1000 Ways to Die 2x2

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Russian mobsters share their last drink, a blonde bombshell literally lights up the night and a nature lover ends up joining the dead animal friend she tried to save.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer:

2. HAVE PASSED ON...

3. - I'M STUCK!

4. AN OLD LETCH...

5. A LOVER BOY... - WHOO!

6. - AAH!

7. A VIOLINIST...

8. A VERMINATOR... - AAH!

9. A COUPLE OF DIRT BAGS...

10. A TRAVELING SALESMAN...

11. - OH!

12. AND THE GAS MAN.

13. OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. AGAINST GERMS...

18. TOXINS...

19. INJURY...

20. ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

21. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

22. IS A MIRACLE...

23. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

24. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

25. IS A TRAVELING SALESMAN.

26. HAWKING WEIGHT LOSS PRODUCTS.

27. HE DIDN'T MAKE MUCH MONEY, AND THE TRAVELING WAS A GRIND,

28. TO LIVE LIFE LARGE...

29. AS IN WOMEN.

30. - HI.

31. THE DAY BIG BESS OPENED THE DOOR,

32. THE MOTHER LODE...

33. 400 POUNDS OF IT.

34. WITH REGULAR-SIZED WOMEN,

35. AND NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN.

36. WASN'T DOING IT FOR ME.

37. SO AFTER THAT, I'D HAVE TO

38. TO "GET MY ROCKS OFF"

39. OF BEAUTY NOW.

40. IS A FANTASTIC PRODUCT.

41. FANTASTIC.

42. YOU DON'T THINK MY BUTT'S...

43. TOO BIG?

44. A FEW DRINKS...

45. A LITTLE SWEET TALK... - I LOVE THEM BIG.

46. AND RAY WAS ON HIS WAY UP TO HOG HEAVEN.

47. - MM... MM.

48. WITH A LITTLE ORAL STIMULATION.

49. - LET'S START WITH DONUTS.

50. - MM. AND THEN WE'LL GO NUTS.

51. RAY WAS LOOKING FOR.

52. SHE WAS LARGE... AND IN CHARGE.

53. - YOU LIKE IT, DON'T YOU? - I LOVE IT!

54. I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

55. SENSELESS.

56. - AHH!

57. FINALLY, LIKE A HARPOONED WHALE,

58. IN ORGASMIC ECSTASY...

59. AND LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

60. WAS JUST TOO MUCH.

61. OF BIG BESS BLUBBER.

62. THERE WAS NO ESCAPE.

63. OF HER ROLLING FAT,

64. HER SWEATY BREASTS,

65. THAT JUST WASN'T THERE.

66. - WHEN WE OBSTRUCT AN AIRWAY,

67. WE'RE SO-CALLED "CHOKED TO DEATH".

68. WHEN WE ARE ASPHYXIATED, WE CAN'T BREATHE IN

69. COMPRESSED TO DEATH.

70. BUT CAN'T

71. VOLUME OF TISSUE.

72. AND THEN YOU ADD PANIC.

73. PANIC, COMPRESSION, AND THE INABILITY TO INHALE.

74. INSTANT. INSTANT CATASTROPHE.

75. - OH, CRAP.

76. TO CHUBBY CHASING,

77. RAY WAS A BIG GAME HUNTER.

78. THIS TIME... THE HUNTER BECAME THE PREY.

79. GAME OVER... RAY.

80. - GET IT UP. COME ON, COME ON.

81. THESE TWO AREN'T TRAINING

82. OR A BODY BUILDING CONTEST.

83. THEY'VE GOT THEIR EYES ON A DIFFERENT PRIZE...

84. THEIR FRAT HOUSE'S ANNUAL FART COMPETITION.

85. - TIGHTEN YOUR SPHINCTER, BOY! - AAH!

86. - FOR ME IT'S GENERALLY JUST

87. AND JUST...

88. FOR MY OPPORTUNITY.

89. AND WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY'S THERE,

90. JUST LET IT GO.

91. AND, YOU KNOW, GENERALLY IT'S A GOOD

92. PFFFFFFTTTTT.

93. - AAH!

94. FROM JAPAN.

95. - YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS? - THE ENEMY!

96. - THAT'S RIGHT! - AAH!

97. - ALL RIGHT, COME ON!

98. THIS YEAR,

99. ON ALL CYLINDERS.

100. THAT'S WHY HE HIRED MAX BEERS.

101. - COME ON!

102. THAN THE GAS MASTER.

103. - DINNER'S SERVED. - AH!

104. - HIT THOSE BEANS, BOY. GET 'EM IN THERE.

105. TRAINING TECHNIQUES.

106. LIKE THE DOGGIE RUB BURN.

107. A SINGLE MARK ON THOSE DRAWERS.

108. GET IN HERE, COME ON!

109. GET THIS BALL UP THERE, BOY. TENNIS BUTT BALL.

110. - COME ON, GIVE ME 50 REPS. AND FINALLY...

111. - IT'S TIME FOR THE COMPACTOR.

112. - COMPACTOR!

113. AGAINST ARNOLD'S VICE GRIP BUTT CHEEKS.

114. - IT'S IN THERE!

115. - CRUSH IT! - AAH!

116. INTO THE BLOODSTREAM.

117. LEAVE BEHIND GAS,

118. BY POWERFUL SPHINCTER MUSCLES.

119. ARE OXYGEN,

120. NITROGEN, CARBON DIOXIDE,

121. AND METHANE, WHICH IS COMBUSTIBLE.

122. - ALL RIGHT, BOY. TIME FOR A TEST BURN.

123. ASSUME THE POSITION.

124. ARE YOU READY? - YES, SIR!

125. - ALL RIGHT, BOY, HERE IT COMES!

126. NOW, THREE, TWO, ONE!

127. LET HER RIP!

128. - AAH!

129. - AAH!

130. - COACH! COACH, YOU'RE ON FIRE!

131. YOU OKAY? COACH!

132. AAH!

133. AAH!

134. COACH, COACH!

135. VAPOR PRESSURE.

136. AND, UH, THEREFORE

137. OR DANGEROUS, MORE SO THAN OTHER GASES.

138. - OH, MY GOD, MY FART KILLED YOU!

139. UP NEXT, A SEXY VIOLINIST

140. HEAD-BANGER,

141. AND... A BAD GUY HAS A BAD DAY

142. AND A REALLY BAD NIGHT. - AAH!

143. MUSIC CIRCUIT.

144. IT DIDN'T HURT THAT SHE HAD... PERFECT PITCH.

145. HER LOOKS, FLAWLESS TECHNIQUE,

146. WERE A WINNING COMBINATION.

147. IN CLASSICAL MUSIC,

148. YOU DON'T ONLY WORK ON THE TECHNIQUE.

149. THAT YOU ARE PERFORMING IN.

150. MAY WAS NO DUMMY.

151. FOR HER TIGHT, HOT BODY

152. AS FOR HER BODY OF WORK.

153. BUT IN HER MIND,

154. WERE HER HANDS.

155. FOR THE VIOLIN,

156. IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO THEM, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

157. YOU KNOW, YOUR HANDS ARE YOUR LIFE.

158. EVERY DAY,

159. MONEYMAKERS.

160. TO THEM.

161. ONE MAJOR FLAW,

162. OF BEAUTY AND TALENT...

163. SHE WAS A TOTAL KLUTZ.

164. INSTINCTIVELY, THE VIOLINIST

165. TO BREAK HER FALL...

166. AND BROKE HER HEAD INSTEAD.

167. - IF SOMEONE'S EXPOSED TO BLUNT TRAUMA,

168. TYPICALLY,

169. IS PUSHED AGAINST THE SKULL.

170. NOW, THE BRAIN BEING A VERY SOFT TISSUE,

171. VERY HARD TISSUE,

172. IT DOESN'T HAVE A LOT OF SPACE TO COMPRESS,

173. SO WHEN IT'S PUSHED,

174. IRREVERSIBLE DAMAGE.

175. A PERSON CAN DIE FROM THAT.

176. MAY'S HANDS WERE HER LIFELINE.

177. ONE FOOT AWAY FROM DEATH.

178. - AAH!

179. MORT WAS ON THE RUN.

180. A TWO-TIME OFFENDER,

181. HIS LATEST FELONY, ARMED ROBBERY,

182. WOULD PUT HIM AWAY FOR GOOD,

183. IF HE WAS CAPTURED.

184. - LET'S TAKE A BREAK, MAN. - YEAH.

185. - I'M GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS STUFF.

186. CATCHING THEIR BREATH,

187. A DRAINAGE PIPE.

188. FOR A HUMAN RAT TO HIDE OUT IN?

189. - I DON'T SEE ANYTHING.

190. I AIN'T GOING IN THERE. - YEAH.

191. MORT WASN'T GOING TO TAKE ANY CHANCES,

192. SO HE KEPT ON CRAWLING,

193. KEPT GETTING SMALLER...

194. AND SMALLER UNTIL...

195. - HELP! HELP! HELP ME!

196. I'M STUCK!

197. IN A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME,

198. HE WENT FROM SURRENDERING...

199. - I DON'T CARE IF I HAVE TO GO BACK TO JAIL!

200. I'LL GO BACK! I JUST GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!

201. I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE NOW!

202. TO APOLOGIZING... - I'M SORRY.

203. AND FINALLY CRYING.

204. DAY TURNED TO NIGHT,

205. IN HIS LIFE,

206. MR. BIG AND SCARY WAS SCARED.

207. MAKE THAT TERRIFIED.

208. - WHAT WAS THAT? WHAT WAS THAT?

209. AND THEN SALVATION...

210. OR SO HE THOUGHT.

211. - IS ANYBODY THERE?

212. - AAH! AAH!

213. AAH!

214. AAH!

215. - YOU GOT TO SEE HOW THE RAT SEES THIS.

216. THERE'S THIS THING THAT'S BLOCKING THEIR ESCAPE.

217. IS SHUT THE HELL UP,

218. BUT HE WON'T, 'CAUSE HE'S AFRAID.

219. SO THE RAT, WITH THEIR MASSIVE

220. TO ANY PART OF YOUR FACE,

221. AND HE WILL BITE YOU.

222. - AAH!

223. WEREN'T SCARED OF MORT.

224. IN FACT, THEY LIKED HIM.

225. RIGHT THROUGH HIM.

226. IS THE HUMAN SKIN,

227. WHICH IS VERY FRAGILE.

228. SECOND, THEY GET INTO THE MUSCLE.

229. AND FINALLY,

230. AND EVEN, IN FACT,

231. TO GET INTO THE BRAIN.

232. THE PERSON WILL BE CONSCIOUS,

233. FEELING EVERY SINGLE, LITTLE THING THAT'S HAPPENING.

234. UNFORTUNATELY,

235. SOMEBODY COULD EVEN IMAGINE.

236. THEY SAY CRIME DOESN'T PAY.

237. FOR A PACK OF DIRTY RATS.

238. COMING UP,

239. AN OLD COOT.

240. BLOWS UP IN THEIR FACE.

241. CLAUDE IS DYING.

242. AND HIS SEXY FRENCH MAID.

243. KEEPS HIS LUNGS INFLATED,

244. SHE KEEPS HIS BLOOD FLOWING.

245. - THE FRENCH MAID'S THE ICON OF A LADY CLEANING.

246. MY FRENCH-MAID SHOW,

247. I DO IT AS WASHING MYSELF,

248. 'CAUSE I'M A DIRTY, OLD, LITTLE FRENCH MAID.

249. THIS IS A DIRTY BEHIND.

250. I'M VERY CLEAN NOW.

251. MM. AH.

252. NO REGRETS FOR THIS GUY.

253. WEALTH, POWER, WOMEN.

254. HE'S READY TO MEET HIS MAKER,

255. BUT HE'S NOT GOING DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.

256. STRIP SHOW.

257. WAS ONE LONG LAP DANCE.

258. HEAVEN MIGHT BE BORING.

259. BACK ON EARTH, THE FRENCH MAID

260. AN EARLY CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

261. - OH.

262. SANTA'S LITTLE HELPER

263. INTO THE DANGER ZONE.

264. - OH!

265. WERE RINGING IN CLAUDE'S HEAD.

266. SIGNAL FROM THE RESPIRATOR.

267. ON CRYSTAL METH.

268. HE WENT LIGHTS OUT...

269. THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.

270. THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS,

271. FOR CLAUDE'S HOUSE,

272. THAN HE WAS.

273. THE UNDERPOWERED 15-AMP FUSE...

274. AND THE RESPIRATOR WENT DEAD.

275. STOPPED WORKING,

276. WAS NO LONGER GETTING OXYGEN.

277. - OH, MY GOD!

278. - IT'LL MAKE THE HEART

279. START BEATING FAST.

280. YES, IT CAN KEEP PUMPING,

281. BUT IT'S GONNA PUMP STALE BLOOD.

282. SO IT BEATS FASTER,

283. FOR THIS LACK OF GOOD BLOOD.

284. AND AS A RESULT,

285. A MASSIVE HEART ATTACK.

286. ROLLING DOWN DEATH'S HIGHWAY.

287. - AAH! AAH! HE JUST TOOK...

288. AN EARLY EXIT.

289. ON THE ISLAND OF SICILY, ONE OF THE SIGHTS YOU MIGHT CATCH,

290. IF YOU'RE LUCKY,

291. DIG HIS OWN GRAVE.

292. FROM THE MAFIA.

293. ON THE PAYMENTS,

294. HE'S BEEN FORCED

295. HIS LIFE.

296. TO PICK UP THE PACE.

297. AN UNEXPLODED HAND GRENADE.

298. A SHRAPNEL GRENADE.

299. ONCE THE BOMB IGNITES,

300. WILL PROBABLY BE SUPER HOT.

301. DIFFERENT PARTS OF THEIR BODY,

302. IT WILL BE BURNING.

303. AND IT'S DESIGNED TO KILL

304. ABOUT FIVE METERS.

305. HAD IT ALL WORKED OUT.

306. BUT THIS PLAN...

307. BLEW UP IN THEIR FACES.

308. AFTER THE BREAK,

309. FOR A CHEATING HUSBAND.

310. JANINE'S MARRIAGE WAS AS DEAD AS HER HUSBAND'S PENIS.

311. - I'M NOT WEARING ANY PANTIES TONIGHT.

312. - HUH.

313. COLE'S ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION

314. HAD TURNED HIM COLD,

315. BUT JANINE HAD A PLAN.

316. WITHOUT TELLING HIM, SHE GROUND UP THREE E.D. PILLS

317. INTO HIS BEER.

318. THAT'S 300 MILLIGRAMS OF BLOOD-RUSHING PENIS POPPERS.

319. THIS, JANINE THOUGHT,

320. OUT OF HER HUBBY.

321. - THE USE

322. IS INCREASING NITRIC OXIDE.

323. THAT'S RESPONSIBLE FOR DILATING ALL VESSELS OF OUR BODY,

324. THAT LEAD TO OUR HEART.

325. - HONEY...

326. ON THE TABLE RIGHT NOW.

327. WAIT. WHAT?

328. UH, HOLD ON.

329. RIGHT THEN,

330. FROM HIS MISTRESS.

331. BEFORE TAKING OFF,

332. OF HIS OWN MAGIC LOVE PILLS.

333. LITTLE DID HE KNOW,

334. WOULD BE UP FOR THE JOB.

335. INTO A BEER.

336. - IF YOU'RE A MAN

337. AND YOU'RE UNABLE TO ACHIEVE A QUALITY ERECTION,

338. TO YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.

339. AND YOU'RE GONNA BE WORRIED,

340. NEXT TIME YOU'RE IN THE SITUATION,

341. IT'S JUST NOT GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN.

342. - HEY, BABY.

343. - HOW ARE YOU?

344. BEFORE WE GET STARTED.

345. IT WILL HELP YOU RELAX.

346. OKAY, BEFORE WE CONTINUE,

347. LET'S DO THE MATH.

348. 300 MILLIGRAMS.

349. COLE HIMSELF TOOK 300 MORE.

350. DOUSED HIM WITH ANOTHER 300.

351. THAT'S NINE TIMES

352. THE RECOMMENDED DOSAGE.

353. THE LOVE METER.

354. - WOW.

355. AND ARTERIES FULLY DILATED,

356. FROM COLE'S HEAD TO...

357. HIS OTHER HEAD.

358. HIS MISTRESS DIDN'T MIND.

359. AND COLE DIDN'T NOTICE HIS VISION WAS FADING.

360. WAS SHUTTING DOWN.

361. HIS HEART WAS REDLINING.

362. NONE OF THAT MATTERED.

363. HE WAS ABOUT TO BLOW.

364. WITH ONE FINAL THRUST...

365. - AAH! AAAAH!

366. OF PASSION,

367. COLE HAD COME...

368. AND GONE.

369. - OH.

370. - IT'S ORIGINAL.