1000 Ways to Die 2x12

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A geek has his revenge against a jock, the deadly results from a corset and a British torturer comes up with an idea for a man that's too tall for the rack.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer: OKAY, FREAKS,

2. AND HOLD BACK YOUR TEARS.

3. HERE'S SOMETHING TO SINK YOUR TEETH INTO.

4. - AAH! - HA HA!

5. WE'VE GOT A PEE-DADDY WHOSE SHIZZLE GETS SIZZLED...

6. - AAH!

7. THAT TURNS INTO A BLOWOUT...

8. WHO DOES A FACE-PLANT,

9. THE LAW OF THE JUNGLE...

10. - AAH!

11. WHO BECOMES UNBEARABLE...

12. AND FINALLY, A MEAL THAT COSTS AN ARM AND A LEG.

13. DON'T LET IT GO TO YOUR HEADS.

14. - AAH!

15. IT'S JUST THE NEXT EPISODE

16. OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

17. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

18. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

19. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

20. A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS,

21. TOXINS,

22. INJURY,

23. ILLNESS,

24. AND CATASTROPHE.

25. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

26. AT ALL IS A MIRACLE,

27. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE,

28. WE FACE...

29. WAS FINALLY OVER.

30. AND START PLAYING.

31. SOME SINS OF THE FLESH.

32. OF TRUTH OR DARE.

33. - TRUTH OR DARE?

34. I'M GONNA CHOOSE DARE.

35. RIGHT TO THE CHASE.

36. - I DARE YOU...

37. TO...

38. TAKE OFF YOUR TOP.

39. - I CONCUR. - YES.

40. - YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.

41. WITH THESE TWO HUSSIES,

42. THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED IT, "TRUTH OR BARE."

43. NOW IT WAS THEIR TURN.

44. - YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. OKAY.

45. ON THE ELECTRIC FENCE.

46. - OOH! - YEAH!

47. - NO, UH-UH, IT'LL FRY—

48. ELWOOD'S BEST CHANCE

49. TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY. - YES!

50. BUT HE WOULDN'T PLAY BALL.

51. - DON'T BE A WUSS. - NO, IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

52. IT'S DANGEROUS.

53. - YOU'RE AN IDIOT. - SOMEBODY DO IT.

54. - I'LL DO IT. - FINE!

55. COUNT ON BUBBA.

56. - WHOO! HA HA!

57. HE'D PEE ON HIMSELF FOR A PIECE OF ASS.

58. HE HAD TO GO ANYWAY.

59. THROUGH THE HOT KANSAS AIR.

60. FOR A MOMENT,

61. DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH BLADDER...

62. AHH.

63. UNTIL...

64. - AAAH!

65. - OH, GOD!

66. A 10,000-VOLT CROTCH ROCKET

67. AND FRIED HIS HEART.

68. THIS ARC OF URINE,

69. GOES UP THE PENIS,

70. AND THEN INTO THE BODY,

71. THE BODY TO EXPLODE.

72. - HA HA!

73. WHEN YOU GOTTA GO... - AHH!

74. YOU GOTTA GO.

75. BUBBA WENT...

76. - AAAH!

77. AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

78. IN THE SOUTH PACIFIC,

79. AND FOOD WAS SCARCE.

80. CHIEF ATUA'S CLAN HAD EATEN THEIR LAST PIG WEEKS AGO,

81. VERY RELUCTANT VEGETARIANS.

82. AND TEMPERS SHORT.

83. NO MEAT SOON,

84. WOULD BE ANYTHING BUT PARADISE.

85. FROM THE BEACH.

86. - PLEASE, WE'RE—WE'RE— WE'RE HUNGRY!

87. FROM HAWAII TO AUSTRALIA.

88. ON THE REEF TO NOWHERE.

89. - CHIEF, I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT, HUH?

90. - HEY, MAN! OKAY!

91. - THANK YOU! - THANK YOU!

92. - WE KNOW CANNIBALISM EXISTS,

93. AND THERE ARE TWO TYPES, BASICALLY.

94. NECRO-CANNIBALISM, WHERE THE DEAD ARE EATEN,

95. AND HOMICIDAL CANNIBALISM,

96. SO HE CAN BE EATEN.

97. HAD BEEN IN HOT WATER BEFORE,

98. COULDN'T BRIBE THEIR WAY OUT.

99. HAS A LOT OF MUSCLE,

100. LOW, SLOW

101. TO BREAK ALL THAT DOWN.

102. ARE ALWAYS GOOD FOR SOUP.

103. SO CARROTS, TURNIP

104. WOULD KIND OF, LIKE, GIVE A SWEETNESS TO IT.

105. DIDN'T NEED A COOKBOOK.

106. THEIR VICTIMS' SKIN

107. EASILY FROM THE BONES.

108. THEY HAD HOPED...

109. TENDER AND JUICY. - MMM!

110. STEVE AND CARLOS?

111. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE.

112. - MMM!

113. PRAISE THE GODS...

114. FOR ONE FINGER-LICKIN'-GOOD LUAU.

115. COMING UP, A VIOLINIST HITS A VERY BAD NOTE...

116. AND... - AAH!

117. IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.

118. WERE OUT ON A DATE.

119. A LITTLE MUSIC,

120. IT MADE A NICE PICTURE.

121. BUT IT WAS A LIE.

122. STEVEN'S REAL NAME WAS ABDULLAH MUHAMMAD YASIN,

123. AND HE WAS ON THE FBI'S MOST-WANTED-TERRORIST LIST.

124. AND EUROPE.

125. INTO THE U.S.

126. SOMETHING BIG.

127. WAS JUST A RUG SALESMAN.

128. BUT THE PLOT THICKENS.

129. WAS NOT WHO SHE SEEMED EITHER.

130. A C.I.A.-TRAINED ASSASSIN.

131. SHE WAS HERE, IN SPY TALK,

132. IN PLAIN ENGLISH, TO MAKE ABDULLAH DEAD.

133. TO ACCOMPLISH HER MISSION,

134. ANNA WAS GIVEN A TOP-SECRET,

135. PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY...

136. A PLASMA LASER RIFLE.

137. THAT THE GOVERNMENT'S

138. AND NOT JUST OUR GOVERNMENT,

139. AROUND THE WORLD,

140. OF A CARTRIDGE-DRIVEN FIREARM.

141. IT MAY BE OUT THERE.

142. OF WEAPON.

143. THE VIOLIN CASE.

144. FOR THE RIGHT MOMENT.

145. AND ABDULLAH PLOTTED,

146. SHE PULLED THE TRIGGER...

147. INTO THE TERRORIST'S BRAIN.

148. - SOMEBODY HELP!

149. SOMEBODY HELP ME, PLEASE!

150. ARE VERY PENETRATING.

151. IN A SINGLE SHOT,

152. A HUGE AMOUNT,

153. ACUTE PROBLEMS.

154. AND INTO THE BRAIN,

155. ON A MOLECULAR LEVEL.

156. IN LAYMAN TERMS, HIS BRAIN WAS MELTED.

157. OF SPY VERSUS SPY,

158. SOMEONE YOU'RE NOT,

159. BUT IN THE END,

160. THE ONE WITH THE BEST TOYS WINS.

161. - SOMEBODY HELP!

162. OVER HERE, SO JUST...

163. PRESTON WAS ON AN ADVENTURE.

164. A RICH, SPOILED KID,

165. THROUGH THE BRAZILIAN JUNGLE,

166. WITH HIS RICH, PREPPY FRIENDS.

167. - WHOA!

168. - HEY!

169. - AH! - HEY! OH!

170. - YOU OKAY?

171. - FINE. JUST GIVE ME MY HAT.

172. THANK YOU.

173. - OH, MY GOD.

174. BUT HE WAS NO INDIANA JONES.

175. FROM HIS FOUR-STAR HOTEL,

176. REGRETTING IT.

177. WANT TO BE CAREFUL.

178. THERE'S A LOT OF POISONOUS SNAKES AND SPIDERS.

179. - SON OF A BITCH.

180. HIS GUIDE'S SHORTS.

181. - DO NOT GO OUT ON YOUR OWN.

182. THAT YOU'RE GOING ANYWHERE.

183. THERE'S A LOT OF DANGERS.

184. PLEASE TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

185. WITH ME AT NIGHT?

186. - NO. NO, THANK YOU.

187. FOR A MUCH-NEEDED SIESTA.

188. HE AWOKE FROM A DREAM...

189. INTO A NIGHTMARE. - AAH!

190. HE DIDN'T HAVE

191. UP AT PRINCETON.

192. JUST THE WARM-UP ACT.

193. PRESTON A HARD LESSON.

194. NATURE WAS A BITCH.

195. GETS YOU AROUND THE FACE,

196. YOU'RE NEVER GONNA GET HIM OFF BY GOING,

197. AAH, AAH, AAH,

198. FROM THE MIDDLE.

199. IT'S LIKE TRYING TO UNDO A KNOT.

200. IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

201. A 15-FOOT BOA CONSTRICTOR

202. TO PRESTON'S NECK.

203. UNABLE TO CRY FOR HELP,

204. OUT OF BREATH AND TIME.

205. - IF YOU DON'T FIND THE TAIL, YOU'VE GOT A REAL PROBLEM.

206. AND TRY AN UNRAVEL IT.

207. YOU GOT 10 TO 15 SECONDS TO DO THAT.

208. AND IF YOU PANIC, YOU'RE A DEAD MONKEY.

209. AROUND PRESTON'S THROAT.

210. IN LESS THAN TWO MINUTES,

211. WAS CHOKED TO DEATH.

212. IN THE WOODS.

213. HE NEVER THOUGHT...

214. HE'D GET SO WRAPPED UP IN IT.

215. - WHOO-HOO-HOO!

216. NEXT, WARM BEER IS A PARTY KILLER.

217. A POOL WITH NO WATER?

218. HARD.

219. IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S MOST BRUTAL.

220. NO HELMETS, NO PADDING,

221. JUST 30 GUYS

222. THAT ARE WAY TOO TIGHT.

223. FROM SIMI VALLEY U.

224. HAD LOST THEIR 15TH GAME IN A ROW THAT AFTERNOON,

225. BUT THAT DIDN'T STOP THEM FROM CELEBRATING.

226. RUGBY PLAYERS.

227. - HIGH FIVE! THAT'S MY MAN!

228. IN THE LAST FIVE MINUTES,

229. AND LOST THE GAME. - OH!

230. ON THE FIELD, JOHN COULDN'T HOLD ON TO THE BALL.

231. AND AT PARTIES,

232. HE COULDN'T HOLD HIS LIQUOR.

233. - YOU'RE LIKE A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.

234. HEY, MAN, COME ON.

235. IN HIS VEINS THAN BLOOD,

236. AND READY TO BLOW.

237. - WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM? WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, DUDE?

238. AN OPEN CAN OF BUZZKILL.

239. WITH LOW-SELF-ESTEEM ISSUES.

240. ABOUT THEMSELVES,

241. AND TO LIFT THEMSELVES UP, IN A SENSE.

242. - THIS BEER'S COLD!

243. I WANT SOME ENGLISH BEER, MATE.

244. LET'S WARM IT UP A BIT.

245. RIGHT!

246. TO BREAK UP A BEACH PARTY,

247. IN THE FIRE.

248. - WHOO! GOOD GAME, BABY!

249. THAT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?

250. COME ON, MAN!

251. HEY, THE PARTY'S JUST GETTING STARTED.

252. COME ON!

253. JOHN STUCK AROUND,

254. HAD TO DIE IN THIS STORY.

255. TO 700 DEGREES CELSIUS.

256. WENT FROM 25 P.S.I.

257. TO 600 POUNDS OF BEER PRESSURE PER SQUARE INCH.

258. THE SUPERHEATED KEG EXPLODED,

259. DEEP INTO JOHN'S CHEST.

260. TO AN EXPLODING DEVICE,

261. A GIANT HAND GRENADE ALMOST.

262. I THINK THAT'S REALLY WHAT THAT BECAME,

263. INSIDE THE BODY.

264. - WHOO-HOO-HOO!

265. ANYONE WHO KNEW HIM,

266. WAS A TOTAL DICK.

267. - YOU'RE LIKE A GALAXY OF FRECKLES.

268. WHOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!

269. IN THIS BEER CLOUD...

270. AT LEAST HE DIDN'T TAKE ANYONE ELSE WITH HIM.

271. ANOTHER RAINY AFTERNOON.

272. JOE, TRICIA, LENA, AND ALICE WERE BORED BEYOND BELIEF.

273. DRINKING BEER? THAT WAS FOR THE FRAT-HOUSE CROWD.

274. A BETTER WAY TO KILL TIME.

275. - HEY, GUYS!

276. - YEAH!

277. - LOOK WHAT I GOT!

278. CAME TO THE RESCUE.

279. HE HAD SOME ACID,

280. L.S.D.

281. THEY MIGHT LOSE THEIR MINDS... - YEAH!

282. THEY WON'T BE BORED.

283. - YEAH!

284. - L.S.D. IS LYSERGIC ACID

285. HALLUCINOGENS.

286. IT'S SPECULATED TO WORK

287. AND THE LOCUS COERULEUS.

288. BEGIN TO CROSS,

289. THAT THEY'RE

290. FEEL SOUNDS.

291. A HIT OF THE ACID-SOAKED PAPER.

292. - WAIT. CAN I HAVE ONE MORE?

293. ALICE WANTED A SECOND DOSE.

294. SHE'D JUST BEEN DUMPED

295. HER SLATE CLEAN.

296. WOULD TAKE CARE OF THAT.

297. SOON ENOUGH, THE ACID STARTED COMING ON,

298. AND THE GANG GOT GIGGLY.

299. OUTSIDE, IT WAS COLD AND RAINY,

300. BUT INSIDE THEIR HEADS, IT WAS WARM AND FUZZY.

301. THE POOL WAS EMPTY,

302. BUT THAT DIDN'T KEEP

303. FROM TAKING A DIP.

304. IN THEIR MINDS, THEY WERE SWIMMING.

305. - THE USE

306. IS REALLY COMMON.

307. IT'S A BIG PROBLEM,

308. THAT, UH, ARE

309. NOT IN THE REGULAR REALITY.

310. SO THEY WILL, YOU KNOW, SEE THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE,

311. TO, UH, DO ACTIONS

312. CORRESPOND TO THESE FANTASIES.

313. - AAH!

314. - HEY, GUYS! - ALICE!

315. ALICE, COME IN!

316. JUMP IN! JUMP IN!

317. THE WATER'S GREAT! JUMP IN!

318. HAD GONE OFF THE DEEP END.

319. - ALICE. COME ON, ALICE.

320. AND THEN SHE JUMPED OFF IT.

321. WILL POP ANYONE'S LIFE BULB.

322. HER SPINAL COLUMN,

323. HER PHRENIC NERVE,

324. WHICH POWERS THE DIAPHRAGM.

325. STOPPED FUNCTIONING,

326. IN LESS THAN A MINUTE.

327. OF ACID IS A GOOD IDEA...

328. GO ASK ALICE.

329. UP NEXT...

330. - I'LL PROTECT YOU.

331. AN ECO-WARRIOR MEETS HIS MATCH.

332. - NO! NO! NO! NO!

333. NO! AAH!

334. IN THE MONTANA WILDERNESS,

335. IS HARD AT WORK.

336. ECHO THROUGHOUT THE FOREST.

337. IT'S THE BATTLE BETWEEN MAN AND NATURE,

338. AND MAN IS WINNING...

339. TO TAKE A STAND.

340. HE CALLS HIMSELF "ROOT DOG."

341. HE'S LASHED HIMSELF TO A BIG-OLD OAK

342. WITH HIS LIFE.

343. - DON'T BE SCARED.

344. NO—NO TEARS. NO...

345. THE ONLY PROBLEM,

346. HE EATS EVERY MORNING.

347. - I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

348. I'LL PROTECT YOU.

349. YES, I WILL. I'LL PROTECT YOU.

350. FINALLY SHOW UP,

351. ROOT DOG RANTS...

352. - MURDERERS!

353. AND RAVES...

354. - YOU GREEDY, MEAT-SUCKING BLOOD VESSELS.

355. AND THE LOGGERS WANDER OFF,

356. SHAKING THEIR HEADS.

357. THERE'S PLENTY OF OTHER TREES TO CUT DOWN.

358. - I FEEL...

359. OF THE FOREST SHOWS UP.

360. - GO ON, SHOO.

361. GO! NO, NO! NO! NO!

362. MR. GRIZZLY BEAR LOVES NATURE LOVERS.

363. - AAH! NO! NO! NO!

364. OUT OF THE CRUNCHY, MUNCHY TREE HUGGER.

365. THAT A BEAR IS AN OMNIVORE.

366. HE'LL TAKE AND EAT ANYTHING HE CAN.

367. THE BEAR DOESN'T CARE WHAT PART IT EATS EITHER.

368. ON ROOT DOG'S ROOT.

369. - GET OUT! I NEED THAT! I NEED THAT!

370. GET OFF! GO! GET OFF!

371. IS NOT INTIMIDATED.

372. THE BEAR'S IN NO RUSH.

373. YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

374. YOU'RE TIED TO A TREE,

375. SO, EVENTUALLY, HE'S GONNA GO CRUNCH,

376. AND THEN HE'S GOING, "THAT TASTED PRETTY GOOD

377. AND WAS VERY EASY."

378. AND SO HE'LL START PULLING ON PIECES.

379. YOU'RE GONNA BECOME LUNCH.

380. - AAH! NO! AAH!

381. TO BECOME ONE WITH THE ANIMALS,

382. THEY DO.

383. ROOT DOG BELIEVED IN NATURE.

384. - I'LL PROTECT YOU.

385. IN THE END, YOU CAN SAY THAT NATURE WAS...

386. - GO AWAY! GO AWAY!

387. WELL-SERVED.