1000 Ways to Die 2x1

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A drunk man literally slides into death, a game of Russian Roulette has an unusual twist and a boy band's swan song ends with a swan dive.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer: HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.

2. - GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

3. WHO'S TOO TENSE...

4. WITH A HEAD FOR BUSINESS...

5. WHO ARE HAVING A BLAST...

6. WHO GET REALLY RIPPED...

7. A LOVER WHO TOOK A LICKIN'...

8. A DUDE WHO GOT SPACED OUT...

9. AND A GIRL WHO HAD ENORMOUS...

10. - OH, MY GOD! LUNG CAPACITY?

11. - THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

12. YOU GET

13. OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

14. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

15. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

16. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

17. AGAINST GERMS...

18. TOXINS...

19. INJURY...

20. ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

21. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

22. IS A MIRACLE...

23. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

24. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

25. CONNIE WAS IN A FUNK.

26. HADN'T PANNED OUT.

27. AT HER TEMP JOBS.

28. DESPERATE FOR A CHANGE, SHE WAS READY TO SELL OUT.

29. BECOME A STRIPPER.

30. TWO THINGS TO GET GOING.

31. TO FEEL ACCEPTED,

32. THEIR PHYSIQUE.

33. SHE COULD AFFORD.

34. SHE FOUND IT.

35. - OKAY, JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT.

36. - I WANT STRIPPER BOOBS, OKAY?

37. I WANT MELONS. I WANT GAZONKAS, BONKERS.

38. I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FEET,

39. YOU CAN MAKE THEM.

40. - YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.

41. - OKAY. - OKAY.

42. AS LONG AS YOU PAID CASH.

43. IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

44. - OKAY.

45. - NOW LET'S GO AHEAD AND CUT THIS BIMBO OPEN.

46. TWO WEEKS LATER,

47. A NEW WOMAN.

48. - DAMN.

49. AS SHE TOOK HER SEAT,

50. SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE

51. ON HER DOUBLE "D's.

52. - DAD!

53. - SORRY.

54. - HI. - HI.

55. - MA'AM, YOU MIND IF I PUT YOUR ARMREST DOWN?

56. - THANKS. - ANYTIME.

57. THE PLANE TOOK OFF, AND CONNIE COULD FEEL IT.

58. HER LUCK WAS CHANGING.

59. IN HER NEW KNOCKERS.

60. WHAT SHE PAID FOR.

61. HAD USED SUBSTANDARD IMPLANTS,

62. ABOVE WATER BALLOONS.

63. INSIDE A WOMAN'S CHEST.

64. THAN OTHER GASES,

65. AS THE ALTITUDE CHANGES.

66. AS THE PLANE CLIMBED OUT,

67. GREW LOUDER.

68. - OH, MY GOD! AAH!

69. OH, MY GOD!

70. AT AN ALARMING RATE.

71. TO RIDICULOUS PROPORTIONS.

72. - THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

73. - CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!

74. - WE'RE GONNA DIE!

75. HIT 20,000 FEET...

76. WHO HAS

77. SHE'S GOING TO BE EXPOSED

78. ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,

79. AND CATASTROPHIC OUTCOME.

80. A NEW LEASE ON LIFE.

81. AND POPPED HER BALLOONS.

82. WITH A HEALTHY BOWL OF...

83. HIGH-GRADE MARIJUANA.

84. FOR BERNIE AND CAESAR,

85. OF CHAMPIONS.

86. - OH, WOW.

87. GET HIGH ON THE JOB,

88. THEY DON'T WORK.

89. THEY PLAY.

90. - YEAH!

91. WHOO-HOO!

92. TO GET GIGGLY.

93. - YEAH!

94. DIGGING HIS LATEST MIXTAPE,

95. THE ROPE STOPPED.

96. THE FORKLIFT DIDN'T,

97. IN THE MIDDLE.

98. YOU ACTUALLY SEVER YOUR TORSO,

99. TO FLY EVERYWHERE.

100. SO ALL THE FECAL MATTER, ALL THE INTESTINAL JUICES,

101. ALL THE HALF-DIGESTED FOOD.

102. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE

103. JUST SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE.

104. WHOO!

105. WAS FUN.

106. WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW, BERNIE?

107. COMING UP...

108. A HAPPY CAMPER...

109. TAKES FLIGHT.

110. CAN BE BACKBREAKING,

111. IN YOUR BODY.

112. - NO!

113. BRAD LOVED NATURE.

114. THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, FIONA, CAMPING

115. ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

116. - I LOVE THIS PLACE.

117. WHEN I WAS A KID.

118. - REALLY?

119. A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF NATURE.

120. - DO YOU BELIEVE IN, UH, SEX ON A FIRST DATE?

121. YEAH.

122. YEAH.

123. OKAY, NOW HARDER.

124. HARDER!

125. GOING TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE...

126. - HARDER!

127. WITH ONE OF NATURE'S MOST VORACIOUS PREDATORS...

128. - OTHER HOLE. OTHER HOLE.

129. A NYMPHOMANIAC.

130. - HARDER! HARDER!

131. OH, IS THIS, LIKE, YOUR FIRST TIME?

132. - NO, IT'S, LIKE, MY FIFTH. - OH, MY GOD!

133. BRAD'S INEPT PERFORMANCE

134. LED TO PREMATURE EJECTION.

135. - JUST LEAVE.

136. GET OUT.

137. - FINE. - TAKE YOUR STUFF.

138. GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

139. FRUSTRATED...

140. TO FINISH HERSELF OFF.

141. ABOUT TO LAUNCH,

142. EXACTLY WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH.

143. AS SHE REACHED LIFTOFF,

144. AND LIFTED HER OFF.

145. OH, GOD!

146. AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TENT,

147. AND IT'S PROBABLY TRYING TO PUSH THE SIDE OF THE TENT OVER.

148. AND THEN IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME IDEA OF AIRPLANE FLIGHT.

149. A MILE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,

150. FIONA'S MAGIC-CARPET RIDE ENDED WITH A BANG.

151. - WHEN YOUR HEAD IS CRUSHED,

152. IT'S NOT LIKE GALLAGHER CRUSHING A WATERMELON.

153. IT DOESN'T EXPLODE PIECES

154. MOST OF THE TIME,

155. AROUND IT.

156. SO IT'S BASICALLY

157. INSIDE OF A BOWLING-BALL CASE.

158. FIONA GOT OFF, TOOK OFF,

159. AND NEVER CAME BACK.

160. EVERYBODY'S GOT TO WORK,

161. INCLUDING ABDUL AND HABIB.

162. THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

163. TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT— BLOW UP A POLICE STATION.

164. OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE, C-4,

165. SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

166. ARE NOT SUICIDE BOMBERS.

167. TO LET OTHERS FILL THAT ROLE.

168. THEY'D RATHER BUILD BOMBS

169. WESTERN POPULAR CULTURE.

170. - SEINFELD. SEINFELD.

171. - JERRY SEINFELD!

172. MILEY CYRUS, HUH?

173. WHOA.

174. - MILEY CYRUS, GOOD.

175. - CAMERON DIAZ.

176. - CAMERON DIAZ, GOOD.

177. GOOD.

178. MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE...

179. ANGELINA JONES.

180. - OH!

181. - HIGH FIVE! - AH!

182. - OH, I KNOW.

183. OH, YEAH.

184. TO A GPS TIMING DEVICE.

185. AN HOUR LATER.

186. BY THAT TIME,

187. THEY'LL BE WATCHING

188. ON AL JAZEERA.

189. - GOOD TO GO.

190. - GOOD TO GO.

191. - NO!

192. SAVINGS TIME IN EFFECT,

193. IT WAS ALREADY 1:45—

194. HAD SET IT TO GO OFF.

195. TO THE CORRECT TIME, WHICH WAS NOW.

196. THAT HE WAS EXPOSED TO,

197. FIRST, WOULD OBVIOUSLY AFFECT HIS HANDS.

198. DISINTEGRATING THEM.

199. OBLITERATED AND PULVERIZED.

200. GOT LARGER,

201. AND HIS HEAD AS WELL.

202. IN DEATH,

203. IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

204. UP NEXT...

205. YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD.

206. AND THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD EATIN'

207. IN THIS COUPLE'S KITCHEN.

208. WAS NO ORDINARY VIKING.

209. AND FOUR-STAR PLUNDERER,

210. AND DEATH WHEREVER HE WENT.

211. AS ONE WHO WENT BERSERK.

212. THAT COULD GO BERSERK.

213. THAT JUST COULDN'T BE BOUND.

214. IN A BATTLE FOR THE AGES,

215. MALBREICHT OF ROMSDAL.

216. AND CUT OFF MALBREICHT'S HEAD.

217. HEARD HIS SHOUT OF VICTORY.

218. - IN VIKING TIMES, CUTTING OFF THE HEAD CLEARLY STATES,

219. "IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT ME AS LEADER,

220. THIS IS WHAT'S LIKELY TO HAPPEN TO YOU."

221. WASN'T DONE FIGHTING.

222. THE DEAD MAN'S

223. INTO SIGURD'S MASSIVE THIGH.

224. HE SET OUT FOR HOME, BUT ALONG THE WAY,

225. TO A DEEP AND FESTERING WOUND.

226. ANYWHERE WITHIN THE WORLD.

227. TO MILLIONS OVERNIGHT.

228. TEN DAYS LATER,

229. TO HIS VILLAGE,

230. BUT HIS FATE WAS SEALED.

231. IT WOULD BE ANOTHER 800 YEARS

232. WERE INVENTED.

233. THROUGH SIGURD'S BLOODSTREAM.

234. VIKINGS BELIEVED, IF SLAIN IN BATTLE,

235. THEY WENT TO ODIN'S GREAT HALL CALLED VALHALLA.

236. - SLAIN BY A DEAD MAN.

237. AH!

238. WELCOME TO VALHALLA, BIG GUY.

239. WERE A SAME-SEX COUPLE.

240. - HEY, BABY.

241. SASHA BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,

242. THE SMOKING-HOT HOUSEWIFE.

243. - I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

244. FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE.

245. - WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

246. - OH! OH!

247. THAN A MICROWAVE.

248. - I AM SO SORRY.

249. SHE JUST COULDN'T COOK.

250. DINNER WAS BURNT,

251. HER BREADWINNER.

252. - I DID MAKE DESSERT.

253. FOR SASHA'S SWEET TOOTH.

254. FITS INTO A SEXUAL ACT,

255. BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A TEASER.

256. IT'S, LIKE, THE BUILDING UP.

257. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU'RE NIBBLING ON THE BODY,

258. WARMING THE PERSON UP,

259. BEFORE THE HARDER STUFF COMES.

260. AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT,

261. THE CANDY G-STRING SNAPPED,

262. SASHA SLURPED...

263. AND DINNER WAS OVER.

264. - BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?

265. A VERY VOLUNTARY ACTION,

266. THEY DECIDE TO SWALLOW,

267. EVERYTHING IS INVOLUNTARY.

268. THAT SHE WANTED TO BREATH,

269. AND GASPING AND WHATNOT,

270. DOWN THE WRONG PIPE,

271. ENTERING THE TRACHEA.

272. SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO BREATHE.

273. DEPRIVED IN THE BRAIN,

274. AND SHE'LL JUST DIE OF BRAIN DEATH.

275. - OH!

276. THE CHICKEN TOOK A LICKIN'...

277. TONYA'S CANDY WAS DANDY...

278. BUT IN THE END,

279. SASHA WOUND UP DEAD MEAT.

280. JUST PASSING THROUGH.

281. THEIR DEATH COMING A MILE AWAY.

282. OTHERS NEVER SEE IT AT ALL.

283. IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO,

284. THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

285. - THREE, TWO, ONE!

286. IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY...

287. A TIME TO GET WASTED...

288. A CHANCE TO HOOK UP...

289. OR, FOR STAN, AN OPPORTUNITY

290. WITH HIS PERSONAL BELIEFS.

291. - I'M STARTING THIS, UM— THIS—THIS PRAYER GROUP.

292. UM, TOMORROW'S ACTUALLY OUR FIRST DAY.

293. - HEY, EXCUSE ME, DORK, BUT I'M TRYING TO GET LAID HERE, SO...

294. - NO, THANKS.

295. - LAID?

296. FOR PREACHING,

297. AND EVERYONE LET HIM KNOW.

298. - JUST GET OVER THERE.

299. PREFERS ORDER OVER CHAOS,

300. IN THE COSMIC FLOW,

301. DISPATCHED A HIT MAN.

302. IN TERMS OF ENERGY.

303. AT AN EXTREMELY HIGH VELOCITY,

304. CARRIES TREMENDOUS ENERGY.

305. WOULD BE ENORMOUS.

306. BACK ON EARTH,

307. OF BUZZKILL.

308. - HEY...

309. NICE NIGHT.

310. - YEAH, IT WAS.

311. LITTLE DID HE KNOW,

312. A 400-MILE-AN-HOUR COSMIC SUCKER PUNCH.

313. IN THE POOL BEHIND HIM.

314. BEFORE HE HIT THE GROUND.

315. LIKE THIS,

316. THERE'S BASICALLY

317. IN THE PROJECTILE'S PATH.

318. IF THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN A BIG NON-COMPRESSIBLE BLOOD VESSEL,

319. WITHIN A MINUTE.

320. STAN SHOWED UP ALONE,

321. FOR A LIKE-MINDED SOUL.

322. LITTLE DID HE KNOW,

323. HE HAD A DATE WITH FATE.

324. - IT'S ORIGINAL.