1000 Ways to Die 2x5

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A drug runner gets a heads up, a glutton goes belly up, a man-baby gets timed out, a nature hater gets turtle waxed, two stoners get bonged, a woman gets down and dirty and a man-hater gets feminated.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer: IT'S TIME TO SAY GOOD-BYE

2. DIDN'T SEE IT COMING.

3. - OOH!

4. A BEER-BLITZED BARFER...

5. A HELL OF A BELLY DANCER...

6. A PUNCHY BOXER...

7. A SHREDDING RABBI...

8. A SAFE-CRACKING CRACKER...

9. - OOH!

10. A SPICE GIRL LOVER...

11. AND A BLIND DRIVER.

12. ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF...

13. 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...

18. TOXINS...

19. INJURY...

20. ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

21. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

22. IS A MIRACLE...

23. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

24. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

25. TO ERASE ITS OWN MISTAKES.

26. IT'S CALLED THINNING THE HERD.

27. WEREN'T JUST THIN...

28. - WHOA!

29. THEY WERE MENTAL ANOREXICS.

30. - I HAD RIGHT OF WAY.

31. YOU SON OF A BITCH!

32. WEREN'T SO DRUNK,

33. THEY WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING.

34. - IT'S THE COPS.

35. INVOLVE DRUNK DRIVING.

36. - I'M DOING ALL I CAN.

37. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE BELTS ON!

38. MANAGED TO AVOID THE LAW.

39. BUT THERE'S NO WAY

40. THEMSELVES.

41. - OH, THAT WAS— THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE.

42. AFTER TWO SIX-PACKS,

43. A LITTLE CARSICK.

44. - TAKE—TAKE THE WHEEL. TAKE THE WHEEL.

45. - YEAH.

46. TO THE STOMACH LINING,

47. AND VOMITING IS THE BODY'S

48. THAT'S BEEN BUILT UP.

49. - YOU OKAY?

50. LARRY WAS ON A LOSING STREAK.

51. FIRST HIS LUNCH...

52. THEN...

53. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, MAN?

54. AAH!

55. OH, MY GOD!

56. AT THE MOMENT OF IMPACT,

57. WE'D SEE THE SKIN BE LACERATED.

58. WITH THE INSIDE OF THE SKULL,

59. AND AFTER DECAPITATION, THERE'S A LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS

60. AND IMMEDIATE BRAIN DEATH.

61. - HOLY COW!

62. OH, GOD!

63. DRINKING AND DRIVING DON'T MIX.

64. THAT'S A HEADS-UP FOR ALL OF YOU.

65. SOME PEOPLE SHOOT FOR THE STARS.

66. THEIR FAT DUFFS.

67. OF THE UNIVERSE COMPETITION.

68. - BELLY DANCING'S A WAY OF EXPRESSION.

69. IT'S VERY EROTIC, VERY HOT,

70. AND IT'S GOT A LOT OF CULTURE BEHIND IT.

71. IT'S ABSOLUTELY SEXY.

72. IT'S ALMOST LIKE MAKING LOVE TO THE AIR.

73. AND NIGHTCLUBS.

74. FOR NATASHA, THE 5,000-YEAR-OLD DANCE FORM

75. OF SENSUALITY.

76. WAS HER SUPER BOWL.

77. WOULD BE COMPETING.

78. TO WIN IT, SHE WOULD HAVE

79. IMAGINABLE.

80. A RIGOROUS TRAINING SCHEDULE,

81. OF ANY PRO ATHLETE.

82. EVERY NIGHT,

83. AND PRACTICE SHAKING,

84. SPINNING,

85. SWAYING, AND SPLITTING

86. UNTIL EXHAUSTED.

87. BUT SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU SHOOT FOR THE STARS...

88. YOU WIND UP LOST IN SPACE.

89. IS A VERY INTRICATE,

90. WELL-DEVELOPED TISSUE.

91. IF THIS GETS CRUSHED,

92. ALL OF A SUDDEN, YOU'VE CHOKED OFF

93. TO THE LUNGS,

94. AND AS A RESULT, YOU CAN ASPHYXIATE TO DEATH.

95. TO THE COMPETITION.

96. THE NUMBER ONE DANCER...

97. ONE NUMB DANGLER.

98. UP NEXT,

99. AND...

100. A LIQUOR MAN... - OH!

101. TAKES A LICKING.

102. COME TRUE...

103. ONE PUNCH AT A TIME.

104. BOBBY "SLEDGEHAMMER" JONES

105. WAS NO DREAMER.

106. HE WAS THE REAL DEAL.

107. - THERE YOU GO, BOBBY. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I WANNA SEE.

108. A WICKED RIGHT HAND...

109. - THERE YOU GO!

110. WOULD TAKE HIM TO THE TOP.

111. - ONE, TWO. GOOD, GOOD.

112. COME ON, CHAMP.

113. THE SLEDGEHAMMER'S MANHOOD.

114. - WHAT ARE YOU, A LADY?

115. - I AIN'T NO LADY!

116. - BOOM! THERE YOU GO.

117. AFTER EVERY WORKOUT,

118. AN UNUSUAL WAY TO RECOVER.

119. THE LOCKER ROOM A MAN...

120. AND WALK OUT... A WOMAN.

121. IN A PAIR OF 6-INCH STILETTOS

122. COCKTAIL DRESS.

123. TO THE BOXER'S STORY,

124. 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, LET'S SAY YOU'RE, LIKE,

125. YOU KNOW, A REALLY MACHO GUY.

126. JUST TO BE ABLE TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW, JUST SOFTEN YOURSELF

127. AND, YOU KNOW, TAKE ON

128. IT'S, LIKE, KINDA LIKE BREAKING THE RULES, YOU KNOW?

129. IT'S A GOOD BET

130. DOESN'T GET A LOT OF ACTION.

131. WHEN A HOT BABE STEPPED OUT,

132. LOOKING MIGHTY FINE.

133. - OKAY, LADY, YOU CAN MAKE THIS HARD,

134. OR YOU CAN MAKE IT EASY.

135. - GUESS WHAT?

136. I AIN'T NO LADY!

137. - AT THAT POINT OF IMPACT, THEY CALL IT A COUP.

138. AND THAT'S WHERE THE BRAIN HITS THE SKULL.

139. GOES BACKWARDS,

140. AND IN THE BACK, THE OPPOSITE 180

141. OF WHERE THE COUP INJURY, IS A CONTRECOUP.

142. SO YOU CAN GET TWO DIFFERENT INJURIES.

143. AS A CROSS-DRESSING BOXER.

144. BUT HE DID SEE HIS RIGHT CROSS.

145. - I AIN'T NO LADY!

146. IN FACT, IT WAS THE LAST THING HE SAW.

147. LIGHTS OUT... LOSER.

148. A LONG LINE OF MOONSHINERS.

149. ON THE FAMOUS BLEND IN 1911,

150. HE HAD A LOT OF WORK TO DO.

151. - MM! I HATE IT.

152. WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO MY DOG!

153. IS A SOUTHERN TRADITION.

154. - BATCH NUMBER SIX?

155. MORE CHARCOAL!

156. TO THE NEXT.

157. OF DIFFERENT TYPES OF GRAINS.

158. IT COULD BE CORN, MALTED BARLEY,

159. RYE, WINTER WHEAT,

160. AND THE WATER SOURCE.

161. TO MAKE GREAT WHISKEY MAKING.

162. WAS TO TASTE IT...

163. OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

164. ONE DAY, AFTER A HARD DAY'S WORK

165. OF HARD DRINKING, JASPER FINALLY NAILED IT.

166. - BATCH NUMBER SEVEN...

167. THAT'S THE ONE.

168. HERE'S TO YOU, STONEWALL!

169. IN HIS OFFICE,

170. THE SECRET FORMULA.

171. THE COMBINATION.

172. HAD ADDLED HIS MEMORY.

173. FRUSTRATED,

174. GAVE IT THE BOOT.

175. - OH! OH, OH, OH!

176. THE SAFE STAYED CLOSED,

177. ON HIS BIG TOE.

178. IN THE FEET IS QUITE COMMON.

179. SPREADING FROM A CUT ON HIS TOE,

180. OF THE BLOODSTREAM.

181. JASPER DIDN'T KNOW IT,

182. HIS DEATH CLOCK,

183. AND HE DIDN'T HAVE MUCH TIME.

184. - THAT DON'T LOOK GOOD.

185. - IT DON'T FEEL GOOD NEITHER.

186. - IT DON'T SMELL RIGHT.

187. HIS BODY HAD BECOME SEPTIC.

188. THROUGHOUT HIS BLOODSTREAM.

189. FROM THEIR CELL WALLS, AND THAT CAN CAUSE INFLAMMATION,

190. ELECTROLYTE ABNORMALITIES, DEHYDRATION,

191. OVERWHELMING INFECTION.

192. - JEDEDIAH...

193. ONE LAST DRINK.

194. - HERE YOU GO.

195. BATCH NUMBER SEVEN...

196. SURE WAS THE ONE.

197. SIPPIN' ON THE GOOD STUFF.

198. COMING UP, A HOT DATE GETS A LITTLE TOO SPICY...

199. - SMELL IT.

200. NEEDS A HOSIN'.

201. TO BAG A NEW BOYFRIEND.

202. HAD ALL THE RIGHT INGREDIENTS.

203. THE BEST MEAL OF YOUR LIFE,

204. IT'S GOING TO BE THE BEST NIGHT OF YOUR LIFE.

205. THE HOTTEST DISH IN THE KITCHEN.

206. AS FOR HER COOKING, SHE WAS GUILTY OF OVER-SPICING.

207. - IT'S ALL ABOUT THE SPICES. YOU HAVE TO SMELL THIS ONE.

208. JUST SMELL IT.

209. FROM INDIA.

210. ARE CAPSINOIDS.

211. - THAT AROMA! I KNOW!

212. IN YOUR BODY,

213. IN AN INFLAMMATORY RESPONSE.

214. SUZETTE'S NEW SUITOR HAD ASTHMA.

215. IT MADE HIM SEEM WEAK,

216. SO HE KEPT IT A SECRET.

217. SET HIM STRAIGHT.

218. - MM. CAN WE SKIP DINNER?

219. - NO! I TOLD YOU.

220. YOU HAVE TO GO SIT DOWN.

221. ON HER FULL-COURSE BODY.

222. - SMELL THIS ONE. SM—OH!

223. INTO BRETT'S LAST SUPPER.

224. - YEAH, YOU OKAY? - I'M GOOD.

225. - WHEN YOU INHALE SPICES, AS OPPOSED TO EATING IT,

226. YOUR BLOODSTREAM VERY RAPIDLY.

227. - OKAY, I WANT YOU TO SMELL IT. NO, GET DOWN AND SMELL IT!

228. OH, MY GOD, IT'S INCREDIBLE!

229. OF ALL ASTHMA ATTACKS.

230. AND, TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE,

231. BRETT'S INHALER RAN OUT.

232. - WHAT'S WRONG?

233. THAT YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO,

234. CHEMICALS GET RELEASED, LIKE HISTAMINES,

235. MUCUS PRODUCTION.

236. HISTAMINE RELEASE,

237. POTENTIALLY FATAL,

238. STOP BREATHING.

239. - OH, MY GOSH, STOP DOING THAT!

240. WITH DISASTROUS RESULTS.

241. - OH, MY GOD, HE'S DEAD.

242. INSTEAD OF EATING IN, BRETT BECAME TAKE-OUT.

243. WITH AN UNORTHODOX PROBLEM.

244. A NEW JEWELRY STORE.

245. WITH A BEAUTIFUL HULA DANCER.

246. HER NAME WAS LAILANI,

247. OF FORBIDDEN FRUIT.

248. IS MORE FORBIDDEN,

249. ABOUT CUSTOM,

250. ABOUT DRESS, ABOUT WOMEN IN GENERAL.

251. OF ATTEMPTS TO WOO HIS NATIVE.

252. FIRST, HE LEFT BOWLS

253. MADE OUT OF POI.

254. ON A UKULELE.

255. - GO AWAY, PLEASE!

256. LEAVE ME ALONE!

257. - HE'S OVERCOME WITH SEXUAL ATTRACTION, PROBABLY.

258. BECOME INFATUATED,

259. EVER IN THEIR ENTIRE LIFE.

260. TO GAIN HIS LOVE'S ATTENTION.

261. BUT AS ALWAYS, IT WAS A WIPEOUT.

262. ONE EVENING, SHELDON WAS SO OVERCOME WITH DESIRE,

263. WITH HER DANCE TROUPE.

264. WHOO!

265. - PSST! LAILANI!

266. LAILANI! - OH, GOD.

267. - OVER HERE! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

268. YOU NEED TO LEAVE, NOW!

269. - I WANT TO MAKE YOU MY WIFE. - WHAT?

270. - BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO CONVERT.

271. LAILANI WAS MORTIFIED.

272. - I'M SORRY, YOU GUYS.

273. WITH HER DARK-SUITED SUITOR.

274. - YOU'RE A FREAK!

275. - HERE, HAVE A MAI TAI.

276. REJECTED,

277. HITTING THE SAUCE.

278. - ALOHA! ALOHA!

279. HE'D NEVER BEEN DRUNK BEFORE,

280. BUT AFTER FIVE MAI TAIS,

281. SHELDON WAS FEELING NO PAIN.

282. IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT,

283. IN THE TRADITIONAL TORCH DANCE.

284. WAS ABOUT TO IGNITE.

285. LIKE A RED-HOT DREIDEL.

286. WATCHED IN AMAZEMENT,

287. OF THE SHOW.

288. OF THEIR BODY,

289. THEY'VE LOST ALL

290. FROM THE SKIN.

291. WITH INCREASED HEART RATE, INCREASED RESPIRATORY RATE,

292. INCREASED TEMPERATURE.

293. AND FLUIDS,

294. EVENTUALLY LEAD TO DEATH.

295. HE COULDN'T HAVE.

296. - LEAVE ME ALONE! - LAILANI!

297. BUT HIS DREAMS, ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE,

298. WENT UP IN FLAMES.

299. AFTER THE BREAK,

300. GETS BEHIND THE WHEEL,

301. GET OUT OF THE WAY.

302. AND A LOW-LIFE THUG.

303. WHAT DO THEY HAVE IN COMMON?

304. NOT A THING...

305. OF FATE AND DEATH.

306. SHUGGY WAS A LIFELONG BAD GUY.

307. IN AND OUT OF GANGS AND PRISONS,

308. HIS ENTIRE LIFE.

309. WAS AN 85-YEAR-OLD PENSIONER

310. HIS AUTUMN YEARS ALONE.

311. AND THE LIFE THAT HE HAD LIVED.

312. CONVENIENCE STORE.

313. AND MADE HIS MOVE.

314. JUST UP THE HILL,

315. HIS DAILY RITUAL.

316. DUE TO FAILING EYESIGHT,

317. OF HIS OLD CLASSIC,

318. START IT UP, SIT BACK,

319. A LIFETIME OF MEMORIES.

320. BACK AT THE STORE,

321. WHILE...

322. ARTHUR DRIFTS OFF.

323. BUT THIS TIME,

324. FROM LIFE TO DEATH.

325. AND KNOCKS HIM SENSELESS.

326. EMERGENCY BRAKE SLIPS,

327. AND THE OLD MAN'S CAR STARTS ROLLING DOWN THE HILL.

328. SHUGGY MAKES A CLEAN GETAWAY...

329. WITH A DEAD MAN DRIVING.

330. FINALLY... BAD GUY MEETS DEAD GUY.

331. - OH!

332. - THERE'S A STUDY THAT SHOWS THAT THERE'S ABOUT, UH...

333. 100,000 ACCIDENTS PER YEAR

334. FOR ONE REASON OR ANOTHER.

335. AND THOSE ARE FATAL ACCIDENTS.

336. 3,500 POUNDS

337. DID A NUMBER ON MR. SHUGGY.

338. OR THE FEMUR, LET'S SAY,

339. THE STRONGEST BONES IN THE BODY,

340. TO GIVE.

341. NOW, WHEN YOU HIT THE GROUND,

342. AND HIT BACK DOWN AGAIN, GETTING MASSIVE INJURIES.

343. THE IMPORTANT BLOOD VESSELS.

344. HAS NO BUSINESS TO BE IN,

345. AND YOU CAN BLEED TO DEATH.

346. WHILE HE WAS ALIVE... - OH!

347. THEY NEVER MET AT ALL.

348. - IT'S ORIGINAL.