1000 Ways to Die 2x1

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A drunk man literally slides into death, a game of Russian Roulette has an unusual twist and a boy band's swan song ends with a swan dive.

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Subtitle languages: English • Spanish • Brazilian Portuguese

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1. male announcer: HERE'S ONE FOR YOU.

2. - GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

3. WHAT DO YOU GET

4. WHEN YOU MIX A GIRL WHO'S TOO TENSE...

5. A VIKING WITH A HEAD FOR BUSINESS...

6. TWO TERRORISTS WHO ARE HAVING A BLAST...

7. A COUPLE OF STONERS WHO GET REALLY RIPPED...

8. A LOVER WHO TOOK A LICKIN'...

9. A DUDE WHO GOT SPACED OUT...

10. AND A GIRL WHO HAD ENORMOUS...

11. - OH, MY GOD! LUNG CAPACITY?

12. - THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

13. YOU GET A BRAND-NEW EPISODE

14. OF 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

15. DEATH IS EVERYWHERE.

16. MOST OF US TRY TO AVOID IT.

17. OTHERS CAN'T GET OUT OF ITS WAY.

18. EVERY DAY WE FIGHT A NEW WAR AGAINST GERMS...

19. TOXINS...

20. INJURY...

21. ILLNESS, AND CATASTROPHE.

22. THERE'S A LOT OF WAYS TO WIND UP DEAD.

23. THE FACT THAT WE SURVIVE AT ALL IS A MIRACLE...

24. BECAUSE EVERY DAY WE LIVE...

25. WE FACE 1,000 WAYS TO DIE.

26. CONNIE WAS IN A FUNK.

27. THE ACTING CAREER SHE IMAGINED HADN'T PANNED OUT.

28. HER BEST PERFORMANCE SO FAR WAS PRETENDING TO BE AWAKE

29. AT HER TEMP JOBS.

30. DESPERATE FOR A CHANGE, SHE WAS READY TO SELL OUT.

31. HER PLAN— BECOME A STRIPPER.

32. SHE LACKED ONLY ONE—

33. MAKE THAT TWO THINGS TO GET GOING.

34. - MOTIVATIONS THAT DRIVE YOUNG LADIES

35. TO HAVE EXTRAORDINARY LARGE BREAST IMPLANTS

36. STEMS FROM OFTEN THE DESIRE TO FEEL ACCEPTED,

37. WHICH DOES INSPIRE A LOT OF YOUNG LADIES

38. TO OVERLY ENHANCE THEIR PHYSIQUE.

39. CONNIE SURFED THE INTERNET

40. FOR THE CHEAPEST BOOB JOB SHE COULD AFFORD.

41. SHE FOUND IT.

42. - OKAY, JUST TELL ME WHAT IT IS THAT YOU WANT.

43. - I WANT STRIPPER BOOBS, OKAY?

44. I WANT MELONS. I WANT GAZONKAS, BONKERS.

45. I DON'T WANT TO SEE MY FEET,

46. JUST THE BIGGEST YOU CAN MAKE THEM.

47. - YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.

48. - OKAY. - OKAY.

49. THIS QUACK WOULD DO ANYTHING

50. AS LONG AS YOU PAID CASH.

51. - I PROMISE TO GIVE YOU THE BIGGEST TATAS

52. IN ALL OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

53. - OKAY.

54. - NOW LET'S GO AHEAD AND CUT THIS BIMBO OPEN.

55. TWO WEEKS LATER,

56. CONNIE BOARDED A FLIGHT TO VEGAS A NEW WOMAN.

57. - DAMN.

58. AS SHE TOOK HER SEAT,

59. SHE COULDN'T HELP BUT NOTICE ALL THE DOUBLE TAKES

60. ON HER DOUBLE "D's.

61. - DAD!

62. - SORRY.

63. - HI. - HI.

64. - MA'AM, YOU MIND IF I PUT YOUR ARMREST DOWN?

65. - THANKS. - ANYTIME.

66. THE PLANE TOOK OFF, AND CONNIE COULD FEEL IT.

67. HER LUCK WAS CHANGING.

68. WHAT SHE REALLY FELT

69. WAS THE STIRRING OF AIR BUBBLES

70. AND OTHER GASES TRAPPED IN HER NEW KNOCKERS.

71. TURNS OUT SHE GOT WHAT SHE PAID FOR.

72. HER PLASTIC SURGEON HAD USED SUBSTANDARD IMPLANTS,

73. BARELY ONE STEP ABOVE WATER BALLOONS.

74. THEY HAD NO BUSINESS WINDING UP INSIDE A WOMAN'S CHEST.

75. - CERTAIN GASES ACTUALLY HAVE

76. A LOWER DENSITY THAN OTHER GASES,

77. AND SO SOME GASES ACTUALLY CAN EXPAND TO A GREATER AMOUNT

78. AND TO APPLY GREATER PRESSURE

79. AS THE ALTITUDE CHANGES.

80. AS THE PLANE CLIMBED OUT,

81. THE GURGLING NOISE GREW LOUDER.

82. - OH, MY GOD! AAH!

83. OH, MY GOD!

84. HER LOVELY LADY LUMPS STARTED EXPANDING

85. AT AN ALARMING RATE.

86. THEY GREW TO RIDICULOUS PROPORTIONS.

87. - THAT STRIPPER'S GOT A BOMB IN HER CHEST!

88. - CALM DOWN! CALM DOWN!

89. - WE'RE GONNA DIE!

90. WHEN THE PLANE HIT 20,000 FEET...

91. - A YOUNG LADY GETTING ON AN AIRPLANE

92. WHO HAS EXTREMELY LARGE IMPLANTS—

93. SHE'S GOING TO BE EXPOSED

94. TO A SLIGHTLY LOWER ATMOSPHERIC PRESSURE,

95. WHICH COULD LEAD TO FAILURE AND CATASTROPHIC OUTCOME.

96. CONNIE THOUGHT BIGGER BOOBS

97. WOULD GIVE HER A NEW LEASE ON LIFE.

98. TOO BAD DEATH STEPPED IN

99. AND POPPED HER BALLOONS.

100. MANY IN THE MODERN-DAY WORKFORCE START OFF EACH DAY

101. WITH A HEALTHY BOWL OF...

102. HIGH-GRADE MARIJUANA.

103. FOR BERNIE AND CAESAR,

104. THIS WAS THEIR BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS.

105. - OH, WOW.

106. BUT WHEN SOME WORKERS

107. GET HIGH ON THE JOB,

108. THEY DON'T WORK.

109. THEY PLAY.

110. - YEAH!

111. WHOO-HOO!

112. A ROPE AND A FORKLIFT

113. IS ALL THESE TWO NEED TO GET GIGGLY.

114. - YEAH!

115. WHILE CAESAR WAS DIGGING HIS LATEST MIXTAPE,

116. THE ROPE STOPPED.

117. THE FORKLIFT DIDN'T,

118. AND BERNIE WAS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE.

119. - IF SOMEBODY HAS A ROPE AROUND THEIR TORSO

120. AND THE FORCE IS SO GREAT THAT YOU ACTUALLY SEVER YOUR TORSO,

121. ALL THE GASTROINTESTINAL CONTENTS

122. ARE JUST GOING TO FLY EVERYWHERE.

123. SO ALL THE FECAL MATTER, ALL THE INTESTINAL JUICES,

124. ALL THE HALF-DIGESTED FOOD.

125. YOU'RE GONNA HAVE ABOUT SEVEN GALLONS OF GUNK

126. JUST SPLATTERING EVERYWHERE.

127. WHOO!

128. BERNIE AND CAESAR THOUGHT GETTING HIGH AT WORK

129. WAS FUN.

130. WHAT DO YOU THINK NOW, BERNIE?

131. COMING UP...

132. A HAPPY CAMPER...

133. TAKES FLIGHT.

134. AND BOMB MAKING CAN BE BACKBREAKING,

135. ALONG WITH EVERY OTHER BONE IN YOUR BODY.

136. - NO!

137. BRAD LOVED NATURE.

138. THAT'S WHY HE TOOK HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND, FIONA, CAMPING

139. ON THEIR FIRST DATE.

140. - I LOVE THIS PLACE.

141. I CAME OUT HERE WHEN I WAS A KID.

142. - REALLY?

143. BUT FIONA WANTED TO EXPLORE

144. A DIFFERENT ASPECT OF NATURE.

145. - DO YOU BELIEVE IN, UH, SEX ON A FIRST DATE?

146. YEAH.

147. YEAH.

148. OKAY, NOW HARDER.

149. HARDER!

150. BRAD THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO COMMUNE WITH NATURE...

151. - HARDER! BUT WOUND UP

152. WITH ONE OF NATURE'S MOST VORACIOUS PREDATORS...

153. - OTHER HOLE. OTHER HOLE.

154. A NYMPHOMANIAC.

155. - HARDER! HARDER!

156. OH, IS THIS, LIKE, YOUR FIRST TIME?

157. - NO, IT'S, LIKE, MY FIFTH. - OH, MY GOD!

158. BRAD'S INEPT PERFORMANCE

159. LED TO PREMATURE EJECTION.

160. - JUST LEAVE.

161. GET OUT.

162. - FINE. - TAKE YOUR STUFF.

163. GO. I'LL DO IT MYSELF.

164. FRUSTRATED...

165. FIONA WENT BACK IN THE TENT TO FINISH HERSELF OFF.

166. SHE WAS A ROCKET ABOUT TO LAUNCH,

167. AND SHE KNEW EXACTLY WHICH BUTTON TO PUSH.

168. BUT JUST AS SHE REACHED LIFTOFF,

169. A FREAK WIND BLEW IN AND LIFTED HER OFF.

170. OH, GOD!

171. - THE WIND IS BLOWING AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE TENT,

172. AND IT'S PROBABLY TRYING TO PUSH THE SIDE OF THE TENT OVER.

173. THEN AS SOON AS THE WIND GETS UNDERNEATH

174. AND PUSHES THE FRAME OF THE TENT FROM BELOW—

175. AND THEN IT'S BASICALLY THE SAME IDEA OF AIRPLANE FLIGHT.

176. A MILE DOWN THE MOUNTAIN,

177. FIONA'S MAGIC-CARPET RIDE ENDED WITH A BANG.

178. - WHEN YOUR HEAD IS CRUSHED,

179. IT'S NOT LIKE GALLAGHER CRUSHING A WATERMELON.

180. IT DOESN'T EXPLODE PIECES OF BRAIN EVERYWHERE

181. MOST OF THE TIME,

182. BECAUSE IT HAS A COVERING AROUND IT.

183. SO IT'S BASICALLY LIKE A WATERMELON

184. INSIDE OF A BOWLING-BALL CASE.

185. FIONA GOT OFF, TOOK OFF,

186. AND NEVER CAME BACK.

187. EVERYBODY'S GOT TO WORK,

188. INCLUDING ABDUL AND HABIB.

189. THE ONLY THING THAT SETS THEM APART—

190. THEY'RE TERRORISTS.

191. TODAY'S ASSIGNMENT— BLOW UP A POLICE STATION.

192. A SUITCASE FULL OF PLASTIC EXPLOSIVE, C-4,

193. SHOULD DO THE TRICK.

194. ABDUL AND HABIB ARE NOT SUICIDE BOMBERS.

195. THEY ARE MORE THAN HAPPY TO LET OTHERS FILL THAT ROLE.

196. THEY'D RATHER BUILD BOMBS

197. AND TALK ABOUT THEIR FAVORITE TOPIC—

198. WESTERN POPULAR CULTURE.

199. - SEINFELD. SEINFELD.

200. - JERRY SEINFELD!

201. MILEY CYRUS, HUH?

202. WHOA.

203. - MILEY CYRUS, GOOD.

204. - CAMERON DIAZ.

205. - CAMERON DIAZ, GOOD.

206. GOOD.

207. MOST BEAUTIFUL ONE...

208. ANGELINA JONES.

209. - OH!

210. - HIGH FIVE! - AH!

211. - OH, I KNOW.

212. OH, YEAH.

213. THEY MOVE ON TO THE NEXT STEP—

214. CONNECTING THE EXPLOSIVES TO A GPS TIMING DEVICE.

215. ABDUL CHECKS HIS WATCH

216. AND SETS IT TO BLOW UP AN HOUR LATER.

217. BY THAT TIME,

218. THEY'LL BE WATCHING THE RESULTS OF THEIR DIRTY WORK

219. ON AL JAZEERA.

220. - GOOD TO GO.

221. - GOOD TO GO.

222. - NO!

223. WITH DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME IN EFFECT,

224. IT WAS ALREADY 1:45—

225. THE TIME ABDUL HAD SET IT TO GO OFF.

226. IT ONLY TOOK A FEW SECONDS FOR THE GPS TIMER

227. TO CONNECT TO THE SATELLITE AND RESET THE CLOCK

228. TO THE CORRECT TIME, WHICH WAS NOW.

229. - THE PRIMARY BLAST OF THE ACTUAL EXPLOSIVE FORCE

230. THAT HE WAS EXPOSED TO,

231. FIRST, WOULD OBVIOUSLY AFFECT HIS HANDS.

232. THEY WOULD FRACTURE HIS FINGERS

233. RIGHT BEFORE DISINTEGRATING THEM.

234. HIS FOREARM WOULD THEN BE OBLITERATED AND PULVERIZED.

235. AND THEN AS THE BLAST WAVE GOT LARGER,

236. HIS CHEST WOULD BE EXPOSED TO IT AND HIS HEAD AS WELL.

237. IN DEATH, ABDUL AND HABIB

238. LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON ABOUT LIFE—

239. IT'S ALL ABOUT TIMING.

240. UP NEXT...

241. A VIKING STORY THAT WILL LEAVE YOU SHAKING YOUR HEAD.

242. AND THERE'S ALWAYS GOOD EATIN'

243. IN THIS COUPLE'S KITCHEN.

244. SIGURD WAS NO ORDINARY VIKING.

245. AN ABOVE-AVERAGE RAPER AND FOUR-STAR PLUNDERER,

246. HE LEFT A TRAIL OF MAYHEM AND DEATH WHEREVER HE WENT.

247. HE WAS KNOWN THROUGHOUT THE NORSE LAND

248. AS ONE WHO WENT BERSERK.

249. - THERE WAS A VERY SPECIALIZED TYPE OF VIKING

250. THAT COULD GO BERSERK.

251. THIS WAS A SUPER HIGHLY ELEVATED FORM OF COURAGE

252. THAT JUST COULDN'T BE BOUND.

253. IN A BATTLE FOR THE AGES,

254. SIGURD MET UP WITH HIS GREATEST FOE—

255. MALBREICHT OF ROMSDAL.

256. SIGURD PROVED THE FIERCER FIGHTER

257. AND CUT OFF MALBREICHT'S HEAD.

258. IT WAS SAID ALL OF NORWAY HEARD HIS SHOUT OF VICTORY.

259. - IN VIKING TIMES, CUTTING OFF THE HEAD CLEARLY STATES,

260. "IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT ME AS LEADER,

261. THIS IS WHAT'S LIKELY TO HAPPEN TO YOU."

262. BUT MALBREICHT WASN'T DONE FIGHTING.

263. THE DEAD MAN'S HEAD SUNK ITS TEETH

264. INTO SIGURD'S MASSIVE THIGH.

265. HE SET OUT FOR HOME, BUT ALONG THE WAY,

266. THE BITE MARKS EXPANDED TO A DEEP AND FESTERING WOUND.

267. - A HUMAN MOUTH

268. IS THE MOST CONTAMINATED COLLECTION OF BACTERIA

269. THAT REALLY EXISTS ANYWHERE WITHIN THE WORLD.

270. SO BACTERIA WOULD JUST ENTER YOUR BLOODSTREAM

271. AND JUST START REPLICATING

272. FROM JUST ONE BACTERIA TO MILLIONS OVERNIGHT.

273. TEN DAYS LATER,

274. SIGURD REACHED THE STAIRS TO HIS VILLAGE,

275. BUT HIS FATE WAS SEALED.

276. IT WOULD BE ANOTHER 800 YEARS

277. BEFORE ANTIBIOTICS WERE INVENTED.

278. THE INFECTION SPREAD THROUGH SIGURD'S BLOODSTREAM.

279. VIKINGS BELIEVED, IF SLAIN IN BATTLE,

280. THEY WENT TO ODIN'S GREAT HALL CALLED VALHALLA.

281. - SLAIN BY A DEAD MAN.

282. AH!

283. WELCOME TO VALHALLA, BIG GUY.

284. TONYA AND SASHA WERE A SAME-SEX COUPLE.

285. - HEY, BABY.

286. SASHA BROUGHT HOME THE BACON,

287. WHILE TONYA PLAYED THE SMOKING-HOT HOUSEWIFE.

288. - I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

289. BUT TODAY THE SMOKE WAS COMING

290. FROM SOMEWHERE ELSE.

291. - WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

292. - OH! OH!

293. TONYA WAS HOTTER THAN A MICROWAVE.

294. - I AM SO SORRY.

295. SHE JUST COULDN'T COOK.

296. DINNER WAS BURNT,

297. BUT TONYA KNEW HOW TO BUTTER HER BREADWINNER.

298. - I DID MAKE DESSERT.

299. A GOURMET BODY WITH A STRING-CANDY TOPPING—

300. THE PERFECT SNACK FOR SASHA'S SWEET TOOTH.

301. - I THINK THE EDIBLE UNDERWEAR FITS INTO A SEXUAL ACT,

302. BUT IT'S MORE LIKE A TEASER.

303. IT'S, LIKE, THE BUILDING UP.

304. YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU'RE NIBBLING ON THE BODY,

305. WARMING THE PERSON UP,

306. GETTING THEM REALLY AROUSED BEFORE THE HARDER STUFF COMES.

307. AT THE CRUCIAL MOMENT,

308. THE CANDY G-STRING SNAPPED,

309. SASHA SLURPED...

310. AND DINNER WAS OVER.

311. - BABY, ARE YOU OKAY?

312. - CHEWING IS A VERY VOLUNTARY ACTION,

313. BUT THE MOMENT THEY DECIDE TO SWALLOW,

314. EVERYTHING IS INVOLUNTARY.

315. THE FOOD PARTICLE WAS TAKEN BACK INTO THE PHARYNX

316. AT THE SAME TIME THAT SHE WANTED TO BREATH,

317. PROBABLY FROM BEING EXCITED AND GASPING AND WHATNOT,

318. AND ENDED UP ESSENTIALLY GOING DOWN THE WRONG PIPE,

319. ENTERING THE TRACHEA.

320. SHE'LL BE UNABLE TO BREATHE.

321. OXYGEN WILL CONTINUE TO BE DEPRIVED IN THE BRAIN,

322. AND SHE'LL JUST DIE OF BRAIN DEATH.

323. - OH!

324. THE CHICKEN TOOK A LICKIN'...

325. TONYA'S CANDY WAS DANDY...

326. BUT IN THE END,

327. SASHA WOUND UP DEAD MEAT.

328. WE SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST—

329. RARE FOOTAGE OF A METEOR JUST PASSING THROUGH.

330. SOME PEOPLE SEE THEIR DEATH COMING A MILE AWAY.

331. OTHERS NEVER SEE IT AT ALL.

332. BUT WHEN THE UNIVERSE DECIDES IT'S YOUR TIME TO GO,

333. THERE'S NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT.

334. - THREE, TWO, ONE!

335. IT WAS JUST ANOTHER PARTY

336. IN THE SAN FERNANDO VALLEY...

337. A TIME TO GET WASTED...

338. A CHANCE TO HOOK UP...

339. OR, FOR STAN, AN OPPORTUNITY TO BADGER PEOPLE

340. WITH HIS PERSONAL BELIEFS.

341. - I'M STARTING THIS, UM— THIS—THIS PRAYER GROUP.

342. UM, TOMORROW'S ACTUALLY OUR FIRST DAY.

343. - HEY, EXCUSE ME, DORK, BUT I'M TRYING TO GET LAID HERE, SO...

344. - NO, THANKS.

345. - LAID?

346. IT WAS THE WRONG TIME AND THE WRONG PLACE

347. FOR PREACHING,

348. AND EVERYONE LET HIM KNOW.

349. - JUST GET OVER THERE.

350. THE UNIVERSE PREFERS ORDER OVER CHAOS,

351. AND STAN WAS A SPEED BUMP IN THE COSMIC FLOW,

352. SO THE COSMOS DISPATCHED A HIT MAN.

353. - A SMALL METEORITE WEIGHING A COUPLE OF OUNCES

354. WOULD BE THE EQUIVALENT OF AN ARTILLERY SHELL

355. IN TERMS OF ENERGY.

356. TRAVELING AT AN EXTREMELY HIGH VELOCITY,

357. EVEN A SMALL OBJECT WITH A LIGHT MASS

358. CARRIES TREMENDOUS ENERGY.

359. THE PENETRATION WOULD BE ENORMOUS.

360. BACK ON EARTH,

361. STAN WAS AN OPEN CAN OF BUZZKILL.

362. - HEY...

363. NICE NIGHT.

364. - YEAH, IT WAS.

365. LITTLE DID HE KNOW, HE WAS ABOUT TO RECEIVE

366. A 400-MILE-AN-HOUR COSMIC SUCKER PUNCH.

367. THE SMALL METEOR PASSED THROUGH HIS BODY

368. AND EXPLODED IN THE POOL BEHIND HIM.

369. STAN WAS DEAD BEFORE HE HIT THE GROUND.

370. - IN A PENETRATING INJURY LIKE THIS,

371. THERE'S BASICALLY A DIRECT CRUSHING AND CUTTING

372. OF EVERYTHING IN THE PROJECTILE'S PATH.

373. IF THERE'S A BIG HOLE IN A BIG NON-COMPRESSIBLE BLOOD VESSEL,

374. SOMEONE CAN EXSANGUINATE WITHIN A MINUTE.

375. STAN SHOWED UP ALONE,

376. LOOKING FOR A LIKE-MINDED SOUL.

377. LITTLE DID HE KNOW,

378. HE HAD A DATE WITH FATE.

379. - IT'S ORIGINAL.