1000 Ways to Die 2x3

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A meth addict bites off more than he can chew, the sorority girl from hell gets sucked down into it and a young couple share their last kiss.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. - WHOO!

2. male announcer: OKAY, EASY RIDERS,

3. TIME TO THIN THE HERD.

4. WHO GETS COFFINATED,

5. WHO GETS ICED...

6. - YEAH!

7. WHO GET NEEDLED,

8. GETS SHOT DOWN.

9. A BIKER GETS BUMPED.

10. GETS STUMPED.

11. IT'S JUST NATURE'S WAY

12. OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE

13. IS UPON US.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. TRY TO AVOID IT.

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. EVERY DAY, WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,

18. TOXINS,

19. INJURY,

20. ILLNESS,

21. AND CATASTROPHE.

22. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

23. AT ALL IS A MIRACLE.

24. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE, WE FACE...

25. AT THE URGENT CARE CENTER.

26. FOR THE NEXT DAY'S PATIENTS.

27. THIS WAS HER FAVORITE TIME.

28. OF THE EMPTY CLINIC.

29. BUT TONIGHT, SHE WASN'T ALONE.

30. - HELLO? SOMEONE THERE?

31. HELLO?

32. HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

33. - STOP! RIGHT THERE! STOP!

34. SHUT UP!

35. DRUG ADDICT WITH A GUN.

36. TOUGH SITUATION.

37. WAS AN EX-ARMY NURSE.

38. SHE'D BEEN IN THE LINE OF FIRE.

39. - I NEED THE DRUG! WHERE'S THE DRUGS?

40. - THERE RIGHT HERE.

41. - OPEN IT! GET THE KEY!

42. - IF IT'S A DRUG DEPENDENCE THAT HE'S DEVELOPED,

43. ON THE MEDICATION,

44. THAT EQUILIBRIUM.

45. - WHAT DO YOU NEED?

46. - I JUST NEED SOMETHIN' TO CALM DOWN!

47. DECISION-MAKING PROCESS,

48. BECAUSE THEY'RE

49. GOING TO COME FROM?

50. TO LOAD HIM UP ON PAINKILLERS,

51. HOPING TO KNOCK HIM OUT.

52. - LET'S SIT YOU DOWN, OKAY?

53. OF NARCOTICS HIT HIM,

54. TO NURSE CHELSEA.

55. - PUT IT DOWN!

56. - YOU GOT WHAT I WANT.

57. - JUST RELAX.

58. I KNOW WHAT YOU WANT.

59. JUST PUT THE GUN DOWN. - I WANT YOU.

60. WAS MAKING HIM DOPY.

61. - JUST BACK UP.

62. BEFORE HE DROPPED.

63. - THIS WHAT YOU WANT?

64. YEAH?

65. - ALL THE WAY.

66. - YEAH, OKAY.

67. CHELSEA'S COMBAT TRAINING KICKED IN.

68. SHE KNEW THE M.R.I. MACHINE

69. SCRAP METAL MAGNET.

70. - MY LEGS?

71. THE JUNKIE'S JEANS.

72. SHE HIT THE "ON" BUTTON.

73. EVEN CHELSEA.

74. WAS DAMAGED GOODS.

75. IN HIS HEAD.

76. TOO DOPED UP TO RESIST,

77. THE M.R.I. DREW HIM

78. AND HE WENT FROM BAD GUY...

79. TO DEAD GUY.

80. HITTING YOUR HEAD WITH A BAT.

81. HITTING THAT METAL M.R.I.,

82. OF THE SKULL,

83. EVENTUALLY.

84. A MUCH DIFFERENT ENDING,

85. AS A CUCUMBER...

86. WITH A HOT JALAPENO BODY.

87. - RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT HERE.

88. - YEAH, YEAH. - WE ALMOST GOT IT.

89. COLLECT COINS.

90. OTHERS, STAMPS.

91. AND FILLED THEM UP WITH... CACTUS.

92. - OH! OH! - IS IT OKAY?

93. TODAY, THEY'RE CELEBRATING.

94. - YES! - BEAUTIFUL!

95. TO THE ARIZONA DESERT,

96. SIX-FOOT SAGUARO.

97. - I CAN'T BELIEVE WE FINALLY GOT IT!

98. THE OCCASION, THEY HAMMERED DOWN

99. OF MESCAL, A DISTILLED SPIRIT,

100. AND PEYOTE BUTTONS, A POWERFUL HALLUCINOGEN.

101. FROM THE CACTUS FAMILY.

102. SAGUARO!

103. SAGUARO!

104. - WHOO-HOO!

105. SCRAMBLED,

106. VERY SPINY WOODS.

107. ARE SHARP!

108. IN ARIZONA,

109. A PROTECTED PLANT SPECIES.

110. - AW, SO GOOD!

111. IN THEIR TRIPPED-OUT MINDS,

112. A RARE PHENOMENON,

113. A SHARED HALLUCINATION.

114. TO THEM.

115. YOU HAVE DONE WRONG!

116. - SOUNDS TRIPPY.

117. FOR YOUR SINS.

118. FOR THE FREAKS.

119. TO FLIPPING OUT.

120. THE CACTUS UNIVERSE!

121. - NO, IT'S NOT US!

122. - YOU WILL DIE!

123. - DIE!

124. SPINAL TAPPERS LIT OUT,

125. IN THEIR HEADS.

126. - DIE!

127. BLINDED BY FEAR,

128. WITH INSTANT CACTUS KARMA.

129. - DIE!

130. BY AN AGAVE PLANT.

131. INTO THE HEART ITSELF.

132. THE HEART STOPS, AND CIRCULATION STOPS,

133. CALL CARDIAC TAMPONADE.

134. A SIMILARLY GRUESOME FATE,

135. PIERCED 100 TIMES OVER

136. OF A SMALL SAGUARO.

137. PIERCED HIS EYEBALLS.

138. ARE LONG ENOUGH,

139. AND HIT HIS BRAIN.

140. TO THIS STORY?

141. DON'T DISTURB THE CACTUS UNIVERSE.

142. COMING UP...

143. A BIKER CHICK HITS THE ROAD.

144. AND IF THE VAN'S ROCKIN',

145. DON'T COME KNOCKIN'. - AAH!

146. UNLESS YOU'RE DEAD.

147. IT WAS THE END OF ANOTHER LONG DAY FOR TERRI,

148. ON A FILM SET.

149. LIKE ANYONE ELSE, SHE NEEDED TO UNWIND.

150. UNLIKE ANYONE ELSE... - HEY, BABY.

151. WAS THE WAY SHE WENT ABOUT IT.

152. - HOW ARE YOU? ABSOLUTELY.

153. TO UNWIND BY GETTING OFF.

154. BUT FOR HER TO GET OFF,

155. FIRST SHE HAD TO GET ON...

156. JESSE'S MOTORCYCLE.

157. - WHOO!

158. THIS HIGHLY SEXUAL,

159. A SPEEDING CROTCH ROCKET.

160. - WHOO!

161. IT WAS LIKE A 400-POUND,

162. 200-HORSEPOWER VIBRATOR.

163. - FEMALES WANT TO BE TEASED,

164. THE LEAD-UP.

165. IS IMPORTANT,

166. YOUR GIRL ORGASM.

167. LEAD HER UP TO IT.

168. JESSE WAS COOL.

169. WHEN THEY GOT HOME,

170. OF HIS NEEDS.

171. HER WEASEL ALONG THE WAY?

172. THROUGH THE BIKE'S FRAME

173. AND INTO TERRI'S FRAME.

174. TO GET GOOEY.

175. IN THE MOMENT,

176. THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY

177. TO HOLD ONTO YOUR GUY.

178. AND SURRENDERED.

179. THE BIG "O" WAS UPON HER.

180. AN ORGASM,

181. OR JERKING YOUR LEGS, FOR EXAMPLE,

182. SPASMODICALLY.

183. CRITICALLY DANGEROUS,

184. WHEN YOU'RE PRECARIOUSLY PERCHED

185. UPON A MOTORCYCLE.

186. OF THE MOMENT,

187. TERRI'S

188. HER SEX MACHINE.

189. AGAINST A HARD OBJECT,

190. BREAK BONES, WHICH CAN THEN RIP INTO THE VITAL ORGANS,

191. OF THE BODY.

192. CATASTROPHIC BLEEDING.

193. ALL OF A SUDDEN,

194. AND YOU DIE A QUICK, BUT PAINFUL DEATH.

195. - WHOO!

196. TO UNWIND...

197. BUT IN THE END...

198. SHE CAME UNDONE.

199. NOT RIGHT ABOUT MASON.

200. JUST BY LOOKING AT HIM.

201. A STEADY JOB,

202. UNTIL THIS ONE...

203. - HOW YOU DOIN' BACK THERE, BABY?

204. AND CEMETERIES.

205. - BABY, YOU WERE SO GOOD LAST NIGHT.

206. IT'S A SHAME I GOTTA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND.

207. HE LOVED HIS JOB.

208. THE PROBLEM WAS, HE LOVED THE BODIES EVEN MORE,

209. ESPECIALLY THE WOMEN. - AH!

210. DRIVE THEM...

211. HE WOULD... DRIVE THEM.

212. POWER POSITION,

213. 'CAUSE THERE'S NO FEEDBACK WHATSOEVER.

214. THEY WANT SOMEONE WHO'S

215. AND NOT REJECT THEM.

216. THE STIFF WITH HIS STIFFY,

217. THINGS GOT A LITTLE IFFY.

218. LATE FOR THE FUNERAL,

219. THROUGH A PARKING LOT.

220. - AAH!

221. OF THE CART.

222. WHEN THE VAN STOPPED,

223. THE COFFIN DIDN'T.

224. AND NECK FORWARD,

225. SEVERS THE BRAINSTEM.

226. LOSS OF CONSCIOUSNESS.

227. THE THING HE CRAVED MOST,

228. A COLD AND LIFELESS CORPSE.

229. - [humming Chopin's Funeral March]

230. GO TO HELL, YOU FREAK.

231. - AAH!

232. UP NEXT...

233. SOME PEOPLE ARE STUPID.

234. TURNS INTO A BLOODBATH.

235. WAS A LOWLIFE STICKUP MAN,

236. BUT THE STICK, ALONG WITH HIS HEAD,

237. WAS UP SOMEWHERE ELSE.

238. HE DIDN'T HAVE ANY BRAINS, BUT HE DID HAVE A GUN,

239. DANGEROUS...

240. TO HIMSELF.

241. FOR GOMER.

242. STICKUP ATTEMPT.

243. ANOTHER SHOT.

244. HIS TARGET, A JEWELRY STORE.

245. OVER HIS HEAD...

246. DREW HIS GUN...

247. INTO THE WRONG STORE.

248. - THIS IS A STICKUP!

249. VERY WRONG.

250. INSTEAD OF A JEWELRY STORE,

251. ON A GUN SHOP.

252. - MOST GUYS IN GUN STORES,

253. OF BEING ROBBED,

254. THEY'RE GONNA BE ARMED— ALL LEGAL.

255. WHEN THIS GUY WALKED IN,

256. POSSIBLE SITUATION HE COULD.

257. IT'S NOT SURPRISING

258. OF THE ROOM.

259. SEVEN SHOTS IN ALL,

260. TO KILL HIM.

261. LOCATION.

262. SUDDEN KILL SHOT,

263. IN CARDIAC OUTPUT.

264. YOU HAVE NO CIRCULATION,

265. WITHIN SECONDS,

266. THE PERSON IS GONE.

267. GOMER'S LAST STICKUP

268. ON EARTH...

269. BUT HIS FAME LIVES ON.

270. ON THE INTERNET,

271. AND COUNTING.

272. "I WENT TO A FIGHT AND A HOCKEY GAME BROKE OUT."

273. IT'S AN OLD JOKE

274. WITH A LOT OF TRUTH IN IT.

275. OF TURNING PRO,

276. 30-SOMETHING WEEKEND WARRIOR

277. PLAYING CITY LEAGUE HOCKEY.

278. BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP HIM

279. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE.

280. - GOTTA BE MEAN. THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

281. IT'S A GAME OF TOUGHNESS, IT REALLY IS.

282. ABOUT HOCKEY.

283. 95% OF THE GAME IS WON

284. NOT BEING AFRAID AT ALL.

285. EVEN IN PRACTICE,

286. MARIO COULDN'T RESIST

287. ON HIS OWN TEAMMATES.

288. - DUDE, SAME TEAM, MAN! SAME TEAM!

289. BITTER ABOUT NEVER MAKING IT.

290. JUST PART OF HIS GAME.

291. OR MAYBE, LIKE MOST THOUGHT,

292. AND NASTY SON OF A BITCH.

293. WHATEVER IT WAS,

294. OF HIS CHEAP SHOTS.

295. - YOU'RE A HACK, BUDDY!

296. IN A TEAMMATE'S FACE...

297. - COME ON, MAN! WANT TO GO?

298. THE GLOVES CAME OFF.

299. - YOU CANNOT BACK DOWN.

300. NOT THE BIGGEST, TOUGHEST GUY.

301. IS THE GUY WHO'S WILLING

302. DURING THIS FIGHT.

303. ARE USUALLY HARMLESS,

304. BUT THIS TIME, MARIO WASN'T SO LUCKY.

305. HIS TEAMMATE WENT DOWN, HIS SKATE CAME UP,

306. MARIO'S CAROTID ARTERY.

307. IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT.

308. IF ONE

309. HIS CAROTID ARTERY,

310. JUGULAR VEIN, DEATH IS MOST LIKELY INSTANTANEOUS,

311. WITHIN MINUTES.

312. DURING HOCKEY.

313. YOU KNOW, IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU'RE A GLADIATOR

314. BACK IN ROME.

315. YOU KNOW, PEOPLE LOVE IT.

316. NEVER MADE IT TO THE PROS...

317. BUT IN THE END,

318. HE SURE LEFT HIS MARK.

319. YOU WON'T WANT TO MISS THIS.

320. A SOLDIER GETS SCREWED UP...

321. AND CHEWED OUT, COMING UP.

322. SINCE 1986,

323. HAS MADE CHERNOBYL, RUSSIA,

324. IN THE WORLD,

325. AS IN RADIATION.

326. ABOUT 400 TIMES

327. THAN WHAT HAPPENED, SAY, IN HIROSHIMA.

328. 40 TONS OF NUCLEAR MATERIAL

329. IS SPEWED OUT,

330. WITH RADIO ISOTOPES.

331. - AH!

332. TO BE FOUND THERE ARE SOLDIERS,

333. ARE TOTAL SCREW-UPS.

334. VLADIMIR, MIKHAIL, AND SONIA

335. OF F TROOP...

336. AS IN FD UP.

337. HOTTER IN THE HOT ZONE.

338. AND READY FOR ACTION. - OOH!

339. BUT NOT WITH MIKHAIL.

340. - OOH!

341. IT WAS SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.

342. COULDN'T HAVE SONIA,

343. HE'D HAVE TO FIT IT INTO SOMETHING ELSE.

344. OF THE FOREST,

345. IT WAS GAME ON.

346. IN A SOBER STATE OF MIND,

347. BUT NOW, ON TOP OF THAT,

348. BEING INTOXICATED,

349. HE'S MORE LIKELY TO HAVE

350. THOSE URGES AND DESIRES.

351. RAN OFF WITH HIS COON-TANG.

352. FOR THESE TWO LOVERS.

353. VERY AGGRESSIVE ANIMALS.

354. THEY ARE TERRITORIAL.

355. 40 VERY SHARP TEETH

356. THAT THEY'RE GONNA USE TO PROTECT THEMSELF,

357. TO BITE.

358. AND BITE IT DID.

359. IN ONE VICIOUS CHOMP,

360. THE PRIVATE'S PARTS

361. OF THE RACCOON,

362. AND MIKHAIL'S BLOOD WENT "RUSSIAN"

363. RIGHT OUT OF HIS BODY.

364. - IT'S NOT JUST THE BLOOD LOSS THAT KILLS YOU,

365. OF THAT TRAUMA.

366. ARRHYTHMIAS, BLOOD ACCUMULATING

367. AND SQUEEZING THE HEART,

368. THAT RESULT IN DEATH.

369. LEARNED THE HARD WAY.

370. IT'S NOT NICE TO SCREW MOTHER NATURE.

371. SHE JUST MIGHT BITE BACK.

372. IT'S ORIGINAL!