1000 Ways to Die 1x7

1. Life's a bitch, then you

2. marry one, then you die,

3. Like the drunk biker who passed

4. some gas out the wrong end,

5. Or the shyest couple in the

6. history of coupling,

7. How 'bout the guy who fell

8. asleep on the job...

9. and never woke up?

10. or the paintballer who went

11. Bye-Bye during a drive-By,

12. Or what about the lady who tried

13. a new tapeworm diet?

14. And then there's the guy in the

15. boat who was shocked to

16. discover...

17. I'm not a fisherman, I'm an

18. electrician!

19. After all this, one thing is

20. perfectly CLEAR:

21. Life will kill ya,

22. Death is everywhere,

23. Most of us try to avoid it,

24. others can't get out of its way,

25. Every day we fight a new war

26. against germs, toxins, injury,

27. illness, and catastrophe,

28. There's a lot of ways to wind up

29. dead,

30. The fact that we survive at all

31. is a Miracle,

32. Because every day we live, we

33. face 1,000 ways to die,

34. Cisco is on the Lam,

35. He robbed a bank in missoula,

36. and escaped to the Montana

37. wilderness on his Harley,

38. Now he's got enough money for

39. his dream project, a new meth

40. lab,

41. It was time to celebrate,

42. Cheap bourbon never tasted so

43. good,

44. aah!

45. Oops,

46. With his mug shot all over the

47. state by Now, it's not like

48. Cisco can Waltz back into town

49. for more booze,

50. Desperate enough to try anything

51. for a high, he turns to the only

52. thing he truly LOVES:

53. His Harley,

54. More specifically, the gas tank,

55. Gasoline is a pretty complex

56. mixture,

57. It has 100 different

58. hydrocarbons in it, including

59. things like benzene and toluene,

60. which are very toxic,

61. But, um, this also includes

62. ethanol,

63. Cisco had heard that ethanol

64. is another name for alcohol,

65. He reasoned that since cars can

66. be fueled by booze, he could get

67. drunk off the gasoline in his

68. Harley,

69. He was wrong,

70. The only high you'll get from

71. drinking gas is the one called

72. death,

73. If one were to drink gasoline

74. to try and get the effects of

75. ethanol, what they would get

76. instead is, um, probably an

77. immediate response from their

78. stomach, as in vomiting,

79. Instead of a buzz, Cisco

80. feels like a buzz saw is Ripping

81. through his stomach,

82. He's finally getting it,

83. Gasoline is good for cars, not

84. people,

85. robbing a bank... Bad idea,

86. Drinking gasoline... Even worse,

87. Puking his deadly firewater into

88. an open fire... The worst idea he

89. ever had,

90. One wonders if any of this ran

91. through Cisco's dim brain while

92. he was doing his best imitation

93. of a marshmallow,

94. Who cares?

95. One less meth-Dealing biker to

96. worry about,

97. meet hiroto and sakura,

98. Their love for each other was

99. without equal,

100. But they had a big problem,

101. After seven years of marriage,

102. they were still unable to

103. consummate their union,

104. And it's not like they didn't

105. try,

106. They did,

107. Hundreds of times,

108. But it always ended the same

109. way... Both of them on the edge of

110. their bed, on the verge of

111. passing out from

112. hyperventilating,

113. The intensity of their feelings

114. frightened the young couple, and

115. they would always pull back and

116. hold off Sex for another day,

117. When I have couples come to

118. see me for counseling from

119. repressed cultures, I always

120. start them off with very gentle

121. foreplay,

122. And so within six weeks, they

123. are able to have sexual

124. intercourse,

125. But it leads up to it, it

126. doesn't all happen at once,

127. Kanpai,

128. Kanpai,

129. Then one day, hiroto came

130. home from work determined to

131. Seal the deal with his sweet

132. sakura,

133. After a bottle of plum wine,

134. they were ready to give it

135. another shot,

136. Aah...

137. this time, there was no

138. holding back,

139. Locked together as one, they

140. were heading to the promised

141. land,

142. sadly, it was a case of too

143. much too soon,

144. The young couple locked eyes,

145. then passed out... Dead in their

146. lover's bed from heart attacks,

147. Not having sex for years can

148. have a negative effect on the

149. heart because the heart is not

150. used to it,

151. You know, you have to build up

152. your stamina,

153. It might've been their

154. special love had only a one-Way

155. door to ecstasy, because hiroto

156. and sakura hit the g-Spot

157. Bull's-eye, the big o, and died,

158. never to return from their

159. simultaneous, orgasmic Bliss,

160. Tragic?

161. Maybe,

162. But of all the 1,000 ways to

163. die, this one gets our highest

164. rating,

165. Ichiban,

166. Number one,

167. When we come back...

168. nodding off leads to checking

169. out for one sleepy factory

170. worker,

171. and a woman with a weight

172. problem Should've waited before

173. trying the diet to die for,

174. Jake Basso was the ideal

175. metal worker... Punctual,

176. friendly, and thorough,

177. Jake!

178. Jake!

179. Jake,

180. Hey, what's up, boy?

181. What's up, dude?

182. What's up, man?

183. Did I nod off again?

184. Dude, you were lights out,

185. man, But the lights were still

186. blinking up here,

187. Oh, man,

188. The only problem with Jake

189. was his narcolepsy, a paralyzing

190. sleep disorder that made Jake

191. fall asleep in the strangest

192. places,

193. Well, narcolepsy is a sleep

194. disorder, and it's not a rare

195. one, it's about one or two cases

196. per 10,000, so in a large

197. country like America, there are

198. a fair number of people with it,

199. One day, Jake just picked the

200. wrong place to have an attack of

201. narcolepsy,

202. The big curing oven is used to

203. slowly bake powder-Coated

204. furniture, But for Jake it was a

205. warm and comfy cave to grab 40

206. winks,

207. his friend manny swung the big

208. door shut, having no clue that

209. Jake was inside,

210. He set the oven at 600 degrees

211. for 12 hours,

212. The sleeping Jake Went

213. unconscious from the gas fumes

214. in the oven before the real

215. damage could set in,

216. At 108 degrees, his brain begins

217. to die,

218. At 120, his skin burns through

219. and begins to crust,

220. By 213 degrees, his blood is

221. boiling,

222. And at 572 degrees, the body

223. spontaneously combusts,

224. Whoo!

225. Whew,

226. what would probably happen in

227. This case is if the oven was set

228. to turn on automatically, and

229. the person was sleeping in

230. there, in all likelihood, the

231. carbon monoxide knocked him out

232. and prevented him from waking

233. up, which is why he ended up

234. probably getting burned in this

235. oven,

236. 12 hours at extreme

237. temperatures left Jake extra

238. crispy,

239. Darlene had a problem...

240. She was fat,

241. She tried everything to lose

242. weight,

243. The cabbage diet,

244. The grapefruit diet,

245. Even the chocolate diet,

246. Nothing worked until...

247. I'm telling you, Louise, I

248. think I'm onto something, here,

249. I swallowed tapeworms,

250. tapeworms are one of the

251. classes of flatworms that are

252. entirely parasitic,

253. And they usually live as adults

254. in different types of

255. vertebrates... Reptiles and

256. mammals,

257. Darlene had gone online and

258. ordered Tapeworm larva from

259. venezuela,

260. She swallowed it, and soon

261. enough her little diet friend

262. had set up shop in her small

263. intestine, and began feeding on

264. Anything Darlene ate,

265. It was a good deal,

266. The fatter the tapeworm grew,

267. the skinnier Darlene became,

268. I'm already down four dress

269. sizes,

270. And counting!

271. You should totally try it,

272. You shouldn't consume any

273. worms... Any parasitic worms... for

274. the purposes of losing weight

275. because it's just not a good

276. strategy,

277. Not a good strategy, unless

278. you wanna jeopardize your

279. health,

280. Darlene's tapeworm grew to an

281. enormous length... Over 20 feet

282. long... and it was sucking the

283. very life out of its host,

284. but eventually the worm turned,

285. or reproduced, until Darlene's

286. body was completely infested

287. with tapeworms,

288. Not so good, actually,

289. I'm just not feeling so hot,

290. When the larvae do bore

291. through the intestinal wall, and

292. get distributed through the

293. circulatory system to the liver,

294. or the LUNGS, or even the brain,

295. it's going to affect the

296. function of one of those organs,

297. And it certainly has lead to

298. death of individuals,

299. How much did I lose?

300. 60 pounds,

301. Darlene finally fit into a

302. size four dress,

303. Too bad she wore it at her

304. funeral,

305. Darlene, are you okay?

306. Darlene,

307. Up next, drive-By

308. paintballing,

309. That's not cool,

310. And a fisherman throws his line

311. into the water, and goes

312. belly-up,

313. For high school rejects Luke

314. and Mickey, fame... Or infamy...

315. Was just a youtube video away,

316. Say hello to the world,

317. Waa...

318. youtube style,

319. How you doin', world?

320. Mm-Hmm,

321. Today's webisode: "suburban

322. Slaughter,"

323. Let's do it,

324. whoo!

325. They hit the street in search

326. of internet gold,

327. The boys didn't consider that

328. shooting people with a paintball

329. gun is just as illegal as

330. shooting them with a real gun,

331. And they kept shooting at

332. anything that moved,

333. Hey!

334. Whoo!

335. Yeah!

336. Whoo!

337. Whoa, hold on, man,

338. What?

339. Do you see that?

340. Stop, stop, stop,

341. But even the most basic

342. weapons of war require a bit of

343. mechanical know-How,

344. Look at the co2 tank,

345. Does it look right?

346. What?

347. Does it look like it's on

348. there properly?

349. It's wobbly, man,

350. No, dude, those things are,

351. like, idiot-Proof,

352. The guns may be

353. idiot-Proof...

354. you get that?

355. Mm-Hmm?

356. But these two idiots weren't,

357. I just don't want any of this

358. stuff to hit me in the face,

359. Dude, it'll be totally fine,

360. Totally fine,

361. Locked and loaded, the boys

362. were ready for the next scene of

363. "Suburban Slaughter,"

364. The art of the drive-By,

365. Easy target, right?

366. Luke lined up the shot,

367. unaware that Mickey was lined up

368. right behind his gun,

369. there is about 1,200 to 1,500

370. psi inside of a tank,

371. Each tank has a thread right on

372. top that actually screws into

373. the gun,

374. A lotta people don't really

375. check their threads on the

376. tanks, and it gets all rounded,

377. The thread snapped, turning

378. the tank into a self-Propelled

379. missile,

380. It crushed into Mickey's larynx

381. at 200 miles per hour, breaking

382. his scrawny neck,

383. Mickey,

384. Oh, my god,

385. Mickey, Mickey, Mickey, I'm

386. sorry,

387. Mickey, wake up,

388. Mi... Mickey!

389. Mickey!

390. Maybe it was a mechanical

391. failure,

392. Maybe it was Karma's way of

393. removing another Juvenile jerk

394. from the planet,

395. One thing is sure...

396. "Suburban Slaughter" Had a great

397. ending,

398. Mickey, Mickey!

399. What're you doing?

400. Stop!

401. What are you...

402. He's dead!

403. I need help!

404. Randal is an electrician

405. with a short fuse,

406. To keep from overloading, he

407. spends his days off fishing,

408. It's the perfect therapy,

409. As long as he catches fish,

410. Aah,

411. Guide my lure and bring me every

412. fish in this lake,

413. But today the only thing

414. Randal's catching is a massive

415. migraine,

416. Yaaah!

417. Yaa!

418. His main Circuit flips from

419. sane to psycho,

420. Come down here!

421. Yaah!

422. I'm not a fisherman!

423. I'm an electrician!

424. Randal's going to use all the

425. tools of his trade to bring in

426. his catch,

427. He'll need a power source,

428. So he taps into the county's

429. 12,000 volt power lines,

430. There are actually fishing

431. techniques that use electricity,

432. I've actually seen this, where

433. fish were literally leaping

434. outta the water, right onto the

435. deck of the boat, trying to

436. escape the current that they

437. were feeling,

438. Next, he lays the Cable out

439. carefully and floats 100 feet of

440. live wire out to his killing

441. ground,

442. Hey, god!

443. You see this?

444. Huh?

445. Finally, he completes the

446. circuit, and drops his megavolt

447. Trout trasher into the deep,

448. one by one, the fish go

449. belly-up,

450. But Randal isn't going to be

451. satisfied until he zaps every

452. last one of god's little

453. fishies,

454. You lookin', god?

455. You see what you gave me?

456. Like most THINGS too good to

457. be True, it was,

458. Randal's high-Voltage fish FRYER

459. suddenly turns against the

460. fisherman,

461. I don't use no lure!

462. I don't have...

463. Yaah!

464. He shocked the bejesus out

465. of himself,

466. And he was literally paralyzed

467. and frozen 'cause none of his

468. nerves would work,

469. Because nerves Work via

470. electrical transfer,

471. The first time Randal

472. completed the electrical

473. circuit, the wooden bench

474. insulated him from terminal

475. shock,

476. But once his body touched the

477. electrified metal boat, his fate

478. was sealed,

479. Randal will be spending eternity

480. sleeping with the fishes,

481. An airline crash is many

482. peoples' worst nightmare,

483. For one couple, it turned into a

484. True Miracle,

485. with 175 people on board, an

486. ethiopian airlines plane was

487. hijacked after takeoff, but

488. couldn't find a place to land,

489. Out of fuel, the pilots

490. attempted an ocean landing just

491. off the island of comoros,

492. When the plane hit the water,

493. it was like a 15-Mile-An-Hour

494. auto accident, then a 30-Mile-

495. An-Hour auto accident, then it

496. was like the worst thing I've

497. ever had, and then I went,

498. uh-Oh; I'm dead,

499. The plane hits the water at

500. over 200 miles per hour,

501. Passengers are killed as they

502. are thrown across the ocean,

503. On shore, dozens of sunbathers

504. witness the crash, and begin a

505. rescue effort, sifting through

506. the wreckage for signs of life,

507. It was surreal,

508. You've survived a major air

509. crash, and you wake up, and

510. you're floating in the water,

511. and the plane has disappeared,

512. and there's trash across the

513. water from the plane... a little

514. debris, and a handful of people

515. who survives, floating about,

516. As more people are found, the

517. death count reveals that one in

518. four passengers were dead,

519. It quickly becomes apparent that

520. survivors are few,

521. Franklin huddle and his wife

522. chanya were two of them,

523. I know what happens when big

524. planes go into the water...

525. Usually Everybody is killed,

526. In only one or two cases where,

527. you know, a major plane... This is

528. a 767 with 175 people aboard,

529. When they land in the water,

530. they usually kill everybody,

531. Over 120 people were killed

532. that day,

533. Why some survived and others did

534. not is still a mystery,

535. Probably we survived because

536. we got a good break from, uh,

537. whoever gives out the breaks in

538. our life,

539. Yeah, I cheated death,