1000 Ways to Die 2x7

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An amateur car customer gets swept away, a cheapskate gets what he paid for and a real estate deal goes up in flames.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - OOH, OOH!

2. male narrator: DANGER, DANGER.

3. DEATH IS IN THE AIR.

4. MEETS A COLD-BLOODED SNAKE,

5. WHO SWALLOWS HIS PRIDE,

6. A MARRIAGE ON THE ROCKS. - WHOA!

7. WHO CAN'T GET OUT OF BED,

8. A GOLD DIGGER WHO CASHES OUT,

9. THE WRONG LOOK,

10. PUT OUT WITH THE TRASH.

11. SETTLE IN AND GET COMFY.

12. 1,000 WAYS TO DIE IS HERE.

13. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

14. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT,

15. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

16. EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT

17. GERMS,

18. TOXINS,

19. INJURY,

20. ILLNESS,

21. AND CATASTROPHE.

22. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

23. AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

24. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

25. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

26. OF ST. AUGUSTINE, FLORIDA,

27. SATORI,

28. "ENLIGHTENMENT."

29. EVERY DAY, SHE LED

30. AND MEDITATION.

31. WITH THE UNIVERSE.

32. ISOLATION TANK.

33. IN THE DARK, WARM LIQUID

34. THAT'S HEATED TO YOUR EXTERNAL SKIN TEMPERATURE,

35. A SENSE OF YOUR BODY SPACE.

36. YOU KNOW,

37. THE WATER BEGINS.

38. IT'S EXTREMELY

39. AFTER ABOUT AN HOUR OR TWO.

40. ST. AUGUSTINE

41. LIKE SERENITY.

42. IT'S ALSO HOME TO

43. AN EXTREMELY VENOMOUS SNAKE.

44. INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE,

45. INTO THE NICE, WARM TANK.

46. - SNAKES ARE ECTOTHERMIC.

47. LIKE ALL REPTILES,

48. TO ELEVATE THEIR TEMPERATURE.

49. USUALLY THEY'RE GONNA BASK IN THE SUN.

50. BUT IF IT'S NIGHTTIME, THEY'RE GONNA SEEK OUT

51. WHATEVER WARMTH THEY CAN FIND.

52. ONCE INSIDE THE TANK,

53. SERENITY'S MIND WAS FREE TO WANDER THE COSMOS.

54. IN HER BLISSED OUT STATE,

55. SHE WASN'T ALONE.

56. ITS OWN BLISS...

57. AND BIT HER.

58. - AH!

59. - THE WATER MOCCASIN, BEING A PIT VIPER,

60. ANY SORT OF MUSCLE TISSUE.

61. TWO NEEDLE-LIKE FANGS,

62. GOING INTO THE MUSCLES, AND CAN ACTUALLY GO INTO THE HEART.

63. GONNA RESULT IN A FATAL BITE.

64. LOOKING FOR PARADISE ON EARTH.

65. SHE SHOULD'VE REALIZED

66. THERE'S ALWAYS A SNAKE TO WATCH OUT FOR.

67. - SO A HORSE WALKS INTO A BAR, AND THE BARTENDER SAYS,

68. "WHY THE LONG FACE?"

69. PERSON WITH A BIG PROBLEM.

70. IT WAS FIVE FEET, EIGHT INCHES TALL.

71. AND ITS NAME WAS DORIS.

72. FOR LITTLE PEOPLE.

73. SHE LIKED TO DOMINATE, HUMILIATE, AND EVEN ABUSE THEM.

74. RAMON WAS HER LATEST PET.

75. HE PUT UP

76. WITH A BIG WOMAN.

77. TO MAKE MORE MONEY,

78. OR ELSE SHE WAS GONE.

79. HIS FULL-SIZED HOTTIE HAPPY?

80. - "THE SHORT RAMON COMEDY HOUR."

81. COMEDY AND MUSIC ROUTINE.

82. - NICE.

83. BESIDES DORIS, RAMON HAD ANOTHER BIG PROBLEM...

84. HE WASN'T FUNNY.

85. HER FAVORITE RESTAURANT WAS.

86. IHOP!

87. AS HIS ONLY AUDIENCE.

88. - WHOA.

89. FINALLY, DORIS HAD ENOUGH.

90. - WHY DON'T YOU GET A REAL JOB?

91. WHACKED HIM WITH HER PURSE.

92. DEEP DOWN HIS THROAT.

93. THROUGH HIS AIRWAY,

94. OBSTRUCTS THE AIRWAY,

95. IRRITATES THE LARYNX,

96. DEVELOPS SECONDARY SPASM,

97. OBSTRUCT THE AIRWAY.

98. LODGED IN HIS WINDPIPE,

99. RAMON'S STRUGGLE TO BREATHE

100. AN EERIE TWO-NOTE MELODY.

101. - NOW THAT'S FUNNY.

102. BECAME HIS DEATH RATTLE.

103. IT'S FUNNY WHAT PEOPLE WILL DO FOR LOVE.

104. WELL...

105. NOT THAT FUNNY.

106. COMING UP... - GET OFF.

107. HITS THE ROCKS.

108. GOES FROM HERO...

109. TO ZERO.

110. SOMETIMES, THINGS AREN'T AS THEY SEEM.

111. TAKE THESE TWO HIKERS, FOR EXAMPLE.

112. OUT FOR A HIKE.

113. THEY DON'T APPEAR TO BE THE HAPPIEST OF COUPLES.

114. TRULY UNHAPPY HER HUSBAND WAS,

115. SHE WOULD'VE SKIPPED THE HIKE... - LET'S GO!

116. AND CALLED THE POLICE.

117. - WHAT A DOUCHE.

118. IN A RELATIONSHIP,

119. THIS IS WHAT CAN HAPPEN.

120. IT CAN ERODE THAT TRUST.

121. WITHIN THE RELATIONSHIP.

122. - WE JUST RAN. AFTER FIVE YEARS,

123. WAS ON THE ROCKS.

124. - YOUR ASS IS GETTING BIGGER.

125. ALREADY DISCUSSED DIVORCE.

126. A MUCH SIMPLER PLAN.

127. - HEY, I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK.

128. WHEN IT'S DONE.

129. TO KILL HER.

130. MAKE IT LOOK LIKE AN ACCIDENT,

131. MONEY WITH HIS MISTRESS.

132. - YEAH, I'M GONNA DO IT, BABY, YEAH.

133. I GOTTA GO, I GOTTA GO.

134. LET'S GO. YOU READY? - YEAH.

135. - LOOK AT THIS VIEW.

136. THIS IS, LIKE, A 280-DEGREE VIEW HERE.

137. MARCO THOUGHT HE'D BE

138. HE DID THE DIRTY DEED.

139. BUT WANDA WASN'T BUYING IT.

140. THIS VIEW REMINDS ME OF?

141. WHY I CAN'T STAND LOOKING AT YOU ANYMORE.

142. THAT WAS THE LAST STRAW.

143. - COME ON, BABY. LET'S TAKE A PICTURE TOGETHER.

144. FOR DIVORCE, MARCO STYLE.

145. - GET OFF!

146. - WHOA!

147. FACIAL FRACTURES, SKULL FRACTURES,

148. THE INSIDE OF THE SKULL,

149. AND LIKELY, TRAUMA TO THE SPINAL COLUMN.

150. WANTED TO GET RID OF MARCO...

151. - OH, MY GOD!

152. HOW SHE IMAGINED IT.

153. - SMILE FOR THE PICTURE. - GET OFF.

154. MARCO'S PLAN DIDN'T JUST BACKFIRE...

155. IT BROKE HIS BACK.

156. AS A TYPICAL MUSICIAN...

157. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FIRST SONG ON MY NEW ALBUM,

158. BABY, BABY, BABY

159. WITH MY SMASH HIT, BABY, BABY, BABY.

160. ALREADY A HUGE STAR.

161. AND TWO, HE WAS BROKE.

162. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

163. A SUCCESSFUL MUSICIAN,

164. BALLS ON THE CHOPPING BLOCK.

165. I'VE BEEN IN SITUATIONS

166. WAS GONNA COME FROM.

167. TO SAY, "YOU KNOW WHAT, I'M JUST DOING THIS FOR MY ART, MAN."

168. BUT IF YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO PAY THE RENT,

169. YOU'LL END UP ON THE STREET.

170. RIGHT WHERE JOEY WAS HEADED.

171. ON HIS RENT.

172. HIS LIFE INTO A NEW SONG,

173. WOULD BE HIS BIG HIT.

174. REALITY CAME KNOCKING.

175. - JOEY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

176. DIDN'T SOUND TOO HAPPY.

177. - GIMME MY THE FREAKIN' RENT!

178. JOEY WAS TRAPPED.

179. EXCEPT HIS WALL-BED.

180. TO A FREAKIN' MUSICIAN!

181. HIS HOMICIDAL LANDLORD,

182. WITH A BIGGER PROBLEM.

183. THE BED WAS STUCK.

184. SEALING UP THE CRACKS,

185. HE WAS RUNNING OUT OF AIR.

186. - TIME'S YOUR ENEMY.

187. AGAINST THE MATTRESS,

188. YOUR MOUTH AND YOUR NOSE,

189. INTO YOUR BODY.

190. CAN BE AGAINST YOU,

191. AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

192. AND YOU'VE BASICALLY CHOKED OFF THE OXYGEN SUPPLY TO THE LUNGS,

193. FRESHEN OUT THE BLOOD.

194. ASPHYXIATE TO DEATH.

195. WITH CHEAP EGG CARTONS.

196. HIS MUFFLED CRIES FOR HELP.

197. OVER THE NEXT HOUR, HE WENT FROM ROCK STAR...

198. TO STONE COLD DEAD.

199. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

200. YOU'RE TOO KIND. YOU'RE TOO KIND.

201. UP NEXT...

202. DURING FOREPLAY,

203. AND MONEY CAN'T BUY LOVE,

204. BUT IT SURE CAN SCREW YOU.

205. OF CRIME WOULD BE A BAD IDEA.

206. THEN THERE'S DICKY.

207. THE OUTSIDE OF SOCIETY,

208. ISN'T TIED DOWN.

209. WAS RIPE FOR HIS PICKING.

210. ARE INVOLVED IN CRIME.

211. THEY GET THE THRILL OUT OF IT. IT'S THE ADRENALINE RUSH.

212. THAT STEALING,

213. TAKING THINGS FROM PEOPLE, IS NOT A BAD THING.

214. TO HIDE UNTIL CLOSING TIME,

215. BEHIND THE VIRTUAL GOLF GAME.

216. OF BEING OVERLY BRIGHT.

217. IN FACT, THIS GUY WAS ALL KNUCKLE AND NO HEAD.

218. EVERYONE TO CLEAR OUT,

219. HE GOT RESTLESS.

220. TO SEE HOW THINGS WERE GOING.

221. AT THIS POINT, YOU SHOULD BE SAYING TO YOURSELF,

222. "WELL, THAT'S A STUPID IDEA."

223. - FORE!

224. AT TERMINAL VELOCITY,

225. IT CAN ACT JUST LIKE A BULLET.

226. FROM A SKULL FRACTURE,

227. COMPRESSED INSIDE THE SKULL.

228. THE SPINAL CORD COMES OUT,

229. RESULTS IN BRAIN DEATH.

230. 100 MILES AN HOUR,

231. SOMEONE'S SKULL AND KILL THEM.

232. THAT IS, IF THEY WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO GET IN ITS WAY.

233. DICK-Y.

234. - GAME OVER.

235. BRANDY WAS IN LOVE...

236. WITH MONEY.

237. EVERY DAY PLAYING WITH IT.

238. TOUCHING IT.

239. - YEAH!

240. FONDLING IT.

241. BASICALLY, MAKING LOVE TO HER HUGE PILE OF RICHES.

242. FOR BRANDY, THE BEST

243. FROM HER RICH, OLD GEEZER HUSBAND.

244. - KA-CHING, YEAH!

245. YOU KNOW, LAST NIGHT, YOU REALLY WERE AWESOME.

246. - WAS I?

247. HE HAD IT MADE.

248. EVERY NIGHT.

249. - SLAM ME AGAINST THE WALL. - AT MY AGE, CAN YOU IMAGINE?

250. - IT'S THAT V YOU GOT.

251. SHE ASKED HIM FOR SOME DOUGH,

252. A WAY TO SAY NO.

253. - YOU KNOW, DARLING, ABOUT MY ALLOWANCE...

254. I THINK I DESERVE A LITTLE BUMP, DON'T YOU THINK?

255. - EH, YOU KNOW...

256. HAVEN'T YOU BEEN READING THE NEWSPAPERS, WATCHING THE TV?

257. THE ECONOMY SUCKS, ALL MY STOCKS ARE DOWN.

258. HAD A SECRET.

259. OF WEALTH AND RICHES.

260. FROM HER TIGHTWAD HUSBAND.

261. - MWAH.

262. WHOO!

263. BRANDY WAS A NAUGHTY GIRL.

264. - SPANK ME HARD, DADDY.

265. WHOO!

266. BUT SHE

267. BY SOMETHING A LOT WORSE...

268. BELOW THE EARTH,

269. A RUMBLING BEGAN.

270. FOR HER YEARS OF LARCENY.

271. EARTHQUAKE.

272. HER WORLDLY GOODS TUMBLING DOWN.

273. COMES CRASHING DOWN ON SOMEBODY,

274. AND YOU CAN'T EXPAND OR CONTRACT YOUR CHEST.

275. YOU CAN'T GET YOUR LUNGS

276. TO GET THE AIR IN OR OUT TO BREATHE,

277. ARE WORKING AGAINST YOU.

278. BE SQUEEZED TO DEATH.

279. DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY.

280. IT LEAVES YOU... DEAD.

281. YOU WON'T WANNA MISS THIS.

282. A JILTED LOVER GOES ON A ROLL...

283. UP NEXT.

284. ARE NORMALLY HAPPY AFFAIRS.

285. OF THE BLUSHING BRIDE.

286. SAY HELLO TO MURPH.

287. HE'S NOT JUST BITTER,

288. HE'S INSANELY ANGRY AND JEALOUS.

289. HOPED WOULD BE HIS WIFE.

290. BEING THE CREEP THAT HE WAS,

291. A PRETTY NASTY PAYBACK SCHEME.

292. - HEY, BUDDY.

293. GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS TO SLIP SOME OF THIS IN THE BRIDE'S DRINK.

294. - 20 BUCKS? NO WAY.

295. - ALL RIGHT, FINE.

296. 100 BUCKS.

297. - DONE.

298. WITHIN THE BLOODSTREAM.

299. TO THE COLON INSTEAD.

300. ACUTE AND DRAMATIC EFFECT.

301. - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

302. THE PLAN WAS WORKING.

303. - HERE'S TO YOU, BITCH.

304. DOWN HIS OWN GLASS OF BUBBLY,

305. A BOWEL-BURSTING TOAST.

306. - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

307. A MOMENT FOR THE LOVELY AMY.

308. HE STRETCHED IT OUT.

309. OF THE CLOCK AS POSSIBLE.

310. OF TIME TOGETHER.

311. A LOT OF TIME...

312. NOW SHE'S WITH YOU.

313. THIS YOUNG,

314. BY THE TIME HE WAS DONE,

315. A ROLL OF USED TOILET PAPER.

316. A LOT OF MONEY ON HER.

317. ELSE IN THIS LOSER'S LIFE,

318. IT DIDN'T TURN OUT LIKE HE EXPECTED.

319. THE BEST OF LUCK.

320. - OH!

321. OOH!

322. OH, OH, OH!

323. OH, OH, OH, OH!

324. THE SPIKED DRINK.

325. - GUYS, COME ON, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!

326. DESPERATE,

327. THE ONLY CAN HE COULD FIND.

328. - AH! AH.

329. CASE OF BAD TO WORSE,

330. STUCK IN HIS DUMPSTER.

331. - AH!

332. AH.

333. - IF YOU HAVE SOMEBODY THAT'S

334. IT'S NOT A NATURAL POSITION,

335. SO AS THEY'RE ROLLING,

336. PROBABLY SPINAL INJURIES, FOR ONE THING.

337. AND THEY'RE GONNA BE HITTING THEIR HEAD REPEATEDLY.

338. SO IT'S GONNA HAVE

339. AROUND INSIDE THE SKULL.

340. INTERNAL BLEEDING IN THE BRAIN.

341. - AH!

342. MURPH'S PLAN OF REVENGE BACKFIRED.

343. HIS EX-LOVER,

344. HE GOT DISEMBOWELED... - AH!

345. WENT ON A ROLL,

346. HIS OWN FILTH,

347. AND FINALLY DEAD.

348. BOTTOMS UP, MURPH.