE.

128. - WHEN YOU LOSE RESPECT IN A RELATIONSHIP,

129. THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

130. IT CAN ERODE THAT TRUST.

131. IT CAN ERODE THE GOOD FEELINGS WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP.

132. - WE JUST RAN. AFTER FIVE YEARS,

133. THEIR MARRIAGE WAS ON THE ROCKS.

134. - YOUR ASS IS GETTING BIGGER.

135. THEY ALREADY DISCUSSED DIVORCE.

136. BUT MARCO HAD A MUCH SIMPLER PLAN.

137. - HEY, I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.

138. - MAKE SURE YOU JIGGLE IT WHEN IT'S DONE.

139. HE WAS GOING TO KILL HER.

140. MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT,

141. AND SPEND ALL THE INSURANCE MONEY WITH HIS MISTRESS.

142. - YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT, BABY, YEAH.

143. I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO.

144. LET'S GO. YOU READY? - YEAH.

145. - LOOK AT THIS VIEW.

146. THIS IS, LIKE, A 280-DEGREE VIEW HERE.

147. MARCO THOUGHT HE'D BE ABLE TO TURN ON THE CHARM

148. ONE LAST TIME BEFORE HE DID THE DIRTY DEED.

149. BUT WANDA WASN'T BUYING IT.

150. - YOU KNOW WHAT THIS VIEW REMINDS ME OF?

151. WHY I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT YOU ANYMORE.

152. THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.

153. - COME ON, BABY. LET'S TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER.

154. IT WAS TIME FOR DIVORCE, MARCO STYLE.

155. - GET OFF!

156. - WHOA!

157. - SOMEONE THAT FALLS FROM TWO TO THREE STORIES

158. AND LANDS ON THEIR FACE CAN RESULT IN

159. FACIAL FRACTURES, SKULL FRACTURES,

160. BLEEDING FROM THE BRAIN AS IT COLLIDES WITH

161. THE INSIDE OF THE SKULL,

162. AND LIKELY, TRAUMA TO THE SPINAL COLUMN.

163. AS MUCH AS WANDA WANTED TO GET RID OF MARCO...

164. - OH, MY GOD!

165. THIS WAS NOT HOW SHE IMAGINED IT.

166. - SMILE FOR THE PICTURE. - GET OFF.

167. MARCO'S PLAN DIDN'T JUST BACKFIRE...

168. IT BROKE HIS BACK.

169. THERE ARE TWO THINGS ABOUT JOEY

170. THAT IDENTIFY HIM AS A TYPICAL MUSICIAN...

171. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FIRST SONG ON MY NEW ALBUM,

172. BABY, BABY, BABY

173. WITH MY SMASH HIT, BABY, BABY, BABY.

174. HE LIVED IN A COMPLETE FANTASY WORLD

175. WHERE HE WAS ALREADY A HUGE STAR.

176. AND TWO, HE WAS BROKE.

177. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

178. - TO BECOME A SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN,

179. YOU LITERALLY HAVE TO PUT YOUR BALLS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK.

180. I'VE BEEN IN SITUATIONS WHERE I LITERALLY HAD NO IDEA

181. WHERE THE NEXT DOLLAR WAS GONNA COME FROM.

182. SOMETIMES YOU CAN USE IT AS AN EXCUSE

183. TO SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST DOING THIS FOR MY ART, MAN."

184. BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PAY THE RENT,

185. YOU'LL END UP ON THE STREET.

186. THE STREET WAS RIGHT WHERE JOEY WAS HEADED.

187. HE WAS THREE MONTHS BEHIND ON HIS RENT.

188. JOEY WAS PUTTING HIS LIFE INTO A NEW SONG,

189. HOPING THAT THIS WOULD BE HIS BIG HIT.

190. BUT THEN REALITY CAME KNOCKING.

191. - JOEY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

192. HIS LANDLORD DIDN'T SOUND TOO HAPPY.

193. - GIMME MY THE FREAKIN' RENT!

194. JOEY WAS TRAPPED.

195. HE HAD NOWHERE TO HIDE EXCEPT HIS WALL-BED.

196. - NEVER RENT TO A FREAKIN' MUSICIAN!

197. JOEY HAD DITCHED HIS HOMICIDAL LANDLORD,

198. BUT HE NOW WAS FACED WITH A BIGGER PROBLEM.

199. THE BED WAS STUCK.

200. AND WITH THE MATTRESS AND COVERS SEALING UP THE CRACKS,

201. HE WAS RUNNING OUT OF AIR.

202. - TIME'S YOUR ENEMY.

203. YOU ARE BACKED UP AGAINST THE MATTRESS,

204. THE MATTRESS COULD BE AGAINST YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR NOSE,

205. WHICH IS THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN GET AIR AND OXYGEN

206. INTO YOUR BODY.

207. THE MECHANICS CAN BE AGAINST YOU,

208. BECAUSE THE MATTRESS COULD BE PRESSING AGAINST YOU

209. AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

210. AND YOU'VE BASICALLY CHOKED OFF THE OXYGEN SUPPLY TO THE LUNGS,

211. WHICH THEN FRESHEN OUT THE BLOOD.

212. YOU BASICALLY ASPHYXIATE TO DEATH.

213. JOEY HAD SOUNDPROOFED HIS PAD

214. WITH CHEAP EGG CARTONS.

215. NO ONE COULD HEAR HIS MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP.

216. OVER THE NEXT HOUR, HE WENT FROM ROCK STAR...

217. TO STONE COLD DEAD.

218. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

219. YOU'RE TOO KIND. YOU'RE TOO KIND.

220. UP NEXT...

221. A THIEF GETS NAILED DURING FOREPLAY,

222. AND MONEY CAN'T BUY LOVE,

223. BUT IT SURE CAN SCREW YOU.

224. MOST PEOPLE PLAY BY THE RULES

225. AND THINK LEADING A LIFE OF CRIME WOULD BE A BAD IDEA.

226. THEN THERE'S DICKY.

227. HE LIVES ON THE OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY,

228. STEALING WHATEVER ISN'T TIED DOWN.

229. THE VIDEO ARCADE WAS RIPE FOR HIS PICKING.

230. - A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE INVOLVED IN CRIME.

231. THEY GET THE THRILL OUT OF IT. IT'S THE ADRENALINE RUSH.

232. BUT THEY RATIONALIZE THAT STEALING,

233. TAKING THINGS FROM PEOPLE, IS NOT A BAD THING.

234. LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO HIDE UNTIL CLOSING TIME,

235. DICKY WOUND UP BEHIND THE VIRTUAL GOLF GAME.

236. NOBODY WOULD ACCUSE DICKY OF BEING OVERLY BRIGHT.

237. IN FACT, THIS GUY WAS ALL KNUCKLE AND NO HEAD.

238. WHILE WAITING FOR EVERYONE TO CLEAR OUT,

239. HE GOT RESTLESS.

240. HE CUT A HOLE IN THE PROJECTION SCREEN

241. TO SEE HOW THINGS WERE GOING.

242. AT THIS POINT, YOU SHOULD BE SAYING TO YOURSELF,

243. "WELL, THAT'S A STUPID IDEA."

244. - FORE!

245. - IF A SMALL OBJECT IS TRAVELING AT TERMINAL VELOCITY,

246. IT CAN ACT JUST LIKE A BULLET.

247. THERE MAY BE BLEEDING FROM A SKULL FRACTURE,

248. WHICH RESULTS IN THE BRAIN BEING COMPRESSED INSIDE THE SKULL.

249. AND IF THE BRAIN GETS PUSHED DOWN

250. THE CANAL WHERE THE SPINAL CORD COMES OUT,

251. THEN THAT RESULTS IN BRAIN DEATH.

252. A GOLF BALL CAN COME OFF A CLUB HEAD

253. AT WELL OVER 100 MILES AN HOUR,

254. WITH ENOUGH FORCE TO BREAK SOMEONE'S SKULL AND KILL THEM.

255. THAT IS, IF THEY WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO GET IN ITS WAY.

256. DICK-Y.

257. - GAME OVER.

258. BRANDY WAS IN LOVE...

259. WITH MONEY.

260. SHE WOULD SPEND HOURS EVERY DAY PLAYING WITH IT.

261. TOUCHING IT.

262. - YEAH!

263. FONDLING IT.

264. BASICALLY, MAKING LOVE TO HER HUGE PILE OF RICHES.

265. FOR BRANDY, THE BEST THING ABOUT HER MONEY

266. WAS THAT SHE HAD MANAGED TO STEAL IT ALL

267. FROM HER RICH, OLD GEEZER HUSBAND.

268. - KA-CHING, YEAH!

269. YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, YOU REALLY WERE AWESOME.

270. - WAS I?

271. THE OLD GEEZER THOUGHT HE HAD IT MADE.

272. HE GOT TO BANG ON BRANDY EVERY NIGHT.

273. - SLAM ME AGAINST THE WALL. - AT MY AGE, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

274. - IT'S THAT V YOU GOT.

275. AND EVERY TIME SHE ASKED HIM FOR SOME DOUGH,

276. HE WOULD FIGURE OUT A WAY TO SAY NO.

277. - YOU KNOW, DARLING, ABOUT MY ALLOWANCE...

278. I THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE BUMP, DON'T YOU THINK?

279. - EH, YOU KNOW...

280. HAVEN'T YOU BEEN READING THE NEWSPAPERS, WATCHING THE TV?

281. THE ECONOMY SUCKS, ALL MY STOCKS ARE DOWN.

282. BUT BRANDY HAD A SECRET.

283. INSIDE HER HIGH-SECURITY VANITY ROOM

284. WAS HER OWN PERSONAL FORT KNOX OF WEALTH AND RICHES.

285. ALL OF IT STOLEN FROM HER TIGHTWAD HUSBAND.

286. - MWAH.

287. WHOO!

288. BRANDY WAS A NAUGHTY GIRL.

289. - SPANK ME HARD, DADDY.

290. WHOO!

291. BUT SHE WAS ABOUT TO GET SPANKED

292. BY SOMETHING A LOT WORSE...

293. DEEP DOWN BELOW THE EARTH,

294. A RUMBLING BEGAN.

295. IT WAS PAYBACK TIME FOR HER YEARS OF LARCENY.

296. EARTHQUAKE.

297. AN ACT OF GOD BROUGHT HER WORLDLY GOODS TUMBLING DOWN.

298. - WHEN A PILE OF STUFF COMES CRASHING DOWN ON SOMEBODY,

299. IT COULD BE LIKE SOMEBODY HAS YOU IN A VICE-LIKE EMBRACE

300. AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

301. YOU CAN'T GET YOUR LUNGS TO OPEN AND CLOSE

302. TO GET THE AIR IN OR OUT TO BREATHE,

303. THE MECHANICS ARE WORKING AGAINST YOU.

304. AND YOU COULD BASICALLY EFFECTIVELY

305. BE SQUEEZED TO DEATH.

306. SOMETIMES A BIG PILE OF CASH

307. DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

308. IT LEAVES YOU... DEAD.

309. YOU WON'T WANNA MISS THIS.

310. A JILTED LOVER GOES ON A ROLL...

311. UP NEXT.

312. WEDDINGS ARE NORMALLY HAPPY AFFAIRS.

313. EXCEPT WHEN ONE OF THE GUESTS IS

314. THE BITTER EX-LOVER OF THE BLUSHING BRIDE.

315. SAY HELLO TO MURPH.

316. HE'S NOT JUST BITTER,

317. HE'S INSANELY ANGRY AND JEALOUS.

318. THE ONLY REASON HE CAME IS TO GET HIS REVENGE

319. ON THE WOMAN HE ONCE HOPED WOULD BE HIS WIFE.

320. BEING THE CREEP THAT HE WAS,

321. MURPH HAD COOKED UP A PRETTY NASTY PAYBACK SCHEME.

322. - HEY, BUDDY.

323. GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS TO SLIP SOME OF THIS IN THE BRIDE'S DRINK.

324. - 20 BUCKS? NO WAY.

325. - ALL RIGHT, FINE.

326. 100 BUCKS.

327. - DONE.

328. - LAXATIVES DECREASE THE WATER WITHIN THE BLOODSTREAM.

329. WATER GOES FROM YOUR BLOOD TO THE COLON INSTEAD.

330. THE HIGH CONCENTRATION OF LAXATIVE

331. IS GOING TO HAVE A VERY ACUTE AND DRAMATIC EFFECT.

332. - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

333. THE PLAN WAS WORKING.

334. - HERE'S TO YOU, BITCH.

335. MURPH GULPED DOWN HIS OWN GLASS OF BUBBLY,

336. AND STEPPED UP TO DELIVER A BOWEL-BURSTING TOAST.

337. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

338. A MOMENT FOR THE LOVELY AMY.

339. HE STRETCHED IT OUT.

340. TRYING TO EAT UP AS MUCH OF THE CLOCK AS POSSIBLE.

341. - WE SPENT A LOT OF TIME TOGETHER.

342. A LOT OF TIME...

343. NOW SHE'S WITH YOU.

344. THIS YOUNG, WELL-ENDOWED STUD—

345. BY THE TIME HE WAS DONE,

346. HER VIRGINAL WHITE GOWN WOULD LOOK LIKE

347. A ROLL OF USED TOILET PAPER.

348. - I SPENT A LOT OF MONEY ON HER.

349. BUT LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN THIS LOSER'S LIFE,

350. IT DIDN'T TURN OUT LIKE HE EXPECTED.

351. - I JUST WANNA WISH YOU BOTH THE BEST OF LUCK.

352. - OH!

353. OOH!

354. OH, OH, OH!

355. OH, OH, OH, OH!

356. THE WAITER HAD A PANG OF CONSCIENCE

357. AND GAVE MURPH THE SPIKED DRINK.

358. - GUYS, COME ON, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

359. DESPERATE,

360. HE UNLOADED IN THE ONLY CAN HE COULD FIND.

361. - AH! AH.

362. IN A CLASSIC CASE OF BAD TO WORSE,

363. MURPH FOUND HIMSELF STUCK IN HIS DUMPSTER.

364. - AH!

365. AH.

366. - IF YOU HAVE SOMEBODY THAT'S STUFFED INTO A GARBAGE CAN—

367. IT'S NOT A NATURAL POSITION, OBVIOUSLY—

368. SO AS THEY'RE ROLLING, YOU ARE GONNA HAVE

369. PROBABLY SPINAL INJURIES, FOR ONE THING.

370. AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HITTING THEIR HEAD REPEATEDLY.

371. SO IT'S GONNA HAVE AN EFFECT OF

372. BOUNCING THE BRAIN AROUND INSIDE THE SKULL.

373. THIS CREATES A SWELLING AND INTERNAL BLEEDING IN THE BRAIN.

374. - AH!

375. MURPH'S PLAN OF REVENGE BACKFIRED.

376. INSTEAD OF HUMILIATING HIS EX-LOVER,

377. HE GOT DISEMBOWELED... - AH!

378. WENT ON A ROLL,

379. WOUND UP COVERED IN HIS OWN FILTH,

380. AND FINALLY DEAD.

381. BOTTOMS UP, MURPH.